Arc 32
“...U N C L E A N…”
Mr. Clean stared awkwardly at the newcomer standing in the doorway. Why did it take so long for him to stand there and finish a sentence? It felt as if months went by without a word spoken. Sonata Dusk and Aria Blaze were sitting behind him on the floor playing shogi while trying to stay awake. They had been sitting in this room in dead silence as the two men were staring at each other for an eternity.
“SO,” Mr. Clean said in a voice like slippery plates getting a good scrubbing, “I see you have managed to copy my beautiful features to the T. Are you my clone or something?”
The man in the doorway was almost an exact copy of Mr. Clean, except for the… uh… no, they were the same, straight up. Well, the newcomer had yellow eyes as opposed to Mr. Clean’s blue ones. That’s a difference, but because they both wear sunglasses all the time, it’s really hard to tell. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? I said there is no clean like Mr. Unclean! I am Mr. Unclean!”
Mr. Clean shrugged. “That’s a terrible name, and I hope you stay at least 40,006 millimeters away from me at all times. But aside from that, I don’t know who you are, why you stole my look, or what you even want from me.”
Mr. Unclean stomped an ever so slightly dusty foot on the ground in frustration. “How can you not remember me! I am your twin brother! I was born only thirteen years after you!”
Sonata and Aria looked up after he said that. “A twin brother?!” The girls exchanged a glance that suggested they had dirty thoughts on their minds.
“That’s foolish!” Mr. Clean announced in a haughty voice, “This man couldn’t be related to me! He is just barely coated in dust, but that is more than filthy enough to disqualify any relation!”
“Come on, you must admit we look exactly the same! Here, look in this mirror!” Mr. Unclean dug into his pocket like a Mary Poppin bag. With a flourish of dust, he pulled out a hand mirror that looked to be made of diamond. The effect was instantaneous.
“GASPING!” Mr. Clean gasped, “That is the very mirror that the man who was a mirror image of me used to steal away my beloved Juniper Montage!”
(*)(*())(*()(*()(*(*()(*()()()(*()(*(*()()
Juniper Montage stood before him, her legs long and beautiful, and her smile like a crisp gala apple. There was a rose-colored filter over the scene and rose petals rained upon them from the sky.
“Juniper, my love! We have been going out for quite some time now and I have an important ques⎼
*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*
Mr. Clean’s flashback was interrupted by Mr. Unclean saying, “No need for all that! I was there!”
Mr. Clean saw that Mr. Unclean's logic was as solid as it was dusty. He pointed a finger at Mr. Unclean and laughed, trying to make himself seem like he found a flaw in Mr. Unclean's logic. He suddenly started to sweat profusely, for no counterargument could even be made.
"My, my… a hollow dispenser holds no content in which to clean, for he is empty. My dispenser, however, is filled with dirty contents," Mr. Unclean said.
"Not only are you unclean," Mr. Clean stated, "but your words are also seethed in uncleanliness. That dispenser talk sounded pretty gross." Mr. Clean shrugged and turned his back on him, “Besides, that still doesn’t prove you are my brother. All it proves is that you stole my first lover from me…”
“I have one last thing that may convince you,” Mr. Unclean said with a sinister grin on his face. “You’ve never ever told anyone your full name… Isn’t that right… Adeveam Clean?”
A spark sparked in Mr. Clean’s brain. That spark was a vague memory that was buried away deep within the recesses of his supply closet. Memories of his home planet surrounded the confines of his very spotless mind. Adam Clean, his father, and Eve Clean, his mother, were almost magically erased from his chain of memories. That means that his adoptive human parents lied to him when they told him he was born a 20-year-old man! He was actually 21 when he was born!!!!!!
“Wait a second,” Aria spoke up, “Your name is Adeveam Clean? As in Adam and Eve? You do realize a middle name is supposed to be in the middle of your full name, not in the middle of your first name?”
“Shut up!” Mr. Clean snapped. “My parents were dyselxic!” Mr. Clean looked directly at you, the reader, willing you to recognize the brilliant reference in what he had just said.
“Ad-eve-am Clean,” Sonata said aloud. “That’s a weird name. When you read it, it might look like Ad-e-veam, but that would be wrong.”
“Thanks for clearing that up, but what does that have to do with anything?” Aria asked.
“I mean, if someone were to be reading our experiences in story format, it would be confusing to them."
"Makes sense, in a weird way…"
Before anyone else could say anything, Mr. Unclean pulled out a worn-out Electrostatic Long Duster and pointed the end of it at Mr. Clean's neck. Mr. Clean froze in place and stared dagger-shaped Magic Erasers at his enemy. This fight was going to get serious, and Mr. Clean was well aware that any misstep would lead to death.
"What are you going to do, brother?" the unclean man asked. "Are you just all talk? Show me your fighting prowess, and teach me that you aren't just a man of one skill: the skill to make lewd commercials!"
"I never once said anything about fighting," Mr. Clean retorted. "But if it's a fight you want," he stated while pulling out his Magic Reach, "then it's a fight you'll get!"
“So you don’t deny making lewd commercials then?” Mr. Unclean chortled in an antagonizing manner.
“There is nothing lewd about the passion of cleaning!” Mr. Clean shot back.
They lunged at each other, their cleaning tools clashing in midair with a shockwave that would make an anime character’s jaw drop. Aria and Sonata were sent hurling through the air by the shockwave, crashing through three walls in the apartment complex.
“Maybe we should take this outside. There is not enough room to fully display my potential in this small room,” Mr. Clean suggested, still locking blades with his evil twin younger brother.
“Agreed,” Mr. Unclean agreed, farting then using his free hand to waft it at his opponent.
"Agh! That scent is of mild inconvenience. If I were a normal person, this may have distracted me from this fight entirely," Mr. Clean said angrily.
“Blast!” Mr. Unclean said. “For that was my plan all along!”
Mr. Clean held his nose and Mr. Unclean turned on a television that was in the room. He placed a speck of dirt between the screen and the glass and ran out of the room. Mr. Clean wanted to give chase, but this television needed to be cleaned.
He doused a magic eraser in multi-purpose cleaner and scrubbed the screen until his hands bruised. However, he could not get the speck off. This gave Mr. Clean a sense of anguish he had never felt before. Nothing was able to counter his cleaning supplies before now. “That mother scrubber!” Mr. Clean growled, “He will pay for this transgression on human rights!”
Short of dismantling the television entirely, there was no way to get at the speck. So instead, he punched a hole in it with his bare fist right where the speck was. “Alas, the TV would be worthless to watch after that anyway.”
Mr. Clean ran towards the same direction that Mr. Unclean headed. After a minute of searching every room, he decided it was best to check outside. He walked onto the parking lot, as empty as it was, and looked around to no avail. "He has to be here somewhere. I can feel it in my tubes," Mr. Clean said aloud to himself.
He walked around the apartments, stumbling upon a courtyard where Mr. Unclean stood with both hands behind his back. “おれはおちんちんが大好きなんだよ。” Mr. Unclean muttered with an evil smile strewn across his face like it was drawn on by a five-year-old.
“How many times do I have to tell you…” Mr. Clean said. “I DON’T SPEAK ARABIC!!!!” He flew across the lawn like a wingless turkey. His arms were still attached though. In fact, he grasped his Reach and swung it at Mr. Unclean like an ant, if an ant was this big. |----|
Mr. Unclean snickered at the pitiful swing. Mr. Clean took note of this and adjusted his swing to this big: |-----|.
Mr. Unclean gasped. “INHALE! I had not precipitated the force of thy blow. However, you do not want to swing it my way. I have a little prize in my possession."
Mr. Unclean dug in his pocket again and pulled out an unconscious Sonata by her arm. Mr. Clean froze in his stance like a frozen TV that had a hole in it. Mr. Unclean let out a terrible laugh that was unkempt due to the dust he was coughing up. "So, Adeveam, what say you join me? Together, we can cleanse this world of its cleanliness!"
"Don't you dare call me by that name! I will defeat you," Mr. Clean shouted. "I swear on my love for cleaning!"
Mr. Clean bulked up his muscles so much the shape of his veins showed. A blue aura surrounded him and his sunglasses shone a bright white. He moved at an unseeable speed. Mr. Unclean could not see his movements. However, one thing gave Mr. Clean's movements away: wherever he moved, a clean trail on the ground appeared.
With a swift movement, Mr. Unclean swung his free arm and grabbed at what seemed like air, but what he ended up grasping was Mr. Clean's bald head. With a fierce grip, Mr. Unclean squeezed his squeaky smooth noggin.
"Such slow movements. I was almost afraid, but your technique is slow," Mr. Unclean laughed maniacally. "I expected my older twin to have more experience, but while you made those lewd commercials, I trained every day with my cleaning products!"
"D-did you say cleaning products? Not uncleaning products?" Mr. Clean questioned.
"Well, I was once a Mr. Clean like you, brother, but I was tainted. However, it matters not! I will never go back!"
Mr. Unclean threw Mr. Clean against a tree in the courtyard. He looked at the knocked down Mr. Clean and spat on him. He stated, "Brother, you will soon accept my offer for uncleanliness. Until you do, I will knock you down where you stand."
Mr. Clean struggled to push himself off the ground. He pulled out his magic eraser and wiped off the spit. He looked over at his unclean brother and stated, "Fine. I believe you. I accept you as my brother. However, our relations will only be a word until you drop Sonata right this second."
Mr. Unclean, while facing away, dropped Sonata to the ground. He also pointed in the direction of some bushes that hid an unconscious Aria. Mr. Clean took both of them in each arm and looked at Mr. Unclean, who was currently walking away.
"We will meet again, brother. I swear it. But, you will need to be ready for next time," Mr. Unclean said with a malicious smile on his face.
Mr. Clean waited until his brother was gone, and placed Aria and Sonata on the ground, cleanly. He thought to himself about his true past. A past that he left behind him in the pursuit of his passion: selling his products.
[÷]÷[÷]÷[÷]÷[÷]÷[÷]
A trillion milliseconds ago in the dark Magic Reaches of Space, there was a pure white planet called Cleantahn. The only reason science has never discovered it here on Earth, is because it is so bright, they mistook it for a sun. The Cleantahnians were a proud race of bald muscular people that never aged.
In the city of Bubbleville, there was a lovely couple named Adam and Eve Clean. They had a twenty-one year old son named Adeveam, that they had together for thirteen years. This was a particularly clean day and they walked down the chrome-colored street towards a towering facility that looked like an immaculate tall building. It was in actuality a tall immaculate building.
“What are we doing here, Eve?” Mr. Clean asked his mother.
She blinded him by smiling and replied in a man-like voice, “My sweet honeycrisp offspring of my genitals, your father and I have come here to pick up our pre-ordered child.”
Mr. Clean jumped up and down in excitement. “Aghast! You are making me a brother or sister?!”
“That’s right,” Adam Clean nodded, the sunlight reflecting off his head sending beams of solar energy launching into the horizon with loud explosions. “You will be an older twin brother!”
They walked into the tall immaculate building that wasn’t an immaculate tall building and went to the reception desk. Eve Clean smashed a Hulk-sized fist on the counter and said in a voice like smooth moves, “It has been nine months. I am ready for my child.”
The lady behind the reception desk smiled with a clean mustache on her face. “But you must be Eve in yourself. Please, follow me.” They smiled and followed her like a parade of sparkly tanks.
They were led through what seemed like an immaculate tall building. They spent what felt like hours on end walking through many floors. Turns out the receptionist was taking them up and down on the various elevators as if to fill in all the floors before reaching the actual floor, which was the second floor.
They went into the room that they were meant to be in, which was inside a tall immaculate building. There were rows upon rows of white pods, housing human forms submerged in cleaning fluid. Mr. Clean peeked inside one of the small windows. There was a bald muscle-bound person in there, but it clearly wasn’t done developing because its legs were wispy and small. It looked like a centaur that was a human torso on frog legs.
“Mother Eve,” Mr. Clean said, “Why are they naked?”
His mother punched him in the nose. “You are too young to understand.”
"Here we are,” said the receptionist. Apparently her name was Nurse Receptionist. “Specimen No. 666666665555555090909. This… is your son.”
“Huh,” Adam Clean said, “His number sounds like a very obscure reference to pop culture in some way.”
“Mother, how are babies made?” Mr. Clean asked.
“You see,” Eve stated, “Originally the process was very unclean, requiring probing and sticky substances. We as Cleantahnians have evolved to the point where we can reproduce using DNA from both parents and cultivating it in a special blend of cleaning materials for nine months.”
“Oh,” Mr. Clean stated, “A classmate of mine named Bruce said that a mother and a father become naked and have sweaty sex.”
“You’re grounded,” Adam snapped at his bald man-son. Mr. Clean frowned, looked to one side and a single clean tear rolled down his cheek. Left or right cheek? Yes.
The Clean family all looked at the nearly-complete man floating in the vat of cleaning product and smiled. Adam placed his hand against the glass and cried silently in a manly way. Eve Clean hugged her ripped husband with her own ripped arms and cried an almost manly cry. Mr. Clean was upset that he was grounded and let out a manly cry of sadness.
"My son," Adam started. "You will be a great and clean man once you are fully developed. Eve. Adeveam. We will be a family of four someday very soon. Our legacy is to be the best of the Cleantahnians. Therefore, our jeans must be spread to the far reaches of Cleantahn. Our genes too. That will be easier with more offspring. And if, for some highly unlikely reason, disaster strikes our beloved home planet, we will shoot our sons off into space in small escape pods ill-suited for space travel and hope against the extremely unlikely odds that they miraculously land on not only a distant planet, but a habitable one. The odds of that are extremely slim, but it is good to have a backup plan for preserving our sanitary bloodline.”
Two Years Later
The television in the Clean family’s living room was showing a very clean cartoon while Mr. Clean and his younger twin watched with their eyes, which they used to see things with sometimes. Suddenly, without warning, the cartoon was interrupted with an emergency broadcast.
The reporter was a buff woman wearing a clean white dress. She spoke in a girly voice, “Breaking News: We have just received confirmation that a highly unlikely disaster is about to strike our beloved planet. A meteor roughly the size of a nickel is hurling at Cleantahn at the alarming speed of ten lightyears per second. That is only slightly faster than the speed of you screwing up your chances of getting with your crush when you finally build up the confidence to talk to them. Judging by our calculations, the hit will almost instantly decimate all life on the planet. We have approximately sixty nine minutes to do something about it. So, yeah, I’m going to the bar now to drink bleach. Bye.”
Mr. Clean cried. His brother, Mr. Clean, screamed. His parents charged into the room through the window even though they were on the thirty-first story of a highrise penthouse. Both parents tackled their sons and injected them with a mixture of sleep sedatives and multipurpose cleaner.
Adam smiled and said, “You’re going to space, cowboys!”
Eve cried tears of Windex that was actually a knockoff brand that was adopted into the Mr. Clean family of products after Mr. Clean actually went on to make the brand Mr. Clean. They pulled out a pod out of nowhere and pointed at the cockpit as it opened.
“Alright. Get in,” Eve commanded.
The boys jammed in like Mr. Clean jammed his fist into Juniper in the first story. It was like fitting two houses in a small piece of pvc pipe. But no, they actually fit just fine. It was three times bigger inside than it was outside. Kinda like a house in an RPG. Or the Tardis. In a way, it was a Re:Tardis.
When they were cozy in the midst like two ginormous peas in a pod, Adam walked up to them with a serious expression on his serious face, seriously. He pulled out a treasure chest and opened it. Inside was a single silver key. He then pulled out another chest, and unlocked it with the key. Inside that was a golden key. He swallowed it then shat out a bottle of the purest substance known to Cleantahn.
“Behold!” Mr. Father Adam Clean announced in a voice like two hippos singing karaoke, “This artifact is thousands upon millions upon quadrillions upon tens of generations old. Add like a googol zeroes to that. That is older than your mom. Even though she is only 2000 months old."
Eve Clean slapped Adam like a bitch, technically bitch-slapping her husband. Mr. Cleans simply ignored what happened between their parents because the action was unclean behavior.
Adam smiled, his cheek redder than your mom’s period. “Please keep this safer than your pants protect your scroti.” I suppose the end of the world turns the jokes in clean fanfictions dirty. “It is an irreplaceable artifact of indescribable value. The power it contains would allow one to clean the entire universe in a matter of minutes. We call it…. the Liquid Muscle.”
“But Dadther,” Mr. Clean said, “Why didn’t we use it before?”
Eve stepped in to answer, “There must be a balance between clean and dirty. As much as it pains our kind, without dirty there can exist no clean. I mean, imagine cleaning all of outer space. The void would be pure white. How boring our universe would be if there was nothing of difference. Nothing to clean.”
“I understand, mother who birthed me,” Mr. Clean said.
“Now, you best get your clean hides outta here and get to safety,” Adam urged, slamming the cockpit shut.
The pod set an automatic course for “Anywhere but Here”. With a mighty Swoom!, the pod took off directly through the roof, crashing through several floors before emerging into the dazzling light of Cleantahn. They left a bubbly jetstream in their wake as they burst through the atmosphere of their beloved home.
Mr. Clean let out a tear as he stared at the planet he once called home. It was all but a distant memory now, five seconds later. His younger brother put a clammy hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m sure they’ll make it through this just fi-”
Suddenly, a small pebble whizzed past and the entire planet exploded before their eyes. The pod was sent spiralling into space faster than you can say Jimmy Johns. If sound could travel through space, they would be deaf. Luckily for them, salmon is a fish. More on that later.
They died.
On the inside.
'Cause they could.
END OF MEMORY TRANSMISSION
As Mr. Clean awoke from his reverie, it was nighttime in the apartment complex. Aria and Sonata were still out cold. It had been two days since all of them encountered Mr. Unclean. Mr. Clean looked down at the unconscious Sonata, whose fair skin was similar to that of Juniper.
Suddenly, Sonata woke up and wiped the sleep from her eyes. She looked up at Mr. Clean who, while with his sunglasses on, looked quite surprised and happy that she had awoken. Aria lied on the ground and moaned in pain, thus catching the attention of her sister.
"Aria," Sonata shouted, worryingly. "Are you alright?"
Mr. Clean said naught but a single word, "Let me see."
The bald, clean man took off his sunglasses and revealed his true eyes for a moment. In his vision was something related to that of heat vision, except it was clean vision. A red mass covered the center of Aria’s torso, leaving Mr. Clean speechless.
"What's wrong with her?" Sonata demanded.
Mr. Clean answered back in a depressed tone while putting his sunglasses back on, "She has been tainted by the purest form of uncleanliness. To a Cleantahnian like me, this stuff just turns you to the side of uncleanliness. However, if your kind is infected, it will work as a virus that attacks your heart. This won't turn her into a Nobody, so no chance of her getting a new one. Which means she probably has naught but a few days to live."
“No! There must be a way to save her!” Sonata exclaimed loudly in a whisper.
"I currently have no idea how to fix her," said Mr. Clean stated. (Authotorial Notice: The grammar unintentionally intentional. The end.)
Sonata winced.
Mr. Clean flung Aria over his shoulder and the three headed to Mr. Clean's clean house, which lies on the outskirts of Canterlot. The house and every bit of furniture, even the water was a snow white color. Sonata questioned the sink water with utmost disdain.
"How come everything is so… shiny,” questioned a concerned Sonata.
"I do what I want, you sexy salamander," Mr. Clean screeched. "And your sister will be fine here. The outside of this building is laced with the most protective cleaning powders and liquids."
Mr. Clean placed Aria in a vat of cleaning liquid he had conveniently in his room. A switch was then pulled, completely freezing the liquid and Aria inside. Sonata looked at her sister, who was now frozen in the chamber, and tears flowed out, like me when my wife left and took my homie away.
Mr. Clean placed a bully hand on Sonata's shoulder and said, "Do not worry, my little dyslexic aardvark. *wink wink* I placed her in there to slow down the virus. Now, I must change clothes."
Mr. Clean stripped down all of his clothes and opened his closet. Sonata watched as he flipped through the same, like, 80 shirts. He seemed to be struggling, because he eventually sat down and broke into tears. Sonata sat down next to him to comfort him and asked why he was suddenly feeling down.
"I CAN'T FIND A SHIRT I WANT TO WEAR," he screamed like a wild banshee. "THEY ALL LOOK SO GREAT!"
"How about I choose one for you,” Sonata asked.
Mr. Clean nodded. Sonata went into the closet and shut the door. After a few moments of moving around, she came out in the most luxurious lingerie.
"Whoa! This arc isn't supposed to have NSFW content. Put some clothes on,” Mr. Clean shouted. He walked over to the closet and grabbed one of his shirts and put it on Sonata. He grabbed another one and turned around. Sonata felt something heavy slap her upside the head as he turned.
Once they were both properly dressed, they said their goodbyes to Aria and headed out on their search for Mr. Unclean. As soon as they set foot outside the house, Mr. Unclean stood there with a grimacing look.
"What?” Mr. Clean asked. "I thought the journey to facing you would have been much more of a chore for us!"
"Well, guess what,” Mr. Unclean asked.
"What?"
"You were wrong!"
"Aghast! He's right!"
"However, I have come to a decision, brother!"
"What would that be?"
"I have a predisposition for you. I have found that I miss being clean. There is but one artifact that could help me, brother. And something more, it could even save THAT girl," Mr. Unclean said in a persuasive manner, like a spork being two utensils at once.
"Hmm. Sounds like a trick. However, for the sake of plot convenience, I shall hear you out!"
"Brother, the artifact of which you and I both seek is none other than-"
Suddenly, an unclean Juniper walked in on the scene and stood next to Mr. Unclean. Mr. Clean looked at her with despair in his eyes. He could still feel the 'magic' they shared. Too bad for her, it was 'erased' from her memory.
"Hold on, Adeveam! I wish to undo my uncleanliness from her as well. The artifact we will need for this is none other than the legendary Liquid Muscle. Then, and only then, will we be able to stop this unclean catastrophe."
“Oui mon frere,” Mr. Clean nodded to agree. “I do believe that we may be able to assist each other, provided you maintain at least six feet social distancing from my beautiful cleanliness.”
There was a sudden explosion in the sound barrier as Mr. Unclean blasted an unholy fart across the land. BRRRAAAAAAPP!! "I've been holding that in for ages," Mr. Unclean sighed, "But now that we are on amicable terms, I feel the need to be so tense dissipate."
Sonata fell unconscious. Mr. Clean frowned in dismay. "You foul beast. This will be an arduous journey if you insist on being a sweaty toad. And your farts need to keep their social distance as well!"
Suddenly, a bellowing sound reverberated through the atmosphere like an eagle’s scream. PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBPPPPTTTST!! The forlorn airborne rectal torpedo was of a holy variety, cancelling out Mr. Unclean's prior anal emissions. "Ahh. I see our camaraderie has allowed my bowels to settle down as well."
Mr. Unclean held himself together and opened his disgustingly grease-filled gobhole and spoke words of urgency, “We must make our journey to the world’s most important place for everyday needs.”
Everyone paused. Mr. Unclean had been expecting a barrage of questions, but now he just felt stupid. Instead of telling them, he just motioned them to follow.
With only a fraction of a milisecond’s hesitation, Mr. Clean followed his dusty brother. Juniper looked down at Sonata and said, “Um, aren’t you people forgetting something?”
“No,” said Mr. Unclean.
Mr. Clean was wounded by Mr. Unclean’s immediate betrayal. “She is one of our number! We must take her along!”
“Then you carry her,” Mr. Unclean replied with filthy indifference. He proceeded to walk ahead.
Mr. Clean shrugged.
The brothers started to walk on ahead, leaving Sonata and Unclean Juniper behind, to Juniper’s disdain. She harrumphed before grabbing Sonata by the collar of her shirt and dragged her from behind during the journey.
They trekked down the road, making their way toward the distant wooded foothills. Their journey had, thus far, been made in silence before Sonata suddenly awoke. “OUCH!!!” she shrieked, “You dragged me over a sharp rock!”
“Wait, how long have you been awake?” Juniper asked, panting and sweating like a sweaty person.
Sonata balked… “Um… about forty minutes…”
“I hate you,” Juniper muttered.
“Girls, please!” Mr. Clean interjected. “This is no time to be grumpy hooligans. We are friends, like soap and water! We must not cause a rift between ourselves, for we are equals!”
Juniper frowned and dropped Sonata on the ground. Sonata’s head hit the sharp rock and she passed out again. “Fluff me,” Juniper stomped in rage.
“EGAD! SUCH INAPPROPRIATE WORDING! Such phrasing could poison the minds of the young and/or innocent!” Mr. Clean reprimanded.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
They had arrived at their destination. About a mile from the apartments they had just left, they stood before the glass and iron gates to a fortress containing many of the world's most sought after items. Mr. Clean’s jaw dropped in amazement. His eyes had never seen such majesty. A single drop of some kind of liquid left his right nipple and slid up his cheek into his eyeball.
They walked into Walgreens with a manly aura engulfing them. It was an ancient domain bestowed upon humanity by the gods, who bestow things upon humanity. Here was the long sacred battleground where clean and unclean clash, where armies fall and rise, where heroes are born and darkness within darkness rise to combat it, where I went to get a flu shot once and got the flu twice because of it.
The two muscle-bound Chads menacingly approached the counter where an old lady, about the same age as the first jellyfish flipped through a magazine from 2002. She took about six minutes to look up at the two men. "What? You'll have to speak up! I can't see too well," she yelled in a gravelly voice like she was gargling razorblades.
"My fair young saltine crust from the sky's ocean, might I inquire as to the location of your cleaning products?" Mr. Clean spoke like a true bald man.
She blinked a few times, her eyelids completely out of sync with each other. Ten minutes passed and she said, "Aisle fifty-six."
Mr. Unclean slapped his bicep and asked the lady, "How long have you disgraced this planet with your presence? Your egregious slowness implies a tremendously advanced age."
Mr. Clean gasped, "Brother! How rude of you! However, out of morbidly clean curiosity, I do wish to know the answer myself."
"Weeeeell," the lady croaked, the bags under the bags under her eyes seemed to sag. "I remember retiring around the time that big ol flaming rock fell out of the sky and killed off all them big lizards… I also saw Jesus graduate around the time I decided to become a teacher. I only recently dropped the teacher gig and was hired here."
"Recent being last century?" Mr. Unclean asked.
"Two centuries ago actually," she corrected.
"Well we must be off. We have wasted enough time," Mr. Clean said.
Just then, Juniper Montage came through the sliding doors, dragging a still-KO'ed Sonata behind her. "This girl is heavier than the weight of my depression," she announced, dropping Sonata's head right onto the tile floor. Mr. Clean’s non-existent hairs stood on end when his queen spoke such blasphemously unclean words.
“We need to hurry and get what we came here for,” Mr. Clean urged. “I can’t stand to see such uncleanliness from the one I once, and still, love.”
Mr. Unclean inhaled so hard, the air around the Walgreens seemed to disappear, leaving them in a place devoid of oxygen. Suddenly, Mr. Unclean bellowed a single word that shook the very existence of everyone there.
“SIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMP!” Mr. Unclean shouted as air began to flow in the building once again. Mr. Clean felt like Mr. Unclean was right. Wait, was it alright to feel like his enemy-now-friend was right? Mr. Clean was confused.
Mr. Clean shook his smooth head, “Nevermind that. Let us continue.”
They entered up, down, left, right, circle, triangle, start and selected aisle fifty-six from the chapter select menu. When they appeared in the aisle, they were met with a disturbing sight.
Out of nowhere, a pig jumped out of a random shelf of beans in front of them. Mr. Clean shrieked like a high school girl during frog-dissection class. “AAAAH!!! A pig jumped out of the random shelf beans right in front of us and I shrieked like a high school girl during frog-dissection class!!!!”
“Bienvenidos, travelers!” the pig oinked, “I am Sus Le Cerdo!”
Mr. Clean trembled at the filthy beast. “Wh-what do you want from us?” Mr. Clean stuttered.
“Quiero poner a prueba tu determinación. Estoy aqui para pelear,” Sus responded.
“What is this Swedish nonsense!?” Mr. Clean yelled.
Sus pulled out a short butter knife, “We fight to the death!”
Mr. Unclean chuckled, cracking his ugandan knuckles. “This will be easy!”
“No! No estoy aqui para ti! I am here for Señor Limpio!”
“Whomst?” Mr. Unclean queried questioningly.
“The bald one,” Sus snoinked. He looked over to Mr. Clean and said, “Te convertiré en basura y comeré tu carne!”
“Although I do not speak Swahili, I accept your challenge!” Mr. Clean retorted.
Sus held his butterknife high in the air and then pointed it towards our bald hero. Mr. Clean pulled out his 10-inch squeegee as a reaction. Sus rolled a d20 to see if he could hit Mr. Clean, but he rolled a 3 so he missed and tripped onto his face.
“Huzzah! How do you like me now, pig!” Mr. Clean laughed.
“Mis sentimientos!” the pig squealed. “I admit you are stronger than I am! I will admit defeat! I will now return to mi familia.” Sus Le Cerdo was tractor beamed into a small ufo near the ceiling of the Walgreens and it flew through the roof and away into the day’s night.
“I am so confused right now,” Juniper deadpanned, “I’m stealing a rootbeer.” She opened a fridge that was nearby and took the carbonated soft drink and opened the bottle. She took a swig and put it back in the fridge. “I hope whoever drinks that gets Covid.”
Mr. Clean gasped.
Before he could say anything, Mr. Clean was grabbed by his brother to keep moving forward. Mr. Clean was upset by the fact that the one he loved more than anything would stoop to giving people bat aids.
“You are right, brother,” Mr. Clean said, cleanly, “We must push onward to save my Juniper.”
“I didn’t say anything,” Mr. Unclean said.
Mr. Clean leveled a gaze with Mr. Unclean. “However, what you don’t say and what you do say are irrelevant. We have found what we are looking for.”
“You’re scaring me,” Mr. Unclean frowned. “My brain hurts.”
“Think not with your brain. Think with your cleaning supplies! They will lead you to your true destination!”
“Did someone drug him or something?” Juniper asked.
“Quiet my sweet military muffin of Afghanistan. I am channeling my inner scrubbers! They are leading me…” He thrust his pelvis forward violently, “THIS WAY!”
The Liquid Muscle sat there in front of them, displayed in a case made of the most expensive, most rare aluminum foil wrap. The aluminum was slightly tattered and not a very good way of preserving the container. A huge wad of chewing gum was stuck on the top of the Liquid Muscle to keep those unworthy of touching it, and to keep those who were disgusted by it, away.
“EEEW!” Mr. Clean announced. “Well, it seems to me that it is destined to remain sealed forevermore. It is time to devise a new course of action!”
Mr. Unclean grabbed the bottle and pulled the gum off the lid and put it in his mouth. He started chewing on it. However, the sound of crunching could be heard as if it was made of concrete. Mr. Clean gagged but did not throw up, as that would be unclean.
“Can I have some?” Juniper asked and walked up to kiss Mr. Unclean, stealing his sweet and crispity, crunchity treat. “Mmmmm, tastes like the mysterious rainbow parking lot water.”
After that, Mr Clean gave a disappointed look at his brother and his lover.
Mr. Unclean looked at Mr. Clean and a shocked expression washed over his unkempt face. “So, you have figured out my master plan,” he stated.
“What?” questioned, Mr. Clean.
“I guess I couldn’t have kept it hidden away from you, brother. You were always the kind to snoop and figure things out so meticulously.”
“Okay?”
“All along, I thought I kept my tracks hidden, but I guess you can’t hide what is unclean with what is also unclean.”
“Uhhh…”
“Yet you managed to unravel the mystery surrounding my actions.”
“Yeeeeah… I suppose so…”
“ON THE CONTRARY! There is so much more you have not figured out!”
Mr. Clean suddenly realized he was losing ground. Whatever his brother was trying to not reveal but incidentally revealing was slipping away. “You’re wrong! I even managed to figure THAT out, too!”
“IMPOSSIBLE!!!” Mr. Unclean fell to the ground, defeated. “How did you know that was my plan?!”
“Oh, you know me,” Mr. Clean twirled his hair on his finger.
“I have underestimated you,” Mr. Unclean sighed, staggering shakily to his feet. “The secret I have fought so desperately to hide is now out in the open.”
“It-it is… Isn’t it?”
“So my master plan is thwarted! Damn you!”
“DARN YOU BACK!” Mr. Clean retorted, but cleaner.
“What in God’s green Earth are you two talking about?” Juniper asked, getting impatient. “This lazy sack of wet mice isn’t getting any lighter.”
“Sack of what?” Mr. Clean cringed, before realizing she was referring to Sonata, who has blue hair. Just thought you should know, since I don’t think we mentioned it.
“We are referring to the fact that my brother has just discovered that I was planning all along to take the Liquid Muscle for my own and use it to destroy him and take over the entire world and create a new Cleantahn,” he informed Juniper casually.
“YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT NOW?” Mr. Clean was appalled. “I thought you were maybe going to admit that you were adopted or something!”
“Well, it seems the hypothetical cat is out of the hypothetical bag,” Mr. Unclean shrugged. “Regardless, it is too late now!”
He proceeded to lift the cleaning product up, but Mr. Clean stopped him. “STOP! You cannot use this product without first purchasing it!”
Mr. Unclean paused. “Oh, right.”
They trekked all the way to the counter and placed the liquid muscle in front of the old lady. She slowly looked up verrrrrrry slowly from her magazine, then blinked at each of them for about nine minutes each. “How can I help you?” she asked.
“We would like to purchase this fine piece of merchandise,” Mr. Unclean said.
The old lady stared for five minutes before inhaling, “Oh, hold on. Let me get my glasses. I can’t smell the labels from this far away.”
She shuffled away. She shuffled her feet like an inch at a time, pausing to catch her breath after each and every agonizing step. Snails could do donuts around her faster than she was moving. She was so slow, it made watching paint dry seem like a fast-paced sport. She made watching hair grow entertaining. It was taking longer than a fruit fly’s lifespan for this lady to move six feet. She was moving so freaking slowly, I wanted to die. But that feeling passed like six days ago.
“Oh, here they are!” she turned around and started shuffling back. “Now to get back to the register. OW MY HIP!” She fell to the ground and died.
Mr. Clean and Mr. Unclean looked at each other in disappointment, thick grey beards adorning their once-clean chins. Mr. Clean shrugged, “Well we already ate all the Doritos at the register waiting for her to move about ten feet, we may as well leave with it.”
“You’re just now thinking of this?” a wrinkled Juniper asked.
“Yes,” Mr. Clean responded.
“Okay,” Juniper replied.
As they walked out of the store, they passed a wrinkly old lady looking about as old as the one who just died. She was walking at an amoeba’s pace. She looked up at the two men chiseled out of marble and waved kindly to the both of them.
“I’m here to take my sister’s shift. Looks like I’m gonna be pulling a nonuple shift,” the old lady said. “DAMN IT! MY ANKLE!”
The lady fell down and died. Before they could meet any more old women and waste more time in this story, they walked back over to Mr. Clean’s house and stood in the driveway. The two hulking brothers stood in the same position they were in at the Walgreens and continued their duel.
“Brother… no... Mr. Unclean… you must stop this madness!” Mr. Clean shouted. He held his 10 inch squeegee firmly in his hands.
Mr. Unclean reached into… somewhere behind him… and produced his mighty cobweb duster. "You think mere words will stop me?" Mr. Unclean harrumphed.
"It would make my life a lot easier, otouto-san," Mr. Clean responded calmly.
"You vile Beanie-weenie!" Mr Unclean shouted in anger. "You dare take that tone with me?! Do you forget who you are talking to? With the power of the Liquid Muscle on my side, I will destroy everything you live for! This world will be made new! True cleanliness can only exist by first becoming dirty!" Mr. Unclean held up the bottle of Liquid Muscle to the heavens of the sky's heavenly sky.
Suddenly, Juniper, who had just shown up dragging Sonata behind her still, intervened. "Mr. Unclean, wait!"
She tugged on his lifted arm and a single drop spilled from the top of the bottle. The single drop dripped like a glowing drip of golden holy water. It splashed into her eyeball, which stung a little, but suddenly the light covering of dust that coated her started to melt away… along with her clothing. She glowed like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cotton cloud candy.
"Egad! So lewd! Here, wear this!" Mr. Clean removed his plain white tee and draped it over his fair maiden.
"Mr. Clean… I remember!" Juniper ran to Mr. Clean. "The unclean fog has lifted and no longer has control over my mind! I long to be cleaned!"
"How wonderful it is to hear those words wash over my ear holes once more. But first, there are other matters to amend to," Mr. Clean hugged his sweet cherry blossom bosom-buddy, then turned to face his enemy-turned-ally-turned-enemy.
Mr. Unclean twisted the Liquid Muscle’s cap back on and placed it in his back pocket. Once again, he pointed his slightly dirty cobweb duster towards Mr. Clean. When he did this, a magical aura surrounded the duster and shot a single drop of red wine on Mr. Clean’s pants. Mr. Clean used his squeegee to try and clean the drop off, but to no avail. Mr. Clean said something he thought he would never say.
“I never thought I would ever say this, but I’m starting to have an unclean thought about you right about now,” Mr. Clean shouted. Mr. Unclean was caught off guard, but quickly smirked.
“Yes, brother!” Mr. Unclean laughed, maliciously. “I had hoped you would see things my way.”
Mr. Clean gripped his mighty squeegee and didn’t think twice before walking towards Mr. Unclean who was also closing the distance between them.
“You dirtface… BROTHER!” Mr. Clean boomed.
“Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?” Mr. Unclean answered.
“I can't beat the stains out of you without getting closer.”
“Oh ho! Then come as close as you like.”
Mr. Clean swung his squeegee at his brother once they closed in on each other, but Mr. Unclean retaliated with perfect speed and accuracy. Mr. Clean was surprised a little by this, but his determination did not waver. They exchanged blows like this for a while before halting for a moment.
“Hmm. Your power is strong, brother!” Mr. Clean stated, gleefully. His face turned from excited to arrogant, quickly. “However, even without the Liquid Muscle to aid me, I still have more strength than you!”
Mr. Unclean spat on Mr. Clean’s left shoe, distracting his brother long enough to smack him in the face with the cobweb duster. For a moment, the brothers paused before continuing their exchange of blows.
While they were fighting, their weapons showering sparks across the deserted street in the setting sunlight, Juniper watched in awe. Beside her, Sonata yawned and stretched. “That was a nice nap… Though my head is killing me…”
“Juniper?” Sonata asked, when the girl didn’t respond.
“Do you love him?” Juniper asked Sonata in a quiet voice.
Sonata stood up slowly, a little wobbly since she’d been unconscious nearly the entire day.
“That’s a complicated question,” Sonata said, scratching her chin. “I like him, but if you really must know, we only just met and I haven’t decided my feelings on him yet. He’s… brash.”
“Such an honest response… I can respect that,” Juniper turned to face Sonata now. “To be honest myself, I loved him from the moment I met him. We met after my Uncle hired him as a security guard for his film studio. The first time I saw him, he had taken off his shirt and was posing in front of a glass prop he had polished. I had yelled at him, ‘Hey, that’s inappropriate behavior! There is a lady present.’ He had told me, ‘I see no lady here. Merely a dazzling woman.’ I guess it was only natural I’d develop a crush on him. When he asked me to film that commercial with him, I was more than happy to accept, despite my reservations. I only wish that Mr. Unclean had never poisoned my mind. He used that magic mirror to do it. But deep in my heart, I always loved Mr. Clean.”
Sonata paused. “That’s amazing. I never thought I’d see true love in my lifetime.” She walked over and put a hand on Juniper’s shoulder. “If he means that much to you, then I think you should be with him.” A singular tear fell down her cheek, betraying Sonata’s inner anguish. “But if he needs more girls in his commercials, have him hit Aria and me up!” She burst into tears so hard the tears exploded.
Gusts of wind blew past Sonata and Juniper, knocking them down. They, once again, watched the two go at it. Mr. Clean tried to take the bottle of Liquid Muscle with his muscled shirtlessness, but his still-shirted brother had the advantage of slapping his hand and telling him “No”.
Mr. Clean counterattacked by reflecting the sunset light off his forehead right at Mr. Unclean’s unclean eyes. The sheer gleam of the attack melted straight through the right eyepiece of Mr. Unclean’s sunglasses. “Ouch. My retina. That is painful indeed,” he responded without flinching or halting his attacks.
Mr. Clean realized then and there that his attempts were nothing more than child’s play to his brother. Out of nowhere, Mr. Unclean clenched his cobweb duster tightly, causing a fuschia-colored aura to envelope him and a green one on his weapon. He swung so fast, nobody could see the blinding speed at which it traveled. Mr. Clean was in shock. He was glad that it didn't hit him from where he was standing.
“Well, brother, I’m surprised you didn’t come near me and just swing from ten feet away from me,” Mr. Clean said, confused. However, before Mr. Clean could do anything, a line of green aura seemed to slowly crawl across his chest. A cut quickly formed where the green aura was before disappearing. “That… really is something…”
Mr. Clean collapsed, the effect of the wound causing him to feel a pain he had never felt before. “This is… not happening…” He felt dirty.
“NO!” Juniper cried out. She ran over to his collapsed form. “I am not losing you again! Mr. Clean! Who else will I have ice cream with?!” His whole body suddenly seemed to glow a magnificent white color. But he wasn’t dying like that wuss Xion. Who? Ugh. Nevermind. No, he was being engulfed by Juniper’s love. It soaked into his muscles, and into the wound on his chest. The wound instantly faded. His glasses fell off his eyes as he stood once more. His eyes were glowing fiery blue. “Juniper, you have revealed to me the most powerful cleaning ingredient of all. LOVE!” He lifted his squeegee skyward and summoned the cleanest molecules from the air around them, charging up a blast. “BEHOLD THE POWER OF CLEANLINESS!!!!!!”
Striking forward, a bubbly blue beam of bewildering bombasity blasted the bald boy before him. “NO! This cannot be!,” Mr. Unclean shouted, the beam tearing at him. “I need more power! I need… more… hearts…” Suddenly.
Then, as suddenly as it began, the beam stopped. Mr. Unclean stood there, charred by the cleanliness. Mr. Unclean shakily raised his cobweb duster. It was now so brilliantly spotless, the bristles reflected his face.
“How do you still stand?” Mr. Clean demanded.
“Because I have the same power you have… Or have you forgotten? I am the mirror of you.”
“What in the twelve oceans do you mean?”
“Well, you have Juniper… Therefore, I must have someone in my corner as well.” Mr Unclean glared at Mr. Clean.
The bald clean muscle-man turned suddenly to find someone he did not recognize holding Juniper hostage. Sonata was unconscious… again. The mystery girl had pink and lavender hair and was wearing black, tattered robes. “Mr. Unclean,” the girl spoke aloud quietly, but loud enough to be loud. “It would seem I did not have to wait for you for as long as I thought. That streak you left upon my cheek has taken me over. I am yours once more.”
“On the contrary!” Mr. Unclean bellowed. “I am glad to have you back! Together, we shall recreate Cleantahn in our image!”
“What’s Cleantahn?” Sunny asked.
“NO MATTER!” Mr. Unclean interjected. “We have distracted our foes. Let us end this!”
“A distraction?” Mr. Clean gasped, “WHERE?!”
Mr. Unclean shrugged and pulled the bottle of Liquid Muscle out of his left knee pocket. “Cheers.” He lifted it to his nose and snorffed it up his sinuses. As Mr. Clean turned black… I mean back… to face his brother, what he saw sent chills down his spine.
“What the f*&$?” Mr. Clean asked me to say for him, since he doesn’t use curse words.
“Thanks, Narrator,” Mr. Clean said. I told him ‘you’re welcome’.
Mr. Clean saw as his brother’s body became not at all different from what it started out as. The bald man took a step forward and held his squeegee out.
“You cannot stop me now, child,” Mr. Unclean’s voice echoed strangely as his aura faded to black. Dark clouds began to swirl overhead as the last of the sun’s light dipped below the horizon. He rose into the air, wings made of dust carrying him aloft.
“I must!” Mr. Clean leapt upward, preparing another glowing slash, but Mr. Unclean knocked him aside like the leftover crust from pizza being discarded off a paper plate.
“I AM YOUR GOD NOW! BRING ME YOUR VIRGINS!” Mr. Unclean shouted. Sunny gave him a stern glare. “Oh… uh, NEVER MIND. I AM IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.” Dark lightning pulsed around him as he continued to ascend.
Mr. Clean realized what was happening, and he proceeded to rush up to Juniper, pulling her out of Sunny’s grasp. With what little power he had left, he dashed towards Sonata and ran into his house. While the terrorizing screams of Mr. Unclean boomed outside, Mr. Clean held the two girls in one arm and opened the door to his basement.
After minutes of searching, he found the keypad he needed in order to unlock the secret entrance to his Clean Cave. In the Clean Cave, he walked up to and sat down in front of his Windows XP computer and started to put in some commands. A few minutes later, a pod slowly dropped down containing the frozen Aria.
“My little ponies. You will be safe here,” Mr. Clean muttered solemnly.
He chucked them ladies in the safety chute and locked the door. “I have a date with destiny.”
From the other side of the door, Juniper said, “Who the hell is this Destiny hoe?”
“Destiny is not a woman. I meant fate.”
“THERE’S A FATE NOW, TOO?”
“Listen, I have very few vocabulary for this kind of a sentence. Please let me face my duty!”
“Gross!”
“DAMMIT WOMAN!” Mr. Clean shook his head and ran up the stairs twenty-three steps at a time.
Outside was a swirling vortex of unclean matter, which was basically what a normal tornado was anyway. The bald man saw that Mr. Unclean was floating high in the sky, dark lightning shooting from his body. Sunny Flare smirked from just outside the doorway of Mr. Clean’s house. “You have already failed. You may as well leave now.”
“He is my brother, madam,” Mr. Clean stated cleanly. “I cannot leave him to die either.”
“Is that so?” Sunny walked up to him and put her high-heeled foot on his shoulder. “Then what will you try to save him?”
Mr. Clean, pushed her leg away. “I will give him my power… To protect him.” He jumped into the tornado, letting the wind carry him up, up, and away. He deployed his Magic Eraser wings and ascended to the ball of darkness that was brother, “Are you alive in there?”
“Living is… paaaaaaain…” Mr. Unclean feebly croaked.
“Get over it, you dirty camel. Didn’t Momther teach you better than that?”
“She did indeed,” Mr. Unclean nodded.
“Then I will lend you my power,” Mr. Clean nodded, taking his brother’s hands.
“Thank you, Adeveam…”
Mr. Clean let a clean tear flow down his cheek. “Of course, Lindsey.”
Light surrounded them, blinded the heavens with their clean light.
Sunny gazed up into the swirling destruction. “Well I’ll be damned. There really is no clean like Mr. Clean.”
Then, just like that…
...the world ended that day.
But clean? Clean never changes.
