It was a completely normal day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, some birds were singing and everypony was going about their daily business.
Pinkie Pie was running the counter at Sugarcube Corner, proud that she hadn't had any unsatisfied customers.
Yet.
In walks Gordon Ramsay, a most interesting food critic. He has tried and tested every dish there is. And he has complained about them all as well. He walked with a natural air of disdain around him, as if he could forsee that the food he was preparing to eat was not going to meet his standards.
He walked up to the counter, where he was met with Pinkie's greeting. "Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!" she said happily.
"What is it you have here?" inquired Ramsay in a questioning tone.
"Well, the cupcakes are the best!" Pinkie replied. "But we also have cakes, donuts, and other desserts!"
"I'll have a...cupcake, then," Gordon said. He then pulled a handful of bits out of his pocket to pay for them because this is a crackfic and I don't have time for plot advancement.
"One cupcake, comin' up!" said Pinkie. Gordon found an empty table and sat down. He looked around at the bakery. To him, it looked subpar.
A moment later, a decent-sized cupcake was placed in front of him. "Ah, thank you my darling," said Gordon. Pinkie stood over him with a large smile, waiting for him to compliment her on it.
That wasn't going to happen.
Gordon took a bite, and almost immediately furrowed his eyebrows. His face scrunched up a bit, and after he swallowed he looked up at Pinkie. Her smile faltered a bit.
"This is dry," he said. "It's DRY!" His sudden volume increase caused everyone in Sugarcube Corner to stare at him. Pinkie kept her smile planted on her face, though she felt terrible about Gordon's comment.
"There's clearly not enough moisture in this," Ramsay continued. "I mean, seriously, where did you cook this? In a fucking EasyBake oven?"
Pinkie kept smiling, trying to hold back a few tears. Everyone else just stared at Gordon, shock clearly visible on their faces. A few ponies passing by had stopped to see what was going on.
"It's like a fucking frozen pancake," said Gordon. "And the frosting, Jesus Christ, what is this fucking frosting?" Not even waiting for a reply, Gordon continued. "It's like adding a layer of dried paste! Like a fucking shrink-wrapped dessert you buy at the dollar store!"
The silence and stares from every other pony continued as Gordon continued to verbally destroy Pinkie Pie.
"And it doesn't even look that great either! It looks like it was thrown together in 20 minutes or less! How can you possibly have a business around these? Who the fuck said these things were the best?"
At last, Pinkie couldn't take it anymore. Gordon's roasting had been too much. She ran back to the kitchen, unable to contain her tears any longer. Still, nopony else spoke.
Gordon snorted. "Really? Can't take a little criticism? I'm surprised you don't get it more often with how poorly this shit was made. And look at these sprinkles! They're like miniature rocks! You might as well have made this with sawdust!" He sighed. "Unbelievable." Finally, he emerged from Gordon's World Where Nothing is Good Enough and looked around him.
The crowd that was staring at Gordon at this very moment was larger than the crowd Rainbow Dash used to attract back when she was cool. In fact, she was standing among the many speechless ponies. As mouthy as she was, she couldn't thing of anything to say to the savage Scottish food critic.
As if his extreme roasting hadn't been enough already, Gordon then began to complain about the way Sugarcube Corner was arranged. "And look at this place!" he said. "That table's in an odd spot, there's decorations all over the place, what is this, a fucking 4 year old's birthday party?"
He examined the counter. "It's covered in fucking sugar!" he said. "Covered!" At least, Gordon thought it was sugar. But how else was Pinkie supposed to be energetic and happy all day?
He peered into the kitchen the best he could. "My goodness," he said, squinting. "That kitchen looks terrible. All of you must be fucking idiots to not be able to make a simple fucking cupcake! I'd be terrified to try anything else on this shitty menu!" He took one last look around him at the bakery, scoffed once again, and headed for the door. However, he would have to surpass a mob of shocked ponies first.
"What the fuck are you all staring at? Fucking move!" Gordon yelled.
"Why did you say those things?" said one of the ponies in the crowd. She had tears in her eyes.
"I've gotta be fucking honest," Gordon replied. "The food was shit." He continued trying to break the wall of ponies. As he was about to start shoving, the two owners of the shop, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, emerged.
"What in Celestia's name happened here?" said Mr. Cake.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," said Gordon Ramsay. "The food here is shit. I am not impressed by this place. And if these things would move the fuck out of my way, I could get the hell out of here." Fed up with this second-class establishment, Gordon began shoving his way through the pony mob.
Mr. and Mrs. Cake couldn't have been more confused about the scene they had walked in on, but unfortunately for them, they wouldn't get any explanations, just a few stutters of "He...he just..." from the witnesses.
Gordon began to walk down the street, further away from the bakery. Rainbow Dash, who's voice was finally back from its lunch break, said, "We need to stop him!" But of course, nobody listened to her because she's just a blue cunt. Applejack wasn't there, because she's oblivious to everything on her farm. Who knows what the others were doing.
After a minute or so of walking, Gordon Ramsay stopped, turned around, and gave the finger to the Sugarcube Corner. Then he disappeared, off to break the soul of somebody else.
Author's Note
Thanks for reading, y'all. I hope you enjoyed my latest piece-of-shit crackfic.
Hopefully this made you smile, and maybe even made your day 1% better.
It's why I write these.
