The Infuriating Misadventures of Darkstar Lightbringer
Twilight Sparkle woke up, confident that today was going to be a good day and that nothing would go wrong whatsoever. Then she saw an alicorn stallion with a black coat and a red mane standing at the far end of her bedroom, and all of that confidence vanished in an instant.
“Umm, who are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?” Twilight asked groggily, still trying to clear the morning cobwebs from her eyes.
“My name is Darkstar Lightbringer!” the alicorn said. “Master of magic, slayer of dragons, committer of petty theft! Your younger brother, remember?”
“I’ve literally never met you before in my life,” Twilight said.
“Lies! We’ve known each other for as long as I can remember!” Darkstar stormed out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Twilight followed him, as she hadn’t had breakfast yet and that staircase was the only way to the kitchen.
Twilight walked into her kitchen and turned on the stove. She cooked some haycakes for herself on the stove, trying desperately to not see the strange pony claiming to be her younger brother who was also in her kitchen. She failed.
“What are you making, big sis?” he asked.
“Go away,” Twilight responded.
Suddenly Twilight Sparkle saw her father, Night Light, walk into the kitchen. Whatever, she thought. It wasn’t as if this morning could get any weirder.
“Twilight! Are you getting along with your brother?” Night Light asked.
“I don’t think he’s even my brother!” she said. “Do you even know him?”
“Of course! I remember all of my children!” Night Light said. “You, Shining Armor, the gecko, and Jimmy!”
Darkstar stamped his hoof in protest. “My name is Darkstar Lightbringer, Dad!”
“Hey Jimmy, would you mind taking out the garbage? It’s getting kind of full over there.” Night Light gestured to a small wastebasket next to the refrigerator, which was indeed overflowing. Darkstar said, “Argh!” and stormed out of the kitchen.
Darkstar walked down the road away from Twilight’s crystal palace. He shook his head. Jimmy. As if he could be called by any stupider a name, he thought.
As Darkstar walked along, Discord sat on a bench on the side of the road, eating from a hearty bag of prawn cocktail crisps.
“What’s cracka-lackin’, Jimbo?” he called out, to which Darkstar immediately blew him to dust with a blast from his horn.
“My name is Darkstar!” he said. He then said, “Argh!” and kept walking, as if nothing had happened.
Darkstar kept walking until he made it to Town Square. In front of Town Hall, Mayor Mare the mayor of Ponyville was giving a speech about something or other. A light bulb went off in the master of magic’s head, and, when the speech was over, he walked over to the mayor, tipping his fedora.
“Good evening, fair mare of the podium,” he said.
“It’s morning,” Mayor Mare said.
“Whatever. I was wondering if you would compose a speech for me, to sing my praises to the ponies of your fine town.”
“Erm, who are you again?” she asked.
“I am Darkstar Lightbringer!” he said. “Bane of the Royal Sisters, Future King of Equestria and Twilight Sparkle’s younger brother.”
Mayor Mare thought for a moment and realized that things weren’t adding up. “Wait, but, Twilight Sparkle doesn’t have a younger brother...”
“Lies!” Darkstar blasted the ground in front of him with his horn, which was enough to get Mayor Mare to cower. “Here’s what you’re going to do. You will get up on that podium, and you will proclaim my greatness before the ponies of Ponyville. And you will say my name as you do it! Understand?!”
Mayor Mare nodded nervously. She was sweating bullets as she climbed up the steps and got behind the podium in front of Town Hall. She cleared her throat. “Fillies and gentlecolts, may I have your attention please?” Many of the ponies milling about Town Square turned their heads to listen to what their mayor had to say next. “I would just like to honor this pony I met two minutes ago. He tells me he is Twilight Sparkle’s unknown younger brother. Let’s give it up for Jimmy!”
Suddenly, Mayor Mare felt something grab hold of her neck as she was lifted high into the air. She was turned around to face Darkstar, who was very slightly completely livid. “My! Name! Is! Darkstar!” The future King of All Equestria threw the Mayor into the wall of Town Hall. She tried her hardest to catch her breath as she fled in terror. “And don’t you forget it!”
It was at this point that everypony who had heard the speech wanted to do one of two things: run away in utter terror or punch Darkstar in the face. Fortunately for the future King of Equestria, everypony chose to do the former, even though they really would’ve liked to do the latter. Everypony except for one exceptionally pink pony.
“Hi there!” Pinkie said. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around Ponyville before. What’s your name?”
The master of all forms of magic groaned. “My name is Darkstar Lightbringer,” he said. “Destroyer of armies, scourge of the nations, maker of Equestria’s best grilled cheese sandwich. Don’t you dare get it wrong!”
Pinkie pulled out a notepad and a pencil and began to write. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, very nice to meet you, Joe!”
It was at this moment that steam began to shoot out of Darkstar’s ears. “My name! Is not! Joe!” he said.
“Oh. “Pinkie stroked her chin. “Then who’s Joe?”
Darkstar could barely contain his laughter behind his furious expression. He may have been angry, but he knew he would only get this chance once in his lifetime, and he decided to go for it. “Joe Mama!”
Time stood still. Pinkie’s mind beeped and whirred like a computer as she stared off into space, trying to process what had just happened. Then, to Darkstar’s surprise, Pinkie furrowed her eyebrows angrily, and she bared her teeth in a growl. The earth beneath him began to shake. The sky grew overcast, covered in a layer of deep pink clouds. Pinkie’s eyes began to glow pink as she floated into the air.
“Nopony insults my mom like that!” Pinkie’s voice echoed a thousandfold. “I know who you are, Mister!”
Darkstar was taken aback, but soon grew to laugh in utter bewilderment. “Alright then, enlighten me. Who am I?”
“You are an aberration in time and space, a blight on the universe that should not exist! In the name of Equestria, I will punish you!”
A beam of bright pink light shone down at Darkstar from the clouds, and before he could even get a word in, he was disintegrated.
Twilight Sparkle woke up, confident that today was going to be a good day and that nothing would go wrong whatsoever. She was right.
Author's Note
I have once again done the stupid.
