Fallout: Equestria - Coffee Hunter

by ComicSansPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Death, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Violence, Fallout, Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1827

Alope tries to get his hooves on some coffee in the wasteland

Alope just wanted a cup of Equestria's finest coffee! Read about his many attempts to find the elusive beverage. From the streets of Manehatten to the depths of Filly, to the toxic heights of Canterlot, to the casinos of Dise, and the dangers of Hoofington, he will not rest until he gets a damn cup of coffee!

Published 2021-08-24 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-24 00:00:00 UTC

Coffee Run: Canterlot

His lungs burned as he inhaled the toxic pink cloud, but it was worth the risk to enter Canterlot to acquire Pony Joe's secret recipe for the best coffee ever. Alope stopped and chugged a healing potion, the bitter flavor making his longing for coffee even stronger.

"That zebra in Friendship city better not be lying about this." Alope muttered to himself as he moved in the shadows keeping an eye on his EFS.

He had gone through 5 more healing potions before he finally found the residence of one Pony Joe. The zebra's instructions had been detailed, but entropy was not on Canterlot's side. Even with Equestrian over engineering, a some point a block and a half were leveled, adding an hour to his trip.

Alope, gazed up at the abandoned homestead. Sagging precariously on the edge of the Upper Terrace, it looked far from sturdy, but he had come this far. The only indication this building was the former home of Pony Joe, was the tattered flyer for his coffee shop displayed in the window.

Stilling himself, he entered. Once inside he took a breath of relief, the pink cloud had not collected as much. Just to be sure, he chugged another healing potion. counting, he only had 4 more. He would teleport to safety if he didn't find the recipe before he ran out of potions.

The house looked as if it had been ransacked, but Alope kept up hope the secret recipe was still stored in a locked safe. The Zebra had told him Joe kept the recipe in his office, so that was the first place Alope went to look. He did not expect to find a corpse.

"And this must be Pony Joe," Alope spoke allowed to cover his fears of the house falling on him, as it groaned under his hooves with every step, "You won't mind if I take a look at your recipe?" He laughed at his quip before finishing, "Good, glad we could come to this agreement."

Alope moved around the desk to the open safe and his heart sank. He shined his pipbuck into the metal space to get a better look. A small metal tin was marked by the note "Secret Recipe". At last Alope had found his prize and can leave the deathtrap behind. Carefully he levitated over the tin and gently dusted it off.

"No..." he muttered in defeat as the note fell away, tears forming in his eyes.

The label read "Flim & Flam's Instant Coffee, for the quick jolt you need anytime."

Coffee Run: Dise

Alope glanced across the table at the rough looking goons surrounding the well dressed pony. She looked like the type to always get what she wants. His eyes shifted to the younger male pegasus with a cocky grin. Both of his opponents looked like they knew they were going to win. Alope had to beat them. It was the only way he could afford the bag of coffee beans offered in the casino store. 25,000 caps might have been expensive, but this was an unopened bag of Prance Select Coffee beans. This game of poker was his only way to get that much quickly.

He glanced at his cards, with the ace of diamonds I'm on my way to a straight. I should go half in and cash out after this round. Using his magic, he pushed half of his chips into the pot.

The well dressed pony did the same. The younger buck, smiled as another card was drawn by the dealer. At that, he pushed all of his chips in. "All in baby!" he bragged.

Alope hesitated, pondering the odds that the kid had a better hand than him. The well dressed pony folded. She appeared to be rather old hat at poker, if she was folding maybe I should. This amount of winnings can at least buy me an expresso in the lounge.

Alope pushed the rest of his chips in. The young pony smiled with glee as he produced a box of Zap Apple Jam Fancy Buck cakes. Alope's mouth watered, but he had nothing more to give. "I fold" he sighed.

The buck revealed his cards laughing maniacally, they were literally the worst hand imaginable. Alope had been out bluffed. If his weapons hadn't been confiscated when he entered the casino, he would have shot the smug grin off that pony's face.

Coffee Run: Hoofington

Alope wretched as he choked down another RadAway and healing potion. That last enervation field had been the worst by far and he was gaining 10 rads/min, but he made it to the Marebucks manufacturing plant. If any place in this hellhole of a city had coffee beans, it would be here.

He opened the door and peaked inside, the lights flickered on and revealed the rusted hull of a brainbot. Signing in relief he took a step in the door. There was a soft ping as a thin wire was broken. Alope instinctively dived out of the way as several apple grenades fell from the ceiling and exploded, launching him back into the enervation field. his vision swimming with red, he made it back to the doorway and drank another healing potion. It tasted more bitter than usual and didn't have as much effect on his new shrapnel wounds.

"Fucking hell!" Alope screamed in frustration, "I just want coffee! IS that too much to ask?!"

Alope took a few breaths to calm himself before entering the building once more. this time sure to check for traps. It took him a little over and hour to find and disarm the various explosive traps. Clearly somepony did not want visitors, but he finally made it to the factory's office. On the executive's desk was his prize: Marebuck's dark roast. He was so excited he almost tripped another trap. Once that was disarmed, he finally claimed his prize.

When he picked it up however, he began hearing a soft beep that got faster. "Celestia dammit!" he screamed as he tossed the coffee beans and ducked behind the desk.

The coffee bean bag exploded in a ball of flame. In the silence that followed Alope whimpered, "All I wanted was a cup of coffee..."

Coffee Run: Manehatten

The sun slowly began to rise, shining its light on the Manehatten ruins as Alope trotted briskly down the Celestia line. Most ponies would not travel so exposed at this time, at least not alone and without armor. Alope was no normal pony. He was the deadliest bounty hunter in the wastes.

Unbeknownst to him, a griffon sniper tracked his green and blue form. Graveneck was hired to protect Farfalle, a ghoul and apparently wartime mobster of some kind. Graveneck didn’t care for the details, so long as the caps kept coming.

Graveneck blinked in the low light, tracking Alope as he moved. Suddenly he didn’t see the target anymore. Frantically he moved his scope around to see where the devilish green pony had gone.

“Haiii!” A voice said from behind the griffon, Graveneck turned to see the green coated unicorn with a blue mane.

“Oh fuck!” He managed to squawk out before a powerful buck knocked him from his perch, crashing through the window and falling to his death on the streets below.

In another swift buck, the door to Fair Flats Apartment 312 was knocked off its hinges. The grotesque, earth pony, ghoul sat shocked, coffee mug still to his mouth.

“So you're the bastard who bought up all the coffee in Tennpony?” Alope raged.

The ghoul, still speechless, nodded slowly. It would be the last action of his long life as Alope closed the distance and snapped his neck. As the body slumped to the floor, Alope caught the mug in his magic.

Sighing in relief, he took a sip of the steaming liquid before abruptly spitting it out and smashing the cup against the wall.

They say that ponies as far as New Appleoosa heard the angry cry of “DECAF!!!!” on the crisp, morning breeze.

Coffee Run: Fillydalphia

As Alope felt the mare go still in his hooves he let her fall to the ground. He was out of stealthbucks and would need to blend in if he was to get his hooves on Red Eye's coffee supply. He carefully tied up and removed the armor of the unconscious mare, before locking her up in the closet. While she was part of Red Eye's army, what he had seen below told him, she may not have any other choice than do his bidding. In truth, he felt sorry for her.

He stilled his emotions and thoughts as he strapped the raider armor into place. He made a mental note to take a shower when he got home. He then put on the act that he was a badass, not too far from how he usually acted, but he had to hide his disgust for the raiders. He was not here to assassinate them, at least not at the moment.

He made it nearly 2 more floors of the Filly MoM hub before he realized he had no idea where to look for the coffee. Being a rare commodity in the wastes, he figured Red Eye would keep it close to his residence. He figured, it had to be up as this floor was more geared towards science.

Two more floors later he was beginning to feel anxious, most of the ponies he's encountered avoided eye contact and did not ask why he was there, but he knew from experience, somepony would question him eventually.

"Hey, you!" a griffon shouted as he turned a corner, "What are you doing here?"

Alope scrambled to find an appropriate lie, "I... uh was looking for the kitchen... to uh... make Red Eye his breakfast." He stammered.

"You new?" the griffon asked, giving him a look over.

"Yeah, just got here." He continued, "Was told to make the big man's breakfast."

"Well, follow me." she said as she turned into another stairwell.

Alope followed her to the next floor, which was an entire kitchen. Unlike most parts of the building it had been recently cleaned. Alope's eyes scanned the room for possible places to store the wonderful beverage.

"Hey, Hatchet, got you another cook." the griffon said, "show him how to make Red Eye's meal."

The pony with the cutie mark of a eye being stabbed grunted, "I hate newbies."

At this time Alope was just waiting for the other hoof to drop and his ruse be found out, he had to find the coffee fast.

"I'll start on the drink," Alope suggested, "How does he like his coffee?"

Hatchet gave him a flat look, "You must be new, everypony knows Red Eye only drinks green tea."

Alope began to levitate his shotgun, he was gonna burn the fowl tasting herb water to the ground!