There's a WHATquestria?!

BEEELCH. "Haaack cough cough cough..!"

Everyone bounced on their hooves, waiting impatiently for Spike to recover from gagging out another letter. Perhaps because of his nerves, perhaps because of the size of the letter, and perhaps because he had spent a week or two listening to Twilight frequently discuss his sexual fertility and "alone time" schedule, this time he looked like he might actually throw up.

"C'mon Spike!" Rainbow Dash pressed, then paused. "Geez, you okay?"

"Just dying," Spike croaked between coughs. "Done this for ten years, I'll be fine."

"You haven't choked this hard since the Equestria Games Anthem," Dash tilted her head with what passed for worry for her but looked more like indignant deadpanning to anyone else.

"Thanks for your concern, Rainbow Crash," Spike coughed, looking over the letter and regaining his breath. "So. Girls." He took a deep breath and sighed. "I told you so."

"Crap," Starlight smacked the Cutie Map with one hoof. "We can't let her go anywhere by herself! What'd she do."

"It's a little hard to understand Princess Luna's Ye Olde Mad-ish, but... I think Twilight's in jail," Spike summarized.

"What?!" the girls cried.

"Jail?! What'd she do?! Grope somepony?!" Applejack objected, both hooves to her head in frustration.

"... grope the Princess?" Rainbow Dash ventured warily. She would normally have been clocked in the head for such a comment, but under the circumstances, she was given only a panicked glance, after which everyone turned to Spike, silently begging him to deny that this was the charge.

"Um," Spike blinked. "Give me a minute to translate... She gave Celestia a very lengthy greeting that repeatedly called out certain features of hers."

"Oh no," Fluttershy breathed in horror, hiding her face.

"Do you girls think we shoulda seen this coming?" Pinkie asked the ceiling with a hoof on her chin. "Because she 'honors' girls with big boobs and no one has bigger boobs than Princess Celestia who is also our Twilight's most revered figure in the whole darnaroony world? I think we shoulda called this one," she frowned.

"Oh shut up, Pinkie," Rarity scoffed. "You let her bless Mrs. Cake so her udders wouldn't sag."

"I totally did," Pinkie looked away with pigeon-hooves and a grimace.

Fluttershy's eyes brightened with hope. "B-but wait! Can't we --"

"Before you ask," Spike cut her offf, "If any of us try to back up her story, she'll toss us in prison too, and we'll all have to undergo something called 'dowsing'... some kind of examination for hexes?" Starlight paled and began shaking.

"But once we're clear," Rainbow Dash pointed out, "She'll know we're telling the truth. Right?"

"Do you want a metal rod the size of your leg up your ass, Rainbow Dash?!" Starlight suddenly shrieked.

"E-excuse you," Applejack paled.

"N-n-no?" Rainbow Dash leaned away from her, terrified.

Spike quietly retrieved a quill from a nearby table and ignored the goings-on.

"Because that's what a dowsing is!" Starlight continued raving madly, waving her hooves. "They stick it in you! BZZZZT!" She shuddered. "Still buzzes," she ranted to the wall, cradling herself and rocking. "My butt still buzzes when I poop."

"Wait, what?!" Rainbow Dash squealed. "That's what they -- when did you --" her eyes widened in shock. "Did we do that to you?!"

"When you took me in, yes," Starlight confirmed, still cradled up. "They ruled me mentally unsound and I got dowsed for hexes. Us redeemed villains are very reluctant to go evil again and that's a big, big reason that goes in your ass why. Cozy Glow is so lucky she got on-the-spot justice, the dowsing rod is as thick as her body. and I know that that little bitch is 'mentally unsound'."

"Mm-hmm," Spike nodded absently, scritching away at parchment.

"Can't they at least use the coochie?" Dash wrapped her wings around herself. "The coochie's not as tight, right?"

"Oh not this again," Fluttershy growl-mumbled, hiding her face in her wings.

"Fer you, Rainbow Dash, I doubt it makes a diff'rence," Applejack scowled. "How tall're you aginn? Four hands?"

"Four-and-a-half." Dash pouted back.

"Can't hardly fit a caterpillar's dinger in there."

"What!" Dash objected. "Do caterpillars even have dingers?!"

"Letter's done," Spike called. "I want you all to look it over so you can't blame me if we get dowsed."

They crowded around him at once.

To the royal sisters,

We are horrified and appalled to hear what has happened and wish only the best for the two of you and for Twilight. We assure you that we are not affected by the conditions that have conduced her to behave this way.

When Spike told us about the previous letter she dictated, we were mildly concerned, but we did not detect anything obviously wrong with her besides nervousness and excitement. We regret not accompanying her in order to possibly mitigate or avoid this gross violation of your dignity.

We believe we know what caused this to occur and may be able to solve Twilight's situation within the next few days. Please be gentle with her, she is not her normal self. We hope you can forgive her for this tragic incident.

Always yours,
~The Girls and Spike

The girls looked between one another, considering.

"If she thinks we know what's goin' on, Twi won't git doused," Applejack reasoned.

"It definitely ought to look to the Princesses like we are denying everything," Rarity approved.

"So we won't get doused," Rainbow Dash sighed with relief.

"But will Twilight know we've got her back?" Fluttershy fretted. "She must be devastated. She needs all the support she can get."

Rainbow Dash snorted in laughter and refused to elaborate on why.

"Fuff it," Starlight sighed, her legs shaking. "Fuff it." She paused, breathed in and out, and gave it a third go. "Fuff it, I lived through it once, I can survive it again. Fire away."

The others nodded. Spike saluted and delivered the letter.

"If nobody wants to get hurt, none of you accidentally touch my tail until this is over," Starlight warned.