Chapters Performers and Portrayers
Dramatis Personae
"Alright, class!” Cheerilee tapped a hoof on her desk to bring the class to attention. Or at least more attention than they usually paid, which wasn't much. It didn't quite work. She sighed and waited for a lull in the end-of-day chatter. At the first sound of relative quietness, she cleared her throat. “Before you go home today, I have a special announcement to make!”
“A field trip!?” Apple Bloom's eyes lit up.
“To Canterlot!?” Sweetie Belle's expression was much the same as Apple Bloom's.
“To make up for th—” Scootaloo tried to round out the CMC trio, but her voice was drowned out by Twist's.
“To make up for the one that got methed up latht time?”
Scootaloo glared at her red-maned classmate. She was in the process of coming up with a witty retort when Diamond Tiara butted in.
“Oh, the trip that was messed up because somepony—” Her eyes darted in the Cutie Mark Crusaders' direction for a moment. “—freed that dragony thing by fighting in front of the statue?”
“For the zillionth time, that wasn't our fault!” Apple Bloom shouted. “I asked my sister and she asked Twilight and she said that Twilight said that Princess Celestia said that he got out because the spell that Princess Celestia used to seal him wore off because she didn't have the Elements of Harmony because my sister and her friends got the elements because they used them when Nightmare Moon kidnapped Princess Celestia.”
“I'm not sure what you just said...” It was Silver Spoon's turn to throw in her two bits. “...not like it matters. We all know whose fault it was.”
“But it wasn't our fault!” Scootaloo said, glaring at Silver Spoon with an intensity that came dangerously close to melting her head. “Besides, it doesn't matter that the last trip got ruined if we get to go again!”
“So are we going back to Canterlot, Ms. Cheerilee!?” Sweetie Belle asked, putting on her best set of puppy dog eyes.
“I'm afraid not,” the teacher answered. A sad sigh arose from the class as their collective morale deflated. “But I do have something fun for you to do!”
“What is it?” Apple Bloom asked, doing her best to sound interested. It wasn't a convincing performance.
Cheerilee clapped her hooves together. “You're all going to put on a play!”
“A play?” the class answered with one disappointed and slightly confused voice.
“Yes! What you experienced on our last trip to Canterlot was a major event in Equestria's history. Most ponies never get to experience something so important.”
“I thought that all of Equestria got turned all weird...” Scootaloo muttered.
“Some of you even personally know the ponies who defeated Discord!” Cheerilee continued. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both shot momentarily smug looks at the rest of the class. “Because all of you were so close to this historic event, I want you to recreate it on stage. And since you need to learn how to get along with each other—” She glared at Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom, who were preoccupied with an impromptu contest to see who could make the more grotesque face at the other. She cleared her throat, and the two fillies immediately turned to face her with wide, fake smiles on their faces. “—I want you to organize it yourselves.
"You'll do everything yourselves; the scripts, the costumes, the props, the whole thing! When you get everything together, you can perform your play for the town. I'm sure Twilight and her friends would just love to see what you can come up with. If you—” The sound of the school bell cut her off. “Oh, it seems like we're out of time for today. Tomorrow I'll let you have the class period to discuss what you want to do. Your homework is to do research for the play. Especially those of you who know the ponies who were actually a part of it. See you all tomorrow!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders all but sprinted out of the schoolhouse. As usual, they made a beeline towards their clubhouse. Unusually, they did so with the intent of getting right to work on their homework.
“Well, it’s no trip to Canterlot, but I guess a play is alright,” Apple Bloom said.
“Yeah, this is gonna be fun.” Scootaloo pounded the ground especially hard as she galloped along. “I’m totally going to be Rainbow Dash! It’ll be awesome! I’ll spend like half the play just kicking Discord’s behind!”
Sweetie Belle gave her friend a sideways glance. “I don’t think that’s quite how the story goes.”
“I don’t think Miss Cheerilee will mind if do a bit— what’s that called again?”
“Artistic license,” Apple Bloom offered.
“Right, that! It’s not like we’d be able to do that whole rainbow beam thing on stage anyway.”
Sweetie Belle nodded in assent. “Yeah, we’re going to have to change a few things.”
“Okay, let's get started!” Diamond Tiara pounded her hoof on her desk to get the attention of her classmates, who sat around her in a ring of desks. “First, we should decide which pony is going to play which part. I put a list together of who would be best in each role.”
She shoved the stack of papers to Silver Spoon, who began to distribute them as Diamond Tiara began to read from it.
“The part of Princess Celestia will be played by me, obviously . The part of Twilight Sparkle will be played by—”
“Wait a minute, how come you get to be the Princess?” Apple Bloom interrupted.
“Oh come on, it's obvious, isn't it?” Diamond Tiara stood on her chair and nodded her head at her flank. “Diamond Tiara . You know, the fancy thing that the Princess wears? Why wouldn't I be the princess?”
“Why am I playing a rock!?” Scootaloo tossed the paper off of her desk with extreme prejudice. “This is dumb. We should agree on who plays who together.”
“Yeah, why couldn't I play the princess?” Sweetie Belle asked. “I look more like her than you do! We have the almost the same coat color, and I'm a unicorn.” She grinned smugly and tapped her horn.
“Well you don't get to decide which pony plays who, either!” Silver Spoon stomped her hooves on her desk. "If you pick everything you'd just make Diamond Tiara play like, Discord's rump or something! That's not fair!"
“Fine!” Scootaloo answered with her own even louder hoof-stomping, “We'll just throw everypony's name in a basket and pick which pony gets to play Celestia that way!”
“Fine!” Diamond Tiara snatched up the wastebasket and dumped out the contents (mostly crumpled papers and a few candy wrappers) next to her desk. “Toss in the names.”
“With pleasure!” Apple Bloom snorted. She scribbled the names onto a piece of loose leaf notebook paper, tore it apart, and dumped the pile of scraps into the wastebin. "There. Everypony's name is in there. Whoever gets drawn gets to be the princess."
“Great. Then let's do this!” Diamond Tiara thrust her head towards the basket to pluck out one of the papers but was stopped by a pair of hooves planting themselves on the top of her head. She looked up to see Scootaloo preventing her from drawing. “Exactly what do you think you're doing?”
“You can't draw yet!" the orange pegasus said. "We haven't mixed up the papers!”
“Okay then, we'll shake the basket.” Diamond Tiara spoke through gritted teeth as she gave the basket a solid shake. “There. I hope you're happy.” Once again she attempted to draw a slip of paper, and once again she found herself prevented, this time by Apple Bloom. “What is it this time?”
“How come you get to draw the name?” she asked. “Why can't I draw it?”
“Well, somepony has to do it,” Silver Spoon said in a huff, “Why does it matter if you get to draw it?”
“But the drawing has to be fair!” Sweetie Belle snatched the basket out of Diamond Tiara's hooves. “If you draw it, you'll try to draw yourself.”
“Well, you certainly can't draw then. You'll try to draw yourself too!” Diamond Tiara snatched the basket back, only for Scootaloo to grab it.
“We should draw names to see who gets to draw it!” she said. "It's the only way to be fair."
“But which pony gets to draw that name?” Apple Bloom rubbed her head with a hoof. “Maybe we should get Ms. Cheerilee to do it.”
“We'll just get somepony who doesn't want to play Princess Celestia to draw it!” Silver Spoon grumbled. "If you guys keep this up we're never going to draw anything."
“Like who?” Scootaloo dropped the basket onto her desk with a clank.
“Uh...” Diamond Tiara surveyed the classroom for a pony that wouldn't drag out the argument any longer. “Dinky, you don't care who gets to be the Princess, do you?”
“Huh?” The pale purple unicorn raised her head, surprised to be brought into the conversation. “No, not really. I'd rather be a regular pony.”
“Well, draw a name out of here so we can see who plays the Princess.” Diamond Tiara kicked the basket in Dinky's direction.
“Okay!” Dinky bounced out of her seat and shoved her whole head into the basket, rustling around with gusto. “Got one!” Her voice was muffled both by the wastebasket and by the paper in her mouth. As she lifted her head, the basket came with it. Dinky moved her head as if she could somehow see through the basket, looking at her classmates. “It's stuck.”
“Oh, for the love of Luna...” There was a thud as Diamond Tiara dropped her head to her desk. “Can somepony get that thing off of her?”
“I got it!” Scootaloo grabbed the basket and gave a solid yank. Dinky stumbled forward, sending both ponies crashing into the desks.
“You can't do it like that! Somepony has to hold onto her!” Apple Bloom grabbed one of Dinky's hind legs. “Try it again.”
Scootaloo pulled on the basket. Dinky's entire body stretched out for a moment before the bucket came off with pop and a shower of papers. Scootaloo rolled backward and crashed into the desks that she had knocked over a moment earlier. Dinky just smiled, showing the scrap of paper clenched between her teeth.
“Well, who is it?” Sweetie Belle asked, trying to hide her excitement at a chance at being the Princess.
Dinky meandered slowly back to her desk, dropping the paper onto it. As she noted the name on the paper, she broke into a wide smile.
“Don't tell me you drew your own name!” Silver Spoon shoved her out of the way and glared at the paper. Her eyes nearly fell out of her head as she saw the name. “Y-you cannot be serious..."
“Will you just tell us who it ith?” Twist cocked her head over her classmates, more out of curiosity than any desire to see her name.
"Let me see it.” Apple Bloom shoved her way to the paper. “The part of Princess Celestia will be played by....” She looked at the paper. Her eye immediately began to twitch. “...Snails.”
Every jaw in the room dropped, the exceptions being Dinky, who was apparently unfazed, and Snips and Snails, who were busy not paying attention to the proceedings, preoccupied with seeing which one of them could fit more apple slices into their mouths. Then they realized that the rest of their class was staring at them in horror.
Snails swallowed his mouthful and lethargically looked around the room.
“Uh, guys? What's goin' on?”
Performers and Portrayers
Act 1: The Advent of Chaos
Act 1: The Advent of Chaos
Cheerilee poked her head through the curtain to where her class was putting the finishing touches on their costumes. The entire area was awash in the glue of last minute fixes and sounds of last nerves being frayed.
“Is everypony ready?”
Apple Bloom scurried up to her, breathing like she had just finished first in the Running of the Leaves.
“The Discord costume ain’t workin’!” she gasped. “His head won't stay on. Can we have like ten more minutes?”
“That should be fine. Everypony is still getting to their seats anyway.”
Apple Bloom sighed in relief and returned to her attempt at gluing Discord's head back on.
Cheerilee quickly surveyed the goings on. To her delight, for once there didn't seem to be any ponies suffering from nervous breakdowns. Well, not yet at least, and that was good enough for her. She ducked out of the curtain and turned to see Twilight coming down the aisle. She smiled widely as she greeted the unicorn. “I'm so glad you could make it!”
“Oh, I'm happy to be here.” Twilight answered. “When I heard that you were putting on a play I couldn't wait to see how it turned out. A few of your students even stopped by the library to ask me about what happened. I gave them a fully annotated bibliography of the history of Equestria to ensure complete historical accuracy. ”
“It's good to hear that you helped them out.” Cheerilee forced herself to chuckle. “I am quite proud of how much effort they've put into this, although I do believe they've taken a few liberties. You know, due to technical limitations. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.”
“I'm sure I will,” Twilight said with a smile. "I have complete confidence in your abilities as a teacher."
"That's... good to hear." Cheerilee said. "Well, we're about to get started, so why don't you take a seat? I saved you and your friends some places up at the front.” She pointed a hoof at a cordoned-off area directly in front of the stage. “Seeing as the play is based on you.”
“Thank you.” Twilight trotted past the teacher towards the reserved seats.
Cheerilee turned back to see a few more familiar faces heading her direction.
“Rarity! Applejack! You made it!”
“Course I made it!” Applejack answered. “No way was I gonna miss my little sister. She's been talkin' about this here play all week.”
“I know just how you feel.” Rarity said. “Sweetie Belle has talked about nothing but this production ever since it was announced. She's actually going to be portraying me, so of course I had to show up.”
"Yeah, Apple Bloom's been tellin' me all about that. I can't wait to see it." Applejack smirked.
"Well, if anypony is going to be playing me, of course it would have to be her." Rarity flicked her mane, which was even more delicately coiffed than usual. "Isn't that right, Cheerilee?"
"Actually, the class did all of the casting themselves," Cheerilee answered. "I must say I think they made some rather...intriguing decisions when they distributed the roles, but really, that's the charm of these student productions."
"Well, that would certainly explain why Apple Bloom didn't end up playin' me." Applejack tapped her chin with a hoof. "It's kinda weird though. Wonder who she ended up bein'."
“You'll just have to watch the show to find out!" Cheerilee waggled a hoof excitedly. "I'm sure you'll enjoy it. They're all very— EAAHH!” She scurried out of the way as Rainbow Dash dropped out of the air next to her. The blue pony threw a foreleg around Cheerilee's haunches.
“This play is going to be sweet!” She gave Cheerilee an emphatic shake. “I can't wait to see myself kick Discord's behind!”
"Uh, Rainbow Dash..." Applejack jabbed the pegasus in the side. "You didn't kick Discord's anythin'. Why would they put that in the play?"
"Because it would be awesome, duh." She rolled her eyes. "They're a bunch of kids. You let kids write a story, and they're just gonna make it cool. And how would they make the story any cooler by having us beat the hay out of Discord?"
"Ugh, so gauche." Rarity wrinkled her nose. "Where is your sense of subtlety?"
"You mean my sense of 'boringness'?" Rainbow Dash snorted. "Whatever. I'm gonna go make sure I get a good spot. Gotta have a good view."
A moment later she was gone, buzzing towards her seat.
"Well, I guess we should head over there too," Applejack said. "C'mon, Rarity."
"We'll see you after the show, Cheerilee," Rarity said. "Tell Sweetie Belle that I wish her the best of luck."
"Of course." Cheerilee nodded.
“Um... where should I sit?” said a quiet voice. Cheerilee turned around to see Fluttershy standing behind her.
“Right up there next to Twilight! Glad you could make it! Oh, wait...” She tapped on Fluttershy's flank.. “Do you know if Pinkie Pie was planning on coming? I would hate for her to miss this.”
“She's already over there,” Fluttershy said, pointing towards the saved section of seats, where Twilight was trying and failing to keep Pinkie Pie from bouncing around on the stage.
“Oh, so she is,” Cheerilee said, only briefly confused by the fact that Pinkie had gotten past her. "Would you be so kind as to let her know that I greatly appreciate all of the props that she loaned us?"
"Okay." Fluttershy nodded. "I'll be sure to tell her."
"And can you also tell her to please stay off the stage during the performance? We can't have her trying to join the show like she did last time."
Fluttershy nodded in understanding and ambled towards the stage.
"Enjoy the show!" Cheerilee called after her.
She surveyed the seating area. Nine out of ten seats were filled; staggeringly good attendance for such a production. Now was as good a time as any to get started. They were technically already about ten minutes late, but it was a student show after all; the audience expected it to begin a bit late and had arrived accordingly. If the play had started on time, half of them would have missed the opening. She scurried back to the edge of the stage and once again poked her head into the wings. “Is everypony ready?”
“Not really.” Scootaloo turned away from the costume she was battling for just long enough to answer. “We still can't get Discord's head to stay on! Truffle Shuffle is trying to tie it together, but—”
“Well, you're going to have to figure something out, because we're starting in five minutes! Good luck! Break a leg! Not literally, of course.”
“Why did you ask if we're ready if the answer doesn't matter?”
It was too late. Cheerilee was already on the stage, quieting down the crowd and giving the introduction. Scootaloo groaned. Ready or not, the show was going to go on.
“. . . So without further ado, I present 'The Tale of Discord's Downfall'!” Cheerilee bowed ducked off the stage. As soon as she was out of sight, Truffle Shuffle ambled out, a sign reading “Act 1” draped across his flank. He paused briefly at the middle of the stage before shuffling the rest of the way across.
There were a few minutes of silence, and then the curtain slowly began to open, revealing Diamond Tiara standing in the middle of the stage. A pair of crude cardboard wings were taped to her back and she wore a rather massive rainbow colored afro wig. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat in an unnecessarily loud manner before beginning to speak.
“My, what wondrous weather we are having today! In Ponyville, which is where I am!” She waved a hoof at the backdrop, a large bedsheet with a crude facsimile of the Town Hall drawn on it in what appeared to be crayon. Satisfied that the audience understood the setting, she struck a pose. “And it's all thanks to me! Because I'm awesome!” She threw her head back and looked straight at the ceiling. “Oh no, there seems to be a—”
She was cut off as what appeared to be a blue sheet wrapped around half a dozen pillows dropped from the rafters straight onto her head. A small voice, belonging to Truffle Shuffle, echoed from offstage.
“Sorry.”
The small squeak of a rusty pulley filled the auditorium as the loose length of rope trailing from the top of the bag began to draw taut, lifting it a few inches off the ground. Diamond Tiara shook her head and readjusted the wig, which had been knocked askew. The pink pony shot a dirty glare into the side of the stage, and then at several members of the audience who were chuckling audibly. She took a few steps back and thrust a hoof in the bag's direction.
“Oh no, there seems to be a cloud made of cotton candy! I sure hope it doesn't rain or anything...” There were a few seconds of thick silence before she loudly cleared her throat. There was a hurried rustling behind the curtain. Luckily enough for Diamond Tiara, she was still looking up when a bucketful of mud dropped from the ceiling directly above her. She scurried out of the way just quickly enough to avoid most of the splatter of wet dirt. She glared into the rafters before turning back to the audience.
“Oh no! It's raining chocolate milk! I have to do something about this!” She turned around and gave the “cloud” a hefty kick. It swung a few lazy feet before drifting back into position. “Oh no! I can't get rid of it on my own! I hope my—”
“I reckon I could help, Rainbow Dath!”
Twist galloped onto the stage. Most of her head was hidden by an enormous sombrero, and a large coil of rope was draped across her back.
“—friends arrive soon to help me.” Diamond Tiara mumbled the rest of her line. “Applejack, how are you going to help me with the cloud? You can't fly.”
“I'm going to latho the cloud, thugarcube!” Twist declared as she snatched the coil of rope off of her back. With a twist of the neck, she hurled the rope at the cloud. The rope missed the cloud by a wide margin and landed on the floor with a flop. “It didn't work! We need to get more help! Maybe Twilight could do thomething! Oh look, there she ith!”
Dinky Doo emerged from offstage, her entire body spattered unevenly with purple paint.
“I'm going to use my magic to make the cloud go away!” she declared as she thrust her horn in the direction of the cloud. “Hrrrrrggggg....” The tip of her horn glowed slightly as she strained to move the cloud. Twist watched her futile efforts patiently; Diamond Tiara, not so patiently. After a long minute of watching the unicorn fail to affect the prop in any way, Diamond Tiara cleared her throat as loudly as she could manage. Dinky ceased her attempts at magic and headbutted the cloud, which swung lazily back and forth. “My spell didn't work!”
“Oh no, whatever will we do?” Diamond Tiara said.
“Maybe if our other friendth get here, we can get rid of it. I hope they get here thoon!”
“HERE I AM!”
Scootaloo charged onto the stage, going about four times faster than necessary. There was a tremendous crash as she barreled into the other ponies on the stage, knocking them into the edge of the set. There was another tremendous crash as the sole piece of scenery, a crudely painted chunk of wood that was shaped sort of like the apple tree it was supposed to represent, fell on top of her. Cheerilee poked her head out of the side stage with a concerned look on her face. The concern turned to relief as Scootaloo extricated herself from underneath the fake tree and tried to nonchalantly shove it back into position.
“Oh, Fluttershy! I'm so glad you could make it!” Dinky continued on happily, totally ignoring the fact that part of the set had been destroyed and now lay in tatters. “Could you call your animal friends and have them eat the cloud!?”
“Okay!” Scootaloo gave the tree a final shove. It began to tip over in the other direction, falling against the backdrop, where it leaned awkwardly. She spun around and shouted at the top of her tiny lungs, “Hey Angel, get out here and eat this thing!”
An enormous stuffed rabbit, roughly Scootaloo's size, was tossed out from backstage, landing under the cloud with a dull plop. Scootaloo zipped over to the toy, ducked behind it and gave it a shake.
“Sure thing, Fluttershy!” she squeaked in a helium-esque voice. She shoved the rabbit into the cloud and began to make eating sounds. “Oh no, Angel!” she said, normally this time. “It looks like there's too much for you! You'll need some help to eat it all!” She sat and waited expectantly for something to happen. For a long half-minute, nothing did. Then Diamond Tiara sighed loudly, trotted to the side of the stage an yelled into the offstage darkness.
"She said 'You'll need some help to eat it all!'”
“Ah'm coming. Ah'm coming!” The muffled voice bore a distinct accent. Then Apple Bloom bounded onto the stage. Like Diamond Tiara, she wore a large afro wig, this one pink and topped off with an umbrella hat. Her tail was held upright by a clump of a dozen helium balloons. As soon as she landed on stage she jumped up again, bouncing across the stage. Her third hop landed in the puddle of “chocolate milk”. She skidded forward, slamming into the precariously balanced tree. It fell, landing squarely on the cloud, slamming it into the stage. The other fillies stared at the wreckage. Out of all of them, only Dinky remained unphased.
“Good thinking, Pinkie Pie!” Dinky cried. Diamond Tiara's eye started to twitch. That wasn't in the script. She cleared her throat and did her best to get things back on track.
“Yeah, I totally knocked that cloud right out of the sky! Because that's what I do!” She poked weakly at the lump.
“Yay, the cloud is gone!” The ensemble gave a suspiciously coordinated cheer.
The stage went silent once again as the cast members glanced around the stage, wordlessly asking each other who had the next line. Then a shared expression of horror spread across their faces as the realized that the line wasn't being said because the speaker wasn't on the stage. This time, Apple Bloom took the prerogative.
“I wonder what Rarity would think about all this!”
Before she finished speaking, Sweetie Belle rushed out, her mane and tail dyed a deep violet and styled in enormous curls. As a matter of fact, the enormous plastic curlers were still wrapped within the hair. She cleared her throat and answered in an excessively deep and loud voice, practically shouting into the audience.
“Why, I think we ought to INFORM the great and powerful PRINCESS CELESTIA!!!”
“That thounds like a great idea!” Twist said, right on cue.
“Then let us go to Canterlot!” Dinky declared loudly. “Let's go!”
The cast attempted to vacate the stage only to find themselves crashing into each other as they headed in opposite directions. After a few seconds of struggling, five of the fillies made their way off the right side of the stage. The sixth, Apple Bloom, made a valiant attempt to follow, only to be stymied by the balloons on her tail, which were tangled in the rope that supported the cotton candy cloud.
“Uh, a little help please?”
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle rushed out of the wings and began to tug on her forelegs, slowly dragging both Apple Bloom and the cloud forward. Offstage, Diamond Tiara put a hoof to her forehead. She turned to Truffle Shuffle, who stood beside the mass of ropes and pulleys that controlled the mechanical parts of the stage.
“Close the curtain!” She hissed. "I'm getting stupider just by watching this."
“Okay.” He nodded and yanked on one of the ropes. The curtain swept across the stage just as Scootaloo and Apple Bloom gave their final tug. Mere seconds after they were hidden from view, a massive crash echoed through the theater. Murmurs of concern rippled through the audience. Truffle Shuffle trotted briskly onto the stage, bearing a sign reading “End of Act 1”. After holding it up for a few moments, he flipped it over. Words had been hastily scribbled onto the back of it in crayon.
“Due to technical difficulties, Act 2 will be delayed. Please take this opportunity to visit the concession stand."
Performers and Portrayers
Intermission 1
“The number of factual inaccuracies is quite unfortunate, but I suppose that's to be expected from something put together on such short notice,” Twilight said. “It's too bad they didn't ask me for help sooner; I could have put together a fully sourced list of references for them to utilize.”
“I think they did pretty well, considering they're a bunch of schoolfoals.” Applejack chuckled. “I guess that Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns didn't really have a school play.”
“No, it did. The Princess said that my portrayal of Star Swirl the Bearded was one of the most accurate she had ever seen.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Applejack rolled her eyes.
“I thought it was good.” Fluttershy mumbled. “I liked the bit with the cloud.”
“Yeah, it was pretty hilarious when it fell.” Rainbow Dash descended into the midst of the group. She held a large bucket of popcorn. “Here's your box of Nerds, Twilight.” She dropped the box of tangy candy on Twilight's head. “And here's your eclair.” She made to drop it on Rarity, but the white unicorn snatched the pastry out of the air.
“Thank you, Rainbow Dash,” she said, half sarcastically. “I do think the foals are doing quite well, although I would have hoped that my sister would actually know how I speak.”
“I dunno, I think she pretty much nailed it.” Rainbow Dash gave Rarity a playful jab in the ribs.
“I most certainly do not pointlessly enunciate random words,” Rarity snorted.
“What are you talking about? For a moment I thought it was actually you up there!” Pinkie said. “And Apple Bloom totally got me right! I should really try that thing with the balloons on my tail.”
Rarity shook her head and turned away.
“What did you think, Applejack?” she asked. I suppose you probably don't care for your own portrayal. They got your trademark hat all wrong, after all.”
“Nah, I don't care too much about that. I'm a bit more worried about what they got goin' on backstage right now.”
Rarity turned an ear to the stage. The buzz and whirr of numerous “too dangerous for young colts and fillies to use”-type tools could be clearly heard over the sound of the crowd chattering as they made their way back to their seats. As a matter of fact, a distressingly large plume of smoke billowed out from behind the curtains.
“I really hope nopony hurts themselves with whatever they're doin' back there.” Applejack muttered.
“Pssh, they'll be fine!” Rainbow Dash answered through a mouthful of popcorn. “Cheerilee's probably got everything”— An enormous crash from from behind the curtain silenced her, and everypony else who heard it— “under control.” As they stared at the stage, Truffle Shuffle ambled out once again, his mane slightly singed around the edges. He held up his sign.
“Act 2 will begin in 5 minutes.”
“I told you trying to make the Discord costume breathe fire was a bad idea!” Apple Bloom rubbed her forehead as she surveyed the remains of the prototype flame delivery system. “You almost burned the set down!”
“And more importantly, you almost singed my mane!” Diamond Tiara held up her rainbow wig, which had a rather large, charred hole in it. “If I hadn't had this stupid thing on my head my mane could have been burned off! I could be bald right now!”
“Oh, just relax!” Scootaloo said. “You should just be glad that the thing worked! It wasn't that big of a fireball.”
“Easy for you to say! You weren't standing at the end of that contraption that the flames came out of!” She thrust a hoof at the twisted and distorted chunk of metal that had been a heavily modified blowtorch just moments earlier. “And it didn't work! When things work properly they don’t explode!”
“Hey, I told you to get out of the way before I tested it!” Sweetie Belle gingerly prodded the device, making sure it had cooled down enough to pick up. “We just turned the power up too high is all.”
“It's still a dumb idea,” Diamond Tiara grumbled.
“Yeah, it's not like Discord even breathes fire.” Silver Spoon assumed the posture and voice of someone who was trying too hard to sound smart. “He's a draconequus, not an actual dragon. He didn't breathe fire.”
“He totally could have!” Sweetie Belle retorted. “He's like the embodiment of chaos or whatever, isn't he? If he wanted to breathe fire I bet he could have. Breathing fire isn't any weirder than making chocolate rain.”
“Although I guess it would make more sense if he breathed like, banana crème pie filling or something, though,” Scootaloo said, scratching her head. “Probably would have been easier to rig up something like that.”
“Besides, it's not like we're really goin' for accuracy anyway,” Apple Bloom said. “It's not like my sister really wears a giant sombrero or nothin'. We just kinda had to go with what we got.”
“So the first thing you thought of was building a flamethrower?” Diamond Tiara's eyebrow twitched. “You guys are even dumber than I thought.”
“You're the one who wanted to be in charge of the set design,” Scootaloo said. “You coulda done the costumes if you wanted.”
“And looking at how things turned out, maybe she should have.” Silver Spoon sniffed snootily. Her eyes darted to the flamethrower, to Diamond Tiara's wig, and then to the large swath of twisted burlap that was supposed to be Discord. “I mean, a sombrero? Really?”
“It's not our fault Applejack wouldn't let us borrow her hat.”
“Probably because she knew that you'd set it on fire or something dumb.”
“I'd take good care of my sister's hat!” Apple Bloom snorted indignantly.
Diamond Tiara opened her mouth for another volley of insults, but clamped it shut as she saw Cheerilee's head poke into the prep area.
“Act 2 starts in three minutes!” She chirped, oblivious to the backstage strife.
“But wait, we're not-” Apple Bloom barely got through the first word before Cheerilee vanished. “Oh, fiddle.” She turned to Silver Spoon. “I guess you better get into costume. Sorry 'bout the itchiness.”
“I never should have let you do the costumes,” the gray earth pony grumbled.
Performers and Portrayers
Act 2: At War with Anarchy
The pullies that supported the weight of the curtain squeaked loudly as they dragged the fabric out of the way of the stage. Truffle Shuffle stood at the center, propping up a sign reading “Act 2”. Behind him stood a cluster of whitewashed boards haphazardly nailed together in crude imitation of the Canterlot skyline. Not that anypony in the audience would have recognized it. The only clue to the location it was supposed to represent was the scribbled (and labeled) national flag that hung from a stick taped to the highest chunk of wood.
The audience silenced itself as Dinky trotted onto the stage, followed by Twist, Scootaloo, Diamond Tiara, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle. Truffle Shuffle scurried off stage. A crash and a few grunts later he reappeared, wearing an upturned bucket on his head and bearing a rather old and beat-up bugle.
“Presenting her majesty, Princess Celestia!”
He took a deep breath and blew into the bugle as hard as he could, producing a sound halfway between a pig's squeal and a fart. As soon as his fanfare was complete, he quickly retreated back to the wings. A hiss and the whirr of a fan could be heard as a wispy fog began to pour onto the stage. Every light dimmed save for a single spotlight above the stage, focused on a shape moving through the fog. The mist slowly began to disperse. Too slowly. Truffle Shuffle dashed through the fog, towing an electric fan behind him. He set down the fan at midstage, sending the fog back into the wings. As the mist blew away, a massive suppressed chuckle (and a loud guffaw, courtesy of Rainbow Dash) rippled through the audience.
Snails plopped himself down at the center of the stage. His entire coat was matted with goop that had once been flour, but combined with the fog to turn into paste. His horn had been augmented by a length of cardboard, which had unfortunately gotten rather soggy and now hung limply over his face. His false wings, fashioned out of an excessive number of feather dusters tied together, had fared better, but even then the bizarre coloration (green, with smatterings of white and yellow) didn't look quite correct. Neither did the hair, another rainbow afro wig that had been run through a straightener several dozen times and had taken on a pompadour-ish look. On his head rested a diadem twisted together out of coathangers with a shiny rock and two jawbreakers standing in for gems.
He cleared his throat and made his best attempt to sound female. The result was a squeaky, halting voice that cracked utterly in half every other word. “Uhhh....Welcome! My most...loyal subjects!” Half the onstange cast visibly cringed, the other half visibly stifled their laughter. Snails continued his recitation. “Something really... bad happened. Discord got out and he's doing... bad stuff. You gotta stop him.”
“But how?” Dinky asked with an impressive amount of sincerity.
“You have to use the uh...the...you know. Those things.”
“The elements...of HARMONY?” Sweetie Belle said. “That we can USE to defeat DISCORD?”
“Yeah, those!” Snails nodded, causing his cardboard horn to wobble precariously. I’ll go get them for you with my magic. I keep them in my magic box. Oh, there it is.”
A hadn’t-been-oiled-for-untold-eons pulley squawked from above the stage as it slowly lowered a garish-ly painted box into view.
“Itth the elementh of Harmony!” Twist declared as the box made its jaunty descent. It stops for a moment, and then dropped to the floor with a clatter.
“Awesome!” Scootaloo bounded into the air, her wings buzzing quickly enough to hold her up for a moment before she landed. “Let’s kick some draconequus butt!” Her eyes darted back and forth for a moment. “I mean, if that’s okay with everypony else.”
“Okay.” Snails recited. “Let’s get them out.” He slowly extended a heavily costumed foreleg and began to fumble with the latch on the box. And continued to fumble with the latch. “Just gimme a second.”
Diamond Tiara shook her head and decided to move things along. “Princess Celestia, it seems that your magic is too, uh, awesome to open. I might be like, amazing or something enough to get it open.”
“Uh, okay.”
She strode forward and effortlessly flicked the lid open, reveal absolutely nothing.
“Oh no. The elements are missing.” Snails said, with the same level of enthusiasm he’d normally reserve for something utterly ordinary.
“Bwahahaha!”
One of the cardboard backdrops exploded with a crack, scattering pieces of debris into the audience, who immediately ducked for cover. The smoke began to clear, revealing what appeared to be a long burlap tube with four pairs of legs protruding from it. At the back end of it, it flopped to the floor. At the front end was a too-large paper-mache mask that faced inexplicably towards the floor, swinging precariously.
“Oh no. There he is.” Snails lazily waved a hoof in the cloth tube's direction.
“I am Discord!” The costume declared in Snips’ voice. A few stifled giggles sounded from the audience as they realized that the voice was coming from the end of the figure that lacked a head. “I stole the elements of Harmony because I’m evil!”
“Oh no. You have to get the elements back.” Snails answered in a tone of voice suitable for ordering a pizza.
“Do we have to?” Apple Bloom asked. “I like having cotton candy clouds.”
“We have to defeat him!” Dinky declared. “If we don’t he’ll make the entire world go crazy!”
“You cannot defeat me without the elements!” Discord’s butt said. “I dare you to try it!”
“Okay!” Scootaloo charged forward. Discord’s head attempted to dodge. His butt also attempted to dodge, but in the other direction. The audience recoiled in horror at the sound of the crash.
“Fluttershy saved Equestria!” Dinky declared.
“No she didn’t!” Diamond Tiara’s eye twitch had spread to the entire rest of her face. “I did!” She scurried over to the tangle of cloth and stood over it triumphantly.
“I...uh…” Sweetie Belle approached the prone Discord costume with caution. “I don’t BELIEVE that DISCORD could be DEFEATED so EASILY!” She poked at it gingerly with her hoof.
“That’s because I can’t!” Discord’s rear end stood up. His head and shoulders remained on the ground, but began to move, twisting itself into a knot. “You didn’t beat me! You just...uh…” His voice trailed off.
The silence hung in the air like a cloud. Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Dinky all shared confused glances. Diamond Tiara looked back over her shoulder at them, glaring. Scootaloo just shrugged.
“He was… uh…” Apple Bloom tried to think of something to say. “Playin’ a trick on us!”
“Yeah!” Dinky leaped forward. “He was just pretending to be defeated, but he actually isn’t!”
“That’s right!” Discord’s butt said, though a bit muffled. “You didn’t beat me.” He paused for a moment, then began again. “In order to defeat me, you will have to get the Elements of Harmony.”
The rest of the cast breathed a sigh of relief. The delivery was horrible slow and stilted, but that only meant that he was back on script. Specifically, he was back on the script that he had with him inside the costume.
“If you want the Elements of Harmony, you will have to find them in the maze outside.” Discord turned around. Or at least, he tried to, but instead ended up tying the costume into a pretzel. The dual costume waddled a few awkward steps in the direction of offstage before rolling over, smacking the head end into the stage. A distinctly Silver Spoon-esque yelp could be heard through the fabric.
Truffle Shuffle scooted out from the wing, grabbed Discord by the tail, and slowly began to tow the whole mess offstage.
Dinky cleared her throat. “Come on, everypony! We need to go find the elements in the maze and beat Discord so that everything goes back to normal!”
“Yeah, I’ll totally kick his rump,” Diamond Tiara recited, rolling her eyes. “Let’s go.”
“Yeah!” They all shouted in unison, though with vastly differing levels of enthusiasm. Then they all charged off the stage, running right past Discord, who was still partially visible from the audience.
Snails slowly glanced at the audience, then back to the space where the rest of the cast was supposed to be. “Yes. You all have to go defeat Discord.” He waited for a moment, shrugged, and began to back up. He was just about off the stage when the curtains swung closed catching him by surprise and dragging him halfway across the stage. The audience winced collectively as they watched him scramble under the curtain, leaving a floury, white smudge in his wake.
After a moment, Apple Bloom’s head poked out from offstage.
“Uh, yeah. That was Act 2. Act 3 is gonna start in a couple minutes due to… technical difficulties. Y’all can go get more snacks now. All the money will go to the school, so buy a lot of stuff!”
She darted back into the wing, leaving the audience to murmur to each other in confusion.
Author's Note
Bet you never expected me to get back to updating this . I felt kinda bad about leaving it for so long, so I figured I'd quickly try to add some stuff to it. It's obviously not my best work, but it'll get me back into a fanfic writing mood after my hiatus from it.
