The Lost Patrol: Series 1

by Qub3d

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 9343

Two C.A.P. Cadets end up in equestria while searching for a lost hiker.

Allen has a pretty good life. He enjoys what he does, but things are never quite right for him. He even gets to assist in emergency operations through the Civil Air Patrol! During a ground search for a lost person, The ground team leader, Tony, and Allen are sent to Equestria. Then, they have to go find the essence of evil, personified. All part of a normal day, right?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-11 20:11:53 UTC

Entering the Realm

Important! This story takes place in Totallynotabrony's "Dreams" universe. Reading these stories is highly recommended.

Chapter One:

Hey there, my name is Allen, and I am what you call a human. That is, for those uninformed, I walk on two legs, and stand about 5 foot 8 inches tall when upright. The only real hair I have is on my head, which happens to be brown, and cut very short. I prefer to wear T-shirts and denim pants, like any other guy my age. From what I've been told, my face always looks cross. Perhaps its the thick eyebrows... Anyways, i'm on the thinner side, with 160 pounds' weight. My skin is very tan, even for a white Kansas kid, because of all the outdoor stuff I enjoy, but that's hardly relevant. This is all how I remember myself looking when that day occurred.

I was reading a comic book. It was an old one of my dads, called “Crock”, which had a running gag on a lost foreign legion squad, called The Lost Patrol. They sent upside-down smoke signals, held committee meetings as to why they were lost every Wednesday, and dragged cannons through the sand without wheels so as not to leave wheel tracks. I always got a chuckle out of how stupid they were, especially considering that I had just been added to the Wichita Ground Team Patrol. You see, even though I’m only 14, I have the honor of being part of a United States Air Force cadet auxiliary, known as the Civil Air Patrol. All us Veterans it just call it CAP. One of the missions of CAP is to provide emergency services; Ground Teams are units of cadets that go about searching for lost/missing persons, and provide aid in times of civil or natural disaster.

“Allen! Telephone!” My step-mom called up the stairs.

I honestly couldn't stand my family. One of the reasons I joined CAP was so I could get away from my step-mom (who mainly ignores me) and my “Dad” (who has never not lived paycheck-to-paycheck, and is on his fourth wife).

“Coming, mom.”

It’s probably just an idiot classmate who forgot the history homework. I grabbed the handset from the hallway, switching the over to the call as I put the phone to my ear.

“Cadet Hamilton?”, asked a voice. “This is Chief Baler. We’ve been called out to find a missing hiker to the north. Get your 48 hour pack ready, I think we may be out a few days.”

I was so excited! My first real emergency, not just a SAREX or a training exercise.

“I’ll be at HQ in 20 minutes.”

22 Minutes later, I entered the CAP Wichita Command. Thankfully, the building was within walking distance; neither parent could ever be bothered to drive me there. Tony Baler looked up from the safety forms he was reviewing, and glanced at his watch.

“Two minutes late. We better not have a dishonest cadet as our newest member,” He chided me. His voice had the chilling effect of a metal bar against bare skin.

“Sorry, sir-er, Chief.”

Tony was a Cadet Chief Master Sergeant, calling a chief “sir” was akin to asking to have your head bitten off.

Tony, realizing my nervousness, said in a softer voice,”Hey, don’t worry. This is a pretty routine mission, the perfect one to cut your teeth on.”

“Yeah, about that...” I mused, “This is Kansas. Why don’t we just send out aircraft?”

“Well, two reasons. First, we like our younger cadets to get experience, and you know that only members 18 and older can be on a flight team. Second, we DID have a flight crew search in a fifty mile radius of the last known location, but nothing turned up. It is entirely possible that they didn’t see the hiker right under their nose, so we need to go in and do a thorough search. Now, its time to meet your new best friends.”

Counting the Chief and I, we had a total of eight cadets on the team, with one Senior CAP Advisor and safety officer, who would mainly be running the com-links and picking up fresh supplies for us every night. We estimated a maximum of five days of searching. At that point, the Feds take over, since after that long they are probably going to find a corpse, not a hiker. We hopped in the van with the familiar Triangle Propeller logo on the side, and headed out towards the open space to the North. The thing many never realize about Wichita is that it has a little over 4,800 acres of park and open space, not counting the undeveloped land surrounding some of those parks. A hiker, being on a virtually flat terrain, could get lost without maps, GPS, or compass, because points of reference were nil in some areas.

This open space park looked like the same prairie grassland, horizon to horizon. Jumping out of the van, I stretched my legs and put on my sunglasses.

“OK, base camp is going to be by the visitor center, over there. That way we have facilities and a building to look for if we get disoriented. I want to cover ten square miles per day, so we can really comb the areas that the air team checked out. No time to lose, lets go!”

Finishing his directions, Tony set off down the path at a brisk walking pace. We’d cover the closest sections, then head outwards from there.

The first two days were uneventful. We found and searched a few areas that, while appearing to be flat ground from the aerial photographs, actually turned out to be rock overhangs. This heartened us to the idea that the hiker had eventually just camped beneath one of those, obscured them to aerial view. We also quickly learned the climate. While blistering hot and humid in the day, the open prairie became shockingly cold at night. I noticed that when Tony got uncomfortable or tired, he’d pull out some sort of keychain thing, and would grip it tightly, almost as if it were a talisman of strength and courage.

Whatever is was, we decided it worked, as Chief Baler quickly earned the name “Chief Badass”. On the first day, a cadet had stopped to hydrate and adjust their boots, but neglected to tell anyone. When it was noticed that she was missing, Tony immediately turned the group over to Technical Sergeant James, and ran back in the other direction, breaking several safety conventions. However, being the fastest runner and a master orienteer, he wanted to get the cadet back to the group and on schedule as quickly as possible, something he could do best without one of us slowing him down. When they came back ten minutes later, the cadet looked a little pale.

“Rattlesnake” commented the chief, not even out of breath. “I had to crush its head with a rock.”

The cadet hadn’t meant to get behind, but the rock she sat on had a sleeping rattlesnake beneath it. She had sat motionless for nearly twenty minutes. With a stern reminder to just ask next time, the cadet moved to the center of the pack, and we spread out into search formation.

I flopped out of my cot on day three, now quite adjusted to the routine. The chief called us together and announced that we would now switch to a scouting tactic, where a group of two or three would go around and find any geographic features that could obscure a person from the view of a plane. He’d need the fastest cadets to go with him. As I ran cross-country, I volunteered. Another cadet, called Riker, stepped forward, saying that his experience in track made him a good runner. Chief Badass, cadet Riker, and I set out on day three towards the search area at a brisk jog.

“No need to overdo it” Baler reminded us.

However, by mile three, it was apparent that our “Track Star” Riker was out of gas. Chief Baler had us take a seat as he radioed back for someone to come and get Riker. The Chief sat a few meters away from us, and pulled out his keychain.

After a few minutes, I approached the Chief, wanting to ask about where we would head once Riker was taken back.

“Hey, Chief, I-”

I stopped as I saw what the keychain he was hastily putting into his pocket was.

“Um, what do you need?” He asked, flushing bright red.

“Was...was that a...” I returned slowly, searching for the right word. “...pony?”

Baler sighed. “Two things. One, don’t let this get in the way of the mission. Second, its a Unicorn, named Rarity. I’m what you call a brony. Just roll with it, Please?”

This was a paradigm shift in manliness. However, a leader is a leader and this guy was still the long-distance running, snake-killing, chief bad-ass. In a way, it was almost a relief to know he wasn't perfect.

The rest of the time was spent in silence, until, thankfully, the two cadets sent to pick up Riker arrived. The Chief and I set off at a brisker pace than before, both of us pushing ourselves as we did not want to have enough breath to converse. After another 4 miles, we came across the largest rock outcropping we had yet seen. We came to a stop, and Baler pulled out the park map.

“Odd. this isn’t on the map.”

Venturing further, I noticed a granola bar wrapper tangled into a dead shrub. “Chief!”

Going under the rock outcropping, we came across another granola wrapper, and an empty water bottle. Baler ran his finger along the bottle's rim.

“Still wet. I think we got here in time. He MUST be close by...”

Then we saw the crevice. A large, round hole led into a cavern beneath the rock. We could see a faint glow coming from the hole, and figured that it must be a small cave with several openings.

“Hello? This is Civil Air Patrol Cadet Chief Master Sergeant Tony Baler, we are here to assist you.”

No response.

He looked at me, and said in a low, even voice, “Frankly, what I want to do is not what we are supposed to do. You see, I have 150 feet of climbing rope...”

“Say no more, I’m in.” I was excited, thinking about my name in the papers.

Tying on to a large boulder, Tony pulled out a couple of carabiners and two shorter lengths of rope, which he made into harnesses. As it turns out, the drop was only two and a half feet, so the rope and harnesses weren’t needed. Entering the small cavern, we saw a glow was emanating from a foot-long tapered spike, and four, round metal shoes. They were the oddest shoes, I could swear that they were made for a horse, but they were much too small. Baler went over and picked up the spike. He then pulled out his pony keychain.

Looking from one to the other, we both said “...No. way.”

Tony turned around, and, for the first time, noticed a deep handprint in the smooth rock face. He absentmindedly ran his hand down the rock, letting it come to rest in the print. It fit his hand perfectly. Suddenly, the glow from the metal shoes and the “unicorn" horn turned to a bright, L.E.D. blue. Then, darkness.

I yawned, slowly coming to. My eyes closed, I felt grass beneath me, and I heard noises to my left. Guess that wherever we were, Tony was here, too. I opened my eyes, and immediately felt very sick and dizzy. I was looking through a fisheye lens! No... wait. My eyes, they’re on the sides of my head. I’m no longer a predator, huh. I then looked down, and my legs gave out. All. Four. Of .Them. Four legs, ending in.. hooves? And wow, was I green! I looked like some kid had taken a sea foam crayon to me. I looked over at Tony, and was greeted by the sight of a muscular, off-white winged horse. What were they called? Tony spoke.

“Holy shit. I’m a Pegasus. You... you’re a Unicorn.”

“Are we dreaming?” asked Tony as we walked, or should I say, trotted, over an impossibly green hill.

Still getting the hang of those eyes. Man, I could see so much! Unfortunately, to focus on something, I basically had to go cross-eyed. Ah, well.

Tony was glassy-eyed. He unconsciously sat on his haunches. "...Wow. Wooow. He-he-heee... my tongue feels weird."

Great. Looks like this experience had broken the Chief.

I was automatically slipping into "Am I in the Matrix?" mindset. Believe it or not, at a younger age, I had made an made a generalization that would result in some expensive couch-sitting with shrinks, and an overall subjective view on life. Basically, its a condition referred to as Solipsism. Years of internal argument had resulted in a mental checklist on deciding if reality was...well... real.

First, Feel. I could smell the scent of grass, wood, lavender, and... pony, I guess. The light breeze in the area tickled my hide. My mouth was much longer, the molars remarkably flatter. I felt as if I was walking on wooden blocks, and a foreign sensation... ah, that would be my tail, doing whatever tails do. I dropped, hitting the ground with a soft swoosh, and feel the unpleasant sensation of air being knocked from the lungs. Pain was evident. I absent-mindedly raised my hand-er, hoof, to my forehead and felt the spike. How about that, I have a horn. Overall, incredibly detailed and alive feeling.

Second, logic. Well, generally, dreams are not an active experiences. Your brain is on auto-pilot, filing away the days memories. Yes, this could be what is called a lucid dream, but I know from experiences I can actually force myself to wake up from those. Here, I cannot.

I subscribe to Sherlockian logic. "After eliminating all other erroneous possibilities, whatever remains, *however improbable** must be the truth."*  Yeah, its rather crazy, but I felt that logically, I could say I was actually a small, anthropomorphic pony. I'm really a simple guy when it comes to internal battles.

And then there was Chief "Badass"...

Tony seemed to be attempting five different emotional displays at once. I approached him, and he gazed up at me.

"I'm dreaming, right?"

I sighed. "You already asked me that, and I doubt it. For one thing, we are BOTH here, in this thing. What kind of a dream does that?”

“True... but now what should we do? I mean, to get back?”

I grimaced at this. "Lets focus on one thing at time. Do you even think there is life here?"

“Yeah..." Tony glanced around, and what I assumed the pony equivalent of a knowing expansion flashed on his features. "Yeah, I do. I actually think I know where we are. Now, I’m still your superior, and until further evidence is presented, we are going to act the the men we are!”

“Heh, men...”

“Shut up.”

I could tell that something as off. Tony had been pretty laid back and quiet when he wasn't ordering us to do something. Now, he was irrational, emotional. As he turned away from me, I could swear I saw him grinning. Captain, Mr. Spock isn't firing all thrusters right now...

We headed off in one direction until we met a stark line of trees. You know the forbidden forest in Harry Potter? It looked like a city park compared to this.

“Well, I don’t think we’ll find much life in there, at least, anything that won’t eat us...”

I silently remembered that we were now technically prey, albeit very well trained prey. We decided to turn to the right, and follow the treeline. Now we began to notice the benefits of being four-legged. I was easily running an six minute mile without a second thought.

After what seemed like three hours, we saw something in the distance. Houses. And around and in the houses... more of us! Or, more of our species, so to speak. They were all colors and sizes, and each had this tattoo thing on their hindquarters.

“Jeez, I hope there isn't some sort of initiation ritual...”

Tony gave me a sideways glance, then rolled his eyes. Somehow, he knew quite a lot about this place, and was much more at ease than I. What did he say he was? A... broski? Something like that.

One of the creatures, a bright pink monstrosity, noticed the two of us at the top of the hill.

Thanks to The Only Brony in the Army for editing.

Lyra, Bon-Bon, Valiant, and Memories

Chapter Two:

I couldn’t sleep. After tossing and turning for three hours, I decided to go find a glass of water. Then I began to wonder how I’d drink it without opposable thumbs. I looked across at the snoring white pegasus on the other sofa in the room. How was Tony OK with all of this? Didn’t he wonder about those we left behind? I had so many questions, and for every answer I found, I seemed to only discover 30 new questions based on those answers.

We were staying in the living room of two very nice girls, or should I say mares, named Lyra and Bon-Bon. Lyra was a sea-green unicorn; she could be my female doppelganger, if my mane wasn’t white. Bon-Bon was a tan all-around regular pony (she called herself an “earth pony”) with a pink-and-blue mane. Together, they made an eccentric duo, but were the only ponies to offer us housing after we explained our situation.

~~

“You guys were humans? Riiight...” The green unicorn’s reaction seemed to puzzle Tony. I was still reeling from the bubblegum-pink-sugar-high-in-an-organism that took one look at us, gasped, and galloped off to who knows where. They way she looked at me made me wonder if the horn on my head was genatalia.

“Well, we were. When we showed up in Equestria, we look like you see us now.”

Tony somehow knew where we were, which for all intents and purposes, was  the land of his imaginary keychain. Honestly, I’d have been a little more judgemental if we weren’t actually in the middle of it.

“Hmm. I need a way to test you. Do you have anything that could prove it?”

Lyra’s less-than-enthusiastic reply showed that she wasn’t buying it. Tony, on seeing her, had excitedly told me she would freak out about us being human. And I quote, his actual words were, “She does it ALL the time, in the stuff I’ve read.” What, does he have the freaking encyclopedia of What to do if some Ancient Artifacts Magically Transport you to a World Designed for 6-Year Olds?

As the time here had gone by, I noticed myself growing in cynicism inverse to Tony’s loss of any military bearing. Chief Badass was quickly becoming Chief Weird-Ass in my book. The guy was acting like a grade-school girl. I mean, don’t get me started on Tony’s reaction to wings. He couldn’t even figure out how to spread them until he looked south on a certain mare, then they just kinda went FOMP, spreading on full glory, while leaving him very red faced.

Tony seemed to be letting out something he had held up inside for a very long time. Really, how could this gushing fanboy be at all close to the rattlesnake killer I had gotten to know over the previous days? Whatever the reason, I knew I’d never see Tony as my Chief again. My best guess was that this passion he held inside him was already bursting at the seams. Seriously, his most prized personal belonging was a keychain shaped like a white unicorn with a purple mane!

“Well, I have my survival pack... Or I did. Allen, can you give me your pack? Allen?” Tony sighed, then snapped, “Cadet Hamilton. Your survival pack.”

On the word cadet, I snapped back to the present surroundings. My training paid off, as I was handing my survival pack to Tony about 3 seconds before I realized what he wanted me to do.

“Look, do you think this was made for a... pony...”

Tony’s dwindling sentence gave me pause. I glanced at the pack, and noticed some subtle differences. First, the pack was designed to be accessed without opposable thumbs. Everything was oriented to be grabbed from a horse’s back, too. Wow, those were some damn powerful artifacts...

“OK, I see here that you truly believe you once were humans.” Tony relaxed at Lyra’s statement, “So i’m going to take you to the one other pony that can tell. Follow me.”

Wait, what? How could any other pony decide our human-ness better than her?

“Wait, what?” Tony’s reply proved to me that while great minds think alike, stupid minds did the same thing.

“It’s time to find Plymouth Valiant.”

Tony and I fell into step behind Lyra. I had reached that critical mass of brain non-sequitur, so I no longer felt like asking questions. We approached a house made from a tree. Or, was a it a tree grown around a house?

“Wow. The Ponyville Library. I’m actually here...” Breathed Tony, mouth agape.

A door at the base of the tree began to glow purple, and swung open, revealing a purple unicorn. “Hi there! How can I help you, Lyra?”

“Hey, Twilight. I need to speak with Valiant.”

At the mention of our mysterious human-judger, Twilight gave a frown. “Ugh. He’s out, probably killing something with that stupid flying robot of his...”

Tony was surprised as I was. “Flying robot!?” Tony blurted, bringing Twilight’s attention to the white Pegasus.

“Yes. I know, it’s slightly worrying. Oh, my name is Twilight Sparkle, by the way. What is yours?”

Tony seemed to be in shock. It was now my turn to nudge him, muttering “Cadet, your name.”

“Chief Master Sergeant Tony Baler!” Tony spoke out, automatically.

“What?” giggled Twilight. “Can I just call you Chief? That’s a really long name, and i’m fine with first-names only.”

“Whu-oh. I’m sorry. Call me Tony. This here is my... um...” Tony glanced at me, searching for the right words.

“...Cousin! Hi, I am Allen.” I said quickly.

“Hello, Allen. You know, you guys have really funny names, for ponies.”

Oh the irony, having your name critiqued by a purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. I swear, this stuff couldn't come from a made-up story...

Lyra sighed. “OK, fellas. You can stay the night us, for now. We’ll  try and find Valiant tomorrow.”

As she turned to show us to her place, Tony made the strangest noise I have ever heard.

~~

I came back to the present, and rose from the couch, going into the adjacent kitchen. I eventually just stuck my head under the faucet. Seriously, how can you be expected to hold a glass without fingers? I suppose magic had something to do with it, but I had no idea how to use it. I sat back down on the couch, looking out through the living room window.

Boy, it was beautiful out there. I was always a night owl; rarely did I go to sleep before midnight, even on school days. I always get entranced by how our one planet can have two completely different worlds on it, depending on the glowing thing in the sky. Speaking of, the moon here was huge. I knew it wasn’t my familiar one, as a pony’s head was vaguely outlined in the many craters and rough patches on the planetoid surface. All in all, I decided that any astronomer would happily spend time charting these foreign skies.

“Thou takest thy compliments too far, young one. We are very flattered.”

The voice came from my left. I spun around, to see a very powerful sight: The tallest pony I had yet seen, several inches taller than I stood, returned my gaze. Dressed in a powerful dark blue metallic armor, the mysterious pony looked as if the night itself had manifested into a living thing.

“Thou could say that. we are the princess of the night, after all.” She gave a small chuckle.

“So, a princess. And the princess of the night.” I thought.

It was at this moment that I realized two things: 1) She had wings AND a horn. 2) She was fucking reading my mind.

“Yes, we can do that. Thou should refrain from such language. It is not befitting of any pony, even if they come from realms outside this one.”

“You... you know?” I asked, amazed for yet another time.

“Yes. Now, enough of the pleasantry, Thou art a trespasser from another world. Explain to us how thine self came upon the safety lines.”

I drew a blank.

The princess of the night sighed. “We see. We must further probe thy thoughts to find the answer.”

She lowered her head, pointing her horn at me. A glowing aura surrounded the both of us, and the outside world blurred into a dreamy dark blue, only to reappear moments later as a study, complete with reading lamps and an old-style desk. Motioning to a padded seat in the corner, the princess commanded me to sit.

“Understand this is necessary, so both your and our questions may be fully answered.”

I sat, and the world became a dreamy landscape of color.

A big thanks to totallynotabrony for editing this chapter!

Luna, won't you cry for us?

Chapter Three:

Tony was awoken by the sound of conversation. Opening his eyes, he only caught a glimpse of the room before he was blinded by a bright flash. Blinking the stars from his eyes, he jumped up, and ran to the spot where he had just seen Allen. Tony gasped.

“No... it couldn’t have been...”

“Tony? Allen? What’s going on?” Mumbled a sleepy Bon-Bon, half-stumbling down the stairs. “Its like... 3 A.M.!”

“Ah, this might sound weird, but... I think Allen was kidnapped by Princess Luna,” Tony answered.

“Princess... Luna?” Bon-Bon repeated, still half-asleep.

“OK. How many dark blue Alicorns do you know?” Things were sinking into Tony’s mind. “Oh shit! She must know about us! We’ve done something horrible to the balance of time and space and now she has to painfully kill one of us to fix it and Allen saved my life and WE NEED TO SAVE HIM.”

Lyra had at this point ventured downstairs as well. “What? Tony, get a hold of yourself!”

“NO TIME!” Tony shouted. “I need to go to Canterlot, and ASAP!”

Lyra glanced at  Bon-Bon, who shrugged, as if to say ‘You took the weirdo in, he’s your problem’, and trotted back up the stairs.

Sighing, Lyra told Tony to go get Valiant. “He’s at the Library. At the very least, maybe he can explain things to you better than I can.”

Tony was gone before Lyra had finished her sentence.

~~

A dreamy voice flowed through Allen’s dreams, accompanying him through memories of his previous few days. Allen felt calmer than he had for a long time. Then, he woke up.

“Allen, are you awake?” A female voice above him spoke.

“...Five more minutes, mom. I won’t be late for school...” Allen mumbled.

Luna chuckled. “Humans really aren’t that different from the young of equestria, are they?”

That made Allen’s eyes snap open.

“Oh, um... heh. Sorry ‘bout that. I just had the most wondrous sleep. It was like... wait a second.” Allen’s eyes narrowed. “You were reading my mind like a book!”

“Do not worry, your thoughts are safe with us. We have kept secrets much darker than yours for thousands of years, and we doubt these will be troublesome.”

“OK, good. Hang on... thousands of years? That has to be a hyperbole.”

“No, it is not. Allen, you have provided much information about your world, its time we give you information on ours.”

Allen once again fell into a limbo world as Luna and his minds became one once more. This time, however, the dreams were not his, but the Princess’s.

~~

Tony rapped the door impatiently with his hoof.

“Yeah, hang on. I’m coming, already. Sheesh, what kind of a dumb horse needs to check out a book at effing 5 in the morning?”

The door cracked open, allowing a bloodshot eye with a grey iris to stare out at Tony. “Never seen you before... Hang on, you’re that one guy that Twilight said wanted to talk to me... You don’t work for Photo Finish, do you?”

“What? No! Lyra told me you were the guy to see about fast transportation.”

The grey eye rolled. “Lyra? Oh, so you’re a ‘human’ fanboy.”

Tony chuckled. “How could I be a fan of myself?”

The grey eye widened. Whoops. Damn Tony’s half-asleep mind.

“Uh, well, I didn’t mean that I’m a human, I meant that I, uh...”

The door flung open, and Tony was yanked inside.

“How did you get here? Did you fall asleep, or did you find a stone, or what?!?” The eye Tony had been talking to belonged to an orange earth pony with a... Plymouth hood ornament? on his rump. The orange pony was eyeing him with a look Tony couldn’t quite discern. It was like the pony was anxious, angry, happy, and worried, all at the same time.

“Um... well, long story short, I found a bunch of weird objects in a cave while on a search and rescue mission, and me and this other guy... got teleported... to here.”

“Other guy? What happened to him?”

Tony remembered Allen, and his urgency returned. “Oh, yeah! That’s why I need to get to Canterlot! Luna kidnapped him!”

“Are you serious? Come on, let’s get to the choppa!” The pony had a wide, slightly insane, grin on his face. “Name’s Plymouth Valiant, by the way.”

~~

Allen sat across from Luna, eyes wide.

“So... you’ve been sending ponies to our world?”

“We wished to learn more about how this Plymouth Valiant came to our lands. With discovery of such a pony-turned-human, I needed to learn of the magic that had sent him to us, and find a way to control it. We’ve told you some of the things this Valiant has done here; imagine what 30 more like him could do together!”

Allen could imagine it. There was a reason he had joined the Civil Air Patrol, and it certainly was not because his world was perfect. He imagined some twisted dictator waking up in Equestria. It wouldn’t be pretty. He didn’t want to think about that scenario any more, so he changed the subject.

“So... that lost hiker...”

“A pony who was recalled to equestria. We certainly underestimated the value you put on human life. You humans, a species capable of war, destruction and neglect, and yet there are groups of you who spend their lives working to fix it at the same time... Yes. The artifacts you found were designed for one use only; they destroy themselves within minutes of their use. It was amazing you discovered them so soon after they had been used.”

“Then... can you send us back?” Allen asked hopefully.

Luna looked down at Allen sadly. “No.”

Luna took a breath, but before she could continue, a large mechanical flying machine smashed through the wall.

As the dust cleared, Allen looked up from the fetal position he had somehow wound up in to see Tony staring down at him.

“Allen... you’re alive!” Tony broke into a grin.

“Um, yeah?” Allen looked through narrow eyes up at Tony.

Tony’s grin shrank by a couple of teeth. “What?”

An orange pony, who had been standing behind Tony, snorted in frustration.

“These aren’t the torture chambers! Sorry, Tony. Wait... is that Allen? Damnit, he isn’t dead or maimed!”

Allen’s mouth hung open.

“Oh, yeah. My name is Valiant. Tony hitched a ride on my flying robot.”

“YOU! You are the reason I’m stuck in Lalaland with Captain Brony here!”

Tony and Valiant took a step back.

“Luna told me everything. Tony, iIm sorry, but our lost hiker never existed. Also, we’re stuck here.”

Saying Tony was confused would be like calling the arctic “a tad nippy”. “We’re stuck here? Why?”

“Well, Luna WAS going to explain that, before you imbeciles came crashing in to save the day.”

The three human/ponies turned to look at Luna.

Luna gazed down haughtily, speaking the the full dialect of the royal family. “We see thou art done with thy arguments. It is time all received an explanation. Valiant, we expect help in repairing that wall.”

Valiant grumbled, but sat down.

“We cannot let you go. Equestria needs you.”

Evil, Personified

Chapter Four

“Equestria needs... Us? What is this, the Avengers?” Allen was expecting one of many possible phrases to be uttered by the princess, but not that. “What can two strangers from another planet do for you?”

Luna filled them in. As it turned out, when Luna’s first explorers began reporting back information as to the nature of Earth and its life, they were shocked by the bloodshed, anger, coldness, and overall negativity of humans. The most shocking part, in Luna’s royal opinion, was how these human creatures could also show hints of a better nature: kindness to strangers, a good laugh, even strong friendships!

“There is only one good explanation, in my opinion, as to why humans can do such different things.” Luna gazed at the pony/humans in an almost sad way. “These negative things, while present in every human from their birth, cannot be an integral part of humans. Have you heard of Discord?”

Allen said no, Tony said yes, and Valiant laughed.

“You mean that dude that I helped defeat with Tom?” guffawed Valiant. “What does Mr. ‘Stoned’ have anything to do with earth?”

Luna glared at Valiant, but continued. “Much like our famed ‘Elements of Harmony’, there are elements that Discord is but one of. The elements of Darkness. Long ago, when the universe was young, Celestia and I were members of the universal court that decreed the elements of Darkness broken. You see, my little ponies, where there is not something existing, there is empty space. Darkness is what occupies this space, and reigns over. Breaking apart the elements allowed the Great Powers to bring the universe into its current form.”

Allen’s mouth stood agape. Tony spoke for every human in the room, asking Luna, “So... if Discord is here... then something is on Earth?”

At this, Luna shed a single tear. “Yes. I am sorry to tell you this, believe me.” Returning to a standing position, Luna looked each in the eyes. “Just as magic is the greatest element of harmony, so one element of Darkness exists through the others, controlling and gaining power when others are near. I strongly believe that the element of Evil resides on Earth.”

Luna’s voice lost its sadness. “Evil was a strange element. It chose to hide itself, never revealing its true form. It was in this way that it could survive, even while under watch of the Great Powers. Evil nests in the heart of anything that does not contain darkness, and strives to infect it. After the eons humanity has lived with evil, it is amazing to see that there is any goodness left in you. Truly, humans are stronger than they appear.”

Allen spoke up, asking, “So... evil exists on Earth. Why does Equestria care?”

Luna turned to Allen. “Both worlds should worry. With the connection formed, Discord and Evil are dangerously close to uniting. If Evil finds its way into Equestria, well...” Luna looked meaningfully at Allen.

“OK... but, what can we do? You said evil doesn’t take a form!” Tony spoke up.

At this, luna produced a sealed parchment. “Yes, but it does have to occupy something. Or, someone.”

~~

Septimus Banner had always attracted trouble. Standing 6’ 2”, he carried a muscular build and a shaved head. A picture of understated efficiency, he was a master at getting his fingers into anything that had a black market side to it. Which, on Earth, meant anything. Pulling a cigarette from his jacket pocket, he lit up.

“To hell with the doctor, I can afford machines when I’m older.” grumbled Septimus.

A diminutive young women walked into the office where Septimus stood. At 100 stories above Chicago, the Willis Tower office made Banner’s skin crawl. He never understood those who flaunted their illegitimate practices. After all, it was tax evasion that finally got Al Capone.

“E-excuse me, Mr...” The woman looked at her clipboard. “Smith. I believe you said you wanted your delivery Tuesday?”

At this, the Shaved headed man turned and faced the woman.

“Clara Jacobs. You may call me Sep. I said I wanted the delivery Sunday. Don’t change my dates for me, I have a much higher intelligence than your boss.” Sep paused for a moment. “Actually, cancel the order. Tell Robert that his business is going to the list.”

Sep had never intended to purchase anything from this business trip, aside from a small souvenir snow globe from the Willis gift shop. He specialized in shorting companies. 104 moderate to major corporations had been brought to their knees and reconsolidated under his direction, each one earning him several billion dollars.

As the Woman scurried from the office, face noticeably whiter, Septimus closed his eyes. His headaches lessened, for some reason, whenever he gave someone else one. Some days, it seemed the only reason he did this was to satisfy his cravings, and take his mind off the constant pain pounding through his head. Septimus had wondered on occasion if he was going insane. He could swear that a voice called out to him during dark nights, when he was alone. The most worrying thing was the things the voice said. We have done wondrous things... Think of how the world is different... someday, all will kneel to our power... they will know the pain they gave us... Those were not the worst things. The worst was when it gleefully described the results of his actions. Yet, whenever he stopped to think, it was like everything shut down. He came to a point where he didn’t care about morals. He was happy, after all... wasn’t he?

~~

Allen and Tony had donned their survival packs and some clothing. The clothes fit oddly on their quadruped bodies, but would be necessary for their mission. Valiant would stay in Equestria, on standby. Allen turned to Luna, who had accompanied the two of them to the point they had entered Equestria. “So, how long until we get sent back?”

“Three days, maximum. Remember, you will be able to come back any time before that point, but once three moons have risen and set, you will be brought back, no matter what. My sources on Earth have found the location of the spirit, but you will have to act fast. If it discovers you are searching for it, it will find a new host.”

Tony was a little shellshocked. “I still can’t believe it. You want us to infiltrate a high security area, capture and confine the essence of evil, personified, and take it back? You DO realize we are relatively young on earth, right?”

Luna gazed down at Tony. “You will not be alone. Valiant will be assisting you. And, if need be, I can grace Allen with my powers. He was changed into a Unicorn; he will be very receptive to magic.”

Allen asked a final question. “Yeah, about the Valiant thing... earmuffs? Will these really work?”

A voice issued faintly from the muffs around Allen’s neck.

“These things were magicked up by Twilight; they have unlimited range and HD quality. I think you should be amazed that such amazing devices were given to you.” Valiant said, sitting in the ponyville library. “Remember, kids, I’ll be listening. I also can’t understand why Luna wouldn’t allow me to give you any mechanic-” A glow surrounded the earmuffs, cutting Valiant’s voice off.

Luna rolled her eyes in a very un-royal fashion as she released her grip on the muffs, and then pointed her horn at the Two human/ponies. A blue glow surrounded and filled every corner of their vision, and then darkness enveloped them.

Tony and Allen woke up on the shore of Lake Michigan, sitting on sun chairs. They stretched and tested their once-again human limbs. Behind them rose the skyline of Chicago.

Wild Goose Chase + Ponies

Chapter Five

Septimus sat at a table outside Gino’s East, enjoying one of the rare sunny days that graced the great lakes.

“Sir, your order.”

The waitress placed the deep dish meat-lover’s pizza on the table, and walked off. Sep grinned. One of his favorite things about Chicago was the food, whether it be the flavoured popcorn, the pizza, or a Chicago dog with extra banana peppers. You could always find something close by to eat that had enough calories to make dieticians faint. Levering a slice of the thick cornbread crust pie onto his plate, he decided to spend the week in town. If for no other reason, he had just made himself 35 million, so he could afford it.

~~

Tony pulled a wallet from his back pocket, and gasped when he checked the contents.

Allen glanced over to see the Chief Master Sergeant ogling a very large wad of green.

“Duuude.” Was all Allen could say.

Tony grinned. “Guess we don’t have to walk, do we?”

He stopped, and hailed a cab. As they climbed in, Tony told the cabbie to drive to Millennium Park. Once seated, Allen gave Tony a questioning look.

Tony explained. “Hey, this guy could be anywhere, so we should start in a big public place. Perhaps someone will know our Mr. S. Banner...”

The cab pulled off to the side of the road, and stopped. Allen glanced outside.

“This doesn’t look like a park-” He was cut off by an angry voice up front.

“Hey, I don’t drive people that deal with Banner. That guy bought out my pap’s business.” The cabbie finished up his words with a rude gesture pointing toward the door.

The two teens climbed out. Tony saw a Chicago Transit Authority map, and grabbed a copy.

“Hmm. It appears that we’re on the corner of West Foster and North Ravenswood. That’s a long way from downtown.”

Allen suggested they try and find some food. “Grab a taxi, and this time don’t mention our target.” He was directly telling a superior to do something, but he didn’t care. They weren’t on duty after all...

~~

Septimus checked into his suite at the Marriott directly across the street. He always asked for the top floor. It fed his narcissism. Slipping the hotel card into the door, he turned the handle and walked into the five room area. He had rented two suites and connected them. It was about 450 a night, but that was pocket change for the man of billions.

Dropping his bag, Septimus walked out on the balcony, and gazed the ground far beneath him. Suddenly, he clamped his hands over his ears.

Come, now... we must keep working... we need more...

“Damnit! Can’t you stay content for more than a few hours?” Cried the man, now curled on the floor of his suite.

It was like a drug. To get the voices to shut up, he had to do more, but every time he did, it seemed like the voice grew less content to wait. Septimus sometimes felt less like the driver, and more like the mule, when it came to his “business”.

“Fuck you. I’m staying for the rest of the week, and I’m not changing my mind!!!” He yelled, pulling himself up to a table.

~~

Tony paid the cabby, and joined Allen in looking at their surroundings.

“Cool! A pizza joint, with a hotel directly across the street! We can use this as our base of operations.”

Allen just nodded. He was looking at the delicious food adorning the tables of the customers outside Gino’s East.

“Man, one thing about earth that I missed was the meat.”

Two hours later, a very full Teenage duo walked into a top floor suite at the nearby Marriott.

“I’ll go get some ice.” Tony offered.

Walking into the hallway, Tony felt a slight chill as a muscular man in a smoking jacket passed by, turning into the room next to theirs.

“Geeze, that guy could use a Pinkie Party...” Mumbled Tony.

~~

Septimus had gone out to buy sleeping pills. If all went well, he would be so unconscious, even the most horrible abominations, not to mention that voice, would be blotted out for the night. On returning to the hotel, he passed a strange kid in the hallway, causing him to pause in thought. Something about him made him shiver. He carried himself with an upright, military-like, posture, and stepped forward in a way that made you think he was advancing into a heavily fortified sniper nest. It was probably nothing. As he closed the door, he heard the kid muttering. The words “Pinkie Party” caught his ear. Was that a code word for something? He didn’t care; he had bodyguards following him around (he didn’t even know who they were, for safety), it was probably one of them. He popped the lid off the canister of pills and swallowed two dry. Tonight, he would be worrying about nothing but sleep.

~~

Allen woke up to the sound of thunder, emanating from a murky sky above the maze of steel giants in Chicago. Sighing, he got up and walked into the kitchen area. Allen was considering starting a coffee addiction when Tony walked in from the second room.

“Well, perhaps we should save Millennium Park for another day. Care to go sightseeing?”

Allen responded sleepily, “Lets go somewhere that has a lot of caffeine and or taurine.”

Tony chuckled. “Sounds like the Sears Tower.”

The highway seemed to be at a crawl, no matter what time of day (or night) it was. Tony and Allen decided it would save time if they asked around the financial district to see if anyone knew about “Buyout Banner”, as it turned out he was called. From their internet search at the hotel, the two had quickly learned of the man’s track record of shorting companies. Sure, he wasn’t an evil dictator, but he was close. Many of the businesses he purchased were driven into the ground for personal profit. Some economic trend watchers said Banner could have actually single-handedly caused the “great recession” in the second half of the 2000’s.

Stepping out of the cab, Allen looked up. He couldn’t even see the upper portions of the Willis Tower. It used to be the Sears tower, but according to a small sign, the Willis Bank had purchased the building’s naming rights in 2003.

Tony strolled into the lobby. “I’ll ask about meeting someone.”

Allen nodded, but kept looking around at the extreme grandeur of downtown Chicago.

“If only Luna knew what she was getting us into...” escaped from Allen’s lips.

“Um, excuse me? Do you need help?” The voice came from a small lady standing by some boxes.

Allen blinked. “Uh, hi. My name is Allen.”

The woman extended her hand as if going for a fist bump, but quickly opened her palm for a handshake. “Clara Jacobs. Are you from around here?”

Allen realized he had a great opportunity. “Actually, I’m in town for a, uh, business proposition with a guy named Septimus Banner. You know him?”

Clara’s fists clenched at her sides, yet her face kept a pleasant expression. “What? A kid your age, talking to Buyout Banner? Don’t do it.” Her eyes narrowed. “He’s the reason I lost my job today. Whatever you’re thinking of, he’s just going to shred you.”

Allen looked at Clara for a second, before deciding to take a leap. “I’m trying to stop him.”

Clara’s expression became muddied. After what seemed like an eternity, she leaned over and whispered into his ear, “Do you belive in magic? Or other worlds?”

Allen’s eyes widened. “Wait... are you... from there?”

Clara nodded. “Come, lets go somewhere that isn’t... well... next to the Willis Tower.”

Tony walked out of the building, looking dejected.

“Hmph. ‘Get your fifteen-year-old butt out of here’... What did they think I was going to do? Walk up to a company president with a hand-buzzer?” he grumbled.

“Tony! You won’t believe this!”

~~

Tony and Allen sat across from Clara Jacobs at a small Dunkin’ Donuts.

Allen ventured a question forward. “So... Clar-er- Cadence...” the last word rolled off his tongue in an odd way. It felt so... correct... saying that word. “...You are working with your husband to learn about earth?”

“Yes. There is just so much knowledge here! We agreed that someone should try and learn a bit of it.”

Tony spoke up. “Yeah, but why not one of his guardsmen?”

Princess Cadence was the wife of Shining Armor, who happened to be captain of the Canterlot royal guard and Twilight’s big brother.

“Well,” responded Cadence, “The royal guards have their own duties. Not to mention that transportation across universes requires extremely powerful magic. Really, only Celestia, Luna, and I have such a spell available.”

“Uh-huh,” said Tony. “Anyways, you’re sure Banner looks like this?” He held up the picture Cadence had given them.

“Yes. I took it myself with one of those nifty digital cameras you humans have.”

Tony turned to Allen. “We need to get back to the hotel. Now.“

The Pit of Dispair

Chapter Six

“You mean, of all of the 3 million people in this city, we wind up next to the guy we’re looking for?” Allen was quite incredulous.

Cadence smiled. “Obviously, Luna has been with you.”

Now in the comfort and privacy of the hotel room, Cadence had returned to her equine form. Not quite as large as the royal sisters, Princess Cadence would still stand about half a foot taller than the average pony. She turned to Tony.

“So, you were talking of a communication with Equestria...”

Tony turned to the teenagers’ backpacks. “Yeah, that Valiant guy gave us some enchanted headsets... earmuffs, actually.”

As he spoke, he triumphantly held up one of the devices in question. “OK, so, where is the ON button...?”

“No need, army boy. I can hear you,” replied Valiant. “Gotta say, you should consider starting a cell phone service. Not only are the international calls free, you can chat with your pastel colored horse friends for a low flat rate.”

“OK, we have contact. Would you mind letting Luna know we have the location of bad boy Banning? He’s in the room next door.,” said Tony, slightly miffed.

“What? I’m a courier now? Jeez, guys, I’d love to help but...”

Allen grabbed the muffs. “Seriously. Quit messing around. There isn’t exactly a job description for this sort of thing.”

“OK, OK. I’ll go get Twilight’s manservant-”

Twilight Sparkle’s muffled voice cut in sternly at that point. The Hotel occupants heard a noise that sounded like a certain orange head being smacked with a pillow.

Valiant finally returned. “Expect a reply soon.” Then the connection went quiet, except for a distant “I already said sorry!”.

Cadence laughed quietly. Tony shrugged. Allen looked worried. All three had nothing to do until further notice.

~~

Tony was teaching Allen and Cadence the finer points of cribbage when a blue glow filled the room, momentarily blinding all the occupants. When the light cleared, Princess Luna stood before them, fitted in a dark blue armor that covered her chest, hooves, and flank.

“Which room?”

Allen pointed to the right wall. “He’s behind there. We heard him enter last night, and the guy at the desk told Cadence that Banner hasn’t been in the lobby all morning. That guy really must have needed some sleep.”

Luna nodded. Turning to the wall, her horn was surrounded by a twinkling blue aura; all four beings were transported 45 feet south.

Septimus Banner lay before them on a couch, a bottle of sleeping pills in hand.

His eyes snapped open. They were glowing red.

”Luna... how we have missed thy Royal Highness.”

Luna glared down at the 20% creepier evil Banner. “Yfel. You hath gone too far!”

Banner floated into the air, replying in a spectral voice, ”Mōna. It has been long. Please, call me Evil. It is a wonderful modern name given to me by these snivelling human-things.”

Allen felt conflicted. He felt a seething, white-hot anger, as he saw within this... thing every bad thing that had befallen his life. His family’s divorce. His uncaring parents. Yet... he felt...

”A strange pull, yes?” Evil turned toward Allen. ”I know you well, my child. Despite your anger, do not forget that you have worked with me when I asked.”

Allen fell to his knees, screaming. The images flashing through his mind cut deeply. “Ugh... I didn’t mean to push Ryan... I meant to work on that project, I didn’t want them to fail...” Allen groaned.

Luna’s eyes began to glow. ”STOP THIS MADNESS. YOU ARE DONE.”

Banner/Evil turned back to Luna. “Oh, please. You may have your royal powers, but I am king here!”

Both acted as one. A spectral red light flashed forward, meeting a light-blue beam emanating from Luna. Both strained, increasing their power to all they had.

A flash, and darkness.

~~

Allen stood before a dark abyss. He knew the horrors that awaited him if he gazed down; but he could not stop himself. Stepping forward, he looked down.

The memories of a million million shattered and broken beings roared in the inferno deep below. As he looked, the swirling mass morphed into a pair of red eyes.

”Do you fear me, Allen?”

“I... I... Yes. I do.” Allen slumped.

”Do not. This is Evil; but Evil is not in the wrong. Tell me; has not the pain in your family made you stronger? Would you even be here if not driven forward by it? WHY DO YOU HATE WHAT YOU HAVE BATHED IN, TELL ME.” The eyes seemed to scream into Allen’s head.

“RGGGHHH! I know! But it still isn’t right! Pain like that should not exist! It ISN'T RIGHT!” Allen was on his knees, gripping his head.

”Allen, you are misguided. You, and your kind, are the abominations. We were here first. We have always been here.”

The images of misery, of pain, of darkness, morphed once again into a single thought: The beginning of order, of the Universe.

Allen saw the forces of darkness and harmony, fighting for control. Luna, and Celestia, and other beings of great power that Allen would never be able to fully describe, charged forward towards him. In their eyes burned a beautiful and terrible passion; a unified thought.

”DESTROY. They wished destruction on us. Is that not what you now seek to halt?”

“I... NO! I mean, yes! I...” Allen fell into the abyss.

He opened his mouth to scream, but now sound came forth. The swirling mass rushed to meet him. He closed his eyes, ready to be consumed. Then all was bathed in white.

~~

Allen was in the Ponyville Library. Tony, once again a white pegasus, gazed down at him from above, brow knit in worry.

“Tony... how did we get here?”

“Allen! You’re okay!” A worried looking Twilight came over at Tony’s beckoning hoof.

“Allen. How do you feel?” Twilight asked, anxiously.

“...Fine? Why shouldn’t I?” Allen was confused.

“You were moaning and screaming... things. Things I don’t think anypony would repeat lightly.”

“Really? Odd. I don’t remember doing that... I wonder what kind of a nightmare I was having?”

Seemingly mollified, Tony’s worried look relaxed. “Hey, you hungry?”