WMF (weapons of mass friendship)

by wertyui

Rating: teen
Tags: Spitfire, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 1122

where's xi jinping when you need him?

the new defence minister spitfire and the new ruler of equestrian twilight sparkle discuss some "unlikely" methods of equestrian defence (based on yet another spitting image sketch)

Published 2021-07-26 05:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-26 05:20:00 UTC

in wich equestria begins to resemble the USSR i guess

Twilight looked in awe as the parade was going on. Not even a week after she took charge of equestria from Celestia and luna, and things were already starting to heat up for her reign. One of her first decisions as ruler of Equestria was to create appointed ministries in order to help her manage the many internal problems within the nation that haven't been and had yet to be addressed. One of these was appointed captain of the wonderbolts spitfire to the position of ministry of defence, which she happily alongside her main job.

(how she would manage both jobs at once was beyond her, still, she managed to be princess and head mare)

Spitfires first action was to commission new "friendship" weapons in order to "maintain the peace and harmony" of Equestria and beyond. Of course, neglecting to mention this to poor twilight.

As they continued to watch the parade for the new princess, the lavender queen asked her new defense minister about said "friendship" weapon
"Excuse, me"

"Yes, my liege" spitfire responded

"What are these new friendship weapons you've been telling me about"

"Ah, you see, I was talking with my fellow co-workers and we agreed that since our last scuffle with the forces of evil nearly sent us into a block of ice, it only seemed appropriate to arm ourselves as a-ah backup plan, you know, in case our magic fails" spitfire explained

"I see" twilight deadpanned, as more and more tanks filled with strange projectiles came rolling by, each surprisingly named after elements of harmony

"So how exactly would they defend Equestria"

"You see..." spitfire explained "inside these suckers is a controlled explosion, represented by our own three tribes. Created with one half unicorn self destruct spells, one half rainboom gas, the metal coat was of course done by earth ponies, this combined harmony creates what we called a friendship blast over said enemy creating a strong desire to socialize or make amends"

"So, does this technology hurt them at all?" twilight asked in a nervous way

"Well," spitfire said with a similar amount of nervousness "it may cause a bit of skin melting, permanent limb disfigurements, and unsightly birth defects, and the occasional fatality, either instant or prolonged, but regardless you get the same result of the enemy's defeat"

Twilight gulped as she silently contemplated the possibilities of such weapons. Her concerns only heightened by just how many tanks there were, she sat in silence for a while before turning to spit to ask

"H-how many of these did you make"

"We weren't exactly sure how many we would need, I just called and said produce as many as you could within the week, when I walked into the factory, they had overfilled about a couple of warehouses full of them, crazy sons of bitches, but if you want a specific answer, id say about 30 million."

"30, million?" twilight couldn't believe it "30 million of these death sticks that could possibly kill hundreds if not thousands are you crazy!?"

"well , how else are you gonna defend a country, magic isn't always gonna work" spitfire basically waving off her concerns

Twilight stared at spitfire for a long time after hearing this, realizing she may have to replace her minister of defense quite soon
(shes gonna go down like McArthur)

Her royal assistant, spike, had just returned from a restroom break to observe the parade below
"Hey, Twilight, what did I miss"

"About 30 million "friendship" weapons of mass destruction apparently" she answered sarcastically

Spike took in the millions of missiles on display, taken back by the sheer number, he turned to twilight and simply said "cool"

It had been about 5 minutes of this, twilight and spike quickly growing bored of the endless array of sky bombs driving past and ticker tape and confetti coming down. Spitfire began mimicking the sound of the tank noises with her mouth.

The three kept moving their left and right to the next oncoming tank

Spike decided to break the silence with a little game, he leaned over to her friend's ear "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "t"

A very obvious answer, but twilight obliged to answer if not to pass the time

"Tank" she answered

"Yes, your go"

Twilight tried to come up with at least a half-decent thing for the dragon to guess, especially considering the many rows of tanks in front of her, which should have scared her considering what they are capable of, but instead only bored her

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with a"

"Another tank" spike was quick to answer

"Yes, your go"

Spike looked around quickly at the tank barrage and said

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with y"

"Yet another tank" twilight queried

Spike pointed a claw up saying "yep, hey you're really good at this"

"Thanks" twilight said as looked on at the military equivalent of watching paint dry (hard to come up with metaphors for tanks, huh?)

"Oh look there's a tank" spike suddenly announced

"Where?" twilight asked

"Behind that other tank" replied spike

Twilight slumped back into her chair, wondering when this would end, not that she wasn't grateful but still...

"Hey, look over there behind that tank" spike announced to

"What is it spike" twilight asked

"It's a big dipper!"

"Big dipper? Where?" spitfire sprang up nearly falling from the balcony trying to get a better look, twilight using her magic to pull her in just in time

"No, no sorry, it's just another tank, my mistake"

Spitfire then returned to her seat and resumed her tank noises, twilight sighed again, the big dipper comment breaking up the mundane tank watching fest going on, at this moment she could only think about what her friends were doing now.

Spike began the game again "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with G"

"G" twilight puzzled by this new clue "uhh, gunk"

"Nope, giant, pony eating bufrogen" before pointing out the overgrown frog-like creature hopping around the parade terrifying ponies, sending some tanks off course.

Before anyone could do anything, twilight announced "I got this" before vaporizing the hapless frog into a pile of rancid goo, the grateful ponies gave a cheer for their princess before resuming the parade

"and would you mind not making that noise?" twilight said to spitfire, who quickly shut her mouth to her majesty "sorry, your highness" twilight just rolled her eyes

"So I'm gonna have to sit through a thousand years of this" twilight wondered to herself.

Putin lurked in the corner behind the princess, pulling out a gun.