Trixie's Coming Home

by str8aura

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Profanity, Random, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Mayor Mare, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3192

I got unbanned from r/mylittlepony and all I got was this story

WARNING: THIS STORY HAS BEEN DEEMED AN OLD SHAME. IT DOES NOT REFLECT THE AUTHOR'S CURRENT WORK, AND IN FACT SUCKS ASS. FOR PRESERVATION PURPOSES IT WILL REMAIN.

Trixie returns to Ponyville. This isn't a satire of anything, I promise.

I was informed by a good friend that posting this in the normal writing prompts thursday slot was not a good idea. So, for my own sake, I'm biding my time. For that reason, this will only be funny to like, five people, but I had to post this SOMEWHERE.

Picture by softshy on tumblr, if you want me to remove it for permission reasons, let me know.

Published 2021-09-02 23:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-02 23:00:00 UTC

Oh lord she's been gone for so long

Mayor Mare smiled as she stepped from her carriage, straightening her one-piece uniform and approaching the front gates of city hall. Renowned city planner Wildfire parted the doors as she drew near, chirping a hello as she passed into the grandly furnished main hall.

Inside, birds chirped the sweet songs of bureaucracy, and cherubs fiddled as Wildfire roamed behind the beloved Mayor. Everyone inside wore a happy smile on their face, and as the ambient music crescendo'd, they all closed their eyes in bliss, tilted their heads to the ceilings, and sang a song magically whispered into their ears;

Politics in Ponyville shimmer!

Politics in Ponyville shine!

Soul and brevity are trite!

All papers filed in spite!

With our banners and our hammers raised high!

We'd sell our children for a dime!

Charge for silence from a mime!

And we make sure we're meta on time!

Mayor Mare loved the sounds of typing, rustling, and crying lasting late into the night that came with running a town, but most of all she loved the town itself. As she crossed into her office, she couldn't help but trot past all of her secretaries and desks and beeline straight for the floor to ceiling windows she always sat in front of to fondly watch over her little ponies.

She gazed out the windows at her beautiful town and all of the happy ponies who lived within it. Her leadership over the course of years had helped bring it to the pinnacle of peace and prosperity it was in today, and while it may be small and humble, she was nothing if not proud of it. See the simple child on his merry way to their well-funded and expertly staffed schoolhouse. See the gentle elder living out his golden years taking walks to his favorite library. See the magician in the purple cape flashing an entire crowd of children and elders with her glistening-

Mayor Mare spit her coffee into the glass window, face contorting as she realized who stood just outside. A secretary quickly rushed over to wipe it clean, and her mayoral flank too for good measure.

"Who is that?" Mare sputtered.

The secretary peered outside, heart falling as she recognized the girl on sight. "Err... I-It would appear to be Trixie Vylet Lulamoon, ma'am."

Mare threw her mug at the floor. In a single stroke her secretary swiped to pick it up, then cowered as the mayor reared on her, growling through sealed teeth.

"The Quick And Banally Juvenile Absolute Banishment decree was supposed to have taken care of her years ago. Why is that gelding in my town?"

"I... don't know." The secretary whispered. "Maybe...She's committing a crime? Or worse... there was a filing problem?"

Mayor Mare snorted. "There's never a filing problem. The last Ponyville elite who misfiled in my town hall was taken care of. By doctors. After I poisoned his tea. And paid off the doctors to bankrupt him onto the streets. We don't make filing problems."

The secretary swallowed, but still didn't relent. "It really wouldn't take long just to check... you know, for humor's sake?"

Mayor glanced over at her Macintosh computer lying in the heap of files scattered on her desk. Wordlessly, she seated herself, booted it up, and began sifting through the files scattered on her desktop.

"Ponyville records.... Decrees... Banishments... Z to A... Twist... Trixie Vylet Lulamoon. Banished exactly one year ago with the creation of a special decree, made specifically for the purpose of kicking her out... Complete restraining order from town limits, and a fine of 100 bits..." She wiped a tear away proudly. "Ah, there's no cost like horse cost. But I don't see a problem. My staff is full of Pony Files, and I made especially sure this one was in order before I approved it."

"And... the Registry of Vital Records has never seen fit to amend it in any way since?" The secretary asked meekly.

Mare squinted across her desk. "What do you know that I don't, Miss...?"

"Secretary, ma'am, and... well, we do so try not to make you angry, but... You may have said some things in the past that we've taken as..."

Mayor rested her hooves on her desk, bringing them together below her chin and pointing a stare like a bullet directly between the secretary's eyes. "And what might I have said before, exactly?"

"Good news, Mayor Mare!" Pinkie Pie chipperly spoke without looking up from her typing.

Mare cast a look back at her intern, long sought after for her inate knack to know where every file and every pony was at all times, a skill the Mayor considered greatly helpful. Plus, an Element on payroll was good business. Unfortunately, her paperwork skill was lacking. "What would that be, dear?"

She read monotonously; "Our town's current population is 9,999. The Equestrian Hierarchy of Settlements declares a 'town' to be defined as any settlement with a population higher than 10,000, meaning we're legally not a town, and have no bearing in regional votings."

Mare swore under her breath. "Do me a favor and find someone mentioned in our files who isn't a legal citizen. Legalize them real quick, call it a day."

"Okie Dokie, Mayor!"

Pinkie would later be fired for incompetence and smelling bad two days later.

"At the very least the amendment was... filed correctly, into the community tab, right?" Her secretary haplessly offered.

Mayor waved a hoof aside impatiently. "No matter. Children have been born since then. It was a temporary solution, and we no longer need them. Get my chariot, my bodyguards, and my backup dancers ready."

She turned to face the window and the pony following behind Trixie. "I think it's time I had a face to face with the elusive Lulamoon."

Trixie whistled as she repainted over splintered wooden insides of a gaping bite taken out of the corner of her beloved wagon, matching the purple and gold accented paint job over the rest of it. Her ear tilted outward as a cautious voice met her.

"I... can't seem to find our Manticore, Trixie. You may be used to him, but I doubt the rest of this town is." Starlight called as she trotted up the hill.

"Fret not, Starlight. He's well trained, and I used to come here a lot more frequently. I can say from experience that they're used to monster attacks." Trixie called back, wiping a spot of saliva off from the wagon wound with her coat.

"I'm not surprised." Starlight admitted. "I'm new here myself, and I've got to say I did not expect this many... eccentricities. I went to a flower shop the other day and they just wouldn't stop screaming. The owners, not the flowers."

Trixie dropped her brush back into the bucket, puffing herself up in pride at seeing the unsightly dent transformed into an unsightly dent with a pretty color. "You get used to it, believe me. Stick by my great and powerful side, and I may yet guide you through the strange and precarious perils of living in this town, or my name isn't-"

"YOU!"

"No, it's... It's Trixie." Trixie looked around for the source of the yell curiously, until a nudge from her assistant drew her attention to a troupe of ponies marching up the hill towards her. She swallowed. "Uh, but if anyone asks, it's actually... Uh... Hexie. No, Styxie."

Starlight sighed, downtroddenly trudging to the fast approaching convoy. "No, no, I'm sure it's for m-"

They rushed past her, stopping right before Trixie, and an aging woman with a faded cream colored pelt shoved her way to the front, jabbing at Trixie. "Consider this your official summons to Ponyville Court."

"What? When?" Trixie sputtered, recalling a vague memory of the mare in front of her.

"Now." The Mayor stomped twice in rapid succession, and chairs and desks were carried over the heads of the rest of her group as they began to rush around, setting them down in rows on either side of the wagon.

"Two steps to the right; there, drop it right there. Thank you, Wildfire."

The judge's desk was dropped in the middle of a grassy patch. Mare climbed to her perch atop it, settling her spectacles again as her entourage began taking various seats around her and Trixie, still standing between rows of chairs with a panicked slack jaw.

Gavels banged. "Court is in session. All rise for the return of Trixie Vylet Lulamoon to our beloved town. Welcome, Lulamoon, Now please leave."

Gavels banged. "Court is adjourned."

Secretaries and council members who had been seated stood up and began packing, chatting in delight about the efficiency of their judicial system.

"Wait!" All eyes turned to the remaining unsided mare. Starlight's eyes darted between strangers as she breathed unsurely. "What's this all about?"

The Mayor lowered her glasses. "We're evicting Trixie."

"She's homeless!"

Gavels banged. Two councilponies bucked at the wagon simultaneously, and it rolled down the hill. Starlight's horn moved fast, and it was levitated back up and carefully set down in it's original place. "You can't just decide to do that! What has she done?"

Mare smacked her lips thoughtfully as she combed through papers. "Ah... Charges include corruption of the youth... Vandalism... Fraternization with criminals... Indecent exposure... Fraud... Do I go on?"

"Mayor, please, at least allow us a chance at a fair trial. I'll defend her, I- I mean, I don't have a law degree, but that doesn't seem to have stopped anyone else here- but I just made a friend. Please just give us a few minutes to consult." Starlight begged, taking Trixie's hoof protectively.

The Mayor sighed, raising her spectacles and signalling to the unsure council ponies. "I have thirty minutes before I have to sort through our town's suggestion box, as I do every Thursday. You have five minutes to consult." She nods dutifully. "And fifteen minutes to convince me I'm wrong."

Starlight returned the steely stare. "Thank you, Madam Mayor."

"BANISHED?"

Trixie shrugged as she reclined against her wagon's hammock. "It's better than the moon."

Starlight paced the two steps between the hammock and the front door, floor creaking dangerously. "What were you doing in town at all, then?"

Trixie clucked her tongue, rocking herself back and forth. "I was made aware by a certain mailmare my time had been served. I thought it would be a fun occasion to make my return, throw a big coming back party, reattend the slam poetry competitions I used to love-"

"Trixie, this is serious. What did you do?"

"Each time, or just the ones on my permanent record?"

"Both!"

"Well, they're bound to be blown wildly out of context..." Trixie admitted disdainfully. "Best I remember, I was just engaging with the community."

"Trixie. Trixie, look at me." Starlight jostled her back to the present from her brief bout of recollection. "I just met you, I can't lose you again."

Trixie's mouth fell an inch, oddly moved. "Trixie... admits, she's surprised she's wanted."

"I can help you out of this." Starlight began. "But we don't have much time. You need to tell me everything."

Mayor Mare cleared her throat and began the proceedings as soon as Trixie and Starlight exited the wagon and took their places among the bored councilponies.

"Tri... My mouth is becoming sore from saying her name so many times. She was banished nearly one year ago to the day, on several accounts of corrupting the youth, blocking flow of trade by way of massive glass bubble, vandalism, and unbecoming behavior. Her sentence was fair, her trial was short, and her forehead was huge. While, admittedly, the rare mistake may be made, today's most recent amendment to the Quick And Banally Juvenile Absolute Banishment decree has sealed her leave to permanent prohibition of being within 500 feet of town limits. Court is once again in session. The entire session will be stricken for the record for reason of nobody having any need to care past today. I fully intend to forget today's events as soon as possible. Who is representing Lulamoon?"

"Starlight Glimmer, your honor. Protege to the Princess of Friendship, former mayor of Our Town." Starlight dutifully informed

"You're not on record as a former mayor."

"Not to this town, to Our Town."

"I understand completely, and see no reason to continue this line of conversation. Moving on." Mayor shuffled her papers. "How do you know the defendant?"

"I... Met her in the spa this afternoon. She seemed like an alright person."

"And what, pray tell, was she doing in the spa?"

All eyes turned to Trixie, and she glared at the stand. "I've been trapped there for the past year."

A murmur went around. "Why is that?" Mayor Mare asked.

"As of the store owner rift of 1109, the Spa of Poniville and the neighboring Poniville Lounge, both spelled with an I to avoid legal troubles, are considered an independent nation as far as I've been made aware. Before today's amendment, Trixie was simply told she could not be within town boundaries. As the decree went into place before she could finish her great and powerful escape, she was forced to take refuge within the sanctuary of the spa and lounge. She could not leave the spa for 12 months straight. Her fur is so silky smooth."

There was a moment of silence as these implications sunk in.

"Wildfire, put Annexing Poniville Spa through peaceful military force on my schedule. Thank you. Now, for the actual charges. While very few charges can be proven on her first visit, besides the suggested fraternization with two characters who's existence cannot and should not be proven, her second visit is rife with criminal offenses."

"Trixie was wearing a cursed amulet!" Trixie snapped. "Surely a legal clause exists for that!"

"After a number of previous time related incidents, Ponyville Council has decided to no longer pardon magical related incidents. As a result, your crimes are back on record." Mayor Mare declared.

"Madam Mayor, we have less than fifteen minutes. Please, explain her crimes if you would."

"Certainly, now that our records have been restored."

Trixie approached a small child drawing with a stick in the sand, gently sitting down next to them and speaking with an air of encouraging surprise.

"Did you draw that?"

The kid beamed and nodded happily.

"Wow! It sucks!"

"Au contraire!" Trixie spoke up.

Trixie approached a small child drawing with a stick in the sand, gently sitting down next to them and speaking with an air of encouraging surprise.

"Did you draw that?"

The kid beamed and nodded happily.

"Wow! It possesses a sense of childlike wonder and stylistic subpar simplicity, but I must say parts of it could use work. The shading and linework in particular need development; have you considered investing in a sensitivity based drawing tablet?"

"Wow The Great And Powerful Trixie, you're so right and so smart! I am blessed by your presence!"

Mayor narrowed her eyes. "Very well then. How about-"

A shady looking stallion in a trenchcoat approached Trixie from a dark alley.

"Hey, you. Looking to buy some... Illegally recreational pain pills?"

"Yes please!" Trixie replied. "I am an establishment hating horse who enjoys anarchy and destroying the good will in my soul by speaking to nair-do-wells who wish this beautiful town harm!"

"If I remember correctly..." Trixie began.

A shady looking stallion in a trenchcoat approached Trixie from a dark alley.

"Hey, you. Looking to buy some... Illegally recreational pain pills?"

"No thank you, plebian."

The Mayor snorted. "Well, then-"

Trixie repeatedly prodded at the wing of an exasperated Fluttershy with a long stick.

"Please stop."

"Trixie is not touching you!"

"I don't like you doing that."

"Trixie is evil! This is the true power of the Alicorn Amulet!"

Trixie shook her head with a coy smile. "That's definitely not what happened.

Trixie approached Fluttershy, like a hero or whatever, and dipped her low into a passionate kiss, filling the air with swan song and the love to fill ten thousand moons-

"Trixie!" Starlight cried, to the magician's sheepish shrug.

Mayor Mare sighed, checking the time. "We're fast running out of time. I'm sorry, Starlight, I can respect a friend helping a friend, but the friend in question shows no signs of changing his way-"

"Changing her ways." Trixie corrected.

"Of changing her ways anytime soon. The council has no reason to consider her changed at all. With that being said, the decision will be made-"

"Please, we have a few more minutes. Let..." Starlight glanced back at her friend, before readying herself with a deep breath and facing the stand again. "Let me talk for her.

"Trixie talks a big game, I can tell she does. She likes to brag and feel on top of the world and act like she doesn't care about anyone else, but she does. Maybe these attributes were worse one year ago, but I know her now. For like, a day, but still. I know her as someone who genuinely cares, who would never let an inflated ego in the way of love and compassion, and who knows when to bite their tongue, if given the instruction to. I don't expect her to be forgiven. But I expect the pony-like ideal of reformation to be considered, just one last time, and for her to be treated as one of our own. Can't we relent that much to someone who, even after this many crimes, has still made a friend?"

Starlight approached Trixie and delicately laid a hoof over her own. Trixie slowly grew a smile, leaning in to hug her friend before the stand as the weight of her words took their toll.

Mayor rested her chin on the stand, half asleep. "You are so mindnumbingly, throat dryingly boring, it's painful."

Starlight bit her tongue. "I mean... I also work for the princess, so-"

"Damn it!" Mare threw her papers aside in annoyance. "Does she have to add fifteen members to her personal friendship harem every month? Does she not realize how piss-poor it makes us look when we're lower on the legal hierarchy than the girl who once put a love spell on the entire town? I'm not convinced she still isn't doing it, Celestia damn it!" She propped a hindleg on her stand and waved her gavel at Starlight with wild abandon. "Is Trixie with her?"

Starlight swallowed. "That... was the plan?"

"Well, now I can't do anything, can I? Next time you see her, do me a favor and tell her to sit on the highest spire of her zoning-law breaking castle and lapdance!"

Both sighed in relief as court was upended and moved around them, each councilmember chatting in delight about the efficiency of their judicial system.

Starlight released Trixie from their hug, grinning madly. "So, I guess we're free for your big return show. You got anything planned?"

"Yep! I'm gonna go kick a kid!"