The Drunk, The High, and The Sober

by B_25

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1537

Spike is drunk. Twilight is high. Rainbow is sober. This sort of trio has never happened before. And it's up to the sober to get the others home.

Spike is drunk. Twilight is high. Rainbow is sober. This sort of trio has never happened before.

And it's up to the sober to get the others home.

[Cover by Sea-Mass!]

Published 2021-08-09 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-09 01:50:02 UTC

An Unlikely Night

The Drunk, The High, and The Sober
B_25

Rainbow Dash looked right to see a baby dragon—in everything but age—currently drinking a bottle that babies especially should not have. Then she glanced to her left to see Twilight Sparkle—nerd of the century—munching deliciously away at brownies.

Her first words were: "This sucks."

Rainbow Dash then bonked her forehead into the bar's counter. Bottles and plates rattled from the impact. Seconds later, another bonk knocked the wood, prompting Rainbow to glance through the mess of fallen, rainbow hair at the dragon.

She blew aside the limp mane. "Why'd you do that?"

Spike's left eye cracked open at her. "Same reason as you."

Both their faces sank against the wood.

"These brownies taste funny!"

Then, their faces turned left, looking at the happy alicorn. Golden light from the lamp overhead dressed Twilight as she devoured the last brownie. Wiping a crumb-covered hoof on her chest, she glanced at the empty plate with a raised eyebrow. "Why did Tree Hugger say only to eat two? Those things were great!"

Spike and Rainbow's faces scrunched against the counter as they glanced at each other.

Similar squeaks followed as they returned their focus on the naive princess.

"I guess pastries can be pretty calorie-dense," Twilight rattled as her shoulders lowered. "But I'm good with my weight, and I'm not on a diet either." Her head then fell sideways, and her eyes were skyborne. "Huh. Why do I suddenly feel funny?"

Twilight fell facefirst onto the counter. There was a giant clatter before the princess closed her eyes, not wanting to see a now-swirling world. In the pregnant moments that followed, she mumbled and groaned, crossing her forelegs over her belly, locking herself in a hug.

"...Rainbow?" Spike's voice muffled from being pressed against the wooden counter.

"Mhm?"

"I can't take care of this." He hiccuped—and came dangerously close to doing something else. "I'm drunk."

"I know."

"Rainbow?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm too drunk to take care of myself."

"I know that too."

"What else do you know?"

"Tonight's gonna suck."

"Is there anything you don't know?"

"...that the other four would bail."

"Would you still have come?"

"Some questions are best left unanswered."

Rainbow's first task was to get the high—and the drunk—out of the bar. Spike was trouble. He wobbled in the opposite direction of the entrance. Instead of going forward, he stumbled back.

Rainbow stuffed her face with a hoof. "Okay. Try stumbling backward, now."

The little dragon standing before her hooves shook his head, blinked, and then nodded in correction. He tried walking backward, but stumbled forward instead, heading toward the door. Rainbow smirked. "There ya go!"

Then his legs crossed, and he fell, landing next to the dead body of Twilight Sparkle.

She had suddenly fallen off the stool and onto the ground. Dazed, and curled into herself, her eyes drooped, and her mouth hung open. Sometimes her eyes wandered away from each other and fixated on random things.

"Ma'am?"

Rainbow Dash looked to the bartender, who tossed her a broom. She raised on two legs to catch it. He nodded before turning away.

"That should help with the mess."

Rainbow slumped and brought the broom to both of their ends. Pushing, added with flaps from her wings, she moved on their rumps and swept the two to the door.

"Don't vomit."

"I promise."

"Don't vomit."

"I promise."

Rainbow Dash took a step and felt the dragon shift on her back, the sound of bile rising in his throat and exiting through his mouth. Tiny particles splashed onto the sides of her left hooves. She stopped and sighed.

"I vomited."

"I know."

"I avoided your mane."

"Thanks."

"...mostly."

"Y'know... you're such a good, super... super duper... duper nuper good friend."

"Appreciate that, Twilight."

"No, like. W-We shouldn't even be friends. You're cool; I'm a nerd. You should bully me."

"I don't bully."

"Why not? You seem like a bully."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"But you have all the qualities of one!"

"Except the bullying part?"

"Well, sometimes you bully in little ways... but everypony has their flaws."

"So much for being flawless."

"Why don't you bully?"

"Because showing ponies how they suck wasn't fun for me. I like being better than others." Rainbow sighed as calm winds carried the night within them. The soft splashing of the central fountain wasn't far away. "But not enough to want to shame Fluttershy in any way. She already got enough of that as a kid."

She then stomped another step forward, with a rope tied around her barrel, the other end, tied around the barrel of Twilight. The princess was dragged across the dirt, leaving a spread of her frame behind. Giggles came in every step.

"That's why you're not a bully! Someone you cared about got bullied, so now you don't bully!"

"M-Maybe?" Rainbow exhaled back as her breath was captured in a mist. A lock of her mane was being twirled in a talon. Spike had become enveloped with the green that was in her hair. "It's more like I prefer competition. You have to prove yourself in that. Your words don't mean squat—unless you can back them up."

Twilight cheered and beat her hooves into the dirt. She was then dragged down another set of steps. "That's it, then! The hollow joy of bullying wasn't for you! It was always a guaranteed victory!"

"Something like that."

"Why are you my friend, Rainbow?"

Rainbow blinked and glanced over her shoulders, over the fallen head of a drake, past the top of his spines to the mare dragged far behind. "Why wouldn't I be, Twilight?"

"It makes sense now, because I'm a princess, and I have p-power." Twilight burped and hiccuped and gagged on the aftertaste of the duo. "But before. When I was only a nerd. I... I didn't bring much to the table. Yet, you were my friend."

She sighed. "All of you were."

Spike groaned. "I didn't have a choice."

Rainbow noogied his head. "Enough outta you."

She then shook her head. "And back to that. I... dunno, Twi. I don't really think about friends that way."

"But you could have hung with cooler, more popular ponies!"

Rainbow shrugged. "As much as I may love myself, I've already dealt with others out there like me." Her hooves pawed at the ground, and she watched them do so. "Don't ya ever wonder why Fluttershy was my best friend before you girls? It's nice to have ponies drastically different from you."

"Is that why you were my friend, then?"

"It was one of the reasons, maybe, I dunno." Rainbow shook her head and carried on. "I just do as I do, Twi. I hang with ponies I like and I kinda stop when I don't like them much. I don't really think. I just do. I go on what I got."

Twilight bellowed from behind. "A mare without self-consciousness!"

"Not totally." Rainbow scrunched her face. "But I liked ya because you were different."

Twilight laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"Hehehe! It's just... hehe... I... I always thought... I always thought that I would never have friends because I was different!"

Rainbow rolled her eyes, although she smiled, and continued on carrying the two through the night.

"You're pretty."

"Not sexy?"

"You're more pretty than sexy."

"Should I be insulted?"

"Depends on what you like more... or what you like me seeing you as."

"Take it things haven't gone well with Rarity?"

"Who wants to date a baby?"

"Only because you're acting like one."

"That the answer to all my problems?"

"No. But it'll help with a few."

"How do I be cool?"

"Don't. Show off when the moment seems right. But just be yourself."

"He's not good enough."

"Not good enough yet. You think I was this great as a filly?"

"A Sonic Rainboom says yes."

"And a Sonic Rainboom is something I had to work toward. I've come a long way since then too."

"How?"

"When you run your mouth, you put yourself on the line, and it's extra logs to the fire to prove yourself." Rainbow leaned her head and nuzzled the dragon through that. She'd grown in such a way that showing affection wasn't the end of her career. "You have to be willing to risk yourself, Spike. To take that hit and to make that dive. It'll hurt. And it'll be tough. But you have to be willing to do something to become someone.”

"So I have become a someone, then?"

"To other ponies? Maybe." Rainbow chuckled. "But to us, you're already enough."

The castle had been locked, and Rainbow couldn't care to look for the key, leaving the two at the towering doors. Twilight was curled into herself, sleeping, with the dragon tucked into her forelegs and held against her breathing chest.

Rainbow looked at them with a chuckle. It wasn't fully right to leave them on display for the passing ponies of the next day. But she also knew events like these, something different from the usual, pumped life back into the hollow days.

Turning away, she flapped her wings, and soared to the sky.