The Only Mark That Matters

“So, what are we doing here?” Hauberk asked his coworkers.

The three stood outside the Royal Proving Complex, a multipurpose training facility just outside the palace. It consisted of multiple plywood buildings which could be furnished and configured to simulate any number of emergency response scenarios for guards, firefighters, paramedics, and more. Radish had personally trained in the complex many times since entering the Royal Guard.

“The guard had something to show us,” scoffed Laurel Gold.

“What, a neat bug he found?” muttered Hauberk.

“Actually, Major Root would like your help testing some ideas he had,” said Princess Celestia, standing right behind them. They turned to see her and Radish.

“What’s this now?” asked Siege Line.

Radish pointed to one of the large buildings.

“I’ve set up this training building to simulate someone of Glimmer’s ability infiltrating a watchtower. You three will be playing the part of Glimmer, and you’re going to be going up against some security measures I came up with. You’ll have three objectives-”

“Running sims is for grunts,” said Hauberk. “We don’t have time for this.”

“Really?” asked Celestia. “Seeing as you walked out early yesterday, I’m curious as to what else you had planned for the conference. It’s not like you came just for the free food and spa.”

The three unicorns looked at each other.

“You said three objectives?” Laurel sighed.

“Yes,” said Radish. “Three objectives: free a prisoner- which is a dummy of realistic weight- steal a folder from a file cabinet, or take out the tower chief- another dummy. You can try for as many or as few as you feel you’re capable of. All you need is one to win.

“Now, to account for all of Glimmer’s powers, all of you may use any spell you know. But you have to stay together and you can only cast one spell at a time- she’s only an individual, after all.”

“What are you playing at? We’ll be in and out like nothing,” said Hauberk.

“That’s good for you, because Princess Celestia has put up a prize for the winner.”

“Oh? A prize? What do we win?” asked Siege Line.

“Use of my private box at the racetrack for the big derby next week,” said Celestia.

“And since there’s three of you, you have three attempts, each with one of you leading,” added Radish.

The three whispered amongst themselves.

“Fine,” said Laurel.

“I’ll take point,” said Hauberk. “You two, just follow my lead.”

The three lined up in front of the door. Hauberk lit up his horn and they disappeared.

They reappeared inside the building with a flash. A net fell on them.

“Oh, please,” scoffed Hauberk. He teleported the group a few meters to the right, letting the net fall to the ground.

They rushed down the hall until they met a T-junction. They saw a sign on the wall:

Tower Chief →
←File Room

“Come on, let’s take out that chief,” Hauberk said. He led the other two down the right hallway, which terminated in a door. The sign on the wall beside it confirmed it was the chief’s office. The door was locked.

“Unlocking spell, Laurie,” said Hauberk.

Laurel Gold cast a spell which popped the door open. Inside was a room with only a file cabinet.

“Wrong room,” she said.

“That’s his idea?” scoffed Siege Line. “Mislabeling rooms? And Celestia trusts this guy?”

“Maybe she should have him building funhouses instead,” snickered Laurel Gold.

“This proves it,” said Hauberk. “Those two are sleeping together.”

He used his magic to open the file cabinet. The top drawer had a file folder in it. He took it in his aura.

“Okay, now-”

Eddie the rattlesnake jumped out of the folder and clamped onto his neck. He hollered and flailed. The other two jumped back. Laurel Gold slammed into the wall behind her, and Siege Line tripped on his own tail and fell on his rump.

Celestia’s aura opened the outside wall of the room. She and Radish had clipboards and were taking notes. Radish finished writing something, then held up his hoof. Eddie leapt off Hauberk and slithered up to Radish, climbing him and perching on his head.

“So, that’s Glimmer getting a lethal load of snake venom,” Radish said. “Don’t worry, you didn’t.”

“What are you going to do?” asked Hauberk, rubbing his neck. “Put a snake in every file cabinet in the nation?”

“Not every file cabinet. I brought a distribution strategy to the meeting yesterday, but I don’t think any of you saw it on the way out.”

“Are you seriously suggesting that we fill the watchtowers with incorrect signage to confuse intruders?” asked Siege Line.

“The whoosh of air from your teleport set off a pressure-sensitive trigger in the wall,” said Radish. “That’s what made the net fall on you, and it also tripped mechanisms that changed the hallway signs. Only an intruder teleporting in would get false directions. Always turn an enemy’s talents against them.”

Hauberk narrowed his eyes at Radish. Laurel Gold laughed.

“Well, you had your chance, Hob. My turn,” she said.

“I’ll reset the simulation and reshuffle the rooms,” said Celestia, lighting up her horn. The three unicorns walked back to their starting position. “Oh, and for the record, Major Root and I are not physically involved.”

Hauberk winced. Laurel elbowed him and smirked.

The three lined up again. This time, Laurel Gold cast her unlocking spell on one of the side windows. They snuck into the building, finding themselves in a room decorated like a supply closet.

Another net fell on them.

“Okay, getting really sick of these,” said Siege Line. He conjured a burning blade in the air and sliced up the net.

They entered the hallway. The sign on the wall now read:

←Tower Chief
File Room→

“So they do change,” said Siege Line, inspecting it.

“I’m still not trusting it,” said Laurel. “I shoulda done this last time.”

She cast a trail-targeting spell. A ghostly image of Radish carrying a dummy dressed like a prisoner appeared further down the hall, heading towards a door. Laurel kicked it open. Inside was a simulated jail, with the dummy sitting inside a cell. Standing before the cell was a dummy dressed like a guard, with its back to the trio.

Siege Line reeled back to blow the guard dummy’s head off with a blast from his horn. Laurel stopped him with a hoof to his shoulder. She put her aura over the dummy and twisted its legs together, then took a key from its belt.

“Why-”

“He put pressure-sensitive triggers in the walls, remember?” said Laurel. “Your horn blasts could set off some other dumb booby trap.”

“Right.”

“Hob, get ready to teleport us out. Right in front of the major.”

“There’s still two other objectives,” said Hauberk.

“We only need one to win. I’m not blowing my chance at derby box seats over showboating.”

She put the key in the cell door’s keyhole. A small glass canister dropped out of the other side of the lock and broke upon the floor. A cloud of choking white smoke burst out of it. The trio coughed and stumbled blindly, rubbing their eyes. The outside wall opened again. Celestia brought her wings together, stirring a rush of wind that blew the smoke away.

“You had the right idea- the cell door was booby-trapped,” Radish said, taking notes. “But you needed to insert the key at the correct angle to disarm it.”

“Glimmer’s not going to be stopped by these little novelty gags!” Laurel Gold shouted.

“I believe you have one more chance to demonstrate such,” said Celestia.

“Okay. My turn,” said Siege Line. He pulled the other two into a huddle and whispered something to them.

“What!?” exclaimed Laurel Gold.

“Are you sure?” asked Hauberk.

“Yes! Just do it!”

The three aimed their horns at the building and blasted it. The plywood wall splintered and collapsed, revealing the interiors of most rooms of the building. Nets fell and smoke bombs went off, nowhere near the trio.

Siege Line magically tore open the file cabinet, snatched the folder in his aura, and shook out Eddie. Laurel Gold twisted the jail cell open with her own magic and grabbed the prisoner, and Hauberk blasted the head off the station chief dummy sitting behind its desk. They threw the folder, the prisoner, and the disembodied head at the ground in front of Radish.

“Done,” said Siege Line. “You lose, major.”

“Oh, darn it,” said Radish. “Sorry, Princess. Looks like Glimmer got what she came for.”

“Well, like I said, you still have a lot to learn. I did have fun watching, though,” Celestia said. She turned to the unicorn trio. “Enjoy the box seats, you three. You’ve earned them.”

“Hey, not all your ideas were terrible,” said Laurel. “Just keep working on them.”

“I can’t wait to tell my wife we’ve got a royal box,” Siege Line said excitedly.

A buzzing noise filled the air. A swarm of black and yellow insects rose up from behind the building and dove at the trio. They quickly threw up a shield. The swarm landed on the shield, buzzing loudly.

“What did you do!?” Hauberk hollered.

“The nets that fell on you? They coated you with their pheromones,” Radish said. “When you wrecked the building, you exposed their hive. These guys will go after you, or Glimmer, all day.”

They teleported away. The insects hovered in place for a moment, then sped off in a new direction.

“Radish! That was a spiteful move,” chided Celestia. “One of them could be allergic to bees.”

“They’re not bees, ma’am. They’re Windy Mountain Horseflies.”

“Ah, a species that mimics bees in appearance. As I recall, their bites can’t break pony hide.”

“Nah, just a little nibble. But they’ll still follow a tagged infiltrator to the ends of the earth. Pursuers can follow the swarm’s sound over miles.”

There was another teleport burst in the distance. Radish sighed.

“Still, they completed the objectives, fair and square. They won. Sorry, ma’am.”

“They won by refusing to enter the building you wanted to keep them out of. You put fear in them, major. And the real buildings won’t be plywood.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“And major? I know you’ve been stressing over Starlight Glimmer. But you’re as worried about her capture as you are about her freedom, aren’t you?”

“I can’t hide anything from you, ma’am. I’m worried Twilight will try to befriend and pardon her.”

“Would that be so wrong?”

“Starlight Glimmer is a monster.”

“So was Nightmare Moon. So was Discord.”

“Nightmare Moon was destroyed, not pardoned. And Discord helping Tirek nearly got me killed. He should be a statue in Tartarus. And so should Glimmer.”

“Nightmare Moon’s nature was… complicated. And we must simply agree to disagree about Discord.”

There was another teleport burst. The three unicorns galloped past Radish and Celestia with the swarm hot on their tails.

“You win! Call them off!” called Laurel.

They teleported away again. Celestia giggled.

“Major, if Twilight collars Glimmer, she will indeed try to turn her with friendship. That’s her nature. That’s her jurisdiction. And not even I can stop that- a princess can’t veto another princess’s pardons.”

Radish sighed. Celestia looked down at Radish.

“But local law enforcement, such as the City Watch, town sheriffs, or constabularies, are independent from royal influence. If any such group cuffs her, they will process her according to the law and send her to be tried in Canterlot. Twilight would have no authority over the outcome. She might not even be called as a witness.

“And I am the ultimate authority for the Guards, the Rangers, and the Royal Excursionary Forces. If any of them capture her, I would have the option to pardon her.”

Her expression turned serious.

“But I am not the Princess of Friendship. I see no reason to pardon her. She is guaranteed a fair trial, nothing more.”

“I appreciate that, ma’am. But wouldn’t that put you at odds with Twilight?”

“Princesses make difficult decisions. This is not one of them. I consider Light Fantastic a friend, and the thought of that witch imprisoning her enrages me. As does the thought of her harming you.”

The unicorn trio approached, dripping wet from having plunged themselves in the palace’s moat.

“Oh, you lost the swarm, huh?” Radish asked. “That’s the last of my tricks. Y’all win.”

“Enjoy the derby,” said Celestia.

“Thank you, ma’am,” said Siege Line. “See you tomorrow, major.”

They trotted away. Radish looked up at Celestia.

“Ma’am, a princess shouldn’t stress over the safety of her guards. Guards should stress over the safety of their princesses.”

“Radish, I’ve been stressing over the safety of my little ponies since day one.”

A Windy Mountain Horsefly buzzed over to Celestia. It landed on her muzzle, and tried to chew her skin.

“Hey! Mandibles off the princess!” said Radish, shooing it. “Sorry, ma’am. They’re hard to train.”

“Not to worry. I have thick skin.”

“I wish I did. I spent the whole day on this. It was one big exercise in spite.”

“Did you prove what you wanted to prove to them?”

“I think so. I really think trying to out-magic Glimmer is a fool’s errand. Better to use tricks she can’t foresee.”

“Major, I’ve been all three types of pony for most of my life. I’ve long relished the gifts my earth pony side has brought me. But I know that earth ponies often feel… underappreciated.”

“Not once in your Guard has anyone made me feel lesser because I’m an earth pony. Even Shining Armor, at his most annoying, respected everyone’s tribes. He made us all feel like we were complementing each other, not competing with each other.”

“Good.”

“But there’s a lot of old institutions in Canterlot that are very… unicorn-centric, aren’t there? And I’ll have to work extra hard if I want to make waves in them, won’t I?”

“Old ideas have momentum, Radish. Some ideas are so old, even I have trouble changing their course. But there’s nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come. And nothing as hilarious as the thought of Glimmer being hounded by horseflies.”

“Princess, did you put me on the design team to pull me out of my creative funk?”

“You may have been in a creative funk, but those three have been in a creative rut for years- turning in lazier and lazier work with each conference. I thought you could all spark a little fire in each other.”

Radish chuckled. “Well, it worked. I have a lot of ideas. Not just for the watchtowers, but for Fort Curly, and some for Canterlot, too.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“But if I didn’t get bad at security when I lost my cutie mark, that means it wasn’t my special talent. I still don’t know what my mark was supposed to mean.”

“I’m sorry, Radish. But if it makes you feel any better, I’m relieved you haven’t lost your talent for security. It makes me feel… safer.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

Radish entered his quarters to find Light Fantastic sitting at his desk and wearing his helmet.

“You know, Fan, you’re not actually supposed to be in here without me. A major’s quarters could be full of top secrets vital to the security of Equestria.”

“I let you into my office in the back of my shop.”

“Your office has a file cabinet you can’t open and a trashcan you never empty.”

“How’d it go? Did you show them the worthiness of your earthiness?”

“Well, I can’t tell you about what we did, but I think I opened their minds a little bit. The watchtowers should be a little hardier against spellcasters in the future.”

“Rad, have you ever thought about doing stuff like this on your own?”

“What do you mean?”

“Work for a private security company. Even start one.”

“What? And leave the Guard?”

“Yes.”

“No, never. The princesses need me.”

“Rad, do they?”

“Of course!”

“There are hundreds of other guards. Plus, the Pastelles.”

“I can’t just leave their safety to others. They put their trust in me. I swore an oath.”

“Sometimes I think your devotion to them is too much. You act like you’re their dog, sitting with your paws in the air for their next command, always waiting to hear ‘good boy’.”

“Fan, haven’t you ever just wanted to make your princesses proud?”

“No.”

“Oh…”

“I’m sorry. I guess there are more differences between us than I thought.”

“Have you ever wanted to make anyone proud?”

“No…”

“Then who do you make art for?”

“Myself!”

“But you put it on display! You hang it in galleries. You sell it.”

“I’m not looking for validation. I have things inside me that I need to get out. If others want to pay for it, that’s fine.”

“Fan, protecting the princesses is my art. I have all these ideas on how to do it, and I have to get them out into the world, too, because no one else has the thoughts I do. And if they want to pay me to do it, that’s fine, too.”

Light Fantastic smiled at him. She kissed his cheek.

“Maybe there aren’t that many differences between us. Maybe their safety will be your masterpiece. ”

Light left Radish’s quarters to meet with Underglaze again. Radish sat on his couch, relaxing. There was a knock at his door.

"Come on in."

A cadet entered.

"Major, there's news. Somepony burgled the Ponyville Hall of Records, and they think it was Glimmer. Every last file pertaining to AG1 and their families are missing."

"Hmm. What about the file guardian?"

"Also missing."

"Oh? Thank you, cadet. That will be all."

Radish rolled his chair over to his cork board, and added some notes in and around Ponyville. He smiled. He looked over his shoulder at his wall safe.

“I told you I could do it without you.”

With a burst of light, Starlight Glimmer appeared on a hill overlooking Ponyville. She opened up her valise and pulled out stacks of file folders. She smiled.

"Okay, let's start with Rainbow Dash's medical history. Maybe she's deathly allergic to- what the heck?"

The words on the page she was reading were a jumble of letters. She leafed through the stack and found that they were all similarly typed.

"Is this... encrypted? Oh, that Twilight Sparkle thinks she's so clever. Hmm... ha! It's the Trottingham Cipher. Silly princess, there's a spell for that..."

A cobra slithered silently out of one of the folders. It coiled up behind her, waiting for its moment.

"And... done! Oh, this is her Wonderbolt Academy psych evaluation! This is going to be good! Let's see..."

Starlight Glimmer looked down at the magically-decrypted lines:

Glimmer- the girls are protected, and so are all their records. Don’t struggle- this is only a knockout dose.

"Ugh, she's playing games, is she? But what's she on about? What on earth is a knockout dose?"

The cobra sprang at her and bit its fangs into her neck. She screamed and reflexively threw up a repelling shield, flinging the snake away from her. She touched the bite wounds, and found her hooves already shaking from the venom.

"No... got to..."

In a flash of light, she vanished. The snake popped up its head from the grass, tasted the air with its tongue, and started on the long trek back to report in.

Starlight Glimmer woke up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. She took a moment to remember what had happened, and growled in frustration. She sat up and took in her surroundings- she was in some kind of rustic cabin. It was fairly dark, with the blinds drawn closed. She heard light hoofsteps, and saw a gray earth mare approaching her. She had a long gray mane hiding half her face. Her cutie mark was three purple marbles.

“Who are you? Where am I?” snapped Starlight.

Marble Pie held up a small vial. Starlight blinked the blurriness out of her eyes to focus on it. It was a dose of snake antivenin.

“You found me and… gave me the antidote?”

She nodded.

“Why?”

Marble seemed confused by the question. She pointed to Starlight’s snakebite, as if that explained everything.

Starlight touched her bite marks and scoffed. “You have no idea who I am, do you?”

She shook her head.

“Mare of few words, aren’t you? Good for you. The ponies who talk the most think the least.” Starlight looked around. “Did you find a bunch of documents next to me?”

Marble shook her head again.

“Oh, well. Thanks for the help.” She climbed out of the bed, shakily. “In return, I’ll give you some advice: don’t tell anypony about it. You’ll get in trouble with the law.”

Marble gave a quizzical, worried look, but nodded.

“Good.” Starlight made her way across the floor, to the door. She looked back. “And another piece of advice: stay far away from Princess Twilight Sparkle and those friends of hers. They ruin everything they touch.”

Starlight left out the door. Marble went to the window and watched her go. She breathed a sigh of relief.