The Deorphanizer (Twilight Helps the Cutie Mark Crusaders)

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Snap Shutter, Sex, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1479

Twilight's new invention helps Scootaloo and Apple Bloom with their family lives. It works exactly as designed...if not as expected.

Twilight's new invention helps Scootaloo and Apple Bloom with their family lives. It works exactly as designed...if not as expected.

I thank Brumby_Run and Tipper for prereading. :rainbowkiss:
Also, special thanks to both of them for taking the trouble to put in well over a decade studying Commonwealth dialects, to be better prepared to help with this sort of thing. :twilightsmile:

(Any problems remaining in the story are, of course, my fault.) :twilightsmile:

Published 2021-09-05 16:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-05 16:40:00 UTC

Test Run

Three ponies and a little dragon stood in a graveyard outside Ponyville.

A pegasus filly asked, "So what's your big secret? And why do we have to be in a graveyard for you to show us?"

The unicorn genius Twilight Sparkle smiled. "Oh, we don't HAVE to be in a graveyard. But sometimes it's convenient."

"Convenient?!" said the earth filly beside her. "Ah don't think Ah WANT to be a test subject."

"Now, now," Twilight said, patting the earth pony filly on the head. "Think about it, Apple Bloom. Don't you want to save your parents?"

"Nopony can save my parents. They've been dead for years."

"And that," Twilight said with enthusiasm, "is exactly why I invented the Deorphanizer!" She held up a suspicious-looking raygun thing.

The pegasus eyed the device skeptically. "What is this thing supposed to do?"

"It's a very special time machine! It analyzes you and your origins, reaches back in time to the moment just before your parents made whatever terrible decision that resulted in their deaths, and it yoinks them forwards in time to us!"

Apple Bloom snorted. "So why are we in a GRAVEYARD?"

Twilight admitted, "Earlier versions of my invention...sometimes didn't reach back quite far enough, and retrieved versions of the target's parents that had already died some time ago. And attempted to restore them to health by comparing them with backup...I mean, with earlier versions. The results were less than perfect."

"So...you mean zombies." Apple Bloom snorted. "Again."

"They WEREN'T ZOMBIES!" Twilight shouted. "There's NO SUCH THING AS ZOMBIES!"

Scootaloo, the pegasus filly, sighed. "Darn it. Zombies are cool. I love hitting them with the shovel again and again until they fall apart, and making them go 'splat!'" She bit her lower lip. "Well, I don't think I'd like if they were my parents." She shook her head. "And burying them IS a lot of work."

She smiled at Twilight. "Is that why you brought Apple Bloom along? She's really good at digging. Much better than I am."

Twilight pointed the raygun towards the two fillies. "Who wants to go first?" she asked.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other.

"What do YOU think?" Apple Bloom asked Scootaloo.

"I WOULD really like to have parents again." Scootaloo nodded decisively. "I'll go first."

"Stand back," Twilight warned the other creatures. "This might need some extra room."

After everycreature backed farther away from Scootaloo, Twilight pointed her raygun and pulled the trigger.

In a flash of light, an earth pony and a pegasus appeared.

"Crikey!" shouted a stallion wearing an Australian-style bush hat. "I reckon maybe it IS venomous."

At the same moment, the pegasus mare hovering overhead shouted, "Grab it by the tail! For as long as you tickle its tail, it can't bite you!"

The two new arrivals looked around. "Where the bloody hell are we?" the earth stallion asked.

From her higher vantage point, the pegasus surveyed the landscape. "We're right outside Ponyville. We're home."

Twilight explained, "You two were about to make a terrible mistake. So I reached back in time to rescue you."

"Is that how we got here?" the stallion asked. "You used a time machine? When IS this?"

Twilight told him.

The pegasus screamed. "We're years late paying the mortgage! But maybe there's still time. I don't want our little Scootaloo to be homeless!" She streaked through the air towards Ponyville. The stallion galloped beneath her, trying to keep up.

Scootaloo tried to run after them. But a minute later, she returned. "I couldn't catch up with them." She sighed. "I should have brought my scooter."

Twilight said cheerfully, "There'll be time to talk to your long-lost parents when we go back to town. First, let's help Apple Bloom!"

Apple Bloom eyed the raygun. "Ah guess it works. And Ah DO miss my parents. Ah mean, mostly Applejack and Big Mac and Granny Smith can remember them a lot better than Ah can. But Ah guess Ah miss them too? And the rest of mah family miss mah parents SO much." She sniffled. "You CAN bring 'em back, raht?"

"Of course I can!" Twilight aimed her raygun and fired. A moment later, a yellowish stallion and a peach-colored mare appeared.

"Look out!" the mare shouted. "That isn't firewood! That's a timberwolf's tail!"

"Whuh?" the stallion said. "Oh," his eyes crossed as he tried to look at the branch in his mouth. "Ah guess it IS a timberwolf's tail. Or it WAS. Now it's amputated." He dropped the piece of lumber. "Much obliged for savin' us. If it was you as did that, which is mah first guess." He held out a forehoof.

Twilight set down her invention, to bump hooves with him and the mare. "You two must be Bright Mac and Pear Butter. I am so happy to meet you. I've heard so much about you from Applejack and Big Mac. And from Granny Smith, too."

"I should warn you," Twilight added, "this is the future. Pulling you out of the past was a necessary consequence of saving you. So for you, it's several years later than it was a few minutes ago. I'm sorry if that's a problem."

The mare looked at the other ponies, and at the graveyard. She read the dates on a recent tombstone. "Time travel. Not what I expected."

Twilight asked, "What did you expect?"

The mare chuckled. "It's better than being eaten by timberwolves, which is what I THOUGHT was going to happen to us next."

She looked around the graveyard again, and at the earth pony filly. "You look almost like our Applejack, but not quite. Are you Apple Bloom?"

"Yes," Apple Bloom said. She ran towards her parents, and tried to hug both of them at once.

Pear Butter returned the hug, while Bright threw one foreleg around the two, and ruffled the filly's mane.

Pear said, "I always wondered what Applejack and Big Mac would be like when they grew up. I guess this is our chance to find out." She tilted her head at Apple Bloom and Bright Mac. "Let's go." She and her husband walked towards town, their tails touching each other. They let Apple Bloom climb on Bright's back, and ride along. The filly tried to tell them everything that had happened in the last several years.

With a sad look on his face, Spike watched them go.

"What's wrong, Spike?" Twilight asked. "We've just reunited two families. Isn't it wonderful?"

The little dragon sniffled. "It's great. It really is. But it makes me wonder what MY parents were like. What happened to them. Why I was left all alone." He wiped a tear from his eye. "Can't we use that thing on ME?"

Twilight pursed her lips. "But we aren't sure if you're an orphan."

"So what if I'm NOT an orphan. What will it do?"

Twilight grimaced. "It SHOULDN'T do anything? But I don't want to take that chance."

Scootaloo picked up the raygun. "We should try it on Spike. Otherwise it isn't fair." She pointed it at the little dragon.

"No!" Twilight shouted. "ME and MY parents are his family! We adopted him fair and square!" She wrestled for the device.

A ray struck Twilight right in the chest. She fell down, stunned for a moment.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Princess Celestia's backside sticking right in her face. Beside the princess, the unicorns Night Light and Twilight Velvet held cans of whipped cream, a riding crop, and an inflated balloon. Partway across the graveyard, Pinkie Pie ran towards the other ponies. She wore a big smile, and an even bigger strap-on.

"Wait," Celestia said. "Are you SURE so much nitrous oxide is safe to use all at once, indoors? Or do you think the blowtorch might ignite it, and cause an explosion?"

"What." Twilight said.

Celestia turned around. She smiled at Twilight. "Hello, my dear Twilight. What a pleasant surprise!" She looked around at the incongruous scene. "I only wonder which of us should try to explain first."

Author's Note

(Chemistry Among Ponies)

In our world's chemistry, nitrous oxide does not exactly 'burn' under normal atmospheric conditions. However, nitrous oxide is used as an oxidizer in some rocket engines, and nitrous can increase the power of some other chemical reactions, such as the rapid combustion of a fuel-air mixture within an automobile engine.

Under high pressure, or in the presence of special catalysts, even a relatively small input of heat energy can cause nitrous oxide to decompose exothermically into nitrogen and oxygen. The reaction can become catastrophically rapid and explosive.

This is to say, in the presence of enough nitrous oxide, you should be careful to employ proper safety techniques whenever using a blowtorch to ignite a royal equine's ventral exhaust gases (pony princess farts) or for any other purpose.
:twilightsmile: