Pinkie Pie Meets the Universe
The Universe is an impossibly vast and mysterious place, filled with untold wonder and beauty. Infinite, glorious, and breathtaking, its miraculous workings bring tears to the eyes of artists, scientists, and laymen alike. Even the infinitesimally minute sliver of the cosmos visible from any given star, planet, or asteroid is enough to leave even the most cynical of souls utterly breathless. Truly, the Universe is as magnificent as it is vast, stretching beyond sight, sound, and imagination.
Also, it is a colossal jerk.
As a matter of fact, it would not be stretching the truth to say that the most spiteful entity in the Universe was, in fact, the Universe itself. It loved nothing more than to ram galaxies together, smash asteroids into planets, and wipe out vast swaths of the cosmos with hyper-nova radiation, all for the sake of making sure that life never reared its disgusting little head. In truth, the very idea of living organisms crawling around its vast, unfathomable reaches was enough to give the Universe the heebie-jeebies.
Yet, despite all its efforts to make itself as utterly inhospitable to life as possible—and its obsessive urge to quash any living things that did show up—when you're the size of everything that exists, it can be hard to catch every last viable planet that falls through the cracks. Fortunately for the Universe, even when one of those planets did manage to go unnoticed long enough for an infestation to take root, life rarely got any farther along than the microscopic stage, only to get randomly obliterated a few million years later by a serendipitous asteroid impact or supernova. Given these comforting facts, the Universe was not expecting to encounter anything particularly unsettling when it began investigating a tiny star that was behaving rather strangely, in a distant, remote corner of itself.
The Universe's expectations were decidedly not met.
If it was possible for the sum total of all existence to jump onto a chair and scream, that is precisely what would have occurred when the Universe saw what was lurking on the planet orbiting—no, being orbited by—the strange, unruly star. It was life. Lots of life. Ludicrous, riotous quantities of life, oozing all over the place, and probably getting who knows what all over the topography. It wasn't even the (relatively) benign, microscopic sort of life that the Universe had gotten fairly good at ignoring. It was advanced, multi-cellular life, and it almost looked like it was sentient.
Oh son of a—structures! Cities! Language! Literature! Tools! Donuts! It was sentient! Supressing the urge to simply throw every supermassive black hole in a billion light-year radius at the offensive ball of life cooties, the Universe felt obligated to first determine what it was about this particular infestation that was causing a perfectly lovely star to act in such a baffling manner. So, mentally cringing as it did so, the Universe brought its gaze down from the macroscopic scale, and proceeded to look at what these horrible, squirming masses of ickiness were doing to its now thoroughly defiled planet.
***
Pinkie Pie prided herself on knowing everypony in Ponyville; next to partying and baking, remembering the names, faces, birthdays, and food allergies of everypony in town was probably what the energetic pink pony did best. Of course, the natural first step to remembering a pony was becoming their friend, and the first step in becoming a pony's friend was welcoming them to Ponyville! Pinkie Pie remembered fondly the party she had thrown to welcome the town's new weather captain not so long ago: a super-duper, speedy-rific pegasus named Rainbow Dash! It was a nice change from the subdued, low-key gathering Pinkie had organized for the shy, yellow pegasus that had moved into the cottage at the edge of town a while ago; it had taken Pinkie months to convince Fluttershy to come to a welcoming party! That was probably why she had "shy" right there in her name, now that the poofy party planner gave it some thought. Pinkie Pie really hoped that being put in charge of the music for the Summer Sun Celebration would help her reclusive friend come out of her shell.
"Hehehe! Shell! Just like a turtle! I sure bet Fluttershy wishes she had a shell to hide in. Oooo, maybe I can make her one? Then we could throw a 'Yay for Fluttershy Having a Literal Shell Instead of Just a Figurative One' party! And since Fluttershy can just hide in her new, non-figurative shell, she can still come even if it's loud and exciting! That's a great idea!"
Filing away the idea in her seemingly endless mental list of amazing party plans, Pinkie Pie decided to start work on Fluttershy's non-figurative shell after tomorrow night's Summer Sun Celebration. Before she could get started on yet another endearingly ridiculous mental tangent, however, Pinkie suddenly came to a dead stop as a familiar series of twitches began to rocket around her body, the telltale sign of a Pinkie Sense Combo... and this was one of her favorites!
"OH! Let's see—front left knee spasm, right eye twitch, tongue tingle—that can only mean A NEW PONY IN PONYVILLE!"
Rushing up and down the streets of Ponyville as she attempted to pinpoint the location of the newcomer, Pinkie was already going through a plethora of potential welcome methods. It was always important to make a good first impression, after all, so Pinkie had to make sure she got everything just right! Greeting somepony new was an art form, and Pinkie was a master of the craft; she was confident that whoever the new arrival was, they would become fast friends. Nearing the edge of town, another Pinkie Sense Combo alerted the party pony that her quarry was nearby. A huge grin plastered on her face, Pinkie whipped her head around at ludicrous speed, searching for her soon to be super-duper pony pal!
What she found instead was... something else entirely.
Her grin was quickly replaced with a furrowed brow and thoughtful expression, an exceedingly rare occurrence for the perpetually chipper pony. Pinkie, for all of her pony-welcoming expertise, had to admit she was a bit baffled at how to go about greeting this particular newcomer. For starters, it was most definitely not a pony...or anything, for that matter. There was nothing visible to be spoken of, but Pinkie definitely felt an unmistakable presence in the area. It was like a feeling of being watched, magnified to a palpable degree, and there was clearly an intelligence behind it. The closest analogy Pinkie could come up with was that this is probably what it felt like for a cartoon character, who had suddenly became aware of the audience.
"He he! Me, a cartoon? Pinkie, that's just silly, even for you! Anyway, welcome to Ponyville, mysterious, palpable force! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?"
Pinkie Pie felt a definite shift in the unseen entity, almost as if it were confused, before it refocused its attention on her, after which Pinkie suddenly got the impression that she was being... questioned?
"Um, hi! Yes, I'm talking to you, Mister Eldritch Being! Are you one of those thingies from beyond time and space that make ponies go crazy with cyclopean visions of impossible geometrics and sunken cities holding Dead Gods Dreaming? Because my Granny-Pie saw those all the time!"
The force seemed to go still for several long moments, as if contemplating Pinkie's words. Then, without warning, the pink earth pony got the peculiar sense that reality itself was running around screaming.
***
To say that the Universe was panicking would be an understatement of—appropriately enough—universal proportions.
The very instant it had realized that the horrid, pink life-form could actually sense its presence, the Universe's first thought was to blow up the planet's sun. Its second thought was to blow up all the suns. Its third thought was to blow up all the suns twice. Fortunately for the collective fabric of the cosmos, the Universe managed to calm down long enough to think somewhat rationally. This was not the first time it had been forced to observe sentient life-forms at close perception levels, but it most certainly was the first time one of the things had shown any signs of being aware of its presence.
As disgusting as it was, the Universe knew that interacting with the squirming pink creature was the only way it would get to the bottom of this ridiculous situation. After it had learned all there was to learn from the pink entity, the Universe would collapse the planet's silly little star into a singularity, and everything would be back to normal. Steeling itself with comforting thoughts of planetary annihilation, the Universe shifted its perception back down to the life-form's level, hoping that their interaction would be brief.
***
Pinkie Pie patiently waited for the strange presence to return, her growing excitement at the prospect of making a new friend overriding her previous confusion regarding the intangible nature of the strange entity. It had seemingly vanished after its initial panic, a reaction Pinkie found quite reminiscent of her own many years ago, when a bat had flown into her face as a filly. The pink pony silently hoped that she had not said something to offend the unseen presence; after all, she hadn't even gotten the chance to throw it a party yet!
Pinkie's musings were interrupted, however, when she once again felt the distinctive, palpable force slowly return to the area, which had the effect of instantly bringing a huge smile to her face. Directing said smile at where she more or less felt the presence emanating from, Pinkie once more greeted the mysterious visitor.
"Hi again! Sorry if I scared you before! I'm usually really good at meeting new ponies, but you obviously aren't a pony, so I guess something that's good for making ponies happy might not be so good for making an unseen presence happy. Could you maybe give me some pointers in case I meet any other non-ponies like you? Oh! But first, you should tell me your name so I can throw you a PARTY!"
Pinkie Pie's exponentially escalating excitement over the course of her rambling reintroduction, ultimately led to her literally jumping for joy with the final exclamation of her favorite word in the whole wide world. She packed so much raw, unfiltered joy into that single utterance, in fact, that the unseen being seemed to latch onto it as it traveled through the air, carefully analyzing it in some inconceivable fashion. At least, that's the impression Pinkie got, which to be fair, wasn't based on anything other than gut instinct. Still, gut instinct had always served her well, and the increased interest the entity seemed to be taking in her must have meant she was doing something right!
"Anyway, my name is Pinkie Pie, in case you forgot! Can you tell me your name? Do unseen forces possessed with intellect have names? Oooo, if not, can I give you one? I've always wanted to be able to name somepony!"
Pinkie once more had the feeling that the presence was weighing her words, but this time, much to her surprise and delight, there was a response. Words seemed to seep from every corner of existence simultaneously, and imbedded themselves in her mind... to create a single statement.
I AM THE UNIVERSE.
For the first time in a very, very, very long time, Pinkie Pie was struck speechless... for approximately three seconds.
"Oh WOW! So, you're like, the collective consciousness of all creation? The grand unified will of all reality?"
YES.
If joy had a sound, Pinkie Pie would have been making it. This was it: the greatest moment of her life. Everything she had ever accomplished, striven for, and aspired to be, culminated in this instant: Pinkamena Diane Pie could now claim, with one hundred percent veracity, that she was friends with the Entire. Bucking. UNIVERSE.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! This is the most amazing super-stupendously-terrifically-amazingfying-grandtastical thing EVER! I'm friends with the entire Universe! OH MY GOSH! I GET TO THROW A PARTY FOR THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, TOO!"
This was going to be the most incredible party ever! She would need to rent out all of Ponyville for this kind of a shindig! NO! All of Canterlot! She'd need to order palettes of streamers, tons of confetti, crates of balloons, plethoras of piñatas, gallons of—
WHAT IS A PARTY?
WHAT IS A FRIEND?
Every gear in Pinkie's mind came to screeching halt, every thought regarding the jubilation of untold scale and intensity she had been planning mere moments ago shattering like peanut brittle under a sledgehammer.
"...You... you don't know what a party is? You don't know what a friend is?"
Pinkie could feel the confusion of the Universe swirl around her as it responded.
NO. WHAT ARE THEY?
At this point, Pinkie's brain was desperately attempting to process these monumental revelations, doing all in its power to rationalize the Universe's apparent ignorance of the two most important things in... the Universe! Clearly, it was just a communication breakdown; surely the Universe was familiar with the concept of friends and parties, it had just never heard them given those specific names before. Confident that she had solved the conundrum, Pinkie Pie promptly set about resolving it.
"Well, a friend is anypo—anybod—anyone that you like to spend time with, that makes you happy when you see them, that you would help out of a jam, and that you just really, really like! A party is when a whole bunch of friends all gather together and play games and listen to music and drink punch and eat sweets and dance and just have a super-duper fun time with each other! Now you know what I'm talking about when I mention friends and parties, right?"
Grinning and nodding, Pinkie eagerly awaited her detailed explanations to sink in, and for the Universe to assure her that it was intimately familiar with these all-important concepts.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
I HAVE NEVER DONE THESE THINGS.
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE.
The mental whiplash of the Universe's horrifying statement very nearly caused Pinkie to faint. No friends? No parties? No one at all, EVER? The mere thought of such a horribly lonely existence caused Pinkie's fluffy mane and tail to abruptly deflate and flatten, very much like a leaky balloon.
"B-but how is that possible!? You're the UNIVERSE! You're... well, you're EVERYTHING! How could you be alone when you have every living thing everywhere ever to keep you company? You should have more friends than anypony anywhere!"
Pinkie could almost feel reality itself shudder as the Universe cringed in response her statement.
DO NOT REMIND ME OF LIFE.
IT CRAWLS AND CREEPS AND INFESTS ALL OVER ME.
THE MERE THOUGHT MAKES ME SICK.
Pinkie Pie blinked, slowly processing what the Universe had just said. Life was creeping and crawling all over it? Pinkie suddenly had a mental image of millions of tiny bugs crawling all over her, and shuddered at the thought. Even she would have a hard time befriending a bunch of icky things that were crawling all over her! No wonder the Universe didn't have friends or parties: compared to something as vast as the totality of existence, everything else was just a gross little creepy-crawler that gave it the heebie-jeebies! With this newfound understanding of the Universe's plight, Pinkie was filled with renewed vigor and a sense of purpose, which lifted her spirits and re-poofed her mane. It was decided: she was going to be the Universe's first ever friend!
"I understand where you're coming from, Mr. Universe. I wouldn't really feel like making friends with a bunch of icky little things, either! But, how often have you zoomed down to our level to take a good look at us?"
ALMOST NEVER.
THE IDEA IS SIMPLY TOO DISGUSTING.
Nodding sagely, Pinkie fixed an emphatic gaze on the general location where she imagined the Universe was manifested.
"That makes sense, but did you ever think that the reason you find us all so icky-wicky is because you never took the chance to get to know us? After all, it's hard to make friends with somepony if you're looking down on them from light-years away. If you spent some time just watching us go about our lives, maybe you'd enjoy it! Then instead of getting the heebie-jeebies when you found life somewhere, you'd get excited instead!"
There was a long silence, and Pinkie could feel a torrent of thoughts and ideas rushing just past her perception as the Universe carefully considered her words. After nearly five minutes of contemplation, the Universe finally responded.
PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT.
I MUST ADMIT I HAVE ENJOYED CONVERSING WITH YOU.
DOES THAT MAKE US FRIENDS?
The smile that spread over Pinkie Pie's face simultaneously defied every known law of physics and biology with its sheer size. She was, for real this time, officially friends with the Entire. Bucking. UNIVERSE.
"Of COURSE we are! I'm super-duper proud to be your firstest-bestest-everest friend, Mr. Universe! I can't wait to throw you a PARTY!"
Pinkie suddenly felt mirth radiating from every corner of creation, with what she realized must have been the Universe's laughter... and it was an experience she would remember for the rest of her days.
IN TIME MY FRIEND. IN TIME.
I MUST DEPART.
BUT I WILL RETURN SOON. TO WATCH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.
AND THANK YOU PINKIE PIE. FOR BRINGING ME LAUGHTER.
With a final wave of cosmic chuckling, the Universe was suddenly gone, leaving Pinkie to gaze at the sky in wonderment, her impossibly wide smile glinting in the bright afternoon sun. She could hardly wait to tell Gummy all about her new friend!
***
Oh blast it all, the Universe had forgotten to ask Pinkie about why her planet's sun was behaving so strangely! Not to mention there was definitely a peculiar feeling surrounding that bizarre crater formation on the moon. Still, the Universe knew that someday soon, it would be returning to that strange, out of the way corner of itself. It would just ask Pinkie Pie about it later. In the meantime, for the first time in eons, it had something to look forward to, and a sense of purpose beyond wanton destruction. In fact, the Universe decided that now would be the perfect time to see if there were any other planets inhabited by wonderful creatures like Pinkie Pie.
Choosing a new galaxy at random, the Universe found a promising looking star system, with a charming mix of gas giants and standard planets. Most were barren, though beautiful, but the third planet out from the star was a riot of life, much like the one Pinkie Pie called home. Eager to make more new friends, the Universe shifted its perception down to the surface of the planet, a planet inhabited by a peculiar species of bipedal, furless primates.
Approximately five minutes later, the Universe simultaneously detonated every star in the galaxy.
