Celestia's Grand Ol' TIme
Canterlot Castle was the quiet and peaceful home of the Royal Sisters Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, both of whom shared the responsibility of raising the sun at dawn and raising the moon at dusk. While her younger sister Princess Luna had been magically imprisoned within the moon for 1000 years Princess Celestia performed both of these duties for just as long. Disregarding the fact that Princess Celestia was a being of royal descent and could in fact live that long it was still an incredibly long expanse of time for which she had performed these duties. Coupled with the fact that she had many other important pieces of business to attend to at any given time, lifting celestial bodies every day was an incredibly stressful job. Thankfully for Princess Celestia, however, she knew how to cope with stress better than anyone else in all of Equestria.
“And that’s why I have decided to take a short trip, dear sister.”
Luna stood in front of her sister pensively as she contemplated what this would mean for her. She tapped a hoof to her chin as she struggled to understand the concept of a “vacation”. The Royal Sisters had many responsibilities to attend to and as far as Luna knew, neither of them had ever had a chance to take a voyage or trip for the sole purpose of relaxation. Festive events were about as close as they ever came to anything short of a vacation.
“But sister, surely you do not expect to leave us in charge of changing the day all by ourselves, do you?” Luna asked.
“Please Luna, I have total confidence in your abilities to do so. It’s not everyday you get to do my job as well. Plus, it’ll do wonders for your public image.” Replied Celestia.
“Not that we do not enjoy our subject’s approval, but all of this seems a bit sudden.”
“Don’t worry, Luna. It’s a vacation years in the making and while I do enjoy my responsibilities there comes a time in everybody’s life where we could do with a bit of rest and relaxation.” Celestia said with a warm smile.
“Aaalright. Do you mind if we ask one last question, sister?” Luna asked with apprehension.
“Go ahead. I’m all ears.”
“Where are you heading off to?”
“England.”
Luna blinked absentmindedly as she racked her brain for any memory of a place in Equestria called “England”. After a few minutes of thinking she decided it would be better of if she didn’t know. Celestia herself had all her preparations in order and in her quarters had already started the teleportation spell. While many unicorns struggled with the concept of warping through space-time it was only because they had not lived through centuries worth of progressive research in the fields of magic. As the whirling field of energy enveloped Celestia she began to blink in and out of existence until the only thing remaining was a flash of light and a mess of parchment.
On the other side of the dimensional rift, a small rend in the fabric of reality opened and out from this portal came a fantastically colored horse. Celestia gathered herself as she shook away the post-travel shakes and looked around her. The scenery she once knew had changed dramatically as small business and office buildings were replaced by slightly larger buildings and while the general feel had not changed, it was certainly larger than she remembered. Many older buildings she had seen in the past still stood but she still found herself at a loss at how much everything around her had changed. As she stood in the middle of a road, mouth agape, a small taxi cab nearly avoided hitting the Princess and braked hard nearly missing another pedestrian on the sidewalk.
“Oi, ya great bloody cart-puller ye gots in me way!” The angry British gentleman yelled.
Celestia turned around and quickly apologized to the man but was taken aback by his temper and foul language. His monocle nearly popped from his face as he drew closer to the Princess.
“Oh, I..um...I’m really sorry about that.” The Princess mumbled an apology as she slowly backed away from the mustachioed man.
The fellow continued to heckle the poor Princess as she walked away from him. Dodging motorized street wagons as she walked down the street she made her way to the sidewalk where she struggled to wade through the large crowds of bowler hats and petticoats. Having had enough of the man tailing her, she ducked into a small cafe of sorts in order to lose him. As she walked through the doorway she noticed the odd smell of tea and cigarettes which caused her to lift a wing over her face lest the smell get to her. After taking a seat at an empty table she looked to her sides as she scanned the area for the portly man who she had run into earlier.
“Welcome to the Grey Derby, what’ll you be havin’?” A rather handsome looking waiter approached Princess Celestia with a small notepad and pen.
“Oh...sorry I just...um...” The Princess garbled.
“Fancy a cuppa? It’s a tad early but never too early for a shot of the good brew eh?” The waiter nudged at her side.
Celestia seemed a bit flustered but she quickly regained her composure after having certainly avoided the heckler. She used her magic to swiftly snap up the small menu on her table and gave it a look through finding food that she either didn’t intend to eat or couldn’t. Being a horse she knew she wouldn’t be able to eat most of what humans did, so she settled on something simple.
“I think I’ll be fine with just a salad, thank you.” Celestia said.
“A wot m8?”
Celestia stared at the waiter with a look of confusion and shock. It was like dealing with Luna when trying to explain to her what a vacation was.
“A salad. That’s all. You do know what a salad is, right?” Celestia asked.
“Mmm,” The waiter’s face twisted as he strained to remember what it was she was asking for. “Mmm...a-are you asking for a plate of...salad? Does bangers and mash make a salad?”
“You have got to be kidding me.” Celestia moaned.
“Oi, Winston, this ‘ere babe askin’ fer a ‘salad’ instead a’ sumthin normal. Poor gal mustah hit her head or sumthin. I haven’t the foggiest clue what she’s on about.” The waiter yelled back through the cafe and into the kitchen.
A short while later the waiter and cook walked out and approached Celestia who had her head slouched on the table.
“Excuse me Miss, but I couldn’t help overhear that you were having troubles with your order?” The rather portly gentleman asked.
Celestia only moved her head slightly in what could be vaguely interpreted as a nod a she uninterestingly gazed at the small television replaying highlights of a football game.
“Alrighty then, what was it you were ordering?”
“A salad.” Celestia said enthusiastically.
“Ah, see there’s yer problem. See Jack, what she wanted was a veggie combo casserole on the rocks. It’s her Yank speak that’s got ya in a tizzy.” Said the chef.
“Oh well then hop to it. Just chop ‘er up some lettuce and get her damned rabbit food out ‘ere lickity-split. In the meantime, would the lady care for a drink?” The waiter asked.
“Might as well. I’ll take a White Russian.” Celestia said.
“We have Pabst.”
“No thank you, just the drink will do.”
“Err...Howsabout a lager or an ale to do you right?”
“You don’t know what a White Russian is do you?”
As the waiter nervously darted his eyes around the cafe Celestia couldn’t help but feel utterly distraught. Nobody here understood her and even if they did, she was certain that it would never amount to the fun she had when she last visited.
“OI WINSTION!” The waiter yelled across the room.
“Hold yer bloody freakin’ horses ya daft wanker I’m comin’.” The chef yelled back.
“Wots a White Russian?”
“A Red whose got paint on ‘em? Wot is this a riddle?”
“The lady wants some alcohol in ‘er.”
“Oh, you’re talking about a Milky White Vodka Mixer?”
“That’s the one! Don’t worry Miss I’ll be right back.”
“You have got to be kidding me,” Celestia dropped her head on the table with an audible clunk as the waiter went to prepare her mixed drink. “I have to get out of here while I still can.”
As she looked to her sides she saw a man slowly shuffle over to her and before she was able to make her great escape he stumbled over and longingly stretch his arm around her neck.
“So wassa pretty lil’ daisy la’ yerself doin’ in a ratty dump like ‘is?” Celestia could smell alcohol on the man and was put off.
“I’m sorry but I really do have to get going. I’m-” Celestia was cut off by the man.
“Oh well know wot’s the rush yous some kinda royalty can’t ‘andle bein’ seen with a guy like me?” The man mumbled.
“I’ll have you know I am, in fact, royalty. I’m a princess and even though I might not be in Equestria I expect to be treated as such.” Celestia said in a huff.
All around her were blank stares from gentlemen who turned to see the commotion the two had caused. She was never one to lose her temper but it seemed as though just being near these people was enough to shorten her fuse. She was slowly growing anxious and while she expected the worst from her commotion, it never came. Instead, one gentleman sitting at a table raised his mug and bellowed out.
“LONG LIVE THE PRINCESS!” He shouted.
The rest of the cafe raised their glasses and teacups in a resounding “OI” as they took sips and gulps. Celestia herself was stunned by the whole situation.
“Olright I gots yer crunchy greens right ‘ere Yer Majesty.” Said the chef as he arrived with a plate of sliced carrots on a bed of shredded lettuce.
“My what now?” Celestia asked in confusion.
“Mate here is talkin’ ‘bout yer veggie combo casserole on the rocks. Speakin’ of, here’s your sauce. And for yer friend?” The waiter promptly handed her the Milky White Vodka Mixer.
“I thinks I’m pissed as it is, I’d rather chase it with an order of chips if that’s olright.” Celestia’s clingy friend replied.
Celestia was besides herself at this point and thought that perhaps it was her hunger getting the best of her. She picked up a fork from the table and plopped it into the mess of scrambled vegetables on her plate only for an ever familiar sound to break through the streets. A small rumbling came through the clippety clob cobblestones as she saw various men and women crying out through the streets.
“OI CHAPS IT’S 3 BONG” They shouted.
“TEA TOIM” Another shouted from within the cafe.
The waiter who had previously attended Celestia promptly smacked the floating fork away from her and wrapped the tablecloth around the food and drink, lugging it out and back into the kitchen.
“TIME FER TEA” He yelled as he handed out small kettles and teacups.
All around her, ladies and gentleman of every kind who were once adorned in jeans and sweaters were now in afternoon dress. Those who were late to tea time were digging into their leather travel cases and pulling out their bowler hats and handkerchiefs.
“Hand a scone over would ya Gov’na?”
“God Save the Queen!”
“You tossah. I asked for two lumps not three. How about you stop muckin’ ‘bout and get me some biscuits?”
“You lad’s got some wod to spare?”
Celestia could no longer contain herself and stormed out of the tea house and onto the walking road where she saw several delinquents propping a table up near a trolley ticket dispensary who turned and tipped their hats to the Princess.
“I hope Luna is being as miserable as I am right now.” Celestia muttered.
Luna was fine, by the way, as she was too busy tending to her now growing number of fans who were almost literally flooding the halls of the castle. Meanwhile, Celestia was slowly being carted off by a bobby in his patty wagon for not doling out the dosh to pay for her obligatory tea.
“You can’t do this! I’m Princess Celestia. I’m royalty!” Cried out Celestia.
“Ye and I’m Prince Harry.” Chuckled the officer as he stuffed the very pretty mare into the back of his police vehicle.
Later, after all of Britain had finished their scones and Earl Grey, she was put to trial in front of Parliament for crimes against tea. Celestia did not know that charges were quintupled when crimes were tea-related, given that it was the major export in Britain next to funny accents and comedy shows. Since Princess Celestia had used her magic and Jedi mind trick on the courts she was able to have the Queen herself preside as judge in an effort to escape community service. She feared she might catch a case of Impulsory Showtune Syndrome working as a chimney sweep or magical nanny for brats. Celestia had been good friends with Princess Diana (both being princesses at the time) and she assumed that she must have assumed her role as Queen by now. As she entered the large double doors to the court room she was surprised to find a rather old woman take the place as judge.
“Ordah in the courts ya toss-pots. You there, come closer so we can settle this like women.” Ordered the more than confused Celestia.
“Diana, is that you?” Celestia squinted her eyes at the rather elderly woman.
“It’s Elizabeth, you daffy show-pony. So what’ll it be? Fisticuffs or a duel at dawn?” The Queen had already loosened her dress revealing an ill-fiting wrestling leotard.
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“Come on if you think you’re hard enough. Cmon, put ‘em up. Ain’t got the nads and nerve?” Queen Elizabeth had stepped down from the bench and was taunting in a boxer’s pose as she punched the air in front of Celestia.
“That’s it, I’m comin’ for ya.”
Queen Elizabeth threw herself on Celestia as the attendees cheered the queen on with shouts of “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!” and “LIVERPOOL!” coupled with several fights. The event was televised and riots broke out on the streets while the police had their jollies bashing heads with their batons. All of England was cheering as the Queen ruled out her verdict in a series of European Uppercuts and German Suplexes.
“And for your crimes against tea, your sentence will be 4 metric days of community service. Now go and clean Big Ben before I decide to waste you.” Yelled the enthusiastic Queen.
“I give, I tap out!” Celestia yelled over the cheering crowds.
Just as the Queen released her grip on Celestia’s chokehold a man with a crazed look in his eye burst through the doors of the courtroom.
“IT BE 4 BONG, IT IS! TIME FOR TEA!” Yelled the town bong-keeper.
“Pick yerselves up and get to brewin’ you lazy pillocks.” The Queen ordered.
Not a second later, the room was filled to the brim with gentlemen sipping tea and passing breads around as they chatted.
“I say, the elevated floor changer in my building seems to be on the fritz.”
“Best call a fixer-upper to shine the shimmies on that their steam-guzzer.”
“Not a pence to my name and you expect me to hire a grease monkey? No sodding way.”
Celestia picked herself up off the ground as she slowly walked out of the room and even sneered as the royal guards tipped their cups to the Princess as she left.
“Next year, I’m going to France.” Celestia mumbled as she cast her teleportation spell.
