Conversion Bureau: Just Because They're Out To Get You...

by Alex Warlorn

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Tragedy, Discord, Death, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike
Length: 3578

Twilight Sparkle returns from Sunset Shimmer's world to suddenly find things are not how they should be, at all.

The humans have crushed the evil but incompetent pony invaders. Equestria now belongs to them as their new state. Celestia and the other so called Princesses are all dead or put in their place. It is truly a glorious time for humanity!
Except... Twilight Sparkles know that this can't be right!

It's not just ponies the potion offers transformations of after all.

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Fanfic.TheConversionBureauNotJustPonies

Published 2021-09-02 22:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-02 22:00:01 UTC

... doesn't mean you're not...

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and Starlight Glimmer returned from another visit to the second human world via the magic mirror. Human Agent Sweetie Drops might have been the world's youngest secret agent, but she was a shrewd negotiator in what Equestria could offer her country in exchange for allowing refugees from the third human world to migrate, paperwork for new identities and new lives were time consuming after all.

For Agent Sweetie Drops this was her big break, she had the most experience with these alien magical horses after all, and thus was made liaison.

Twilight was uneasy about what she could, or shouldn't, give over to one nation of humans on a planet with two hundred, all seeking to gain some advantage over the others. But it would at least several innocent people the bodies they'd been born into back... sort of. There were humans of the third Earth brought to the second Earth who had reacted with disgust and horror at the big eyed, small mouthed, brightly colored native humans. Those particular humans had decided their chosen Equus forms were less 'disgusting' by comparison. Those who'd chosen to become dragons had even fewer options unless they wanted to be a talking dog for the rest of their life in the third Earth.

Spike would often say, "Only dragons got picked on by that stupid mirror! All the other creatures just become humans!"

Too bad the rainbow bridge to the first human world from which the legendary Megan Willaim had come from had been lost for thousands of years.

"Catch ya on the flip side!" Sunset waved with a smile.

"You know it," Twilight nodded, and the three passed into the twisting taffy spinning between worlds.

When coming out of the magic mirror... Twilight was confused to find it in a pawn shop, just as the earth pony shop owner Davenport was confused to find them stepping out of it.

Twilight was even more confused when she saw cracked and damaged artifacts and treasures from Canterlot, being sold off as babbles.

"What's going on here! Davenport! Who sold you all this? These are all stolen Canterlot treasures!"

Davenport looked at her with total indifference. "So?"

"So! You can't just steal from Canterlot!"

"Says who?"

"Says the guards!"

"That so? Just go ask them yourselves then," Davenport said, turning away from her.

Twilight was bewildered at the normally mild mannered pony's behavior. But she quickly left the shop with her friends to do just that.

Except there were no pony royal guards anywhere. Instead, there, human soldiers occupying street corners of a bombed Ponyville.

And Ponyville ponies walking about with a broken look in their eyes.

What Princess Twilight and her friends had returned to was madness.

"HEY! YOU! YOU'RE UNDER HOUSE ARREST!" shouted one of the human soldiers.

Starlight began to say, "I'm with my royal escort, and my house arrest was served years-"

"I'm talking to the horned winger witch!" The soldier snapped.

Starlight was in shock. Spike began to take a step forward but Starlight thankfully stopped him from mouthing off to the armed man.

Ten minutes of insults, shouting, and absolutely no actual information later... Twilight found herself at... the Golden Oaks Library. It looked like it had been fully restored after Tirek’s attack, only to get bombed and partly burned down all over again later. Many of the books had been defaced or stolen, along with other things.

Spike asked first, "Did someone mess around with time again?"

"Are we in another Equestria altogether?" Starlight asked the next logical question.

Twilight immediately cast the spell she'd adapted from Zecora's alchemy. She shuddered and cast another one. And she shivered.

"No... and no... this IS our Equestria... and I didn't pick up the wave distortions of a recently altered timeline ... "

"Well I know it's a safe bet that not all of us have gone crazy!" Starlight said.

Spike nodded.

Twilight did some quick mental tricks, designed to test if she was dreaming... or was in some changeling pod induced catatonic state.

Twilight found a letter to her from Celestia buried in a pile of other unopened letters. Twilight hoped against hope it was a message explaining this madness as had happened on the Day of Chaos.

Her head tilted in confusion, "Last words? Last confession? Plea for understanding? What the buck?"

Her eyes widened in horror and alarm. "It... it says here... Sunset Shimmer visited the human world... visiting Africa, decades ago, and was KILLED and EATEN?!"

"BUT WE SAW SUNSET WAVE GOODBYE WHEN WE CAME THROUGH THE PORTAL!" Starlight exclaimed.

"Which means whatever this is... this world isn't as real as it thinks it is," Twilight said slowly.

Twilight went through the other intact books... there was no mention of Sombra, Chrysalis, the Pony of Shadows, the Sirens, The Storm King, Tirek... Those books had been removed, or were never here to begin with. Nightmare Moon was mentioned only in passing, and Discord's mentions were sporadic. Not sporadic as in typical Discord, but sporadic as in somepony had done a poor job editing them somehow.

In their place were mentions of 'ponykind's burden' and 'bringing Equestria's enlightenment to the lesser races.'

The newspaper that Twilight found in the kitchen was thankfully filled in many gaps of what was going on... but it made absolutely no sense.

There was talk about Equestria now being ruled by the human world... no mention of the other kingdoms...

And no mention of the Tree of Harmony, nor the Friendship School.

And... the number of converted humans was insanely small... before the centers were all destroyed, and the humans 'counter-invaded' Equestria. And... there was no mention of New Whelps, New Pups, New Kittens, New Griffs, or any of the other species Celestia had begged aid for in constructing the conversion centers in time, in exchange for potions to be available for humans to become their species. (With the agreement New Whelps would have a cap of only 1% of all humans alive unless a large number of Earth Pony converts to provide gem growth for a hungry new draconic population. And griffins offering nobility to any new griffs who had engineering degrees).

Only New Foals... who were described less like people, and more like brainwashed puppets who could only be locked up for their own good, in the hope that a cure might be found someday.. All part of Equestria's evil plan to conquer the world, with their co-conspirators the Illuminati who had funded the PER. And had also funded the HLF to demonize those who dared stand against the invaders. Invaders? The Tartarus?

And the Veil... the border line from where the spread of wild magic had reach so far in the human world... was described like it was some invented magical wall that was destroyed by just firing anti-magic missiles at it. It made as much sense as destroying the ocean by dropping bombs on the shoreline.

The way the battles were described, it was like ponies had forgotten any tactic except 'mindlessly marching towards enemies to be gunned down' and seemed to have forgotten every single bit of tactical and strategic magic that even Twilight knew the basics of.

Twilight's mind became dizzy as she read about her friends... either having to switch sides because of Equestria's determination to turn people into living zombies (no talk at all about how the spreading wild magic was deadly to humans and the Equus forms were a last ditch effort), or died like vermin against humanity's unstoppable military might, with weapons developed from the area 51 UFO crash. And ... oh Celestia, the CMC were killed in an air-raid?!

By now Spike was curled up hugging himself, while Starlight staring into space... memories of the Crystal War timeline coming to her.

Twilight felt her heart break... her big brother, Shining Armor... the master of shield magic, the pony who always believed in being a protector rather than an attacker, was apparently killed by a sniper... who was now a national hero of the humans. Twilight's lip quivered.

And she realized... there was no mention of Flurry Heart anywhere, none at all. Only a remark of the Crystal Empire... obliterated off the map in an instant by human might, apparently reclaimed from the lost technology of Atlantis. "Cadence..."

Then she felt like she was truly in a nightmare at what she read next, "P... Prince Celestia... executed?! For crimes against humanity!? WHAT THE TARTARUS IS THIS NONSENSE?!" Then Twilight became scarily quiet. She started off into the distance. "Nonsense? ... Could.... Could that really be it?"

Twilight stood firm, her horn began to glow.

"... Twilight what are you doing?" Spike asked.

"... Scanning for chaos magic. Wide range. As far as it can go. It'll only give me the vaguest sense, but I can cast it again as we get close!"

"Are we looking for Discord to fix this?" Starlight asked.

"I don't know if Discord COULD help even if we could contact him. But he's not the one I'm looking for."

"But Discord's the only one who does chaos magic!"

"No. It's only Draconequi who do chaos magic."

"But Discord's the only one... isn't he?" Spike asked.

"The only one in Equestria maybe," Twilight said, her eyes still closed and her horn glowing brightly. Her eyes narrowed. "So that's it... Come along guys, it's time to meet the creator of this world."

Twilight didn't bother to explain further and she took the others and teleported. Twilight teleported to the top of mountains, the depths of forests. Far away from any military presences. That she was able to do this so easily confirmed what she already expected. "Reminds me of some indie Ogres and Oubliettes settings I've played... and how easy it is to abuse loopholes."

Starlight grinned. "HA! I knew you played that!"

They kept teleporting.

Twilight's scans became longer as they stopped on a buoy off the coast of a beach. "Almost there guys... "

"How about an explanation please!" Spike asked.

"We're dealing with a Draconequus god of chaos alright... but not Discord... and not a more evil distant relative of his, not precisely... One whom I'm guessing has no true control of their power."

"So they did this by accident?" Spike asked.

"Not sure I'd call it an accident, more like... a reaction... Like Starlight."

"Huh?" Starlight responded. "You mean my time travel?"

"No. LIke how you were emotionally determined to prove to yourself that Sunburst had abandoned you because of his talent... rather than being too afraid to admit he was a total failure at practical application. You were determined to reshape the world as long it proved what you were feeling was right, or rather, so you didn't have to face the fact that you might be wrong."

"But where did this guy even come from?!" Spike asked.

"Remember what Discord kept boasting about? How every world with magic had to have a god of chaos? And once the only uncontaminated place on Earth was Africa, he'd produce ONE draconequus potion... and have people punch it out over who got it. ... I think nature wasn't willing to wait for Discord ... and it anointed a draconequus all on its own. Like the magic of Sunset's world, it acted on its own."

"This whole world reeks of a fever dream conjured up by a paranoid delusional... someone who believes every conspiracy theory is true... "

"Shouldn't we be ... ya know... MORE PREPARED to face a draconequus? Maybe make me super big and manly and-"

"No Spike."

"Dangit."

"And we're as ready as we need to be." Twilight teleported again.

They were in a basement bedroom... with countless locks on the door. Gun and ammo in one corner. Canned food and water in another. And a well used and clean shower in the third. And posters covering the walls like 'Nuke The Whales' 'Big Brother Is Watching' 'Where were the Stars During the Moon Landing?' 'LIBERATION WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT!' 'U.S. OF A., OH YEAH!' 'Who Was the Second Gunman?!'

Books on the Bermuda Triangle and the Flat Earth were stacked about as well... And on the top, were the newest books written just before the Veil made landfall in California. 'The Candy Horses Are Selling You Candy Horseapples!'

Starlight readied herself for a fight, having already cast the 'anti-chaos' barrier Twilight had taught her, Spike braced himself. Twilight merely trotted to a bed with a long snake-like shape buried beneath the blankets.

Twilight magically pulled off the cover.. There was a draconequus... eyes wide and not seeing anything, his entire body twisted in knots. He was made up of the leg of a buffalo, the paw of a coyote, the wings of an eagle and a turkey, and the paws of a brown bear and a cougar, and the tail end of a wolf.

His entire body quivered. Otherwise, he didn't react to their presence at all.

"Ascension without someone there to help you along is terrifying... I know," Princess Twilight said, flaring her wings.

"So... a chaotic paranoid mind... plus rebirth into a draconequus... chaos magic... plus a planet being covered in wild magic... equals..." Starlight began.

"A world where every last one of his paranoid fantasies is real... along with his deepest desires," Twilight finished.

Spike asked, "So how do we fix this?"

Twilight thought, "I'm guessing Discord can't come here because he's chaos, and this is chaos... so all that chaos together would just make things worse... And curing someone of paranoid dementia takes years... "

Starlight said, "Solution Twilight, not the problem. His demented mind and chaos magic twisted both worlds into this amplified by the wild magic... How do we snap the world back to normal?"

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "The same way he twisted it to begin with. Discord's chaos magic has a superimposed state, it's constant magic, if it was spontaneous magic my anti-chaos spell couldn't undo anything because that would then be its natural state. ... Which means he STILL has a connection to all of this happening! If I can connect to him... maybe I can hijack the wild magic he's using and pull this warping away and everything should snap back to normal."

Starlight declared, "You're joking! That's dangerous!"

"If you have any better ideas I'll be happy to hear them. Since this reality warp is superimposed, it SHOULD MEAN that those who are 'dead' should be still alive, like those who it decides 'don't exist' to fit its narrative, are actually alive, but they're like phantoms, unable to interact with anything. But the longer they're like that... the more it might affect their mental health! The sooner we undo this madness the better... I've been inside Discord's mind before... Also, Spike, Starlight, please hold onto me, don't let go. I'm... going to need you as emotional anchors to make sure I don't get lost in there. If this was Discord at his full power I couldn't get through... but in the state this guy is in... I should be able to do it."

Spike and Starlight hugged Twilight... and as asked, didn't even think of letting go, hugging the Alicorn like a vice.

"And guys, I know this sounds weird, but please please PLEASE keep your thoughts on me!"

The two nodded.

Princess Twilight's horn glowed, and it touched on the unresponsive draconequus' head.

Twilight's entire body felt like it was going to shake apart. The connection remained, but Spike and Starlight felt like they were being bucked around by the princess. They held on for dear life!

Twilight had visions of herself turned into rubber, wood, plastic, glass, and far far far more unpleasant things. But she still dove through the paranoid's mind, every shadow whispered of conspiracy, every action part of the masterminds' plot. Being the only way his traumatized mind could make sense of the world. Pulling everything in to fit within the box of his mind.

In the real world, Twilight gritted her teeth, her fur matted with sweat, fighting back the paranoid delusions that tried to set root in her own mind, trying to enter in from her own worrywart habits. Twilight danced through the maze, everything part of the deception, nothing true, except it was told was the truth behind the deception... Because it always made one feel more special, and it fed one cynical comfort, if everything everywhere was just a farce for something else.

And Twilight dared insert logic and reasoning, as Celestia had taught, as she'd always taught one valuable truth: faith and reason were not enemies, but two halves of a whole. And she gripped the thread. And she knew one thing. Of her own paranoid fears, that Celestia had manipulated her entire life, that Celestia was behind the Windigos to force ponies together, that Sunset was a clone of Celestia, that Celestia was Twilight's biological mother... Twilight knew... Celestia did not punish creatures for being different. And the Princess Celestia Twilight knew... knew how to reach out to her friends for help...

Princess Twilight, Spike, and Starlight Glimmer were knocked back, clear to the other side of the basement. The draconequus went limp.

"Did it work?" Starlight asked.

"Worked well enough I say." Discord teleported into the basement, with a worker's immigrant's permit hanging around his neck. "Hello friends! Wonderful to see you! Not dead, imprisoned for war crimes that would have been laughably out of character for you, died meaningless trivial deaths that would have just been CONFUSING, or-"

"CAN IT, DISCORD!" The three said together.

"... Nice to see you too," Discord snorted. "But all the same, thank you Twilight... if my new junior here kept going... he'd have likely stayed like that till... maybe the sun burned out... ascension trauma can be such a ugly thing. Wonder why so many mortals strive for it, oh wait, you never wanted to be a goddess in the first place."

"Focus Discord!" Starlight said quickly.

"Yes yes, sorry. So yes my dear Twilight, it seems you saved two worlds, and none will ever realize you even have! ... And it seems you won't be able to call upon my help for a good long while... taking care of a newly ascended Draconequus and teaching them the ropes is going to be a full time job for a while... But it certainly will be fun to have a playmate who I know can take it!" Discord spoke that last sentence with a mouth full of fangs.

"So... so it worked?" Twilight whispered. "That horrible paranoid fantasy he dreamed up? It's gone?"

Discord laughed. "Gone? As far as anyone is concerned, it never even happened! None of my sweet Fluttershy's friends are dead or evil or imprisoned. Equestria is alive and well and good friends with all those creatures you indoctrinated the nice-friendly old fashioned way with your harmonious way of thinking. The humans haven't conquered you like you couldn't defend yourselves from a butterfly... Oh. And the humans as a species are still doomed... "

Twilight lowered her head. "... I had to undo all the changes, I didn't have time to pick and choose what could stay." She looked up at Discord. "I..." Her voice quivered. "I don't suppose YOU could help them, using the wild magic the same way?"

"Oh Twilight Twilight Twilight..." Then Discord's face became shockingly solemn. "I'm sorry. This little episode was due to that incredibly rare magical spark of a draconequus coming into existence... that normally only happens when the concept of magic is introduced to a world. And one of my family is born to unbalance the equation to keep it from being perfectly static harmony." Now it was Discord's turn to lower his head. "I can't."

Discord took the new draconequus in his arms. "Time to take the boy home... Seems he'll become just another John Doe in these chaotic times... unless you want to share that the birth of one of my kind almost destroyed your world. And would have saved humans their precious DNA simply at the cost of turning you and all you love into corpses, villains, and broken shells .. Best you lot get back to Equus. You do have that report to give Celestia about migrants to Sunbutt Junior's world. Byyyyyyyyye!" Draconqui went poof.

Twilight looked around at the room again. A temple to paranoia... Maybe not too bad a birthplace for a spirit of chaos. Did this man have family? A wife? Children? Parents? Did Twilight have the right for his fate to remain unknown? Or would he simply bend time and space and visit them himself when he was ready? Blast it, she should have asked!

"Twilight... I just thought of something very uncomfortable... Who is the Draconequus of Sunset's world?" Starlight asked.

"... Maybe it doesn't need one? Since magic there is wild no matter what?" Twilight offered.

"I hope so," Spike finished.

Twilight breathed in deep. "Alright. Let's go home. And hug your parents when you get there."

"One step ahead of ya," Spike said, hugging Twilight. Twilight put a wing around the dragon she had fed, raised, and changed the dirty diapers of. Starlight merely stood next to her, a determined look on her face. In a flash of light, they made their way back to the Equestria they knew and loved.

~Fin