The Only Mark That Matters

“Hey, punk. Wake up.”

Radish awoke in a sitting position. His limbs were wrapped in chains, he had been stripped of his armor, and he recognized the room he was in: an interrogation room of the palace’s Secure Holding facility. Barrel Roller sat across the table from him with her forehooves crossed and a disgusted expression on her face.

“Okay, pal. I want to know who you are and how you got into Princess Luna’s bedroom.”

“Captain?”

“The captain doesn’t waste his time talking to lowlife dirtballs. You're stuck dealing with me.”

“Ma’am, it’s me. Major Root!”

“I know who your fake ID says you are, scum. But I also know every guard who works here, and you’re not one of them. Now, where did you get the armor? We recovered every set that the Warmbloods stole. Is somepony out there producing knockoffs?”

“Ma’am… what is going on!?” Radish asked exasperatedly. “Something’s happened to every…” A realization hit Radish. He scowled and glared up at the ceiling. “Discord! Are you doing this!? This isn’t funny!”

Barrel Roller got up and stalked around the table. She stood behind Radish and loomed over his shoulder.

“Discord can’t help you now. And if you don’t wanna share his fate as a statue in Tartarus, you’ll start talking.”

“What?”

“What is your name?”

“Radish Root!”

“How did you get into the palace?”

“I live here.”

“How did you get past Luna’s guards?”

“I outrank them!”

“Every lie just pisses me off a little bit more. Guess what happens when you hit my limit. Are you with the Campaign?”

“What campaign?”

“Okay, I’m reaching that limit now.”

Radish struggled in his bindings, but stopped when he felt an odd sensation of missing something that should be there. The small chain which held his engagement ring from Light was no longer around his neck.

“Where’s my ring?” he demanded.

“In evidence. You wanna see it again? Talk. Otherwise, I’ll give it to the blacksmith to melt into paperclips.”

Radish raised an eyebrow. “Ma’am, that would violate both prisoner interrogation protocol and evidence disposition procedure.” He leaned back coolly. “In fact, I’m exercising my right to remain silent and requesting to speak with a palace attorney right now.”

Barrel Roller paused, then burst with laugher. A chill crawled up Radish’s spine. He had never seen her laugh before. He didn’t think she had the muscles to do it.

“Oh, that’s a good one,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “Guards!”

The door opened again and two guards entered the room.

“Ma’am?” they asked in unison.

“This slimeball needs some time to think. Lock him in the dungeons until further notice.”

“We don’t have dungeons,” Radish stated confidently.

The guards dragged him away, down the hall, and to a door Radish didn’t know existed. It was labeled “Dungeons”.

Radish recognized the “dungeon” he was locked in as a large storage room in the palace’s under-tunnels. It appeared to have been recently repurposed and divided into individual cells by the addition of new brick walls and iron bars. Radish thought the craftsponyship looked rather shoddy.

He wasn’t alone. One of the cells across from his was occupied. Its occupant was too far back in the cell to see, but they had been blowing soulful sounds out of a harmonica since before the guards locked him up. The noise was growingly getting on Radish’s nerves.

Okay. Got to figure this out. Luna’s been reverted to her old form. The whole castle doesn’t recognize me. And now we have dungeons. Must be Discord. Or worse, Glimmer. Maybe a new enemy?

The harmonica playing got more off-key.

“Would you knock that off!?” Radish finally snapped. “It’s such a cliché!”

An orange unicorn mare stepped forward in the cell. An elaborate inhibitor ring was clamped on her horn. She sneered at Radish.

“What are you, a music critic?”

“You call that music? I’ve heard angry geese keep better time.”

The mare smirked and leaned against her bars.

“So, what are you in here for?”

“Nothing. I’m innocent.”

“Yeah, me too.”

A door on one end of the room opened. Another unicorn mare, this one pale yellow and wearing thick glasses and a blue robe, entered the dungeon.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t teacher’s pet,” scoffed the mare in the cell.

“I have nothing to say to a traitor,” said the robed mare dismissively. She turned to Radish. “You, however, are most interesting. You have the whole castle abuzz with your mysterious sudden appearance in Luna’s bedroom.”

“He did what!?” exclaimed the orange mare. The pale yellow mare ignored her.

“How did you do it? Your cutie mark is an equal sign- are you skilled at calculations? And if so, have you invented some kind of matter-energy transporter device?”

Radish shrugged. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I did. I built it in my garage out of pie tins.”

“I highly doubt that. Please stand still.”

“For what?”

She lit up her horn and waved it in front of Radish. Radish felt alternating hot and cold sensations pass through his body. He grit his teeth. The mare raised an eyebrow.

“Curious. Your thaumions have the wrong isospin,” she said.

“Yeah? Well same to you, too, missy.”

“But that could only be possible if… huh. Oh. Oh, my stars! You’re a fence jumper, aren’t you!?”

“A what?”

“A visitor from another consequent? Some have hypothesized that causal raying is possible, but nopony’s ever produced tangible evidence! I could write a paper on you! Several, in fact.”

“Who the heck are you?”

“Oh, sorry. I’m Moondancer. I’m the Element of Magic.”

“No you're not. I know the Element of Magic.”

“Oh, really? Could you describe her? What’s her mass in kilograms?”

“Like I’d answer that.”

“What if I offered you this?”

She floated a ring on a chain in front of Radish’s face. Radish’s eyes went wide.

“My engagement ring!” He reached out for it, but she floated it back out of his reach.

“You can have it back if you cooperate with my research.”

“Would that get me out of this cell?”

“Of course not. You’re a convicted criminal.”

“Convicted? I haven’t even been charged.”

“Well,” she said, adjusting her glasses, “while some might find Princess Celestia’s changes to the justice system to be controversial, many have pointed out that the reforms are already producing benefits, such as increased efficiency and reduced costs.”

“What was that? That sounded rehearsed.”

“The point is, I can’t let you out of that cell.”

Radish brushed his mane over his ear and leaned close, flashing a friendly smile.

“What if I promised you I’d be a good boy?”

Moondancer stepped back, stammering. “I…”

“I'll let you study me all you want. In depth. Just go get that little key and let me out.”

“But I…”

A flume of smoke entered the room. It popped into a scroll. She caught and read it.

“Oh, uh, I need to go. Here, take this,” she said, tossing Radish his ring. “I’ll, uh, be back.”

She left in a hurry. The mare in the cell scoffed. “Did you seriously think that would work?”

“I didn’t get this engagement ring by being un-charming,” Radish said, taking it off its chain to examine it.

“Well, don’t count on seeing your fiancée ever again.”

“Who are you?” asked Radish. “She called you a traitor.”

“Ugh, of course that officious little toady would say that. When I get my hands on her-”

“Your what?”

“Hooves. When I get my hooves on her, I’ll jam those ugly glasses of hers so far up her rear end, she’ll have to cough to read.”

“Okay, well, have fun with that. I’m out of here.”

“Out of here? ‘Here’ is the dungeons, genius.”

Radish held his ring’s chain in his teeth and whipped it at a spot on the wall beyond the bars that had just been out of his reach. He snagged it on a barely-perceptible switch carved into the wall. He pulled it, and the wall in his cell slid open, revealing a concealed passage.

“Whoa!” called the girl. “What is that?”

“I’ve spent a lot of time in these under-tunnels,” Radish said, replacing his engagement ring on its chain and putting it around his neck. “I know every hidden passageway down here. Whoever turned this room into a prison apparently didn’t realize this room is riddled with them.”

“Wait!” shouted the girl in the cell. “Can you get me out, too?”

“Why should I help you?”

“You don’t actually have anywhere to flee to, do you? I have friends in the city. You help me, they’ll help you.”

Radish paused. He eyed her carefully. “I feel like trusting you would be a huge mistake.”

“If you don’t take me with you, I’ll tell the guards exactly how you escaped. They’ll flood the tunnels with troops.”

Radish sighed. “Fine. Stand back from the walls.”

Radish disappeared into the passage, and the secret door slid shut behind him. A few seconds later, the back wall of the mare’s cell opened. She rushed into the passage, where Radish was waiting. He pushed the door closed again.

“Okay, now follow me, and no funny business.”

The orange mare grinned. “Of course. No funny business.”

Moondancer stared down at the large circular crystal table that had appeared in the middle of a field on the outskirts of Ponyville. Spike, her adoptive dragon brother, followed her, taking notes.

“You weren’t kidding, Spike. This is a curious anomaly, on a day that’s already been full of curious anomalies.”

“So, what are we looking at?”

“I don’t know, but I aim to find out.”

Moondancer cast a spell which enveloped the table in sparkles. The surface of the table glowed, then displayed a three-dimensional map of Equestria. The Equestria it depicted, however, was all wrong. She frowned.

“Go gather the rest of the girls. I think we’re in trouble.”