The Mystery of the Wedding of Rainbow Dash

by Decaf

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random
Length: 1303

Someone is going to marry Rainbow Dash, but it is a mystery! Who will marry her? It is a mystery!

Who will marry Rainbow Dash? What other incredible twists will happen in this story? Can I ruin my entire reputation by publishing a crackfic? All these questions (and more!) will be answered in the story that you can click on and read with your own eyes (or ears, if you use text to speech.)

First place in the Quills and Sofas "Write something terrible" speedwrite competition. Exactly four (4) jokes have been added since winning the writer's prize of recognition.

(Cover art was AI generated, using the words "Horse wedding.")

Published 2021-08-22 05:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-22 05:40:00 UTC

Everyone Gasped

Rainbow Dash woke up from her alarm clock. “Twelve PM,” said the alarm clock. Rainbow Dash screamed. She was late for her own wedding.

As quick as a brown fox jumping over a lazy dog, she rushed to put on her wedding dress. It looked like a wonderbolts uniform, but it was actually a wedding dress. She didn’t like dresses because they weren’t easy to fly in, but she would make an acception for her big day.

Once the dress was on, she jumped out the window. Instead of hitting the ground and dying, she flew with her wings to the wedding.

Everypony, dragon, hippogriff, crystal pony, draquionuess, alicorn, and pony was at the wedding. It was at the base of a waterfall on a giant boat. Rainbow Dash liked boats.

Everyone gasped when Rainbow Dash flew above them.

“You’re probably wondering why I called you here today,” said Rainbow dash with her voice. “It’s because I’m getting married.”

“But who are you marrying?” asked the crowd.

“That’s just it,” said Rainbow Dash. “It is a mystery. If you can solve the mystery of who gets to marry me, Rainbow Dash, then you will have solved the mystery of the wedding of Rainbow Dash.”

All the people (ponies) on the boat were shocked. It was so cool and awesome of Rainbow Dash to have a mystery at her own wedding.

Quickly, but not too quick, everyone started to look for clues.

“Hm,” said Twilight Sparkle, like a smart pony, “I wonder if there are any clues nearby. I’m going to read about clues in this book I found.”

Twilight opened the book, and it was a picture of Rainbow Dash punching a boulder. In the next picture, the boulder clogged up a volcano, which saved the day. This actually happened.

“Wow, Rainbow Dash is so cool,” said Twilight, except in her mind. “Anypony would be lucky to marry her. It would be an honor and treat to be the wife/husband/spouse of such a cool pony.”

“I think I should marry Rainbow Dash,” said Applejack, responding to Twilight’s thoughts. “I am in love with her, and we are canon I’m pretty sure.”

“No!” said Rarity. “Applejack, you are married to me, and I am monogogmouse.”

“No, you’re in a monochromatic relationship,” said Twilight. “You’re married to me.”

The three ponies all tried to remember who was married to who, and forgot about solving the mystery of the wedding of Rainbow Dashe.

“I am Pinkie Pie,” said Pinkie Pie.

“Yes,” said Fluttershy, “I know you are.”

“Hey Rainbow Dash,” said Pinkie, ignoring Fluttershy because she is too quiet, “who do you want to get married to?”

“That’s easy!” said Rainbow Dash. “I want to marry-- wait, you’re supposed to solve the mystery? It’s not a mystery if there’s no mysteriousness.

All three laughed about how smart and clever Pinkie’s trick was.

Meanwhile, Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity agreed that they didn’t remember who was married to who and decided that it didn’t matter for the story of the mystery of the wedding of rainbow dorsh, so they stopped talking about it.

“What if I marry Rainbow Dash?” said Luna to Celestia.

“No.” said Celestia.

And that was all there was to say on the matter.

Soon everypony was asking everybody else who was marrying rainbow dash. It was pandemonium, like that one time I got trampled at the food court during black friday and had to get those pins in my legs.

“Wait a minute,” yelled a surprise Twist Character, “I have succeeded in solving the mystery! The Mystery of the Wedding of Rainbow Dash!”

It was such a shock that the ponies stopped attacking and looked to see who said that.

“Who said that?” said someone.

“It was me!” and the mystery twist character revealed who they were. It was such a twist that everyone gasped, then clapped in delight.

“Me is Apple Bloom, the twist character!”

(This is a twist because if you remember the last story Apple Bloom died. (This story was removed because it had the lyrics from the Danny Phantom theme song in it.) Spoilers for the last story: [spoiler text]Apple Bloom dies.[/no more spoilers])

“I thought you died!” said Trixie, who was there.

“I did die, but I’m better now. I escaped Tartarus, merged souls with Scootaloo, helped Zecora separate our souls, had to defeat evil zombie Scootaloo, then turned her into a normal not zombie pony, but with cool hair dye instead of just purple, as well as amazing zombie powers that I think are very cool. And now I am here to solve the mystery of the wedding. The wedding of Rainbow Dash!”

Rainbow Dash flew over, then stopped flying.

“Tell me the solution to the mystery.”

Apple Bloom smirked. “It’s elemental, deer Dashie. The first clue was that you are wearing a wonderbolts wedding dress.”

Rainbow Dash looked at her dress. She was right. It was wonderbolt’s.

“The second clue is that you started the mystery yourself.”

Rainbow Dash’s jaw fell off. She had started the mystery! All the clues were coming together like a puzzle made of pieces.

“The third and best clue is that Rainbow Dash told me that she wanted to marry Spitfire.”

The whole crowd cried out in joy, which was not agony.

Spitfire flew up. “Wait, this is my wedding to Rainbow Dash? What a mystery! I didn’t even know!”

Then everyone laughed. The mystery was solved, and all that was left was for them to get married.

“Rainbow Dash, do you and Spitfire agreed to be married now?” said the pony version of a priest. I guess Celestia? Sure, Celestia is doing the wedding.

“Yes!” they both said together, then kissed because they were horses.

The bells rang, the ponies clapped with their hooves, and the screen fades to black.

BUT THEN

The screen comes back! Because there is another twist that is about to happen!

“Now that we are married everything is good, except for one thing,” said Spitifre.

“What thing is not good?” asked Rainbow.

“I need to prepare for my rap battle!”

Rainbow squinted her eyes like they looked like were little button doll eyes. “Why are you rap battling?”

“Because I need to win the contest to raise enough money for the orphanage so it doesn’t get bulldozed and turned in to a parking lot!”

“Oh no! Who would bulldoze an orphan house? That’s so evil, only someone as evil as the Rainbow Factory version of me would do it.”

“No, it’s… Apple Bloom!”

Everyone gasped so loud their throats hurt from gasping.

Apple Bloom laughed in a way that revealed she was evil the whole time.

“Yes! I’m evil now! I’ve been possessed by satan, who is evil, and now I want to destroy the orphanage! You will never defeat my rhymes in the battle. You are already lost!”

Spitfire was sad, but still determined to win. “There’s one thing you didn’t count on,” she said. Then she rapped: “My name is Spitfire, and I spit fire!”

The power of that rhyme knocked satan out of Apple Bloom. Then Luna killed satan in a cool fight that you should draw fanart of. Then everyone cheered because satan was dead.

“I’m not evil anymore! And I love orphanages!” said Apple Bloom.

“We all learned a lesson today,” said Twilight. “It’s good to be friends, because friendship is magic. Sometimes, it’s also good to marry your friends if you are in love with them.”

Everyone thought it was a great moral, and they all laughed in a satisfying end of story fashion. Then it faded to black for real this time.

Author's Note

Autor's Nose: My personal philosophy for writing is, "Respect the audience's intelligence." For this story, I have disrespected your ignorance.