The Only Mark That Matters

Cadance and Celestia met for tea and a special discussion in the Royal Breakfast Nook. Cadance placed a file folder onto the table.

“So, I’ve compiled some profiles of bachelors I think would make a nice match for you,” Cadance said. “But to narrow them down, I need to ask you some questions first.”

“Very well.”

“First of all, are you looking for someone who reminds you of your first love?”

Celestia looked aside. “Not necessarily. I’m ready to expand my horizons.”

Cadance made a note. “In that case, could you see yourself dating a non-pony?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“And given that, are you only considering males?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, next question: what really happened between you and Halcyon?”

Celestia crossed her forehooves. “How is that relevant?”

“Something happened between you and him that you’re not telling me. I need to know how it affected your heart.”

“Your husband classified those events for a reason, dear.”

“Oh, fine.” She opened the file folder. “Well, my first idea is a guy close to home. Since Luna now has her own chain of command, you could date any of her employees without breaking your silly rule against fraternizing with subordinates.”

“Are you suggesting I date a bat pony?”

“Actually, Luna’s taken one of the palace astronomers on as her assistant. A rather handsome, knowledgeable bull named Harold.”

Celestia frowned. “I, uh, don’t think that would work out.”

“I knew it! Harold is Halcyon, isn’t he?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes. Congrats, you cracked the case.”

“I thought so. Let me guess- Halcyon came to court you, but he and Luna fell for each other instead. You graciously stepped out of their way so they could be together, and he is somehow disguising himself as Harold to let you save face?”

“Something along those lines. Let’s just move on.”

“Okay, I’ve been vetting a number of notable stallions-about-town…”

“Not some snooty upper-crust Canterlite, Cadance.”

“No, look.” She spread out an article she clipped from a trade magazine. “This stallion invented a new type of brick, and started a company to make them. He’s educated and charitable, and word is that he’s kind, noble, and single. Plus, he’s rather easy on the eyes, isn’t he?”

Celestia cocked her head at the article. It included a photograph of the stallion, a muscular tan earth pony. “Cadance, that stallion looks a lot like Radish.”

“Oh, does he?” She looked at the photo. “Huh, I suppose there’s a resemblance. Why? Is that a problem?”

“Let’s put him in the ‘Maybe’ pile.”

“Well, how about a familiar face from the old days? Scorpan now visits his brother in Tartarus regularly. He could always swing by the castle for some one-on-one time.”

“Would you think I was terribly shallow if I told you I just don’t find Scorpan attractive?”

“Well, I can hardly judge you for that. After all, I married the most handsome stallion in Equestria!”

“Hmm? Oh. Yes, of course. Anyone else?”

“Well, this next suggestion is a little out there, but hear me out…”

“If you say Discord, I’m ending this meeting right now.”

“No, I wouldn’t do that to Fluttershy.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Light sat across from Underglaze at her counter in Cat’s Howl. The two were sketching out designs for a work of art they were collaborating on.

“Light, the cost of these materials will run very high. Are you sure?”

“Yes. It’s worth it.”

“Very well. But don’t say I never did anything for you.”

The bell above the door clanked. They looked up. The four bat ponies had burst into the store.

“Are you Light Fantastic?” Nocturn asked.

“In the flesh. What can I do for you?”

“We are Radish Root’s brethren,” Murk said. “Brother Radish has encouraged us to get to know you.”

“Oh? Neat.”

Echo trotted up to Light’s counter. He looked her over.

“You are the mare who Radish has deemed worthy of his heart? Are you funny, at least?”

“I sure am! Look, I made that shirt over there.”

She pointed to a shirt on a display rack behind her counter. Large block letters on its front read, “DON’T LOOK AT THIS SHIRT”.

Echo looked at it. He frowned. Light cracked herself up laughing. Nocturn took the opportunity to climb onto her counter and sniff at her.

“Hey, do you mind?” she said.

“You do not smell of any stallions but Radish. You pass the test of fidelity.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Murk sniffed Underglaze. “And you do not smell of any mares at all.”

“Well, I just took a shower,” Underglaze said.

“No, you didn’t.”

Vesper looked around the store. “Brother Radish is one of Equestria’s greatest heroes. What makes you think you are worthy of him?”

Light leaned over her counter and grinned. “I can do this thing with my tongue that drives him wild.”

Vesper lifted her chin to look down upon Light. “You and any number of dockside floozies.”

Light leaned back. “Okay, that does it. I definitely want you for one of my bridesmaids.”

Vesper’s wings fluttered. “Truly?”

“Do not be taken in, sister,” said Murk. “She still has many tests to pass.”

“Why don’t I save us all some time. You know how we settle things in Midlo?” Light asked. “Drinking contests.”

She pulled a bottle of Midtown-made rotgut from under her counter and unscrewed its top. The fumes emanating from the bottle distorted the air above it.

“Very well,” said Murk. “I accept your challenge!”

He grabbed the bottle and chugged it. He slammed it back down on the counter, empty. He looked at Light expectantly.

“Well? Where is your bottle?”

Starlight Glimmer and a group of her most trusted fellow prisoners met in a dark, out-of-the-way corner of the detention facility. They stood in a circle surrounding her cell guard. Starlight stepped forward and spoke in a hushed, serious tone.

“Chain Links, are you ready and willing?” she asked the guard.

“I am,” he said solemnly.

She dipped her hoof in a paper cup full of old coffee grounds mixed with shampoo. She smeared a crude equal sign over the stallion’s own cutie mark, just as she had done to the rest of her group.

“With this gift, I unmark you symbolically.”

He bowed his head. “I accept this gift.”

“By the Unmarking, you are free, returned to the natural state of ponykind.”

“I accept my nature.”

“Within our natural state, we are all equal.”

“I accept equality.”

She put a hoof to his chin and lifted his head. She smiled warmly.

“Welcome to the family, Brother Chain Links.”

“Thank you, Mother Glimmer.”

Radish entered Cat’s Howl. He found Light and the bat ponies all lying in a stupor on the floor, among numerous scattered empty liquor bottles. Underglaze was at an easel, painting the scene.

“Oh boy,” Radish said. “Who won?”

“I lost track among all the slurring,” said Underglaze. “But I believe they reached an understanding before they passed out.”

Light Fantastic made a barely-conscious half-grunt, half-groan in confirmation.

Radish smiled.