Staying at the clubhouse all by myself is boring, painful, and sometimes scary. My heart feels crushing disappointment as I see other fillies and colts filter in one by one for their scheduled Cutie Mark consultation only to leave in depression when they see the notice on our door which explains all appointments are canceled today due to an emergency. Most of our clients arrived by themselves but a few arrived in groups. Because of that, I am able to overhear them while they are in close range. That is why I am able to hear exactly what I expect to hear; disappointment over the canceled appointment but also concern over the reason for the cancellation. That alone raises worried speculation.

My heart grows heavier and heavier with each client that is forced to turn away because there is nothing I'd rather do more than help them with their problem instead of sitting here all alone while feeling helpless, scared, and useless. I feel as if I'm failing my cutie mark destiny. It's so painful to go against my nature.

But I can't help it right now. If they see me as I am, I might scare them. I hate how unpleasant that would be for them but it likely would also invite further trouble upon me. I need to wait while my club sisters sort all this out. Until then, I have to be patient. That's the last thing a foal wants to tell him or herself.

I know the door to the clubhouse can't actually lock. That is true for most of Ponyville as well. We're a trusting community and largely consider locks to be pointless. There are some exceptions, however, largely because of the unusual frequency of dangers that have been attracted to this town ever since Twilight first moved in. I know that no pony blames her per se, but it's hard to ignore a reasonable degree of caution as a result.

The cancellation sign is the only real thing holding any of our clients back. Most of my mind is convinced that should be enough, but just in case, I hide in our smaller upper floor where we have our telescope. The reason being is if anypony decides to get too insistent, curious, or concerned, then if they peak into the clubhouse, they won't immediately spot me because I'm not there. As for the ladder leading to the upper floor where I am at, I have that entrance blocked by a platform and I'm also resting on top of it. That's the closest thing I can do in this situation to lock myself away.

I really can't shake off my fear. Starlight and Button Mash might be hurt. It's killing me to wait here with nothing to do other than dwell on my concerns for them and myself. My only consolation to those facts is my club sisters are moving out to investigate those situations and I have absolute confidence in them. If there is any way to accomplish those goals, they'll do it. It's reassuring to know they'll almost certainly come back with some answers. It's nearly inevitable. It may be very painful to wait right now, but it's comforting to know there is a strong chance this wait will result in a useful payoff.

I smile so brightly that it almost brings a tear to my eyes. I love my club sisters so much! It just feels so good to know how much I can count on them.

I don't exactly know how much time passes while I wait. It feels like hours at least.

No, it feels like days. The stress is killing me. I really wish I could help or do something useful instead of sitting here and worry all the time.

Since I have this time to myself, however, I occasionally use it to dwell on the possibilities as to why this is all happening to me. Most of my mind is leaning on the theory that all of this is because of some unexpected magical mishap due to Starlight's experiment. I have no doubt that Starlight didn't do this on purpose. Something else “weird” must have happened.

But that's what bothers me the most. What is the “weird” reason all this happened? The way Starlight reacted indicates there was a factor to the experiment she completely didn't account for and therefore had no way to prepare for it. The thing is . . . what could it be?

The mystery is killing me.

One fascinating but also deeply disturbing thought is the possibility that my family is, and always had been, changelings. If that's true, then it means my parents, my sister and I have always been changelings but, if that's true, then they certainly kept that secret from me for some reason. Maybe when I was very, very young, they coaxed me to take a pony form somehow but thereafter never taught me how to revert back or take any other form. They raised me to think that I'm a normal and naturally born unicorn. Maybe they did it because they were trying to hide and rebel from the evil changeling society at the time.

Then, when that same society got converted into good, my parents, and possibly also my older sister, continued to protect the secret because it became a habit by then. Maybe they were also embarrassed and ashamed to admit their secret at this point. They knew I thought I was a naturally born unicorn and figured they didn't want to take that thought away from me. Maybe they were going to let me die of old age without ever finding out the secret.

One thing I have heard about evil changelings is that they always feel driven to feed off of love and they were typically starving all the time back then. Maybe my parents realized there was another option. Maybe they realized that if they could assimilate themselves into pony society and pretend to be a pony from then on, the love they'd produce for each other could sustain them indefinitely. As a result, their need to feed on love got replaced with hunger for regular food like salad, hay fries, and such.

If all of this is true, then I'm bothered by the fact they kept this critical secret from me. It would have been fascinating to spend all of my youth years exploring the various forms I could have taken.

And how can I explain my cutie mark? Isn't that proof that I am a true and natural pony? Changelings can't get true cutie marks, but they can fake it. Maybe, when I got my cutie mark, I subconsciously tapped into my changeling shape-changing magic just that once and simulated the acquisition of a cutie mark.

If that was true then that feels deeply disturbing but in a fascinating way.

Another thought that feels really disturbing is the way changelings reproduce. To the best of my knowledge, if my family really have been changelings all along, then my parents are not really my parents but instead my older siblings!

I, uh . . . I can't really hoofle that thought right now. It fries my brain.

If all of this is true, there is a chance my older sister Rarity didn't know this either. Maybe the secret was withheld from her, too, or she could have forgotten. I'm even leaning on the fact that my older sister didn't know. If she did know, why would she insist on Twilight using magic on her to give her wings so she could visit her good friend in Cloudsdale and cheer for her during a Young Flier's competition? When Rarity gained those butterfly-like wings, which were indeed very beautiful to behold, she couldn't help but brag about it to my parents and I. I felt so jealous of her back then. I even begged to be enchanted like that so I could join my older sister in Cloudsdale as well, but then my big sister said that the spell was too complicated for Twilight to repeat at the time and they insisted I needed to focus on my schoolwork instead. Boy, I was so bummed back then.

However, none of this makes any sense if Rarity knew she was a changeling all along. In that case, she could simply morph wings on herself at any given moment and she never needed to remove them. The only reason I can figure, at this time, is she concealed that knowledge in order to blend in. Maybe my parents secretly yelled at her for changing her form until she assured them that Twilight's magic is the only reason she gained those wings in the first place.

But . . . that still doesn't add up. When her wings evaporated due to flying too close to the sun, why would she withhold her changeling abilities when she was literally falling to her potential death? She didn't know Rainbow Dash would save her that day by finally performing her legendary Sonic Rainboom for the second time in her life. Surely this is a situation that was urgent enough to compel her to change forms if she knew she could.

Could that be the problem? Was she aware she could change but hasn't done it for so long that she forgot how?

Surely there must have been many other situations she encountered where changeling magic would have come in hoofy during yet another emergency. There were probably many instances like that. I have a strong feeling that she hasn't told me every detail of her adventures because she was afraid of scaring me. She'd have a point, too. If I knew how dangerous her adventures were on a regular basis then I'd probably indeed be very worried for her.

As it stands, by reflecting on every grand accomplishment of hers that I am aware of, I am mostly filled with pride instead.

There is, however, one problem between us when it comes to her and her adventures.

Well, I lied. There are actually two things.

Number one; it has been inconvenient at times. If she wasn't gallivanting off to some grand adventure again, maybe she could have spent that time with me instead. Sometimes I miss her, and do worry for her too from time to time, but I'm mostly filled with confidence and pride in her.

Number two; noticing how grand her accomplishments have sometimes belittled me. I don't completely feel envy for her life. Many times, had I been in the same situation while facing down other monsters like King Sombra and the like, I would have given those adventures a hard “Nope!” My friends being in danger is the only reason that could have convinced me to endure trials like that. In that regard, I suppose I identify with Fluttershy more.

Nevertheless, despite all the love and pride I feel for her, I also sometimes feel like I'm lost in her shadow. It's just so wide and thick. Many times I've read about her recent exploits in the newspaper.

“EXTRA-EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY HAVE SAVED US YET AGAIN. IS THIS NEWS STILL EXCITING TO YOU ALL, OR HAVE YOU GROWN TOO ACCUSTOMED TO THIS BY NOW? PLEASE LET ME KNOW! EXTRA-EXTRA!”

Legendary heroic quests are not the only impressive feat of my older sister. Many times she has accomplished great feats all on her own talent. In cases like that, it is largely stuff like the success of her business and gathering more momentum in the fashion industry. She has succeeded in her goals so many times and in so many ways that I sometimes forget how much she worked and stressed over this fact. Rarity has very much earned her success, but I am in awe of how grand she has accomplished her goals these days. It makes me wonder if I could ever match up to such lofty standards.

My greatest consolation is the fact that I genuinely enjoy the work I am accomplishing and it's satisfying to know that this really does feel like enough. I don't need to accomplish my goals on an epic scale if the end results of my efforts now result in true happiness for me and my precious friends.

But now . . . now everything is in flux and I feel very flustered as a result. Things like this help me to realize that, unlike my older sister, I am not a true adventurer at heart. The search for my cutie mark destiny and every trial I've endured therein is about as far as I can comfortably go. Back then, sometimes even that was too much. I definitely wouldn't have pushed myself that hard if it weren't for my friends joining me on that journey. Not only did they make it fun, or at least tolerable, but it compelled me with a sense of duty. If they were willing to tolerate all this hassle for the sake of self-discovery then I could do no less. I owed them for that. They are so immeasurably good to me that it felt like I had to do it just out of sheer gratitude that they were and still are my dearest friends.

However, it's one thing to pursue goals like the ones we had for the sake of self-discovery and quite another to do it for the sake of true mortal danger. I've been in those situations a few times and every single time I keep getting severely worried that I'm not strong enough or brave enough to succeed during a moment when it so critical to succeed. In most of my past adventures, if I failed, I could just get up and try again. But, in instances where true mortal danger is involved, I might get only one shot. If I miss it then I could die. My family and friends would be so devastated if that happened! Knowing that adds so much stress on me that I feel threatened to collapse under the pressure.

That is not my only fear, either. What if I survive but with a permanent injury? What if my legs or horn gets so damaged I can never trot or cast magic again?

Worse, what if I survive, but my friends don't? Am I strong enough to live with the torment of their loss ever onward? I'm sure it would feel like I'm missing a critical component of myself from then on. That stress could be so severe that maybe I wouldn't want to live anymore. Even if I do, maybe I'd never be able to reclaim the same kind of joy I used to get.

All of these are very valid reasons why I question my ability to hoofle severe, life-threatening levels of pressure. I'd question and worry about failure too much. That alone might cause that which I'd fear.

My present circumstances are simply further evidence of this. With all the recent changes occurring in my life, my heart deeply longs to return to my comfort zone. I'll do what I have to when I have to, but I derive no true joy from all of this stress. Not enough to accept this on a regular basis. I really am an adventurer at heart but I have limits. Severe, kid-friendly limits. The fact that my older sister can push herself so well and so far while under the same kind of pressure just makes me admire her more while, at the same time, making me feel unworthy and inadequate. My friends and family keep telling me they love me just the way I am, but I still can't help but compare myself to something greater sometimes. I just can't help it. That's part of who I am.

Some ponies, I know, really are addicted to this kind of lifestyle. Daring Do, fictional or not, is a great example of that. Admittedly, I don't read her adventure novels all that much because I prefer fairytale and romance books, but I hear Rainbow Dash brag about her enough to get the jist of it. It is enough to know for sure that some ponies get their cutie marks specifically for adventuring careers. They probably love the adrenaline rush of it. They do it for the excitement and the idea of accomplishing something important. Something that must be done and few other ponies, if any, could possibly accomplish in their place.

Scootaloo's parents are like that. They, too, are driven towards dangerous careers. So severely so that they left their daughter behind to make sure Scootaloo doesn't get killed because of their career. Her parents can hoofle it, but obviously they'd question the abilities of a little foal even if she did get a similar cutie mark. As a result, they left her someplace safer until she gets old enough to make more mature decisions for herself.

It is unending and deeply fascinating to notice and feel that every pony has an important place in the world. The journey of self-discovery is an adventure in its own right, but unlike me and my fellow Crusaders, most ponies don't get their cutie marks specifically because of that journey. Instead, they'd need help, otherwise, it would take them longer to discover their destiny and/or lose their way during that journey. They need help, and we, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, comfortably and gladly fill that niche.

But now what? What am I going to do if I'm stuck as a changeling for the rest of my life? Will I still be able to get along with all of my friends and family? Am I even capable of becoming a mother?

It sure would make things easier if I could use this race’s ability to do what they do best. If I could learn how they change their forms, then I can use it to revert to my previous form and thereafter leave it alone. Not much has to change if I could at least simulate my previous form.

If only.

Author's Note

A low-key chapter that puts the entire emphasis on internal dialog. Since this is a first-person perspective story and Sweetie just went through something traumatic, I figured I'd give one chapter that shines a spotlight on her reaction to this whole affair. This is a pause in the story that allows everything else to settle down and gives Sweetie a chance to internalize what just happened to her and what it might mean. This is a period of exploring feelings, internal reflection, and questions without answers.

Welcome to the mystery and mind-bending genre.