Huy Is Magic

by Spectre-srs

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Sex
Length: 5505

There is no huy in the land of Equestria, but boy ain't he gonna introduce it, insistently

Huy was his backbone, his philosophy, the pillar of his old life! And even if he'd lost his huy in this new one, his huy had remained in his heart, and he still can give out his huy to this world, metaphorically. Transcendentally f**k their brains, so to say.

This story does not contain sexual scenes, but the gay protagonist still can't stop thinking about them. This story, however, touches and builds its humor on a lot of gender-related topics, twisted grotesque, so be advised if you have sore spots in the field.

An offsite friend concluded it was still enjoyable in english, so here we go.
Also available in russian.

Published 2021-08-09 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-09 21:00:01 UTC

Huy Is Magic

However many ventures that old faggot had partaken in, never had he experienced lunacy quite like that before. Vladislav Keyman was just returning from a quite fruitful orgy in his gay club, when his path crossed with a speeding truck coming his way.

“Blya!” he thought, and as he always did, shat himself.

“Oh bother, what now,” was Keyman's first thought (and mine too - an author's commentary).

Feeling dizzy, he collected his strengths and tried to rise. Pulled his head from under water, and inhaled like he'd never breathed before. An inept marvel that he hadn't drowned.

Blinking, he tried to locate himself. All around him stood pretty buildings of a small town with ornate decorations in bright colors. Streets were filled with pedestrians, walking in a dog position with an attractive wag to their naked butts. It was a sunny summer day and, like a final stroke, a six-colored rainbow flowed down from a cloud just above the horizon.

“Am I in heaven?” Keyman said.

“Uhh, nah, you're in a fountain,” someone said.

Keyman turned to look, and saw a bent over naked cowboy in a hat looking at him in confusion. Then turned the other way and saw a pillar beside himself, shooting a spray of liquid upward from its top. The sights filled Keyman's soul with delight and a natural desire, which he reached to fulfill, but...

“Where's my huy? Where's my huy! Who stole my huy?!”

Keyman tumbled backwards, whiping up the water between his legs with wild abandon.

“Your what?” Cowboy tilted his head with brows furrowed.

“There it is, shaggy as usual,” Keyman said in relief, gripping the sought end further down than he expected.

Having calmed down, like the beat up water did, he saw a reflection forming in it. An elongated red face with messy black hair and bright blue eyes, staring at him with a familiar insatiable desire. And he liked it.

He received a sense-bringing slap to his cheeks, breaking the spell.

“Ya said you've got somethin' stolen from ya?” the cowboy said.

“Nah, found it,” Keyman said, and tried to stand up, promptly plunging back into the water. “Blya!” he thought as he did.

He checked himself.

“Nihuya I'm mangled! Knees are shrunk, ankles grew, nose had swollen! And my huy got stuck in my ass!”

“What huy are ya talkin' about?” The cowboy furrowed his brows again.

“My ohuennuy huy!” Keyman said, yanking himself by the named with such force he did a somersault.

“Oh, ya mean tail!” The cowboy chuckled, and playfully swayed his own huy. It was hairy to the point of needing a hairband to keep it in order. Keyman got so transfixed by the sight that he missed another slap to his cheeks.

“No, no, precisely huy! How can human have a tail?”

“What human? We are all ponies!”

Keyman tried to imagine himself as a pony. No, can't be, how can it even be? It's either huy or tail, and Keyman knew his priorities well. He took another look at the street, with tempting citizens walking with an alluring bent to their gait and an assertive angle to their huy. And every single one of them had a huy!

“I'm in heaven,” Keyman concluded. “Let's copulate!”

“Eh?” The cowboy tilted his head the other way, then shook it. “Whatever ya mean, I ain't got no time for that. I've got a full day of sweatin' back at home waitin' for me.”

Keyman gave a thoughtful nod.

“I apologize, I'm new and don't know all the etiquette yet. Where can I learn more about this heavenly place?”

The moment the castle doors had opened and his sight had taken in the owner's visage, Keyman gawked, frozen in awe. And only a prompt double slap to both of his cheeks had brought him out of stupor.

“Hello, what's your name? I'm Prince—”

“Huy-head!” Keyman ohuel.

The prince faltered.

“I'm sorry, what?”

“You've got a huy on your forehead! Your highness!”

Keyman knelt before the deity.

“It's called a horn, and is used for magic...” the prince said, gesturing at his forehead.

“Yeah, you can say so.” Keyman nodded, and then ohuel completely, gawking at the prince's rear. “You've got two!”

“Right, keeps callin' it a huy too,” the cowboy said, prodding the thing on Keyman's red ass.

“Oh, finally some action I see!” Keyman said, touching the cowboy's in return.

This time he clearly saw who slapped him.

“Please, take it in your hooves! Big Mac's waitin' for me to work on the barn door, and I'm here with a huy stuck in my head.” The cowboy made a pleading gesture. “I'm late as it is, and he doesn't like it when he has to do everything on his own.”

“Hmm.” The prince already flipped through some book. “Not a single dictionary has an entry with such phonetics and I can't trace the etymology... How do you spell it?”

“He, oo, short i,” Keyman proudly declared.

“Short i...” The prince frowned, looking back into the rustling book. “If only 'huay', which originates from...”

“You're just not looking in a right book, take the anatomy reference!”

The prince exchanged a perplexed glance with the cowboy, and with a simple huy gesture summoned another book. Such an ohuennuy trick had hooked Keyman and he, mesmerized, followed the prince into his enchanted library.

“...And such, unicorns use it for casting magic!” the prince said, spinning a random dragon on his huy for demonstration.

“No no no, huy should be between the legs! And sometimes in the ass, but someone else's, and that's when the real magic happens,” Keyman said with an edifying hoof gesture.

“But huy only can be in your own... ass,” the prince said with a frown. Somehow 'ass' was the only word he had difficulty with pronouncing.

“Oh, it's a very complicated trick and even I, no pun intended, haven't deeply mastered it yet.” Keyman winked.

The prince just stared back, with brows furrowed and lips collected as if in an unasked question.

“Yes, it quite definitely can be put in mouth too,” Keyman guessed.

“Oh, Applejack does it all the time.” The prince shook his head with a chuckle. “Grips so tight you can't hope to escape.”

Keyman imagined that, and promptly got his cheeks slapped.

“Some particular technique?” he asked.

“Oh no, more of an... Audacity.”

Keyman gave a wistful nod. And since techniques were mentioned decided to brag about his own.

“By the way, there is a special technique that can turn your huy into a weapon! Yes, true and real!”

“You mean...” the prince glanced at his butt, then at his forehead. “Oh! I know combat magic as well.”

The prince then swung his huy to spray the wall with a pink jet, its force leaving a scorch mark.

“Blya!” Keyman thought. Just thought.

“Great,” the dragon said. “And when I do that by accident, I get punished.”

“A controlled blast to the wall is not nearly as bad as what you did with that book,” the prince said, shooting the dragon a smug look.

Keyman collected himself, deciding it was his turn to turn on and cast some magic, and reclined on his haunches to release the huy forth.

“Let me demonstrate. The left hand must be free to perform the grab...”

He looked at his hoof. Flexed it, unflexed. Concluding that it would do, he performed the grab.

“A patented CQC wanking system permits you to finish yourself and finish off your enemy all within a single motion.”

And he performed the motion. Then, confused by the lack of a result, another one. Then he began to frantically rub his huy in a search for the required sensations, to no avail.

“Maybe you just need a bath...” the prince droned.

Keyman let go of his huy and willed it to wag. The huy obeyed, brooming the floor with long black hair. Frankly, it really looked like a tail, but that only meant...

“If this isn't huy, then where is it?! Where's my huy! What kind of a heaven is this without a huy?!”

“If you mean the other huy—” the prince squinted at his forehead, “—it's unicorns' prerogative, and you're clearly a pegasus!”

Keyman turned to gawk at his wings.

“But I'm a man!”

“What? But in that case shouldn't you have a...”

“Huy!” Keyman raised his forelegs hoof-side up, giving the prince a piercing stare. Then, just to be sure, searched his forehead with them. “Nahuya with no huy?! This isn't heaven, it's hell!”

The prince tapped his chin in deep thought.

“Looks like a rare case of dysphoria, when born into one race dreams to be another... Or...”

Keyman, offended, stretched tall on his haunches.

“I never had such dreams! My huy and color were perfectly fine!”

The prince already rustled through yet another book.

“Heaven... A place of rapture and infinite bliss from old legends...? Oh wow...”

Peeking out from the book, the prince studied Keyman's thigh with an evaluating expression, giving him a brief arousal.

“Hmmm... Your cutiemark even looks like a slightly bulged horn...”

“Yes! That's what huy looks like!” Keyman shouted, pointing at his ass. Then proceeded to rub his discovery, but instead of the huy that erected his wings, giving him a good slap to his cheeks on both sides.

“Alright, it's all coming together,” the prince declared, slamming his book shut in perkish satisfaction. “Another ancient legend reaches fulfillment! You say you came here from a distant world? That means you're a messiah, coming to enlighten us about huy! I'll immediately arrange a royal meeting!”

Keyman spared half an ear for the rulers of Equestria to introduce themselves, barely hearing them over the roar of his impudent arrogance he was filled of to the huy and over with. He, Keyman, sits at the same table as mighty princes of an entire world, whom he will educate about huy! Finally he, the great thinker, is revered as deserved! And even if he had to give away his huy for this opportunity, he'll give his huy out to this world, metaphorically. Transcendentally fuck their brains, so to say.

“Not in vain have I spoke in this administration, for I edict a tremendous proclamation: introducing the huy into Equestrian civilization!”

Prince Playboy Collector clapped his hooves in encouragement. That is how Keyman dubbed his first fan, as well as picking names for the rest of the interlocutors, having missed their names and titles earlier.

“What will your huy bring us?” Porcelain Throne asked.

“Lots of pleasure! Here, you, I think you're versed in love?”

Keyman swung his hoof in the direction of Prince Dropped Soap.

“Is huy relevant to love?” He beamed.

“More than! Huy is love's instrument and conductor, its culmination! A peak in relationship's chart, piercing the heavens! In the right hands it can deal both pain and pleasure, convey love, or hatred!”

Soap craned forward with an enticed smile, his eyes gleaming with desire for details.

“Say, how do you convey love?” Keyman asked.

“With care...” Soap said, Keyman noded. “Kisses...” Keyman smiled. “Making kids...” Keyman stared.

“Kids? With your wife?” He interrupted.

“What? No, with my husband!” Soap said with a giggle.

“Oh, yes, I want one too someday,” Keyman sighed, and felt elevated all of a sudden. “Did you and your husband adopted one?”

“Why no, we made our own!”

Keyman wistfully ohuel, then a slap to his cheeks brought him back to reality.

“What about you?” He turned to the Prince Gimp.

Gimp exchanged glances with Porcelain Throne and put a hoof to his chest.

“We are responsible for the night.”

Keyman gave a knowing nod. “An important time of magical performances, when huy enters places where the sun doesn't shine.”

“Huy is also relevant to the night?” Gimp said in surprise.

“By all means, since most huy involving ceremonies tend to happen at night.”

Gimp became thoughtful.

“I am privy to the secrets of the night, maybe I can—”

“What? Are you prying?” Keyman interrupted, offended.

“It is our job to keep an eye on—”

“How dare you! I'll sue you!”

“Why?” Gimp said, perplexed.

“Firstly,” Keyman said, bringing up an enumerating hoof. Glanced at it. “...And only. It's an invasion on private property, and in-de-cent after all!”

Gimp tilted his head, puzzled, and Keyman continued.

“It doesn't matter who you let into your bedroom, but imagine if someone knew in great detail what is going on in, say, yours!”

“But if nopony would, then our bedroom would fall to disarray!” Gimp said, puzzled. “We have a schedule all the relevant ponies are aware of, so they come and handle parts of the job they excel at without unnecessary overlap, yet in due time.”

“...Job? You hire them? With a nondisclosure agreement?”

Gimp shrugged.

“Without, we have nothing to hide. Ponies worship us. Some come to our service to get to know us better, others just listen to their stories. We don't want to be distant from our subjects.”

Keyman ohuel from such an intimate closeness of the people and the rulers, and got another slap to his cheeks.

“What about you?” He looked at Porcelain Throne.

“I'm responsible for the sunrise.”

“Sunrise,” Keyman echoed, smirking at the euphemism. “Yours? That's all?”

“Mine, of course.” Throne nodded. “How do you mean, 'that's all?' Even if I excel at it, it doesn't mean it's an easy feat. I rise it above the whole of Equestria, sharing its warmth with everypony.”

Keyman stared at the Throne's wings, inclined to ohuet completely to the end, but since he hadn't got his lower end with him, he ohuel endlessly. Only slaps of his own wings yanked him out of the grand daydream.

“Wait, how do you do it without a huy?”

Playboy Collector gestured at his forehead again.

“Magic.”

Keyman pouted, frowning at that placeholder of an answer that didn't explain anything at all. Then, he asked what Playboy Collector's occupation was.

“And I, as it happens, study the magic itself! Magic of friendship!”

“Experimenting in a tight circle of close friends? That's a great start to learn that magic,” Keyman said with a knowing nod.

“Oh, yes!” Collector giggled. “And we got so experienced at it, we'd built a school!”

Keyman gawked.

“It's true! And we now teach the magic of friendship to the young generation! Our first group is so diverse, consisting of races from all across the world! They are so capable and inventive!” Collector stared at the ceiling, clutching forelegs to his chest in a wistful sigh. “Sometimes they even have a thing or two to teach the teachers in return!”

Keyman shook his head. “Wait-wait-wait, what school? The young generation can't even stick a huy into the ass without a teacher's help?”

Princes exchanged wary glances.

“Please, let's get back to the topic of huy. And what does... Ass has anything to do with it.”

“A whole lot! A friend's ass is a necessary element of true magic, unattainable alone!”

“I think that bit we'd found out on our own just recently...” Collector said, flexing his wings in a sheepish gesture. Then inhaled with invigorated glee. “You must have advanced much further in the magic of friendship, grasping the huy, which is still outside of our reach! You have to enlighten us!” Collector put his hooves on the table, looming with his investigatory grin closer to dominate Keyman's sight. “Let's get back to the ass, as I fairly believe we know enough about it, and start from there! Can you describe what is it intended for?”

“With great pleasure, just turn over!”

Playboy Collector obediently moved, bringing an anticipating smile to Keyman's face. Which, in turn, brought his wings there as well in a loud slap. Keyman shook his head, then attentively examined the prince's rear with a growing alarm.

“Blya!” he thought, and haven't shat himself.

Playboy Collector's metropolitan residence now housed an unbearable clamor. Collegium of numerous researchers, philosophers, physiologists, doctors, armchair warriors and other scientists could not fathom what the huy is.

“Perhaps, tail is a rudimentary huy, remnant in ponies after degradation from—”

“No-no-no, you're forgetting that their civilization is far more advanced than ours! If they have reached huy on the peak of their development, that means we're still on the verge of achieving our own as the next step of our evolution!”

“You view huy as the goal, when it's clearly just a mean! It is said that huy is a key to the real magic!”

“Yes, and the phrase 'to go nahuy' means to get on the road to happiness.”

“Huy is a key to the gates from heaven, so this implies a great migration, led by the messiah. Ride the huy to heaven, so to say.”

“And even the messiah's name is an allusion to the key!”

“But wait, if huy to be inserted into the ass, doesn't it make the ass be the gates to heaven?”

“But what if, just maybe, huy is the magic of friendship itself? And this all is just a translation problem? Since huy, just like friendship, can only be truly applied in company!”

“Unfortunately, we still can't put our hooves on the huy for any substantial research. Possibly, it will never be within our grasp and we can only study it indirectly, like we study black holes... But then again...”

At some point Keyman had realized that the debate had gone far from under control and became a runaway reaction, and moved on to more important matters, harassing a perspective guest. At least his body had holes, which was very promising.

“You're the only one having both huy on the forehead and holes! You have to know at least something on the matter!”

“I can try I guess, but really I don't see the point...” Sponge, as the holed pony was dubbed, said. He penetrated a hole in his hoof with his huy, moved it back and forth for a bit, and got stuck. He winced. “This isn't how I imagined the visit to the capitol would go...”

“Here! Four tomes on architecture!” Playboy Collector declared, running up to Keyman with them. Seeing Sponge made him lose his smile to a bewildered scowl. “Get that hoof off your face, how dare you insult our huy messiah with such a gesture! Come to your senses and stop embarrassing me!”

Sponge shot a puzzled glance to his hoof, then straightened up with a start, trying to look like he's saluting. “Coming, got it!”

“Thank you for the books,” Keyman said, snatching those from the hold of Collector's huy. As he left, Keyman turned back to Sponge with a desperate expression. “Even your forehead appendage is not a huy?!”

“Maybe I should turn into something else, with a huy, to help with your experiment?” Sponge said, plaintive.

Keyman just stared, failing to understand the suggestion, and Sponge demonstrated by turning into a copy of him. Keyman's jaw fell to the floor and he, ignoring a hard slap of his wings, invaded Sponge's personal space to conduct an entranced examination of his reflection. Sponge blushed.

“I assure you that I am a full physical copy of you. You won't find anything new on my body. Enough, please!”

Keyman grabbed him by the head, bringing nose to nose.

“Now do the same, but with both huy and ass present!”

Sponge shook his head in negation.

“I have to clearly see what am I turning into.”

Keyman insistently pointed at his thigh, demonstrating the cutiemark. Seeing another Keyman putting his rump under scrutiny, his wings spontaneously unfolded, missing which pair of red cheeks they were supposed to slap.

Having had a good look, Sponge closed his eyes, and diligently ohuel.

“Blya!” Keyman thought looking at a swaying, six feet tall huy looming in front of him, threatening to whack him on his forehead. Revived by the slap to his cheeks Keyman jumped to the side just in time to avoid being crushed. The huy crawled after him. His vision swam with forgotten childhood nightmares he kept having even after he stopped reading Dune for good.

Sponge rashuel back into himself and helped Keyman to get onto his hooves.

“I'm sorry if my impression of huy scared you.”

“Hell'll freeze before Keyman would get scared by a huy,” he answered, patting the dust off. Then grabbed Sponge by his shoulders. “Pose for me!”

Keyman woke up in a good mood. Stretched, slithered from under the sheets, and walked up to the window, basking in nudity along the way. The Playboy Collector's residence had a great view at the adjacent park, and especially the square, where a giant monument of huy now stood, all by his design. Its base was already covered in numerous graffiti made by transfixed vandals, spelling 'huy' and its various variations, but Keyman couldn't be upset seeing such a familiar by his home world tradition. His huy now stood erected in the very heart of Equestria, and even his name had become nominal, adorning the plinth in golden letters - 'A Vlad Keyman huy.' He barely had any reason to complain about anything.

Then Keyman noticed another formation on the farther square. At the opposite end of the alley that led to the monument of huy he saw two prolong lobes lying side by side, too long and thin to be a depiction of ass. He felt righteous anger rising in him. How dare they place that symbol beside the majesty of huy?! And how did they even infer it! Where did they get an image from?! They fib him, there couldn't be any other explanation.

He descended down the staircase where his first and most loyal fan, whose residence he lived and worked in, was making breakfast in the silence of the early dawn.

“Good morning! We have a lot of work today, so I've made a checklist with the topics that need revision...”

Playboy Collector placed his notes on the table along with the freshly made breakfast - two boiled eggs and a water sausage for each of them, the pet dragon included. Keyman picked up his morning newspaper to read what else had ponies written about the comprehension of huy. By some evil ecumenical irony, even in this bright new world he still was haunted by the unpleasant commentaries about his immaculate work. That's where he found an article about the ponies deciding to complete the monument of horn with a monument of wings, depicted in a folded position.

“Oh mother of...” Keyman groaned and slammed his head at the table. When he lifted it back, he saw Playboy Collector and his dragon frozen in a hug, staring at Keyman in confusion.

“Errr, no, not yet,” Collector said with a blush and a sheepish giggle. Then exchanged a quick glance with the dragon. “Oh, no-no, we're like brother and sister!”

Keyman furrowed his brow in confusion. He could've sworn the dragon was male, or was he just assuming? From the name, or the way the dragon talked... Unimportant. He brought his attention back to the paper, reading aloud.

“Oh would you just hear what they are writing here! Huy - is an allegory for our entire being! For the whole life we hide our true nature from everypony, and only open up before those who we truly trust! In the cold, lonely and dark moments we shrink in fear, waiting for a moment when a touch of warmth would let us stand up and rise, to look this world into the eye proud and tall...”

He tilted his paper to glance at the expressions of his audience, but saw Gimp looming over him with a stern glare.

“Oh, and I've just dreamed of you tonight,” Keyman said with a placid smile.

Gimp lifted his chin higher, blushing furiously.

“That's why we're here. We are in ahuy.”

Keyman gave a reverent nod.

“Admirable, you've just used huy to properly express astonishment.”

“Astonishment? We're in ahuy from how ohuel are you!”

“Ohuel? Me? I'm the messiah of huy, and if you have complaints, go nahuy, I haven't invited you!”

“We came of our own accord, and it's you who shall go nahuy! We are fed to the teeth with your huy!”

“Wait, wasn't a road nahuy a blessing by the popular interpretation...?”

“Equestria can do without such a huyovuy blessing, you deceitful liar!”

“Oh I'm a liar?! What do you know about huy!”

“Since tonight - dohuya!”

Keyman recoiled, eyes bulging and his face more red than usual. Playboy Collector, having sat silently this whole time with his dragon clutched to his chest and his transfixed gaze jumping between the interlocutors, finally settled to stare at Gimp with wonder.

“You've reached huy...!”

“More like huy had reached us!” Gimp said, glancing at Collector. “In a dream that became a trap and revelation.”

“You have no right!” Keyman shrieked in a quite unmanly voice. “I'll, you, nahuy...”

“It is you who had no right! Especially threatening to repeat!”

“Then nehuy invading my dreams!”

“Nehuy unloading your huy into the minds of so many! there's no place in Equestria for your huy!”

“But, it's huyovo without a huy, wasn't my huy ohuenen?”

“You've perehuyachili everything to revolve around huy alone, which is nihuya not ohuenno! You've even misgendered me!”

Gimp's furious glare knocked the sweat out of Keyman.

“You... You...” He rose a trembling hoof at the prince. “Agender, is it?” He forced a nervous smile.

“I'm a princess!” Gimp shouted with a stomp and flared wings.

Playboy Collector dropped a stiff giggle, bewildered gaze jumping between the arguers.

“What? You're pulling my tail. She thought you were a prince?”

“She thought I were a prince?!” Keyman shouted, pointing an accusing hoof at the dream invader. “It's a she?!” He accented the last word with a masculinity-shedding shriek again.

“Why, no!” Playboy Collector giggled. “I assure you, nopony thought you were a prince! We only have princesses, and... Oh, I never asked if you were a princess too in your own world.”

“Of course not, I'm male!”

“Oh, but, you have female vocal cords and skull structure...”

“What?!” Keyman shrieked in a definitely female pitch.

“And you've said you wanted to get a husband, so... Wait, but if you're...” The purple princess put a hoof to her chin in confusion.

“She has to be exiled to the moon, lest she'd get any followers,” the dark princess said, putting a hoof at the purple shoulder.

“What? No, why? But, I'm a follower... Why?!”

The princesses started arguing, but Keyman didn't hear them, clutching her head in a heartrending howl.

Three strikes of a hammer rang out.

“Calm, everypony! Please, raise.”

A brown pony in a gray wig gestured at the plaintiff.

“Please, voice your charge.”

Luna inhaled in a regal stature.

“The huy doctrine is heretical and deludes ponies! Keyman should be stopped!”

The court hummed with disapproval.

“Please, substantiate your claim.”

“I saw the dreams of this self-proclaimed messiah and know in great detail how the knowledge about huy was twisted and perverted. It molests the minds of young ponies and drives them astray!”

“Can you describe the details of this perversion?”

“What? No!”

Celestia, sitting with Luna, touched her on the shoulder.

“You should speak up. I believe in your sound judgement, but ponies should know what was the reason for your conclusion.”

“But that's the point! Ponies shouldn't know where the huy leads!”

“Your testimony is vital for the process,” the judge said.

“I refuse to answer.” Luna turned her head away, crossing her forelegs.

The judge then turned to gesture at the defendant.

“What can you say in your defense?”

Keyman shook her head in defeat.

“It's all vain...”

Twilight, sitting with Keyman, elbowed her.

“Come on, cheer up! Look, everypony is rooting for you!”

Keyman raised her gaze from the floor, taking in the cheering ponies. Someone unrolled a banner saying 'huy of my soul is erect for you, Keyman!'

“It's all in vain... My huy was stolen... Life has lost its meaning...”

The ponies gasped. Luna rolled her eyes.

“There wasn't ever a huy to begin with, it was all Keyman's self-delusion.”

“My huy was left in my past life!” Keyman shouted with a hoof slam to the table, leaning forward to glare at Luna.

“Nehuy were bringing it into the new one!”

“You're ohuela!”

“Go nahuy!”

A few strikes of a hammer rang out.

“Silence in the court! Please, converse in terms the jury is able to comprehend!”

Keyman slumped back down. Celestia touched Luna with a sympathetic wing, and Luna crossed her forelegs on her chest, looking away.

“So, Keyman says that her huy—” the jury started, only to be interrupted by a shriek.

“Don't you dare refer to me in female!”

“So, their majesty gender uncertainty deigned to communicate to us a huy theft. How did that happen?”

“I've woken up without it, and in my attempts to find it, I've decided to share it with the world that was unaware of what it was missing.”

The court hummed in approval, and Luna slammed her hoof on the table.

“Your perverted version of its use! Your huy is now in every paper, on every street wall, poisons the minds of children and cultural figures!”

A few hammer strikes calmed her temper.

“Please, speak in order. Are you saying that the huy culture is detrimental for Equestria?”

“Yes!”

“Why?”

Luna huffed, pouting and blushing. The whole court watched her with expectant stares. Even Celestia tilted forward to get a glimpse of her face.

“...Because.”

“Objection!” Twilight pointed out with the whole of her foreleg. “Huy had already tightly entered our culture,”—a loud slap could be heard—“and inspires poets and philosophers to ask never before raised questions about existence, meaning of life, and attempts to comprehend incomprehensible! Huy gave a huge thrust”—and another—“to the evolution of our world view! The accusation is unjustified!”

“Are you ohuela?!” Luna shouted.

“To the tip of my huy!” Twilight said with an enthusiastic nod.

They've got interrupted by another staccato of a hammer.

“Please, speak in formal language!”

“At least somewhere it's still used,” Luna said, rolling her eyes.

“Defendant, I get the impression you have a counteraction?” the jury asked.

Keyman shook her head. “No.”

“Shh!” Twilight elbowed her. “We can charge her for theft of intellectual property leading to severe moral damage, suing a large sum for the huy erection fund!”

“Suing is good,” Keyman droned, still looking at the floor and nodding absentmindedly.

“Counterclaim, your honor!” Twilight said to the jury, swinging her hoof up for attention.

Luna dropped her jaw hearing the accusation.

“You don't know what you are doing! I won't let you lay a huy on me like that!”

Keyman leaned forward to peek at Luna with a cocky grin. “You've let me do that, though.”

Luna simmered, excessive heat reddening her face.

“Jury has found the plaintiff's charge groundless, and—”

“No!” the princess of the night shouted. “Huy propaganda must be stopped! It's... It's used incorrectly! It has potential, but Keyman is fixated on butts!”

“Can you justify your position?”

“Or demonstrate said position,” Keyman said, peeking out with a manic smirk again.

Luna's hooves wildly gesticulated in panicking motions, face red up to the tips of the steaming ears.

“But huy... But-but butt... But butt isn't for huy...! Nor huy is for the butt... They contradict... But huy should...”

“The jury can't listen to this any longer. Your accusation is groundless and will be declined! In the light of this situation, counteraction will be heard next, after the intermission.”

The final strike of the hammer let the court explode in victorious furor and unrestrained discussion of the battle witnessed. Twilight squeezed Keyman in a tight hug, high on victory, yet preparing them for the retaliatory charge. Happy ponies unrolled another banner, saying 'what is delight, is also huy.'

Celestia brushed a sympathetic wing over Luna's back, and the princess of the night rubbed her nose bridge, grunting something into the hoof.

“I'm sorry, what?” Celestia leaned closer to her.

“I said, go it all vpizdu!” Luna shouted, slamming her hoof at the table.

Then she looked at the silenced court. Everypony froze with stunned faces, eyes staring back at her with a single mute question, echoing her sister's in unison. Every pony except for one, with a face twisted in primal rage, steel eyes threatening to suffocate Luna in her sleep with her red ass.

“What did you say?” came a voice from the crowd.

Luna slowly grew a cocky grin, watching the life in her opponent's eyes getting slowly extinguished by existential despair.

“I've said, vpizdu,” Luna said in a huy-bending tone.

Author's Note

My condolences for reading this, you've earned them.
Worse you can do now is to google these words.
Please, don't. Just muse it over, it will click inevitably.
Or watch this educational video.