When Domino's opened its first location in Equestria, things were great. The pizza was good, and the service was fast.
But with everything good comes something bad.
The Noid, long-time enemy of Domino's Pizza, was back from his 40-year hibernation and ready to stop the pizza from being delivered.
On this particular day, Rainbow Dash was preparing to deliver a pizza, having finally decided to do something with her life. Before she left, however, the Domino's staff received the worst news a Domino's could receive, which was that the Noid had returned.
"What's the Noid?" asked Rainbow Dash. The Domino's employees looked at each other darkly.
"40 years ago," said one of them. "The Noid was a constant hindrance to our pizza delivery service. Every time we delivered a pizza, he would always be there to stop us. It was tough, but we managed to avoid him."
"Now," continued the other employee, "if he's back, it means he'll do anything he can to prevent you from delivering that pizza."
"Uhh...why?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"Only the Noid knows why he's decided to bother us," said the first employee.
"Guess you could say he's anNoid us," said the second. He chuckled for a moment before realizing nobody else was laughing. He stopped.
"Better get a move on before that pizza gets cold," said a third employee that had just emerged from the kitchen. "Remember, we've got a 30-minute guarantee."
"George! What did I say about coming out of the kitchen? We have pizzas to bake!" yelled the first employee.
"I had to take a piss, John!" the employee shot back before retreating to the kitchen.
"Good luck," the employee said, turning back to Rainbow. "Avoid the Noid!"
"Gotcha." And with that, Rainbow set off, determined to face anything the Noid threw at her.
What she wasn't expecting was for the Noid to actually throw things at her. A minute or so into her delivery, a cardboard pizza box thrown from below hit her in the face, causing her to lose sight of where she was flying. She removed the pizza box and continued flying, increasing her speed a bit.
Had she read the message written on the box, she might have been less surprised when an F-15 fighter jet approached her from behind. She turned, and her mouth fell open. The Noid, who was flying the plane, aimed the jet's guns at the pizza on Rainbow's back and began to fire.
Rainbow did her best to dodge the hundreds of bullets being shot at her, but it was too much. A bullet struck her in the back of her head, and in that moment she realized the bullets were not actual bullets, but tiny rubber projectiles that smelled like a dumpster. She shook it off and continued toward her destination, dodging the bits of rubber as she went.
Eventually, the jet stopped following her. "Ha!" she said out loud. A moment later, she realized she had spoken too soon. A small tank rumbled along below her, and not being able to immediately see it, she was hit in the underbelly by a large rubber tank shell. She lost control and crashed to the ground, falling face first into the grass. The pizza, thankfully, was untouched.
The Noid, seizing the opportunity, exited the tank, ran up to Rainbow Dash, and placed a pipe bomb on her head. Rainbow, realizing what was on her head, quickly shook it off and began to run away from it. Unfortunately, she was only able to travel a short distance before it exploded, sending Rainbow into the air for a moment before she fell on her face for the second time in 30 minutes.
Groaning, she got back up and tried to continue, but the Noid had another attack planned. He pulled a large net out of thin air and attempted to catch Rainbow with it, cackling in a high-pitched voice. His laugh became harder as the net hit its target.
Unfortunately for the Noid, the net was just a bit too small, allowing Rainbow to escape it before it could enclose her. But in the struggle, the pizza fell off her back.
She turned around to see the Noid look at her, the pizza, then her again.
At exactly the same time, both Rainbow and the Noid made a grab for the pizza, pitting the two in a game of tug of war. With superhuman effort, Rainbow managed to tug the pizza free without ruining it. The Noid, however, wasn't done. He jumped forward, making another grab for the box, but Rainbow dodged, causing him to hit the dirt. She took off running, desperate to finish the delivery before the Noid tried anything else.
Eventually, she spotted her destination. The Noid ran to catch up with her, but she was too fast. She reached the door, knocked, and when the pony that lived there answered, she shoved the pizza into his arms, gave him a tab to sign, and then took off, headed back to Domino's.
The Noid, accepting defeat, sighed and went off to go back into hibernation. He was gonna have to wait longer.
When Rainbow walked through the front door of the pizza joint, one of the employees asked her, "Did you deliver it?"
Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest and said proudly, "Yup."
Everyone cheered. Even George came back out of the kitchen to celebrate, only to be yelled at by John to go back to making pizzas ten seconds later. Every Domino's employee was happy about the Noid being avoided, and from that day on pizzas were delivered normally, like they should be.
Business was booming after that, and because of her insane delivery, Rainbow Dash became their best delivery pony. Sometimes people even stopped to watch as she carried orders around town. With the Noid gone, Domino's had no worries, and everybody was happy.
Except for George, who had to make pizzas every day and piss in a jar because he wasn't allowed to leave the kitchen.
Author's Note
This fic was delivered in under 30 minutes.
