The Fight of the Century (sort of)
Gordon Ramsay was known for leaving devastation and despair in his savage Scottish wake. He was known for crushing the souls of chefs, young and old. But after he had verbally destroyed Pinkie Pie, what he didn't know was that every day since it had happened last week, she had been building on a certain anger inside her.
An anger that could only be quenched by kicking Gordon's ass.
Pinkie finally felt she was ready. She went to Twilight, and asked her to summon Gordon. Twilight magically did it because nothing has to make sense in a crackfic.
Upon Gordon's appearance, many ponies gasped. Some ran. Gordon just stood there, confused and angry to find himself back in a place where ponies can't cook.
"Seriously? For fuck's sake, why the fuck am I back here?" he said. Then he saw Pinkie. He scoffed. "You again?"
Pinkie didn't speak, but rather stare at Gordon. It was a death stare like no other. The rest of the Mane Six were watching nervously from behind Pinkie.
"Can you not speak?" said Gordon. "I don't have time for this! I need to get the fuck out of he-" Before he could finish, Pinkie charged at him, plowing into his gut and thus preventing speech.
Gordon then pulled a spatula out of nowhere because like I said, nothing has to make sense. He whacked Pinkie upside the head with it like a Puerto Rican mother until she got off of him. She continued to stare at him, preparing her next attack.
"You think I'm not prepared for a fight?" said Gordon. "I'm always ready for a fight!" He pulled out another spatula.
Pinkie charged again but was promptly whacked on both sides of her head by Gordon's Spatulas of Doom. "Maybe we can sort this out without fighting?" proposed Twilight.
"No! This is the only way." Pinkie shot back.
Gordon snorted. "Clearly, you're not going to emerge victoriou-" For the second time today, Gordon was interrupted, this time by a forceful kick in the back from none other than Starlight Glimmer, who had seen the whole thing. She was there last time too, just nobody cared.
Gordon pitched forward and hit dirt. He flipped himself over and looked up at Starlight. "Who the fuck are you?" he asked.
Wasting no time with introductions, Starlight aimed a kick at his chest, but he was ready. He used his spatula to block the attack and stood up. "Fool," he said. "Never wait to execute an attack." He threw the spatula with incredible precision at Starlight, causing it to smack her between the eyes. She swayed for a moment, dazed.
Gordon's spatula flew back to him like a boomerang. It was at this moment that the Mane Six (and Starlight) realized that Gordon was a combat expert. He wasn't actually a combat expert, but he was for this fic.
He looked around at all the ponies, daring one of them to advance. He looked behind him, where Pinkie was preparing to kick him, and when she attempted to buck him he dodged the attack. "Ha!" said Ramsay. He whacked Pinkie with a spatula again.
"Buck this!" said Rainbow Dash. She flew towards Gordon at light speed, but all he had to do was duck. Rainbow went flying through a window and into a small shop. Gordon turned to look at her. "Fool!" he called out.
Starlight's horn began to glow, and so did Gordon's Spatulas of Doom. He realized what was happening and held on to them tight, causing Starlight to pull harder. Once it looked like she was pulling as hard as she could, Gordon let go, causing the spatulas to smack Starlight in the face so hard she flew back faster than Rainbow did. Once again, Gordon laughed.
"You're just hurting yourselves!" he said. While it was true that he could beat the Mane Six, there was one thing that Gordon was weak against.
And no, it wasn't Princess Celestia's fat ass or her sister's. Good try though.
Twilight used her horn to summon a small sandwich, then levitated it up to Gordon's face. "What's this?" he asked.
"It's a peace offering," she said. "We surrender."
Gordon gave her a skeptical look, but decided to take the sandvich. He took a bite, and at that moment Twilight smiled.
"It's DRY!!!" Gordon screamed so loud that Celestia almost dropped her cake. She looked out the window to see that a few hundred miles away, Gordon's anger had created a large crater in the center of Ponyville. She quickly inhaled the rest of the cake and hauled her double wide over to Ponyville.
At first Twilight thought that her idea had backfired, but then she saw Gordon in the center of the crater, convulsing and twitching.
"Its...too...fucking...dry," he choked out, coughing as his limbs continued to jerk. At last, Gordon had been defeated.
Regardless of this, Starlight went into the crater and bucked Gordon with all her strength. She still had two red marks on her face from the spatulas.
Just as Pinkie was preparing to do the same, Gordon disappeared in a cloud of dust. "Aw!" said Pinkie, realizing that she could no longer kick him in the face.
Twilight sighed a sigh of relief. "Well, that takes care of that problem," she said.
"Well, it doesn't take care of mine!"
Just then, the owner of the shop that Rainbow Dash had crashed into emerged. Turns out that the shop was run by none other than the infamous Anon, who really didn't give a shit about the whole Gordon Ramsay thing until now.
He picked up Rainbow and dumped her outside the shop's broken window. She was unconscious.
"Why," said Anon angrily, "can't I just LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE WITHOUT RAINBOW CRASHING INTO ME!!" What the others didn't know was that Rainbow Dash had crashed into Anon trying to stop Gordon Ramsay from leaving Ponyville last time. Anon was fed up, but unfortunately this story isn't about him.
Celestia finally landed, though she was far too late. Her face was covered in cake crumbs. She burped.
"What'd I miss?"
Author's Note
Holy Jesus. This was so stupid I cried a little when I was proofreading it.
I actually wrote this story twice and scrapped it twice because the plot wasn't good enough. Hopefully the third time was the charm, and you guys enjoyed this. If you did, a like and a comment goes a long way.
Peace.
