It was past midnight, and the moon was high in the sky, painting it with shiny silver. Below, Twilight Sparkle and Wild Canter—her unicorn blind-date companion—reached the Castle of Friendship after an eventful night.
Twilight smiled, positively glowing, not even attempting to hide the blush on her face. “Thank you for the lovely evening.”
“My pleasure... your Highness.”
That only intensified Twilight’s blush. “I thought we agreed on ‘no titles?’”
“We did, but...” Canter smiled, nonchalantly leaning against the castle’s wall. “I wanted to see that blush again.” Twilight’s face reddened even more. “Say... how about before we say goodbye, we try something special?”
“Special? Like what?”
Canter glanced left, then right, making sure no pony could see them. Then fired away. “How about some… lip service?”
“A... what?” It took Twilight’s brain a moment to realize what he meant. When it happened, her eyes shot wide in shock. “You mean like a...” Her voice turned to whisper. “... fellatio?!”
Canter chuckled. “You’re so cute using those sophisticated phrases. I usually call it a blowjob.” He winked, only to see Twilight nervously biting on her lip. “Or is this request unworthy of a princess?”
“N-no, no! B-but... that was our first date!”
“So? We had fun together; I just want to end it on a high note. Come on, everypony’s doing it,” he said, but seeing her hesitation smiled reassuringly. “I will return the favor, of course! And... not mean to brag, but I’m quite skillful with my tongue. If you know what I mean.”
His lecherous wink made her gulp and forced some sweat to travel down her forehead. Her mind and dignity were screaming NO, but her nether regions were yelling yes, Yes, YES! For a moment, her mind was winning, but barely.
“B-but, what if somepony sees us?”
Canter let out another chuckle. “At this hour? Come on, everypony is asleep already.” But once again, Twilight began nibbling her lip, showing her hesitation. “Well, if it really bothers you this much... we could always go upstairs.”
“Oh, no, no, no, no!” Twilight frantically shook her head. “Good heavens, are you insane? Do you have any idea what would happen if Spike caught us?!” She gulped, breathing fast. “It could damage his fragile psyche! I would end up jailed! Or sent to magic kindergarten. Or... jailed inside a magic kindergarten!”
Canter cocked his head. “Um, sorry, but... Isn’t Spike like a… teen?”
“Yes... so what?”
“Well, he is most likely... you know... Petting his cat?”
“Huh? Spike doesn’t have a cat.”
“No, I mean... blowing his horn.”
This time Twilight cocked her head. “What horn? Spike’s a dragon, not a unicorn.”
Canter’s smile widened for a second, but seeing genuine confusion on Twilight’s face, it quickly began to fade. This was a joke; it had to be! There is no way anyone—let alone a princess—be this oblivious. He tried again.
“Come on, Twilight, you know what I mean! Spike is waxing his carrot, cooking his cucumber, being handsome! Surely, one of those rings a bell?!”
But Twilight’s lips curled into an ‘o’ of confusion—a dead giveaway she truly had no idea what he was talking about.
Canter facehoofed. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! He’s jerking off, Twilight!”
“He… W-what?!”
“Oh, excuse me, I forgot I have to use the proper terminology. I think you smart ponies call it… masturbation.”
“I know what it is called!” Twilight angrily interjected. “But what makes you think Spike would ever do that?!”
“Um... you mean, except him being a young male in his teens going through puberty?” Seeing the sheepish blush filling Twilight’s face, Canter’s lips arched into a sly smirk. “Trust me, he is doing it! All creatures at his age do it!”
“Actually, according to the latest study, only about 75% of creatures do... that—”
“—yes, and 25% lies about it!” He interjected with a wink, only to see Twilight’s cheeks turning even redder. “Well, back to the topic... I don’t think Spike would mind us having some good time together. So... how about it?
Just then, the castle’s entrance lights lit up, illuminating the would-be lovers like some searchlight. A second later the door opened, revealing sleepy Spike with huge bags under his eyes, dangerously clenching his razor-sharp teeth.
“Starlight says to go ahead and give him that blowjob! Or if you’re not up to it, then I can do it! Or she can come down and do it! But for Celestia’s sake, tell him to get his darn hoof off the intercom! Some creatures are trying to sleep here!”
The door closed with a thud, leaving two ponies alone again. Canter jerked his hoof away from the wall, only to notice he was, in fact, leaning against the freshly installed castle’s intercom all this time. But before he could say anything, the door opened, once again revealing Spike.
“Oh, and by the way. Yes, Twilight, I’m old enough to do it. Every creature in that darn castle is doing it… and more! All your friends are doing it! Heck, even Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom are doing it already! Every creature... except YOU!”
Seeing Canter’s confused look, Spike turned to the stallion.
“To answer your question. Yes, Twilight never had sex before—”
“Spike, shut up!” Twilight yelled. Her cheeks were on fire. She turned to Canter. “H-he’s just making it u-up! I have... plenty of experience!”
“Yes, with ’The Art of The To-Do List,’” Spike’s chuckled. “It’s the only thing that gets her aroused, you know.” Twilight shot him a ‘you’re dead!’ look, but he just shrugged it off. “Don’t deny it! I’ve seen how you smell that book, Missy!”
This time Canter’s face filled with dread before going pale. “I, um… I think... I’m gonna go.”
“N-no, wait! Get back!” Twilight tried, but the stallion was already trotting away. “Wait! I’ll suck it, just get back here!’
“No way! You’re crazy!”
“Canter!” She screamed, but that only hastened his pace. “Aw, goddamn it!” She turned to the smirking dragon. “Thanks, Spike! Another date wasted...”
“He wasn’t your type, anyway. Too... normal.” Spike’s comment only intensified her frown. But then he glanced left and right, putting on a sly smile. “But you know... if you still want to suck on something...”
“Fuck you, Spike…”
Author's Note
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