Chuck Baleigh Goes to Ponyville (Read: "Mistake")

by Chuck Baleigh

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 8604

The most insane, vulgar, and horrible businessman invades Ponyville. OhGodwhy.jpg

A normal day in Ponyville turns deadly when an odd creature on two legs spontaneously appears out of nowhere. At first, the creature doesn't seem to be of concern, as it explains it is just a businessman that goes by the name of Chuck Baleigh. However, as the ponies soon learn, Chuck is a horrible, threatening person.
–
Before questions arise, Chuck is not me. (It's just my username).
He is a character I made a few months back as a joke.
I also just wrote this because the idea wouldn't leave me alone.
His character will be explained.
Don't you worry.
I won't leave you clueless as to who he is.
By the way, this is gonna be vulgar.
Very, very vulgar.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-27 23:52:05 UTC

Arrival

Author's Note: Fair warning, if you hate a main character that speaks in all caps, turn back now.----------------------------

Chuck Baleigh Goes to Ponyville

Written By: Chuck Baleigh

Once again, Ponyville bathed in fresh, warm sunlight. The day was like any other one that wasn't messed up by some kind of disaster (which seemed to happen a lot, for some reason). Foals laughed and played. Vendors sold their goods. Ponies in love took advantage of the fresh spring day to have picnics. To sum up, it was just a nice day.

Twilight stood in thought, trying to remember what else she needed from the market. How odd that the most organized unicorn in Ponyville had forgotten her list. Oh well. Brainpower and memory was also this pony's forte, so it shouldn't be hard to remember what was missing, right? Well, maybe it would be if that list stretched a couple yards, but it could be done!

"Come oooooon, Twilight! Can we just take a break and get lunch before we start trying to remember what we need?" Twilight's #1 assistant, Spike, moaned behind her. "I can't think on an empty stomach!"

"Just one more thing, Spike. We'll get something else from the list (if I remember anything) before we get lunch," Twilight assured him.

Spike groaned. "But Twilight, I'm starving! Besides, we haven't remembered anything else we need since we got more inkwells, and that was an hour ago! I told you we should've gone back to the library to get the list. Hey, maybe if we go back there, we can eat while we look for it!" He grinned at Twilight, hoping he might finally get something to eat.

Twilight put a hoof to her chin. It would be nice to have the list with them, and to get Spike to stop whining. Besides, she could also put away the things she already bought too. "Hmmm... eh, why not?"

"YES!" Spike jumped up on Twilight's back. "To the library, AWAY!"

Before Twilight could gallop like a trusty steed to the library, however, there was a large purple-pink glow in the sky. Not only did it catch the duo's attention, but the whole of Ponyville's as well. The glow continued to radiate in the sky, seemingly hypnotizing everypony who stared on at it. After a few moments, however, the glow subsided, and shrank down to a little ball in the market. Then, the ball popped, and what appeared to take its place was an odd two-legged creature. Everypony continued to gaze at what was once the purple-pink ball, scanning the creature of its features.

It wore a brown-red tattered business shirt, with a ripped white tie that had red and blue curves on what remained of it. Its right sleeve was ripped off to reveal an arm covered in what appeared to be boils, or maybe even miniature tumors. Its left sleeve had a cuff that was left open and loose. There were two buckles that were supposed to go over the shirt, but they were out of place, one hanging off the creature's leg, the other hanging behind its shirt.  Its long, brown pants looked almost flawless, except for a rip in the leg area. It wore black and white shoes, which looked undamaged.

The worst thing, however, was this creature's face. It had a large mass that looked like it was growing off of its chin. It had long, black eyes, and a mouth that looked like it was permanently formed into a wide smile.

Before anypony could say or do anything, the creature grabbed two objects from its pockets. One, in his right hand, was gray, looked like it had a long tube at the front of it, a circular middle, and a brown curve at the end of it. The other, in his left hand, was a small, black device, with little holes in it and a button on its side. The creature pressed down on the button and spoke into the device.

"YOU COCKBUMS DIDN'T USE DRUGS IN THE PORTAL DEVICE WHILE YOU BUILT IT, DID YOU?"

There was silence for a moment. Then, the little device squeaked and buzzed to life. Another voice rang out from it.

"No, sir. *cough* Why do you ask?"

The creature pressed the button on the side again. "WHY DOES CHUCK ASK? YOUR PORTAL WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HIM TO AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION WITH PEOPLE TO SELL STUFF TO, RIGHT?"

The device put out the voice again. "Yes, sir. That was *cough* what was intended *cough* sir."

"WELL, IT SEEMS YOUR FUCKING DEVICE FAILED. IT SENT CHUCK TO A PLACE WHERE ONLY ACID TRIPS CAN TAKE YOU. THERE ARE ONLY A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUPID HORSES," the creature eyed Spike. In response, Spike shrunk behind Twilight. It continued, "AND APPARENTLY A GODDAMN DRAGON, WITH OVER-SIZED EYES AND STUPID FACES. HOLY SHIT, SOME OF THEM HAVE WINGS! AND HORNS!

"Sir *cough, cough*, are you referring to unicorns and pegasi? Those are mythical creatures. How are you seeing them, among *cough* horses and a dragon?"

"DON'T ASK CHUCK, DIPSHIT. THIS IS YOUR DEVICE. YOU SHOULD BE EXPLAINING TO CHUCK WHY HE'S SEEING THESE THINGS."

"I apologize *cough* sir."

"YOU BETTER BE. AS SOON AS CHUCK GETS BACK THERE-" Before the creature could finish, Twilight interrupted it, as everypony else stood frozen in fear.

"Um, excuse me, but, who are you? What are you? How did you get here?"

The creature looked down on Twilight, and for a moment, she regretted asking the beast the question. It stared at her, but she couldn't see its expression. Its face was hidden behind that soulless smile. After what seemed like an eternity, the creature, which Twilight deduced was named "Chuck", lifted the device it was talking into and spoke.

"HEY, THE STUPID HORSES CAN TALK. ALRIGHT MORONS, YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME. MAYBE THEY CAN BUY STUFF, TOO. BOY WOULD THAT REALLY HELP YOU. ANYWAYS, CHUCK'S GONNA GO NOW. HE'S GONNA SEE IF HE CAN NEGOTIATE WITH THESE STUPID THINGS."

Chuck put the device back in one of his pockets, but kept the other trinket in his right hand out. What was that thing, anyways? Twilight's thoughts were halted when Chuck stared directly at her, which sent chills down her spine. Those big black eyes felt like they were staring right into her soul. Right into her very essence.

"SO, YOU WANNA KNOW HOW CHUCK GOT HERE, HUH? YOU WANNA KNOW HIS BACKSTORY, DO YA?"

Twilight wasn't sure why, but she nodded in response to Chuck's questions, even though he seemed to be mocking her.

Without warning, Chuck grabbed Twilight by the neck, almost choking her. He lifted her up to eye level, as Spike fell off of her back. Ponies around gasped in fear and shock, but did nothing, still too afraid to move. Chuck, with Twilight in tow, walked over to a nearby bench, sat down, and put Twilight in his lap as he began stroking her mane.

"WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW WHO 'OL CHUCK IS, HE'LL EXPLAIN TO YOU BY STARTING OUT WITH WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER TODAY, BECAUSE HE'S NOT TELLING YOU A WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE STORY. INSTEAD, HE'LL START WITH A DRAMATIC OPENING OF HIS WONDERFUL FACTORY, AND IT'LL BE FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF ONE OF HIS WORKERS. THEN IT'LL GO TO WHAT HAPPENED TO CHUCK. YOU'RE FINE WITH THAT, RIGHT?"

Not wanting to risk angering Chuck, Twilight nodded slowly.

"GOOD. IF YOU WEREN'T OKAY WITH IT I'D RIP OFF THAT FUCKING HORN ON YOUR HEAD AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS."

With this thought in mind, Twilight gulped. It was then that Chuck started his story.

Explanation

Notice: This chapter has no pony. Next one will, but this one doesn't, so don't bitch that there's no pony here.

The factory was in the most desolate condition it had probably been in since it started. The employees were all payed minimum wage, and sometimes even less than that. None of them were provided benefits or health care. If one were to get an injury while working in the factory, the money to pay the hospital bills would be taken right out of their check. They got horrible schedules and working times, too. They'd have to come in every day and work 12 hours. Think about that. Every day, 12 hours. Oh, and they didn't have holidays off either, FYI.

The conditions were awful. Smoke billowed out of several machines, so it was hard to see, and you'd most likely be coughing your lungs out until you died. The interior of the factory felt more hot and humid than Satan's asshole. If one were in their right mind, they would immediately abandon this factory and find another job. And there were people in their right mind. These sane people included absolutely every worker in the factory. And they would've quit. They really, really would've, were it not for one thing.

A voice came on over a loudspeaker. "IT'S TIME FOR YOUR MINUSCULE LUNCHES DICKWADS! REPORT TO THE MESS HALL TO GET YOUR DIARRHEA INDUCING TV DINNERS!"

Him. He is the reason nobody even dared leave this factory. Their boss was probably one of the most cruel men to exist on the planet Earth. If it wasn't enough that he was so Goddamn ANNOYING, he constantly made threats every day to anyone who dared to think about quitting. Horrible, horrible, threats. There were rumors that spoke of one man who quit. This man was later found as nothing more than a bloody mess of a corpse outside in the parking lot. They say that the autopsy reports said that the man was shot with high-powered guns over 50 times. Even after he was dead, it was said that his corpse was still shot at just to make that bloody mess, more than likely as a warning to anyone else who wanted to quit. This warning, by the way, worked.

The employees moved to the mess hall, as instructed. No one wanted to even dare disobey the man, lest they be shot at. Oh yeah, it's probably also worth mentioning that the boss (and his guards, who were equally afraid of the boss) would sometimes just shoot at workers for fun. Of course, sometimes they intentionally missed them, lest they lose workers. Emphasis on sometimes.

Once in the mess hall, the workers lined up for their disgusting microwaved food. One by one, the workers would grab their plastic trays, get food, and sit down to eat. However, nobody spoke a word in the room. All anyone had on their mind was either thoughts about quitting, killing their boss, or committing suicide, all subjects which the boss would definitely not be pleased to hear about. How could the boss know what they were talking about if he wasn't in the room, you ask? Cameras. Microphones. Guards. They were everywhere, and watched and listened to anything and everything the workers said.

Clearly, this boss was insane. Yet strangely, he hadn't been caught by authorities yet. Not even once. He was such a slippery sunuvabitch. Many workers were very tempted to call the cops, no, the SWAT team, to come and bring this man down. However, everyone feared for their lives too much to do so, because several feared that they would become more than a bloody corpse in the parking lot. They might be hung as trophies in a secret room just for the boss' pleasure. They might be raped to death. They might even be grind up and made into next Monday's "mystery meat" lunch. All feared these possibilities too much to pick up a phone, dial 911, and report on a man that went by the name of "Chuck Baleigh".

Chuck smirked to himself. He liked that insult he'd just yelled over the loudspeaker. "Dickwad". Probably one of his favorite words. Of course, he also enjoyed calling people dipshits. Or fucktards. Or any other curse word that could be combined with a normal word.

Knowing that every employee but his scientists were on lunch break, he could now see how the research on new and advanced technology was going. He'd always have to wait until lunch break, because that meant nobody would see him go to the secret labs that only he and his scientists knew about. If his employees learned the location of the lab, then they would break into it and use the very technology that Chuck wanted to sell against him.

Chuck got up from his desk and moved towards the door to his office, bracing for the heat that would overcome him. His office was one of the only air-conditioned rooms in the factory, and he didn't want that to change. If he gave his employees air-conditioning, among other benefits, they would gain the confidence to stand up to Chuck. He had to make sure they knew that they were nothing but workers, and he was the boss.

Before leaving the room, Chuck gave a look at himself in his mirror, to make sure his sexy appearance was kept up. His face was the same as always: a large tumor like growth sprouting out of his chin, with bandages applied to it, his hair still falling out, with a few strands of white hair still left on his head, his nose crooked, and those eyes on the mask. The mask he always wore and swore to never take off. It looked like a large black smiley face emoticon ( :) <- Like that ) that covered his mouth and eyes. They still gazed into his soul, giving him the vibe that something was seriously wrong with him, and that was the exact message he wanted to send to his enemies.

"YEP. EVERYTHING IS STILL IN ORDER. HAG WIFE #33 WON'T BE ABLE TO RESIST FUCKING CHUCK TONIGHT!" Chuck yelled with splendor.

With his appearance checked out, Chuck opened his office door and left for the secret lab.

Chuck walked through the main working room, where several machines were shut down for the lunch hour. Several of Chuck's products could still be seen scattered about on the conveyor belts. Things like "The Heart Meter" and "The Mustard Gas Gun" were his top sellers. Though, the customers in question sometimes looked shady. Like that one guy who said he hated the president. He bought the Heart Meter, and the next day, the president was found dead. The Heart Meter was only supposed to be used by dumb teenagers who were suffering from their stupid break-ups! The plastic heart that was used to kill another with love or hate was not intended to be used by adults! Oh well. That just meant Chuck could run for president.

Chuck walked up to a retinal scanner and looked into it. It scanned his eye, and a voice called out from the device right after it.

"Access granted. Greetings, Chuck Baleigh."

The walls in front of Chuck began to make a large creak, and then split in two. The walls continued to separate as it revealed a white room behind them. Many small computers and devices could be seen within, along with several people wearing lab coats, but they looked fragile and unhealthy. Chuck knew why. To keep the men in here from being seen, he kept them locked up in this part of the factory. Sure, they were starving most of the time, but Chuck sent food to them. His Chuck Baleigh brand Coffee Crisps were the most he sent, and they came in small packs with 10 coffee flavored crackers. Chuck was sure it could last if he sent them some new packs every week.

The only other problem Chuck could think of with the scientists was how sick they got all the time. Sure, there was a sewage pipe that broke open above this part of the factory, but that wouldn't hurt them, would it? Yeah, maybe there were a few scientists that looked like they desperately needed a hospital, but they could just sleep it off.

Chuck moved into the room and was greeted by one of the lab coat wearing men.

"*cough* Hello sir. What would you like *cough, cough, cough* to check progress on today?"

"WELL, WHAT KIND OF THINGS ARE BEING WORKED ON RIGHT NOW?"

"Right now? Well, we are working on something so advanced, that we'll *cough* be the first to cross dimensions if *cough* it succeeds.

Chuck was very interested in this. If his company gained the power to cross the dimensional plane, he'd make millions, no, billions. Of course, nobody else would get to know the secret of the technology. Those greedy assholes would have to figure it out themselves.

"WHAT'RE WE WAITING FOR? LET'S GO CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN' PORTAL DEVICE!"

The scientist and Chuck both began a trek towards a staircase in the corner of the room, and moved downwards. The walk down was dark, with only a few dim lights set down every few levels to light the way. At the bottom of the stairs was a large door that lead to a huge chamber. The scientist held out an I.D. card, which was scanned by a small laser that protruded from a display. The door moaned and opened up, revealing a giant chamber with a tall device being the first thing Chuck saw. It looked to be a few stories high, and almost touched the top of the chamber. It looked like a giant ring with small hinges on the sides, to keep it from falling over.

"HOLY SHIT. YOU GUYS MADE THIS?" Chuck exclaimed.

"That is correct *cough* sir."

Chuck continued to move towards the giant machine, admiring its height. For once, Chuck was impressed with something, and it didn't have to do with himself. He was brought out of his thoughts by the scientist that was following him.

"Sir, would you *cough* like to see it in action?"

"WAIT, YOU'RE TELLING CHUCK THIS THING IS OPERATIONAL RIGHT NOW?"

"*cough* Yes sir. We have tested it multiple times, and we can *cough, cough* guarantee that it works."

"DO YOU THINK CHUCK COULD SEND AWAY A HAG WIFE WITH IT?"

The scientist grinned sheepishly. "Heh, funny you should mention that...your *cough* wife was one of our latest test subjects. ...and she didn't come back..."

"AND YOU DID IT WITHOUT CHUCK'S PERMISSION!?" Chuck shouted, seeming angry.

"I-it wasn't my idea!" The scientist shrunk down, covering himself with his arms to prepare for a blow.

Chuck only stared at the scientist, but then extended his hand to the cowering man. The scientist, noting this, grabbed Chuck's hand with his own, and was then surprised to find Chuck shaking it.

"YOU CRAZY BASTARDS JUST DID CHUCK A FAVOR! HE WAS GONNA KILL HER AND RE-MARRY ANYWAYS, SO YOU JUST GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY! THANKS!"

The scientist got up, confused but happy Chuck didn't decide to kill him right then and there, because he certainly wasn't above it.

"Y-you're welcome."

"ANYWAYS, SINCE HAG WIFE DIDN'T COME BACK, DOES THAT MEAN IT'S NOT SAFE?"

"W-well, it's a possibility. We've tested it on multiple flora and fauna, and we only got statistics that showed it successfully transported them into *cough* another dimension. But your wife... well, there were no readings when she went through."

Chuck stared at the scientist again. This time, the scientist let his guard down, not expecting Chuck to get angry. However, the scientist was shocked to see Chuck pull out his personal revolver and shoot a scientist across the room with it.

"GODDAMMIT, THAT MEANS IT CAN'T BE SOLD!"

The scientist shot screamed in pain and clutched his shoulder, but continued working, knowing that if he stopped, Chuck would fire again.

"S-s-sir, if you could please calm down, I just want to inform you that we're conducting another test right now."

Chuck turned his head to the shaking scientist. "RIGHT NOW, HUH? WHY IS IT THAT THERE'S NO TEST SUBJECT HERE, THEN? WHY ISN'T A TEST HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?"

"Test subjects take *cough* time to arrive sir," the scientist answered, hoping Chuck cooled down. What Chuck said next, the scientist would never expect.

"FUCK WAITING, USE CHUCK."

"Pardon, sir?"

"USE. CHUCK. AS. A. TEST. SUBJECT. CLEAN OUT YOUR GODDAMN EARS YOU TWIT."

The scientist pondered at this suggestion. Why, if Chuck went through through the portal, and he ended up like his wife (whatever it was that happened to her), Chuck would be gone from this world. Forever. Everyone in the factory would be free. Free! Sure, they'd be out of jobs, but they'd manage. It was nothing short of a miracle that Chuck for once suggested that he be used as a test subject in a dangerous test, so the scientist did the smart thing, and complied.

"Sir, *cough, cough* this is a genius idea. Why, maybe if you end up in another realm, you could sell some of your products to them! You'd gain *cough* more profit!" The scientist exclaimed, hoping that this would guarantee Chuck didn't change his mind about his decision.

"HOLY SHIT! CHUCK SHOULD PROMOTE YOU. YOU COME UP WITH THE BEST GODDAMN IDEAS AND KILL CHUCK'S STUPID HAG WIVES FOR HIM!"

"Now sir, should we begin the test?" The scientist motioned towards the machine, eager to rid the world of Chuck Baleigh.

"FUCKIN' YES. LET'S DO THIS!" Chuck yelled as he dashed to the machine. He stood in front of it, next to the place he expected the portal would open up.

Before Chuck could move towards the portal machine, the scientist stopped him.

"Excuse me, sir. *cough* You should probably take this *cough*," the scientist finished as he held out a walkie-talkie to Chuck.

"THE FUCK IS THIS FOR?"

"It's *cough* to keep in touch with us, sir. How else will you talk to us when you go to another world?"

"FAIR ENOUGH. NOW LET'S JUST DO THIS ALREADY! CHUCK'S GETTING ANXIOUS AND BORED. AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S ANXIOUS AND BORED."

I don't like you already, the scientist thought as he moved over to a control panel, where he conversed with other scientists. Then, as he and other scientists in the room put on goggles, he shouted, "Begin *cough* the machine for another portal!"

Scientists on multiple control panels began pressing buttons at a steady pace, preparing the machine for activation. Green text that represented data flashed on the screens of the panels as the scientists began sending the data into the machine to create the portal. The room was silent, save for the tapping of keys on panels, and for once, Chuck was worried. What would happen if the test fucked up? Would he ever come back here again? If he did go to another dimension, would they even have money?

Chuck was brought out of his thoughts when he heard a large *BOOM*. He looked up, and saw a purple-pink force field being created inside the ring of the machine. At first, it started as a small patch about maybe 4 yards long, but it then grew into a massive field that took up the whole ring. All the while it sparked and glowed, as if an ominous force had overtaken the machine. It roared and boomed as it finished forming, and almost deafened the whole crew.

"SMARTASSES, IS THE PORTAL FINISHED? CAN CHUCK WALK THROUGH IT?" Chuck shouted at the scientists at the panels.

"Yes sir! *cough* I can guarantee that the portal is at 100% completion *cough*. Just walk on through, and you'll be taken to wherever the coordinates are set on!"

Chuck didn't like the sound of that. "Wherever the coordinates are set on" could be anywhere. What if the land was made of fire?

"WHY DON'T YOU SET THE COORDINATES YOURSELVES?"

"Because we can't! We haven't perfected the entire process yet!"

"YOU DUMBSHITS! YOU DECIDE TO TELL ME THIS NOW!?"

All part of the scientist's plan to maybe kill Chuck. After all, what if he went to a place that had an atmosphere made of carbon-monoxide? However, just in case Chuck made it back, the scientist had to make up an excuse so that Chuck didn't want his head on a platter.

"Don't *cough* worry sir! We can guarantee you with our data that the *cough, cough* realm you're traveling to is safe!"

"DO THEY HAVE MONEY?"

"Yes! Go through the portal, quickly! It's about to close!"

Chuck glanced one last time at the scientist, then turned to the portal. He'll just go with it. He'd gotten this far. Why just create a giant portal that could take him anywhere and not go through it? With a breath, Chuck stepped forward, and into the portal.

Threats

We now return you to your regularly scheduled pony.

"AND THE REST OF THE STORY GOES LIKE THIS: YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED A FEW MINUTES AGO? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY FUCKING MENTAL." Chuck said as his story ended.

Twilight was appalled. She was sitting on the lap of a monster. How could he do that to his employees!? How could he be so cruel!? Even Discord wouldn't be as low as to do all those horrible things to those innocents workers! Wanting to get away from this beast ASAP, Twilight leapt off of his lap and backed away from him. Chuck didn't really seem to notice, however.

"SO NOW THAT CHUCK'S TOLD YOU HIS STORY," Chuck began as he got up from the bench, "IT'S TIME TO DO WHAT CHUCK REALLY CAME HERE FOR: ADVERTISE!"

Twilight braced herself. What kinds of products would this madman even sell? Certainly a creature of his mental instability couldn't make anything good, let alone safe. Her question was answered when Chuck pulled a small trinket from his pocket. It looked like a...heart?

"LISTEN GOOD, AND LISTEN WELL, JACKASSES!" Chuck started. "THIS IS THE HEART METER! NOW, CHUCK KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING: 'WHAT THE FUCK IS A HEART METER?' WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING CHUCK'S HERE TO TELL YA, HUH? THIS LITTLE SHITTY PLASTIC HEART IS EASY TO USE, AND EASY TO CARRY! THIS PRODUCT IS RECOMMENDED FOR DUMBASS TEENAGERS WHO CAN'T GET OVER THEIR BREAK-UPS! ALL YOU GOTTA DO, IS HOLD THIS PLASTIC PIECE OF SHIT TO YOUR HEART," Chuck demonstrated this by putting the trinket to his chest, "AND THEN IMAGINE ONE YOU HATE FROM YOUR RECENT BREAK-UP!

That seemed innocent enough. Maybe Twilight misjudged this thing's "products". Apparently, though, Chuck wasn't finished.

"AND THAT'S NOT ALL! I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE ACTUAL FUNCTION OF THIS THING YET! ONCE YOU HAVE YOUR EX IN MIND, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THINK OF ALL THE HATE YOU FEEL FOR THEM, AND THEY'LL DIE OF HEART FAILURE! THEY BROKE YOUR HEART, SO WHY NOT BREAK THEIRS?"

Scratch that. This guy was insane.

"AND THAT'S NOT ALL," (Dear Celestia, would this guy shut up?), "YOU CAN ALSO FILL YOUR CRUSH'S BODY WITH YOUR SWEET FEELINGS OF LOVE. WARNING: THEY MAY OR MAY NOT DIE OF A DIABETIC COMA FROM THE SWEETNESS! FOR ONLY $19.99, YOU CAN HAVE A HEART METER! IF YOU ORDER NOW, CHUCK'LL THROW IN A SECOND HEART METER, ABSOLUTELY FREE! THAT'S A $40 DOLLAR VALUE, FOR ONLY $19.99! SO, ANY OF YOU DUMB HORSES WANT ONE?" Chuck finished his little advertisement with a look at the ponies around him.

Nopony moved a muscle. They all had a mix of shock, fear, and confusion brewing inside them. It was dead silent as Chuck awaited an answer or an offer for a purchase. When that didn't happen, Chuck decided to move on to a new product.

"NONE OF YOU STUPID FUCKING HORSES LIKE THAT SHIT? FINE. FINE. CHUCK KNOWS THAT NOT ALL CONSUMERS LIKE A CERTAIN PRODUCT." Chuck rifled through his pockets and pulled out a disc-like object. "HOW 'BOUT THIS? THIS IS THE BEST GODDAMN MOVIE YOU WILL EVER SEE ON THE MARKET. IT'S CALLED THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER. THIS CRAZY FILM IS SURE TO ENTERTAIN FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALIKE. ALSO, IT IS NOT A RIP-OFF OF KUNG-FU PANDA. NO, FUCK THOSE GUYS, WE MADE THIS FIRST. FOR THE GREAT PRICE OF $9.99, YOU CAN HAVE THIS GREAT MOVIE IN YOUR HOME, SO YOU CAN WATCH IT OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOUR BRAIN ORGASMS FROM ITS GREATNESS."

Still, nopony moved. Now Chuck was getting angry, and things were definitely going to go bad if he got angry.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID HORSES? CHUCK'S PRODUCTS ARE AMAZING, AND YOU'RE ALL JUST SITTING THERE LIKE HE'S OFFERING YOU SHIT. WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE THIS, CHUCK'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO GO INTO PERSUASION MODE."

Twilight was scared now. What might "persuasion mode" be? Considering this guy was a total nutcase, it would more than likely end with somepony getting hurt. Or worse. Her fears were confirmed when Chuck grabbed a pony by the throat and held up that grey thing to her head. Chuck turned his head to the hostage pony, then back to the fearful crowd.

"TELL YOU LITTLE SHITS WHAT, IF YOU BUY ONE OF MY PRODUCTS RIGHT NOW, THIS STUPID HORSE'S BRAINS WILL NOT, REPEAT WILL NOT BE SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE. IF YOU PURCHASE NOW, I'LL THROW IN A STUPID HORSE'S LIFE SPARED, ABSOLUTELY FREE. THIS IS A $200 DOLLAR VALUE, AT ONLY $19.99 AT THE MOST! I GUARANTEE IT!"

Twilight gasped when she realized who Chuck was holding: Rarity. She looked horrified as her face started changing color, being choked by Chuck's grasp. Knowing something had to be done, Twilight spoke up.

"Sir, if I buy something from you, you're sure to let that pony go?" Twilight asked, intimidated by Chuck's head turning towards her, but trying to remain calm.

"ARE YOU REALLY THAT DEAF, YOU TWAT? YOU HEARD CHUCK. HE GUARANTEES THIS HORSE'S BRAINS WON'T SPLATTER THE WALLS IF YOU BUY ONE OF HIS PRODUCTS RIGHT NOW. A PITCHMAN NEVER LIES. I GUARANTEE IT!"

Maybe he wasn't lying. He did seem to be really serious when he said Rarity would be let go. Plus, he switched to the first person for a moment. Did that mean he really guaranteed it?

"Twilight...dear...help..." Rarity was able to sputter through Chuck's vice grip, her face now a deep purple. Rarity's plea, however, got a glance from Chuck, who pulled back a small, jagged piece at the end of the gray thing, the trinket making a *click!* as it was pulled back.

"Wait wait wait!" Twilight begged at a fast pace, "I'll buy one of your products! Just please let her go!"

Satisfied that one of these dumb animals was going to make a business deal, Chuck released the pony in his hands. The pony plopped to the ground, gasping for air.

"ALRIGHT THEN. WHAT AMAZING BALEIGH PRODUCT DO YOU WANT?" Chuck said as he emptied his pockets, several objects of varying sizes coming out of them.

Twilight didn't really care what she bought, as long as she was able to save Rarity. Since she didn't want to go back on her word and anger Chuck, however, she walked over to a random object and picked it up with her magic.

"How much is this thing?" Twilight asked Chuck as the object hovered.

"$19.99!"

What did $19.99 mean, anyways? Confused by Chuck's price, Twilight sighed and gave him 20 bits. Surely that would fit the bill.

"YOU MUST BE ONE HORNY LITTLE FUCKER," Chuck began as the coins fell in his open palm. "AFTER ALL, 'THE BIG WILLY' WILL DEFINITELY SATISFY YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS FOR HOURS ON END! WITH ITS VIBRATE FUNCTION AND SELF LUBRICATING TIP, YOU CAN BE SURE YOU'LL NEVER GROW TIRED OF SHOVING A PLASTIC DICK UP YOUR PUSSY!"

Twilight gave Chuck a confused glance, then looked to the object. Her face immediately went red as a cherry as she realized what she had just bought. It was too late to give it back and take something else, however, as Chuck was looking at the money.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE?" Chuck asked, eyeing the coins.

Twilight looked at Chuck as if he had just asked what a tree was.

"Bits. Those are bits. What, you don't have money where you come from?" Twilight asked sarcastically.

"YOU PAY ME IN MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS, NOT COINS!" Chuck yelled.

"Dollars?" Twilight asked.

"YES, DOLLARS, YOU STUPID BITCH."

"Sir, I'll have you know that bits are the only form of currency around here. There are no such things as 'dollars'."

Chuck, annoyed, pulled out a dollar bill from his wallet.

"THIS IS A DOLLAR YOU STUPID SHIT. NOW TELL ME IT DOESN'T EXIST."

"Is that a piece of paper? I think gold coins are worth more than a piece of paper. If anything, you should be giving me some of my money back," Twilight smart-mouthed.

Wait, these coins were made of gold? Fuck the dollars. Chuck was fine with these "bits". He proceeded to put the dollar and the bits into his wallet.

"NEVER MIND. CHUCK WILL JUST TAKE THESE COINS. OH AND FUCK YOU, CHUCK DOESN'T GIVE ANY MONEY BACK."

Twilight was about to retort when Chuck held that gray thing to her head.

"ALRIGHT. NOW ANOTHER PRODUCT IS GONNA BE BOUGHT, OR ELSE THIS ONE DIES."

To repay Twilight, Rarity came up and bought a random object. She came across a small brown bag of what she assumed was a snack food, since it was just a plain plastic bag, and looked to Chuck.

"How much for these...things?"

"$4.99!"

Rarity gave Chuck 5 bits.

"YOU JUST BOUGHT A BAG OF CHUCK BALEIGH BRAND COFFEE CRISPS. AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GET SOME FAT-FREE ONES. YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE TUBBY, PIGGY." Chuck laughed as he poked her side.

Then, as everypony thought Chuck would leave, he randomly grabbed another pony. However, this was not a mare, but instead, a filly.

"Let go'a me!" Apple Bloom yelled in Chuck's grip.

"IF YOU BUY ANOTHER PRODUCT RIGHT NOW, I GUARANTEE I WILL NOT RAPE THIS HORSE, HER SISTER, AND HER MOTHER. A $0 DOLLAR VALUE, FOR PROBABLY $19.99."

And so the process of pony saving pony through money was repeated over and over until everypony's wallets were absolutely raped.

--

Chuck grinned at his wallet, satisfied today was successful. He got lotsa money today, and he couldn't be happier. Unfortunately, the stupid horses decided that he should be thrown in jail. What happened once he sold his last product was still a blur to him. He remembered some winged asshole horses flying down with some omega bitch with rainbow hair, and then she came light from her horn, and the next thing Chuck knew, he was here.

"FUCKIN' SHITS. IF THEY JUST BOUGHT SOME OF CHUCK'S PRODUCTS, HE WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED TO GO INTO PERSUASION MODE."

It wasn't fair. Chuck was just a businessman that wanted to make a living. When nobody wants your products, you gotta get the people to buy 'em, one way or another. Firing off a couple shots from his trusty revolver may not have been the best idea, however. He killed one of 'em, and Chuck was not in his factory anymore, so he was vulnerable. Vulnerable enough to be beaten by a fucking horse. Certainly not one of Chuck's best moments.

*KRRZT*

Chuck jumped at the random noise. What the Hell was- oh wait, that's right! The walkie-talkie was still in Chuck's pocket! Taking it out of his pocket, Chuck turned on the walkie-talkie and spoke into it.

"ARE YOU ASS-WIPES STILL THERE?"

"Yes *cough* sir. What is it that you need?"

"TO GET CHUCK THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, THAT'S WHAT."

"But sir, don't you think you *cough* should sell more products?"

"DON'T QUESTION CHUCK, JACKASS! HE'S SOLD ENOUGH SHIT TO KEEP HIM STOCKED ON MONEY FOR LIFE. NOW GET CHUCK BACK TO THE FACTORY ASAP!"

"But sir, *cough* we can't bring you back."

"THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?"

"Anything that goes through the portal comes back in approximately 24 hours."

"WELL, FUCK. CHUCK'S GONNA HAVE TO SPEND A NIGHT IN JAIL FOR ONCE, THEN."

"You're *cough* in jail sir?"

"YES, SMART-ASS. DON'T ASK WHY."

Chuck turned off the walkie-talkie and put it back in his pocket. Great. Not only would Chuck be in a jail cell for once in his life, but who knows what tomorrow might bring? Will he actually have to go to court? Will the stupid horses just kill him on the spot? Chuck pondered these questions as he heard the door to the front of the jail open. Hoof steps emanated from the other room, and they got closer. And closer. And then the door to the cell block was opened. And then that omega bitch horse and that stupid little purple one from earlier came to Chuck's cell and faced him.

"Do you know why you're here?" asked the omega bitch.

"FOR WANTING TO SELL SOME OF MY GODDAMN PRODUCTS? YEAH, THAT SEEMS RIGHT. AND FAIR. YOU CUNT." Chuck answered, not realizing who exactly he was talking to.

"No, you're here on several counts of attempted murder, actual murder, and disturbing the peace." the omega bitch replied.

"That was a bad guess, too." the purple one sneered.

"SUCK A DICK, YOU GRAPE. OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET TO USING THAT BIG-WILLY YOU BOUGHT FROM ME."

The purple horse backed away, blushing.

"SO WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO WITH ME, YOU FUCKS? YOU CAN'T KEEP ME HERE FOREVER, CUZ I'M GONNA BE GOING BACK TO MY OWN WORLD TOMORROW."

The omega bitch put a hoof to her chin and thought. Then, she answered.

"You will be put on trial for your crimes posthaste. Since we have several witnesses to each of your crimes, you have no chance of being found innocent. And who knows? Maybe the judge will sentence you to prison time, or maybe he'll sentence you to execution." The omega bitch finished with an evil smirk.

Chuck glared at the omega bitch. Was she really challenging Chuck Baleigh? He has been avoiding the authorities and courts for years. He'll find a way out of this.

"FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE BUT HOME."

The omega bitch only shook her head and left Chuck's cell, the purple one following her. He heard two doors open and close, signaling the two horse's departures.

HA, I BET THE GRAPE TOTALLY KISSES THE OMEGA BITCH'S ASS, Chuck thought.

With nothing left to do, Chuck lied on the cot and went to sleep, bracing for whatever may come tomorrow.

Punishment

The sun pierced Chuck's gaze as he looked out the window of his cell. It was around 10:00, according to Chuck's watch. When would the omega bitch and her little purple ass-kisser get here? Would they even come back? Chuck hoped at least one of them did. He needed something to shoot, after all.

Chuck pulled out his revolver from his pocket. How many bullets were left? He broke the gun open and counted: 2, and he had no extra ammo. One bullet for each of the horses. He'd have to make these shots count.

The door to the cell block opened. Chuck quickly put away his gun, not wanting anyone to take away his only defense against anything for the moment (seriously, why didn't they take this thing off of him, anyways?). A horse in gold armor with wings stopped in front of Chuck's cell and opened it.

"Your court session is scheduled to start in 10 minutes at the local courthouse. Come with me," the horse said to him.

"SUCK MY COCK." Chuck replied.

It was then that another horse in gold armor came around, except this one had a horn like the grape. It began glowing, and Chuck could feel himself levitate off of the ground.

"HOLY FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

The guard horses ignored him and began to leave the cell, the one with the horn bringing Chuck along. They exited the cell block, and then the jail house, Chuck floating along behind them. As they moved towards the court house, Chuck could see other horses looking at him with either fear or hatred, mainly the latter. Chuck only chuckled to himself. It was their fault for not buying his stuff off the bat. They should be hating themselves more than they did him.

In a matter of a few minutes, the two horses and Chuck reached the courthouse. The three entered the building (one of them unwillingly) and made their way to the court room. All the horses in the room looked to Chuck with disgust as the guard horses put him on the defendant's booth.

"FUCKIN' HORSES. I WANT A LAWYER."

"Mr. Baleigh," the judge horse began, "Rest assured that we had given you ample opportunity to have hired a lawyer by now. You didn't take the chance, so you'll have to go without."

"AMPLE OPPORTUNITY? I WAS ROTTING IN A GODDAMN JAIL CELL-"

"And you could have asked in that time for a lawyer." The judge cut Chuck off, owning him.

Chuck, with a hurt ego, considered shooting this horse instead of the omega bitch or the grape. He reached into his pocket for his gun, but found it was missing. He looked behind him to see that one of the guard horses were carrying it. They must have taken it when Chuck wasn't paying attention. Stupid horses.

Chuck looked around the room to see if there was anything he could use as an improvised weapon. As he did, he noticed a particular horse in the jury. The grape. And judging by her expression, she was eager to see Chuck lose in court and get what was coming to him.

Well, Chuck's chances certainly weren't looking good. All the horses hated him, he had no way of defending himself, and now he was going to have to spend a day in court for once in his life. So much for his record. Could anything happen to change this unfortunate turn of events?

Court began, and Chuck braced for the worst.

--

Chuck was pretty sure court didn't work like this. He was being executed after about a two hour trial in which all the horses stacked up all the shit he did yesterday against him, and then watched it collapse on him. He was sentenced to execution (harsh, by the way) and it was to take place today. Not publicly, however. Though the ponies are happy he's going to die, they don't really want to see him die.

The guards escorted Chuck down a hall deep in the Canterlot castle. It was only a few minutes ago that Chuck saw the omega bitch again. She said something like "You have made the foolish choice of committing heinous acts" or some shit like that. Chuck wasn't listening. He was only focused on how he didn't have his revolver anymore. He loved that thing so much, and now it was gone, their 20 year relationship put to an end by some stupid horses.

The horses and Chuck reached a dank room, where another horse, this one burly and wearing a black mask, awaited them. The executioner horse held a large axe with some kind of levitating shit that didn't make sense, and it looked like it came from his horn. The horse looked eager to end Chuck's life, as the axe looked like it was being handled by an excited child that just bought Chuck's "Make-Your-Own-Dynamite Kit".

Chuck was still sure this wasn't how court worked.

The guard horses made Chuck kneel down next to a slab of stone, and set Chuck's head onto the stone. Welp, looks like this was it. The horse with the black mask readied the axe, his horn still glowing. ...wait. That horn. It looked like it held the giant axe. Chuck's feet were free, so maybe he could kick the horn and run off. Of course, it'd be a one in a million chance that this would work, so Chuck made sure not to get his hopes up.

The horse steadied the axe, brought it over his head, and swung.

--

Kick: A.

--

Get too caught up in the scene and not realize there was a quick-time event.

Escape

Chuck swiftly moved his leg and hit the horse's horn, causing the axe to fly out of its grip and into the face of one of the guard horses. The executioner horse was dazed from Chuck's attack, and tried to steady itself. Chuck got up as the blood began pouring out of the guard horse's split head, his body dropping to the ground.

"SUCK ON THAT, DICKWEED," Chuck taunted the corpse.

Not having time to mourn the loss of his comrade, the other guard horse made a swing with his hoof, trying to hit Chuck in the face. Chuck reacted quickly, dodging the hoof.

The executioner horse came back to its senses and picked up the axe again, ready to cut into Chuck. Chuck kicked the other guard horse in the face, causing him to stumble back. As the executioner horse readied to swing the axe again, Chuck formulated an idea. If he could turn around just as the executioner swung, the axe might hit the cuffs on Chuck and break them.

The executioner swung, and Chuck spun around just as the axe moved past his back.

*CHINK!*.

That did it. The cuffs were broken. Now Chuck could fight back.

The executioner, realizing his error, got frustrated and began swinging the axe violently, hoping he would hit Chuck. To dodge this, Chuck hit the floor and waited for the mad horse to come by him. The executioner wasn't paying attention to what he was doing, only focusing on swinging the axe. Once the horse got in range, Chuck tripped him by grabbing a hoof with his hand and pulling.

The horse hit the ground and the axe fell out of his levitate-y grip. Chuck, acting quickly, picked up the axe. He looked on the tripped horse with an evil glint in his eye before raising the axe up and chopping into the horse. The swing made a large opening in the horse's side, the blood and organs slowly gushing out.

The guard horse, having watched the whole scene in horror, tried to tackle Chuck to the ground. However, Chuck took notice as the horse came flying at him, and swung the axe. The force caused the axe to cut the horse clean in half, the blood splattering around the room. The two halves of the horse fell to the ground and lied there, a memento to Chuck's victory over the horses.

Chuck looked around the room, grinning evilly. Who knew killing stupid horses would be so fun? It was almost as good as his 19th wedding. Boy, was that a bloodbath. It was then that Chuck noticed something. Slipping out of one of the guard horse's armor pieces was...the gun. Well, whaddaya know. This stupid horse must've been the same one that took away his trusty revolver. Discarding the axe, Chuck walked over to the guard horse's corpse and picked up his favorite toy.

*KRRZT!*

God-DAMN that scared Chuck. Knowing immediately what the noise was, Chuck took the walkie-talkie out of his pocket.

"Sir, are *cough* you still there?" the familiar scientist's voice rang out from the walkie-talkie.

"WHY YES CHUCK IS. THANKS FOR ASKING," Chuck answered in the happy tone he used when experiencing a fresh kill.

"Sir, you have 10 minutes until *cough* you are brought back. Be prepared for that." And with that, the walkie-talkie buzzed and turned off.

10 minutes? Chuck broke open his gun again. Still 2 bullets, just like this morning. Killing the grape was out of the question now, but Chuck knew the omega-bitch was still here. Chuck checked his watch. 12:34. He'd have to do this quickly.

Wanting to make sure he shot and killed the omega-bitch, Chuck made his way out of the room. Oddly, no guards were out here. Maybe this part of the castle was so deep in that none of the horses heard the scuffle. Oh well. That just made Chuck's job easier.

Chuck wasn't sure where to go, so he just walked around the castle aimlessly, hoping to find the omega-bitch. As he did so, he snuck around guards and other horses, making sure he wasn't noticed. Chuck continuously checked his watch, making sure he was making good time. As he checked his watch during one occasion, Chuck bumped into something. He didn't have time to check what it was before someone started shouting.

"The prisoner escaped! All guards proceed in re-capturing him!"

Chuck looked up from his watch to see a guard fly right at him. Chuck ducked before the horse could grab him and ran for it. Last he checked, Chuck's watch said 12:39. He had 5 minutes. Time to search faster. Since he had been detected by a guard, Chuck was now able to sprint freely through the castle, making his search faster. Unfortunately, it also meant there would be several guards on his ass.

Chuck ran throughout the castle, dodging guard after guard as they attempted to capture him. Chuck payed more attention to his watch, however, and didn't even take note of where he was running. It wasn't long until he made it into what looked like a courtyard. And what luck! Omega-bitch was here! Chuck didn't know what she was doing, but he didn't care. All the guards tailing him wouldn't even be a problem now. All he had to do was take the shot, run a bit more, and he'd be home free.

Chuck checked his watch one last time. 12:43. One more minute. It was now or nothing. The omega-bitch immediately took notice of Chuck, as did the small crowd of stupid kid horses. Omega-bitch stood in front of the kids, preparing to fight Chuck.

Chuck, checking his watch one last time as the seconds counted down, grabbed his gun, took aim at omega-bitch, and fired.

...

...

Omega-bitch was still standing. She no longer had her tiara on, so that must be an indicator that Chuck hit it instead of her. Oh well. He still had one shot left. He took aim again, and-

*VWOOMP!*

...

What the Hell? Chuck took a look at his surroundings. He was back in his factory.

"FUCK! CHUCK ALMOST HAD HER!" Chuck stomped the ground in frustration.

"Sir! You've made it *cough* back!" the scientist who had conversed with him over the radio ran to Chuck.

"YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?"

"Were you successful? Were you *cough* able to sell anything?"

"FUCK YEAH. CHUCK MADE A FORTUNE OFF OF THOSE STUPID HORSES. HE CAN GUARANTEE HE WON'T BE NEEDING TO ADVERTISE MUCH FOR AWHILE."

The scientist looked at Chuck eagerly.

"Do you think...maybe since we sent *cough* you to a successful market...we could have a raise?" The scientist grinned sheepishly at Chuck.

Chuck gave the scientist a cold, hard stare. Then, using his last bullet, he shot and killed the scientist. Frustrated, Chuck began to leave the room.

"CLEAN UP THE CORPSE, YOU SHITS. CHUCK'S NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER." Chuck yelled as the giant gate that led to the portal room shut behind him.

Execution

The axe came down on Chuck's neck, successfully severing his head from his body. The head rolled off of the slab and onto the ground, as the rest of Chuck's body shut down and died.