Russian soldier met everything and won everything, but not this time.
Luna lighted up the last candle as she was trying to remember the last words of the spell.
«Now it has to work.» she said to herself. It was her fourth attempt this week, but she was not giving up. She must find a way to another world.
Well, she thought so.
Circle began to glow and Luna was swallowed by darkness, giving a sense of being lost in space for a few seconds. Even though her eyes and ears stopped working for a minute, she still could hear someone talking in the distance.
She opened her eyes, seeing two very strange creatures, pointing strange black sticks at her, and both of them were covered with clothes with a particular name for it, but she couldn’t remember how it was called.
Cama… Camu… Camouflage, there it is!
«Where am I? Who are you?»
«Ебать, говорящая лошадь!»[1]
***
«What? I can’t understand you.»
Princess was examining the aliens. Well, it was a wrong way to put it since she was a guest in another world, not them.
«Серёга, ты блять слышал это?»[2]
«Чётко и ясно, как выстрел из тридцатки…»[3]
One of the creatures hung its stick on his shoulder and squatted down near the Princess, while she was still sitting on her haunches.
«Ты откуда, летающая и рогатая[4]?» He asked.
«What? I can’t understand your language.»
«Да она реально говорит!»[5]
«С хуя ли это она?» [6]Asked the second one while still standing and pointing with, apparently, a metal thing on the Princess.
«Да по голосу же слышно.»[7]
«По голосу и наш комбат – пятилетний ребёнок. Подними её»[8]
«Ну-ка, осторожно» He took the Princess in his hand and lifted her up.
«What… What are… What are you doing?!» She started to blush, as the creature that was holding her started looking at her cavity under the stomach.
«Бля, да это оно походу.»[9]
«А тебя не удивляет, что ты её вообще поднял своими двумя[10]?» asked the second one, approaching creature. «Пиздец, реально, нихуя».[11]
«Погодь секунду[12]» The creature that was holding the Princess put her down. «Ты смотри, у неё ещё и волосы летают. Ну просто охуеть.»[13]
«Да тут не охуеть, тут звонить нужно по нужным инстанциям.»[14]
«Как думаешь, сколько весит?» [15]Said the first one, taking the Princess by her flanks.
«Hey, what are you doing?!» She started screaming when he lifted her.
And she was red again.
«Не больше тридцати, наверное… Ебать, да она же краснеет!»[16]
«Блять, вызывай нашего ротного, это совсем уже пиздец.»[17]Said the first creature as he was looking at the glowing-red Princess, but she turned her head away.
«Я полсотни первый, у нас тут проблемка[18].» Said the second as he pushed a button on some kind of a compact radio.
«Полсотни первый, что у вас там[19]?» repliedavoicefromthespeaker.
«Вам самим лучше посмотреть, товарищ лейтенант, встретимся у бараков[20].»
«Блять, что вы, долбоёбы, опять натворили[21]?» Said an annoyed voice, seemingly, the third one.
«Maybe it’s a world where monkey moved far beyond and became a highly intelligent species?» thought the Princess, when two creatures started moving and she made herself comfortable in hands of one of them.
She is not going to set her own rules here, but in a moment of danger she will be ready to use magic. But for now it seems good, though not as she planned. Luna was hoping that she will overcome the language barrier, but she didn’t know how yet.
***
«Вот, товарищ лейтенант, вот это чудо[22].» He put the Princess on the ground.
«Ебать, что это за выродок чернобыльской катастрофы[23].» stated the third one, maybe, it's their commander.
«Так она ещё и говорить умеет[24]!» said the second one looking around.
Around them were maybe thirty of the same species, looking at the Princess with interest. Not ready to make any malicious intent, but with a simple desire to talk to her.
But she can’t say even a word in their strange language!
«Да ну, пиздёжь[25]!» Said the third one squatting down. «На русском?»[26]
«Да хуй его знает, видимо, на английском[27].»
«Erm, hi?» Princess said as she waved her hoof.
«И ведь никто из вас, долбоёбов, не знает его[28]?» Commander said as he turned his head to his subordinates.
They approached the Princess keeping very short distance between them, many of them didn’t hesitate to pet her, to scratch between her ears or chin.
Luna… Likedit?
«Так, ёбаный ваш рот, построились нахуй, быстро[29]!» Said enraged commander.
Luna saw as thirty aliens lined up before him. Princess stayed aside.
«What about me?... Should I do something?» Luna asked, but she was ignored.
«Серов, отведи её нахуй отсюда[30].»
«Товарищ лейтенант, она появилась буквально из ниоткуда[31]!»
«Мне поебать! Просто уведи её отсюда, а то дал всем отлучку на пару десятков минут.» [32]Commander looked at his watch. «Мне нужно идти в штаб, чтобы отчитаться. Чтобы, блять, окопы были выкопаны через десять минут. Понятно?[33]»
«Так точно!» [34]said all of the thirty aliens.
After commander left and a minute or so passed by, sixty eyes locked at the Princess.
«Кто первый?»[35]
***
Princess drowned in caress. They scratched her behind the ears, stroked her stomach and back, but it rather made her nervous, because the time was short, and Celestia would notice her absence.
«Please, let me out, I have to go» Luna said it with a smile on her face.
«А хоть кто-нибудь знает, что она говорит?»[36]
«Она просит больше!»[37]
After five minutes or so the Princess was bored being a plush toy, so she has decided to dart between soldiers’ legs.
Yes, it’s soldiers, because the Princess heard that word in their conversation. Apparently, both the Princess and the soldiers had something in common!
Luna started running away from them, trying to teleport back home and restore her body after that session of group hugs.
«Куда ты…» [38]Said the soldiers looking at her with sadness, but not trying to chase her.
«Good luck to you…» She started to cast the teleportation spell.
«Солдаты Российской, блять, Федерации, где окопы?!» [39]Someone screamed at the distance.
With nothing but a small chuckle Luna disappeared in a flash, losing the sense of orientation once again.
***
«Luna.»
Dark alicorn jumped on the spot and hit the ceiling, getting stuck midway through it.
«Where have you been?» Celestia asked while looking at Luna’s legs.
«Doing some errands.» Luna answered trying to get out, her voice sounded muffled.
With a loud crack coming from the ceiling, she finally sat on the bed.
«I want to talk…» Celestia said coming closer.
«DON’T HUG ME!» Luna fearfully shouted, jumping to a wall.
«What happened to you?» worryingly asked Celestia.
Luna sat down and started to… cry?
«They… They hugged me so much that… I’m an introvert, this is not the way I like it…»
Celestia tried to come closer and wrap her wing around her, but Luna abruptly took off in a window. Unicorn’s face now decorated the moon above.
«Let’s say that it all was Nightmare Moon.» said Celestia.
«But it’s like a situation from an anecdote!» was heard from a hall
«Yes, and this is why we will start this with words “Once upon a time…”»
[1] Fucking hell, a talking horse!
[2] Sergey, did you fucking hear it?
[3] Loud and clear, like it was a shot from 30mm (Author’s note: 30mm is a nickname for BTR-82)
[4] Where are you from, a flying and horned one?
[5] She really is speaking!
[6] Why the fuck it’s “she”?
[7] I can hear it by the voice.
[8] By the voice our battalion commander is a five years old. Lift her up.
[9] Fuck, apparently, it’s “it”.
[10]Didn’t it surprise you that you could lift her with your hands?
[11] Fucking hell, there is really nothing there.
[12] Wait a second
[13] Look, her hair is flying. Fucking impossible.
[14] We must call the scientists, and not saying «fucking impossible»
[15] How much does her weight?
[16] Not more than 30 kilos maybe… Holy shit, she is blushing!
[17] Fuck, call our platoon commander, this is way too fucked up.
[18] I'm half-hundred the first, we've got a situation.
[19] Half-hundred the first, what happened?
[20] It’s better for you to see yourself, comrade lieutenant, we’ll meet at barracks. (Author’s note: after the revolution in 1917 there was no such a form of appeal like «Sir». Only «comrade».)
[21] Fucking imbeciles, what did you do again?
[22] Here comrade lieutenant, this miracle here.
[23] Fucking hell, what an offspringof Chernobyl catastrophe.
[24] She can speak!
[25] Bullshit!
[26] In Russian?
[27] Fucking don’t know, maybe in English.
[28] And none of you, idiots, know it?
[29] Fucking line up, now!
[30] Serov, get her the fuck out of here.
[31] Comrade lieutenant, she literally came from nowhere!
[32] I don’t give a fuck! Just get her out of here, you gave a nap for everyone for a few tens of minutes.
[33] I have to go to the HQ for a report. You must dig out fucking trenches in 10 minutes. Got it?
[34] Roger that!
[35] Who is the first one?
[36] Does anyone know about what is she saying?
[37] She’s asking for more!
[38] Where are you…
[39] Soldiers of the Russian, fucking, Federation, where’s the trenches?
Author's Note
If someone will tell me how to create working footnotes, then I will do it, but for now it’s fucked up.
Also sorry for the punctuation if it’s wrong (I’m sure it’s wrong). English doesn’t have strict rules as there are in Russian. Or I just don’t know about it.
