The Definition of Insanity

by GTthe4th

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Royal Guard, Random
Length: 5153

Three bored Solar Guards contemplate life, the universe, and everything, all while trying not to kill each other out of mild amusement. (A Spiral of Fate universe side-story.)

Part of the Spiral of Fate universe.

Outpost 13...often considered the most unlucky posting to be given when you’re a Royal Guard. It holds no real tactical value, and was built long ago before the Unification Period of the Three Pony Tribes. It’s now more of a historical site, being the last-standing remnant of a bygone era. It’s useless, it’s remote, and it’s boring.

And it’s the perfect dumping ground for when you want to get rid of three of the Royal Guard’s worst soldiers ever.

Private Samwise Tater (the Thinker), Corporal Plucky Guess (the Cynic), and Private Prism Rain (the Sleeper) --- the three of them have been at Outpost 13 for one year now, all on their own. Once you’ve been there that long, you begin to develop a routine: wake up at 0600, eat, then stave off boredom for the next 18 hours before it’s time to go to bed. Usually by talking or planning ways to take over the world, or if nothing else, how to raid Princess Celestia’s cake stash without getting caught.

Today’s their one year anniversary, and they’re at their breaking point.

(Heavily inspired by Rooster Teeth’s Red Vs. Blue web-series.)

Featured: 2021/08/18 - 2021/08/23
*200 Likes! Thanks everyone!*

SPECIAL THANKS: Cover art by Hunternif (Sketch 41: “Early Morning”)

Published 2021-08-18 12:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-18 12:40:00 UTC

Why?

0600 Hours:

Outpost 13

RING-RING-RING-RING-RI--SMASH.

Corporal Plucky Guess lifted his armored hoof off the remains of his alarm clock, his sixth one since he had been assigned to this Faust-forsaken place. It wouldn’t be the last.

He never liked this one in particular, anyway. It was clearly a case of false advertising --- it didn’t wake you up, it made you want to fall back to sleep out of sheer spite.

“Nice shot.”

“Five more minutes.”

“Sorry, Pluck, orders are orders.”

“And I’m your superior. Five more minutes. That’s an order.”

A sigh slipped out of the other Earth Pony stallion. “I hate to do this.” A piece of paper was shoved into Plucky’s face. “As I said, orders are orders.”

Plucky groaned and pulled the piece of paper off his face, blinking at it with bleary eyes as he read the hastily (and angrily) written scratches that he assumed were his own hoofwriting:

To Corporal Idiot-In-The-Future (this means you),

If you’re reading this, wake up at 0600 hours. No more, no less. If you demand more, remember that you have given Private Moron (the other guy probably standing next to you) a direct order to stab you in the rear with his spear (not that spear, you pervert; honestly, have some dignity...). If you resist, remember, you asked for this.

That’s a direct order from me to me. And you know what I say about orders.

Regretfully you,
Corporal Genius-From-The-Past

“I hate myself,” Plucky muttered.

“Does this mean I don’t have to stab you?”

Plucky managed to push himself off his cot and glare at the private next to his bed. “As much as it would be a blessing from the Goddess to be finally relieved from this prison due to an injury that is most certainly not self-inflicted, I quite like my body the way it is.”

“Damn, and I sharpened it and everything,” the private whined. “Just for you.”

“Watch it, Samwise,” Plucky warned.

The two stallions glared at each other before Samwise huffed and turned away. “I need to go wake up Prism. Wish me luck.”

“Why?” Plucky muttered sardonically. “I hope she bucks you out the tower window.”

“I’d actually like that, thanks,” Samwise snarked as he walked out of the room and into the corridors beyond.

As soon as he was gone, Plucky’s head hit the pillow once again, only for a pulley system to activate from the sudden pressure and open a trapdoor directly above his bed. A bucket of water then fell on his head, and he roared in indignation, sputtering and wiping water from his eyes.

A second paper fluttered from the open trapdoor, and he grabbed it, reading his own hoofwriting again:

You’re stupid, you know that, right?

Signed,
Guess Who?

“I hate my life.”

0630 Hours

With practiced efficiency --- and from having done it exactly 365 times already ---, Corporal Plucky Guess and Private Samwise Tater (now sporting a black eye) both walked out of their respective quarters and fell into step beside each other, each wearing their armor (slightly dented in Samwise’s case from the fall) and carrying their spears. No words were exchanged, but Plucky knew that they both had much to say one another. They just knew when was the best time to say it.

The two stallions stepped out into the cold morning air, shivering slightly as the warmth spell that permeated throughout the inside of the outpost faded suddenly, as if they had just walked out of the corona of the sun and into the darkest depths of the oceans in the blink of an eye. They both did a head count to three and then glanced to the left at the same time, just as an armored mare walked out of the outpost’s central tower, blinking half-lidded eyes at them.

“Morning, Pluck...morning, Sam. Sorry, Sam...” Private Prism Rain muttered, yawning.

“Morning, Prism,” Pluck droned.

“You’re forgiven, Prism,” Samwise replied.

The three of them stood in a row and, as one, marched to the wall. It wasn’t big, it wasn’t impressive, and it certainly wasn’t going to hold back anything bigger or stronger than a filly with even a half-decent amount of raw magic in her, but by Faust it was theirs, and they’d guard it.

Or something to that effect.

They each split off after a moment, walking to three separate staircases leading up to the wall. One by one they reached the top of the wall, then met up with one another in the middle, just above the rather pitiful gate --- their sole entry point and exit to the great wide world beyond.

They had lost the key to it several months ago, and hadn’t bothered to care.

By this time, Prism had already fallen to sleep again, and by sheer force of unbidden will (or just muscle memory), had still managed to take her usual position and at least look somewhat alert. Or, as alert as a sleeping Solar Guard could possibly look. Plucky, taking the middle spot, simply glared with half-hidden contempt at the world that was denied him. To his right, Samwise stifled a large yawn and leaned against his spear for support.

Still no words were uttered, but Plucky could feel them coming.

Prism, as if sensing them too, shook herself awake and looked up to face the rising sun, eyes half-lidded and a dull, expressionless look on her face.

Celestia’s sun crested over the mountaintops, and Plucky did another head count for himself.

He reached nine seconds before Samwise turned to him. “Hey?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever wonder--”

“No, I don’t,” Plucky growled. “I never did. I have never wondered why we’re here. I have never asked myself that question, nor will I ever ask it, and neither should you. And why? Because it’s pointless! We’re here because we were told to be here. It was Captain Wall’s final order to us before they kicked us all out of Canterlot and dumped us in the middle of Bumbuck, Nowhere. And I don’t question it, because, despite what literally everypony in the Solar Guard say, I consider myself a damn good soldier, and as I always say, good soldiers follow orders. So the next time you ask me ‘do ya ever wonder why we’re here, hyuk hyuk?’, my answer will always be the same: never have, never will, and by Faust, you’ll never make me.” He glanced at Samwise. “Does that answer your question?”

“...Nope.”

Plucky hung his head and groaned. He wanted to scream, he really did, but he knew he’d only get punted off the wall for his troubles by Prism. “What is it, then?”

“Do you ever wonder...why do we need to know why the chicken crossed the road?” Samwise asked, before breaking off into a fit of laughter.

“Prism, kill me,” Plucky hissed. “Put me out of your misery.”

“Maybe later...” Prism replied, in-between snores.

“Cool, thanks, love you babe.”

“I’m into mares,” Prism reminded him with a snort.

“Believe me, we’re both...painfully aware,” Samwise grunted, looking glumly at the wall and kicking against the battlements.

There was a moment of silence, before Plucky faced Samwise with a bewildered look. “Did you just kick our wall?”

“...So what if I did?”

“You mean to tell me you managed to discover a new way to rage against this nightmare prison of ours before me?” Plucky asked again. “And that it was so absurdly simple that even Prism over there could think of it?”

“Hey, don’t bring me into this lover’s quarrel...” Prism grouched.

“Shut up, Prism,” Plucky ordered. Prism responded with a roll of her eyes.

Samwise’s eyes shifted. “...Maaaaybe?”

The two stallions stared at each other, as if expecting something more. Samwise cleared his throat. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Don’t you have something to tell me?”

“Like?”

“That I’m a genius?”

Plucky’s ears drooped and he narrowed his eyes at his fellow guard. “Why? You kicked a friggin’ wall, dude. What, you want me to give you a Neighbel Prize? A gold cupie doll? Oh no, wait, let me guess, the Equestrian Pink Heart of Courage. Sure thing, I’ll contact Canterlot and have them ship it to you on a red velvet pillow. Prism, do you know where the gate key went?”

“Nope.”

“Weeeeell, shucks!” Plucky finished, swinging his free hoof in the air. “There goes that plan.”

“You don’t have to be so mean about it,” Samwise remarked.

“When you get to be my age and advanced rank, you can get to be a lot of things.”

“Okay, first of all, we’re the exact same age, minus two days,” said Samwise. “Second, you’re a corporal. I could’ve been one if the Captain took a few of my suggestions to heart.”

“Sick Day Saturdays was never going to work, Sam,” Prism pointed out. “Catchy name, though.”

“What about--”

“Nor was planting roses around the outer castle walls to attract bees so that when enemies come they get stung,” said Plucky. “Winter and autumn are a thing, remember.”

Samwise sniffed and turned aside. “It was a good idea...”

“It was, and then it made its way into your head,” Plucky deadpanned.

“Screw you.”

“Screw you!”

“Screw you both!”

“Screw you, Prism!”

“What time is it?”

“Screw y--huh?” Plucky paused, blinking. “Oh, um...let me check here...” He glanced down at a small watch on his left fetlock. “...Oh-seven-hundred,” he replied.

“Great, just seventeen hours left,” Prism remarked.

“Joy to the world.”

Silence once again fell upon the trio, and the sun continued to rise. Finally, Samwise spoke up again. “But seriously, why do we need to know why the chicken crossed the road?”

This time Plucky did scream.

0800 Hours

Plucky and Samwise returned to the wall, both sporting bandages over their backs. Plucky had earned his from being rammed in the side by Prism after he had screamed, and Samwise had earned his by becoming Plucky’s unwitting “fall guy”. Thus, after taking a tumble off the wall (unluckily for both of them, inside the base) and slowly making their way to the infirmary, they vowed to stand further away from Prism from now on, which they were now doing.

Prism, naturally, began the daily blame game. “This is all on you two, you know that right?”

Plucky rolled his eyes. “How the heck is this--” he pointed to his back, “--our fault?”

“We’ve been stuck in this place for a year!” Prism cried. “You should know by now that loud noises make me jumpy. So yes, this is entirely your guys’ fault!”

“How did you ever survive basic training?” Plucky asked. “The field phase has artillery simulations, for Faust’s sake!”

“I used ear plugs, okay?”

“No wonder why your section kept getting in trouble, you kept sleeping through the stand-to’s at the FOB.”

“Hey, I still made it!”

“We’ve been here a year...” Samwise suddenly said, stopping the argument in its tracks.

Prism and Plucky glanced at him, then at each other. Samwise continued, “It has been exactly one year to the day since we’ve come to this dump. And we’re still the only ones here!”

Prism actually gulped. “Ya know, I never really gave it that much thought. Did they...abandon us?”

Plucky face-hooved. “By Celestia, you two...of course they did! You two are the worst of the worst of the Solar Guard! And I’m...marginally less worse.”

Samwise scowled. “What makes you say that?”

“They promoted me.”

“We all know they only did that because putting three Earth Pony privates in this place would never work. At least having a corporal would give us some form of chain of command, so we wouldn’t all fight over it.” Prism shook her head and yawned. “It could’ve been any of us, they just pulled your name out of a hat.”

“Just...let me have this, okay?” Plucky hissed.

“How have we survived this long?” Samwise wondered aloud.

“I thrived on planning new ways to kill both of you, and held onto that thought and milked it for everything it was worth, that’s how I survived,” Plucky answered. “I’m like a Changeling, except instead of love, it’s hatred.”

“No, I’m serious, how have we survived for a year? None of us have had contact with the outside world since we got here, nopony’s come to replenish our supplies, and if you compare us to a sizable portion of the planet’s population, I’m pretty sure all three of us can be diagnosed as clinically insane,” Samwise explained, looking at Plucky. “And I’m pretty sure you have enough hate in you to not only summon the Windigos again, but to also command them to do your bidding.”

Plucky shrugged. “You’re probably right.”

Prism pursed her lips. “You don’t sound very impressed.”

“Please, if I were to try to conquer the world using the cold, dead ghosts of hatred itself, the Element Bearers would just blast me to kingdom come, and then immediately go back to their daily cuddle sessions. Villains like me are like breakfast for them.”

“So you admit you’re a villain?” Samwise chuckled.

“If it meant I could poison each of your suppers tomorrow so that you die thrashing and squealing like pigs in your sleep without it going against my moral compass or without it ruining my chance of getting next month’s paycheck, oooooooh, absolutely,” Plucky flashed a smug smirk.

“We get paid?” Prism asked with a raised eyebrow. She gestured to the outpost. “For this?”

Plucky blinked in confusion. “I mean, we gotta, right? They wouldn’t just leave us here without paying us for doing our duty, and I don’t even know what I’m saying because of course they would. Damn, there goes that condo I wanted.”

“Is anypony going to think of the supplies, though?” Samwise asked.

“No!” Prism glared at him. “The less I think of it, the more sleep I’ll get tonight.”

“You get enough sleep for half of Canterlot,” Plucky snarked. “You’re like half the reason why Princess Luna is so tired during the day. She keeps having to chase away your nightmares.”

“Hey! Hypersomnia is a real thing!” Prism growled.

“So is laziness.”

“Seriously, I’m pretty sure we ran out of food months ago...” Samwise murmured off to the side. “What have we been eating, snow cones?!”

“Sam, shut up!”

1000 Hours

It had taken a few hours, but Prism and Plucky had finally gotten their suddenly distraught and traumatized fellow Guard to calm down. He was currently nursing a warm mug of cider that had probably gone sour years ago, judging by the dates on the barrels. Luckily, the three of them had lost their sense of taste ever since they joined the Solar Guard, so it didn’t bother Samwise in the least. In the end, all three of them decided to share a cup to calm their nerves.

At the moment, all three had gone back to staring blankly out over the barren yet oddly beautiful landscape before them over the wall, forever denied to them. Birds flew overhead, their calls sounding like laughter in their ears, and dark clouds had rolled over the mountains.

“Looks like a storm’s coming,” Samwise remarked.

“What’ll it be this time, I wonder?” Prism yawned.

“I’m hoping for an intense lightning storm, personally,” Plucky replied. “That way I can climb up the tower and hold up my spear for the world to bear witness.”

Samwise shook his head. “Nah, you’d just conduct it into Prism’s room. Might even just recharge the magic batteries for another few years.”

“Drat, foiled again. Curse you, nature, just let me die!”

“Why are you so obsessed?” asked Prism. “You’re holding a weapon, for Celestia’s sake.”

“It’s about the bloody principle and presentation, damn it!” Plucky cried, throwing his spear down against the battlements. “I thought we already established me as the villain of our little group? If I’m going out, Faust better have a good method planned for me. I ain’t gonna go out like some punk Griffon.”

Samwise carefully edged a little farther away from him.

Prism shook her head and smirked. “You’re insane.”

“Thank you, I try.”

1200 Hours

It wasn’t a lightning storm, much to Plucky’s annoyance and Prism’s amusement.

It was just rain. Lots and lots of rain. So much, in fact, that the trio quickly made probably their only rational decision that day and abandoned the wall, taking refuge in the outpost’s main barracks. They couldn’t really complain too much, it was much warmer inside than outside, and the barracks offered a more comfortable setting. Still, boredom was quickly taking its toll as they waited for the rain to pass.

“Prism, got any threes?” Samwise asked.

“Go jump in a lake,” Prism muttered.

“That’s a no,” Plucky chuckled.

Samwise rolled his eyes. “I know how the game works.” He picked up another “card”, which was really just a tiny piece of paper with a Q and a spade drawn on it.

“Plucky, got any kings?” Prism yawned.

“Go jump in a lake.”

She raised an eyebrow at him.

“...That’s in-game, by the way, as amusing as it would be to watch you flounder.”

“Sometimes I can’t tell with you,” she giggled incessantly before drawing a card.

“Why is it called ‘Jump In A Lake’, anyway?” Samwise muttered. “Doesn’t seem very friendly, considering we’re, y’know, Ponies.”

“It’s what Earth Ponies came up with when they saw the Pegasi version of it, ‘Go Fish’. We don’t have any use for fish, so we created our own version,” Plucky replied. “Prism, fours?”

“Go jump in a lake.” He drew a card.

“But why a lake? Why not a pond, or a river? Less chance for you to get lost under there,” Samwise insisted. “Any fives, Pluck?”

“If I had to guess, it was so that Ponies like you would be out of the hair of Ponies like me for a long, long time,” Plucky smirked. “Go jump in a lake, by the way.”

“Liar, you’ve got a five right there!” Samwise pointed out.

“I resent that accusation of cheating,” the other stallion huffed. “Besides, how could you tell?”

“There was always one five --- hearts, I think --- that had a little notch in the right side,” Samwise replied. “We never bothered to fix it.”

Plucky frowned as he looked at the offending card. “Huh...so it does.” He flicked it over to him.

“Why would you cheat at ‘Jump In A Lake’?” Prism wondered aloud. “It’s like the easiest game ever invented.”

“A villain who’s wasted here has gotta make his living somehow,” Plucky muttered.

“Alright, let’s try something we haven’t done in a while,” Samwise said, putting his cards on the table. “Since we’ve outed you as a villain and a threat to the kingdom, how would you, if given the chance, conquer us?”

“Please, at least give me a challenge,” Plucky waved a hoof dismissively. “But if you insist.” He took a deep breath. “First things first, assassinate the Element Bearers.”

Prism nodded. “Fair enough. How would you do that?”

“I’d try to lure them in with whatever they liked, first. Pinkie Pie likes sweets, so I’ll simply poison a cupcake amid a baker’s dozen.”

“But what if she manages to eat all of the un-poisoned ones?” Samwise asked.

“Simple, they’re all poisoned. To seal the deal, I’ll eat one myself in front of her, then drain an entire cup of pre-prepared water with the only cure in it for miles.” Then he smirked. “And just to be sure, I’ll choose a poison that amplifies its effects depending on how much of it you eat, and then add an addictive sweetener in the recipe so that it makes her want to eat all the rest in one go.”

Prism winced. “That’s evil.”

Samwise nodded. “Alright, what about the others?”

“Rarity’s easy, literally. I’ll just charm her with my rugged good looks--” Prism fell on her back laughing. “That hurts, Prism. Anyway, I’ll charm her with good looks and my Old Ponish accent, then simply hire a mercenary to off her while we’re at our date. Then I’ll hire another mercenary to off the first one so that he can’t be traced back to me. For Princess Twilight, I’ll give her a trap book where she’ll simply touch an enchanted picture on the first page, which will trap her inside the book’s world for all eternity, and then I’ll tear out the pages and burn them. For Rainbow Dash, I’ll invite her to a Daring Do convention set up like a temple with real traps, only for it to actually be a temple full of real traps, specifically designed for a Pegasus of her speed and caliber. For Applejack...hmmm...have to get back to you on that one. Fluttershy I don’t even have to touch.”

Samwise tilted his head. “Why?”

“Even evil has standards,” Plucky replied, crossing his forehooves. “Besides, who could harm such a cute face?”

“She stared a Dragon into submission,” Prism reminded him.

“And out-stared a cockatrice,” Samwise added.

“No comment.”

Samwise chuckled. “Okay then, what about--”

“Rain’s stopped.”

The two stallions turned their attention to the window at Prism’s declaration, with Plucky sighing and picking up his spear. “Welp, break time’s over. Up and at ‘em.”

“At who?” Samwise muttered. “We’re the only Ponies around for miles.”

“Up, you moron.”

2300 Hours

This was it, the final stretch. They had argued, bickered, fought, squabbled, quarrelled, quibbled, feuded, and pettifogged, and it was almost time to call it a night. Luna’s moon had already gone up into the sky, and they had to fought the urge to fall asleep. Or at least, Plucky and Samwise had to.

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“I was just wondering...”

“Oh boy, here we go.”

“Shut up. I was just wondering...are we friends?”

Plucky gave him an exaggerated side-glance. “What brought this on?”

“We’ve been together for a year, dude. We’ve slept under the same roof, guarded the same stupid wall, ate the same tasteless and expired food, drank the same soured cider, shovelled the same filthy courtyard, cleaned the same miserable barracks, exchanged beds a few times, played games together, argued together, bled together, fought together, cried together, talked together, comforted each other, went to a prank war together, and even tried to strangle each other once out of desperation. I could go on and on but you get the point, right?”

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Plucky sighed. “It’s been a wild year, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah...what a time to be alive, huh?”

“Yeah...”

“Just kiss already,” Prism muttered, half-asleep.

“Shut up, Prism, we’re just friends,” Plucky growled.

“Could’ve fooled me, in more ways than one.”

The three of them sighed, staring out over the plains one more time. Samwise was right, they had done everything together and from day one had, for better or for worse, formed a connection of some kind, unhealthy or not. Despite Plucky’s unceasing insistence to the contrary, he would gladly fight tooth and nail to protect his two fellow Guards if any real, tangible threat were to show itself. Despite Prism’s quirks and apparent laziness, she would always be there to lend a hoof when needed. Despite Samwise’s terrible strategies and awful ideas, he was always around to provide some kind of insight and a new perspective on things, and was always the most positive out of the trio.

They may not have had the same connection that the Element Bearers had, but they didn’t have to. Friends came in all shapes and sizes, after all.

“You know,” Plucky spoke up, getting their attention. “I may be an unrepentant villain, and you two may be an miserable little git and a pathetic insomniac...”

Tonk-tonk-tonk.

“But I think, despite all that...”

Tonk-tonk-tonk.

“You two may just be the closest I’ve had to a proper family, y’know?”

Tonk-tonk-tonk!

Samwise smiled and nodded. “You too, you cynical bucker.”

Tonk-tonk-tonk!

“Does anypony hear that?” Prism wondered aloud, her ears perking up.

The two stallions fell silent and waited. Then...

TONK-TONK-TONK!

The three Guards looked at each other and blinked. “Is that...the gate?” Samwise asked.

“I don’t know,” Plucky admitted with a shrug. “I’ve never heard a knocking sound on it before. I think I’ve even forgotten what it sounded like.”

“What do you think is causing it?” Prism yawned, her eyes getting heavy again. “Some kinda bear?”

Samwise shook his head. “Nah, too small to be a bear.”

“Rabbit?” Plucky guessed.

“Too big for a rabbit.”

“Well, I’m stumped, then,” said Plucky.

“Oh, for Celestia’s sake, open the damn gate, you idiots!” roared an unknown voice.

Plucky smirked and looked over the edge. “You’re not fooling us, morons. We’ve seen your kind before; hallucinations from bad cider. We’re not being fooled again.”

“Son, this is Sergeant Cliff of the Battle Mage corps!” the voice yelled back. “Open this gate at once, or I’ll have you three put on report for disobeying a direct order!”

Suddenly, as if memories long forgotten rushed back into his head, Plucky’s eyes widened. “Good soldiers...follow orders...” he murmured, before shaking his head. “Ack, sorry Sarge! Didn’t know it was really you! Private Prism, um...lost the key to the gate though. We can’t find it.”

“What do you mean, ‘I lost the key’?!” Prism demanded, suddenly alert and glaring at him. “We all know it was you!”

“I have no idea what you mean,” Plucky insisted.

“It was you!”

“Nope.”

“You did it!”

“You’re clinically insane, Samwise said so. I’m not listening.”

“You lost our key to the outside world months ago, ya dingus!” Prism yelled, throwing her spear to the battlements and shaking a hoof at him. “Do you know how hard it is, being the only mare in an outpost of stallions?! I need my space, damn it!”

“There’s only two of us here, and you had half the base to yourself!” Plucky retorted, facing her with a scowl. “And you’re always asleep! Sam and I have had to clean the entire base while you were taking naps day-in, day out, you lazy twerp!”

“Take that back, you Trottingham bumpkin!”

“Make me, Manehattan freak!”

“That’s it! I’ve had it! You wanna die, here ya go!” Prism roared, launching herself at him and sending the two tumbling off the wall (into the base, which only increased their ire) and rolled around in a heap of swinging limbs and dented armor, shouting obscenities and full-blown threats against one another.

Samwise, meanwhile, merely stared blankly as they fought, yawning as Prism bit into Plucky’s hoof while Plucky throttled her. Not even the flap of wings bothered him as a black-armored, grey Thestral landed next to him.

“Hey, Sam,” said the Thestral.

“Hey, Ralph.”

“The sarge, Corporal Pointer, and I are your relief. Captain Shield Wall realized that he kinda forgot about you guys so he decided that somepony needed to take your place for the next few months while you guys got some leave.”

Plucky screamed in pain as Prism kicked him in the eye.

“That’s great, Ralph,” Samwise sighed. He looked up at the outpost tower with a frown as Plucky yanked at Prism’s mane.

“You know what that means, right?” Ralph pressed. “You guys can finally go home.”

“That’s just it, Ralph,” Samwise said, looking back at him. “We’ve been here so long, we almost don’t know what we’ll do with ourselves if we ever actually left.”

Ralph looked at him in pity, putting a hoof on his shoulder. “For what it’s worth, Sam, I’m sorry it took this long.”

Samwise watched the two brawling Guards and sighed again. “...I’m not. For better or worse, those two idiots down there are the best friends I’ve ever had.”

“Uh, hello? We’re still stuck down here!” Sergeant Cliff yelled from below.

“Coming, Sarge!” Ralph called back. He patted Samwise’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s open the gate for them.”

“We don’t have the key, though,” Samwise reminded him as they walked down the stairs.

Ralph laughed. “Dude, you could’ve left at any time. There’s a second mechanism that requires two Ponies to open as a backup, instead of one with the key.”

Samwise blinked. “Huh.”

“Wait! Wait-wait-wait-wait-WHOA!” Plucky cried out mid-punch, turning towards Ralph. “You mean to tell us that we could have gone to Trottingham at any time?! My hometown?! It’s only fifty miles south from here, across the drink! I could’ve been home on weekends!”

Following Ralph’s directions, he and Samwise worked the gatehouse’s machinery and opened the gate, allowing the very irate Sergeant Cliff and a highly bemused Earh Pony into the outpost. Cliff, the Unicorn, shook his head and forcefully pulled the two brawling Guards apart with magic. “You three are, without a doubt, the worst Solar Guards I’ve ever heard of.”

Plucky couldn’t resist. “But you have heard of us.”

Without another word, all three Solar Guards were thrown out of the outpost, along with their rusty spears and dented armor. As they rolled to a stop in the grass (with Samwise slamming upside-down into a half-buried boulder), they stood up and stared at the outpost that had been their impromptu prison for a year with an equal amount of resentment and melancholy.

They were outside. They had escaped. They were finally looking at the outpost from a forbidden angle. None of them knew what to say.

That is, until Plucky picked up his helmet and placed it on his head with a huff. “I pity those morons. They don’t know what they’re getting into.”

“Wanna bet on how long they’ll last before they begin planning ways on how to spit-roast each other?” Prism yawned.

“Three days,” Samwise said immediately.

“Please, it was two for me,” Plucky grinned sadistically.

“So now what?” asked Prism.

The three of them turned their backs to the outpost and looked at the mountains far away.

“Do you think that mountain’s tall enough for--” Plucky started.

“Plucky, we’re free, we’ve survived. You don’t have to think that way anymore,” Samwise chided.

“Just checking.”

0000 Hours

Outpost 13

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Have you wondered why we were sent here and not somepony else?” asked Ralph.

The sergeant shrugged. “Dunno.”

A loud crash echoed from inside the base, and the two of them sighed.

“Sorry!” Pointer yelled. “Th-that was my bad, haha!”

“Never mind, I know exactly why...” Cliff groaned. “Clumsy idiot.”

“These next few months are gonna suck, aren’t they?” Ralph remarked with a smirk.

“I hate you...”

Author's Note

Yep. I literally saw that picture I have for the cover art and used that entire image to make a comedy. And I think I dreamed it up after a night of insomnia and minor delirium, and then after giggling to myself and falling back to sleep, I ran with it the next day.

Hopefully you've got a chuckle or two out of it. God bless! :scootangel: