Do not bone the biblically accurate angel

by Nightprincessluna

Rating: mature
Tags: Fetish, Comedy, Suicide / Self Harm, Profanity, Violence, Gore, Original Character, Porn, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2668

Hatter summons and then attempts to bone a biblically correct angel. It does not go well.

Attempting to hump a mutli-dimensional creature is not a good idea, as simply looking at them can send you spiralling into madness and make your eyeballs boil from out of their sockets and your spleen pour out of your mouth. Hatter is a stubborn and extremely foolish stallion, so none of this is not going to stop him from trying.

Contains: Sort of sex, bleeding from the eyes, nose and mouth, near death experiences, an absolute dumbass.
A non-commissioned work. If you like what I do, consider buying me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/hatterthepony

Published 2022-07-29 12:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-29 12:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1

The ritual site was prepared, Necrosis, a mare who had far too much knowledge on the arcane had set it up perfectly. The lambs fat candles were burning and filling the air with the smell of frankincense, and any light they produced was impossible to distinguish from the bright sunlight above. Necrosis had carved intercalate runes and markings in between the eldritch web of symbols and twisting markings.

Twelve circles, twelve rings, hundreds of candles, thousands of markings, all because she had lost a bet with the unicorn next to her. Hatter didn’t seem to understand any of the rings or markings because he was an idiot. The gray and black stallion didn’t understand much of the arcane, he was a horny bastard, and not just because he was a unicorn.

But he was also a friend with some very minor redeeming qualities about him, and that was why when he had told Necrosis that he had wanted to fuck an angel, she had tried her best to explain to him how even setting eye on one could stop the heart of most, and send those that survived spiralling into an endless maze of madness from which they would never escape.

Hatter, in all his wisdom, had responded with “Hot”.
Necrosis was very annoyed by this, and in the end had given up trying to explain why it was a terrible idea, how his very soul might rupture from out of his body, how his every cell might burn, sending him into an agony unlike any another that a pony had ever experienced.

Of course, she wasn’t just going to let her friend die, and she had outfitted him with protective charms, trinkets and fetishes. They might work, they might not, but Hatter’s mind was set.

And while the brown pegasi did care for her friend, she was curious what exactly would happen to him, and her curiosity had eventually won out over the strong need to protect her friend after all the frustrating things he had done and said, along with the fact he was morally corrupt.

She stood on the outer edge of the ring in a protective circle, being such a powerful practitioner of zebra magic, Necrosis was hoping that her mind would be able to withstand the onslaught that was coming to it.

A soft breeze blew through the field, and she looked towards Hatter, who for the moment was stood with a massive grin on his face.

Hatter wasn’t scared in the slightest. He was about to seduce an angel and have sex with it, he was going to be the first pony ever to stick his dick in one! He was like an incredible… Adventurer, explorer type deal.

The unicorn’s jacket was coated in scraps of paper and weird things that he wasn’t able to identify, stone disks and other things, apparently they were going to protect him, but he didn’t really need protecting.

He was going to do this. Necrosis dug her hooves into the earth and begin to speak in an arcane language, the words spilling out of her mouth in an endless flurry of words that required her to twist and form her words into things that were nearly impossible, dozens of years of skill put to work as the salt markings begin to lightly glow.

The spell begin with a faint tingle, like the air itself was charged with static that made Hatter’s hair stand on end and his eyeballs itch. The light glow on the salt was hard to pick up with the naked eye, but as Necrosis struck her hoo against the ground and begin to speak faster, the salt markings begin to glow brighter, as if the alt itself was producing some kind of luminescence.

The air felt heavy, like it could be cut with a knife, and Necrosis begin to chant louder and faster, striking her hoof against the ground like she was angry with it, the soft sound of her hoof impacting against the grass mixing with her words. The glow was bright now, bright enough that it was almost painful to look at.

It was the purest white light that Hatter had ever seen, and the candles were glowing with that same light now, bathing the field in an almost haunting glow. By this point, Necrosis’ words were forming together into an endless stream where it was impossible to be sure where one word ended and another begin.

He had no idea how Necrosis found time to breath, but the light seemed to be coming up from the earth now, the glowing markings impossible to pick out due to the incredibly bright light that they were giving off.

Necrosis was screaming the words now, the light was so bright that Hatter was forced to close his eyes to avoid being blinded, but the light was so bright that it could still be seen through his eyelids.

There was a terrible crackling sound, like thunder, his skin burned, his bones ached, and then there was a noise that was impossible to put into words, it was like an explosion, a lightning strike, the sound of rain hitting dirt, rushing water…

Hatter could feel a crushing weight on his chest, bearing down upon him like a lifetime of suffering. The gray stallion was excited, he was finally going to get to see an angel.

Necrosis had fallen silent, the spell was done, and he slowly cracked an eye open to look at the thing he was about to seduce.

A scream almost ripped from his mouth as beheld madness itself. A sound like a rushing hurricane filled the air, and before him stood a creature made out of impossible geometry and anatomy, made out of dozens of twisting mobious strips decorated with piercing orbs of light that seemed to be its eyes.

The whispers of a thousand lifetimes ripped through his mind, the eyes of a million judgements stared straight through his soul. He could feel his every sin, every wrongdoing, every happy memory, even harrowing sadness, all of them bearing down upon him, mixed with experiences that weren’t even his.

The stallion’s legs shook, his mind tried to come apart, but he held like a rock. For a few moments he simply beheld the object of his affection, a few moments that felt like a few lifetimes.

The creature was twenty paces away, he could make it. He could fuck this thing! He pushed with all his might, all the determination that his little gray body could muster, his pitch black mane blown backwards out of his eyes by an invisible and ethereal wind that blew his hat off and made his coat tails flap.

A single step forward. The twisting creature of angelic might didn’t seem to acknowledge his existence in the slightest, those mobious strips decorated with the judgemental orbs rotating around one another in a never ending flurry, memories, feelings, realities and other things orbiting the space between the rings and digging into the minds and souls of those that dared to look upon them.

A second step. Hatter could feel an immense weight bearing down upon him, several lifetimes of suffering that weren’t his, but were related to him beared down upon him, trying to prevent him from reaching his angelic bounty.

A third step. Hatter tasted copper, his eyes were trying to shut and his heart was fluttering frantically, but he was not going to be stopped, every time the rings rotated, they bought the full weight of those glowing orbs to bear upon him, and Hatter felt his mind failing, he couldn’t tell who or what he was, or why he was.

It didn’t matter. A fourth step. He definitely tasted blood. Those protective runes were glowing brightly and now he could hear the full on howl of the hurricane of ethereal wind that protected this angelic creature.

His legs almost buckled, his heart was beating like a drum, and yet he pushed forward again, a fifth step. His hoof wobbled before he could set it down firmly on the ground, his mouth was bleeding and those protective runes were making the unicorn look much like a Christmas tree.

He had stepped over one of the candles, and it burned at his leg, keeping him rooted in reality as he let the maddening memories and feelings roll through him.

A fifth step, the candle no longer burned, but he could feel the pain of the wound amplified a hundred times. He bit down so hard he almost cracked a tooth, bloody foam pouring from his mouth as his vision dimmed for just a moment before…

A sixth step. His heart felt like it was going to give out, he was attempting to identify the material that made up the endlessly rotating and twisting mobius strips, it looked like white marble, stone from a library filled with knowledge that had been lost to the ages, crystal, something else maybe.

Seven. He couldn’t identify the material. For a moment he thought he was crying, and he stared down at the ground, watching the droplets of blood that were dripping from his tear ducts. His body was failing and he didn’t have the strength to wipe the tears away and risk losing the chance to take another step.

His vision was made hazy by the blood. Damn bodily fluids, his legs were shaking. His heart was about to burst.

Eight. Blood was dribbling out his mouth, his insides hurt, the visions were tearing through his head as he was forced to bear the weight of everyone his actions had ever harmed, his legs were like jelly, reality itself was starting to warp and bend. He had no idea how long he had been here.

Had it been minutes, hours? It felt like lifetimes, but that was impossible. Step number nine, and his legs buckled for a moment, dropping him to his knees as the pacemaker in his chest tried desperately to keep his heart beat steady.

For a moment he was sure that he was not going to get up again, blood was pouring down his cheeks and his nose had begun to bleed.

He was crawling now. Step number ten, blood, howling, endless howling of ethereal winds, voices of ponies and creatures he had lost mixed with those he had never met and those that had never existed.

His insides were screaming at him, most of the protective runes had failed, and he was quite sure he was bleeding on the inside.

Eleven. Blood foamed from his mouth as his teeth once again clamped down. He was thankful his bladder was empty or he would’ve wet himself then and there.

For a brief moment he grasped the ultimate nature of everything, and he was thankful that he did not have the ability to retain those memories.

Twelve. He was dragging himself now, he was trying his best not to give out, to obtain his goal, although he was not even sure what that was any more.

His eyes were shaking and twitching, the rest of his body shaking and vibrating as blood poured from out of his nose and ears.

Everything hurt, a seemingly endless amount of pain for the seemingly endless amount of transgressions that he had committed.

Thirteen. He was dying, his body was giving out, blood was pouring from out of his mouth, ears, eyes, nose… He had left a long trail of blood behind him, and at this point he was sure he was spent, that his body was giving out and he was dying.

Slowly he begin to elevate into the air. His vision was failing, his lungs were screaming. He could feel his entire body rotting away into nothing and then being remade into something else, his entire mind coming apart as his erection throbbed between his legs.

Somehow, even with this much agony tearing through him, he had still managed to maintain his erection. He floated before the angel like some kind of rag doll, his lungs were boiling, bloody foam pouring from out of his mouth, his nose, eyes rolling back in his head as the burning agony slowly faded away.

He thought he was going numb, the burning agony giving way to bliss. His cock throbbed desperately between his legs, dribbling pre down his length. His eyes were melting, blood pouring out of them as he was awash in a sea of feelings and memories.

To see with eyes that were not his own, he was tumbling through a pit, pleasure and joy, anger and rage. He felt them all washing over him as his body tumbled away, time losing all meaning as the fact that he had been orgasming meant nothing. His eyes were dripping down his cheeks like tears, but that didn’t matter to him.

By this point he was nothing more then a soul, a formless mass of energy, rolling in a sea of bliss. It was like an orgasm, but an orgasm that lasted forever and had no meaning to anyone but him. He could never experience anything like this with an earthly form.

The only thing he could do in response was stare in fascination as his very mind unwound and came apart.

His entire life was nothing more then hoof prints in the sand, his every sin amounted to a single drop of blood in a vast sea, his every action likely only amounted to a little more then that.

But instead of sending him spiralling into a deep depression, he suddenly felt terror in a way that he never had before. A single drop of blood in a vast sea was enough to draw in a shark, and that's what this angel was, a shark swimming through that vast ocean.

Foolishly he had thought himself clever, he thought he could just walk up and stick his penis in a creature from some far outside his understanding. He had collapsed ten steps away from it, but the creature had been thousands of steps ahead of him his whole life.

It knew his every thought, his every bad deed and his every good one. It understood him better then he understood himself.

The angel remade him, judged him for his sins and then tore him apart for them, leaving him writhing in agony for an infinite moment until he had paid for his sins. At this pint his ego had broken down and he was little more then a formless shape of energy floating before its endless gaze.

Everything lost meaning, the giant eyes of the creature all around him, staring at him as he once again found himself tethered to his earthly form once again, orgasming endlessly as bliss once again found meaning.

Suddenly, he snapped awake in a hospital bed, tubes jabbed into his body as he clutched his hooves against the bedsheets desperately, an orgasm ripping through him as he bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, cock coating the inside of the sheets with his sticky load, before he slumped back down into his bed.

“You’re awake?” Necrosis questioned, and Hatter turned his head to face her. His mouth was dry and tasted of copper, and as he attempted to form words and express confusion over what had happened, he found that words failed him.

Necrosis simply gave a soft scoff, “The moment you saw the angel you collapsed, stared having a seizure, orgasming while blood poured out of your nose. I did my best to save you, but I think the part of your brain that I believe handles speech is damaged.”

Hatter frowned deeply, trying to form words. “Fried egg, jelly, coffee?”
Necrosis nodded, “Indeed. This is why I kept telling you that this was an absolutely horrible idea!”

Hatter lay back and tired to ignore the feeling of the various medical tubes stabbed into his body. He had sex, he didn’t care.