The Long And Short Of It

The rest of the weekend passed by in a whirl; just Pike and Anon, enjoying each other’s company. The thestral was constantly rubbing her scent all over the unicorn as he held her tight, squeezing her against him like the little mare she was. And of course, they made plenty of good use of those socks he’d bought.

But sadly, all good things must come to an end. Monday had come again, and it was time for the work week to begin.

Or, at least it would be once Pike’s alarm went off. Until then, she could safely rest in peac—

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH PIKE WAKE UP!”

Nocturnal Pike’s eyes shot open at Anon’s scream, just in time to watch as he reached his hooves around and started shaking her. “IT WAS NIGHTMARE MOON!”

Considering the rude awakening, it was amazing that Pike could even sort-of comprehend what he’d just said. Something about Princess Luna? But why would he be... Unless...

‘Oh sweet Her, did she visit his dream!?’ I’ve always wanted her to visit!’

“That’s great honey! What did—”

”OSWALD WAS A PATSY!”

‘...’

‘Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.’

Needless to say, that managed to wake Pike up the rest of the way, and got her to actually look at her coltfriend. His face was soaked in sweat, his breathing was heavy, and his eyes were frantically darting around.

“We’ve—we’ve got to...”

Seeing him like this, it was obvious what ailed him: a nightmare.

“...Got to... What was I saying?”

‘Aw, poor Anon.’ He seemed to have come out of it, but she wrapped him in a comforting hug, just in case. “Nothing, it was just a nightmare.” A very conveniently timed nightmare, if the clock next to the bed was any indication. “Come on, let’s get up.”

Contrary to the precedent set by the rude awakening, the rest of their morning routine went off without a hitch. Complete with the most important meal of the day: breakfast! Anonymous was sitting at the table and enjoying his fillyfriend’s company, when she suddenly looked up from her meal. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

Shoving a forkful of eggs into his mouth, he just rolled his eyes. “It’s fine, it was just a stupid dream. Can’t even remember it now, honestly.”

“You seemed pretty freaked out about it when you woke up...”

Casting his gaze back to Pike herself, he noticed she had an odd look on her face. If he’d been asked to describe it, he’d say it was something between concern and pity.

“Whatcha lookin' at me like that for?” He asked.

“Well, I’m just kind of worried is all. Are you sure you can handle this? Syncing up our schedules?” Anon quirked his brow, indicating for her to continue. “Diurnal ponies have a lot of trouble going even semi-nocturnal, stallions especially! Y-you know, since they have weaker constitutions than mares?”

She stopped at that, waiting to see how he’d respond. He chose not to, however, content to let the mare ruminate on what she'd just said.

About ten seconds later, nervousness won out over common sense. Desperate to salvage what she’d clearly assumed was a faux pas, Pike started talking again. “I-I’m not saying you’re weak or anything! J-just that, you know, y-your body might not be able to handle it! A-and having a nightmare might be a symptom of that! And—!”

At this point Anon couldn’t stop himself, and his laughter broke up her nervous rant. “Haha! Come on, Pike. That’s totally bullshit!”

And just like that, her worry was immediately replaced with ire. “WHAT!? No it’s not! It's a well documented medical fact that stallions—”

“No, I mean ‘You had a nightmare because you stayed up too late!’ That’s like, something a mom would say when she’s trying to get her ki- foal to go to bed!”

He’d heard enough of that ‘stallions are weaker’ stuff when he’d first shown up in Equestria; he didn't need to hear more.

Pike was just about fuming by then, with her face turning a cute shade of red. “No it's not! That’s a perfectly plausible idea!”

Hopping off his chair, Anon moved to put his plate in the dishwasher, as a good housemate should. “Yeah, yeah. Just be happy you have a coltfriend that can actually live with your weird schedule, and stop worrying.”

She let out an annoyed huff. “Fine. But if they name a condition after you; I’m praying for Luna to drop a star on your hospital bed.”

He chuckled, walking off to let her finish breakfast. As the stallion made his way into the main room, he couldn’t help but recognize that he was actually kind of lucky. Sure, a three AM to noon sleep schedule was pretty mild, considering how he’d lived in college. But nevertheless, he doubted he could have actually gone fully nocturnal, even for Pike. Which made him very thankful that he didn’t have to! Plus, with the flexible hours his boss afforded him, she didn’t even mind if he came in after one! In fact, she was happy if he came in at all!

‘Speaking of…’

Anon turned his gaze to his typewriter.

That was the one downside of living here: Pike’s apartment was, unfortunately, not very conducive to writing. He’d grown VERY used to having a large workstation over the past couple months, and the tiny coffee table that Pike had glued the legs back onto just wasn’t cutting it—not to mention that it was liable to fall apart at any moment, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. It just didn’t make sense to use that rickety surface when he had a desk waiting for him at the office, which quite literally had his name on it.

‘Huh, that was a strange thought.’ Just a few months ago, the idea of spending long periods of time in the office would have been unbearable to him. He couldn’t help but wonder what had changed. Maybe actually having a long term relationship with a mare had started to make the ponies seem less... alien? They were no longer just strange creatures out to harass him: now they just seemed more like, well, dudes.

Dudes who liked talking about his balls, but dudes nonetheless.

It would be interesting to put to the test just how much more comfortable Anon was around them, now. Would he be able to actually get work done in the office?

There was only one way to find out!

Eventually, their morning period came to an end, forcing the two to part ways and head off to their respective careers. Something that led Anonymous to another thing he had to be thankful for: how much closer Pike’s place was to the office than his old digs. Honestly, he didn’t know if he could have made it there from the old apartment; carrying his typewriter had him beat.

‘I thought magic was supposed to be easy mode, damn it!’

But a couple blocks of hoisting that bad boy had him feeling run down, overheated, and craving sweets something fierce. He’d had to take his coat off to avoid soaking it in sweat, and multi-tasking with telekinesis was a bitch. On the upside, his labors were almost over, as the office was in sight.

‘Hallelujah!’

And standing in front of said office was none other than his bespectacled, tan coated, and brown maned semi-decent acquaintance, Cut N. Paste!

“Hey, Cut!”

It seemed that he’d startled her just a little bit, because her head whipped around so fast it may have given her whiplash. “Ahh... Oh, h-hey Anon. I didn’t know you were coming in today!”

He smiled at her as he finished his approach. “Haha, that’s cuz I didn’t tell anybody!”

“Oh well I’m happy you...”

Inexplicably, she trailed off mid sentence as he got close and... started sniffing the air? As she did, he thought he saw her posture slump ever so slightly.

‘Ah, I’m probably just seeing things.’

It was only for a split second after all, before Cut saw something that clearly had her happier than she’d been when he first walked up. “Woah, hey, is that your typewriter?”

Turning to the side to look at said writer, Anon was suddenly reminded of just how much he REALLY wanted to put it down. “Ooof, yeah. Say, let’s continue this inside. I’m dying to get this bad boy off my hands er, hooves.”

Unexpectedly, this statement left Cut looking... offended? “I can’t believe nopony asked to carry that for you! Quick, put it on my back!”

Now it was his turn to look slightly offended. “What? Why?”

“Are you joking? No stallion should have to carry something like that!”

He opened his mouth with every intention of fighting her on that. He really did. But honestly? Fuck it. That thing was too heavy.

“Well, if you insist.”

Cut N. Paste had made a mistake.

‘How was that Anon carrying this all by himself!? It must weigh fifty pounds!’

Fifty pounds that her own out of shape flank was now hauling up the office stairs, huffing and puffing all the way. “So, does this, hooo, mean we’ll be seeing more of you, huff, in the office?"

Thankfully, he seemed uninterested in ribbing her, focusing on the question instead of those embarrassing huffs and puffs.

‘Come on Cut! You’re an Earth Pony, this should be easy! So what if somepony looking at you head on can see both your cutie marks, being out of shape is no excuse!!’

“Yeah, the long and short of it is, I moved in with my fillyfriend and there just isn’t a good place to set up shop in her apartment.”

‘Celestia damn it!’ Her worst fears were confirmed: that was a mare she could smell on him!

Internally, she kicked herself for being such a sperg. She couldn’t believe she’d waited so long that he’d actually gotten with another mare!

‘BUCK!’

But, Cut kept the frown off her face. Sure he was kind of weird, but the odds of him being a Cadenzian living in Canterlot were astronomically low. She just had to ask him to be his beta.

‘Come on Cut, you gotta do this.’

‘You CAN do this!’

‘Annnnnnd now!’

“T-that’s really good to h-hear Anon! I-I always enjoy having you around the office!”

‘...’

‘Buck.’

“Hey, thanks Cut. That actually means a lot coming from you.”

‘It does!?’

“It does!?”

He looked back at her (‘come on Cut, you can keep pace with a stallion!’) and gave her an easy smile. “Of course! You’re the only one here that doesn’t constantly make me uncomfortably aware of the fact that you know how big my balls are.”

She thanked the sun in the sky that he turned to face forward again before her face lit up like a Hearthswarming tree.

“And the upside is, now that I’ll be coming into the office, we can actually hang!”

‘Oh Celestia. Do. Not. Squee, Cut N. Paste!’

‘Grown mares do not squee!’

“Eeeeeee!”

He quirked an ear. “Did you hear that?”

Cursing herself internally, Cut desperately reached for an explanation. “P-probably just one of the doors. Some of those hinges really need to be oiled, haha!”

Thankfully, and surprisingly, he seemed satisfied with her explanation, and just shrugged. And fortunately, they’d just reached the top of the stairs! And mare, not a moment too soon—that was more exercise than she’d gotten in months!

‘Maybe I should take Auntie Jargon up on that gym membership.’

Cut sighed in relief as Anon’s magic lifted the burden from her shoulders. He glanced back at her and smiled. “Thanks again, Cut. I don’t know how you managed to balance that thing on your back all the way up the stairs.”

‘Was he... flirting?’

‘No…’

Deciding to play it safe, she just stammered out a response. “Oh, i-it was nothing!”

He gave her a little nod in return. “Cool cool, I’m off to ask Jargon where the hell my desk actually is.”

The one and only J. Jargon Justification, Chief of the Canterlot Canterer, and possessor of a finely trained nose, was wrinkling her muzzle.

‘It smells like a new mare is in the office!’

‘Wait... no. It smells like…’

“Hey chief!”

“Anonymous! Why didn’t you tell me that you finally went and got yourself a fillyfriend?”

He looked taken aback, like he was surprised she knew. Ha! Stallions did love to play coy; no fillyfriend could mark a stallion so thoroughly without them realizing that every mare in a ten hoof radius would be able to smell her on him.

At least, Jargon hoped it was a fillyfriend. She’d hate to see a sweet colt like Anon turn into a slut.

”I, uhhhh, didn’t think it was relevant.”

Jargon was currently at record pace for making Anonymous uncomfortable. He’d sort of presumed all that stuff about scent marking was a joke, but clearly, it wasn’t. And now he had to deal with Jargon beaming at him like a proud parent.

“Of course it’s relevant! Look at you, why if I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re finally starting to find your place!”

He suspected the words she’d have rather used were “you’re finally starting to know your place,” but at least she was being sort-of nice about it. So, he responded the only way he could to a sort-of compliment.

“Uh, thanks... I think?”

“Think nothing of it!” Without missing a beat, she turned around and started rummaging through a drawer. “Now then, down to brass tacks. I don’t know why you came in, but I’m glad you did; as while you’ve had news for me, I have news for you!”

‘Oh no. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.’

As she found whatever she was looking for, she turned back to him. “A special assignment has come up, and I want you on it!”

Anon’s eyes widened in shock. “Wait, really!?”

She nodded enthusiastically and held out whatever she’d pulled out. It was a manila folder, with pictures of some really weird looking unicorns on it. “That piece you wrote on Upper Crust put you on a lot of pony’s periscopes, and I think it's time we took advantage of that!”

Oh wow; for once it seemed Anon’s feelings were wrong! ‘This is great!’

Pulling open the folder, more photographs spilled out, seemingly showing what looked like members of some sort of envoy. As he looked at the pictures, Jargon spoke up. “You’ve heard of the Kirin before, right?”

To be perfectly honest, he hadn’t. But he’d have to be completely retarded to admit that when the chief was finally giving him a real assignment. “Of course! Who hasn’t?”

“Good! And a lot of ponies haven’t, actually. So that just means I picked the right mar- er, stallion for the job!”

‘Gee, thanks chief. But, score one for dishonestly!’

“You see, our sources in the castle claim these photographs are of the Kirin envoy, currently on their way to Canterlot to meet with the princesses themselves.”

That actually sounded important. “And you want me to get an interview with ‘em?”

“Aha, that’s my colt! I forgot how fast you were on the uptake.” Turning her attention back to the photos, she pointed to the one with the particularly, seemingly abnormally tall Kirin in it. “I need you to get into the castle and find out why they’re here.”

‘Holy shit, this is a real assignment!’

He was genuinely excited, and the feeling bled into his voice. “So how do I get in? Do we have an inside source to smuggle me in? Do we know a secret back entrance? Oooh, do you guys have leverage over some guardsmare?!” He stopped listing ideas after that one, expecting Jargon to either confirm or deny at least one of them. Instead she just sat there and stared.

‘What is she...?’

“Pffffffffffffft hahahahaha! Oh, that’s rich Anon! Smuggle you in! HA! I’m going to have to remember that one!”

The look on his face must’ve betrayed the confusion he’d felt, because her laughter quickly cut out a moment later. “Oh wait, you’re serious. No we don’t have a way to get you in. That’s your job! But you’re a resourceful colt; you’ll figure it out.”

‘Well, nothing like getting thrown into the deep end. Jesus, I’d better get thinking.’

“That envoy gets here in three days. Try to figure it out beforehoof.”

Anon barely acknowledged what Jargon said; his mind was already racing.

‘Levitate myself through the window? Nah, I’m too heavy.’

‘Ask Pike to let me in? No, I don’t want to lean on her like that.’

‘Maybe I could-’

The sudden clopping of hooves in front of his face startled him out of his thoughts. “Hey, Equestria to Anonymous.”

“Huh?”

The Chief just smirked. “If you’re going to brainstorm, at least sit down at your desk first.”

‘Oh, right, my desk!’

“Say chief... where actually is my desk?”

It turned out it was in the far corner of the office, so far out of the way that the only neighbor he had was Cut. On the plus side, at least this implied that the chief somewhat took his feelings into account; there was a lot less opportunity for harassment when he was basically isolated. So, after placing the typewriter down and hanging up his coat, it was time to buckle down, take a seat, and get to work.

But, now that he was there, he found himself forced to confront one simple fact:

He didn’t know fuckin’ anything about Kirin.

And going into an interview knowing nothing about them was a terrible idea. What if he accidentally called them the Kirin equivalent of the N word? He wouldn’t even know until it was too late! So step one was to gather information about them; he’d worry about castle infiltration later. That book he’d bought on pony customs might be a good place to start, but, well, frankly he wasn’t sure how it’d be of use. He wasn’t trying to seduce them, after all. Which left him back at square one.

Where did reporters normally go when they needed information, anyway? Like, did they go to a library? That was his best, and so far only, guess, but where even was the library?

‘Ah, Cut would probably know.’

“Hey Cut?” he asked, leaning over the cubicle wall.

Cut’s reply was a simple “Mm hm?” as she continued to edit—

‘Hey, is that a picture of me?’

But, by the time he actually noticed and tried to get a good look, she’d already moved on to the next picture and covered it over.

‘Ah well, it's probably nothing.’

“Say, do you know where the nearest library is?”