Let's Talk Shit About Our Exes Two: The B Squad

by Rainy Daze

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Trixie, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Discord, Sunburst, Maud Pie
Length: 1943

Starlight and her friends have a gossip session about their exes!

After overhearing Twilight and the rest of the mane six having a gab about their exes back at the castle, Starlight inadvertently gets her own friends into the same situation.

An ongoing series in which all and any possible ships are likely to have already happened. As well as a companion story for 'Let's Talk Shit About Our Exes'.

Note: Profanity tag is for the single use of one word throughout the entire story, as well as its censored use in the title and cover art. No other expletive language is featured in or planned to be featured in any and all future chapters.

Published 2021-08-08 20:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-08 20:30:00 UTC

Good Thing We Never Do Anything Like That, Right?

Starlight Glimmer hoofed it down the streets of Ponyville as fast as her legs would take her. Why she didn’t just teleport to her more than familiar destination was a mystery. Soon enough, however, she reached the Ponyville Hay Burger. She opened the door with a ring of the bell and after completing the awkward ‘doorway’ shuffle with an exiting purple pegasus, she finally spied the booth where her friends were waiting. On one side were Maud, Mudbriar and Sunburst, and on the other sat Trixie and Thorax.

Starlight approached her friends, her mane was frazzled and she fumbled with her bags before scooting onto the bench next to Trixie. “Sorry I’m late guys, I got a little overwhelmed with a project back at the castle,” she said.

“Oh don’t worry, we haven’t been waiting that long,” said Thorax.

“Technically, we’ve been waiting for thirty minutes which some might say is a long time to wait for somepony,” said Mudbriar. This was followed by some awkward looks around the table.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t leave without finishing up what I was working on, then I had to tidy it all up and when I went to ask Twilight for help she and the girls seemed really busy,” said Starlight.

“What were Pinkie and her friends up to?” asked Maud.

“Knowing Twilight, probably some strangely high concept altercation between some ponies that seems big but is actually solved with a very obvious lesson,” said Sunburst.

“Actually, it seemed like they were just having a little gab about relationship troubles; sounded like they were talking shit about their exes,” said Starlight with an awkward smile.

“Hear anything good?” Trixie nudged Starlight with a sly smile.

Starlight blushed, “I didn’t spy on them Trixie! But, well…” Every creature leaned in as Starlight got quieter. “It did sound like things were getting pretty heated between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, and not necessarily in a bad way if you know what I mean.”

Everycreature nodded as if this was something to be expected.
“Those two are so getting back together,” Trixie rolled her eyes.

Thorax chuckled, “Hoo boy, good thing we never talk about anything like that right everyone?”

No one replied, and everycreature tried to avoid eye contact with each other.

“I’m down if you guys are,” said Maud.

“Oh yeah for sure,” said Starlight.

“Definitely, definitely down,” added Trixie.

“Yep,” said Thorax

“Absolutely,” nodded Sunburst.

“If you’re down, I’m down,” finished Mudbriar.

A shimmering pop was heard, “Yes, yes, I’m game for whatever it is we’re planning this week my treasured friends, which would be?” asked Discord.

“Discord!” cried Thorax, Starlight, and Trixie with a sense of worry, excitement, and vexation respectively.

“You’ve decided to join us...” Starlight trailed off awkwardly.

“For once,” added Trixie.

Discord became disgruntled and stopped floating above the table and instead stood at the end of it. “What exactly do you mean, ‘Oh Great and Sarcastic Trixie’?” he asked.

“You haven’t hung out with us since our medal ceremony,” chided Thorax in a rare move of assertiveness.

“Have you ever even met Maud?” asked Trixie as she gestured to the grey mare.

“He has, at the gala, where he made an embarrassing attempt to win back Fluttershy after she dumped him,” replied Maud.

Discord fumbled out an incoherent babble of sounds before finally making sense. “What are you talking about? That was nowhere near when we dated!” Discord said as he crossed his arms.

“Oh,” said Maud, “I don’t know if that makes it more pathetic or less.”

Everycreature shared a good laugh, besides Discord of course.

Starlight wiped a tear from her eye, “If you would like to stay Discord, we were just about to have a little gossip session about our exes. I’m not sure where you can sit though, we’re filled up here.”

“Oh that won’t be a problem,” said Discord as he shrunk down onto the table. “See? I don’t take up much room at all!” he said as he sat in a doughnut like an inner-tube.

Trixie looked down at the miniature lord of chaos, “Um, I was going to eat that.”

“Oh really?” Discord snapped his finger, “Well now you are eating it!” He laughed as Trixie suddenly found a doughnut in her mouth, which she was happy enough to finish. “If it’s crazy ex stories you want then I’m just the hybrid being of pure chaos you’re after,” he said as he leaned back and clasped his paw and claw behind his head. “So,” he sipped from a tropical drink that appeared in his hand, “Who’s going first?”

“If your stories are so great then why don’t you go first, Discord?” asked Trixie.

Discord raised his sunglasses from his eyes, “Me? Oh please Miss Great and Powerful, surely we should save the best for last. Why not you instead?” He finished with a slightly sinister grin.

“I second it,” said Starlight.

“I third it,” added Thorax.

“Fourth it,” said Sunburst.

“Fifth,” said Maud.

“And sixth,” finished Mudbriar.

“What?!” yelled Trixie.

“Sorry Trixie, looks like you're up first,” said Starlight with a smile.

“Before that,” interrupted a regular sized Discord who appeared. “Ahem, a little privacy please?” he chastised while looking at the booth behind their’s, he then floated three young fillies up with his magic for the rest to see.

“We ain’t doin’ anything bad!” cried out Apple Bloom.

“Yeah we’re just sitting here,” added Sweetie Belle.

“Leave us alone!” Scootaloo pouted.

Discord shook his head and tut-tutted, “I know all about you three and your little Anon-A-Miss fiasco.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at each other confused.

“Anon-A-Miss?” said Apple Bloom.

“What are you talking about?” asked Scootaloo.

“Don’t you mean Gabby Gums?” enquired Sweetie Belle.

“Gabby Gums?” Discord asked perplexed, “Oh I see, it seems I’ve mixed up my realities once again, my sincerest apologies,” he bowed effusively.

“Does that mean we can stay?” asked Apple Bloom who had become stuck upside down and couldn’t correct herself.

Discord chuckled, “Of course not, you’re still a bunch of little blabbermouths aren’t you?”

“Um, who’s looking after you girls?” said Starlight, “What are you doing at a diner this late?”

The CMCs realised they’d been had. The magical bubble of Discord’s magic popped and three fillies fell to the floor and Discord had a smug grin as they walked the trot of shame out the door.

“We’re going, we’re going!” Scootaloo moped.

“Please don’t tell Rarity,” Sweetie Belle pleaded.

Apple Bloom looked back, “We’ll be good, honest!”

“Just get home you three,” scolded Starlight.

“Yes, surely it must be past your bed times, no?” mocked Discord who was suddenly wearing a nightshirt and cap and holding a teddy bear and candle holder.

“Worst honorary crusader ever,” said Scootaloo under her breath.

“Well, now that that’s out of the way I believe Trixie was about to regale us with a tale?” said the miniature Discord.

“Which one?” asked a proud Trixie, “The Amorous and Desirable Trixie has had many romantic exploits to tell of.”

“Well, who was your first?” Thorax suggested.

Trixie was stunned. “Um, no, anypony but that.”

“Oooh I smell something good,” sang Starlight.

“Spill the tea, sis,” said Maud.

“Dish, girl,” added Mudbriar.

“No, I can’t,” Trixie became more flustered.

“What is it, Trixie?” asked Starlight.

Trixie leaned over to Starlight, and whispered into her ear.

“You dated Limestone Pie!” yelled Starlight.

“Starlight!” yelled Trxie in kind, “Not in front of Maud!”

The two unicorns looked at Maud and she said, “I was unaware of this and would like to know more.”

“How didn’t you know?” asked Sunburst.

“She was away studying for her rockterate at the time,” replied Trixie.

“And Limestone isn’t the social butterfly that I am, she rarely discusses her private life,” said Maud.

“Talk about learning to love yourself, am I right?(!)” joked Starlight.

“What exactly are you implying?” asked an annoyed Trixie.

Starlight wasn’t going to back down. “I mean there’s the grumpiness,”

“The bossiness,” added Mudbriar.

“Prone to jealousy,” continued Maud.

“The voice!” finished Starlight.

“Please everyone, let the poor girl finish,” said Discord.

Trixie sighed, “During my exile after the… incident with the Ursa Major-”

“It was an Ursa Minor as I heard it,” said Discord.

“Whatever!” groaned Trixie, “Anyway, nopony would take my magic act seriously and I had to take a job at the Pie family rock farm. It was not a good time for me.”

“And so you sought comfort in the kind and nurturing embrace of my sister?” asked Maud with a sarcastic smile.

Trixie blushed a little, “I may have a thing for mares with a bold streak.”

“Or perhaps just mares who like to be in charge,” Mudbriar chuckled.

“Like ones who enslave entire villages?” Thorax asked.

“Or try to cause the downfall of Equestria using time travel?” finished Sunburst, with the boys having a good laugh at the end.

Starlight sat straight faced.

“Something the matter dear?” asked Discord.

Starlight took a deep breath and sighed, “I never meant to cause the downfall of Equestria; it just happened to work out that way.”

“No, you just wanted to use time travel to ensure that the ponies who put a stop to your village enslavement never met each other; that’s much better(!)” Trixie joked.

“Why am I the one on trial here?” Starlight clammered, “You’re the one who dated Maud’s sister!”

“If you could share more details on how my sister is to date I’d appreciate it, especially at the next family reunion,” said Maud.

Trixie jumped at the chance, “Let’s see, she would always have the last word on anything, she always picked where we’d eat, and of course she always decided what we did afterwards.”

“This is not much in the way of new information,” replied Maud.

“Oh well, did you know she cried when we went to see ‘Barley and Me’? I also had to hold her hoof through all of ‘The Changeling’,” said Trixie.

“Remake or original?” asked Thorax.

“The one from the neighties,” Trixie replied.

“Oh yeah it’s way scarier,” Thorax nodded, accompanied by Sunburst and Mudbriar.

Trixie continued, “She also always got butterflies in her stomach whenever I called her ‘my little key lime pie’ and used my-”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Starlight interrupted.

“There’s that bold streak Trixie seems to adore so much,” said Sunburst as he nudged Mudbriar.

Starlight just stewed in her seat.

“Of course it didn’t work out because we were both just far too focused on our careers,” said Trixie.

“Yes, yours being an out of work, outcast stage magician at the time and hers being that of a rock mover-arounder; I can see how those wouldn’t allow for much of a romantic life,” Discord mused.

Trixie joined Starlight in her brooding with both of them sharing a similar grimace across their faces.

Suddenly, just the right comeback popped into Starlight’s head. “Are you seeing anyone at the moment Discord?” she asked with a cocksure smirk.

“Perhaps one of me is,” Discord turned around with genuine curiosity and the gang saw one of his doppelgangers having a more than friendly chat with a server pony at the counter. The second Discord proceeded to turn and wink at the rest of the group. Discord raised his glass in response. “He’s doing so well without his wingman tonight, you have to be happy for the guy,” he smarmed.

“If that’s all Trixie’s got to say about Limestone should we move on?” asked Sunburst.

Trixie turned to Sunburst with a sly look and said, “Sounds like you just volunteered.”