Dust danced in the air, glimmering as it floated through beams of light that cascaded through large windows, illuminating the rows and rows of bookshelves that filled the silent room from floor to ceiling.
Twilight Sparkle sat in one corner of the room, a gentle smile on her face as she peacefully read a book about advanced thermodynamics.
The silence was broken as the door opened and a tall figure entered the room.
“Hey, Princess,” Parody waved, “I’ve got a, uh, question for ya.”
“Hello, Parody,” Twilight placed a well-worn book mark into the book before closing it and setting on a small table to the side. “What would you like to ask?”
“Kind of a random question, but would you, uh, happen to know how to defuse a bomb?”
Twilight placed a hoof on her chin as she tilted her head in thought. “Hmm. I can’t say that I do, but I’m sure that I could study up on it if- Why do you want to know?” She shot him a pointed look.
He looked away. “Uh, no reason in particular.”
“No reason in particular?” Twilight looked unimpressed.
“Look, it’s nothing you really need to worry about.” Parody turned to try and leave.
Twilight teleported in front of him. “I’ll be the judge of that.”
Harsh sunlight lit up the vast quarry which sat a fair distance away from Ponyville, lighting up the various rocks and fissures scattered about the dusty landscape. Sat in the middle of said landscape was a suspiciously ticking package.
Twilight glanced around. “The quarry, huh? I suppose I didn’t need to worry so much.”
“I told you it wasn’t anything you needed worry about, geez,” Parody crossed his arms and harumphed, “It’s like you don’t trust me at all.”
She gave him a flat look. “I’ve learned that your definition of ‘fine’ isn’t the same as mine, that’s all.”
“That’s fair.” Parody shrugged.
“So, what were you doing all the way out here with a bomb, anyway?”
“Mining.”
“Mining?”
“Yeah.”
“… With a bomb?”
“Yeah.”
Twlight paused. “… You know, I can think of safer ways to do that. It really isn’t that hard to find gems here, anyway. This is where Rarity gets most of hers, after all.”
Parody tossed his hands in the air, “Yeah, gems. I’m a blacksmith, I work with metal. I figured I could save time and travel expenses if I could just get my materials here instead, but I’ve look around for a couple days and there are no ores at all.”
Twilight nodded along. “Okay, I can see why that would be a problem for you, but why the bomb?”
Parody shrugged, “I figured I needed to go deeper, so I wired an explosive charge to blast open the surface and take me down a couple levels.”
Twilight shook her head, “Ignoring the numerous safety violations, how exactly are you going to make sure the Diamond Dogs aren’t hurt?”
“Diamond Dogs?”
“The ones living here. They kidnapped Rarity once a couple years ago and-“
Parody snerked, “Bet they regretted that.”
“They did. She whined and annoyed them so much that they agreed to let her go and give her their gems.”
“Ha! Would’ve loved to see that!” Parody laughed, before glancing at the rest of the quarry. “Well, regarding the mutts, I’ve been here a couple times and haven’t seen any. Guess they moved out.”
“That doesn’t sound right.” Twilight scrunched her face in thought, “Even to this day, Rarity still gets small shipments of gems from them.”
“Pff, I bet they’re so scared of her finding and nagging them that they just kept sending her shipments, even after they moved away.”
“That’s… a possibility.”
Parody laughed as Twilight shook her head, a light grin on her face. She looked up and spotted the ticking time bomb out of the corner of her eye. Her heartrate skyrocketed. Somehow she had forgotten about the armed bomb not ten feet away from her.
Doing her best to keep calm, Twilight looked up at Parody. “So, if you have all that figured out, why did you ask me if I could defuse a bomb?”
“Oh, that? See, I wanted to set the timer for fifteen minutes and accidently set it for fifteen hours instead, and I don’t wanna wait that long.”
Twilight facehooved.
Her anxiety settled as she let out a heavy sigh and glanced at the timer on the bomb. It read 12:46:57. She lowered her hoof. “So you want to disarm the bomb so you can reset the timer?”
“Yep.”
Twilight let out another sigh, “Alright. I’ll head back to the library and see what I can find regarding bomb disposal.”
“Oh, no need.” Parody pulled a stack of papers out from under his cape. “I’ve got the manual right here.”
Twilight gave Parody an incredulous stare. “…”
“… What?”
“… If you already had the manual, why didn’t you just disarm it yourself?”
Parody looked down at the papers, “’Cause it said it needed two people.”
“What?”
“One to read the manual, the other to defuse the bomb.”
“… Give me that.” Twilight grabbed the stack of papers in her telekinetic grip and started reading through them.
Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes
Bomb Defusal Manual
Version 1
Authentication Code: 241
Welcome the dangerous and challenging world of bomb defusing.
Study this manual carefully; you are the expert. In these pages you will find everything you need to know to defuse even the most insidious of bombs. And remember - one small oversight and it could all be over.
Parody smiled, “So, one of us in charge of defusing the bomb, while the other guides them with the instructions. Sound good.”
Twilight gave Parody a good, long look. “… I can only see this as a set-up for failure; I’ll just do it by myself.”
“Aw,” Parody frowned, “Where’s the fun in that?”
Twilight ignored him and separated the pages of the manual and floated them around her, allowing her to see all of the pages at once, before settling down next to the bomb.
“Tch. Spoilsport.”
As Parody wandered off, grumbling to himself, Twilight began work on defusing the bomb. As good at multi-tasking as she was, Twilight made quick work of most of the nodes on the bomb’s surface. However, the creeping anxiety of holding a live bomb in her hooves made processing the information in front of her difficult, and small mistakes began to pile up, until-
Click.
She released the big button a second too early.
Click.
Twilight’s eyes widened. Her breath caught in her throat. Her heartrate jumped above the stratosphere. Her fur stood on end. Alarm bells rang in her head. Every iota of her being screamed DANGER!!!
There was a flash of light, and Twilight found herself tangled in the bows of a tree. Before she could process that she had panic-teleported to a random location…
KABOOM!
There was a rumble in the distance as a thick cloud of smoke rose over the horizon.
Heart still racing, Twilight took a few minutes to try and pull herself out of the tree while she calmed down. Once she had extracted herself and was back on the ground, she noticed something.
Or rather, a lack of something.
“… Parody?”
Twilight began glancing around, looking for the human.
“Parody?”
She grew more desperate as it became obvious he wasn’t there.
“Parody?!”
Had she not grabbed him when she teleported? If she hadn’t, then that would mean…
Twilight looked back at the plume of black smoke.
“PARODY!”
Twilight landed near the large circular hole in the ground from which smoke billowed out. The ground was cracked and shattered, with large fragments of rock scattered about. A heavy haze of dust filled the air, greatly dimming the sunlight.
Twilight began coughing, “Parody! Hak Parody! Are you alright?!”
She looked around desperately, but there was no sign of the him anywhere.
“Parody! Gegh Hak Parody!? Can you hear me?!”
No response.
Twilight began gathering magic to cast a search spell to locate the missing human, when-
“GAAAUUHOOW!”
“Bwaaah!”
Startled, Twilight whirled around to find Parody standing behind her, hunched forward, hands on his knees.
“Yeaugh. Being blown up is never fun.”
Twilight darted over to him, “Parody! You’re alright!?”
“I think you and I have different definitions of ‘alright’.” Parody coughed a few times before standing up straight and looking at the plume of smoke. “Well then… Normally I’d give you a failing grade for blowing up the bomb, but that was what we wanted… so… ‘task failed successfully’, I guess?” He shrugged. “I’ll have to give you a ‘C’, since you blew me to kingdom come.”
Twilight looked at Parody up and down in confusion. For saying he’d supposedly been caught in a huge explosion, he looked remarkably unharmed. “But, you’re okay, right?”
Parody glanced down at himself, lifting his arms and examining his body in an exaggerated motion before rolling his eyes, “Alright, fine. I’ll give you a ‘B’. Is that better?”
“That’s not what I meant! You could have been hurt! I thought you were hurt!”
Parody coughed, and waved away the air in front of his face. “Kinda dusty now, isn’t it?” He glanced around.
“Parody, listen to me, please,” Twilight begged. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? When I realized I hadn’t teleported you with me, when I realized… When I…”
Parody leaned down and picked up a pickaxe that had been lying around, and dusted off some of the dirt and soot that had settled on it.
“… When I couldn’t find you, I-I thought-“
“Ah, cheer up, Princess,” Parody shouldered the pickaxe and gave Twilight a playful nudge. “You worry too much; I’ve been through much worse.”
Twilight gave him an uncertain look. “… You were caught in an explosion.”
“Hardly the first time.” Parody smirked, “Feels like it’s a daily occurrence at this point. This one time, I was cooking eggs, and just… KABOOM!” Parody threw his hands up in an exaggerated gesture, “There goes my kitchen.”
Twilight took a few deep breathes and tried to calm down. “… But you’re okay now, right?”
Parody glanced at her and shrugged, “Physically, yeah, I’m fine. Mentally anybody’s guess though.”
Twilight frowned, “Parody, I’m being serious.”
“I am too,” Parody smiled gleefully. “I’ve driven at least three therapists insane. I’m on the blacklist now. ‘Beyond help,’ they say.”
“Parody, this isn’t the time for jokes.”
“I disagree. I find there’s no situation that can’t be improved with a bit of humor.”
Twilight looked up into Parody’s eyes. “… You’re really okay?”
Parody scoffed, “I keep telling you I’m fine, why don’t you believe me.”
She gave him a stern look. “You have given me ample reason to not belive anything you say.”
“That’s fair.”
They were silent for a few minutes. Twilight continued to stare into Parody’s eyes, as if searching for any indication that he was hurt.
Parody rolled his eyes. “You really do worry too much.” He swung the pickaxe off his shoulder and set the head on the ground. “What’ll it take to get you to believe me? You wanna play doctor?” He grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it a bit. “Here, I’ll strip, and you can give me an examination, will that make you feel better, Princess?” He offered with a smirk.
After a moment of silence, Twilight finally broke eye contact with a sigh. “No, I’ll take your word for it.” She gave him one final glare, “But I’m dragging you to the hospital the moment I hear about any injuries, got it?”
“Whatever.” Parody shook his head and hefted the pickaxe back onto his shoulders. He looked back at the hole in the ground. The plum of smoke had mostly subsided in the time they were arguing. “Now, I’m off to go see if I can find any metals.” He walked up to the edge of the hole before stopping and glancing over his shoulder. “Hey, Princess. If I find an abundance of stuff, you want me to make you anything? Think of it as thanks for helping me out today.”
Twilight shook her head, frowning lightly, “I don’t think I should get a reward for almost killing you.”
“Eh, you’re right.” Parody turned back to face the hole. “You usually don’t pay out a bounty if the target’s not dead.”
“Parody, that’s not funny.”
“Meh, everyone’s a critic.” Parody shrugged, before taking a couple steps back.
Twilight frowned, a thought popping into her head. “Um, Parody? How exactly do plan to get-”
“Alley-oop!” With a running start, Parody leapt down into the massive hole in the ground.
“Parody!” Twilight rushed to the edge of the hole and looked down.
The screech of metal on rock rose up from the hole as Parody dug the head of the pickaxe into the wall slow his fall. He got about halfway down the hole before-
SNAP!
The shaft of the pickaxe, which had been burnt and weakened by the explosion, broke in half, leaving the head in the wall, and-
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHH!”
Leaving Parody to fall into the darkness.
“PARODY!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH-GAUGHHAW”
There was a dull whump accompanied by the sound of… rushing wind?
Twilight shook the errant thought out her head and called out again. “Parody! Are you alright?!”
There was a bit of silence, before his voice drifted back up from the hole.
“… My butt hurts.”
“He’s fine.”
“I just wanted to say, none of this is my fault.”
Twilight turned her head away from the glowing, magical book that was erratically flipping through its pages on its own in front of her to glare at Parody. “Oh, don’t even pretend like you’re not enjoying this!”
“Oh, no, I’m having the time of my life!” Parody called out as he swung his weapon, what looked to be something like a double ended mechanical bardiche longer than he was tall, complete with little glowing lights, through the zombie in front of him. The two halves of the body collapsed into the dead dirt of the lifeless forest, pitch black save for the occasional burst of fire from Spike, who was desperately trying to stave off zombies on his own a little further away.
“I just wanted to point out that you can’t blame me for this! After all, I tried to warn you there’s an incantation you gotta say before you pick up the book! But did you listen? No~!” Parody slashed through another zombie before pulling back and placing a hand on his chest, speaking in falsetto, “‘I’m Twilight Sparkle! I’m the Princess of Magic! I don’t believe in incantations! What would you know?! You’re just a stupid human who’s pitiful understanding of magic could never compare to the majesty of my own!’”
Twilight jumped to her hooves, “That is not what I said!” before frantically throwing herself back to the ground, hooves slamming on top of the book to keep it from getting away.
“Well, it’s what you meant.”
Twilight turned again to retort, but held it back. ‘That’s not what I meant, either!’ Was that what she was going to say?
She hadn’t ignored his advice to be mean. She hadn’t done it because she thought herself better than him, or because she thought she knew more about magic than him either. She just…
…Didn’t believe him.
Was that not the same thing?
Twilight sighed and looked at Parody, who was slashing his way through the remaining zombies. There weren’t many left of the current wave, but as this was the third wave, Twilight knew that more would be coming soon.
Had she hurt him by ignoring his warning?
She couldn’t tell.
In all the time she had known him, Twilight had never once seen Parody truly hurt or offended. He greeted everything, good or bad, with that same twisted smirk that seemed to find amusement in all, even the worst, situations. She wasn’t even sure he could feel-
No.
Twilight shook her head. Whether or not her actions offended Parody didn’t matter. She owed him an apology.
“Parody,” She called out, her face apologetic, “You’re right. It was wrong of me to completely write off your warning like that, especially after you went out of your way for me. I’m sorry.” Her eyes began to tear up slightly as the book beneath her hooves began thrashing wildly, indicating another wave of undead was on the way. “Now will you please help me!”
Parody glanced over his shoulder before shrugging, “Eh, fine.” He quickly brought up his polearm and pointed the end at the last zombie. The end of the weapon began glowing blue, before firing a burst of plasma at the final zombie. The wave of heat reached even where Twilight was sitting, and she had to suppress the urge to gag as the smell of burnt fleshed wafted over from where the zombie collapsed.
Satisfied, Parody twirled his weapon and, with a flourish, tucked it away underneath his cape before turning around. “Well, it seems you’ve reflected enough.” He had that insufferable smirk on his face as he approached, gesturing with his hand for Twilight to back away from the book.
Frowning lightly at how Parody worded that, she stood up and took her hooves off the violent book.
Before it could get away, Parody stomped down on it, pining it in place with even more force than Twilight had been. Normally, Twilight would protest the rough treatment of any book, as they were all valuable wealth’s of knowledge, but she just couldn’t bring herself to care about this one for some reason.
Parody bent over at the waist to stare at the book, and spoke in a clear, enunciated voice, “Klaatu Verata Nikto!”
There was a flash as the book suddenly lit up bright enough to illuminate the withered forest for hundreds of feet in every direction, before a violent wind broke through, swirling around the book as magical power was sucked back into it from the surrounding area.
Distracted by the spectacle and the feel of such immense magic flowing through the air, Twilight didn’t notice Parody’s body shudder slightly after chanting the incantation.
Then, as quickly as it began, the light went out, the magic disappeared, and the book stilled.
It was over.
Parody crouched down and grabbed the book by the spine and lifted it up, snapping it shut with one hand before handing it to Twilight. “Here you go, Princess. One evil book, as requested.”
Twilight sat and took the book in her hooves and began inspecting it to make sure it wasn’t going to cause anymore mischief.
As Spike haggardly made his way over, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath, Parody crossed his arms, his head tilting to the side as he lost himself in thought.
“Hey, why’d you want that thing anyway?” He finally asked, “I didn’t think any of you ponies were in to necromancy. Figured you’d find that stuff the taboo of all taboos.”
Twilight froze. “… Necromancy?”
“Yeah,” Parody gestured at the book she held, “I mean, that’s the Necronomicon. The ‘Big Bad Book of the Undead’. I honestly can’t think of a reason you’d even wan-”
Twilight suddenly thrust the book away from her, even taking several steps back to get away from it as it bounced along the dirty, dusty ground. Such treatment of a book from Twilight was unthinkable to those who knew her, but Parody was gobsmacked for a different reason.
“Did you not know? How did you not know?!” He gestured at the carnage around them, “Was the book summoning hordes of zombies not a dead giveaway?!”
Twilight flinched back. To be honest, she’d been so focused on trying to get the book to stop its chaos that she hadn’t thought any further.
Even Spike grimaced a little as he look around and the piles of rotten flesh. “… It was pretty obvious.”
Parody pressed a hand to his head as he let out a heavy sigh. After a moment, he lowered his hand and began walking to where the book lay on the ground. “Well, anyway, if you don’t want it, I might as well-”
“Oh no,” Twilight stood up straight and pulled him back by the cape, “I may not want it, but I want you to have it even less.”
Parody turned, “What does that mean?”
Twilight met his amused gaze with a neutral expression. “I mean no offense by this; but if there’s a single person in the world that I’d trust with that book the least, it’s you.”
“Ouch.” He pressed his hands to his chest with an expression of feigned agony, before dropping them with a smirk. “Well, you’re probably right.” He shrugged and started to walk back down the path they came from. “So, what are you gonna do with it? Leave it here?”
Twilight shook her head. “No. I’ll bring it back and lock it away in the forbidden section where nopony can touch it.”
Parody scoffed, “Yeah, ‘cause that always works.”
Twilight shot him one final glare before picking the book up with her magic. Suddenly, the air filled with magic, and the ground began to tremble. Whispers of the damned filled their ears.
The book began to glow.
Parody turned around, his mouth open in shock as he stared at Twilight. “… Are you kidding me?!”
Twilight blinked at the book in front of her, before whirling around to face him. “I have to say it again?!”
“You have to say it every time!”
“That’s stupid!”
“THAT’S THE RULES!”
“THE RULES ARE STUPID!”
Author's Note
Spike would later go on to say that he had never heard Twilight say that before.
