Friendship is Apocalyptic

by PuddingNPie

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 10225

A disgruntled and comically insane Pony Prince of Darkness goes to Canterlot to negotiate his takeover, the Four Horse of the Apocalypse tagging along for a little vacation.

The Four Horses and the demane king Mephistroteles go to Equestria to have some Marty Stu type interactions with the mane six and Celestia. Bring your laughing hat.

*This Fic is a comedy and as such, it contains various elements of satire, more than a trace amount of silliness and a few puns which are not to be taken seriously.

Published 2012-09-29 13:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-29 13:34:01 UTC

Only

“Please kill me.”

The stallion had certainly seen better days. He was on a stone pedestal, chained in a sitting position. His ribs stuck out like Celestia at a goat assembly. He was missing a few teeth, and what remained of his coat certainly wasn’t green anymore.

Mephistroteles levitated a bloodied tooth and added it to his scale replica of Canterlot made entirely of…well, pony. His coat was black, his wings membranous, and his mane was on fire.

Literally.

“Look, I’ve told you before. To put it simply: in Equestria, life so utterly wonderful that you have to make up for it here.”

“Please…can’t you just end it?”

The Prince of Darkness sighed and turned to the captive. “I tried to reason with him. I said: ‘Yahneigh, you can’t just stick all the good stuff in one life and counter it in the next.” His mane flared up as he spoke. “It’s just not nice. You see, according to the Laws of Harmony, in some numbered subsection, everything has to be balanced. Peace by war, feast by famine, life by death. Being the kind of no-grey-areas pony he is, Yahneigh just went and stuck all the good stuff in one, and all the bad in the other.” The fire died down. “Oh, I’ll need some more blood to stick on this roof tile.”

“Why…why is good…first?”

Mephistroteles looked up from the stone slab where he stored all his implements. “Mm? Oh, yeah. Pretty silly really. I mean, why didn’t he at least set it up so all the negative stuff happened first?” He smiled. “I’ve enjoyed this. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good conversation. Shrieks of pain get old fast.” He levitated a rusty scalpel and trotted to the stallion, who…

…made a chiming sound.

The scalpel clattered to the floor. “What the home was that?” His horns glowed with a fiery aura and he placed the blade on the table. “Oh, the doorbell. Funny, I don’t often get visitors...” He smiled warmly at the stallion. “Don’t go away, now.”

The wretched pony moaned.

Humming a tune to himself, Mephis magicked open the spiked iron behemoth he called a door. Outside, amid a garden of glowing coals and equine corpses, stood four stallions, one of which resembled a corpse himself. “Oh, good. I thought he’d sent another one of those here-damned mangels. They are just another level of conceit. The next one he sends can help me with my diorama.”

The sickly-pale stallion stared, his black, featureless eyes like a void.

Mephistroteles stared back.

The heavily muscled one with a deep red coat and matching eyes flattened his ears. “We have a proposition for you!”

Another, the one with the pearly white coat and mane and eyes of gold spoke up. “Honestly, War, I told you can’t just go around yelling at everypony. Let me handle this. Mr Mistroteles, we have some misgivings to discuss with you.”

The black one with the deadpan expression glanced up from the ground, shooting the white horse a look. “It’s Mephistroteles you foal.”

Mephis looked away from the fourth brother. “Come in!” He held the door open and the Apocalypse Brothers trotted in. “Hey, Stanley! We have guests!”

A sob was heard from the other room.

War stomped a hoof. “Our discourse is to remain private!”

The Pallid Horse disappeared through the archway.

The sobbing stopped.

Mephis’ face fell. “We were getting along so well...” He paused for a moment, then brightened. “So how’s the pony upstairs?”

The brothers exchanged glances.

Conquest spoke up. “Yahneigh has decided to extend his vacation.”

Mephis sighed. “Typical head honcho. Lazy brick…actually, now that I think of it, what are you supposed to be?”

“Excuse me?

“In the whole Four Horses of the Apocalypse thing. I mean, you’ve got War, Famine, Death…” he pointed to the brothers in turn. “…and then you. Conquest? Really? I mean, that doesn’t sound very apocalyptic. You’re just too pretty to be a harbinger of the End Times. I mean, Conquest is a good thing from at least one perspective! I just don’t think you’ll affect as
wide a target audience as your brother Famine here. Everyone needs food, right?”

Conquest flattened his ears. “Hey, at least I’m mixing things up a bit! I mean, look at you!” He gestured to Mephis’ cutiemark, a red, inverted pentagram. “You’re a walking stereotype!”

Mephis glanced about the room, grinning self-consciously. “Eheh…let’s just focus on Yahneigh. I mean, he makes all this great stuff, dumps all the traumatic jobs on us and spends the rest of his days on vacation!”

War snorted agreement. “We cannot stand for this neglect any longer! Today, we march on Equestria!”

Conquest nodded. “I agree wholeheartedly! Why should we hang out in this horrible–”

“Hey! I put a lot of effort into my garden!”

“–I mean, this lesser world full of nasty things, while all the other creations get to hang out in Equestria! Yahneigh is gone, and when the cat’s away..."

“Neighbouring nations sack his land and kill his kittens!”

Famine scraped a hoof on the stone floor. “All the other ponies are living it up in the good place. Why shouldn’t we?”

Death flicked an ear. He was staring straight ahead.

Mephis sighed. “I don’t know, guys. I mean, I hate to be the mature one here, but unleashing our attempts at transforming Equestria according to my vision of perfection where the two worlds and two lives are one…” he inhaled conspicuously. “…is going a little bit far, don’t you think? I mean, maybe we should give him another chance…”

War looked Mephis straight in the eye. “There is another matter of which you should be informed!”

Conquest looked at his hooves. “Oh…yes. Um…you know how Yahneigh sent that mangel to tell you the birthday card he sent you got lost in the mail?”

Mephis was instantly subdued. “Yes…”

Famine blew his mane out of his eyes. “He never sent a card in the first place.”

The Prince of Darkness exploded into a screeching ball of fire and shadows.

╬

“I have to say, as far as giant immortal three-headed dogs go, Cerberus is quite the specimen!” Mephistroteles said as the company reached the Bloody Gates.

Said specimen was at the moment reduced to a quivering pile of fur in his kennel.

“He looks like he stared Death in the face…oh, wait!” Conquest looked at the others expectantly, his mouth a pleading smile. “Really? Nothing? Some ponies have no sense of humour...”

“You’d think I wouldn’t need a guard dog, but every now and then I do get somepony sniffing about. Well, stand back. I’ll have to do my gate opening thing.”

Mephistroteles stood very still for a second, before rearing up onto his hind legs and kicking a hoof toward the great twisted gate, rising into the air. His mane flared up into a raging inferno and his eyes glowed with the flames as he drew his hoof slowly back towards his chest. The gates groaned and wailed as they were pulled open, admitting a soft, pastel-hued light into the Next World.

The fire died down and Mephis dropped back to his hooves, folding his wings. “Gentlecolts, we have arrived. The land where nothing bad ever happens: Equestria!”

Conquest grinned, a greedy set to his eyes and his mane flowing.

War held his head high, determination writ in his features.

Famine’s eyes widened slightly, the faintest hint of hope appearing in their depths.

Death blinked.

“Hey, are you guys just going to stand there all year? Hurry up and cross the threshold, I have to shut the gates or my souls will escape.”

The brothers White, Red, Black and Pallid trotted through the Bloody Gates.

The Dark Lord trotted back to the Gates, grabbing a magical hold on a length of heavy chain that spanned the gap between them, and unceremoniously pulled them closed.

“Wait, what?” Conquest looked at Mephis incredulously. “Really? That’s it?”

Mephis turned from the flame he had suspended in the center of the gateway. “What?”

“You do that whole magical rise-into-the-air-fire-storm-ritual thing to open the gates, then just pull them shut with a bit of chain?”

“I guess so. Why? What did you expect?”

“I don’t know, something more impressive.” He snorted, tossing his head.

Mephistroteles grew half again his size and flared his mane into a monstrous corona, his eyes suddenly inches away from the White Horse’s nose. “What would you have me do, noble Conquesssst?”

Conquest’s ears drooped and he retreated behing his bulky brother.

“Any more quesssstionssss?” The Prince of Darkness returned to his regular self. “No? Oh, right, I didn’t tell you my plan yet.” Adopting a cheerful expression, he gestured to the conveniently located railroad not too far to their left. “Follow this aways and you should reach a settlement of some description. Probably someplace with lots of interesting characters and a patisserie. Try not to draw too much attention to yourselves until I come for you. I’ll be heading in the same direction, only by…wing? Air?” His eyes drifted toward his nose. “I’ll be flying. I’m off to Canterlot, I have some…negotiation to do. I might as well procure some sketches while I’m there, to help with my diorama. Well, bye!” He launched himself into the air and flew off.

Conquest’s confidence received a marked boost as Mephis' wingbeats reduced him to a small, undulating black speck. “Well, brothers? Let’s be off!”

“To victory!” War trotted toward the tracks.

“Sure. Why not?” Famine followed, Death expressionless behind him.

╬

Twilight Sparkle woke early, which was suprising considering her late night studying…again.

“Spike! Can you get up please? We have a tonne of stuff to get through today!”

The dragon groaned and rolled over under his blanket. “Do you need me now? ”

Twilight sighed, then smiled. “First up is Carousel Boutique…”

“I’m up!” Spike was out of his basket like a bat out of Tartarus.

The trot to the Boutique was uneventful.

Thankfully, Rarity’s doorway neatly framed a new source of literary entertainment in the form of a majestic white stallion, with a flowing mane and eyes like molten gold.

Twilight came nose to nose with said stallion after he opened the door she had been approaching. “Uhhh…”

The White Horse was yanked back by the tail and shoved behind Rarity as she trotted up to Twilight, looking flustered. “Twilight! Spike! Fancy seeing you here this early.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “It’s almost noon.” She craned her neck, peering past Rarity’s bedhead of a mane. “Who was–”

“Nopony! Nopony at all.” She sang shakily.

Spike stepped forward, eyes narrowed. “I dunno, he looked like a shifty one. Is he holding you hostage?”

Rarity turned cherry red. “Oh, my stars, no! He’s…my cousin.”

Twilight tilted her head, but said nothing.

Rarity's smile looked a little forced. “Come in, come in!”

The stallion stepped forward, flicking an ear at Rarity. “My name is Conquest. I hope yours is as beautiful as you.” He was wearing a sly smile.

“Um…I’m Twilight Sparkle. This is Spike. Have you been in Ponyville long?”

Spike was doing some sullen muttering.

“That’s what this town is called? Straight to the point, I guess. I arrived here last night with my brothers. I was sadly lacking a place to stay, and Rarity here graciously offered me a bed.”

“I bet she did. Are you by any chance related to Prince Blueblood? The chromatic resemblance is striking…”

“Who?” Conquest looked genuinely confused.

“Where exactly did you come from?”

Conquest raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”

Twilight decided that this pony was a few pages short of a book. “That is why I asked.”

“Well, a long time ago, there was a pony who decided to create something wondrous, so…”

“No! Not that! Where do you live?”

Rarity seemed to remember something and excused herself.

“Oh. Yeah. I live in Tartarus.”

Twilight barked a laugh. “Ok, I admit it, you are pretty funny.”

Spike glared at the floor. “Whorse…” He received a violent nudge with a lavender hoof.

“I wasn’t joking. I live in Tartarus. It’s a little run down, but it’s home. Has a wonderful garden, too…”

“Wait…Tartarus?
…brothers?
…Conquest?”

Twilight’s eyes widened in a way that just begged for a zoom to close-up as her brain made the connections (one of which she filed away to bring up with Rarity some other time).

“Oh. My. Harmony.”

╬

A flickering shadow fell over Donut Joe. His entire shop could have fit into his eyes.

A pony the size of Celestia herself walked in and sat at the bar. All the other patrons backed away, their eyes fixed on the newcomer.

Mephistroteles put his hooves on the bar and put his face inches from Joe’s, eyes consumed by fire as everything around him went dark. “I’ll have a bloody mare, ssssstirred, not sssshaken.”

The stallion sat back on his chair, the whites of his eyes returning as he chuckled. “Joking, joking. Wow, you should have seen the look on your face. But seriously, I’d like a donut. I haven’t eaten in centuries.”

╬

“Thank’e, ma’m. Ya support is much appreciated.”

Applejack watched the mare trot on down the street with a smile, having just sold her last three apples for the day. She
removed her heavily laden apron and tossed it into one of the apple barrels. She was about to pull down the sign when some movement caught her eye.

Her eyes nearly rolled out of her head when thay caught sight of the Red Horse.

Out of an alley moved a stallion that looked to be composed entirely of muscle. He had his belly the the ground, crawling commando-style across the street and into another alley. His eyes were like stones, just as hard, just as grey.

When she had rediscovered her lower jaw, Applejack straightened her stetson and trotted to the alley into which the stranger had disappeared.

He was nowhere to be seen.

Narrowing her eyes, she proceeded into the alleyway, craning her neck and conducting a visual sweep of her surroundings.
She was about to turn around when she was pulled into an alcove, restrained by strong hooves. “WHAT IN TARNATION?!”

The stone eyes were inches from her own. The stallion wasn’t amused.

In fact, his face looked so comfortable in a ‘frown’ configuration that she doubted it spent much time doing anything else.
“Quiet! You’ll blow my cover!”

Applejack glared, but kept her next statement to a harsh whisper. “Y’all ‘ll blow ya OWN cover goin’ ‘round snatchin’ ponies off a’ the street!” Her back was against a wall, so there was no hope of her bucking her way out of this.

She would have to negotiate.

The stallion looked pensive for a second. Well, he was still frowning, but he was frowning in a thoughtful way. “You make a good point…” He looked her up and down. “You are a civilian.” The stallion’s hold loosened slightly.

“Uh…yeah. What makes ya say that?” She just had to distract him long enough to free herself, then she’d kick him into tomorrow and gallop away.

“An observation, mare’m!”

“So…” A little more… “What in the name of Celestia were you doin’ sneakin’ ‘round town like a wanted pony?”

“I was searching for a place to spend the night!”

“Then why the sneakin’ and suspicious behaviour? Y’all looked to me ta be creepin’ on down the street like some sorta’ predator!”

The pensive frown became a doubtful frown. “My commander instructed me to remain inconspicuous. He requires me later in his mission.”

Applejack’s expression turned skeptical.“Ya commander?”

“Affirmative, mare’m.”

“So what did ya say ya name was again?”

“War.”

She gave him a sympathetic look. Her good nature overtaking her suspicion. This poor foal needed help, she was hardly going to knock him into even deeper mental disarray. “Ah think ah know where y’all can stay the night, but first ya have ta let me loose.”

He frowned. “I’m afraid I cannot do that, Mare’m. You know too much.”

This wasn’t good. “Then what do y’all plan ta do? Hold me against this here wall 'til the cows come home?”

War looked unsure. “…affirmative?”

“If ya wanna keep me prisoner, ah know a place that’s perfect!” She did know a place. She never said she’d take him there. “But that would still leave ya’ lookin’ for a hideout. So how ‘bout ah first take ya somewhere y’all can stay until ya…don’t need to anymore. Whad’ya think?”

He narrowed his eyes, looking up at the sun.

Applejack sighed. “Ah promise ah won’t run away.”

War blinked, then released his grip. “Lead the way, mare’m!”

“Sure. Ah’ll git right on that.”

Applejack trotted in the direction of the hospital, the Red Horse following close behind.

╬

Mephistroteles trotted merrily up to the doors of Canterlot Castle, humming a tune to himself. The guards standing either side of the door, to their credit, didn’t react except to step into his path.

The Prince of Darkness raised an eyebrow, still cheerful, glancing at each of the guards in turn. “Oh, are you closed for cleaning?”

The guards glanced at each other. The one on the left cleared his throat. “No. I’m afraid you can’t enter here.”

“Well, that’s a shame! Is the door out of order?” Mephis peered past them. “Looks alright to me.”

“Er…no, I’m afraid you misunderstand. YOU can’t enter here.”

“Why not? I’ve come to request an audience with Princess Celestia. It’s very important…to me.”

The guard on the right stepped forward. “Sir, we ask that you leave.”

Mephis’ ears drooped, his mane and tail flames dying down. “Well, this is just awful! I come all this way just to be turned away at the door?”

The guard on the left, a relatively new addition to the ranks, was losing patience. “Look, mister, we don’t know who you are or what point you’re trying to make, but you’re not seeing the Princess until you drop the illusion spell.”

The Prince of Darkness was silent. His eye twitched, and he lowered his head until his eyes were level with those of the impatient guard. “Illusion?”

A second passed. A bead of sweat trickled down the guard’s face, and his stoic expression crumbled into a quivering mask of uncertainty.

Mephis’ flame-coloured irises expanded to fill his eyes, and his horns glowed with a vermillion aura.

The guard became engulfed in a fiery corona, his own eyes consumed by their whites.

A ghostly wisp snaked out of the poor unicorn’s gaping mouth and spiralled around Mephistroteles, before snaking into the gem in his collar. The gem seemed to shine with satisfaction.

The Prince released his arcane hold on the guard, who crumpled to the ground and lay in an armoured heap, his eyes entirely white.

The remaining guard quailed as Mephis turned to him.

The Prince of Darkness smiled warmly. “I’d like an audience with the Princess.”

“R-right this way, sir! The waiting room is down the corridor to the right.”

“Thank-you!” He trotted across the threshold of Canterlot Castle, humming again. “I think I’ll call him Ivan…”

The remaining guard knelt by his fallen companion, transfixed by the small trickle of blood that ran from the corner of his mouth.

╬

Rainbow Dash had been waiting all day for a bite of Pinkie’s experimental chocolate and daisy cupcakes.

Naturally she was pretty shocked when the moist, chocolate-frosted delight crumbled to dust in her hooves. “Ok, very funny Pinkie…” Her mouth nearly fell off of her face when she beheld the rest of the culinary carnage.

There was nothing edible left in Sugarcube Corner. On the counter and on the shelves, in pink cake boxes and in patty pans, there were only little piles of dust.

“Ok, this is beyond weird…”

An unmistakeable scream was heard from the kitchen.

Pinkie Pie staggered out, her eyes glazed. “It’s TERRIBLE! All the sugar…all the chocolate chips…EVERYTHING!” She fainted, a hoof thrown up to her face with dramatic flair.

Rainbow rushed to catch the fallen earth pony before she hit the ground and knocked another few screws loose, but ended up on the ground herself, the pink pony’s weight pressing down on her. “Oof! Pinkie!” She glanced up through the curly pink mane to find herself looking into a pair of bright blue eyes.

Famine raised a brow, adressing the scene. “I...see.”

Rainbow got to her hooves, shoving Pinkie away and shaking her mane. "It’s not what it looks like.”

Pinkie Pie bounced to her feet, a smile illuminating her features. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie and you must be new! Wow, you’re dark! What’s your name? Mr. Black? Bruiser?”

Famine’s mane fell back to its usual state, draped over his left eye. “Famine.”

Rainbow was suddenly all in his face, her own contorted with fury. “Is that some sort of joke? Who the hoof do you think you are?!”

“Silly Rainbow! He thinks he’s Famine!” Pinkie was bouncing.

He glanced dispassionately at Rainbow’s wings, which were flared angrily. “What’s got your plot in a knot, bluebird?”

“That’s Rainbow Dash to you!”

The corners of Famine’s mouth twitched. “What a name…I like bluebird better.”

A staredown ensued, Rainbow still wearing a mask of rage, Famine maintaining his minute, irritating smile.
“Guys? Guys? Hey!”

Pinkie Pie was fixed with a glare and a blank gaze.

“We still haven’t found out why Sugarcube Corner turned into Dusty-pile Corner.”

Rainbow shot a look at Famine. “Yeah. I wonder. Spill the hay, Famine. What did you do to the food?”

“I came within a certain distance, I guess…I wish I could help it, it does make me a bit of a drag at parties. Oh well, we all have our flaws. You, for instance, are a bit of a hothead.”

“So what you’re telling me that everywhere you go the food turns to dust, and your name is Famine.” She glared at him. “Like that’s even possible. How stupid do you think I am? I mean, I don’t see a horn, so you probably have a unicorn accomplice around here somewhere.” She glanced around, wielding her glare like a searchlight.

Pinkie Pie gave Famine a sideways look. Literally. “I dunno, Dashie…he doesn’t look like he’s joking around. I mean, he’s not even smiling! Not properly anyway. His face looks like a stranger to smiles. I could introduce them!”

Famine was giving Pinkie the look that nearly everypony does. “You seem to have fallen out of a tree as a foal. On your head. Kind of reminds me of a guy I know…”

Rainbow once again pressed an angry face to his. “Hey! You still haven’t explained yourself!”

Famine sighed. “Fine. You asked, so I’ll tell you.” He looked straight into her eyes.
“I’m the Black Horse of the Apocalypse.”

A moment passed.

Then another.

Rainbow Dash collapsed with laughter, thrashing on the floor as if possessed. “Too…rich!”

Famine watched her, his expression sagging.

Pinkie Pie cocked her head at the incapacitated pegasus. “What’s so funny?”

╬

Ink Splat had been working as a receptionist in Princess Celestia’s waiting room for twenty years, and not once had she seen a pony as tall as Her Royal Highness.

But right now, standing in front of her, was the strangest and most terrifying thing she had ever laid eyes on. It was like all of Tartarus had imploded, mated with darkness itself, then laid an egg that it set on fire then hatched into this horrific creature that looked so like a pony. Which it also set alight. Then dropped it on its head a few times for good measure.

Ink Splat lived up to her name all over the form she was filling out when their eyes met.

It smiled, revealing pointed teeth. It looked ridiculously cheerful for such a twisted menace of an equine.
“An audience with the Princess, if you please.”

Ink levitated the necessary parchment, her eyes never leaving Mephistroteles as the form landed before him. She shivered.

“Thanks” He picked it up in his own magic. It looked as if the page had burst into flames.

He went and sat next to a pegasus, Feather Dust, who didn’t look quite as stern as he had before the Prince entered the waiting room.

Mephis filled out the form, the scratching of his quill on the parchment the only sound in the room. When he reached the section on his reason for his appointment, he frowned for a moment, then ticked every box, including ‘other’. He specified his desire to retire and become an ice sculptor, before signing the form and sitting on it.

Mephis turned to the stallion beside him. “Hi there!”

Feather Dust shrank in his seat.

Mephis was unpertubed, smiling widely. “What’s your occupation?”

Feather gulped.

“I work in education, myself. I take quite a practical approach to the subjects I teach. Pain, emotional turmoil, ancient history, fact-ology…well, I did! I’m applying for the job of Prince of Equestria. I can’t say I’m confident, but there’s always a chance, right?”

Feather Dust fainted.

Mephis looked on with wide eyes and an admiring smile. “Well, he was a quiet fellow! I suppose he was up late last night.
What a dedicated citizen!”

A guard entered through a gilded door that led to Celestia’s chamber. “Next!”

Mephis looked around.

Nopony dared draw attention to themselves.

The Prince of Darkness beamed at them all. “Everypony here is so very polite! I’ll be sure to award you all medals of honour for General Niceness! Oh, and cake!”

He trotted happily through the gilded doors.

“I’ve never eaten a cake…”

╬

The Pallid Horse was a simple soul.

Well, being a ponified concept he didn’t technically have a soul, but he enjoyed simple pleasures.

Letting his black eyes absorb the blue of the sky, feeling the breeze caress his atrophied facial muscles, feeling the grass beneath his hooves…

Unfortunately the grass wilted beneath his hooves, so he had to keep walking to new grass, which also wilted, and so on. It was a vicious cycle.

He was by far the most enigmatic of the Four Horses, especially considering he hadn’t spoken a word in hundreds of years.

Conquest called him the quiet one.

Reaching a stone bridge, he tilted his head ever so slightly to look at the water.

An emaciated face stared back, mottled greenish skin long since lost its colour, moth-eaten tufts of what remained of his creamy mane. His eyes – by far his most disturbing feature – like two black pits, one could almost fall into them and be swallowed up, never to resurface…

He kept walking. He could feel the life fleeing from the tussocks that made contact with his hooves, so he was careful not to stay in one place too long.

The brown trail lengthened. He returned to the road as he moved further out of town, buildings replaced with grasses, trees…

Death liked trees. He could stay near them for hours before he had to leave.

Wandering ever further from the town, he wondered.

Not in words, though. Death didn’t think in words. He hadn’t thought in words for centuries.

He thought of his alabaster brother, with a mane and tail like golden thread, and a face that mares – and sometimes stallions – would whinny for.

He thought of his brother the colour of blood, with his eyes as cold and hard as stones, his muscled form strong and resilient, but hidden in his chest a weakness for gardening and fine cuisine.

He thought of his brother who was blacker than the night sky, but his eyes as blue as the day. The dark, deadpan face that masked a quick and active mind, caught in melancholy musings much of the time.

A bird flew above the Pallid Horse’s head. He watched it in his peripheral vision as it wheeled around and away.

Always, the life was going away.

He stopped.

Carried by the lilting air, was a sound. A lovelier sound he had never heard. His ears, ever so slowly, like flowers opening to the dawn, lifted.

His legs creaking into motion, he walked toward the source. Stepping around a tree, he was stopped in his tracks.

Before him was the embodiment of beauty herself, the sound dancing from her lips so sweet he could almost taste it in the air.

Death’s eyes almost imperceptibly widened, and he blinked.

Her coat was the soft yellow of a winter sunset, culminating behind her shoulders into two graceful wings, neatly plumed with feathers of the same hue that looked soft enough to swaddle an ailing butterfly. Her mane was the pale pink of blossoms in spring, cascading down either side of her face like a waterfall frozen in time, tapering to delicate curls that flicked and danced with the motion of the entire mare, the bobbing flight as she sang along with the birds who flew alongside her, a twirling and gliding, utterly perfect ponification of life and loveliness.

For the first time in centuries, the shrivelled muscle in the Pallid Horse’s small chest contracted…then relaxed.

Just once.

╬

Princess Celestia of Equestria was reviewing plans for Prince Blueblood’s birthday celebration when her doors flew open, swinging on their hinges as Prince Mephistroteles of Tartarus walked in.

Her eyes widened.

He looked at her quizically for a second, then glanced at the doors, which were banging against the pillars to either side. “Oh, sorry!” They caught fire, then closed gently and regained their not-ablaze regularity.

She stood at her full height, glaring at him. “What are you doing here?”

“Hmm?” His brow wrinkled as if somepony had pulled a thread. “I came for an audience with you.” In an instant, rare clarity bloomed within his eyes, and Mephistroteles had a clear goal. His mane and tail flared up, and his eyes glowed as He assumed the Royal Tartarian Manner of Addressing Fellow Royalty and Subjects Alike. “We have mattersss to dissscussss, you and I. Yahneigh has lefft thisss nation in your care, and it hass fallen into grave imbalancccce.”

Celestia pointed her horn straight up, so that her nose was higher than his, years of Royal Decorum maintaining her composure. “And what imbalance would that be?”

╬

Twilight Sparkle was pacing.

In fact, she was pacing so frantically that Rarity feared for her carpet.

Conquest was answering Twilight’s question in a manner which suggested that the Four Horses of the Apocalypse dropped by for tea and biscuits every Tuesday.

“…then we decided to split up, which we thought would keep ponies from making connections, you know? I had a little flash of brilliance, though. I thought to myself: ‘Hay, we’re trying to go incognito here, right? Well who is the most obviously abnormal of us?’”
He paused, glancing at Twilight, Rarity and Spike in turn, waiting for them to give the obvious answer along with a barrage of admiring nods.

They stared at him, uncomprehending.

He rolled his gloriously golden eyes. “Death.”

A trio of raised eyebrows.

Conquest snorted derisively. “You’ll find out. So, I had a brilliant plan to get him a cloak to wear, which is why I came to this lovely boutique…and met its lovely owner.”

Rarity blushed.

Spike glared.

Twilight stomped a hoof. “Get to the point! What are the Four Horses of the Apocalypse doing in Ponyville?”

Rarity nearly fell flat on her perfectly fixed face. “The what?”

Spike’s eyes were like dinner plates. He blubbered and ran from the room. “This is the end! This is the end of Equestriaaaaa!!”

Conquest lowered one ear. “Why would we want to end Equestria?”

Rarity was breathing into a conveniently present paper bag.

Twilight gave the stallion a withering look.

He looked sheepish. “Oh, right. But hay! Just because we were created to do something doesn’t mean we want to do it! I mean, Equestria is the nice place! If we had to choose, we’d destroy Tartarus.” He glanced around nervously. “B-but first we’d make sure Mephis was ok with it.”

Rarity, having recovered, stepped forward, a pleading look on her beautiful face. “Twilight, dear, I really think we should try to find these other three and see whether this isn’t a practical joke that’s being played out. I just don’t believe that this...”
She looked Conquest up and down, her face colouring. “…ah…fine stallion proves anything.”

The stallion in question tossed his mane, slightly annoyed.

Twilight stood, determination written on her face. “We need to prove this theory, round up the Horses and take them to
Canterlot! If anyone knows what to do with them, it’s Princess Celestia!”

Conquest’s face lit up. “Oh, that’s where Mephis went! Perfect!” This mare would lead them straight to him...

The White Horse had another brilliant plan.

Twilight glanced at him. “That’s strange…oh well, I guess that’s one down.”

Rarity’s eyes gained a determined set and she joined Twilight at the door of Carousel Boutique.

Twilight smiled, her mission clear. “Let’s go track down some stallions.”

A checklist formed in her mind.

╬

The shadows flickered and danced across the walls as if invoking some sacred and secret ritual. The room was bathed in an orange tone.

“Poniesss everywhere are oblivioussss. They are ssssheltered and unaware, pressserved in a bubble of zealoussss and misguided affection.”

Celestia was dumbfounded, not that you could tell from her face. “But why is that a bad thing? I have protected my little ponies from all the ills of the world. They have nothing in life to fear! What could possibly be wrong with that?”

Mephis’ eyes glowed brighter as they widened, his small three-pointed crown casting a menacing shadow on the ornate doors behind him. “Right you are, Celesssstia. In thisss life, they have naught to complain about.” The flames intensified, and his eyes flashed with rage. “But did you for a sssecond conssider the next life? How do you think it feelssss, Celessstia, to have to catch them up on all they misssssed?”

Celestia said nothing for what seemed like an eon, her face a mask of horror as she digested what he had said.

Then, a single word passed through her pristine royal lips.

A single utterance of horrified disbelief.

“What?”

All at once, the Prince of Darkness understood.

╬

Check.

Twilight had tracked the Red Horse to the hospital after a conversation by Applejack’s abandoned apple cart and some clever detective work.

Now she just had to convince the doctor of the mental ward to release him.

“I’m sorry miss, but this stallion is under a very serious delusion. I simply cannot release him until we get to the root of this psychological trauma. He attacked a mare on the street! He is a dangerous individual that just can’t be let out!”

Twilight sighed, exasperated.

Rarity pulled her aside. “Let me handle this, dear.”

A few well-placed words and some batting of glorious eyelashes later and Twilight, Rarity and Applejack were stepping proudly out of the hospital, Conquest and War in tow, all on their way to Sugarcube Corner to get Pinkie Pie. After that it was on to Fluttershy, and trying to locate Rainbow Dash’s latest afternoon nap spot.

Together, they’d find the remaining Horse in no time at all, especially with Rainbow conducting an air search.

The Red Horse’s frown became a little shallower. “Brother! I see these mares are on our side! I am quite sorry to say that under false pretences I took one of them as my prisoner!”

Applejack dropped back and trotted between them. “Look’e here now, mister War. Ah told ya that’s all cleared up now. Ah’m sure after we get y’all to Canterlot the Princess’ll know just what t’do!” She cantered to catch up to Twilight and Rarity.

Conquest eyed her hindquarters, then turned to War. “You say you took one of them as your prisoner? Well, in my valiant quest for a cloak, I took one of them as my–”

A scream echoed through the streets of Ponyville.

It sounded like Fluttershy.

╬

Mephistroteles had grown to half again his height, his wings flared out and their tips brushing the ornate ceiling of Celestia’s courtroom. “HOW CANST THOU NOT KNOW? THOU ART THE CUSTODIAN OF THIS FAIR LAND, CREATED BY YAHNEIGH HIMSELF!”

Celestia sat down on a cushion. She was locked in endless circles of mental dismay, questions upon questions swam restlessly through her mind. How could she not have known? What if she had?

What else wasn’t she aware of?

“You mean…all this time, there has been…a second life? One filled with horror?”

Mephis shrank down to his regular height, his mane dying down and his eyes returning to normal, madness and all. “Well, this is unexpected.”

Celestia thought for a moment. As she was thinking, a small wisp of green smoke snaked into the open window.

Mephistroteles looked on, transfixed, as the smoked coalesced into a small pale green point of light, and flashed to reveal a scroll.

Taking the scroll in her yellow aura, the Princess unrolled it. It was in Spike’s hoof. Well…claw.

My dearest Teacher,

This is going to sound crazy, but the Four Horses of the Apocalyse are in Ponyville. I have found the First, and he says they will all come willingly to Canterlot to request and audience with you. I will be on the next train out of here, along with my friends and the Horses. Apparently they aren’t going to actually cause the apocalypse at the moment, which is a relief, but that doesn’t diminish the severity of the situation: there are creatures of Tartarus in Equestria.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle.

╬

Wrapped around one of the highest branches in a tree near her cottage was Fluttershy.
Standing below her, staring at the trunk, was the Pallid Horse.

“Oh…hi girls…”

The three mares were staring at the greenish form at the base of the tree..

Conquest and War exchanged a glance.

Rarity averted her gaze from the emaciated form standing motionless before her and looked up at the shaking pegasus. “Fluttershy, dear, it’s perfectly safe…I think.”

Twilight trotted around the tree and peered closely at the Pallid Horse. “Fascinating…what’s wrong with him? He looks…sick. Only worse.”

“What you see is Death, The Fourth of us. This is what becomes of a body once life and soul has fled!” War was still frowning, but as that was his natural expression nopony paid much heed.

Conquest approached Twilight. “He’s…not all there, I’m afraid. I can’t recall him speaking, but he’s…companionable, you know?”

Check.

“Now, HE looks like he could use some cookies! Only there’s no cookies left…”

Everypony’s eyes were drawn to a branch opposite Fluttershy. Standing on the bough was Pinkie Pie.

By now, Twilight had given up trying to make sense of the pink pony’s behaviour.

“Pinkie! Three of the Four Horses of the Apocalypse are in Ponyville! We’re taking them to Canterlot, locating the last one, and taking them to Princess Celestia! I had Spike send a letter, he’s back at the library digging up every book I have that may have information on them.”

Conquest turned to Twilight again. “Wait, what did you say?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know the plan! You were the first one we found!”

Conquest facehoofed. “No, you said there were only three of us here. What the home gave you that idea?”

Twilight looked at him condescendingly. “You mentioned one of you was in Canterlot.”

“I said Mephis was in Canterlot. He’s not a Horse! In fact, I’m not even sure he counts as a pony…”

Twilight froze. “Mephis?”

War cocked his head. “Our commander, Mephistroteles of Tartarus! He said he would have need of us in order to fulfill his plan!”

Conquest nodded. “Something about negotiating his takeover…”

Twilight’s world crashed. “The ruler of Tartarus is going after Celestia?”

Applejack stepped forward. “We gotta do somethin’!”

“Girls, it’s imperative that we catch the next train to Canterlot!”

Fluttershy flitted nervously to the ground, keeping Applejack between her and Death, who had turned to face her once again, his blank eyes boring into her mane.

Rarity winced at his eyes. “Oh, dear! We simply cannot take that…pony…on a train! Or out in public, for that matter. I don’t even think he’d pass for the norm on Nightmare Night!”

Pinkie Pie thrust a hoof into the trunk of the tree and withdrew a black, hooded cloak.
“I have cloaks stashed all over Ponyville.” She bounced to the ground, the cloak landing across her nose. “In case of cloak emergencies.”

Conquest and War were giving her that look.

Death was staring blankly at Fluttershy.

Twilight did her ‘For Equestria!’ pose. “To the station!”

Four mares galloped, another bounced. Conquest and War galloped, too.

Death walked, still staring.

Applejack was on Twilight’s right. “So what’ll we do about findin’ the last Horse? He’s gotta be somewhere in Ponyville.”

Rarity came up on her left. “Not to mention Rainbow Dash. We can’t leave without her!”

Pinkie bounced along beside the white unicorn. “Oh! Is his name Famine?”

Twilight glanced back to Conquest, who nodded. “That’s him. But where could he be?”

Bounce. “He was at Sugarcube Corner.” Bounce. “He made Dashie pretty annoyed.” Bounce. “She took him somewhere to interrogate him.” Bounce. “Said if she didn’t get the name of his accomplice out of him soon, she’d take him to the library and get you to sort him out…egghead style!”

An idea dawned on her, and she raised her voice. “Girls! Keep heading to the station! I have a stop to make.”

╬

Mephis sat on a cushion opposite Celestia. “So you really didn’t know…well, it’s a good thing I came here!”

The Princess shook her head as if that would clear it, regaining her composure. “What would you do, Mephistroteles? What would you do if Equestria were in your hooves?”

The dark creature smiled. “I’d make everything perfectly balanced…in one life. Of course, I still get their souls in the end, that’s how it’s always been. But I won’t have to make them suffer any longer. I won’t have to teach them personally, because they would already know from experience.” He looked her straight in the eye. “I would send the Four Horses to wreak War,
Famine and Death across Equestria.”

Celestia felt an instinctive surge of revulsion. “I don’t like it.”

Mephis’ eyes flashed and, for an instant, his smile was gone. “You don’t have to like it.”

He was hoping to avoid taking her soul. It would be risky, for one…this was an Alicorn, not a doorman.

Besides, he’d hoped to be able to develop his diplomatic skills beyond the old ‘Hey, let’s do it my way. No? Well, nom nom nom soulssssss’ method.

He dearly hoped the Princess wouldn’t force his hoof.

╬

“So where we headed, Bluebird?” The corner of the Black Horse’s mouth was curled up into a contemptuous smirk. This was the most entertainment he’d had in decades.

The irritated mare nearly stopped galloping to shoot him an eyeful of daggers. “I told you, it’s Rainbow Dash. And we’re going to the library. I have a friend who is going to get totally egghead on this whole situation.” She adopted her best air of superiority. “Now, what you need to get into your head is that I’m only getting her to do this because it’s the quickest to get the truth outta you.”

Famine raised an eyebrow. “Right. Oh, I thought I should tell you…I’m actually a tree. Or did you see through that ingenious ploy?”

Rainbow shot him another venomous glare, then concentrated on being twenty per cent cooler than him. “No, really. If I didn’t have better things to do, I’d get the truth outta you myself. I mean, sure it would take longer, but hey, I make up for it with pure, undiluted awesomeness.”

The black stallion could barely contain his laughter. What was wrong with him today?

Spike jumped nearly two hooves into the air when Rainbow Dash burst into the library, the door listing on its hinges.
“Rainbow Dash! You need to get to the station!” He caught sight of the stallion behind her. “Him too!”

Her eyes were flooded with puzzlement. “Where’s Twilight?”

“They’re all waiting for the next train to Canterlot. It’s an emergency! You have to catch up to them!”

Rainbow nodded, flicking her tail. “On it!” Halfway to the door, she stopped. “Wait…did you just say ‘him too’?”

Spike nodded so voraciously that it looked as if he’d shake himself to pieces.

Famine tossed his head, the electric-blue streak in his mane parting around his eye. “Yeah, he did. You deaf?” He turned to Spike, narrowly missing more optic knives. “So why should I care?”

The small dragon thought for a moment. “I have a message for you from Conquest. He says…the Prince of Darkness is at the end of the line.”

His eyes widened. Mephistroteles was utterly unpredictable.

Playtime was over.

The Black Horse galloped out the door, quickly overtaken by Rainbow. She took to the air, but he followed close behind.

A plume of steam was rising from behind the small building that was the station. Rainbow picked up the pace.

Famine decided that one day, he was going to make a Deal and get himself some wings.

She landed on the wooden deck of the platform as the train began pulling away. The Black Horse rounded the building, but had no time to check his speed and slammed straight into her.

Crashing to the planks in a pretzel of black and blue, the two had the breath knocked clean out of them.

“WHAT THE BUCK?” Rainbow began disentangling herself from her new nemisis.

Irritation overtook his amusement and made his tone almost a growl. “Well said, Bluebird.” He unceremoniously gave her back her left wing before comprehending the gravity of the situation. “Oh, manure.”

The train was gaining speed. He galloped in pursuit, and Rainbow leapt into the air. He only had until it reached the end of the platform.

The last passenger carriage slipped ahead of him. His only chance was a freight car.

Rainbow Dash flew alongside the train, but the passenger doors were all locked. She dropped back and found a freight car, it’s doors conveniently locked in the ‘open’ position. She dived the left hand door…

…just as Famine sprang through the right.

They slammed into each other and crashed straight to the ground, before the momentum of the train rolled the ball of legs and bruises to the back of the empty freight car.

Rainbow Dash snatched her limbs back from the Black Horse with all the bitterness she could muster without angering her new bruises. “Plotface…”

He glared, shaking his toussled mane back into some semblance of order. “Buckwit…”

╬

Fluttershy removed her nose from the train window and turned to Applejack. “Oh, I do hope Rainbow got onto the train. Do you think she was hurt?”

Applejack smiled reassuringly. “Not at all, sugar cube. It’d take a mighty foe to git Rainbow Dash down. Ma word, she’d prob’ly defeat all kinds o’ vicious creatures usin’ only her ego.”

The pegasus eyed the towers either side of the gate into Canterlot as it zoomed past. “But if she made it onto the train, wouldn’t she have found us?”

Rarity came and sat on Fluttershy’s other side. “I’m sure she just became mired at a dessert trolley.”

Pinkie Pie stuck her head in from the next carriage, wearing a mask of frosting. “Did somepony say dessert?”

Twilight was looking at the castle as it grew larger, filling the window and then disappearing behind the buildings of inner city Canterlot. “We’re almost here, girls. When we arrive, listen for rumours of a strange newcomer.”

On the opposite side of the carriage, Conquest was trying to hold a serious conversation with War.
“Does Death look almost…conscious? I mean, is it just me, or has he been staring at that…what was her name…Butterfly? Ok, staring at Butterfly…for the entire train ride?”

War aimed his frown at Death, then at ‘Butterfly’. “I see nothing out of order here. Our Brother is one who stares a lot!”

Conquest sighed. War certainly wasn’t the conversationalist. Famine was a better talker, once you got past his disturbing tendency to appear devoid of emotion. Famine was also the most observant. He’d be able to tell what was up with Death in two flickers of a flame.

The train screeched to a halt at the Canterlot Station.

In a freight car at the end, two ponies fell into a combined heap for the third time in a day.

Rainbow Dash scowled at everything and nothing as she found herself lying across Famine’s back. “Okay, this is getting ridicu-HEY!”

He stood up one leg at a time, tipping her off over his head. “I never thought I’d say this, Bluebird, but I find I’m in agreeance with you.” He trotted towards the open door of the car.

“Ok, three syllables. Rain. Bow. DASH. Get your manure-filled head around it!” She followed the Black Horse out of the car and onto the paved platform.

“Keep your tail on, Bluebird.” Famine allowed himself a tiny, triumphant smile. She made it too easy.

Shooting him a glare, Rainbow turned to see her salvation from this literal companion from Tartarus…her five best friends, all standing just a few carriages up…her face split into a smile, and she began galloping…

But caught herself. No. The fastest flyer in Equestria and the definition of awesome did not go galloping up to her friends smiling like a filly in a candy shop. She turned her face to maximum coolness and closed the distance between herself and her friends with a trot that just exuded radicalness.

“Listen, Bluebird…just so you know…you look bucking ridiculous.”

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight cantered up to her. “We were so worried! Did you bring Famine?”

The Black Horse stepped forward and looked blankly into her eyes. “I brought myself.”

Twilight turned to Conquest. “Everypony seems to talking about a monster that came to Canterlot last night. They’re saying it’s tall as the Princess, black as the night and madder than a march mare.”

Conquest and War exchanged yet another glance. “That’s Mephis.”

Rarity trotted up from a nearby group of haughty unicorns. “They say it headed for the castle earlier today!”

Twilight’s expression turned serious. “Then we have no time to lose. To the castle!”

Everypony began galloping up the street toward Canterlot castle. Well, almost everypony. Pinkie Pie bounced, and Death stuck with a walk.

Rainbow dropped back to Conquest’s pace, raising her voice in order to be heard over the eight other sets of beating hooves. “Hey! Conquest, right?”

He smiled conceitedly. “In the magnificently poised flesh!”

Rainbow inwardly facehoofed. It was Rarity in a stallion’s body, with ten times the confidence. “Uh…you seem to have left the thin guy behind!”

Conquest smiled, his molten gold eyes running over her multicoloured mane. “Oh, he’ll catch up! He has a trick up his plot!”

Rainbow Dash decided that she did not want to be in range of those gorgeous, lecherous eyes and dropped back behind him, level with Pinkie Pie. “Hey, Pinks!”

“Hey Dashie! Isn’t this fun? It’s like a moving party!”

“I guess it is…shame about the food, though.”

As the group moved through the town, haughty neighs of horror could be heard from behind as ponies sitting in restaurants, dining in outdoor cafés, and enjoying a barley sugar at a sweet stall were deprived of their edibles by Famine’s presence.

Rainbow narrowed her eyes at the very thought of him.

Oddly, there were no guards at the palace gates, though Twilight could swear she saw a spot of red on the steps…

They burst into the waiting room, the group expanding to almost fill the chamber, Twilight at the front, with Conquest just behind.

The unicorn behind the desk who was busy with her quill stood up to protest when a cracking sound was heard.

Everypony froze as, on Twilight’s right, a section of the floor cracked and crumbled, liquefying.

Up from the floor rose the Pallid Horse in his black hooded cloak, Death itself embodied for all to see, his black eyes like bottemless holes boring deep, so deep into his skull…

Ink Splat fainted. Everypony – excluding the Ponyvillians and the Four – galloped, screaming from the room.

A soundless moment passed.

Rainbow Dash’s voice broke the silence.

“Now that was AWESOME!”

Death blinked.

╬

Mephistroteles raked his vermillion eyes across the decorated walls, examining them as he examined the situation.

On the one hoof, his plan would go infinitely more smoothly if he didn’t kill Celestia.

On the other, her soul would make a pretty addition to his collection.

On another…she had a lovely physique. Soullessness was hardly becoming, even to Mephis…

But she was so grim! The discovery of a life of torture following this one appeared to have sucked the soul out of her anyway...Mephis couldn’t think why, it’s not like it was her fault.

It wasn’t even his fault. It was in his job description.

Celestia got to her hooves, the began pacing. “It can’t be right. There must be another way!”

Sounds came from the other side of the door.

Voices. Many voices.

The Prince of Darkness raised his ears.

The Princess of the Sun instinctively stopped looking distressed and went back to looking unflappably regal.

The voices were muffled, but Mephis could make out the familiar timbres of War and Conquest.

Wonderful!

Celestia’s eyes flicked to Mephis’ face-splitting smile and back to the gilded door.

Said door flew open and hit the pillars supporting it for the second time since she’d raised the sun.

In trotted, bounced and walked a strange assortment of ponies, of all sizes, colours, races and variations of the sixty-fourth chromosome.

…not as wonderful.

Twilight, stepped forward, cleared her throat and put on her Official Canterlot Business voice. “Princess Celestia! We present to you the Four Horses of the Apocalypse!”

Conquest sidled up to the tall, dark figure opposite the Princess. “So…what’s up?”

The six mares caught sight of Mephistroteles.

His grin was all teeth and split his face in a way that promised oodles of fun.

In the worst way possible.

Five pairs of ears drooped.

Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing. “Now, that’s a smile!”

Celestia cleared her throat. “My little ponies, I present to you Prince Mephistroteles of Tartarus.”

Fluttershy hid behind her mane.

The Four Horses moved to stand with Mephis, as Twilight and the other Elements went to surround Celestia.

Applejack adjusted her stetson. “Now don’t you fret, Princess. This varmint ain’t gonna harm one itty bitty hair in yer royal mane!”

This complicated things. But at least the Horses had made it to the party!

Conquest glanced ruefully at the veritable smorgasboard of mares. “Surely it won’t come to that!”

Rainbow Dash pawed the carpet and fixed Famine with a violent glare. “Dust-plot is mine.”

Pinkie Pie was ever-cheerful. “That’s okay Dashie!” Bounce. “You don’t have to claim him out loud!” Bounce. “He’s not my type!”

Rarity and Fluttershy looked at Rainbow quizzically as the double meaning reached her brain.

“What?! NO! I mean…” She let out a guttural growl.

The Famine winked at her. “Nice to hear I’m cared about.”

If looks could kill, the Black Horse would be dead, buried, jumped on, exhumed, burned, spat on, then fed to a pig…that was eaten by a dragon…who had a stomach condition that meant that everything he ate was regurgitated and eaten again.

Conquest raised an eyebrow at his black brother. Curiouser and curiouser…

Celestia held up a hoof. “There’s no need for violence, my little ponies.”

Rainbow muttered something, but was silenced by a look from Rarity.

Twilight took a step toward Mephistroteles. “I agree. We don’t even know what the situation is!”

Bounce. “I know what it’s not!” Bounce. “A birthday party!”

Three of the Four Horses winced simultaneously. Death’s ears drooped.

A hissing sound was coming from the Prince. Everypony’s eyes turned to him as his pupils expanded.

His left eye twitched.

His mane flared up.

Then, the Prince of Darkness collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

Celestia appeared to be in shock.

Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbow were no longer in possession of their mandibles.

Pinkie Pie was watching the distraught stallion, her smile gone. “Was it something I said?”

Conquest had a hoof on Mephis’ shoulder. “Uh…there, there…”

War looked uncertain. “Even the best of us...uh...”

Famine looked at Pinkie Pie through his fringe. “You hit a nerve there, Dianne.”

Twilight moved forward gingerly. “Uh…Mephistroteles? Why are you crying?”

He sniffed. Tears were running down his face. They glowed like embers in the evening gloom as they pooled between his forehooves. “Nopony ever threw me a party for my birthday. Not once. Not even milestones like my six hundred and sixty-sixth.”

Applejack and Twilight looked at one another.

Fluttershy gasped.

Rarity had a hoof to her lips in shock.

Celestia was thinking that maybe this stallion was a few rays short of a sunbeam…

“WHAT??” Pinkie Pie darted forward to stand over him. “That’s SO MEAN!”

Mephistroteles looked up through his luminous tears. His voice was barely a whisper. “I know…day in and day out, I did a job I hated. For decades, for centuries, I diligently worked away, never once complaining though I detested my work.”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes filled with tears, and she too began to cry. “That is so sa-a-aaad!”

Mephis wrung his hooves and looked up at the ceiling. “ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE A SCULPTOR!” Collapsing again, he lay his head on the ground. “And…to eat a cake.”

Pinkie Pie’s face lit up, her tears instantly evaporated. “Wait right there!”

She galloped out of the doors so quickly she was visible only as a pink streak.

Conquest looked at his Brothers. They never asked for their jobs, either.

Famine sighed and walked dejectedly the the farthest corner of the room, sitting on his haunches. He faced the window, his mane over his eyes.

Rainbow glanced at the dejected stallion before remembering how much she despised him.

A second pink streak coalesced into Pinkie Pie, holding in her hooves a cupcake with a single purple candle. It was chocolate, with lime green frosting. “Happy Birthday!!”

The molten amber flow of liquid from the Prince’s eyes ceased. He sniffed, drawing his hooves underneath him and stretching to take a bite of the baked wonder.

A forked tongue snaked out and lapped up some frosting. Rarity went green.

The Prince of Darkness shot up into the air, crashing into the ceiling and ruining the paint.

Falling and landing neatly on his hooves, he smiled so wide that his face looked all teeth. “I LOVE CAKE!”

Two rows of razor teeth clamped shut around the cake, a hair’s breadth away from Pinkie’s hoof.

She smiled. “Happy to help!”

The last few crumbs turned to dust on the carpet as Famine walked over to stand next to Conquest. “The cat should go away more often. If that’s even possible.”

“When the cat’s away…” The White Horse started as if struck by lightning. "Mephis!"

A very happy Prince turned to him. “Yes, my alabaster friend?”

“Yahneigh’s always on vacation, right? Why don’t you just strike? Go and…be a sculptor. The Pony Upstairs won’t know the difference, because he isn’t home!”

Mephistropteles’ jaw was suddenly overcome by gravity. “You’re right! I should listen to you more often!”

The residents of Equestria in the room stared.

…really?

The Prince of Darkness took on the Tartarian Manner of Royal Decree. “I hereby declare that I, Mephisssstroteles of Tartarusssss, am retiring as the Educator of the Next Life, relinquissshing any power I have over the Apocalypssse Brothersssss and creating a Back Door into my realm sssssituated close enough to Ponyville that I may visit my new FRIENDSSSSSSS!!!”

Pinkie Pie nearly hit the damaged ceiling. “YAYYY!!”

Celestia leaned down to Twilight. “He…has a lot to learn about friendship. Might I trouble you to make a copy of each of your letters from now on?”

Twilight nodded, a small smile playing about her lips as she watched Pinkie Pie introduce everyone to everyone else. “You can count on me, Princess.”

Amid the cacophony of introductions, Conquest raised his voice. “NOW HOLD ON A BUCKING MINUTE!”

Everypony fell silent. All eyes were on the white horse.

He snorted. “Let me get this straight: All the mounting tension, all the escalating drama…and that’s it? Mephis just says, ‘Hay, you know what? I’ll just retire!’ as if that wasn’t an avaliable curse of action from the very beginning, and everypony has a party? Where’s the thrilling climax?”

Rarity glanced around.

Mephis laughed. “Oh, don’t anypony listen to that stick-in-the-blood! This is a wonderful direction!”

Conquest sighed, deflating, as everypony went back to their tittering.

Famine walked up to him, one ear back. “Just let it go, Brother. What’s the point in dwelling? It’ll just get you worked up, trust me.”

The White Horse gave a small, barking laugh. “Well, I know one thing.”

The Black horse raised an eyebrow. “Really? We had our doubts…”

Conquest ignored the jibe. “This would make a ridiculous story.”