Celestia's Big Booty Problem
Author's Note
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Rockin' Everywhere
It was a typical day in Ponyville. And just like any other typical day, the schoolhouse was filled with the many voices of excited fillies and colts ready to learn. Well, maybe that’s hyperbole. But they were excited by today’s special guest speaker!
Since Celestia’s retirement, she has been on a tour around Equestria, giving inspirational talks to the children, inspiring faith in Princess Twilight, telling the children to follow their dreams, and other sappy crap. She sat outside the schoolhouse patiently, with her ear pressed against the wall. Perhaps it was unbecoming of a Princess to eavesdrop on children, but their banter was usually pretty entertaining.
What she didn’t anticipate was the minds of growing children. Amidst the many voices, a few colts managed to be easier to pick out than the others in the crowd.
“I heard her butt was so big, that you could put a whole cake -- plate and all, on top of it,” said a somewhat dopey male voice.
She pulled away in mild shock. Being objectified by the guards and various stallions on the street wasn’t anything new to her. That came with the territory of being a public figure. On some days, she even relished the idea that those stallions wanted something they could never have. But these growing colts? It felt… Icky.
She pressed her ear back in sick fascination.
“No, no, no. Her booty is so big that if you sliced it with a knife, it’s actually MADE of cake,” a raspier colt voice said.
“You guys are being stupid,” a more familar voice said. Wasn’t this Scootaloo? “I’ve actually MET Celestia. You guys are holding her to an absolutely unrealistic standard.”
“Good filly, Scootaloo,” Celestia muttered under breath.
“Besides,” Scootaloo continued. “Her thighs are so strong that she could crack my head open between them. In a sexy way.”
The door to the classroom opened suddenly and Celestia pulled away, pretending to act like she was being completely normal.
“I think we’re all set!” Cheerilee said in her practiced overenthusiastic tone.
“Oh! Well, alright then!” Celestia responded, rising to her hooves.
‘Maybe this actually isn’t so bad,’ Celestia thought to herself. ‘After all, how many mares my age can say they’re still being ogled. You know what? I’ll strut my stuff. Just a little bit. What’s the worst that could happen?’
Celestia placed one hoof in front of the other as if she were modeling a new, elegant gown or trying to sway a political figure with her ‘blessed feminine attributes’. She cast a sly eye at each of the colts in the room just to be safe. Some of them would probably have some weird dreams tonight, but hey, that’s all aspects of growing up. Right? Yeah. She wouldn’t overthink this extremely weird course of action and neither should you.
Then, she turned and faced the class.
“Good Morning, everypony,” she said.
“Good Morning, Princess Celestia,” they all said in a monotone, rehearsed response.
Celestia smiled, moving her eyes from face to face, when her ear perked. She faintly heard a whisper at the back of the class. A small blue colt was whispering to a taller, slender yellow colt.
“Honestly, I don’t see what the fuss is about,” he said disappointedly.
“WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GET A DIRTY MAGAZINE THEN!” she screamed at the student.
The class leaned back in shock, their eyes the size of pinpricks.
“So, uhm.” Celestia cleared her throat. “Today we’re going to talk about the power of believing in yourself.”
Celestia walked through the streets of Ponyville with a pit in her stomach. Not necessarily because she screamed at a student that they should go get a dirty magazine. It was sort of that. But the feeling deep inside was a bit more… vain.
“Am I really losing my touch?” she muttered to herself. “I don’t really look that bad, do I?”
Celestia suddenly had a torrential hailfire of limes showered on her.
See -- At that moment, one of the most unfortunate souls in Equestria managed to literally trip and fall into the story. Anon was walking by, holding objectively way too many limes, and he couldn’t contain them all. While Celestia was doubting her appearance, he lost control and toss them all over her.
“Oh shit!” Anon gasped. “Celestia. I. Uh. I can explain. See I had this dare with Rainbow, and--”
“No worries,” Celestia said, mildly irritated. With a light of her horn, a paper bag suddenly appeared, and gathered the limes in an instant. She placed the bag gently in Anon’s hands. “It’s been a long time, Anonymous. How have you been?”
“Me? Uh. Well. Aside from hitting on the moms of all of Twilight and her friends? Things are pretty good. There’s this bump on my back I think I should get checked, but-”
“Wait,” Celestia interjected. “What was that last thing?”
“About the bump? I mean. I don’t think it’s a tumor or anything. Maybe just a really bad ingrown hair? I tried to squeeze it but man it just really fuckin hurt.”
“No,” Celestia said, holding up a hoof and repressing the urge to retch. “Anon, do you like older mares?”
Anon stared at Celestia, then down to his bag of limes. He set down the bag and stepped forward.
“You can step on me wherever you want.”
“Okay,” Celestia said. “Maybe a bit too much information. But maybe you can help me.”
“Yes, my queen.”
Celestia took two steps back.
“Okay, first. Stop. Don’t be weird.”
Anon sighed, seeming dejected.
“Fine, okay.”
Celestia sighed in relief.
“Okay. Anonymous, I need to know if my butt looks big.”
Anon opened his mouth, raised a finger, then immediately closed his mouth. He took a step back and covered his crotch with his hands.
“Okay, last time Rarity asked me this, I was in pain for weeks. So-”
“No! This isn’t a trick question! I’m serious. I wanna know if I still got it. You know what I mean?”
“OH!” Anon said. “WELL! IN THAT CASE! YES! Your booty makes the world go round.”
Celestia smiled and blushed faintly.
“Well, thanks Anon. I appreciate your honesty.”
“In fact,” Anon continued. “I have a critical disease and your booty is my life support.”
“Uhm.”
“Your ass is looking so tight that I couldn’t fit a 5 pence through it.”
Celestia blinked in shock. Some of the ponies on the street turned to watch the exceptionally strange scene in front of them.
“That’s like a dime for you filthy Americans.”
“Oh no, I get it,” Celestia said, turning around. “I don’t really need anything else Ano-”
“Your BOOTY is the EARTH and it MAKES MY GIRTH QUAKE!” Anon callrf, grabbing his limes and chasing after her.
“Okay that’s ENOUGH!”
Celestia lit her horn, and with a bright flash of light and a loud crack, Anon disappeared, leaving just a bag of limes on the ground. She exhaleed in relief and looked around to the ponies muttering to each other.
“What? It’s not like I sent him to the moon. A mare can defend herself from strange stallions in self defense.”
She nodded and trotted along, the faintest smile on her lips.
I still got it.
With a flash of light, the only human in Equestria suddenly found himself in a bathtub. Before he could even take in his surroundings, he heard the flush of the toilet.
“Hey Anon,” Spike said.
Anon turned to look at the baby dragon, who leapt off the toilet.
“Hey Spike.”
“Who’d you tick off this time?”
“Celestia.”
“Oh yeah, been there. On the bright side, there are worse places she could have sent you.”
Anon stood up and began to dust himself off.
“Honestly? I think I would have rather gone to the moon.”
And such ends another day of Anon wanting to be mooned by Celestia.
