Five minutes ago, there was nothing, except a tissue box. The kind of tissue box that keeps a certain company. But that is not of importance at the moment. So just forget about it for now, okay?
And then there was TWILIGHT! Remember her? Twilight Sparkle was a sad pone who by the power of bad fanfiction (and not Grayskull, since they couldn’t afford it) is in love with trees. And pineapples. More pineapples than trees, but at some point that got changed throughout the rest of the fic, so this is the one standing testament to her relationship with spiky fruit. More than a friend, love; the kind of freaky-deaky love you can only truly have with a citrus fruit. But not with mangos. They know what they did, and their war crimes can never be atoned for.
There was also a potato. But it was wearing a tree costume, so— actually, nevermind, there aren’t any potatoes.
Twilight Sparkle felt a strange sadness when the sun set, except there wasn’t a sun yet, so she ate three trees and went back in time to create Princess Celestia, imbuing her with her love of trees.
“Oh dear Celestia do I love pineapples,” Twilight licked the pineapple sitting in front of her, but in a non-sexual way. Absolutely non-sexual. Nuh-uh, no horni here. You will be bonked if you have such thoughts.
Celestia was lonely, so she summoned Luna into existence using a bulldozer called “Water Bottle.” This will not be important later.
“Oh boy, am I confused already.” Princess Luna looked at her moon watch. “Oh, would you look at the time? It’s almost half-past croissant. I must flee to my virgin games.”
Then a demon arose from the ground ~~a metre~~ three American toes and a pocket knife behind them all, noodle arms and everything.
"Hot Pockets, Hot Pockets for everyone!" a vendor announced through his oversized megaphone. “We have all sorts of flavors, ranging from Flim and Flam’s nuclear bunker, the sound of colours, three different types of poisonous tree frogs, the bulldozer from earlier, a rare jar that none shall speak of, and TV static… oh, and it even includes my favorite, rusty nails!”
Twilight decided that enough was enough, and called into existence the rest of reality. Centred, of course, around pineapple-themed books with tree-themed, tree-shaped bookmarks that were scented with trees. Tree tree tree. Haha, that’s 3 Trees. Threes…
Suddenly it started to rain goblins and orcs. Twenty-three of them, to be exact. They tasted like trees, but Twilight Sparkle doesn’t know that… yet.
A shadow becomes darker as something steps through it. “I AM LORD FROSTED FLAKES,” said the shadow. “WHO ARE YOU?” Twilight couldn't help but feel admiration (and perspiration) for the shadow. It was more than good. It was great. And it tasted great, too.
“Silly shadow man, who are you?” Pinkie Pie tore herself into reality, pointing a hoof at the shadow. “You say funny words.”
"I am… the terror," proclaimed the shadow, "that flaps in the night!" Suddenly, a blast of double-trouble rainbows shot from its eyes and mouth. “FUS ROH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—”
“—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Pinkie finished, also shooting rainbows from her own eyes and mouth. The blast was so beautiful and powerful that it turned into ice so everyone could see it forever and ever onward.
Applejack, who didn’t exist until now, wiped a tear from her eye. “Ah… ah love it!” She suddenly held up a very human-looking thumb. It became immediately clear that she was just Dale Gribble in a horse head mask. Lyra, sweating profusely, obviously didn’t care about this. Her hetero lifemate Not-Bon-Bon sat beside her, staring off into the distance stoically.
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[This section has been left intentionally blank to give your brain cell a rest. Okay, that’s enough.]
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Meanwhile, in Florence, Italy, nothing relevant to this story happened.
Meanwhile, offscreen from our A-Plot, Applejack was planting some kind of seeds.
“This seems vaguely symbolic,” Celestia said, swooping in from literally nowhere, “but I don’t get it.”
“What do ya mean, ya don’t get it? It’s—” She gestured to the baked clay around her, the seeds sitting lifelessly in neat little rows. They appeared to be in some sort of metaphysical representation of reality, an amalgamation of words without corporeal form. “Duh.”
“Perhaps you could explain it to me?”
“I don’t quite like your tone there, Princess?”
“I don’t quite like the way you inflected that sentence as a question.”
Applejack threw a hooffull of seeds at her. “Don’t you make fun of mah accent! Or the bodies I use as fertilizer!”
Seeds flew into Celestia’s mouth. She chewed them experimentally and realized with a twinge of surprise that they were tree (or perhaps pineapple) seeds. For the fourth (or was it fifth?) time that day, Celestia regretted creating omnipotence and subsequently giving it to herself. Twilight clearly didn’t, however, and she continued licking her pineapple aggressively. It was so delicious, nothing could stop her! NOTHING!
“Respond to the comment below with your Fimfiction username (or whatever social media you prefer) to be credited in the description!” Twilight said, pineapple barbs sticking from her tongue and giving her a distinctly Appleoosian drawl.
Twilight then had a sudden urge to make Spike write with a pineapple-shaped pen. Spike, however, was too busy drawing manga and writing fanfiction with an apple-shaped pen. Applejack (the real one) clearly approved.
The shadow did not, so he combined the pens and decided to ride a motorcycle and shoot people with banana pudding.
“NOOOOOO!” Spike said upon losing his beloved pen and rolling up into a ball, crying for the loss of his love. Twilight tried to cheer him up by buying him a copy of Shadow the Hedgehog, but Spike burned it to a crisp and suddenly, fire.
“OW, THE EDGE,” said Spike. The hEDGE continued to beat up Spike until Twilight Sparkle finally said, “Screw this!” and turned it into a pineapple. She salivated at it for the next minute and a half.
Then suddenly her spit started transforming into sapient AND sentient beings as well, so water was created on the 8th day of the week. The sentient beings started to fire up their very metallic arms and were walking towards the obscure references from about 2 pages ago. The pineapples and trees at this point are in a quantum superposition, so nobody knows for sure whether or not they’re trees or pineapples. Perhaps they’re both.
“My trees!” Twilight screeched. “h9i2ja-02.” Which was the emergency code for life itself. The reality-preserver boats materialized out of the closest available tree, bobbing softly in the stream of time itself. The Captain of life itself came out to test one, but he was eaten by Pac-Man.
Pinkie, never allowing a friend to be without emergency trees, became the existence in itself and put one in front of Twilight. When Twilight felt some relief, Pinkie smashed it with a hammer and screamed, “You’ve been gnomed!”
The purple book horse screamed calmly, “HOW DARE YOU?!?!”
“We still need a plot for this thing,” Pinkie exclaimed, “so no trees for you. Fetch me a shrubbery!”
“A what?”
“A shrubbery”
“SHRUBBERY!”
“Well, what kind of shrubbery?”
“SHRUBBERY!”
“I have one,” the shadow who no one remembers says as he points to Spike. “You, lad, are quite the thorny individual.”
Spike snarled at him and said, “SHUT UP, KEVIN, GO TO YOUR PLAYSTATION 4 AND PLAY FARM SIMULATOR AND LEGO STAR WARS!”
“SHRUBBERY!”
“Oh, ok,” was all the shadow said.
“I also have a shrubbery!” a potato said, waving one around. “Take mine!” But the potato was too late, for the scene was already transitioning!
“How long is this fanfic going to take? Beanie, this is hurting my brain cell,” asked some random guy from the corner of the street. Random guy from the corner of the street proceeded to be yeeted into the story in full-force, now the protagonist as we forgot that this is still MLP.
“YOU FOOL,” said the Princess of the Night who jumped out of a moon pie. “WE’RE ONLY A THOUSAND WORDS INTO THIS FANFIC. DESCEND INTO THE CHAOS.”
“HEY, THAT’S MY LINE!” a certain chaos-wielding draconequus exclaimed offscreen.
“SHRUBBERY!”
The AA batteries she was holding from her controller were still dangling from Princess Luna’s wings.
“Where did you even come from?” the lavender purple lilac violet mauve light indigo magenta orange or just ‘purple’ pony said.
“I hide in your pastries every Tuesday waiting for the perfect moment.” Princess Luna munched on a banana. “‘Tis now when the opportunity presents itself!” So the curtains fell and opportunity came walking through. She was the most bueat— beua— pretty thing the ponies ever saw. Then suddenly, that discontinued Tiger Woods-themed Gatorade, the ultimate lifeform, materialized from the mare’s mane.
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[We will now observe a moment of silence for the brain cells lost during the writing (and reading (and ‘editing’)) of this glorious cultural phenomenon. Many were lost, and their sacrifice shall not be forgotten. Press F to pay respects. No, your other F. Your other other F.]
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And then: doom happens as Doom music began playing as the Doom guy from the Doom games suddenly came from out of the doomy doom ground. “DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!” Applejack cackled, the classic Doom music blaring overhead as she pulled out a BFG.
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(Gotta fill the gaping space here so please relax and eat tacos with your siren waifu.)
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“Why did you say ‘one’?” asked Unnamed Background Pony #912, of whom you don’t know how or when they got in this story. And we don’t either. Is that even a correct sentence? Yes, yes it is. Thank you. No problem. Unnamed Background Pony #912 greeted Random Guy from the Corner of the Street. Whilst Appul harse and Doomguy frolicked with Doomguy’s yellow dog waifu (meaning they were looking at maize, gotta keep this T-rated, goshdarnit) in the fields, Rainbow Dash was doing something far more important…
“Oh, tissue box,” she hummed, a flutter in her breath. “How I love you so.”
The tissue box responded, "I have a fillyfriend already and it’s kind-of serious. We’re on, like, the fifth date already.”
“Wait—!” Rainbow wailed as the tissue box excused itself from the table. “Pleeeease, don’t go! I’m so, so lonely! I haven’t even shown you my alicorn OC! It’s black and red and really cool! It makes me think of you!”
“I am sorry but I must go. Goodbyemilady. GLORY! MAY YOU SING FOREVER IN STO’VO’KOR!”
The tissue box leaped off the table in slow-motion. Soon, it went ‘Poof’ and teleported to the other side of the story, while Rainbow Dash could do nothing but sob hysterically and eat a tub of ice cream.
Twilight Sparkle the lavender purple—or lilac-purple—tree-slash-pineapple-loving pony woke up at that moment, realizing she had been sleeping through the entire last 1 and a half pages.
"Relatable," said the shadow everyone forgot about.
Stop ending sentences with so many prepositions because. No. ¿Qué?
“Spike, are you there? Applejack? Was she even with us the last time we were mentioned in this fanfic?” she yelled, but alas, no response. Except trees.
Knock knock knock!
“Who’s thereeeee?” Twilight sang, trotting to the door with INTENSE merriment. She transformed into Celestia, because she had no pineapples close enough to sustain herself in her elevated state.
“Hello, hi there, we’re here to inform you that your car insurance payments are overdue. If you do not pay in the form of Apple iTunes gift cards within the next thirty days, you will have to be evicted from this plane of reality.”
"I have a Water Bottle, can I pay with that?"
“No.”
Princess Luna appeared from the vortex and proceeded to steamroll them with her fabulous flying hover-bulldozer named Water Bottle.
"I said could."
“Lo siento no hablo ingles.”
“Hola, compañero hispanohablante,” said Sombra dressed as an overly stereotypical, or just the standard for Hasbro’s designers, mexican pony. “Sombra es una palabra española que significa Shadow,” said Sombra, which probably means something like, ‘taco tortilla jajaja I fix the plumbing.’
“So anyway,” the salespony who just tried to sell Celestia car insurance even though she herself is faster than a car said, “are you willing to—”
He proceeded to get clobbered over the head with King Sombra. Not by Sombra, mind you—with Sombra. Because Sombra is second best husbando and number one best pone hammer. Spike saw this and teleported to a different place to laugh. Sombra heard this and said, "¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡No creo que sea gracioso!!!!!!!!!!!"Bob the Builder, that savage, handsome beast of a Puerto Rican man (OMG A BOB THE BUILDER CROSSOVER YAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! POGGERS!! YOLO SWAG FORTNITE SUS LAMENT GO BRRRR! TIKTOK), witnessed the whole process of Sombra the Hammer of Horseland clobbering innocent ponies over the head with his own body, so he wielded Sombra as his ultimate weapon of choice!
"I'm begging. You. To stop this," Discord said. "These portals weren't even made by moi."
And to end off this scene, Twibright Sprinkle decided to reset the universe to how it once was— just herself, the trees and pineapples, and the mail box with an unknown fillyfriend. Also that tissue box from earlier, who unknowingly also shares that same unknown fillyfriend. This will never be revisited.
Twilight took a bite out of a nearby tree. All was at peace… for a few seconds, until she heard Fluttertree scream in horrid pain, “HOLY F
ING MOTHER OF GOD WHY THE HECC WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME TWILIGHT OH MY GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—”
“Frick you,” stated the Twinkle Spruce Springsteen. Who had somehow morphed into a towering spruce upon filling her mouth with bark and splinters.
Then suddenly, there were trees, trees everywhere. Not a single bad fanfic in sight. Except for the one YOU’RE LITERALLY FREAKING READING RIGHT NOW YOU F
CKING MORON—
Haha, who are we kidding? Ourselves.
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[This section once again left intentionally blank to allow for a sanity break. Enjoy all the delicious vitamin-blank. It’s blank-flavored, that same blank flavor you know and love. Mmmm, blank...]
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Join the hivemind! Assimilate into the bad fanfiction. We are the Avengers of Insanity in need of recruits.
At this point, fan-favorite OC Nyx von Nyxington of the fantastic New York Nyx (just Nyx, actually) strode onto the scene. “Oh, uh... Hi mom. You... you’ve got a lot of… ASS.”
She gestured vaguely at the tree juice dripping from Twilight’s mouth. “Are... are you okay? And why are there so many pineapples? I thought they didn’t grow on trees...”
“But now they do!” Twilight cheered, stuffing an entire tree down her own throat.
The shadow that was forgotten about said, “Darkness calls but never returns my messages, it’s really annoying. Come to think of it, has Darkness changed its phone number recently?”
Something responded: "YES I HAVE."
It was then that the story had a gritty reboot as is typical in modern contemporary media, the scene changing to that of gritty cyberpunk themes with hefty amounts of biopunk to increase the shock value to the average consumer.
“Ooookay.” Nyx shook her head, and the sound of a single marble in a tin can was heard. “Yeah, no, I’ve played this song and dance and I didn’t like it then, so I’m out.” She then proceeded to dab herself away.
“You know you want to be a creepy flesh demon in a meat suit, don’t lie to yourself,” a being replied, a single neuron bouncing around in its hollow skull like a DVD screensaver.
“...Discord’s high again, isn’t he?” Nyx sighed. “Right, excuse me while I go wrangle sense out of the senseless,” she said, rolling up her sleeves.
A giant squeaky Thor hammer emerged from a portal and bonked Discord with a triumphant squeak. Discord stood still in silent contemplation for a moment, before opening his mouth to let loose a low and pathetic squeak as he was suddenly banished to Ohio, the best place to find:
- More Ohio.
That’s all.
“Remember. You are never truly safe from Ohio.” Ha, more like Blow-hio. Get it? ‘Cause… yeah, you get it.
Nobody knows who said that.
Be sure to take a 15-minute break every hour when using the internet to rest your eyes. And hey, if you’re reading this, wow. You know you could be doing something else, right? Wait… you’re reading this story, so that means… Okay, yeah, you’re in the right place. Good going, champ.
Rarity strutted into the scene for fifteen seconds, long enough to look around. “Firstly, why wasn’t I invited to the anniversary celebration before now? Secondly, why is it so ridiculously ridi—oh. Twilight’s having a tree crisis again. I’ll get the cheese.”
“Pineapples are a bush, you absolute buffoon,” she sighed, walking out of the scene. Only to be shortly ambushed in short order by pineapples, who do not grow on trees and are tired of people getting it wrong.“TAKE ME WITH YOU!” Nyx cried, galloping after her.
The shadow began pulling Nyx in the opposite direction, saying, "No."
“What even are you?!”
“I am Void Spirit, the destroyer of the universes and beloved childhood franchises and nostalgia,” said the spirit. “All your base are belong to me. I think. Please?”
All the readers laughed. Just kidding, this joke sucks. JUST LIKE YA MOM LAST NIGHT HAH!
Every character that has appeared in this story suddenly dabbed all at once, creating a shockwave so massive that reality itself was torn asunder.
“Say my name,” said Big Chungus while continuously dabbing.
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SANITY INTERLUDE - another spot to restore your brain cells and mourn over the ones lost.
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“Ooh! Sanity! My favourite!” bellowed Pinkie Pie, before literally eating ALL of it. Yes, even yours. So I guess, there ain’t no sanity for ya now. Sucks to be you.
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THE ACTUAL SANITY INTERLUDE
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“This is so Orwellian,” said Twilight as she closed her calendar copy of 1984. “Wait, we’re allowed to be sane now?” she asked. “Seriously, my document is starting to lag.”
“Only between the lines that say sanity interlude,” Discord replied.
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SANITY INTERLUDE #4: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. This is actually number 3. You have been bamboozled, no sanity here.
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I’m literally playing that game right now. Well not riiight now, but the past few days. I’m doing the route where androids rise against humans and everyone dies.
“I’m sad,” said the one who had the original idea for this story, as he ate a mushy bowl of peas and lima beans.
“SHRUBBERY!”
Celestia kicked down the door as All-Star started to play in the background.
“Intruder alert! Red Pinkie is in the base!” said the announcement lady as Among Us music began playing.
“A RED PINKIE IS IN THE BASE?”
“Hut hut hut hut. PROTECT THE BRIEFCASE,” said White Soldier.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
“Farmin’s good job, mate!” said AJ.
“It’s challengin’ work, outta doors!”
“I guarantee you’ll not go hungry ‘cause at the end of the day, long as there’re two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone fed.”
“Dad? Dad, I’m a— ye— not a crazed vegan, dad, I’m a farmer… Well, the difference bein’ one is a job and the other’s a mental sickness! I’ll be honest with ya: my parents do not care for it.”
“Oranges?”
“Look, mate, you know who has a lot of oranges?”
“My aunt.”
“Professionals have standards.”
“Apples.”“Apples.”
“Apples.”
Sanya
Okay, now actually back to our regular programming.
“Doin’ ya mom!” shouted Spy as he tossed down a binder full of images of him and Twilight’s mom to the sound effect of a cartoon bonk.
“Sister!” Celestia screeched, “I desire money!”
“NO!” Luna shouted in response. “I SPENT THE ENTIRE EQUESTRIAN TREASURY ON MICROTRANSACTIONS!”That is when Sonic calmly said, “I’M SONIC, SONIC THE HOGHEDGE! YOU’RE TOO SLOW!! I’M CRYING RIGHT NOW, THIS IS BEYOND HILARIOUS! I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, IF THIS GETS ACTUALLY POSTED I’M GONNA LAUGH MY BLUE ARMS OFF FOR MONTHS STRAIGHT!”Sonic then did a line of Rainbow Dash so he could be as speed as possible. Then did a speedrun of life with a generic and overused song playing in the background whilst it happened. He was then kicked from the story for being an annoying-ass character
“Finally he’s gone!” said everyone and no one.
Twilight Sparkle stared at the whiteboard in front of her. This was it. The final exam. She picked up her chalk, setting the tip on the board. Celestia secretly wondered if Twilight actually understood how whiteboards worked, but didn’t bring it up since that wasn’t part of the test.
“So anyway…” Celestia tapped the whiteboard. “You have three minutes left before the universe explodes. Can you tell me what your answer is?”
“Well, erm, at least 40..?” responded Twilight.
“That is correct!” said Celestia.
Then all the readers laughed at the obnoxious Rick and Morty reference. Then at the original author for opening the document publicly. I mean, what WERE they thinking? (Maximize chaos, that’s what they were thinking.) This is the INTERNET we’re talking about! It is, after all, what the point of the mask is. What mask might you ask? We're not answering that.
Over nine-thousand readers proceeded to die from cringe. Those were the weak ones.
Suddenly, in the background and growing progressively louder, we could hear, “...Country roaaaaaaAAAD, TAKE ME HOOOOOOOOOOOME TO THE PLAAAAAAA— I think that’s what it says anyway? AND THE REST OF THE LYRICS LALALALALALA—” and they heard it as you can read it, without pause between the sentences.
“Finally, my colonoscopy papers came back!” exclaimed Blueblood as he swiftly and thoroughly shredded the letter and pulled out the document. “What? This can’t be! 20 percent… BRI’ISH? Nononono! Waitwaitwait!” Bluebrood screamed in agony as he felt his entire jaw squirm in discomfort, his teeth arranging into a snaggletooth grin. “Oi blimey, this is all bongadong drongalong!” He was never seen again as he was dragged into the abyss by spindly hands.
“Hello,” said a wall-eyed pegasus. “Do you or somebody close to you suffer from constant name-shift syndrome? Can nobody agree on what to call you? Do you often miss orders or get the wrong mail because your name’s always different? Don’t worry, there is hope. The Department of Obscure Identification can assist you, and is here to tell you how their best agent—”
“Me!” proclaimed Vinyl Scratch. “People shift my name a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Some people actually think my name is Cinyl Vcratch, Vcratyl Cintch or Isabella or even DJ PON-3! OR EVEN VINYL SCRATCH! Wait, that last one’s right.”
“Me too,” Doctor Whooves added. “I dunno where the hay they got the name Time Turner from.” Dr. Whooves sniffled and wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m just thankful I no longer wake up in Britain.”
And at that same moment, a hushed Brit shed its own tear for its forgotten son.
“Me three,” said Greg, the unnamed green guard from the G5 promo image. Hi Greg!
“Me four,” said Rick Astley. We do not speak of what comes next.
“But the DOI is here to help,” Cinyl continued, adjusting her glasses. “With their patented thirteen-step program, they can make any society agree on what your name actually is!”
“But what if the DOI means Devilishly Overt Imposter?”
“Sus. Haha,” somebody laughed to themselves. Before clutching their head and rocking back and forth as uncontrolled giggles leaked from their pursed lips. “Haha sussy, haha, get out of my head, get out, out, out!”
“I’m glad you asked, Random Background Pony! It’s true that devilishly overt imposters have often been the leading cause in Name-Shift syndrome.” Vinyl smirked roguishly. “Which is why the real DOI has developed the best meme-based weaponry to capture them and bring them to justice. The DOI takes your identity seriously. Very seriously. So seriously, that the next three paragraphs of this crackfic are going to be a serious story.”
~~~
Big Mac committed identity theft.
One day, Big Mac committed identity theft. The end.
~~~
“Welp, that serious idea didn’t work. I’m out,” said Vinyl as she jumped through the window of the building they were apparently in.
“Identity theft is no laughing matter,” replied the same pony as they looked down upon Vinyl’s plummeting body.
“Muahahaha, I beg to differ,” said Identity Theft, smirking from behind the indoor bush.
“My identity!” Big Mac gasped, who is now in the actual fanfic, too, it seems. After all, he is a princess, he has the right to appear in any fanfic he chooses. He is also a queer icon, which grants him indescribable power.
“This is the most incoherent narrative I’ve been a part of,” Twilight grumbled, “and I’ve been a part of actual trollfics.” She ate a tree slice. Pineapple juice dribbled down her chin.
“Well, it’s still a narrative,” Pinkie pointed out. “The first five thousand words or so are just going to be memes and nonsense, but after that, the authors are going to recognize patterns and there’s likely to be a story (is what the original author NAIVELYthought). I mean, look, you’re eating a tree slice!”
Unfortunately, there exists nothing beyond five thousand words.
“Ugh. Yes. I know. But still, it’s just so much to trudge through!”
“Twi, tell you what, we’ll have an unwritten timeskip where you can be perfectly sane, alright? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to make sure we don’t get struck by any copyright laws.”
“...Might as well,” Twilight muttered. “My brain hurts, the readers must have a much bigger headache.”
Seven days passed in which nothing plot relevant happened.
uwu SANITY INTERLUDE uwuRestore your brain cells and mourn the ones you’ve lost here. Unless you use circuits or some other method of non-neurotransmitter intelligence, in which case you probably have a festering hatred of organic life upon viewing this cognitohazard of a fanfic.
lookit dis smile, his so happy :)
“Uh guys? Do y’all think that this fanfic may be getting a little too out of hand?” asked Applejack. ”Nah,” said Pinkie Pie. “I’m liking it.”
“What are hands, by the way? You’re smoking that stuff too much, AJ.”
“You may need someone, Marked with Power,” Discord said from nowhere and everywhere.
Then, all of a sudden, a tissue box with an unknown fillyfriend appeared, who destroyed the entire in-lore universe of this fanfic
All that remained, once again, was Twilight Sparkle… and a pineapple. The tissue box remained as well, drifting along in the infinite darkness of eternity. After all the chaos, after all the insanity, all that remains… is peace.
A calm wind whistled through her mane, which is odd as there was no wind to exist yet, while the world began to reform for the third time. Just ignore the source of this wind.
“Twilight!”
A familiar voice sliced through the fading darkness.
“Twilight! Are you there? Can you hear us?”
“Yes, I can hear the soundwaves of your voices through the wind that comes from an unknown source. Where are you?”
The darkness by now was entirely gone, replaced by a serene landscape sprawling from horizon to horizon; a wide, shimmering lake. Towering mountains high above, aided in their height seemingly by the very butts themselves. An open meadow, filled to the brim by grasses and flowers.
Twilight closed her eyes.
“Twilight!” the voices called again.
She opened them. Where were these voices coming from? She turned her head. In every direction, she remained in solitude.
“Twilight!” One voice shouted this time. High above, a strange shockwave erupted in the air, spreading its rainbow patterns across the sky.
“Twi!” The rainbow-maned mare responsible landed in front of Twilight. She swatted aside the pineapple, though she appeared to be momentarily distracted by the tissue box. “You’ve got to come back!”
“Come back?” Twilight cocked her head. “Why would I ever want to leave? I belong here, don’t I?”
“No.” A pink mare with a long straight mane emerged from the waters of the lake. “This is a fanatical creation of your own mind. A take, if you will, on reality itself. You currently exist within a fanfiction.”
“B-but tree—” Twilight reached a hoof for the impossible pineapple tree beside her. “I—”
“Come back to us, Twi!” another voice called. High above, where the shockwave had originated, the sky began to warp. My butts parted, as did even the nearby mountaintops. It was as if a hole was punched through the very sky itself, allowing the mare to peer into another reality… her home reality.
“Come back to us!” A mare’s face stared back through this portal. Though distant, it was still clear enough to vaguely recognize.
“Star...bright?” Twilight squinted, craning her neck.
“Starlight,” Starlight Glimmer corrected. “You’ve been trapped here for days. Do you… remember who you even are?”
“I like pineapples, I think.”
“No!” Starlight emerged fully from the portal, much to Twilight’s horror. This, however, gave way to confusion as the unicorn’s horn lit, setting herself down gently beside the mare with the rainbow mane.
“You are Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic! But more importantly, you’re our friend. You have to come home, Twi!”
“...Home?”
“Home,” Starlight repeated, “Equestria. You entered this mess on your own, but we’re gonna pull you out!”
Nearby, Applejack and Doomguy continued their frolicking across the open fields.
“Oh yeah, and Applejack, too.” Starlight lit her horn. “We were going to pull Rainbow Dash out of here as well, buuuuut…” She glared at the pegasus, who was currently rubbing her face against a box of tissues. “...Yeah... Anyway, you’re the last one here. Do you really want to live in solitude now that everything has settled down?”
Twilight shook her head.
“Then that’s settled. You’re coming with us.”
Starlight Glimmer proceeded to yeet Twilight Sparkle through the swirling portal, and that, children, is how taxes were made.
Nobody knows if Rarity's still there. Or Big Mac, for that matter. Heck, is Celestia still in this thing? Or is it just me, the final voice in the darkness? Man. Life's weird that way. Now then, before we go, might I remind you of the might of our Lord and Savior, Princess Celestia? She's quite literally a living goddess, and she's the bestest goddess! Hurry, spread the word before they find me-oh dear.
The end, goodbye, and good luck with that headache.
Author's Note
Welp, time to roll the credits! These are the folks with the courage to mark their names (and occasionally link them) on this dumpster fire:
- TheMajorTechie (organizer and writer of the beginning and ending bits.)
- Thenewbluebrony
- TheBandBrony
- Nitro Indigo
- TheVoidCaller
- DaOtterGuy
- Sockpuppet
- MLPHero
- Barro Broadcaster
- Sweetbanana
- HardToRemember#5384/Wamek (post-editor)
- Masterweaver
- hawthornbunny
- Marshmallow Pone
- Level Dasher (post-editor, with the term being used VERY LOOSELY)
- Bad Dragon
- Rytex
- Bicyclette
- BezierBallad
- RandomGuy101 (Didn't actually do anything but somehow got on this list)
- Sanya
Thanks for reading! Let's see if Fimfic ever reaches the lofty goal of a MILLION stories! 
Now then. You should probably get those brain cells checked.
I might open the doc up for a bonus chapter if there's the demand for it! I know a lot of folks weren't really able to join in the first time!
get 🦴'd by this 🦴us chapter
Backwards backwards lean in the load-bearing wall skit Kramer's Seinfeld about how even things that are outdated or offensive or old or irrelevant or whatever can still provide usefulness
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake,” Random Background Pony #912 facehoofed. “We’re doing this again?”
They were promptly yeeted from existence.
Anyway, ‘twas the night before Hearth’s Warming, when all through the mouse, not a creature was stirring, not even a house…
…hEY, wait a minute—
The walls began to shift, because the mouse wasn’t feeling so good. Apparently somepony from the first chapter had put a pineapple fruitcake in the oven.
“BLEEEUUURGH!”
A (healthy?) dose of puke later and the mouse was feeling better now.
Okay, with that pointless event out of the way…
Derpy drifted aimlessly through the sky — wearing a Santa hat, of course. The nonexistent screen panned down to show a certain lavender, pineapple-loving pony sitting in her room.
“Sus,” a voice echoed down from above. “Sussy baka balls.”
There was a distinctive sound of an anti-aircraft missile being fired, and moments later the voice was no more. It screamed out in agony as it faded, “AHHHHHHHHHHH!! TOO SUS!!”
“The voice was the imposter,” read a line of text appearing on the aforementioned nonexistent screen. But that was neither here nor there; it wasn’t anywhere, as a matter of fact, because the aforementioned nonexistent screen was nonexistent. Who would’ve thought it?
Three seconds later, Twilight’s… alone time ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) was interrupted by a large spaceship crash-landing into her home. A red-white-and-green crewmate strolled out holding a plate of pasta.
‘How’d it know I like pasta?’ she thought to herself.
“Sauce,” it said. It reached out with an appendage as it began to beg for the sauce the pasta truly deserved. The crewmate went into a kow-tow, groveling on the floor for its ‘sauce.’
Twilight blinked. “Excuse me?”
“Britain has been acting sauce. He’s the impasta,” said Italy, the crewmate. “He followed Japan into the B E R M U D A T R I A N G L E and stabbed him with a spoon.” Italy was practically crying at this point, but who could blame them?
“Noooooo!” cried Spimbus Twimbleton, cousin of Twinkle Bimglespoon, brother of Tinkie Winkie the teletubby, elder guardian of Clintinculous Bindiculous, significant other to a can of sprite cranberry, and beverage to none other than Twilight Sparkle herself.
Don’t even get me started on his relation to Pinkie Pie.
“Not Japan! Anypony but Japan!” he wailed out. “I haven’t even finished watching Fairy Tail yet! I-I’m gonna sus all over BRITAIN!” and so he gra—
At this point Super Trampoline inserted himself into the middle of not just this story, not just this paragraph even, but this very word which is a verb which means to grasp or take hold of something.
But in this story, I'm not a (Super smart smashing suave sophisticated sexy sophomoric socialist salient someBODY) batpony. Nope, I'm one of the usually three to six flat horizontal portions, often made of wood, metal, or plastic, of a piece of furniture meant for holding books, tools and small equipment, picture frames, paperweights, non-perishable food items, ominous glass jars with rainbow dash figurines in them, and other similarly sized Knick knacks.
I guess you could say I'm a…
...wait for it.
shelf insert.
*Insert booing noises for an absolutely terrible fantastic pun here.*
So this shiortposter, ST, he turns himself into a shelf. Shelf Super Trampoline. Funniest shitza I ever saw.
At this point Super Trampoline went back to procrastinating on cleaning like the dysfunctional loser he is. Anyway, back to the rest of the story. Hopefully it doesn't seem faded plain and boring now next to my amazing shelf insert.
—bbed himself a bowl of ramen and blasted off.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash silently and quite shamelessly nibbled on her only love, Sentient Tissue Box. It tasted like strawberries and mashed potatoes.
“Ho ho ho!” a distant voice laughed overhead. You thought it was the jolly old man himself, but NOPE! It was that punk from G3, Minty, who came crashing down the chimney.
Rarity suddenly came into existence. She gasped and reached for her fainting couch, but missed and grabbed Minty instead.
“My leg!”
“It’ll be more than your leg when I’m done with you!” Rarity cackled. Thunder crashed overhead. The sound, that is, and not the background pony. Unless—
Thunder (the background pony) crashed head-on with a floating stop sign, creating an audible crack. “Oh, my back!” he wheezed.
Suddenly, Batman arrived in the batmobile as the Batman theme from Batman began playing! “Batman!” said Batman.
“Celestia!” Celestia added wisely, and it all kept going from there.
“Smile!”
“Sweet!”
“Sister!”
“Sadistic!”
“Surprise!”
“Service!”
“Spongebob!” a yellow sponge in an undersea pineapple interrupted before the story could get struck with copyright ninjas.
A foghorn blared overhead. Far away, a large ship approached. You know well what kind of ship it is.
“CADANCE PACK N’ SHIP!” Cadance screeched at the top of her lungs. Queen Chrysalis hissed from her perch on the ship’s bow where she was currently duck-taped. “YOU FIT IT, WE SHIP IT!”
Elsa was obviously getting tired of this ship (get it?) so she reverse-Thanos-snapped an iceberg into existence.
“TO THE LEFT! TO THE LEFT!” Shining Armor panicked, running into the cabin. “OR TO THE RIGHT. JUST GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THAT ICEBERG!”
But it was too late, and they scraped a big ol’ gash into the ship. Alexa, this is so sad, play despacito.
A loud explosion was heard in the distance, but since it was plot irrelevant, nopony gave a crap.
Twilight flipped a page in her book. So far, it was only about 725 words. That was far from enough and clearly unacceptable. Airplanes soared overhead in the night sky; Twilight pretended they were like shooting stars. She could really use a wish right now…
…And so she wished for pineapples.
“WHO DARES AWAKEN THE SLUMBERING GODS?” a voice boomed from above. A giant hand pushed the clouds apart, revealing the face of none other than Shaggy Rogers, the most frightening of the elder gods.
Twilight looked up at the looming face. She was mere seconds away from being smited if she made a mistake. She wasn’t scared though; she had a pack of Snickers with her. “You’re not you when you’re hungry,” she said as she grabbed a cannon and shot them at the god.
Shaggy reached down and snatched the Snickers as it approached. It was an acceptable sacrifice, and Twilight’s life was thus spared. Far away, a crop of pineapples burst into being, sprouting big, juicy pineapples reserved just for the mare.
Her eyes suddenly took ninety percent of her face and she started drooling as an angelic choir played in the background. These were clearly psychedelic pineapples. Who would’ve expected anything less from the almighty Shaggy Rogers?
Bob Ross was there too, painting a pineapple nestled into the snow instead of Mountain Dew. It was simply beautiful, like all things he did.
“It’s quiet… too quiet.”
“Time for some goat noises?”
“Time for some goat noises.”
The ground began to tremble. Shaggy from the previous few paragraphs returned. With a nigh-infinitely minute sliver of his power, he used 000.1% of it to summon many goats. It was a very nonspecific and infinitely uncountable number.
The world went back to calm. Far calmer than it was when there were over twenty authors all writing at once the first time. But since it’s the holiday season and many people are on break, lo and behold, there are only three.
“Hey, I’m here too!” a notably ancient Politzanian objected.
“NO ONE CARES!” said the three authors who were here first, plus several more who had since arrived. (Little did they know that he wrote that dialogue for them. Mwahaha!)
“...Who let the dogs out?” Twilight asked, looking up from her pineapple binge. Several Diamond Dogs were currently standing next to her castle.
Spike rolled his eyes and walked away. He was so tired of having to deal with the Diamond Dogs. He hadn’t seen them since Season friggin’ One, for crying out loud!
“And I have a nation to rule!” Twilight shouted behind him.
“Whatever!” Spike responded as he walked outside.
He wandered up to the Diamond Dogs, who were now chipping away at Twilight’s castle because they were secretly crystal castle-eating dragons. Spike sighed once more, pulling out his flamethrower because he forgot he had fire breath for five nanoseconds. After he remembered, he swallowed the flamethrower and used his flame breath on them instead.
Once the job was done, he smashed the burnt remains of the crystal-castle-eating-dragons-disguised-as-Diamond-Dogs between graham crackers and chocolate and ate them. Rarity the Marshmallow felt betrayed by this. Rarity the pony, however…
“Well done, my apprentice,” she said as she stared stoically in the distance. She then disappeared back into the shadows, to which one of the goats Shaggy summoned earlier brayed in confusion.
Meanwhile, in the changeling hive, nothing plot relevant happened. Chrysalis was still somewhere underwater, too. Meanwhile in the void, however…
“i̹̳̍́'̒ͫ̽͐ͯ̈̉m̗̖̠͚̯̠̓ͣ ̹̮̙͖̣ä̰̪͚͎̙͚̪́̌ ͕͓̦͋͊͋̒̔̃̚l̵̝̹͈̳̜͙͎̇į̬̞̼ͬ̿͗ͭ̽̚t̹̪̪̱͙͆̾̎͂t͍̬̗̮̻̤͗ͣͮ͌̐ͬl̒ể̪͕͊͗̂ ̺̥̯͈͗ͦt̶̻̞̥̥͎ͧͮͧ̆͊ē̜͇̫͍̘̭̗͌ͮ̑̇͛̊a͇̖̺͗̾̿ͦ͐̃͝p̥̤̆õ̖̮̠̼̖̯̉͑̄ͪ͘t͚̺ͭ̈́͝ͅ,͖̠̲̱͖̬͎̈̈́̓̓̈́̚ ͇͎͕̜̟̩͚͗̃sͧh̍̑ͫ̒͒͑ͦ͏̗̝̖̼̼̜ò̗̩̝̬̗̯r̜̙ͣ͌̔̒̽̊ͥt̜͕̞̙͙̝̄̓̅ͥ͆́ ̺̎̋̈́̑̋a͈̍ͪ̆͟n̰͊̍̚d̵͈ͭͩ̄͋̿ ̰̍s̰͕̯̠̏ͦ̏̅̐̎̀t̸̘̪̩̰̼ͦ̉̌̒ͪ̄̓o̷̞̜͕̹̰̪̮ͭ̈́̔u̠̰̦͕͓t̴̫̰̺̫͓ͩͭ̉͑̓͌,̹̤ͥ͆̑͢ ̟̞̞̖͖͍̑͐͒ͩͥ͢h̦͕̱̹̜̳͍͗̂ͧ͂͢e̩̫̮͛ͬͭ͠ŗ̂͋è̞̲͈̦ͅ ̓̋i̖̞̼̘̫͚̯ͬ͆͛ͪͤ̊ͫs̳̯̪͙̫͖̏͗ ̧̼̮m̮̳̝̫͍͔̏ͯͪ̎́y̬̎ͯ͂͋̎ ̮̖̠̮̳͛ͨ͠ĥ̯̥ͯ̈́̋ͤ͡a̜͎̅̈n̴̟̠̹̚d̸̞͙͕̭̥̰l̬̱͖̪̪͙ͦ̓ͯ̀̅̂̋eͬ̔̐͐ ̮̻̟͙̀ͧ̄ͭḁ̣n̜̺̥̳̓͛͊̽̽ͭ̆ḏ̟͎̣̋ͦ̿̒͆ ̘ͤh͉̣̥ͭ͑̾̽̎ͭe͇̫͒͛͑̒́͋ͥ́ȑ͈͓̼͈̎ͅeͫͦ̾ ̠͖̳̬̜ͫ͌̿ͥḭ̻̏ͫ̓̓̾s̮͕͈̩̜͉̳̅̄̚͟ ̛̅̅̍̔ḿ̥̉ͣ̔̉̔y̶͓̓ͮͫ ̦̗̰̄͑̋ͯ̒̾̚s̰̭͎͈̪p͎̙̦̗͈͖͘o͕̫̹̳̯ͩ̓ͫͫ͌u̠͍̠̭t͕͈͉͊̇͟-̒ͪ̑̉-̹̖ͧ”
A crashing noise was heard as Shadow the Hedgehog suddenly fell through the roof.
A vaguely familiar black and red alicorn fell with him, having been weighed down by an iron ball around his leg. After all, what's an edgy character without an edgy backstory?
The hEDGEhog looked up and gazed at his surroundings, then he looked at the alicorn.
“UNHAND ME YOU FIEND,” the black and red alicorn screeched at the iron ball.
The iron ball did not respond, because it was an iron ball. However the chain simply spoke in an echoing, godly voice. "I don't have hands," it said. “I have no mouth and I must scream.”
The alicorn reeeee’d a demonic reeeee.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, YOU IMBECILE? I AM MAGNIFICUS MAGIC MAGNUS THE FOURTEENTH, AND YOU SHALL TREMBLE BEFORE ME!!!!!"
“Guys, stfu, I’m trying to sleep,” Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way said as she sat up a few feet away. Ebony had been Rule 85’d (“If it exists, there is pony of it.”) into, surprisingly, a pure white alicorn, much to the pain of the previous alicorn.
"CURSE YOUR FILTHY LIGHT, GRAAAAAAAAaaaa-" he screamed, before promptly exploding into a cloud of blood because all edgy characters must have a dramatic exit.
“What a fucking poser prep,” Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way responded, before licking a splotch of blood off of her ironically pure white cheek. “At least his blood tastes goff [sic].”
“Did someone mention my name?” asked a Rule 85’d version of circa 2021 Detroit Lions quarterback Jared Goff (his coat was blue, which was very fortunate, considering that he also used to play for Cal and the Rams).
“NO,” Shadow the Hedgehog, the iron ball’s chain, and Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way all answered simultaneously.
“Oh…” the 85’d Goff sighed, before trotting off, having had as little of an effect on this story’s proceedings as he’d had on the Patriots defense in Super Bowl LIII.
“Mmmmm… cherry-flavored,” Pinkie Pie said, sampling the red-and-black alicorn’s blood as she popped into existence. "Could use a little more frosting, though."
Taking a tube of frosting out, she decorated the floor with it. When she was done, she bit a huge chunk of it. "Perfect!" She disappeared, plopping a very confused Fluttershy down in her place. “Your turn!”
Shadow the Hedgehog was immediately football-tackled by a large amount of Fluttershy fans who made sure the hedgehog knew not to mess with their favorite. (Too bad the 85’d Goff wasn’t here to see it.)
"yay," Fluttershy said in lowercase, causing her fans to all spontaneously die of diabetes for some reason. Probably due to the frosting-covered floor. Shadow was trapped beneath them. The nonexistent screen panned out to reveal they were all standing in a Gingerbread house.
Iron Will was running one of his special classes dedicated to repeatedly punching Santa Claus in the face for not delivering what he wanted for Christmas. He didn’t even know what Christmas was; he just felt the urge to punch someone.
Several ponies followed suit with their own Santi. A single windigo watched, terrified for its life. This will be important later.
“HEEEERE’S WILLY!”
Nightmare Moon herself screamed like a colt and fainted, promptly using Daybreaker as a fainting couch. Turns out Iron Will was a Celestia fan and he did not approve of such an action.
“Oh noooooo, Iron Will angy!” a small voice squeaked from somewhere in the ceiling.
“Who the fudge said that?”
It waaaas…
“I’m a ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssnek!” A generic snake dropped from the ceiling. “Are you a ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssnek too?”
It wasn’t particularly bright. It could generate more s’s than brain cells.
“Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssnekkkkk!” the snake cheered, slithering back up to the ceiling.
“Man, that was one dumb snek,” Iron Will commented, before turning to Nightmare Moon. Evidently, the snake’s appearance hadn’t entirely distracted him from his disapproval of her sitting on Daybreaker. “Now, where were we…?”
Realizing she was about to get the Santa treatment, Nightmare Moon gulped. The other ponies continued to punch their own Santi. The windigo continued to fear for its life, the thought of just up and leaving never crossing its petrified mind.
We now return to our shipfic of Rainbow Dash X Sentient Tissue Box.
Or do we?
“What the fuck is going on?” shouted Random Writer #280 who had just entered the doc. They looked between all of the scenesand promptly exploded (albeit without a cloud of blood) from whatever this story has diverged into.Andthat’sputtingit lightly.
Okay, now back to our shipfic of Rainbow Dash X Sentient Tissue Box.
“Tissue Box-Chan, will you marry me? That way, nopony could stop us having hot kinky *insert generic euphemism for doing the naughties because dangit we keepin’ this squeaky-clean* everyday!”
The tissue box didn’t respond, since SOMEPONY had consumed all the tissues it ONCE contained and didn’t replace any of its fucking contents again like I TOLD you the last time you did this ~~shit~~poopy poopy doo-doo. FUCK ME and my life. Now I have to go out again because half THE WORLD’s supply of toilet paper WAS simply not enough for you. I’m GONNA need to ROLL up to the convenience store in socks and sandals because your *this removed word was requested to be taken down by the legal owners of the letters “s”, “h”, “i”, and “t” in that particular order* self delegated supply gathering to ME.
“NOOOOOOOO!” Rainbow cried in agony, blowing her muzzle as the shipfic turned into a sadfic before her very eyes. “My love is dead!”
She was never the sharpest tool in the shed.
Just then, Spike walked in, licking the last bits of the Diamond Dog s’mores off of his claws. Upon seeing Rainbow sobbing over the “corpse” of the Sentient Tissue Box, he immediately did a complete 180 and walked out the way he came. He’d let somepony else deal with whatever that was, thank you very much.
Meanwhile (we’ve used that word a lot, haven’t we?), something plot relevant was finally happening in the changeling hive. They’d just learned of the ship disaster from earlier in this story. As they spoke, their former queen’s drowned corpse was probably being poked at by Spongebob and the rest of his undersea friends.
They reacted accordingly.
“Oh yeah, let’s party!”
They partied for the next four paragraphs. Suddenly, Generic Fanfic Changeling #715 came out of the shadows and wailed, “I don’t wanna steal love and be evil! I wanna live in Ponyville so I can make friends and open a Starbucks!”
“Been there, done that!” said a partying Thorax, blissfully unaware of the fact that Shining Armor and Cadance might’ve also died in the boat wreck (it was left kinda ambiguous, to be honest). “And I already opened a friggin’ Starbucks!”
“Oh…” Generic Fanfic Changeling #715 said sadly. “...Can I at least work there?”
“Eh, okay.”
“Yay!” And with that, they continued to celebrate the death of Chrysalis with despacito playing in the background.
Unbeknownst to them (but knownst to us), Discord and Pinkie were watching the celebration from afar.
“Well, their reaction isn’t going to be controversial in the slightest,” Discord quipped sarcastically.
“You’re one to talk about controversy,” Pinkie replied. “Remember Grogar?”
“Oh, now you’ve done it,” Discord groaned. “You’re going to turn the comments into another big finale argument.”
“Yeeeah, probably,” Pinkie acquiesced, sighing through a slight smile. “Want some frosting?”
“...Sure, why not?”
Pinkie pulled two tubes of frosting out of hammerspace, then passed one of them to Discord. They clinked the tubes together like they were cans of beer, then chugged them as such.
Elsewhere, Shining Armor and Cadance clung to a scrap of wreckage bobbing in the waves amongst other smaller scraps of wreckage. Melodramatic music blared in the background.
“You have to let go of me!” Shining begged. “This driftwood isn’t big enough to hold both of us!”
“I’ll never let go!” Cadance pleaded in reply.
“...Wait, what are we doing?” Shining asked, bringing the melodramatic music to an abrupt halt. “We have magic.”
“Oh, right!” With that, the Royal Couple levitated all of the wreckage into a makeshift raft big enough for both of them.
“Well, this should hold us over until rescue arrives,” Shining mused.
So I guess they got to live after all. Good for them! (And Thorax, I guess.)
Chrysalis was still dead, though, but who gives a crap? Spongebob does, apparently. As do the changelings, it appears, as they seem to have given enough of a crap to party 16 paragraphs past their preset party deadline, which they apparently had.
While the narration in the above paragraph was trying to figure out “who gave a crap”, Derpy flew down to Shining and Cadance’s makeshift raft, making her first appearance in this chapter since its ninth paragraph. The mailmare gave the couple a letter, saluted, then flew off as quickly and confusingly as she’d flown in.
Shining opened the letter and read it. His face soon fell. “Um, Cadance?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Remember when you said ‘I’ll never let go’?”
“Yeah?”
“Well… James Cameron’s suing us for that.”
“...Shit,” was all Cadance could say. She paused, staring directly at the nonexistent camera. “Erm… sht.”
Twilight was sick and tired of being so out-of-focus in this chapter for so long. Naturally, the only solution to this was to force her way back into the plot. Yet, despite all her power, she could not find one.
Well, there was still a word quota to fill… Fortunately, that was Twilight’s specialty! Observe:
“Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!” sounded the oven timer.“Ah, the pineapple rings, pineapple fries, pineapple upside-down cake, pineapple cobbler, pineapple cookies, pineapple Hearth’s Warming cookies, candied pineapples, pineapple burgers, pineapple pizza, pickled pineapples, pineappled pickles, and pineappled pineapples are finally ready!” exclaimed Twilight Sparkle.
“Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep—”
Applejack barged into the room suddenly. “Who da eff is doin’ all that beepin’?”
“ME,” the oven timer boomed in a godlike voice. “I WILL *BEEP* YOU UP!”
Without any warning whatsoever, the oven suddenly morphed into a Transformers OC. Twilight screamed as all her delicious pineapple meals were obliterated inside the ensuing transformation. “OVER 9000 PRECIOUS PINEAPPLES WASTED!” she wailed.
“‘9000’?” Applejack questioned. “Ain’t no way that’s right!”“You can never have too many pineapples!“ is what Twilight would have said, if she were not too busy staring at the remains.
“I’ll revive you, my loves!” she then said as she charged her horn.
“No! Don’t do it, Twilight!” cried Applejack. “You’ll die of bromelain!”Her cries fell upon deaf ears. Or maybe Twilight just didn’t care. I don’t know, ask someone else.
“Honestly, I don’t know either,” said someone else.
*INTENSE EXPLOSION SOUND*
An intense explosion sound could be heard in the background, accompanied by incessant beeping, as Luna and Celestia walked down the street. After Iron Will had punched Nightmare Moon out of the former, the ponies in his Santa-punching program had decided to follow his lead… by punching Daybreaker out of the latter. Which, of course, led to him punching them. It was all quite a mess, really.
“That was quite a mess, wasn’t it?” Celestia asked, brazenly ripping off my line.
“You’re telling me! I’m just amazed I didn’t get punched in the crossfire,” said the windigo who’d witnessed the whole thing. “Oh, um… we’re cool, right? N-Not in the ‘I’m going to freeze you all’ way, I mean. The, uh, ‘we don’t hate each other’ way.”
“I don’t see why not,” Luna replied, much to the windigo’s relief. “So, what do you intend to do now?”
“I’m not sure. I mean, I don’t want to be evil and feed off of hatred anymore. I think I’ll just move to Ponyville and try making some friends. Maybe open a Tim Hortons while I’m at it.”
“HEY, THAT WAS MY IDEA!” shouted Generic Fanfic Changeling #715 from earlier.
“If I recall correctly,” Discord interjected as he appeared next to Generic Fanfic Changeling #715, “you wanted to open a Toys ‘R’ Us, not a Tim Hortons. Totally ~~original fanfic~~ ~~idea~~ different thing.”
“No, it was a Starbucks!” Generic Fanfic Changeling #715 objected.
“That’s not how I remember it,” Discord retorted with a knowing wink.
“Wait,” the windigo cut in, pointing an ethereal hoof at Discord, “how’d you do that thing with your voice earlier? The ‘totally original, totally different...’ Honestly, I can’t even put it into words.”
“~~This~~ That?”
“Yeah, that!”“Simple!” Discord levitated towards the windigo. “Falcon…”
“Uh… what—”
“...PUNCH!” And he punched him into orbit.“~~AHHHHHHHHHHH-~~” the windigo screamed as he flew away.
Celestia and Luna were aghast. “Discord!” they scolded in unison.
“…What?” Discord shrugged. “He’s a running gag now! He’ll be back… eventually.”
“Help!” said one of the authors on TheMajorTechie’s Google Doc. “The doc’s only letting me suggest changes! How do I get it back to normal?”
“You’re in Suggestion Mode,” offered another. “Click the tab that says ‘Suggesting’ in the upper right corner. You’ll see some options that should help you fix it.”
The solution worked. “Thank you!”
Suddenly, the author who offered the solution got an idea. “There has to be a way to integrate this into the story somehow.”
“You just did,” said Minty, that punk from G3.
“I never watched G3. I have no idea who you are or why you’re a punk.”
“Don’t forget to add your name to the credits, by the way!” the first writer said.
“Already did. I made minor contributions here and there,” said the second.
“I’ve been writing too. I’ve actually been waiting here aaaaaallll day,” said a third.
A new writer opened the document, didn’t bother to read the 12 pages that were written before, wrote "xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx was here", and left, possibly never to be seen again.
“…Why do they keep doing that?” the third writer asked no one in particular.The remaining writers stared blankly.
As the writers squabbled over the credits and Suggestion Mode, Grogar — the real Grogar, not Discord-pretending-to-be-Grogar — was examining some of the many goats Shaggy Rogers had summoned earlier.
“Dammit, now they’re really going to go at it in the comments,” Discord grumbled as he poked his head into the nonexistent screen.
“Want to drown our sorrows in frosting again?” Pinkie offered, following Discord’s lead.
“I’ve had quite enough of that, thank you very much,” the draconequus responded. He didn’t feel like repeating that particular joke.
Grogar obviously wasn’t paying any attention to those two lovebirds in the background. (Pinkcord is love, Pinkcord is life.) Suddenly, Shaggy appeared on screen Enderman-style, staring intensely at Grogar. He did not look happy that Grogar was getting his goats.
Grogar gulped. But that’s a story for another time.
Although it was written that xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx was never to be seen again, he returned.
"Have you heard about Raid Shadow Legends? It's a free mobile online RPG from 2019. Collect over 100 Champions. Use the code in the description to get 50K silver for free!" wrote xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx.
“NO,” said every author and every character (even Random Background Pony #912, who had been yeeted from existence in the second paragraph) at once. “GO AWAY.”
"You underestimate my POWER!" xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx said. He tried to attack Random Background Pony #912, only for both of them to get yeeted into the horizon to who-knows-where.
Meanwhile, in China, a sack of rice fell to the ground. This will have no consequences to the story.
An earthquake on the opposite side of the planet proceeded to wreak havoc. This was unrelated to the sack of rice.
John Cena suddenly punched a hole in the nonexistent screen. “Are you sure about that?” he asked.
"Yes," someone replied.
Sometime after finishing her fight with the Transformers OC, Twilight heard a rumor that there was a giant pineapple under the sea.
“SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!” exclaimed a group of offscreen children.
She then bought a WW1 German military U-boat to search for the giant pineapple. Along the way, she passed by Shining Armor and Cadance, who were still sitting on their makeshift raft awaiting rescue (and that lawsuit from James Cameron).
Right in time, too, because a giant enemy crab was approaching.
“Catch!” Shining Armor yelled at his sister. He wound up, chucking Cadance at Twilight’s WW1 German military U-boat,
but Twilight was unable to catch her because she was too concentrated on eating pineapples.
The giant enemy crab grabbed Shining Armor in a claw, held him up, and whispered the following four words:
“Oh yeah, Mr. Krabs.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—” Shining Armor screamed at the very top of his lungs.
Before Cadance fell into the water, she remembered that she was born a pegasus, and therefore had wings. She flew above the giant enemy crab, then attacked it with a spell from Harry Potter.
“Money! Money! Money!” the crab chanted, crushing Shining Armor more and more all the while. Someone screamed as the spell hit; to this day, we don’t know if it was the crab or Shining Armor, because the spell hit them both.
“MOOOOOOOOORE!” the giant enemy crab bellowed out as he finally plunged into the sea, dropping Shining Armor into Cadance’s forelegs before he sank. The couple tearfully embraced, their harrowing ordeal finally over…
…only for a new ordeal to then begin. Derpy returned, another letter in hoof. Cadance grabbed the letter in her magic, levitated it in front of her, and read it.
“J.K. Rowling’s suing us, too,” she said bluntly.
“...Shit,” was all Shining could say. He flipped a seagull at the nonexistent camera. It landed beautifully.
After having spent half his day poking a dead bug-horse with Patrick and Sandy, Spongebob returned home, only to discover that his pineapple house was being eaten by a lavender purple lilac violet mauve light indigo magenta orange (or just ‘purple’) horse. How was she even breathing underwater? But that wasn’t all; he also discovered that his boss had somehow entered Godzilla mode and attacked an innocent horse couple.
Needless to say, this was not the best day ever.
Meanwhile, in Equestria, Chinese ponies were moving to Ponyville, because that sack of rice earlier in the story caused an economic crash in China.
"This is not going as I have foreseen," the someone from before said.
The one who wrote the preceding sentences didn’t know how to continue, so he just wrote “There was a giant explosion” and hoped that it would be enough to end this part of the "story".
Because no one else was around at the time, xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx returned — or, at least, a half of him did, because Random Background Pony #912 had since cut him in half.
"I will get my revenge,” he vowed. “I will not sleep until Random Background Pony #912 is dead!"
Then he realized the other authors would probably just revive him anyway. He couldn’t kill him… ‘At least,’ he thought to himself, ‘not without coming up with something clever.’
On that note, he began devising a dastardly plan to rid the world of Random Background Pony #912 once and for all. Unfortunately, Random Background Pony #912’s next scene wasn’t written yet. He had no idea where his target was. They’d been yeeted to “who-knows-where”, after all.
"That pony will kill me with sleep deficiency! I have to come up with something..."
He also hoped that other authors would continue the story, because, quite frankly, he was running out of ideas.
Nevertheless, he started planning his next moves, waiting patiently for the next author to finish their work. Then, it would be his time to strike…
From a certain point of view, the world was technically already rid of Random Background Pony #912. He’d been yeeted into space alongside xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx, but, following an epic battle that was far too awe-inspiring for words, the two had become separated. Now, Random Background Pony #912 was alone, adrift in the cold, dark vacuum of space.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” he said to himself (ignoring the distinct lack of oxygen in space in the process), “but I think I preferred being yee- no, thrown into nonexistence.” By this point, he’d developed a serious aversion to the dreaded y-word.
“That’s a rather dark thought, don’t you think?”
Random Background Pony #912 jolted in surprise. “Huh? Who was that?”
“Me!” The nonexistent screen panned to the right, revealing a rather peculiar sight: a windigo in space.
“Who are you?” the background pony asked.
“A windigo,” the windigo answered, before floating over to his sole companion in the vast emptiness. “We met when everyone told that weird author guy to go away, remember?”
“...Vaguely. But what are you doing up here?”
“Oh, I’ve been here for a while, actually. Discord punched me up here a while back.”
“That sounds a bit cold.”
“Is that a windigo pun?”
“No.”
“Oh, okay then. Well, on the bright side, I know how to do ~~this~~ that now!” the windigo demonstrated. “Pretty cool, huh?”
“Hey, how come you get to use windigo puns?”
“Because I’m ‘the windigo’, duh.”
“Huh.”
Silence fell for a short while; or, at least, it would’ve, but there wasn’t a lot of gravity out in deep space.
Eventually, Random Background Pony #912 broke the unfalling silence. “Um, just curious, do you have, like, an actual name or anything?”
“Not really,” the windigo admitted, shrugging. “Everypony’s just been calling me ‘the windigo’.”
“Seems a bit odd, don’t you think?”
“Why?”
“It’s just… even I’m technically called Random Background Pony #912. I feel like you at least deserve something. Like, I don’t know, Windigo #XXX, maybe?”
“Hmm…” Windigo #XXX tapped the underside of their snout, pondering the suggestion. “...Nah, doesn’t work for me. If I’m going to have a name, I’d rather have a name-name, y’know what I mean?”
“Did you have anything in mind?”
“Well, I’ve always liked ‘Kevin’—”
“Nope, can’t use that one,” Random Background Pony #912 interrupted. “There’s already a changeling with that name. Pretty famous one at that.”
“Really? Those guys again? Fine…” The nameless windigo thought a little harder. “In that case, how about… ‘~~Kevin~~ James’?”
“W-What!?” the background pony sputtered. “NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are not making your name a reference to Kevin fucking James!”
“Well, too bad!” James countered. “It’s my name, and I’m sticking with it!”
“OH, FOR FU—”
Alas, Random Background Pony #912’s curse was cut off by the nonexistent screen cutting to black. Granted, the interruption wasn’t all that special, given that he had already dropped an uncensored f-bomb a mere two paragraphs prior, but let’s not get tangled up in semantics.
The nonexistent black screen segued to a new scene. Back on the ground, xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx had just realized #912’s unwritten scene was finally finished. While he’d waited, he’d inadvertently turned his body into 80% coffee.
But now, it would all be worth it. He’d built a highly advanced weapon that could kill Random Background Pony #912,™ with no way of ever bringing him back, but he only had one try. If he was going to snipe the background pony from such a faraway distance, his shot would have to be absolutely perfect.
He took aim, fired… and missed completely. He didn’t even hit James, for that matter.
"Noooooooo!" he screamed, his plans foiled once again.
After she and Shining returned to shore, Cadence checked her Emails. There, she discovered a message saying that, if she didn’t pay the messenger 9001£ of Roblox™ gift cards. she would get sued again. Getting sued is, of course, a very serious matter, so she bought 9001£ worth of Roblox™ gift cards… only to realize that the Email’s sender didn't include where she was supposed to send them.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—”
//I switched to my iPad and I still can’t find
the credits comment. Help
//hasn't he added you? I asked him and he added me.
//What’s your fimfic name?
//lomplays
//Should we leave this all in?
//idc it’s 7:11 on a school day and I have to be there @ 8
//It's 1:13 in Germany right now and we have free.
//Let's keep this in
//I’m eating a krispy kreme I got from samyan mitrtown do you think I look like I give a fuck
//No but we can increase the randomness
//ah sorry
//No problem
//randomness go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
//I think we should give the readers a break or else they'll turn into zombies from brain damage
A microwave appears, containing a letter from Celestia:
Sanity Break.
-Celestia
Shortly thereafter, a second letter appeared:
No.
-Discord
Add Thyme!
This story is sponsored by Nord VPN!
Use the code dQw4w9WgXcQ to get 0% off.
“Where was the main ‘story’ again?" no one asked.
“Check the bottom drawer. It should still be in there.”
It was then given, by the word of the local demisemihemidemisemigoddess(?) Princess Celestia the two-hundred and fifty-sixth (not the one you’re thinking of), that the story would henceforth be focused on…
Princes Celestia and Second (no relation) gracefully stared out the window, where they spied their personal student, Twilight Sprinkle (again, no relation), making the most beautiful pineapple donuts known to ponykind.
“Broth'r, why doth thy subjects shun us so? Even our very name is reduced to thy second! How the absolute fuck is this bullshit even possible‽”, Prince Second brought up. Somewhere, the copyright holder of the letters s, h, i, and t was slapped across the face.
Celestia shouted back “No, brother, you don’t understand! That kind of language isn’t tolerated in today’s society! I’ve spent half a century trying to purge speciesism from our lands, and after a thousand years, you waltz into court, say ‘and it was the funniest sht I’ve ever seen’ and then NOT FUCKING ELABORATE just like my friend who said it in THE SCHOOL’S OFFICIAL DISCORD then left! You can’t just use the local language of a race that went EXTINCT 700 years ago!”, fighting back tears all the while.
Second cleared his throat. “Pardon us for using such archaic language. We do believe we are not ‘in with the kids’ enough, as some may say.”
Prince Celestia bristled with the cringe.
"You are doomed, Random Background Pony #912!" xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx said, redirecting Celestia’s would-be change in direction. "I have put the remains of the Sentient Tissue Box's conscience into this war machine and brainwashed it to kill you! Permanently!”
“You monster!” Rainbow cried out as the plot (if you even wanna call it that) popped her back into existence.
“Huh,” Spike added, “I guess somepony dealt with ‘whatever that was’ after all.”
“Now,” the crazed author continued, “it will hunt you down like the Terminator from the first Terminator movie! I can finally sleep again!"
With that, the author behind the xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx subplot went to sleep, since it was 2:22 am in his local time.
…You remember the bulldozer named “Water Bottle” that was in the last chapter, right? Well, Celestia (the non-gender-swapped one) detected a disturbance in the Force, so she ripped apart space-time to fucking flatten Rainbow again. After that, she teleported Water Bottle into space, leaving it to the mercy of the shot fired by xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx about six vignettes ago, then jumped back into the portal that transported her here.
“Holy shit!” Twilight exclaimed, having long since finished eating Spongebob’s pineapple. “Rainbow Dash is fucking dead!”
Somewhere out there, the copyright holder for the word "shit" was thrown overboard into a giant toilet. While tied to a toilet.
“I’m okay!” the still-flattened Rainbow Dash insisted.
“I set the space-time around her to Season One physics,” one of the merely half-crazed authors explained. “I don’t know if we’re allowed to go full-on Justice League: Apokolips War with this shit.”
“I think we already have,” Pancake Dash said.
Long ago, a civilization of sentient pineapples started to form. They created buildings, developed languages and cultures, and studied various sciences and philosophies.
Multiple pineapple kingdoms and empires rose and fell. They constantly developed deadlier and deadlier weapons to gain more and more power, all to unite all pineapples under one ruler. For they feared that, one day… she would come.
…No, we’re not talking about Michael Myers, ya doof. For one thing, he’s a ‘he’, not a ‘she’, and this part ain’t a Rule 63 (“Hey, that kinda rhymes!”).
One day, Pingas Pan the Great united all the pineapples and reformed the armies to a single Pineapple Grand Army to defend against the purple horror. He made alliances with other powerful individuals and interplanetary nations who were also enemies of the purple horror.
But after years of preparation, he died. His sons split the land, the alliances broke, and all his work was ruined. So, all in all, this and the previous paragraph were just one big non sequitur. Granted, you could probably say the same thing about this story as a whole, so oh well.
Point being, those sentient pineapples were really fucking scared of Twilight.
And therein lay the next step of xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx’s plan.While he may have missed Random Background Pony #912 with his highly advanced weapon that could kill Random Background Pony #912,™ he didn’t miss Water Bottle. Which was his plan the whole time.Due to the highly advanced advancedness of his highly advanced weapon that could kill Random Background Pony #912,™ the results of the successful shot had been sent back to the highly advanced weapon that could kill Random Background Pony #912,™ which he intended to gloat over some time later. As his shot was true. Like it always is.Upon xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx’s inspection of the results, however, he noticed that space-time had been frickin’ ripped apart by none other than Princess Celestia. Probably so she could witness what a great shot he was first-hand.These powers, xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx knew, would come in handy.
—
While Twilight was busy going to the sentient pineapples xXOver9000DoubleRainbowdash42069-11Xx created, just as he planned (and rest assured, he didn't get the idea from another smart author it was all his plan all along, trust me I lied since my introduction)
Now he could steal Celestia's space-time teleportation powers, while Twilight was distracted.
"After I get her powers, I can finally kill Random Background Pony #912 before he cut me in half!"
He pointed at Celestia and activated the mishmash of stolen spaceship parts and lasagna rolls.
Nothing happened.
"I should have tested the device before using it!" he said, angry.
"Now the opportunity is gone," his other half said to himself.
//Maybe it could do something where it only steals the space half of her powers, so he summons all the pineapple people to wage an all-out war against Twilight and her friends.
// you have really good ideas!
// wait, why should he do that? and twilight is already on the way to the pineapples, and conflict will surely happen anyways.
//It sends Twilight away, and during the fight he can try to kill Background in the confusion.
//Honestly, I didn’t really get that far.
//Or we could rewrite it so he sends all the pineapple people right away, instead of Twilight leaving to go find them.
//no If we send the pineapple people to twilight she can use her friendship powers and dispatch them quickly.
she only is occupied when traveling.
we can leave these comments in maybe the others get ideas on how to proceed.
//depends on how much of a deus ex machina we want to make her friendship powers
//I’m just kinda winging it, TBH.
// I don't want my character to be too powerful, he always lost and will likely continue doing so.
//I knew that. I just kinda thought we were starting to set things up for some big final showdown.
// I don't know if we already have enough text for that. Thanks for correcting enough, I still have problems with that.
//I’m not sure. We’re already past the length of the original chapter, and the “YOU ARE DOOMED” bit at the start of the last vignette gave me the impression we were leaning towards building up to some kind of climax.
//yeah no kidding
// I actually just wanted to go to sleep. I failed but that doesn't matter now.
//you can go to sleep. Let’s let the other writers think about it, and we’ll come back and see where we’ll take this thing next.
//sounds like a good idea.
//good night, and I’ll see you then!//Great job, guys!
// good night, but it has already gotten to good morning D:
//ooh, sorry to hear that
// No problem, I slept until 12am yesterday.
// wiedersehn!
//see you all later!//👋
//After the Thai author finished their lunch, they came back and was met with this shit. They were so fucking confused about what the hell was going on, they just started rewriting the last paragraph.
//Alas, tragedy struck when their dumb ass forgot they were still in school at the time of writing, so they couldn’t come back and explain their half-finished stuff to the other authors.
//Sike they just wrote this then left lol//I believe that anything with “//” at the start is simply a form of communication between writers. I imagine it would get deleted as per the site’s rules, so simply ignore it, yes?
//nah i’m leaving it in lmao yall get no privacy in this here public gdoc
Author's Note
And then there was another! Here's all the names folks ~~sacrificed~~ wrote in the comments (or sent me a message) for credit!
- TheMajorTechie
- Charson
- BezierBallad
- BrushyIsAll2
- Heroic412227
- VoidCaller
- CitreneSkys
- TheAncientPolitzanian
- All2101base
- lomplays
- Super Trampoline
And to you, the reader, who probably has negative brain cells now.
Thamk u 4 reeding.
