This is a good idea. You’re sure this is a good idea.
Yes, this is definitely a good idea.
You take a deep breath, gather up all your courage and step through the door to Ponyville Florists.
You see Roseluck behind the counter, running around the store checking on all kinds of flowers.
“Hello!” she says. “Welcome to Ponyville Florist! Can I help you find some flowers?”
“Yes,” you reply. “I’d like some flowers I can use if I’m going to ask a mare on a date.”
“Well,” she says, turning to the rows of vibrantly coloured flowers that fill the shop. “There’s a lot of flowers that are conventionally used as a romantic gesture.”
You smile. This was going just as planned. “Which is your personal favourite?” you ask her.
She laughs. “Roses, of course! I was named after them.”
You give her 15 bits and she picks up a rose from a vase of roses and hands you it.
This is it, you decide. The moment of truth.
“Roseluck,” you begin, “I’d like you to have this rose.”
She stares in confusion for a second before her eyes go wide in realization. “Oh! Did… did you just buy this flower for me?” she asks.
You nod.
“And you said you wanted a flower that you could use to ask someone on a date?” she continues.
You nod again.
“…are you asking me on a date?” she says.
You laugh. “Yes!” you say.
She smiles. “Okay, sure!”
You both stumble back into the Ponyville Florist late at night, slightly drunk, laughing together. You’re sure that this has been the best date of your life.
Roseluck titters drunkenly. “That was awesome! Best night ever!” she says.
You laugh and agree with her.
You decide to make this as romantic as possible. You see a guitar in the corner. “Hey,” you say. “sit over there, by the counter.”
She trots over and sits on a chair. You pick up the guitar.
Shit, you think to yourself. Are there any songs about roses or something?
You suddenly get an idea.
“Uhhh,” you say, starting to strum the guitar. What were the lyrics to that one song?
“Uhhh… some say love, it is a river… wait, that bit comes later. Fuck. Uhh…”
You realize you can’t remember any of the lyrics to “The Rose.” In fact, you can’t even play it – you’re playing the same 3 notes over and over again, and they sound like shit.
This is lame. You’re crashing and burning. You decide to improvise a song.
“Uhh… Hangin’ with Roseluck just feels so good just like I knew it would.”
She keeps staring at you. This is a total nightmare.
You keep singing anyway. “Laughing together and a-having a blast, and I hope it lasts forever! I can’t believe how hot she is, makes my insides feel like knotted twists, her pretty face and those long long legs and I hope some day we are more than just friends!”
You put the guitar down. That was the most facepalm thing you’ve ever done. You prepare to commit suicide at once.
Roseluck bursts out laughing.
“Hey,” she says. She laughs again. “Come here.”
You trot over to her. “What is i-“
You can’t finish your question as she jumps forward and kisses you. Her mouth tastes like alcohol and… roses, predictably. It’s strangely enticing.
You continue kissing her as you walk upstairs to her bedroom together. When you finally reach it, you push her down onto the bed.
Laying on top of her, you move your hips so that your penis grinds against her moist vagina. She gasps sharply, but the gasp turns into a moan.
“Mmm…” she moans. “W-wait a minute.”
You sit up. “What’s up?”
She smiles at you. “Uhh… dunno how to ask this.”
You stare at her for a minute. “Uh… what is it?” you ask.
She blushes and stares at the floor. “Uhh… do you want to lick my hooves?”
You stare at her in silence again. “Uhhhh,” you say, not knowing how to respond.
She looks worried. “I mean, it’s fine if you don’t, it’s just-“
You cut her off. “No problem,” you say, bending down and taking one of her hindlegs in your hooves. It might not be your thing, but it couldn’t hurt, right?
You plant a kiss on the centre of her hooves and she moans. It’s actually not so bad, in fact you find yourself kind of liking the feeling of-
Her leg suddenly jolts forward and she kicks you in the face. You hear a crunch as her hoof smashes into your snout. Blood begins to flow out of your nose.
“WHAT THE HELL?!!” you scream.
“Oh, God! I’m sorry!” she says. “I have a twitch in that leg!”
You stumble backwards out of the room, a ridiculous amount of blood flowing out of your nose. You keep walking backwards, desperately trying to find the bathroom to put a bandage on your face.
Unfortunately, upon taking one step back too far, you find your hindleg coming into contact with nothing. You’ve just moonwalked to the top of the stairs, and now you’re falling down them.
You scream as you tumble down the stairs, smashing into every single step.
For a second, you thought you were gonna be knocked into the sweet embrace of unconsciousness, but sadly no such luck – you’re still fully conscious and your entire body really hurts.
You madly stumble into whatever room you’re in, looking around for some kind of bandages or an ice pack or something. You trip forward and land in a pile of roses.
“THORNS!” you scream as your body is pierced by a merciless army of sharp rose thorns.
The light to the room flicks on as Roseluck enters.
“I’m sorry!” she says frantically. “Please stop running around! Just stay still and I’ll call an ambulance!”
You try to stay still. Only now does it occur to you that you’ve just fallen down some stairs and tumbled around with alcohol in your system. That’s never a good idea.
You feel a warmth rising in your throat and then proceed to vomit all over Roseluck.
You attempt to make an apology, but you slip on your own vomit and land face-first in the roses again.
You wake up in a soft bed in a white room.
“Oh… I’m in hospital,” you say. You’ve been here enough times to recognise the room.
“Yes,” says a very angry female voice from behind you. You turn around to see Nurse Redheart.
“Hey,” you say. “Listen, I know you don’t like me that much but we don’t have to be enemies.”
She smirks at you. “Well, guess what? The roses you fell in? They’re actually from a jungle in the homeland of the zebras. They’re incredibly poisonous to ponies. You’re on life support.”
You turn to see a life support machine hooked up to you.
“And,” Redheart says, “here’s the switch that turns it off. If you don’t want me to press it, you better start groveling now.”
You sigh. This is gonna be a sucky hospital visit.
