Pinkie Pie's Voicemails

by Silent Whisper

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1733

Please leave a message after the [squee]!

Please leave a message after the [squee]!

This was written for the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting Group's "Write Something Terrible" Panic (though I did not, in fact, write terrible things.) We're on Discord here if you'd like to join us!

Published 2021-08-20 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-20 16:10:01 UTC

You have [16] new messages. Begin playback?

Hey Pinkie, it’s Fluttershy.

No, no, it’s okay, I know that you’re super busy and everything, but if you have a minu- ANGEL, NO!- if you have a minute, could you please stop by the cottage? I think Gummy’s been eating some of Harry the bear’s dinner, and I know he’s an alligator, but I don’t know if he’s been eating the usual amount of meat that one requires and I’m really worried he’ll get sick.

Please call me back as soon as you can!

Okaythanksbye.

DARling!

I have the SIMPLY MOST DREADFUL NEWS. I was invited to a party and it’s come to my attention that I have NO APPETISERS PREPARED. It’s UNIMAGINABLE that I attend without the proper addition to the potluck table!

I know I’m supposed to ask the Cakes first, but this is SIMPLY TOO IMPORTANT to wait in the queue. Would you be so kind as to create twelve dozen tiny cupcakes in time for Twinkleshine’s get-together? It’s tomorrow night.

THANK you, Pinkie DARling. I’ll be sure to pay you just as soon as I’m finished with my latest grand commission.

-to cancel your subscription, please hang up and dial 5 now.

Message repeats.

Congratulations, lucky pony! If you’re listening to this, you’ve won a FREE SUBSCRIPTION to Iron Will’s Heavy Lifting Magazine! Give yourself a round of applause now for being this fortunate!

freesubscriptiondoesnotcovershippingmaterialsorotherincidentalcosts

You’ve been selected due to your lucky location in the phone book! No need to thank Iron Will for his generosity!

billingwilloccuruponreceiptoffirstissuebeginningonfirstmondayofeachmonth

Just wait til you receive your brand new Heavy Lifting Magazine! Your life will be changed!

goatswillnotleaveuntilpaid

If you really want to turn down this FREE OFFER, Iron Will doesn’t understand, but Iron Will will provide this one-time opportunity to another pony instead of YOU!

theymayalsoeatyourlawnand/orporch

If you really want to cancel your subscription, please hang up and dial 5 now.

Message repeats.

Congratu-

Hi, Pinkie.

Reeaaally quick question. I know you’re very busy, and I don’t want to bother you while you’re doing other super-duper important things, but there’s something that I really would like to know and I’d appreciate it if you could get back to [DISTANT GROWLS]

Anyway, would Gummy happen to be fireproof? I know he’s a tough little gator, but he seems to think he’s strong enough to challenge a fire salamander to a staring contest. I, um… I don’t. Think he’s strong enough, that is. I- [LOUD HISSING] I don’t think he’s losing, per say, but I think losing would be the much better option. Fire salamanders don’t like to lose. The creatures they toast to a crisp don’t usually seem to like it either, and I...

Angel! Get AWAY from that phone cor-

Hey, Pinkie! It’s Starlight.

So, I’ve got some bad news, and it’s kind of a big deal. Remember when you came over to the castle to try out that new sweet bread recipe with me, and we both thought we had the best recipe and it turns out we both had the same book?

Yeah, so you took my copy. Now, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, because as far as I’m concerned, they’re identical, and a recipe book is a recipe book, but, uh…

… it wasn’t mine, okay? It was Twilight’s. I borrowed it, and now she’s kind of freaking out at me because the serial number’s off? It’s just a cookbook, I know, but she thinks there’s a difference. They’re the same edition! It’s the same bread recipe! But I don’t wanna lose access to the kitchen for a month. Trixie would kill me.

Message me back when you can, okay? Soon, if you’re able. Twilight looks like she’s gonna explode.

Hey, Hot Stuff.

Are You Looking For A Wonderful Night With A Very Special Pony?

Do You Have That Very Special Pony In Mind?

Goooood.

Think About Them For Me, And I Can Make All Your Dreams Co-

Oh, for Hive’s sake, another voicemail? Seriously??? Does ANY stupid horse answer their phone these days? Queen’s gonna kill me. Didn’t even get any residual long-distance love from this one. Not worth the rates we’re paying for this plan, let me tell ya.

Alright, next number, here we-

Hello, Pinkie! Fluttershy again.

I don’t have a lot of time because this is Cranky’s phone and it doesn’t have a lot of battery because he never really charges it but I have good news and bad news. The good news is that Gummy is pretty much fireproof and the bad news is that he can run a lot faster than I expected and now the cottage is on fire and I’d really appreciate it if yo-

Pinkie.

It’s Maud.

I got a flip phone.

Mudbriar said I should call you.

I’m calling you.

Hi Pinkie, from Maud.

Boulder also says hello.

[indistinct monotonous talking in the background]

Mudbriar says that you have my number now.

Goodbye, Pinkie.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

H- hello? Helloooo? Is this Apple Fritter? Ah’m callin’ fer-

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Hello.

This is an automated voice call for: PINKAMENA DIANE PIE.

You have [1] new message waiting for you at the Curly Ribbon Supply Shop.

Message reads: “pINKIE. pLEASE pICK uP yOUR oRDER iMMEDIATELY! tHE fIFTY tONES oF gENERIC mAGENTA pARTY rIBBONS aRE tAKING uP hALF mY wAREHOUSE!”

Press 1 now to replay message. Press 2 to reply to the message. Press 3 for more options.

Press 1 now to replay message. Press 2 to reply to the message. Press 3 for more options.

Press 1 now to replay message. Press 2 to reply to the message. Press 3 for more options.

Press 1 now to replay message. Press 2 to reply t-

PINKIE!!! DARLING!

I KNOW I said I’d wanted twelve dozen tiny cupcakes for tonight’s party, but they simply CANNOT work now! Do you know why?

The THEME! Pinkie, they’d neglected to give me the THEME! One canNOT serve tiny cupcakes for an “Autumn Chic” soiree! It would comPLETEly clash!

Would you, by any chance, be able to make peppermint bark instead? Only orange, perhaps? And roughly shaped like leaves, if you have the time? That would be EVER so helpful.

I know you’re busy, so I shan’t keep you. Ta-ta!

Good time of day to you, sir or madam.

We’re calling about your oven’s extended warranty. We at Frivolously Levitating Internal Management For Longliving Automated Machinery have heard that you haven’t been keeping up with your warranty, and we are more than happy to assist with that. Looking at our records that we didn’t find from looking through your windows via an automated spellwork process, it seems that you are in possession of a SprinkleTastic OvenMatic 2000!

Now, we’d be happy to send a contractor pony out to your location to ensure everything is completely operational so that we can personally extend your warranty! We do have one of our employees right near your location at...

Wait, is that Sugarcube Corner? Oh, sh-

Pinkie? It’s Fluttershy again. Sorry, Hi.

There’s been a new development. So, you know how Gummy was eating meat earlier? Well, he didn’t get sick. I think he liked it! Now, don’t worry, I know he wouldn’t hurt anypony. He can’t really bite anything hard enough to hurt them, and most critters are too big for him to swallow.

Fire salamander eggs, on the other hoof… he ate those just fine. Mister Salamander didn’t like that, and tried to spit fire into Gummy’s face, even though he knows how much property damage that caused last time.

Gummy… breathed fire back at him. This miiight have startled Gummy more than anypony. And don’t worry, he’s not hurt or anything! At least, I don’t think he is. I’ll let you know when we find him.

You might have a better vantage point than I do, from wherever you are. Call me back if you see which way the smoke in the Everfree Forest is going, okay? I’ll be able to track him from there, I hope. I’ll be looking myself, as soon as my eyes stop stinging.

I, um, hate to be rude, but I think most ponies would say that this would cost extra to deal with? If that doesn’t sound fair to you, just let me know. I don’t want to be pushy or anything.

Darling,

The party was cancelled. Thank you SO VERY much for changing the order at the last minute, but I shan't be needing it after all!

Pinkie? This is Twilight.

Sorry if my voice sounds weird. I think Spike was messing with the modulation options. Anyway, not to be rude or anything, but I think you have my book, and I really REALLY need it back!

The serial number is 1024 24 08! Do you know what that MEANS??!?!?! That’s the author’s BIRTHDAY in five years! It’ll make a GREAT collector’s edition then, and it HAS to stay in good condition until then!

Now, I know you keep your books relatively well-cared-for. You’re a really trustworthy pony! It’s not you, really. It’s… it’s the Cakes! The twins! They’ll chew up the book, or damage it somehow, and I can’t have that! What if they distract you and it falls into a bowl of batter? What if it falls in the OVEN, Pinkie? What would we do THEN??

Please respond at your earliest convenience, as this is a matter of utmost literary importance. Thanks!

Oh, and by the way, we loved the cookies you sent us. Please send more! Spike’s favorites were the ones with green sprinkles!

Hey, it’s… it’s Fluttershy.

We found Gummy. He’s fine. He’s never been better, really.

Listen, I… I can’t get to him. The Fire Salamanders have him in their burrows, and they say… they say that he’s their King, now?

You know where to find me, okay? It’s getting dark and I don’t wanna walk around Everfree any more. Please just… just come stop by my cottage when your vacation is over. I’ll walk you to the place, and you can handle it from there.

Before you ask, yes, my mane will regrow. The damage isn’t that bad, and Angel put out the worst of it.

My price for pet sitting Gummy just tripled. If that’s okay with you, that is.