Disclaimer: The use of politics and political figures in this story is solely for entertainment purposes and does not imply any endorsement of either political party.
Ponies on Politics
The six ponies and Spike were sitting at Twilight’s library, watching the television set Twilight had successfully refurbished about a year ago. At first, the window onto the world of humans had frightened the little pony, but Pinkie Pie had tactfully explained to her what exactly humans were and why Twilight shouldn’t be alarmed.
“But Pinkie Pie,” Twilight had said, “they’re just so weird looking!”
“It’s okay, Twilight,” Pinkie Pie had replied, “they’re supposed to look like that.”
“And how do you know this?” Twilight asked, her face stunned as she watched one of these humans reporting on a devastating earthquake.
“Because I’ve seen them before, silly,” Pinkie Pie had explained. “Sometimes I can see them watching us, and I try to talk to them but they never hear me. I was scared at first, but they really aren’t so bad when you get used to them.”
“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it…” Twilight had said, shaking her head at the incredulity of the situation.
Eventually, inevitably, her natural inclination for research had led her to study up on these humans and the world in which they lived. It was stunning to find out that when Twilight had refurbished the old television set, the magic she had used created an inter-dimensional bridge, so that the television set was relaying channels from an entirely different world. Even Twilight, with her gifted intellect, could not fathom how she had worked out such a spell. She had written Princess Celestia about this strange phenomenon, but the princess had replied stating how proud she was of her student and how exciting this opportunity must be for her to learn about this strange new world.
With nothing more to be done figuring out why this television set was able to work, Twilight eventually grew more and more used to these humans and their world. She learned so much about the world’s problems, which included natural disasters, political upheavals, and violent crimes. But what interested Twilight the most was American politics. So fascinated was she by the constant debate and ideological warfare that she showed Spike her favorite channel, MSNBC.
“What is this?” Spike asked, watching a short-haired discussing the Affordable Care Act.
“That’s Rachel Maddow,” Twilight explained, “and she’s a genius.”
“What…is she?” Spike asked.
“She’s a human, Spike,” Twilight replied, realizing it would be a lot harder to get Spike accustomed to this new world than she had predicted. “They’re a different kind of animal with thoughts and feelings, like us.”
“They’re really weird looking,” Spike said. “How come I’ve never seen them before?”
“They exist in another dimension,” Twilight said, “and this television set is the only way to see what they’re doing.”
“What?” Spike asked, his jaw open.
“Just watch,” Twilight said. It took about a week for Spike to accept the idea that there was this world in which these strange creatures discussed American public policy. Like Twilight, Spike grew to appreciate MSNBC more and more, because it seemed to him like the anchors of those shows had a genuine passion for middle-class Americans.
Twilight showed her other friends these political channels and she was met with varying degrees of confusion. Pinkie Pie, of course, had no qualms accepting what Twilight told her about humans and the way their world worked. Rarity fainted when Twilight tried to explain that these people existed in a different dimension. Fluttershy politely accepted what Twilight was saying without really understanding what was going on. Rainbow Dash dropped her jaw in shock at what Twilight was saying, completely awed by what was happening. Applejack, however, remained skeptical of this magical television set.
“So you’re sayin’ that this here new-fangled device is like a portal to another dimension?” Applejack asked, not even sure of the own words coming out of her mouth.
“Precisely,” Twilight said, smiling in the hopes that Applejack understood at last what Twilight had spent a good hour trying to explain to her.
“Ah don’t get it,” Applejack said. “What kind of fancy magic did ya have to use to get this contraption workin’?”
“I…don’t really know, actually,” Twilight admitted. “It was kind of an accident.”
“Well, shoot, don’t think ah’ll ever get a satisfyin’ answer for that one, then,” Applejack conceded. “Good luck with your fancy gizmos, Twilight.” Applejack trotted out the door more confused than when she had come in.
As time passed, however, even she grew used to the idea of being able to watch these humans, even if she didn’t understand exactly how it worked. The other ponies were fond of the political discussions as well, and it was only inevitable that they would start debating politics amongst themselves. It just so happened that they had all gathered together one night to start watching the Republican National Convention, in which Mitt Romney was poised to accept the nomination for president of the United States. Right now they were watching his wife Ann Romney as she gave her speech to the delegation.
“A real tragedy, what that woman’s been through,” Rarity said. “It’s hard to believe she’s suffered so much and remains so strong.” Rainbow Dash scoffed at her.
“Really, you really think she’s suffered?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Do you know how much money that family’s got? She could afford the best healthcare in the world! And of course they think only the rich should be able to receive such benefits.”
“Excuse me?” Rarity asked. “Even with money, multiple sclerosis is still a terribly painful disease to go through. Do you realize how debilitating it is to have your own spinal cord attacked by your immune system?”
“Please,” Rainbow Dash said, “I can hardly sympathize with the woman who has more money than Celestia. She hardly suffers at all.”
“Now that just ain’t true,” Applejack said. “That woman’s been through struggles you’ve no idea about, so I would just shut your pie hole about it.”
“There’s pie?” Pinkie Pie asked, clearly not focused on the conversation.
“No, Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said, “Applejack told Rainbow Dash to shut her pie hole.”
“Oh,” Pinkie Pie said. “That’s not very nice, Applejack.”
“Ya shoulda heard what this pony was sayin’ about Ann Romney. It was disgustin’.”
“Do you want to know what’s disgusting?” Rainbow Dash asked while Applejack gave her a dirty look. “America is the only industrialized nation that lets its citizens go bankrupt when they can’t afford healthcare. Millions are uninsured and forty-thousand die prematurely every year because they don’t have insurance. The Affordable Care Act is a step in the right direction.”
“Please, you’re gonna start praisin’ Obamacare now?” Applejack asked. “Ya do realize he had to gut Medicare to pay for it, right? That puts seniors in jeopardy.”
“You’re crazy,” Rainbow Dash said. “The Affordable Care Act, which it should be called, helps everyone, including seniors. And the money cut from Medicare was a crackdown on fraud and wasteful spending anyway.”
“Really? Your just gonna write off seven-hundred billion dollars like that? Do ya realize how many bits that is?”
“No, not really,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Applejack,” Twilight said, “no offense, but it’s good that President Obama is finally investing in healthcare for every American.”
“Aw, phooey,” Applejack said. “Well, Mitt Romney said he was gonna repeal Obamacare, and more power to him for it. It’s about time government spendin’ got under control.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Spike asked. “Wasn’t Romney’s healthcare plan for Massachusetts the model for the president’s healthcare bill?”
“He made that decision on a state level!” Applejack cried, now quite frustrated. “What’s good for Massachusetts might not be good for the whole country.”
“And why not?” Rainbow Dash asked. “He’s just trying to dodge it so he can appeal to his base.”
“Pardon me, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, “but isn’t it a bit frivolous for the president to be incurring so much debt? Four billion dollars a day is a lofty sum, and the spending really needs to be put under control.”
“Um, excuse me,” Fluttershy said meekly, “but maybe we should tone things down a bit?”
“Not now, Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash said. “Look, I agree the debt is out of control, but you don’t balance the budget on the backs of the middle class. If you’re really serious about solving the debt crisis, raise taxes on the richest Americans. They can afford to pitch in their fair share.”
“So you’d punish success?” Applejack asked. “’Cause that’s what you’re doin’ when you say raise taxes on the wealthy. They earned that money and they have every right to keep it.”
“You sound like Paul Ryan,” Rainbow Dash said, “and it’s sickening. You do realize he wants rich people to only pay one percent of their income, right? Besides, you don’t get rich on your own. President Obama said that you didn’t build the roads and bridges that allowed people to travel to your business. You didn’t pay for the education of your workers. You have to pay it forward for the next guy that comes around.”
“That’s not what he said!” Applejack cried. “The president said, and ah quote, ‘If you have a business, you didn’t build that. Someone else made that happen.’”
“That’s out of context!” Rainbow Dash shouted back. “He was talking about roads and bridges!”
“A likely story,” Applejack said with a sneer.
“Um, girls,” Fluttershy said, “can we lower our voices please?”
“Applejack,” Twilight said, “if you had it your way, America would have no infrastructure and no educated workforce. The government pays for those things because nobody else will. That’s why these taxes exist.”
“That’s a real laugh, Twilight,” Applejack said. “There are private schools, ya know.”
“Private schools that are completely inaccessible to those who can’t afford it,” Twilight said. “These people need affordable access to education. That’s why the public school system exists.”
“Right, and ya can’t say the pledge in those ‘public schools’ ’cause Celestia forbid ya say ‘under God’ in a school, right?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Spike asked.
“I’m sayin’ the government attackin’ religion just ain’t okay! There’s no call for it.”
“Applejack,” Twilight said, “there is a separation of church and state. The founding fathers didn’t want to force their religious beliefs on anyone. That’s why the pilgrims left, to be free of religious persecution.”
“If I can butt in,” Pinkie Pie said. “I think it’s really sad when everypony argues so much about all of this.”
“Who’s arguing?” Rainbow Dash asked. “We’re debating.”
“Oh, okay,” Pinkie Pie said. “Well if we’re just debating, then I want to put my two bits in.”
“Okay, Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said. “What do you think about the school system?”
“I think only the people that use the public school system should have to pay taxes for it,” Pinkie Pie said, nodding her assent as she did so.
“That would make it no different from a private school system,” Twilight said. “The point of public schools is that everyone pays into it so the kids who can’t afford it have a chance to get educated.”
“Oh,” Pinkie Pie said, “I guess you’re right, Twilight…”
“Yeah, and you can’t just privatize education, Applejack,” Rainbow Dash said. “Then all the poor kids get left out of a good education.”
“Well someone needs to sweep the floors,” Applejack said.
“What did you just say?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Oh, ah’m sorry, was that too honest for ya? Look, let’s face it, ain’t everyone’s gonna get a good education. Someone’s gotta sweep the floors, don’t they?”
“Yeah, but don’t force the poor kids to do it!” Rainbow Dash said. “Some of them are smart enough to get their education but they can’t afford it!”
“Maybe we’re just getting a little too loud,” Fluttershy said.
“Now hold on,” Rarity said. “Rainbow Dash, you do have a point about poorer children needing an education. But if everyone was to go to a private school, then the schools could lower their costs of attendance for everyone.”
“You really believe that?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Did you not consider that they’d just keep the costs where they are so only the rich kids can afford to get in? They’re making out like bandits already. In fact, they’d probably raise costs now that they have no competition with public schools!”
“I think Rainbow Dash is right,” Twilight said. “My study of economics has taught me that when demand for a product goes up, the price rises due to a shortage in supply.”
“Don’t use your fancy mathematics to muddle the issue,” Applejack said.
“Well,” Rainbow Dash whispered to Twilight, “we can see why this one doesn’t believe in education…”
“What did you say?” Applejack asked.
“If I could say something,” Spike said. “I think schools should be merit based instead of money based. I mean, the top schools should only accept students with the best grades, whether they can afford it or not.”
“Then the wealthy students would have to pay more to accommodate the poorer students,” Rarity said. “Better to lower costs for everyone and leave a few of the less-fortunate out. Public schools do just as well for these poorer students anyway.”
“They don’t, and you know it,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Oh, so I take it you think the government-run schools are inferior to the private schools,” Rarity said.
“That’s not what I meant!” Rainbow Dash cried. “I’m saying we need to invest more in public schools to make them better. But where are our tax dollars all going? It’s the military budget that needs to be cut down.”
“Right, and then Russia will nuke America the first chance it gets,” Applejack said. “You can’t let the enemy win, Rainbow Dash. You gotta keep military spendin’ where it is.”
“Wow, Applejack, you’re just nauseating me right now,” Rainbow Dash said. “America spends way too much on the military and no one’s willing to talk about it.”
“We’re talkin’ about it,” Applejack said snidely.
“I meant no one in power,” Rainbow Dash said. “Ron Paul’s mentioned it, and as much of a libertarian as he is, I agree with him there.”
“But Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, “you do realize the economic impact such a cut in the military budget would have. The military-industrial complex is a huge part of the American economy. It’s what brought that country out of the Great Depression. You can’t just cut it out or millions of people will lose their jobs.”
“People are losing jobs now,” Rainbow Dash said. “The budget’s out of control, and I refuse to believe you have to cut Medicare and Social Security to balance it.”
“Social Security ain’t nothin’ but a scheme,” Applejack said. “You pay into it in order to get your money back later? Why not just save that money for myself instead?”
“That’s not how it works,” Spike said. “I thought Social Security was you paid for the older generation to reap the benefits, and then the younger people pay for you when you retire.”
“Well, look at how many older Americans are trying to collect now,” Rarity said. “The system is going to go bankrupt because too many Americans are getting too old too quickly. The program needs an overhaul.”
“You’re right, Rarity,” Twilight said. “Start by eliminating the cap on paying into it. Right now only the first hundred-and-six thousand dollars is taxed. Why stop there? Just tax all of your income. And then why not means test the program so millionaires don’t have to reap the benefits?”
“Twilight, my dear, you can’t ask rich people to pay into it and get nothing out of it when they retire, can you?” Rarity asked.
“I suppose you have a point there, Rarity,” Twilight said.
“No she doesn’t!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “You’re not paying for your own benefit; you’re paying for the next generation. There shouldn’t be a guarantee that you’ll get out what you put in.”
“I do hope you’re not serious, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said. “It’s a lot to ask for someone to pay into a program they can’t benefit from.”
“Okay, I might see that argument for Medicare, maybe,” Rainbow Dash replied, “but I can’t justify rich people using that either.”
“Medicare is optional,” Rarity said. “You don’t even have to take it if you don’t want it.”
“So why are Republicans talking about gutting it then?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Hardly seems fair to the people that need it, does it?”
“Okay, I’ve heard it twice now and I still don’t know, what’s Medicare?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“You’ve been quiet,” Rainbow Dash said.
“I’ve been listening,” Pinkie Pie said, “but I really don’t know what you girls are talking about.”
“That’s okay,” Rainbow Dash said. “Rarity and Applejack don’t really get it either.”
“Ah beg your pardon!” Applejack said. “Ah know perfectly well what ah’m talkin’ about.”
“That makes it worse,” Rainbow Dash said. “So what, you’d actually gut Medicare?”
“The word we’d prefer to use is ‘reform,’” Rarity said. “President Obama cutting seven-hundred billion dollars to fund Obamacare, that’s gutting Medicare.”
“We already discussed this,” Twilight said. “But to answer your question, Pinkie Pie, it’s a program that helps senior citizens pay for healthcare they can’t readily afford.”
“It’s an entitlement program,” Rarity objected. “Really, Twilight, you’re being far too sparing here.”
“The program,” Twilight said, now getting irritated, “is meant to help senior citizens, as I said.”
“Well, that seems like a really nice thing to do,” Pinkie Pie said. “Why get rid of it again?”
“Well, um…” Applejack said, not sure how to answer. “That’s beside the point.”
“Are you kidding me?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Girls, I really think we should reconsider talking about this stuff,” Fluttershy said, but yet again nopony heard her.
“Maybe we should change the subject,” Twilight said, “as we clearly aren’t agreeing on anything here.”
“Thank you…” Fluttershy said.
“How about gay rights?” Twilight asked. “What’s your take on them?”
“Oh no…” Fluttershy whispered to herself. Finally, Spike seemed to notice Fluttershy’s distress.
“Come here,” Spike said, just as Applejack was shouting about the Bible punishing sodomy by turning men into pillars of salt.
“What’s up?” Spike asked.
“I wish the others would stop discussing these things. There’s so much arguing going on that it’s really painful for me to listen to.”
“Well, I agree it’s getting out of hoof, but what can we do about it? They won’t listen to you.”
“I say this calls for drastic measures,” Fluttershy said.
“And what gives the Bible any credence over the way the government is run?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Gay people should have every legal right that straight people do. It’s clear in the Constitution.”
“But don’t you find it a bit uncouth?” Rarity asked. “I mean, the idea of homosexuality makes me feel uncomfortable, personally.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it!” Rainbow Dash protested. “They shouldn’t be punished over something they couldn’t even choose for themselves.
“What do you mean, ‘they couldn’t choose?’” Applejack asked. “It’s an alternative lifestyle and it ain’t fittin’.”
“It’s a biological predisposition,” Twilight said.
“What was that codswallop that just came outta your mouth, Twilight?” Applejack asked. “Ah have no idea what that means.”
“It means Twilight thinks that gay people were born that way,” Rarity said. “I suppose you have a point there, Twilight. Who would choose to lead such a barbaric lifestyle?”
“You’re unbelievable, Rarity,” Rainbow Dash said. “This is the so-called Element of Generosity here, let me remind all of you.”
“Generosity has its place,” Rarity said. “Besides, you’re the one who condones abortion. Not very generous to kill an unborn foal, is it?”
“I’m not saying that!” Rainbow Dash argued. “I’m saying it’s none of our business what a mare chooses to do with her body.”
“Abortion is murder and you can’t deny it!” Applejack cried.
“Applejack, the unborn foal can’t even survive outside its mother’s body. What kind of a life is that?”
“That defenseless creature needs to be protected!” Applejack said.
“Over the life of the mother?” Rainbow Dash asked. “What if it’s a case of rape or incest? You won’t even consider those options, will you?”
“It ain’t okay to play God with your own foal,” Applejack said.
“I do believe Applejack has a point,” Rarity said. “As horrid as those scenarios are, Rainbow Dash, they’re not so severe as to condone robbing an infant of life. If the mother’s life were in danger, I can see why an abortion might be necessary in that case.”
“Well, at least you aren’t totally unreasonable,” Rainbow Dash said. “You know what gets me? Why do you say you’re all pro-life when you also support the death penalty?”
“Ya just can’t take a chance with a mass murderer, Rainbow Dash. What if they escape and kill again? The death penalty saves lives.”
“The death penalty murders,” Twilight said.
“Oh, don’t get started with your intellectual rubbish,” Applejack spat.
“Excuse me!” Twilight shouted. “I’m hardly the one spouting filth here!”
“Oh, and what’s that supposed to mean?” Applejack asked.
“That was way out of line,” Twilight said. “If you think that poorly of my intellect, why do you even bother hanging out with me?”
“Because ah didn’t realize you were such a left-minded nut,” Applejack said. “You’re kookier than my granny after she’s had a few too many hard ciders.”
“I could easily say the same about your right-wing insanity,” Rainbow Dash said. “No abortions in cases of rape, I mean, really? You’re out of your mind.”
“Applejack is perfectly rooted in sanity,” Rarity said. “I believe it is you, Rainbow Dash, who is out of your mind.”
“Girls, I’m so confused,” Pinkie Pie said. “When did we start insulting each other?” This time Pinkie Pie was the one to be ignored.
“Next, these liberal lunatics will be sayin’ we need to tax the wealthy more to pay for their ridiculous social agendas.”
“Why not tax the people who can afford it?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“I knew it!” Applejack said. “It’s class warfare against the wealthy all over again!”
“Hardly, it’s simply practical,” Twilight said. “You won’t get any money out of the people who don’t have it.”
“Well, why not simply cut back on the spending?” Rarity asked.
“When we mentioned the military budget, you’d hardly budge on it!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Now who’s being unreasonable?”
“That’s enough,” boomed a voice from outside the library. The balcony window opened to reveal Princess Celestia’s majestic form entering the library. Everypony bowed down instinctively and ceased their fiery debate immediately. Fluttershy and Spike finally returned to the room.
“Um, Princess Celestia,” Twilight said, “what brings you here?”
“Your friend Fluttershy was in distress and wrote me a very concerning letter,” Princess Celestia explained. “Apparently you were getting carried away discussing politics. Is this true?” The four ponies who had most participated in the arguments-Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash-contemplated the princess’s question and thought of all the hurtful things they had said to each other.
“I’m very disappointed in you, Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia continued. “When you first told me you had discovered this window to a new world, I was overjoyed for the discoveries that awaited you. Had I known such discovery would lead to this, I would have withheld my enthusiasm.”
“Princess, we got carried away. I know I didn’t really know what I was saying,” Twilight said.
“I wanted you girls to stop,” Fluttershy said, “but nopony would listen to me. So I did the only thing I could think of, and wrote to somepony you would listen to.”
“I can hardly blame you, Fluttershy,” Rarity said. “I was saying some despicable things just now.”
“Me, too,” Applejack said.
“I agree you were saying horrible things, Applejack,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity cried.
“Oh, I mean, yeah, I guess I said some things I wish I could take back…” Rainbow Dash conceded.
“I think it safe to say you four learned a valuable lesson today. Care to tell me what it is?” Princess Celestia asked.
“Well, when we started following politics,” Twilight said, “we had no idea how heated our discussions would become and the kinds of things we would say to each other. Looking back, our exposure to politics has done nothing good for us, and we’d best leave it to the humans to deal with their own issues. Friendship isn’t worth the ideological warfare we put ourselves through today, and we should refrain from any future political debates for the sake of our camaraderie.”
“Well said, Twilight,” Celestia said. “Does everypony agree with her sentiment?”
“Yes,” the other three ponies said.
“Good. I think you’ll understand if I take this television with me. I daresay you have no use for it any longer.”
“If you say so, Princess,” Twilight said.
“Good. Have a wonderful evening, my little ponies.” With that, Princess Celestia vanished in a flash of magic, leaving the ponies to apologize to one another and repair the damage that had been done during their arguments.
