Pet for Debt

by ksen

Rating: mature
Tags: Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6
Length: 38591

A man hounded by debt and failure is given a chance to wipe the slate clean in exchange for one simple little task, one that will have him asking himself how low he is willing to stoop for a second chance.

Dirk Elrod: dreamer, entrepreneur, and all-around impoverished failure. A man once so full of ideas now living in a run-down apartment on borrowed time and money. When his chaotic amalgamation of a landlord drops by with a way out of his conundrum, Dirk is understandably very interested. When he learns what he must do to earn his blank slate, however, he is faced with a decision: his basic human dignity or financial freedom.

Then again, nothing is more dangerous, or more chaotic, than a man with nothing to lose.

Can Dirk set aside his fears and shame to play his assigned role in a brand new world, or will the pressure break him?

No matter what, one thing is certain: Discord will certainly be getting his money's worth.

Just a fun little story I had to write when I accidentally had a flash of inspiration (Really sorry about that BTW). Feedback is welcome, I don't think I will be getting an editor for this, but I have confidence in my ability to produce a pretty good first-pass. If anyone finds obvious mistakes feel free to message me or leave a comment.

Rated mature because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna want to get spicy. This won't be a clop-fic though, there might be some instances of sexuality, and nudity is pretty much a given but, like, I won't be writing full-blown sex scenes.

If anyone finds a good cover art lemme know, I'm not like super driven to scrub the web for something that fits the bill.

Special thanks to:

FanOfMostEverything for catching a smoothbrain moment I had.

Published 2021-10-04 13:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-11-15 00:07:02 UTC

An offer he couldn't refuse

Dirk Elrod was a man with a plan. He’d known since high school that the nose-to-the-grindstone workforce wasn’t for him, no he was meant for something better. He was an entrepreneur, destined to grow his fortune from nothing, become a household name and live in comfort until he was old and wrinkly, then die quietly in his sleep surrounded by his loving family and legacy.

How, then, did it come to this?

It was a question he’d been asking himself for the last ten years.

He sat on the edge of his slowly collapsing couch looking at the pile of mail on the coffee table with his head in his hands. He’d only opened two pieces, but those two pieces were enough. Everything after them was moot.

He stood up and walked over to the small kitchen in his run-down studio and opened the fridge. An old bottle of ketchup he still kept by telling himself that ketchup didn’t really go bad, a jar of ~~pickles~~ pickle, a gallon of water, one egg, and four slices of individually wrapped cheese. Opening the narrow pantry next to it revealed a bag with three slices of economy bread and the eight packages of instant noodles he’d so shrewdly bought for just such an occasion.

I suppose we will see how long a human can survive on noodles and salt in the near future.

He grabbed the bread and pulled out a plate, grabbed some more supplies out of the fridge, and after the saddest assembly ever he sat back down on his couch with a gourmet Cheese & ‘Chup™ sandwich resting on the coffee table. He stared at it with disdain.

He stood back up with a huff and went to the kitchen once again, grabbing a large glass measuring cup and putting it under the faucet. He turned the knob on the left labeled ‘diet’ and a bright yellow fizzy liquid poured into the cup. He knew better than to trust the color, though, and brought it to his lips with a sniff and a sip.

“Ooh, black cherry, not a bad draw,” he noted.

He placed the measuring cup on the counter and squatted down until he was eye-level with the liquid, gauging the angle of its surface against the horizontal marks on the container with a practiced eye.

“Four degrees north-northwest today,” he murmured, jotting down the measurement on a legal pad below all the others before taking his refreshment and walking back to the couch.

He looked back down at the vile sandwich, now regretting not simply letting it remain a plain cheese sandwich. His taste buds could almost taste the sweet acidic sting of the bright red non-newtonian fluid dripping down the edge, and he took another swig of his drink in preparation.

Just when he was about psyched up enough to take a bite the doorbell to his apartment rang.

Dirk hung his head.

You see, his apartment didn’t have a doorbell, which meant only one thing: the reaper had come to collect.

“Come in,” he called with all the false enthusiasm he could muster, not that he could realistically prevent this particular person from entering anyway.

There was a muffled clatter from near the sink as his dishwasher opened itself from the inside, and from it crawled what might have been called a very strange creature — if the observer was feeling particularly charitable, that is. It stood up to its full height and leaned back to stretch its serpentine body with a groan, then turned to face the unimpressed human with a lop-sided grin.

“Ah, Dirk, how lovely to see my very favorite tenant on this fine day,” he said with a clap of his talon and paw.

“Yeah, yeah, we both know why you’re here Discord,” Dirk replied in resignation, “And me and Greg already figured out you say that to everyone here.”

“That doesn’t make it any less true,” the draconequus retorted, floating himself over to take a place on the couch next to him. Dirk shut his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Now, you know I’ve taken a liking to you and your particular brand of misfortune, else I would have had you out of here ages ago, but you made an agreement when you signed the lease and I expect it to be followed.”

That’s rich coming from you, Dirk thought to himself, but he held his tongue.

“I’ve tried, Discord, I am trying,” the man explained, trying to keep from sounding too pathetic.

“Oh, I know!” The nine-foot noodle exclaimed, “I quite liked your last investor pitch, by the way, especially the visual aid with the rubber ducks, very avant-garde.”

“Of course you were watching that,” he groaned in embarrassment.

“But talent doesn’t always pay the bills, my good fellow,” Discord sighed, “And here we are with a week until rent is due and I’m still waiting on the previous month.” Discord brought the back of his paw to his forehead with faux dramatic flair. “How can you possibly expect me to afford my subscription to Bio-Illogical Babes without that money Mr. Elrod?”

Dirk took a deep breath and let it out. It took a special kind of person to interact with Discord regularly. Hell, most humans would have been terrified to even know such a creature existed, let alone enter into a contract with one. But Dirk wasn’t most humans. His track record of failures and freak accidents had given him a tour of duty across a wide variety of bad living situations, yet despite all his eccentricities, Discord was by far the most accommodating landlord he’d ever had.

And Discord always had an angle, even if he, himself, didn’t realize it. It was one of the few ways he was predictable.

“Lay it on me then,” Dirk said with a grim look on his face.

Discord huffed with a roll of his disproportionate eyes.

“Would it kill you to play along? Well, no matter, we both know you won’t be making a month of rent in one week, but I really do want to keep you on as a tenant despite your less than stellar record. And so, I come to you with a proposition,” the otherworldly being said with a twisted grin and steepled claws.

Dirk turned to look him in the eyes, wary but hopeful.

“What kind of prop—“

“ALL your debts erased from existence,” the demon before him cut in.

His eyes went wide as his hand gripped the arm of the couch, willing himself to keep calm.

“When you say all…”

“All of them Dirk, not just with me but with every institution on the planet, all physical and electronic records gone, poof, without a trace. Even the collectors assigned to your case will wake up one morning with no recollection of who you are. And with no records, why, who’s to say you were ever in any financial trouble to begin with?”

The human swallowed. He could feel that familiar pit in his stomach forming, and a cold sweat on his brow. It went well beyond a good deal, but neither had Discord ever offered so much before.

On the other hand, neither had he ever broken his word. He’d twisted things, sure, but in the end he’d always given him a fair price for his strange side gigs. The birthday-piñata incident came to mind, allowing him the funds needed to repair his beat-up car. That poor family was still attending group therapy last he’d heard.

Compared to that, what chaotic, nigh-Sisyphean task would he be given in return for such an opportunity?

He mustered the courage to speak his next sentence.

“What’s the job?”

“Ohoho!” The draconequus cackled, “I knew you’d be game. You know, you’ve never disappointed me in that respect, always throwing caution to the wind and marching into the great unknown, such wonderfully chaotic fun.”

“The job, Discord?”

“Right, I was getting to that,” he said with a wave of his talon. “I have this… friend back home, if you will. Real sweet thing, great with animals and flanks like you wouldn’t believe,” he said with a chuckle. “Anyway, so one of her friends has a birthday coming up, but myself and this other m- ahem, lady have a bit of a history, you see. We don’t exactly see eye-to-eye if you catch my drift.”

As if to demonstrate he plucked both his eyes from their sockets and put them on the table, now numbering three. They proceeded to get into a 2-v-1 catfight while screaming obscenities in squeaky voices before the pair on one side floated into the air and shot a rainbow laser at the other that turned it to stone. Dirk inhaled sharply and rubbed his eyes with his palms to hold onto his sanity, opening them again to find the offending things back in their rightful place.

“But I’m trying to be a better draconequus these days,” he continued, placing a paw on his chest and sitting up straight, “So when this friend of mine said I should get the other a present as a show of sincerity, well, you know, I took it to heart.”

Present?

“I couldn’t just get her anything mind you, I have a reputation after all. I had to get something unique, something I can guarantee she has never seen in all her long life, something like…”

The self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos looked down his muzzle at the human next to him with a smirk.

Dirk merely raised an eyebrow at his landlord.

“Sooo… you want me to be your girlfriend’s friend’s boy-toy as a sort of peace offering?”

Discord’s eyes boggled and he doubled over in howling laughter, clutching his sides and flying around the room like an untied balloon.

A series of sharp thumps from the apartment below stopped him in midair. He gently floated down and peeled open a hole in the floor like it was a can of sardines. The room was immediately filled with the loud blaring of an old TV set tuned to some game show or other.

“That disturbance was my fault, Madame Frank,” the still-jovial draconequus explained in apology, wiping a tear from his eye.

“Y’ALL BETTER HUSH-UP THAT HOLLERIN’ YA OLD GOAT, ‘AFORE I COME UP THERE AND BREAK THIS HERE CANE OFF IN YER SCALEY ASS!” The old woman screeched, causing Discord to wince.

Dirk hauled himself off the couch and laid on the ground to stick his head through the hole and diffuse the situation.

“Er, hey Mrs. Frank, sorry about that, I guess that joke I told really got him,” he said with a glare at Discord, “Good to see you, by the way, how’ve you been?”

“Oh, if it isn’t my little Dirky-Wirky,” the old lady cooed, “I made you a batch of cookies the other day, dear, but my ol’ hip was givin’ me some trouble so I wasn’t sure I could make it up the stairs to give them to you.”

She hobbled over to her counter while leaning heavily on her four-footed walking cane and leaned the broom she was clutching back against the wall before replacing it with her extendo-grabber. She clamped a rather generous gallon-sized ziplock in its jaws and hobbled over to the middle of her living room, hauling it up towards him with a grunt.

Dirk stretched down to take the bag from her.

“Uh, thanks?”

“Any time dear, I know things’re tight for you right now, but don’t let that old trickster fool you into sellin’ yer soul for some measly pennies.”

“Oh, don’t worry Mrs. Frank,” he said with a fake grin, swinging his arm to his chest with confidence, “I definitely won’t let him do anything like that!”

“Very good dear, and don’t forget to read yer bible every night. As long as we have the holy spirit that devil will never have power over us,” she spoke in encouragement before turning back to Discord with a twisted snarl. “NOW FIX MY DAMN CEILING YA LIMP-DICKED SONUVA BITCH!”

Both Discord and Dirk took that as their cue and scrambled away from the hole, the former pressing the floor back into position such that you couldn’t even find a seam.

“What a lovely lady,” Discord said with unironic glee.

Dirk snorted and opened the bag of cookies to put one in his mouth.

“Damn,” he said between bites, “She may be bat-shit insane, but she sure can bake a cookie.”

Rather than return to the couch he remained sitting on the floor as Discord hovered in front of him.

“Okay, so if I’m not someone’s boy-toy,” he began again, placing a cookie on Discord’s outstretched claw, “Then what exactly did you have in mind that is worth erasing my debts?” He asked.

“Oh, it’s nothing so explicit, mind you, but you weren’t far from the truth either.” Dirk gave him a look to continue while the draconequus tossed the whole cookie down his gullet. “Well, my girlfriend, as you put it, has a thing for animals you see, simply loves rescuing and caring for the ungrateful vermin — don’t tell her I said that by the way — and she believes everyone deserves a ‘special furry friend of their own’,” Discord said in a feminine voice while batting his eyelashes. “Now, as I’ve said me and her friends have had our differences in the past so I’m sort of on… friendship probation, if you will. When she suggested I be the one to select said ‘special furry friend’ for dear lu- ahem, her friend, you can understand how I might have been at a bit of a loss. Certainly, there are strange and chaotic things from the beyond I could obtain, but none of them make very good pets, and I absolutely refuse to give something common and boring. Which brings me… to you.”

Dirk squinted hard at the smiling thing in front of him.

“That still sounds like a sex fetish to me. I mean, I can read, speak, and talk. It’ll be pretty obvious I’m not an animal. The only way they’d agree to it is if they had some sort of fetish.”

Discord’s smile only grew wider.

“Perhaps the contract itself might clear up your confusion on the matter,” he said, pulling a small stack of papers from thin air and handing them to the wary human.

Dirk took them from his claws and began reading them over carefully. They started in a standard way, as all his deals with the strange being did. Complete erasure of all recorded debts across all mediums accrued by one Dirk Elrod, erasure of persuing parties’ memories, term of apartment lease frozen until the contract is completed or nullified, all personal belongings safely stored, it even allowed for a cash bonus to be paid commensurate with how ‘chaotically’ he performed his duties.

However, when he got to the terms of his duties Dirk saw the full depravity of what Discord had concocted. With every clause his breath came quicker, and on the second to last page he realized how literal the draconequus had been in his explanation.

He looked up at Discord in horror, waiting for the trickster to declare it all a prank and hand over the real contract. Instead, the smiling devil pulled out from behind his back… a collar. A silk band of deep navy blue with a small silver plate across the front, on which was engraved a short word in some flowery alien script. He didn’t even have to ask what it said.

“Hoh… hoh-boy,” he muttered, gaze falling to the thinning carpet between his legs as his mind raced.

He sprung to his feet and began pacing around the room with his hand to his chin.

Discord… he’s really serious about this one. Even if erasing my debts is trivial for him, he knows the value of what he’s offering and that… deal certainly reflects it.

He opened the squeaky glass door to his balcony, stepping past the hanging blinds into the night and leaning on the thin railing.

I mean… on paper it's objectively the simplest task he’s ever given me, there’s almost no way I can fail. But subjectively… can I handle that? Can I bring myself to stoop to that level, even for a chance at financial freedom?

He came back inside but left the sliding door open, it was feeling a little stuffy inside. He looked around at his current dwelling, the dust-free oval on the low drawers opposite his sofa where his TV used to be, the sagging twin mattress that gave him back pain, his ‘dinner’.

He spotted Discord stuffing his face with cookies and snatched the bag from him with a scowl, shoving the gooey treats into his own mouth two at a time.

Haven’t I already stooped much lower? Am I really living any better than an animal right now? Eating less and less every day, walking outside in fear, praying to gods I’ve never believed in that I’ll somehow catch a break?

Compared to that what is a little humiliation if it means I can walk away from it with a clean slate. Hell, working another fast-food job would be humiliating too, and not nearly as lucrative. At this point could I even find a temporary job that would pay enough to keep me from going under?

Hell, it’s frightening to think about living in another world, but… the contract itself provides a measure of anonymity if those safeguards are to be believed, and at the end of the day what Discord wants is entertainment. Allowing me to be seriously harmed would run contrary to his goals.

No… I have no choice but to accept. He knows I do, else he wouldn’t have arranged the contract that way. It’s sleazy, but at the same time, we both walk away with what we want. It’s fair in its own twisted sort of way, as all his ‘jobs’ are.

The only thing I need consider now is…

“How long,” Dirk asked in a dry tone.

He knew it would say on the final page, along with any final stipulations and signatures, but he needed to hear it straight from the source. Discord held up his eagle talon, digits spread wide and Dirk’s breath caught.

“Ah, pardon,” Discord said, “ I keep forgetting how many of these I have.”

He then reached over with his lion paw and pulled out another digit on the side of the talon.

“Five… five years. Five whole years.”

Dirk flopped onto the couch, and with a dull crack the thing finally broke at the center, causing both sides to tilt inward. The man hardly even noticed.

Discord settled back on the ground and stretched his limbs.

“Just think, you can spend another five years here, scraping by with minimum wage jobs, going from place to place as your debtors catch up with you, or you can—“

“I’ll do it,” Dirk interrupted.

“Splendid!” Discord exclaimed, zooming over to the opposite side of the coffee table and putting on a pair of half-moon glasses he removed from a briefcase and unscrewing one of his horns to reveal the tip of a fountain pen.

“BUT,” Dirk continued, “I want a few amendments.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

✱  ✱  ✱

It only took thirty minutes for the two to negotiate alterations to the contract, and with little fanfare the deal was struck and the contract was signed.

Dirk leaned back and let out a deep breath. It was done. From here on out it was up to him to put on a good show. Discord walked around to him with the collar in his hands. Dirk looked at it with apprehension, but closed his eyes and leaned forward.

With a hum of energy and a snick the collar was fastened around his neck with no visible means of removal. Discord explained that it was ‘enchanted’ to resist all forms of tampering except his own, as well as the key to enforcing the safeguards detailed in the contract. It was uncomfortable knowing he wouldn’t be able to take it off, but at the same time, he hoped it was as robust as Discord seemed to believe.

“Here’s the dossier on your new owner, as well as a primer on a few key details about that world you would do well to know,” Discord said, handing a manila envelope over to the man.

Dirk flipped it open and a look of incredible confusion crossed his face. He looked back up at his landlord packing up his things to leave.

“Ok, are you certain this isn’t one of your pranks?”

“What were you expecting,” he asked from over his shoulder.

“Uh, I don’t know, something more…” he waved his hand in the general direction of the chaotic amalgamation in front of him.

“Like moi? Oh, no, nothing as cruel and unusual as that. I think you’ll find this task far more vanilla than you might expect from one such as me. It may seem strange to you now, but those creatures are just as intelligent as humans. Sleep well, I’ll be back to pick you up tomorrow evening.” Discord took his coat from the coat rack by the door, neither of which existed just a moment ago, then turned back to Dirk with a smirk. “Oh, and one last thing? You may want to lose the clothes, I doubt you will be wearing any for quite some time.”

And with a snap of his claw, he disappeared. Dirk looked down at himself.

“Fuck… I hadn’t even considered that. This is going to suck.”

Dirk Elrod was no longer a man.

No, Dirk Elrod was a pet, a pet with a plan.

A summation of the contract between the individuals Dirk Elrod and Discord, later known as the ‘Pet for Debt’ deal.

Ⅰ. DESCRIPTION OF PAYMENTS AND REWARDS

By agreeing to and carrying out the following contract, Dirk Elrod will in return receive the following from Discord, Lord of Chaos:

Complete erasure of all records of debt (physical, electronic, or otherwise) accrued by Dirk Elrod

Erasure of any memories of Dirk Elrod’s debt in concerned parties, barring Dirk Elrod and Discord

In addition, the term of Dirk Elrod’s apartment lease from Discord shall be frozen until the contract is completed, broken, or nullified. All possessions currently within said apartment will remain secure with Discord for the duration. A cash bonus may be awarded for particularly outstanding performance in Dirk Elrod’s duties, subject to the whims of Discord.

Ⅱ. DESCRPITION OF OBLIGATIONS

Dirk Elrod, in signing this contract, will be required to perform the following:

Travel to and reside in Equestria, Planet Equus for the duration of the contract.

Act as a pet for the the individual known as Luna in whatever capacity he sees fit for a term of five years.

As the rewards of this contract are substantial compared to its obligations, it is noted that the benefits Discord will obtain from it include kudos with the individual known as Fluttershy, as well as long term entertainment by way of chaos and hijinks Dirk Elrod will no doubt cause, though no specific requirements for either are defined.

Ⅲ. DESCRIPTION OF LIMITATIONS AND PENALTIES

To protect the interests of both Discord and Dirk Elrod, the following limitations will be put in place and magically enforced by means of enchanted collar:

Dirk Elrod may not disclose the existence, nature, or terms of this contract with anyone other than Discord, directly or indirectly. All forms of accidental disclosure will be magically altered to pertain to bananas.

All forms of communication native to Dirk Elrod’s home planet shall be magically obfuscated to appear as merely animal-like sounds and body language (written languages will appear as scribbles). This shall be done without Dirk Elrod’s direct intervention for practical convenience. Exceptions to this are as follows:

Discord shall always fully understand Dirk Elrod.

Dirk Elrod will be able to communicate with and understand other ‘animals’ proportional to their own intelligence.

The individual known as Fluttershy will be able to communicate with and understand Dirk Elrod in a limited capacity, such as basic concepts and words, at a level limited to what Fluttershy herself expects of a ‘smart’ animal.

Purely pictographic communication, as well as any verbal or written languages Dirk Elrod may learn in his time serving the contract, will be obfuscated to appear primitive, but simple concepts will be communicable based on Dirk Elrod’s ability.

With careful observation, outside parties may be able to learn obfuscated body language and sounds as a more primitive expression of the same intent.

Dirk Elrod shall not be allowed to circumvent the contract with radical behavior leading to his release as a pet, and doing so will constitute a breach of contract.

Dirk Elrod shall not be allowed to take actions in such a way as to directly or indirectly raise suspicions in regards to the existence of this contract or Discord’s involvement with Dirk Elrod (apart from being the one to provide him as a pet), and doing so will constitute a breach of contract.

Discord will not be held liable for any injuries sustained by Dirk Elrod. In the event of Dirk Elrod’s death, the contract will be considered fulfilled and his debts erased posthumously. Any accrued bonuses will be paid to _____________.

Addendum: Dirk Elrod shall not be held in breach of contract should he, in an effort to avoid the death or serious physical harm of himself or those near to him, break any of the above rules if there was no other reasonable course of action to do so. In such a case, if the contract can be continued with reasonable accommodations on the part of both parties then they shall work to do so. If the contract cannot be continued, Dirk Elrod shall be awarded a prorated portion of the award for time served.

Ⅳ. DESCRIPTION OF ALLOWANCES

As an aid in performing his duties, Dirk Elrod will be allowed the following accommodations:

Dirk Elrod will fully understand his owner’s native spoken language.

Dirk Elrod will be allowed to review this contract at any time by pressing his thumb to the inside of the nameplate on his collar. Outside parties will not be able to see this occur.

Addendum: Dirk Elrod will be allowed a method of communication with Discord from anywhere at any time. Discord is not required to respond but will make every effort to if he can spare the time. This provision is for clarifications, emergency scenarios, and occasionally to vent his frustrations, but is not to be abused.

Addendum: Once a month at a time of Discord’s choosing, he will treat Dirk Elrod to a meal of his choosing from his home planet away from prying eyes.

Addendum: Further alterations or additions to this contract can only be made with the consent of both parties, as necessary.

It's the thought that counts

Several police reports were filed that night and the following morning by residents of a nearby apartment complex as well as a few pedestrians. According to the reports, the concerned citizens witnessed ‘a man high out of his damn mind prowling around his apartment making animal sounds in the nude’, ‘A sexual predator exposing himself while acting like an animal’, ‘Some sort of exotic pet that was trashing his owners’ place’, and ‘a man turning into a goddamn werewolf and performing satanic rituals’.

Of course, when police arrived to question the supposed offender they were unable to ascertain the location of the building he was living in. When the complaint filers were questioned about the validity of their claims, they all gave investigators incredulous looks and pointed straight at where they had ‘seen’ the event take place, only to find themselves pointing at brick walls, stores, or in one case the person’s very own apartment.

The complaints would later be dismissed as a hoax, but the event would go down in local urban legend as the ‘manimal’ incident, and even made the rounds on online conspiracy theory groups and those that made fun of them.

Of course, this all happened without the knowledge of one Dirk Elrod, as he had far too much on his mind at the moment.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

The apartment was dark, save for the flickering light from three small candles arranged in a triangle around Dirk. He sat cross-legged in the middle of his living room, in the nude, with his hands on his knees and eyes closed in concentration.

He’d spent all of the previous night running through scenarios in his head and coming up with a strategy, getting into the mindset of a pet, and going over what Discord provided him on this strange horse-world, this Equestria. There was a lot to cover on that front. Magic existing as a real physical force, talking horses that could also fly, griffons, dragons, chimeras, immortal princesses, shapeshifters, the fact that the average Equestrian preferred pineapple on pizza…

It was complete lunacy, even for Discord, but every time he started getting buyer’s remorse he reminded himself of that little tidbit of the contract that was vital for him to leverage.

Cash bonuses for an entertaining performance.

Even coming back with his debt wiped he still had nothing, no car, no food, barely enough in the bank for a week of groceries and bus fare to search for a job. No, if he was going to succeed he needed those bonuses, whatever they might be. It was almost as if they were the unspoken true win-condition for the contract with Discord, as the ‘Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony’ certainly wouldn’t be impressed with him just lounging around all day for five… five whole…

Goddamn.

A small pop sounded nearby and the candle flames flickered. It was time.

“I see you are taking this seriously, hmm?” came the familiar voice of his landlord.

Dirk flinched, fully aware of his nudity, but he kept his breathing even and his eyes closed. He’d done a lot in his life, odd-jobs here and there to make a quick buck or try and kickstart a new career. It’d made him flexible, adaptable. He could put on a mask and play a role when needed, and his meditation session was the last part of the ritual he’d developed when he needed to tackle something particularly uncomfortable.

Dirk Elrod was as ready as he was going to be.

“Well, it’s not like I’ve ever seen you wear more than a coat and hat, or maybe the occasional tie. I honestly should have been more disturbed by that fact in retrospect, but I guess I was too distracted by the spontaneous warping of reality you are so fond of.”

He could practically hear the smile on the monster’s face.

“I simply can’t wait to see what kind of mischief you will get up to Dirk,” the draconequus cheered. “I know this is quite the task I’ve set before you, but to be perfectly honest, there isn’t a single human I have higher expectations for.” His tone lost a bit of its mirth in favor of some uncharacteristic gravitas. “I really am serious about that Dirk. Despite your numerous professional failures, I’ve never been disappointed by your ability to come through on these little games of mine. As much as I’m loath to admit it, I’ve grown a bit of respect for you.”

Dirk chuckled and put a hand up. He felt a paw grasp firmly and pulled himself up to his feet. He opened his eyes and looked Discord in his.

“As much as it irritates me that you get off on my mishaps… you’ve honestly done a lot for me. If this is what it takes for a fresh start, then ‘bow-fucking-wow’.”

Discord grinned even wider, and with a snap of his talon the two disappeared.

✱  ✱  ✱

Silver-shod hooves echoed down the corridor of the princess’ private wing of the castle. The moon had just been lifted and the faint purple glow of the receding sun still lingered in the western sky. Few ponies walked these corridors at this time other than her guards.

Why my sister insisted we meet for our communal meal this early in the evening is beyond me.

As the groggy princess of the night came upon the doors to their private dining room, two night guards saluted her and opened the door. The second she turned the corner to walk inside, however…

“SURPRISE!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUNA!”

The chorus of voices and bright colors made her eyes shoot open as she dropped to a ready battle stance. She bared her teeth as her eyes darted around the room looking for threats, wings flared and a nearby chair lifted in her aura as a makeshift weapon.

An awkward silence hung in the air as the two parties stared each other down.

Her sister, Celestia, as well as the six Elements of Harmony, stood around the table. On it sat a two-tier chocolate cake with periwinkle blue piped frosting. The medium-sized room was littered with streamers and balloons in her colors, and at the back hung a banner reading ‘Happy Birthday Luna’. The gathered ponies all wore strained smiles at the lunar alicorns posture, save for her sister.

The chair fell to the ground with a crash and the younger princess’ jaw dropped.

Rainbow Dash leaned over to Pinkie.

“Kinda thought she’d be more excited for her first birthday party in, like, forever,” the pegasus whispered loud enough for everyone to hear.

Luna shut her mouth and her chin trembled. She looked down at the ground, causing her flowing mane to hide her features.

“Oh no, she doesn’t like it,” Twilight sparkle whispered in distress, also just a bit too loud for alicorn hearing.

“Now Twilight,” Celestia chided, “Just because my sister does-OOF!”

Like lightning a navy-blue flash flew across the room to impact the alabaster alicorn, stoping her speech in its tracks as the two of them rolled across the floor in a hug.

“Oh by the stars, sister, how did you remember?” Luna giggled with tears in her eyes. “We thought the knowledge lost to time! We- I… I never thought…”

“Me neither, Luna,” Celestia said while returning the hug and patting her sister’s back, a bit of emotion building up in her own eyes at her sister’s uncharacteristic show of emotion. “It’s been so long since we’ve been able to celebrate properly, but it seems our dear Pinkie Pie was up to the task,” she said with a nod to the bouncing pink earth pony.

“Oh it was nothing,” the pink mare scoffed before firing off into a rapid-fire explanation. “I just had to cross-reference all the mentions of presents in your old journals, apply statistical grouping against known holidays to get rid of all the ones that weren’t birthdays, then calculate the inverse Laplacian entropy to the root of the Einstifle tempo-spacial radiation strength for all the time Discord was being a meanie-pants and voilà, INSTANT PRINCESS BIRTHDAY-DAY!”

With a shout she jumped into the air and confetti was launched out of the cannon in the corner to fall around her. Her five friends stared at her in awe, Twilight looking especially manic as her horn glowed and a quill scribbled in fervor across parchment on a desk in the corner.

Luna paid it no mind as she got to her hooves and closed the gap between herself and the six mares, pulling them all into a wide hug with both her forelegs and wings.

“Oh, thank you, thank you all so much, it’s… I…”

Luna sniffled as Applejack spoke up.

“Shucks, it ain’t nothin’ princess, ya know we’d do it for any of our friends.”

“Of course,” Rarity piped in, “Everypony should have their day in the sun, er, moon in this case. I simply can’t believe we didn’t think of it sooner!”

Luna was taken aback by the realization before her.

Friends. I really do have friends. Not subjects or servants, but ponies that care about me and want to see me happy!

“Enough of this sappy stuff,” Rainbow grumbled, “Let’s get this party STARTED!”

With a round of cheers, the merriment commenced.

✱  ✱  ✱

Two hours later and the party was finally winding down. Cake was eaten, games were played, and the piñata was well and truly beaten. The last of Luna’s presents had been opened and Celestia had never seen her sister happier. There were many ways she and Luna shared a unique bond that few would ever understand, but more and more often Celestia was seeing all the ways Twilight and her friends brought Luna joy and friendship in ways she just couldn’t replicate.

Night court had been pushed back so they could all enjoy the party, but now things were winding down. Or, they would have been, if not for—

“SUPRISE! HAPPY… oh, did I miss all the fun? Drat, inter-dimensional customs can be such a bother at times.”

All the ponies in the room froze at the sudden appearance of the owner of that well-known voice. Most wore an irritated expression or a scowl, though there was one exception amongst the group.

“Discord, you made it!” shouted the yellow pegasus as she flew up to nuzzle him. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show.”

“Nonsense, I wouldn’t miss little Lulu’s birthday for the world,” the draconequus replied in mock offense while Luna pouted. “I simply had trouble finding the perfect gift for her like we discussed,” he finished with a sly wink.

Fluttershy’s eyes lit up.

“You got one!?” she asked with excitement, to which he simply gave her a smug smile. “Oh I knew you could do it if you tried,” she gushed, wrapping her forelegs around his muzzle and planting a kiss on his lips.

It wasn’t the first time her friends had witnessed the two getting a little more than friendly with each other but it still seemed so strange that their most timid friend had developed feelings for their least timid… acquaintance.

“Fluttershy sure has come out of her shell ever since Discord, hasn’t she?” Rarity whispered to Applejack.

“I’ll say. Used ta be you couldn’t so much as talk about holdin’ hooves with a stallion around her without her freezing up like a frightened goat. Kinda makes you wonder how none of us have special someponies yet… not that I’m lookin’,” she quickly amended, “Cuz’ I’m not!”

Rarity gave her friend a knowing look but let it slide when Celestia spoke up.

“While I do recognize that you’ve made great strides in friendship, Discord, if you’ve come to ruin my sister’s birthday in any way, shape, or form I will be forced to take action,” the solar princess warned with an edge in her voice.

“Oh come now, Tia,” he said, drifting over to her and wrapping an arm around her neck, “All that nasty business is behind us. Taking over the world? Soooo last millennium,” he scoffed with an upturned nose.

Celestia gave him a disbelieving look but Luna let out a thoughtful hum.

“I of all ponies know the value of a second chance, Discord,” she said evenly, “Though you must forgive our reluctance to forget given our shared history. All the same, I think I shall judge for myself if your gift is in good faith. You may present it.”

“Wonderful!” he said with a clap, “I think you’ll find this particular gift to be one that keeps on giving.”

With a snap, a large box appeared next to him and the ponies gathered around in anticipation. It was nearly as tall as Celestia herself and a meter wide on both sides. The wrapping paper depicted a strange blobby creature with peachy skin, rosy cheeks, and a white beard wearing a hat and coat of red with white fluff at the ends and black paws, all on a green background. The assembled mares all let out various apprehensive noises before silence took hold while they all waited for something chaotic to happen.

“… What is it?” Twilight finally asked when the large package remained motionless.

“Perhaps Fluttershy can elaborate?” he offered.

The yellow pegasus quickly returned to her anxious self.

“Oh, well, um,” she started, looking down and pawing at the ground while the others looked to her in curiosity, “M-Me and Discord thought that maybe, um, since you seem really lonely, Princess, that you might want to have someone by your side. Oh, but not that you d-don’t have friends, I mean,” she backtracked quickly as her nerve began to fail, “But, um, sometimes it’s nice to have a companion to care for that you can share affection with?”

Fluttershy ended with an uncomfortable smile as her friends tried to piece together what she was getting at. Luna fixed her with a neutral expression, but Celestia was the first to make the connection.

“You and Discord… got my sister a pet?!”

That got a round of murmurs from the smaller mares while Luna stiffened.

“Precisely!” The draconequus confirmed, “Well, it was mostly Fluttershy’s idea, but she asked me to pick one fit for a princess, as a show of good faith you know. And it’s not just any pet, either, I had to make sure to find something especially unique, something nopony has ever seen before, a pet truly out-of-this-world,” he said with a mischievous smile.

“Discord,” Celestia growled, “If you plan on unleashing another—“

“Please give him a chance Princess,” Fluttershy interrupted, flying in front of the two alicorns with puppy dog eyes, “He’s been trying really hard not to cause trouble, and I just know he really did find a good pet for her,” she said before turning to the younger of the two, “I… I really think you will love having a pet Princess Luna, I know it’s a lot of responsibility but it can be very rewarding as well. Please just think about it?”

Luna was unreadable to all but Celestia, who noticed the apprehension in her younger sister’s stance. Celestia had always been the one more in tune with nature and wildlife, whereas her sister had a… history of failing to keep pets that had dampened the lunar alicorn’s mood on the topic. She wasn’t sure modern Equestria could handle another Mr. Mittens disaster. She also knew how difficult it was to turn down the Element of Kindness when she had her heart set on something.

Luna took a deep breath and cleared her throat.

“I suppose I can at least… consider it,” she said evenly.

Taking his cue, discord floated over to the package with a flourish.

“May I present to you — drumroll please —“ Pinkie seemed to be on top of it with a drum on the floor by where she sat, “Your new pet!”

As Discord lifted all but the very base of the box a small fanfare played, slowly revealing the creature inside.

The ponies all stared at the thing.

It was tall, a mere few inches shorter than Celestia, and stood upright on two long legs. Its skin was pale and had almost no fur to speak of save for a short black mane, and its lanky forelegs hung at its side. Its face was much flatter than most animals and had a strange narrow nose and small blue eyes. Around its neck was a collar of navy blue with a silver nameplate that read ‘Dirk’.

The creature stood still, eyes wide open as it seemed to scan over the ponies in front of it and the room. Its shoulders rose and fell with short breaths.

“Pardon my askin’, but uh, what is it?” asked Applejack, breaking the nervous silence.

The Assembled mares all looked to Fluttershy for the answer, but even she had a wide-eyed look of intrigue.

“Why, it’s a human of course,” explained Discord.

And then it moved.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

“I suppose I can at least… consider it.”

That would be the voice of Luna, Dirk realized, his soon-to-be owner. The person herself didn’t seem too keen on the idea of a pet, something Dirk would have to work hard to remedy lest the whole thing fall through at the start. Still, he had a list of priorities for this first impression that were non-negotiable.

“May I present to you — drumroll please — “ a drum did indeed roll, the damn draconequus was really playing this up, “Your new pet!”

The box lifted around him while some trumpets let out a few notes, and he squinted in the light after standing still in that dark box for so long. When the room came into focus he froze.

He was in a modest dining room decorated with balloons and streamers in black, silver, and various blues, but his attention was occupied with more pressing concerns.

They… those things stood around him, just staring with their big eyes and bulbous heads. It was one thing seeing still images of them in the dossier, but quite another to meet them in the flesh, mere meters from where he stood. What Discord failed to mention was how… SMALL they were. Dirk thought they were going to be, like, NORMAL horse-sized aliens, not these creepy baby horse things with their bright colors and their no-clothes and their fucking huge eyes!

He struggled to hold onto his composure, muscles stiff and breaths short and measured. He’d prepared for this, he knew it was going to be an eleven on the freaky meter, he just needed a moment to adjust. Glancing further right he sighted Luna and her sister Celestia watching him with wary eyes and let a modicum of relief wash over him.

They, at least, were roughly normal-sized, with Luna coming up to his chin and Celestia half a head taller than him, their proportions less exaggerated.

“Pardon my askin’, but uh, what is it?” came a voice with a country twang.

His eyes darted back as he searched his memory for the entry on the orange ‘pony’ that spoke.

Applejack, Element of Honesty. Typical country mare, lives on a farm with her grandma and siblings, loves apples a little too much if you ask me. Has the rather annoying ability to tell when someone is lying with almost perfect accuracy. I doubt her ability extends to creatures she can’t understand so you shouldn’t have too much trouble with this one.

Dirk still didn’t understand the Elements of Harmony bullshit Discord was so hung up on, but he did know that the six of them tended to stick together in their little clique more often than not and frequently met with the princesses.

“Why, it’s a human of course,” explained his mismatched landlord.

The six smaller equines gazed in wonder and trepidation at him. The purple horny one, in particular, had a strange look in her eye as she examined him closely while her horn thingy glowed violet. When he felt a tingling in his hand and it lifted of its own accord, he lost his composure.

(“JESUS CHRIST!”), Dirk screeched, jerking his hand away from the phantom force.

It pulled free with some effort and he bent his legs to hop backward away from the group of small equine aliens, but the cardboard square under him slipped and shot forward toward their group. He threw his arms back to catch himself and half stumbled, half rolled away from them toward the corner of the room. The cardboard square caught the air and flew up to impact the purple one’s horn with a thunk, ceasing the glow around it.

Purple Horn hissed in pain, bringing a hoof to her forehead as her friends recoiled. Dirk crouched in the corner with his fingers on the waist-high moulding running along the wall and kept an eye on them.

(“You said they had magic, not that they could control my damn body Discord!), he barked at the draconequus. (“And also why are they so damn small? They look like creepy little horse dolls brought to life. I mean, fuck me!”)

Discord merely glanced and shrugged at the human’s discomfort with a smug grin, unable or unwilling to let on he knew what the strange sounds coming from the human’s mouth meant. Meanwhile, the blue pegasus snickered at Purple Horn’s irritation.

Rainbow Dash, Element of Loyalty. Very fast, not so bright. Quick to point hooves and take sides, and even quicker to brag about herself. Obsessed with the Wonderbolts, whoever they are. For all her rough and tumble athleticism she’s actually rather boring.

“Oh, the poor thing is terrified,” Fluttershy said, turning to Purple Horn, “You really should apologize Twilight.”

“ME? That thing flipped out over nothing!” Purple Horn retorted.

“Now darling, we’ve been over this,” came the voice of reason from the white unicorn with a styled mane and tail that the pictures didn’t do justice. “Not everypony, or everycreature, is comfortable with having magic used on them, Twilight. You really should have known that from the squirrel incident.”

Rarity, Element of Generosity. A tailor and fashionista of some repute. Wears a high-class facade at all times. If you can ignore the incessant need to remind everyone around her how ‘generous’ she is, she can be a world-wise voice of wisdom. Or an unhinged maniac, either-or. If you plan on obtaining clothing she is definitely your best bet.

“I must agree with your friends, Twilight,” Celestia said in her motherly tone, “Until we know more about this creature and its temperament you should err on the side of caution.”

Celestia, Princess of Cake. Seriously, she’s over a thousand years old and half her diet consists of pastries, how does she maintain that figure? And before you say it’s impossible, yes she controls the sun, it’s really not that big a deal though, I can do it in my sleep. She has strong ‘for the greater good’ ideals and even imprisoned her own sister for a thousand years when Luna tried to take over and do that whole Eternal Night thing. Wears her political mask a bit too often, but if you can get her to take it off she actually has a sense of humor under there. Be very careful what you do around her, however, she’s shrewd, magically learned, and still distrusts me, and by extension you.

“Ugh, fine,” Purple Horn conceded with a scowl, “You can tell it I’m sorry and won’t use magic on it again without permission, Fluttershy.”

Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic. Probably one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet in terms of Power Wielded versus Common Sense. Spent most of her adolescence as a secluded anti-social bookworm under Celestia, only recently developing her so-called ‘friendships’. Obsessed with learning new information to a degree bordering on mania. I recommend you avoid this one, her gift with magic will likely lead her to suspect the collar or yourself, and she has little enough moral qualms running her little ‘friendship experiments’ on living creatures.

Fluttershy turned back toward Dirk with a gentle smile, stepping closer with her head lowered.

"It's ok, um, Dirk. Twilight didn't mean to hurt you, she—"

"You should meet Gummy!" a voice shouted in his left ear.

Dirk jumped at the sound and his entire left field of view was consumed by pink. Time seemed to slow down as he turned to get eyes-on his newest assailant. A wall of pink hair like cotton candy filled his vision, followed by enormous blue eyes mere inches from his own.

Adrenaline hit his bloodstream like a freight train and he threw his body away from the threat on instinct. The pink menace reached a hoof into her mane and withdrew her diabolical weapon, a small green alligator with bulging violet eyes. She made to shove it in his face, but he was already backpedaling away from them.

Pinkie Pie, Element of Laughter. Sometimes I wake up and wonder which of the two of us is the real spirit of chaos around here. Well ME obviously, but Pinkie is a close second. Among her strange qualities are the ability to vaguely predict the future with a series of coded bodily spasms, an uncanny knowledge of everyone she's ever met, the ability to pull objects from nowhere, and the ability to (seemingly) teleport and/or travel faster than light, though no one has ever directly witnessed it happen. A wildcard if ever there was one, and the foremost expert on throwing parties as well, with just a bit of repressed insanity to make a fine cocktail of chaos.

He whipped his head around as he lunged away only to find himself barreling straight toward the two princesses. They had a look of shock at his sudden approach and began shifting their weight for a hasty retreat. Dirk knew he was pushing his luck, but he needed a bastion of sanity right now. The two were ruling princesses and Luna was to be his owner if this disaster of a first impression could be salvaged, so he was hoping they would be more mild-mannered.

He looked up and met Luna's eyes and his hopes were shattered. Her eyes were pinpricks and her nostrils were flared while a blue glow was already traveling up to her horn, signaling her use of that 'magic' again. He tried to stop himself, but before he could think a translucent blue wall condensed in front of him.

He ran face-first into the barrier and his head bounced off it like a rubber ball. Pain shot across his face as the rest of his body slammed into the newly-formed wall and he collapsed to the ground clutching his face in agony.

✱  ✱  ✱

The ponies watched with mouths agape as the creature writhed on the ground while holding its face, making pained barks and whimpers as it tried to scramble away from them all. Fluttershy was the first to recover.

"Oh no!" she cried out in distress, dashing over to him to tend to his injury.

The creature saw her rapid approach and swatted a foreleg toward her as he scrambled away into the corner opposite Pinkie Pie and furthest from the rest of the ponies. Sensing his fear and distress she came to a skidding stop.

"I-I'm not going to hurt you, Dirk," she said in the gentlest voice she could muster. Her panic and anxiety bled through and caused her voice to quaver, but she lowered herself to the ground and held firm. "See, I'm not a scary pony at all, I just want to help you feel better. I promise to be gentle, so would you please let me get closer so I can care for you?"

The creature eyed her from between the long slender digits of his paws but remained silent apart from its panting, and a single red bead of liquid ran down its chin.

"I, I didn't m-mean to," Luna stammered, realizing the damage she caused. Images flashed in her mind of the looks of disgust and fear the Elements were doubtless leveling at her and she peered around cautiously at them, expecting a rebuke from them or her sister at any moment.

"Gosh darn it Pinkie, why do ya always have to do and get in ponies' faces," Applejack griped. "Y'all nearly put Granny in an early grave just last week."

Pinkie looked sobered by the state of the human and the part she played in it.

"I do hope the poor thing is okay," Rarity added, though she made no effort to get any closer.

"It's not like it's our fault Discord picked up some freaky furless thing that's scared of ponies," Rainbow said with a huff.

Twilight simply peered at the creature from a distance while taking page after page of notes.

Seeing that her friends weren't going to disown her for her mistake she turned back to Fluttershy and the creature with guilt.

"It's not your fault, Luna," her sister said from her side, resting a wing over her back. "I was close to doing the same if it came any closer."

"No, sister, I once again caused—"

"Luna look at me," Celestia ordered. Luna did, revealing tears that threatened to fall at any moment. "It's not your fault, and none of the girls blame you for reacting the way you did. This isn't the same as when we were foals, Luna, all that is in the past. This is a fresh start for you, whether you want to try keeping a pet or not. This was simply an accident." Luna nodded but a bit of her sorrow remained as she looked at the ground between her hooves. Celestia turned a glare on Discord who was floating among the balloons on the ceiling. "You on the other hand have some explaining to do," she said.

"Wha-ME?" he protested, "It's hardly my fault you ponies are so eager to resort to the most drastic measures for every little thing. I already told you it was a creature that nopony has ever seen before, which means it has never seen a pony before either. I'd like to see you keep your composure with a pack of humans gathering around you to poke and prod at you in a small room," he said before growing a wicked smile and holding up his talon with thumb and middle claw together. "In fact I can arrange for it, if you'd like."

"No no, that will be entirely unnecessary," Celestia said quickly.

She turned back toward Fluttershy and the creature with a huff. Fluttershy managed to scoot a bit closer but was still in a standoff with it. Celestia saw the blood dripping from under its paws and realized it was more hurt than she thought.

"Fluttershy, if you could speak with it I would like its consent to heal its injury if possible."

Fluttershy inched just a bit closer while maintaining a non-threatening stance.

"My name is Fluttershy, and that is Princess Celestia," she said calmly to the human. "I know you might be afraid of us right now and afraid of magic, but Princess Celestia can heal you if you would be willing to let her."

Her smile was pure and innocent, and the creature looked between the two of them before pulling away and examining one of its paws with a huff.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

There was blood on his hand. His nose was definitely broken. He didn't need the translation from Fluttershy, but he wasn't feeling real stellar about his new owner and company right now.

Still, he knew this whole debacle was just an unfortunate accident. He would have to put it behind him if he was going to have any chance at success. He glanced up at Discord briefly while everyone was looking elsewhere and got a small affirmative nod and a thumbs-up. With a sigh, he pulled his hands away from his face and knew from the collective gasps that it looked pretty bad.

("Yeah, sure, she can fix me I guess"), he growled at the yellow pegasus. ("And, uh, I guess can you tell the big blue one that I'm sorry for scaring her?")

Fluttershy beamed as his response and turned to the two princesses.

"He says you can heal him, Princess," she translated, the relief in her voice clear. "And he says he's sorry for scaring you Princess Luna," she added.

Celestia blinked in surprise. It clearly wasn't the response she was expecting from him. Dirk recalled the two still had some distrust for each other, and she likely suspected Discord brought him for the sole purpose of stirring up trouble. Luna looked relieved by comparison, offering him an apologetic smile with flattened ears. His own sour feelings subsided seeing how downtrodden she looked.

Dirk let out a sigh.

Well, it's not the introduction I was hoping for, but honestly this is par for the course for one of Discord's jobs.

Celestia stepped toward him with deliberate strides. He raised a brow and kept an eye on her horn, but pulled his hands away to let her do whatever it was she had up her sleeve. The tall alicorn bent her neck toward him as her horn lit up. Dirk flinched but held still, locking eyes with her.

The gold glow of her horn took hold of his nose and Dirk felt the cartilage shifting uncomfortably, although the pain receded almost immediately upon contact with the arcane force. A few seconds later and his nose was good as new. Celestia took a step back and admired her handiwork, then with another short flash the blood on his hands and face was gone.

("Huh."), he chirped, feeling his nose to make sure all was as it should be.

"It seems to have worked, though there was a bit of... resistance to the spell. If I may rely on your expertise a bit longer, Fluttershy, would you mind looking after him for few minutes? Perhaps introduce him to your friends, slowly that is?"

"Oh, it's no problem at all Princess," the pegasus assured her, "I think he just needs to feel safe in his new environment and he will be well behaved."

Celestia gave her a smile and a nod before turning to Discord with a flat look.

"We need to talk, Discord," she demanded of the draconequus.

"Oh, fine," Discord conceded with a roll of his eyes.

"Luna, come with me," Celestia said, directing the somber alicorn with a wing.

The three of them left the room through a side door, leaving Dirk and the six smaller mares alone.

The ones that weren't yellow grouped up around Pinkie Pie in the adjacent corner of the room and spoke quietly amongst themselves. They were far enough away to keep the 'wild human' placid, but close enough that they could swoop in and save their too-kind-for-her-own-good friend at a moment's notice. Rainbow and Applejack, in particular, kept a close eye on the two of them while the unicorns comforted Pinkie and gossiped about himself.

Rather than concern himself with them, he decided to finally get his bearings. He sat up into a cross-legged position and looked around the room, seeing the aftermath of what seemed like a rather juvenile birthday party for a princess. Balloons, streamers, cake, a broken pinata, and Pin The Tail On The... Pony. On the wall opposite the door hung a large banner with those same strange flowery characters, though it didn't take a rocket surgeon to guess what they said.

"Are you feeling better now, Dirk," Fluttershy asked, bringing his attention back to where she sat on the ground a meter away. He had the sudden realization that she was the only one to consistently call him by the name on his nametag this entire time.

I suppose when you can talk to animals you have a greater respect for them and their autonomy. How a nut like Discord got together with his polar opposite is beyond me, but thank god I can communicate with someone sane.

("Oh, uh, yeah"), he squeaked, ("And thank you for, well, standing up for me I guess.")

"Don't worry, I know how scary it must feel to be in a strange place surrounded by creatures you haven't seen before," she explained. "Discord has been doing a lot better with the animals recently but he probably didn't prepare you to meet us, did he?"

HA! More than you might think, but way less than I would have liked.

("I only know that he wanted to take me somewhere safe to help me"), Dirk explained, avoiding anything that might give away that the two of them were more involved than she might think.

"Oh my, I will have to ask him about it later," she said. "Um, would you mind if I came closer?"

Dirk was about to respond when a thought struck him. Fluttershy seemed to be waiting for permission, but rather than vocalize it he beckoned with a finger, a gesture any human would recognize but those with hooves likely wouldn't. In response, the yellow pegasus smiled and rose from her seat, walked over, and sat right next to him.

That confirms that the contract's exception for her animal-speak extends to simple body language as well, I will need to be—

His thoughts vanished as the yellow pony leaned in to nuzzle his neck in a show of affection he couldn't remember ever having received from anyone or anything in his entire life. At first his breath caught, his mind recoiling at the instinctual sense of violated personal boundaries hammered into his human psyche, but after a brief moment it was...

His muscles just... melted. Her fur and mane were so soft and her body so warm, and her gentle touch harbored no ulterior motives or lies. It was just a simple expression of her desire for him to feel comforted and nothing else. He looked up at the ceiling with a twisted brow and quivering chin, trying to keep the feelings from spilling from his eyes. When he let out a small sniff, Fluttershy pulled back.

"Oh dear, I didn't mean to-EEP!"

He silenced her by wrapping his arms around her neck and shoulders and pulling her into a hug. There was a flash of orange and blue movement from the corner of his eye but he ignored it for the moment. Fluttershy quickly caught on and relaxed in his embrace, wrapping a foreleg around his own back and patting him.

"There, there, it's going to be okay now," she whispered.

They held the position for a moment before Dirk let out a long breath.

("Thank you, I... I really needed this"), he purred in her ear.

Fluttershy withdrew from the hug and fixed him with a smile he could only describe as angelic.

"I understand, every creature just needs to know they are loved and cared for."

Fluttershy, Element of Kindness and all-around Best Pony. Easily the least judgmental and most trusting pony I've ever met, sometimes to a fault. I used to think I was a being that was fundamentally and diametrically opposed to ponies and their, *bleh*, harmony. And then Fluttershy took a chance and stood up for me despite my difficult personality, and, well, we've had our ups and downs but I can honestly say things have never been better between us. Sure it's not as chaotic as it once was, a lot less taking over the world and cataclysmic reality-bending fun, but I think the trade-off was worth it. Oh, and if you tell anyone I said that I'll vehemently deny it and turn you into a toaster.

Erm, where was I? Ah, right. Fluttershy has the ability to speak with animals and has taken it upon herself to be a bastion of safety and care for any that come her way. Though she's certainly opened up as of late, 'shy' is still in her name. It generally only applies to other non-animal creatures, however. Enjoys peace and quiet, tea times with your's truly, reading, and caring for animals. She is your best bet for getting your point across to other ponies while under contract, though for that same reason is the one most likely to realize you are not, in fact, an animal if you aren't careful what you say and do around her.

Oh and you better not ruin her innocence with your filthy human mind, she is the one pony I won't tolerate you traumatizing.

Dirk Elrod saw her in a new light. He saw ponies in a new light. They still looked strange to him, like some CGI artist's drug-induced fever dream rendition of cartoon horses, but appearances aside they were still distinctly... human under it all, for lack of a better term.

He looked over at the other group of ponies keeping their distance. Rainbow was sprawled on the floor, rear legs splayed out and front legs crossed like arms with a scowl on her face while Applejack was standing with a hoof on her tail to keep her from charging in to 'rescue' her friend. Pinkie looked much more cheery and Twilight... still had that clinical smile on her face. Incidentally, the small alligator Pinkie produced out of nowhere was once again nowhere to be seen.

Yeah, I can do this, Dirk thought to himself, they're strange, but I can get used to it. I just have to remember what's at stake.

Rarity approached them from the side while the others hung back.

"Is everything quite fine with Dirk now, Fluttershy?"

"Oh, yes, I think being around so many new ponies in an unfamiliar place just had him a little frightened is all, he seems like a very sweet and gentle creature."

"That's a relief," the high-class unicorn said with sincerity, "I daresay he took that dreadful blow rather well. I can't even begin to tell you how many times Opal has taken a swat at me for simply brushing her coat."

Applejack let off of Rainbow's tail and the blue pegasus took to the air and rubbed at it while glaring at the orange pony. The four made their way over to Rarity to get a closer look at him now that they had the all-clear from their resident animal expert.

"Ya' reckon Princess Luna will take him in?" Applejack asked, looking over his alien physique with curiosity.

"...Why wouldn't she?" Fluttershy said with genuine confusion.

"I dunno, Fluttershy, she seemed kinda like she didn't want a pet," Rainbow Dash said.

"She seemed really sad," Pinkie said, "Like when Big Mac walks slowly past carous—"

Applejack's eyes widened and she stuffed a hoof in Pinkie's face to shut her up, glancing out of the corner of her eye at the others while leaning in to whisper in her ear.

"Oh my, you don't think something happened to her in the past, do you?" Rarity suggested, glossing over Pinkie's analogy.

"I'm sure you are just overthinking it," Twilight said with confidence, "Princess Luna just came back after a thousand years on the moon. I can't imagine all the things that must have changed since she last had her duties as a princess, she is probably just worried she won't have the time to care for it while she is trying to do all her catching up."

These ponies knew Luna far better than Dirk, and their similar assessments confirmed what he suspected about the moon princess. He would have to take active measures to ease whatever misgivings she had about him, and soon. Looking around at the gathered mares, he knew he would have to develop some sort of working relationship with them as well given how likely it was their paths would be cross.

As the six continued to discuss that and other matters related to Luna's birthday, Dirk began formulating a game plan for establishing his character in this new world. Even with the safeguards on the collar, which certainly seemed to be doing a good job of painting him in a less-than-fully-sapient light, it was critical that he establish animal-like behaviors in these first few days and hide that he was more intelligent than he let on.

He knew he would not be able to maintain the image of a wild animal for long, and he needed to build the narrative of slowly learning or being trained to behave in civil society rather than coming to them with preexisting knowledge. That way he could eventually relax his acting and let the enchantments do most of the work while he focused on living this new life of his.

I'm going to have to do some humiliating and questionable things, he realized, idly playing with the end of Fluttershy's long pink mane while she conversed with her friends about some upcoming pony holiday.

He looked back around the room with all its decorations, at the six strange equine aliens sitting around him, and at himself.

I can't believe I'm actually here in another world. I've been so caught up in my own situation I never even considered how incredible this all is. I'm the first human to ever see this place, just some nobody with nearly six-figure debt and a strange diety for a landlord. I'm casually touching a literal alien right now, though I guess I'm the alien in this scenario. Let's hope the purple one doesn't try and probe me, he thought with a glance at Twilight. It seemed she was also stealing glances at him as she held the conversation and a shiver went up Dirk's spine.

After a few more minutes the side door opened again, admitting two alicorns with unreadable expressions and one draconequus.

"Fluttershy," Celestia said in a serious tone, "I'm afraid I have another task for you."

✱  ✱  ✱

"We need to talk, Discord."

"Oh, fine."

"Luna, come with me."

As the three stepped or floated into the adjoining hall, the guards posted at the door jumped in surprise at the uninvited former enemy of Equestria, grabbing their spears on reflex.

"That won't be necessary," Celestia told them, though the two night guards glanced at Luna and got a nod of confirmation from her.

Once they'd traveled out of earshot Celestia spun around on the reformed spirit of chaos.

"What are you playing at, Discord?" she asked with an edge of hostility.

Discord put a paw to his chin as he considered the question.

"Well, I have been getting into O&O recently, it really allows me to flex my—"

"ENOUGH," she shouted, quickly recoiling from her own outburst and bringing a hoof to massage between her eyes with a tired sigh. "I told you that I wouldn't tolerate your schemes today Discord, and I will not have you toying with my sister in this manner."

Luna frowned at that.

"Sister, I appreciate your concern but I am not seeing Discord's wrongdoing in this," she said evenly.

"Luna, that creature's collar is heavily enchanted with Discord's unique magic, and his body contains more of the same. Surely you felt the strangeness in him when he collided with your shield."

Luna glanced away but didn't deny it.

"Well, I wasn't aware that enchanted objects were outlawed," Discord said before dropping to the ground. A ball and chain appeared around his ankles and his claws were shackled together and held out toward the older princess. "I suppose you'll have to take me away then," he said with a dramatic sigh, then gave her a sly look. "Though I suppose you would have to arrest yourself as well, hmm?"

"Tia, I believe we should allow Discord to explain the circumstances surrounding the creature before we declare guilt," Luna remarked.

Celestia looked to her sister and let out a defeated sigh with her head hung low.

"I... suppose I was overeager to place blame. I just... I wanted your birthday to be special, Luna."

"It was special, sister," Luna insisted with a smile, sidling up to her sibling and nuzzling her, "I would not have dreamed of the day we could have our true birthdays back, and I got to spend my first in millennia with you and our new friends. I admit I was... surprised by the human creature, but that hardly ruined the evening."

Celestia leaned into the touch of her sister, feeling the tension melt away.

"Very well, allow me to apologize for my behavior Discord, and start my inquiry anew. Would you please tell us of the nature of this creature and how you came across it?"

"Apology accepted," Discord said, "And as for that particular creature, I wasn't lying when I said I picked it out especially for you, Lulu," he said turning to the princess of the night. Both sisters' eyes widened when his demeanor shifted to a somber seldom seen in him, conjuring a high-backed chair to sit in while he explained. "Humans are... very strange and interesting animals, you know. They hail from a world without any magic whatsoever..."

The alicorns inhaled sharply.

"Astounding, I know," he agreed. "You may have gotten the sense they have chaos magic like me, but that isn't quite the case. In some sense it is similar, but that energy is no kind of magic. The collar is enchanted to act as an intermediary for a creature with zero magic in a magic-rich environment, as well as other minor odds and ends to keep him happy and healthy here. It cannot and should not be removed unless you wish to subject him to a slow and painful demise."

Celestia frowned at that.

"Assuming I trust that you are telling the truth, why go so far as to bring a creature incompatible with our world here? I understand that Fluttershy wanted you to choose the gift as a show of sincerity and goodwill, but surely you could have chosen something..." she glanced at Luna out of the corner of her eye "Simpler?"

Luna's ears flattened a bit but she held her tongue.

"Why do anything, Celestia?" he asked with an annoyed roll of his eyes, "Why choose Twilight to be your successor when there are so many simpler choices, hmm?"

Celestia and Luna stiffened.

"How do you—"

"Oh, please," he interrupted with a twirl of his claw, "The writing is on the wall." He pointed behind the two sisters where the words 'Twilight is going to be a princess' were scribbled in black marker.

"Choosing one worthy of the crown is hardly the same as choosing my sister a pet, Discord," Celestia countered.

"Well, perhaps that's why your previous attempts ended less than favorably," he retorted.

Celestia flinched while Luna looked like a beaten puppy. The solar alicorn grit her teeth and gave Discord a death glare.

"That was an underhooved remark Discord, even for—"

"No, he's right, sister," Luna blurted out, and they both looked at her in confusion. "I... I can't take care of a pet, it only ever ends in misery, Tia, we both know it." Luna's words became more and more emotional as she continued. "The only thing ever wrought from my hooves is death and destruction and the creature would be better off with Fluttershy, or, or any pony OTHER THAN ME!" she finished with a stomp of her hoof.

"He didn't say that, Luna,"
"I didn't say that,"
  —They said at the same time.

"But you know it's true," the younger one sniffled, a few tears falling to the ground.

Discord and Celestia glanced at each other, exchanging minute looks before coming to an unspoken agreement.

"Luna, what happened in the past was due to several factors, not just you," Celestia said while stepping over to drape a wing over her sister's back. "We had a lot on our plates back then, civil unrest, wars, and Discord to name but a few of our numerous concerns. We were young, Luna, and we both made mistakes. We still do, in fact, and will continue to do so for as long as we live."

Luna sniffed again but was calming from Celestia's reassurance.

"I know that, Tia. I know there were factors out of our hooves, but still... I cannot allow my negligence and selfishness to bring pain to anypony or creature ever again, not after Nightmare Moon. If that means going without such companionship, then so be it."

Celestia rolled her eyes and sighed. Luna always was one to magnify her own faults, real or imaginary. The idea may have originated from Fluttershy, but Celestia had to admit Discord was wily and perceptive when he wanted to be.

"Maybe what you need is exactly that, Luna, to confront your perceived shortcomings and prove to yourself that you can handle it."

Luna looked up to her sister with wide eyes.

"Ahem, if I may," Discord cut in, "I think you may be giving these so-called 'other ponies' a bit too much credit Luna. Why, there are loads of poor goldfish that get flushed down the toilet every day because their owners couldn't care for them. And when I see what Flutters has to put up with to care for her menagerie? I don't think you, Celestia, or even I could do it to save our lives," he said with a jovial flair, though Luna was less than impressed.

"Forgive me if I am not delighted by the knowledge that I am at least no worse than mediocre," she said in a flat tone.

"Fine, if you are going to be difficult then allow me to elucidate further on my particular choice of pet," he grouched, pulling out a pamphlet and donning a pair of reading glasses. "Humans are unlike anything you are used to keeping, my dear. If there was one animal in all of existence I would bet money on finding a way to survive, it would be a human. They are omnivores that can eat a wide range of foods and be perfectly healthy, survive in both cold and hot environments, and can adapt to both daytime and nighttime sleep cycles.

"While they may lack sophistication in the wild, they are intelligent, adaptable, and utterly tenacious when pressed. As pets they are highly trainable, quick to learn, relatively autonomous, and form close-knit social bonds with their owners and their family. Frankly, you could probably just give it a small room to sleep in and ignore it forever and it would find a way to sustain itself — not that I'm saying you would or should," he quickly added. "In short, it is the perfect pet for a positively penitent self-persecuting pony princess."

Even Celestia was taken aback by his sales pitch. Discord hardly ever gave out praise, and from the way he spoke of them, it was almost as if he had a grudging respect for the species. Replaying the events in her mind, she noted that even when frightened and injured its instinct was to run rather than attack, and when reasoned with it was willing to allow her to approach to heal its injury.

It certainly was a strange-looking creature with its pale furless skin, long limbs, and flat face, but Celestia had to admit that Discord may have found the perfect pet for Luna.

Luna, on the other hoof, had a conflicted look on her face.

"Even if all that is true, I... I just... I've already ruined what chance I had," Luna reasoned in desperation, "Looking back, it, it must have been coming to me for protection from Pinkie, but instead I used magic to injure it. It's just... thank you for considering my feelings, Discord, but it is for the best that it find a home with a pony that can care for it."

Discord slumped in his seat in disappointment while Celestia groaned.

"Luna, forget all your imagined inadequacies for a moment and ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to accept the human as your pet? I will not force the issue if you simply have no desire to care for it, but deep down is that really the case? Tell me sister, if you could care for any animal in the world as well as Fluttershy, would you like to give this human, er, Dirk a chance?"

There was a silence as Luna's face scrunched and contorted. After many long seconds, she spoke in a small voice as if afraid to hear her own words.

"Yes."

Celestia relaxed upon hearing her sister finally admit her feelings, and Discord brightened considerably. She had to admit, she had her doubts when he and Fluttershy became involved, but his desire to meet her expectations seemed to be a force for good in his life. Reformed or not, he would never have gone to such lengths for anyone other than himself in the past.

"Here is what I propose then, Luna," Celestia said, "For the next few days we allow Fluttershy to help acclimatize Dirk to his new home and assess his needs. Once he is settled, you care for him as best you can for the next month. If after that you still don't believe you can handle it, we can find Dirk a new home."

Luna bit her lip.

"You, are certain this human is easy to care for? If I do something wrong it won't hurt him? And why are you so sure he will not be afraid of me now, Discord?" she asked.

"Caring for a human couldn't be simpler, it would take a deliberate effort to do any lasting harm. As for that little hiccup back there, well... I think you will find this particular specimen highly motivated to move past that if it means finding a loving owner."

Luna took in a deep breath and nodded.

"Very well, I will... once again try to care for a living creature as my pet," she said with fragile resolve.

"Splendid!" Discord cried, jumping from his seat, "I know Flutters will be over the moon that you will finally be getting a pet of your very own."

"I know you can handle this sister" Celestia added, "Now let's get your face cleaned up so we can deliver the news. And Discord, I am trusting that you've spoken the truth about the nature of the human's strange energy and your enchantments on that collar. There will be consequences if this is another one of your ploys, we can only give you so many chances."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he said as if offended she would even consider it a possibility.

After a flash of magic, the wetted fur from Luna's tears was dried, and with several deep breaths she put on a dignified look. The three of them walked down the hall back to the dining room and opened the door to find the human and Fluttershy sitting together in the corner they'd left him in, while Twilight's other friends were gathered around on the floor a moderate distance from them.

Celestia looked to the yellow pegasus and saw that the creature seemed to have calmed and was playing with her mane, and she smiled inwardly as her opinion of the creature continued to improve. Still, she held her regal mask and addressed the pony next to him.

"Fluttershy, I'm afraid I have another task for you."

Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back

Dirk looked up at the three powerful beings in the room. His landlord looked aloof, only briefly shooting his human conspirator a look of warning, while the two princesses wore diplomatic expressions. He knew those looks well, they were the practiced looks of upper-management trying to show solidarity on a hard decision while their personal beliefs lay elsewhere. More often than not those decisions were to his detriment.

Shit. Well, here goes nothing…

“Oh, what might that be?” Fluttershy asked in response to Celestia’s announcement.

Dirk stood up, causing the other ponies around him to flinch and earning a quiet “Oh my” from Rarity who sat directly between him and the alicorns. He ignored their discomfort and locked eyes with Luna, walking between the seated mares to where she stood. Luna stiffened and glanced at her sister briefly before looking back to the tall thing approaching her.

“Um, hel—“

He bent at the waist a bit and wrapped his arms around her neck, nuzzling her like Fluttershy had himself. There were a few appreciative murmurs from behind them, but Applejack summed up their thoughts.

“I’d say he forgives ya, Princess.”

He felt Luna swallow and fidget a bit, and pulled back to study her face. Her eyes were welling up with tears again and her lip trembled as she desperately tried to hold her stony expression. A little tear escaped the corner of her large teal eye and Dirk lifted an eyebrow.

Am I reading this wrong? The hell is going on with her? Does it even matter at this point? I mean, I don’t know what more I can do here, it’s not my fault Discord chose someone deathly afraid of me for his little game.

He looked at the single tear that was caught on her cheek fur and grit his teeth.

Fuck it, might as well…

He let out a heavy sigh, locked eyes with the lunar princess, gave the most reassuring look he could, leaned in, and licked the side of her cheek.

A quiet hum came from her with a twitch of her lips and a relaxing of her brow, but it was drowned out by a chorus of squee’s and daww’s from behind him. Luna quickly snorted and turned away from him, feigning a sneeze as she brought a hoof up to rub her eyes.

“Ahem, apologies,” she said after she turned back toward the group, “I seem to be having… allergies.”

“Oh, I hope you aren’t allergic to Dirk!” Fluttershy cried.

“N-No! I mean… they are dust allergies,” she recovered while glancing to the side, “It has been quite dusty around the castle of late. I believe we may need to have the maids increase their rounds, sister.”

Celestia brought a hoof to her mouth and giggled.

“Indeed we may,” she said with sisterly magnanimity.

Dirk stepped back and gave her the flattest stare. He gave Discord a sidelong glance and saw him biting his lip holding back laughter. It all clicked into place.

Oh for fuck’s sake, she’s just pet-tsundere. Goddamn franken-noodle had me sweating bullets over here.

Luna, Princess of Loneliness and your new owner. A rather tragic story, this one. Fought tooth and nail to bring Equestria out of the dark ages, only to find herself overshadowed by her sister’s charisma in the following peace. Spends a few decades with festering jealousy, develops an alternate personality bent on enacting eternal night, and gets imprisoned in the moon for a thousand years. (That's not hyperbole either, I can say from experience that being trapped in stone for a millennium with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company is not a pleasant experience.) When she came back and was purged of her rebellious phase, she found the world had moved on without her.

Has trouble in social situations, preferring to maintain distance from her subjects due to her perceived shortcomings. Has the unique ability to travel into creatures’ dreams, prefers solving problems with force rather than words, and has a unique affinity for dark magic. Controls the moon and rules during the night, so I hope you don’t mind becoming nocturnal.

As the pet of a princess your every need will be cared for, but if you plan on getting her to open up you will have your work cut out for you. If you can manage it, however, you stand to gain her undying loyalty as one of her very few friends. Good luck~

“As I was saying,” Celestia continued, turning toward Fluttershy, “We—“

“I have decided to keep Dirk,” Luna announced resolutely. “Discord, Fluttershy, thank you for the heartfelt gift, I have not had a pet in… some time,” she explained, looking away, “Having one again will be… nice,” she finished with a smile.

Celestia beamed at her sister, but it paled in comparison to the look of overflowing pride and joy Fluttershy was giving Discord, causing him to blush. Dirk wasn’t sure he’d ever seen the draconequus so flustered and made a mental note to give him a hard time about it later.

“After discussing it with Discord and Luna, and having seen this creature’s gentle nature for myself, I believe he will make a fine pet,” Celestia agreed, “However, I would like for you to assist in determining what needs the creature has, Fluttershy, and teaching my sister to care for it. As Discord has informed us, this creature is not native to Equestria, or even this world, and may have complications we are unaware of.”

“Absolutely!” the pegasus answered with a hop into the air. She flew over to Dirk and Luna and gave them both a hug. “I just know you two will be best friends, Princess. And Discord?” she said, looking to her unlikely companion with an uncharacteristic look of…

“Er, yes Flutterbutter?” The spirit of chaos asked nervously.

She flew up to him and planted a long kiss right on his lips before whispering in his ear. Whatever it was caused his eyes to bulge and he stammered out an incoherent reply as his face turned bright red.

Her friends’ jaws dropped, and even the princesses looked shocked.

(“Damn, looks like someone is getting laid”), Dirk said in a flat tone.

Fluttershy stiffened at the analysis only she could understand, and her wings snapped shut, causing her to plummet six feet to the ground with a loud smack of hooves on stone. She turned to her friends with a sheepish smile, and when she saw the looks on her friends' faces she hid behind her long mane with a faint eep.

Celestia cleared her throat.

“Ahem, well, I would like if you could stay here in the castle for the next three days, we can arrange for your animals to be taken care of in your stead, or arrange for transportation there and back if you desire. I will arrange for Dirk to be seen by a specialist tomorrow to see what they can discover about his unique biology and whether he will require any sort of vaccinations or special care here, but I would like you to use your talent with animals to provide him a bit of training. It’s clear he is not comfortable around magic, and it is important he learn proper behavior in the castle and around other ponies so there are no accidents.”

Dirk looked at her in irritation.

Bitch I ain’t gon piss on tha damn carpet, sheeeeit.

As soon as the silly thought crossed his mind Dirk was met with a harsh reality.

Shit, maybe I am. Fuck, how do I take a piss? Where do I take a piss? Guess I can just… ask Fluttershy to take me… to piss… I can’t fucking wait to be ‘trained’ to use a goddamn toilet.

…

Wait… do they even have toilets?

Dirk looked at the complete lack of clothing on the quadrupedal and very horse-like beings around him and broke into a cold sweat.

(“Uh, Flutter—”)

“O-Oh, yes, um, right I will… I can…” Fluttershy mumbled, trying and failing to overcome her previous embarrassment. She took a deep breath and continued, still hiding an eye behind her mane but managing to reply with a hesitant smile “I can do that Princess. Um, I know he doesn’t have a place to sleep yet and Princess Luna has her duties, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to leave him alone tonight,” she said.

“I’d almost forgotten,” Luna said in a downcast tone, “What would you propose I do, then?” she asked honestly.

“Oh, well I know you are busy and weren’t expecting to have a pet so suddenly, um, I think it would be good if he got to socialize a bit with ponies so he sees we aren’t scary and, well, I was thinking he could stay with me for the night?”

“Very well,” Luna acknowledged, “I shall trust you to help him feel comfortable and well cared for.” As she said the words she sounded a bit sad.

“Don’t worry, Princess, I’m sure tomorrow there will be plenty of time for the two of you to get to know each other!”

(“Fluttershy, I—“)

“Are you sure you will be okay alone with it?” Rainbow Dash asked her fellow pegasus, “I mean, I know you’re you and all but shouldn’t one of us be there in case it, you know…”

The rainbow-maned pegasus rubbed the back of her head with a hoof looking for the right words.

Dirk huffed at the interruption and decided to wait for a more opportune moment to broach his subject with her.

“OH! We could have a welcome to your new home and first day as Princess Luna’s pet sleepover!” Pinkie Pie shouted with a bounce.

“Think of all the things we could learn about it!” Twilight added to the idea, “Oh, I can’t wait, I wonder what kind of magic it has. It could be a whole new branch entirely if it comes from another world! Oh, and what about its cellular structure? How does it re—,”

“I would ask that you hold your experiments for now, Twilight,” Celestia said with a stern look. “I know how much you may be eager to learn, but it is a living being first and foremost. You may accompany him to the specialist tomorrow, but I ask that you refrain from any invasive tests until he is well and truly comfortable around ponies, and magic in general. You may recall how he reacted to levitation?”

Twilight hung her head.

“Sorry.”

“Well, I suppose we could keep the dear company tonight,” Rarity said, though she didn’t sound particularly enthused by it.

“Fine by me, I s’pose,” Applejack added with a shrug.

Fluttershy walked back over to Dirk and Luna.

“Well, maybe we should ask what he wants,” she said. “Dirk, I know all this is scary for you but Princess Luna here would like to take care of you from now on as your new owner. Does that sound like something you would like?” she asked softly.

Luna and Celestia looked taken aback by her request for permission and wore thoughtful looks. Dirk looked at Luna and back to the small yellow pegasus.

(“The big blue one?”), he chirped.

“Yes, her name is Luna and she will take care of you and feed you and give you a safe place to sleep,” Fluttershy explained in simpler terms.

Dirk took a moment to choose his words.

(“Moon wants me to be in pack?”) He pretended to consider her offer. (“She will protect me and give food? Ok, Moon can be leader, but don’t want to be hurt by horn light anymore”), he added with a chuff. He had to hold back a smile at his fake primitive speech and realized he would have to be careful to maintain it for a while, at least around Fluttershy.

“Oh, it’s actually, um, Luna, but I guess that is a nice name too,” she said with a giggle.

“What did he call us?” Luna asked in curiosity.

“Oh, he called you ‘Moon’, but I’m sure he will learn your name soon, he seems very intelligent,” she explained.

Luna blinked.

“Moon,” she said with a nod, “Tis a fitting name, I will allow it.”

“Oh, but um, right now Luna, or ‘Moon’ has to, um, do important leader stuff and she can’t spend the night with you,” Fluttershy continued, “Instead would you like to sleep with me and my friends?”

She wore a hopeful smile, and Dirk seriously considered what she was asking. He looked over the colorful ponies with various anticipatory looks.

(“I don’t like the purple one”), he grunted, (“She is stinky and her horn light doesn’t feel good. The blue flying one is being aggressive, I don’t want to sleep near her. The pink one is… scary.”)

“Oh, well, that’s ok, we can just share a room with Rarity and Applejack then, is that alright?”

“Wait, what’s wrong with US?” Twilight exclaimed.

“Oh, well, I’m sure he just needs to get to know you better,” she said on his behalf.

“I get why he doesn’t like Twilight and Pinkie, but what’s wrong with me?” Rainbow whined.

“Hey!” the two accused cried in tandem.

“Oh, um, he… said you were being just a tad bit aggressive.”

“I am NOT aggressive!” She shouted, flying closer to them with her forelegs spread.

“Ya kinda are,” Applejack commented. Rainbow groaned and threw her hooves up but didn’t push the issue.

“Well, do you think he would ever be willing to come to one of our pet playdates at least?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

“I’m sure once he is all settled in his new home he will be happy to meet all our pets,” she assured the pink mare.

Celestia let out a yawn.

“Well, I trust you have it under control, Fluttershy, and thank you for lending your expertise. Luna,” she said turning to her sister, “I hope you had a great birthday and the rest of your night is pleasant, I really must be getting to bed soon, but we can speak more in the morning.”

Luna stepped over and wrapped her sister in a hug.

“It was the best birthday, Tia, thank you so, so much.”

As they released each other and Celestia turned to leave Dirk stepped forward and caught her in his own hug.

Couldn’t hurt to get in good with her while I’m at it.

“Oh! Ah, thank you Dirk,” the white alicorn said in surprise before giving him a playful grin, “Take good care of my sister, understood?”

He released her and stepped back toward Fluttershy, and the princess of the sun took her leave.

“I must be getting to my own duties, unfortunately,” Luna said with a re-application of her regal mask. “I trust you six know where to find your accommodations? Is there anything I can have brought for Dirk?”

“I’m sure he will be fine for the night, Princess,” Fluttershy told her.

Luna nodded and looked back around the room and the assembled mares, letting her mask drop again.

“Thank you, girls, from the bottom of my heart,” she said quietly, “I… it has been difficult returning to my position in an age where my name was all but legend until recently. It’s… good to have friends again,” she trailed off into a mutter.

Before the six smaller ponies could respond she turned and opened the door to leave. She spoke briefly with her two guards at the door and they peered into the room, eyes widening upon spying him before giving the princess a nod.

And with that, the last remaining princess was gone.

“Well, it’s been a hoot, but I’ve got beauty sleep to catch up on,” Discord said after finally coming out of his yellow-pegasus-induced stupor and reminding everyone he was, in fact, still present among the balloons on the ceiling.

Before he could go, Dirk shot him a meaningful look and raised a fist with his thumb and pinkie extended. Discord rolled his eyes and with a snap of his claw, disappeared.

“I reckon we ought to be hitting the hay soon too,” Applejack said with a yawn, “The rest of us have a train to catch in the mornin’”

(“Fluttershy”), Dirk squeaked, squatting down to her level to speak quietly in her ear.

“Oh, what is it?”

(“I really need to pee.”)

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Two sets of hoofsteps and one set of unprotected feet on stone echoed down the corridor as they returned to one of the rooms the mares were staying in. Dirk was still rather uncomfortable with what had taken place. It wasn’t the first time he’d had to pee in a bush outside, but it was the first time doing so while two ponies stood nearby waiting for him to finish. What really threw him off, however, was when his hands went to zip up the pants he wasn’t wearing, leaving him feeling like the ritual was incomplete and knowing it never truly would be.

Their tagalong was one of the guards by the door Luna had spoken to, yet another breed of pony with bat wings and slitted pupils. He was evidently under orders to keep her new human pet safe, and Dirk wasn’t sure whether to feel protected or contained. Still, he seemed to be taking Luna’s word as law and wasn’t overly concerned with the strange creature he was guarding.

The corridors of the castle were far more open than he imagined, less like medieval halls and more like palatial thoroughfares. Ornate pillars and massive windows lined the halls, with plenty of that-looks-expensive-I-guess vases and paintings on display. The smooth stone floor was polished to an immaculate shine, but all he could think about has how much he missed wearing shoes every time his feet slapped against the unforgiving surface.

Discord had certainly set him up for an opulent five years here, so much so that he was beginning to become suspicious. He’d suspected the shit was in the process of hitting the fan after he’d broken his nose, but after that was quickly remedied and his position secured, he was beginning to wonder:

Where was the catch?

Where was the giant wheel of cheese or the midget biker gang? Where was the goldfish tornado or the body-switching bathroom or the broken PA system the plays Smash Mouth nonstop at all hours of the day?

He was pulled out of his reverie when the guard following them stepped forward to take his place by another in front of a door, and Fluttershy continued on to open it. He followed her in and took note of the room.

True to his request, Applejack and Rarity were the only others present, both sitting on their beds gabbing away until they heard the two of them enter. Rarity eyed him with hesitation, while Applejack seemed unconcerned but curious.

He looked between the two ponies and Fluttershy, going over his mental priorities and considering their backgrounds and personalities. After assembling a short list of objectives for the night, he put on a devilish smile.

Think you’re so funny, hmm Discord? Think I’m going to suffer for months as I adjust, do you? Fuck that, time for speedrun strats.

✱  ✱  ✱

Applejack looked over the strange creature Discord dragged in for the princess’ birthday. It was certainly tall and more than a little funny-looking, but she didn’t get what all the fuss was about. Other than getting a little spooked the critter had been well behaved.

Hay, even Winnona’d have been more difficult to control with all that excitement, probably has a meaner bite too.

Rarity was using her professional courtesy face, but she knew the prim pony was more than a little leery around it. Then again, she never was much of an animal pony to begin with, and a big fella like Dirk was a lot of animal.

And then the creature bared its teeth in a strange way and she stiffened.

She’d assumed it was some sort of prey creature going by its lack of sharp claws, but the small little canines at the corners of his mouth said differently. On top of that, the took he was giving her was unsettling, like he was sizing her up for his next meal. His long legs bent at the knee and Applejack had a sinking feeling.

Maybe Dash was right…

“F-Fluttershy he doesn’t look too friendly right now,” she warned the animal expert.

“Perhaps we should…“ Rarity began, edging away from him.

Fluttershy looked up at the creature and then smiled back at them.

“Oh, he’s just excited,” she said with certainty, “Though barring teeth is a common sign of aggression in many animals, I think it might be different for humans, he doesn’t seem aggressive at all,”

“Ya think or ya know?” Applejack pressed, keeping her eyes on him.

Fluttershy didn’t get a chance to answer, as the creature strode straight for her. Its long gait and the way it seemed to lean toward her as it moved were uncanny. With each step she was more aware of how he towered over them, and she stood up on the bed out of instinct.

“Y’all stay right there now, ya hear?” she warned it, hoping either her tone or posture would get it to back off. Even standing on the low bed the creature stood a head above her, and her warning had no effect as the human lifted its forelegs toward her and showed even more teeth. She began twisting into bucking position, but her hooves caught on the blanket, nearly tripping her.

“Wait, Applejack, he’s just—“

Her eyes widened as it pounced the rest of the way towards her, grabbing her up in its long arms as they rolled sideways onto the bed with a heavy whump. Rarity shrieked and threw a couple of pillows at him, but only landed a glancing and pointless blow that the creature ignored. It may have been big, but she was strong. She wiggled a hoof free and made to strike her attacker when…

… she realized Dirk was rubbing his cheek against her neck and holding her gently with both of its forelegs around her barrel. She lay there frozen, completely confused by what’d just happened.

“Uh, Fluttershy?” she managed to say in a low tone.

“Well, if you would have listened, I was trying to tell you he was only playing,” the pegasus explained with the tiniest bit of irritation.

“That is hardly playing,” Rarity complained, attempting to look like she hadn’t just been fearful for her friend’s well-being with a flip of her mane.

Dirk made a weird grumbling chortle and Fluttershy translated.

“And he says thank you for… protecting him from, uh, Rainbow Dash? Dirk, I know Rainbow was a teensy bit protective, but she wouldn’t do something like that,” she chided the human.

Applejack realized she wouldn’t have seen when that hothead was ready to go hoof-to-hoof with the human to ‘save’ Fluttershy from its hug.

“Well I’ll be,” she muttered.

Here I am doin’ the same thing. Guess I shoulda trusted Shy all along. May not understand it but that mare has some sorta gift, that’s for sure. S’pose I owe it to him to give him a fair chance, seems like a mighty bright critter and he hasn’t so much as hurt a hair on anypony’s head.

“It ain’t any trouble,” she said in response, even if the human wouldn’t understand, “If you have any problems with that mare, you can count on me to set her straight.”

Dirk let out a low hum in response while he cradled her from behind and Applejack felt the gentleness in its touch. It was a big thing but it sure knew how to be sweet…

Matter of fact, this is gettin’ relaxing. Land sakes, if I could find a stallion willing to–

She was shocked out of that thought by something strange tickling the side of her ear. She flicked them away and twisted her head to look back at him. The human wore a goofy innocent look on his face and had his short tongue sticking out of his lips.

“What in tarnation…”

The human leaned in again and gently licked the tip of her other ear, causing the country mare to snort and shake her head away as her ears flicked restlessly. The human pulled his head back and look at her in curiosity. Applejack gave him an irritated glare…

Which was clearly the wrong response, as the human barred its teeth again, made a choking sort of bark, and its forelegs tightened around her barrel.

“Oh no ya don’t, ya–PFFTT-hahahaaaa,” she tried to get out but the human followed her twisting head and nipped at the tips of her ears as she desperately tried to flick them out of his reach while giggling. She managed to get a hoof under his forelegs and push them off, though as soon as she applied force the creature seemed to just let her go free.

She rolled to the side and stood on the bed in a ready stance, panting from her laughter, but the human seemed content with his antics and sat up in a strange way, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his forelegs around them.

A squee came from the yellow pegasus as she fluttered off the ground with sparkling eyes.

“Oh, Isn’t he just the sweetest?” Fluttershy gushed with her forehooves pressed together.

“He certainly is… lively,” Rarity said diplomatically, sitting on the edge of her bed as far from him as she could get.

“Phew, he’s a playful one, I’ll give him that,” Applejack said, sitting on the bed next to him and reaching up a hoof to pet his mane. The human gave her a strange look but tilted his head down to give her better access. “He ain’t like any pet I’ve ever seen. Kinda seems like a whole buncha pets all rolled into one with all the different sounds he makes.”

“Oh, you may be right,” Fluttershy said flying over and sitting on Applejack’s bed alongside them, ”He may be mimicking the sounds and behaviors of other animals he’s seen before. There are lots of animals that mimic others for survival or to get attention, I really should ask Discord more about him.”

“I hate to be a wet blanket,” Rarity piped up, “But are you sure this is a good pet for a princess? I’m sure Princess Luna has a lot on her plate, and she doesn’t strike me as the… playful type.”

“She seemed all set to take care of him after that talk those three had,” Applejack offered, “‘Sides, seeing the way she was tonight, I think Discord and Shy were right on the money with a pet. After our parents passed, well, our house just wasn’t the same. We got Winnona soon after, said it was for Applebloom but honestly I think just havin’ her around helped me an’ Mac more than anypony. Kinda hard to stay sad with a puppy bouncing around. I ain’t sayin’ it’s the same, but she has had it rough.”

“I’m just saying that perhaps a more elegant pet would be better?” she persisted. “I don’t want to point hooves, but this is Discord we are talking about. Surely he has some other motive for choosing a, er, human?”

“I know he’s made some bad choices in the past, but I think Discord really is trying to be a good friend,” Fluttershy asserted, “We… we’ve had a lot of talks about stuff like why he is always causing trouble,” she said, looking down to draw circles in the sheets with her hoof, “And I think he really does want to do better. And it isn’t always bad when he makes chaos,” she admitted, “Once you get to know him he can be fun, and silly, and kind, and… and…”

The pegasus covered the rapidly forming blush on her face with a wing, while Applejack and Rarity shared a look.

Dirk chose that moment to chime in with a series of chirps directed toward Rarity, getting Fluttershy’s attention.

“Oh, she doesn’t dislike you,” Fluttershy said, instantly recovering, “The just thinks you are… a little bit too, um, excitable is all.”

The human snorted and looked back to the white unicorn on her side of the room. Rarity gave him a strained smile. He suddenly scooted off the bed and stood up, walking straight toward her, though without his earlier playful menace.

“Ah, no that’s quite alright, Dirk, I am not in the mood for rough-housing,” Rarity said curtly, keeping wary eyes on him as he approached.

“You aren’t ever in that mood,” Applejack deadpanned.

“Which is why… oh dear.”

She stopped when the human sat in the middle of her bed, pulling its legs in to cross one another in a way that looked just plain wrong to the earth pony, though Dirk didn’t seem to mind. He turned to Rarity and meowed, actually MEOWED at her, causing both non-animal-understanding ponies to tilt their heads.

“Oh, right,” Fluttershy said, realizing she was the only one who understood, “He wants you to lay with your head across his rear legs, Rarity.”

“I think I will pass, if it is all the same to him,” Rarity deflected, “Though I’m flattered by the offer.”

She did not look flattered by the offer.

“Oh, c’mon Rares, he ain’t gonna hurt you.”

“Oh, it’s okay if you don’t want to Rarity, not everypony is comfortable around large animals and that’s perfectly fine. Dirk, Rarity doesn’t want to play right now, so could you–“ Dirk growled. “Oh, well, I can ask but if she says no you have to get off her bed mister,” she said sternly.

“Dare I ask?” Rarity asked with trepidation.

“Well, Dirk says he wants to show you he can be calm and gentle too, and that he won’t be rough with you, but if you really don’t want to I will tell him to stop.”

“Awww, how can ya say no to that Rares? He’s just a poor innocent lil’ critter that wants to show you some love~,” Applejack added in a saccharine tone, verbalizing what she knew was probably going through Fluttershy’s head and trying not to burst out laughing.

Rarity looked at the poorly concealed look of hope on Fluttershy’s face then at the smug grin on Applejack’s, letting out a sigh of defeat.

“I’ll get you for this, Applejack,” she muttered darkly, turning to the human sitting on her bed with a strained smile. “Why hello there, Dirk. I notice we have yet to be properly introduced,” she said in her I’m-forced-to-be-polite voice, “I’m, ah, Rarity, and I understand you wanted to… what did you want?”

The human looked at her with a neutral expression and pat his thigh with a paw.

“Right,” Rarity acknowledged with a grimace.

She carefully stepped toward him and lowered herself to her belly before carefully lowering her head toward his lap while keeping an eye on him. The human made a clicking sound with its tongue and brought a paw to push her down the rest of the way, causing the unicorn to stiffen and let out a muffled whine. He guided her head so that her horn and neck were laying across his legs on either side, with her muzzle resting on the crossed part of his lower legs.

Rarity looked up at the creature’s face and watched as it brought a paw to her head.

“Are you quite sure he understands…”

She stopped talking once Dirk began his ministrations. The human used one slender paw to comb through her mane and gently massage her scalp, while the other gently stroked the fur along her neck and jaw. Rarity’s eyes drooped lazily as a faint smile took hold of her lips.

“Oh… my.”

Her body relaxed and she allowed herself to flop onto her side so her neck wasn’t turned at an awkward angle, and the human scooped her under the forelegs to bring her closer. He continued combing her hair with his paws, massaging her neck, and occasionally running a digit around the base of her ears. He looked rather pleased with the effect he was having on the unicorn, if Applejack had to guess.

Rarity’s closed her eyes and hummed to herself.

“You neglected to mention how soft his claws were, Applejack,” she said, “My word, it almost feels as if I’m being treated at the spa. I had my doubts, but with a bit of training… a mare could get used to this.”

Applejack had a brief moment of jealousy until something unexpected happened.

While Rarity had her eyes closed in contentment, the human lifted a finger toward the unicorn’s horn. Applejack’s eyes widened and Fluttershy sucked in air to say something but it was too late. The curious human took the tip of one digit and gently ran it down her horn from tip to base. Rarity’s eyes shot open and her nostrils flared.

“Wa-HA!” she cried, “L-Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, darling,” the normally graceful unicorn stammered with a blush.

The human pulled back his hands and held them by his shoulders and Rarity took the opportunity to get out of his clutches in the worst way possible. She quickly rolled her whole body to the side to get her hooves under her, but in the process turned her head such that her muzzle slipped off his crossed lower legs and smacked straight into his…

Dirk let out a small yelp that only scared Rarity further, causing her to scramble away from him and flop off her bed, rolling on the floor once before coming to her hooves.

Fluttershy darted over to him protectively, but he gave her a soft whistle and a raised paw that eased her nerves. Meanwhile, Applejack looked over to the normally white unicorn and saw her entire face lighting up red. Her jaw hung open and her eyes were pinpricks. A hoof slowly came up to touch the side of her face.

“Uh, Rarity? You alright sugarcube?” Applejack asked.

Rarity turned to her friend and fixed her with a haunted look.

“I… I touched it,” she whimpered, “W-With my face…”

Applejack took a few seconds to process what she was getting at, looking to Dirk and back to her. Then it clicked. Applejack bit her lip and covered her mouth with both hooves trying to hold in her laughter but the absurdity was too much.

“BWAA-hahaha!”

The orange earth pony rolled onto her back and kicked her legs laughing.

“This is HARDLY a laughing matter!” Rarity snapped, tears forming in her eyes.

Applejack bit back snickers and wiped a different sort of tear from her own eye.

“Ya’ll went and smacked him right in tha family fruit?!” she howled, “Poor thing is gonna be walkin’ all kinds of funny for the princess tomorrow.”

“Oh, actually he’s just fine, he was just startled,” Fluttershy spoke up.

“B-But I’M NOT!” Rarity wailed, “I touched his, his… thing with my face!”

“It’s called a penis rarity,” Applejack corrected her as her laughter died down.

“I KNOW WHAT IT’S CALLED,” she hissed at the earth pony, “And now I feel all ICKY. What will ponies think if they find out I touched an animal’s… penis?”

She collapsed to the ground and covered her face with her hooves and let out a self-pitiful moan. Fluttershy scooted off the bed to comfort her.

“Rarity, It really isn’t a big deal,” she said kindly, putting a hoof on her back, “It was an accident and nopony got hurt. Animals don’t always have the same awareness of where their genitals touch. It’s… more common than you might think,” she admitted, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof and looking away with a small blush.

“And you know fillies and colts have all kinds of accidents when they get roughhousing,” Applejack added, “And ain’t nopony blaming them for it, it just happens sometimes. Besides, none of us are gonna tell anypony anyhow, promise.”

Rarity sniffed and raised her head.

“I appreciate the support, really I do, it’s just… I just don’t feel comfortable acting like it didn’t happen,” she complained, then stood to her hooves. “I know it wasn’t his fault, I just… perhaps I should take a moment to wash my face and clear my head,” she sighed, stepping into the bathroom and closing the door. Shortly after the sound of running water was heard.

Fluttershy pawed at the ground and hid the guilty look on her face behind her mane.

“None of this was any of yer fault, Fluttershy,” Applejack said in a low tone, “It was just an honest accident.”

“I should have told him to stop when Rarity was uncomfortable with it. I just really wanted all my friends to see how nice he was, but instead she feels worse about herself,” the pegasus lamented.

Applejack didn’t know what to say to that. In her mind it was a whole lotta nothing, but she knew Rarity had different standards and such. Even if she thought the mare was being over-dramatic, it wasn’t fair to dismiss her feelings like that. Instead, she looked to the human who’d remained silent during it all.

He’d moved to sit on the edge of the bed, hunched over so that the knees on his forelegs rested on the knees of his back legs and had his paws laced together strangely. He rested his chin on his clasped paws and had on an expression she couldn’t even begin to read as he stared at the carpet.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Dirk Elrod felt like a bit of a scumbag.

He was doing so well putting his own nudity out of his mind using the nudity of all the ponies around him as an excuse. If they didn’t care, why should he? Except that this little bit of preventable contact was a big deal to Rarity. If he really was an animal he’d have to agree with Applejack and Fluttershy, but he knew he wasn’t.

Hell, back home just being naked in a room full of chicks he wasn’t about to bang would be seriously frowned upon, but to make contact like he did with someone who didn’t want that kind of contact, even if it wasn’t his fault?

He’d be in jail.

Still, he had to remind himself he wasn’t back home. Nudity was the norm, though obviously contact wasn’t — thank god for that. He was an animal as far as social taboos went, and it wasn’t his fault. At least not entirely. He knew he probably could have been more conscientious about his positioning, but he didn’t foresee this particular string of events.

At least he knew he hadn’t managed to escape his bad luck when he came to this world. Still, if there was a silver lining to all this it was that he could use it to move up the timetable on Operation: Coverup.

But how to trigger that event? It’s not like I can just ask Fluttershy for pants, what animal has the awareness to recognize this was a social taboo and that pants would fix the problem. Rarity might already be thinking along those lines given her squeamishness, but she’s probably not in the state of mind to help right now. And if even princesses go nude, wouldn’t her friends think her weird for suggesting an animal wear clothes? In that case, what animal-like reasoning can I fabricate for wanting something to cover my junk?

And then he had a brilliant idea.

✱  ✱  ✱

Applejack saw the human sit up suddenly, eyes bright and attentive. He glanced over at her, then at the still moping Fluttershy. Dirk stood up and strode toward her before kneeling down to take her in a hug and began chittering quietly to her.

What must be goin’ through his head, I wonder. Hopefully he ain’t afraid of Rarity after this, the two of them were really hitting it off.

“Oh, I-I’m okay,” Fluttershy reassured the human with a smile, “But, well, are you okay? Rarity didn’t mean to startle you like that or, um, touch your penis,” she mumbled, “Please don’t be afraid of her, she just… isn’t used to, um, big animals like you.”

Dirk made a purring noise deep in his chest.

“Oh, I’m so glad,” Fluttershy said with a bit more pep, “I know today has been really scary for you, but you are behaving really well! I’m sure Rarity will come around eventually, she just needs some space for now. Tomorrow you will be going to the doctor and spending more time with Princess Luna, your owner.”

He cawed like a crow, motioning toward her flank with a paw.

How in tarnation does he make all them noises? Shoot, if I hadn’t seen it myself I’d swear there was a real crow in here with us. Guess something was bound to be a little strange if Discord is involved, but I’m glad it’s just the sounds he makes. I HOPE it’s just the sounds he makes…

“Oh, my cutie mark? It’s something ponies get when we realize our special talent.”

Dirk tilted his head and croaked.

“Oh, well, one day when a pony learns what they are good at or something that is important to them, a special kind of magic takes hold and reveals their cutie mark, it’s just a part of who we are.”

The human reached out and touched the butterflies on her flank with a paw, which Fluttershy allowed patiently. After several moments tracing the edges of the marks with one of his blunt claw things, he tilted his head back and whinnied.

Like a pony. Or, well, almost like a pony. There was something… unsettling about that noise, something that made Applejacks brain itch, but she couldn’t quite put a hoof on it. Both her and Fluttershy flinched when they heard it, but the pegasus recovered admirably.

“I think only ponies get them, Dirk, but we still know you are special in–“

He snorted and nickered at her, and Applejack tilted her head with a frown as her ears flicked.

“Oh, that’s… sweet?” Fluttershy replied with a bit of confusion, “I suppose we could ask the princess tomorrow, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea, cutie marks are special and unique to each pony.”

He whined like a sad puppy at that news, whatever it was, and flopped over onto the floor in a heap.

“N-Now mister, you will just have to be patient,” Fluttershy said with a stamp of a hoof and a stern look, but her long-time friend could see all the signs of the kind mare’s will breaking.

Evidently so did Dirk, because he doubled down on the whining and curled up into a ball while giving her his best puppy dog look.

“Ohhh~,” Fluttershy moaned while biting her lip and shifting on her hooves, “O-Okay, we will, um, find something?” She didn’t sound too sure. “Maybe Rarity will–“

The door to the bathroom open and Rarity emerged from the bathroom with a complicated look. She looked to her two friends and then to Dirk on the ground and winced before letting out a heavy breath.

“You… truly don’t think it was that big of a deal?” She asked, looking between Applejack and Fluttershy.

Applejack jumped off her bed and wrapped a foreleg around her friend’s withers.

“It was about a big a deal as fallin’ in the mud, sugarcube,” the earth pony said confidently, causing Rarity to blanch. “My point exactly. I know you take those sorta things more serious than most ponies, but none of us think any less of you when they happen, ‘side from a laugh or two. Any hoity-toity ponies who wanna think any different haven’t had it happen to them, and they won’t ever hear about it from us.”

“When I first got my cutie mark, I was the same way Rarity,” Fluttershy added, “I was still shy around animals, and when I made a mistake I thought they would get angry at me and I would lose the only ones I could talk to. When I realized that they really didn’t care very much because they knew I meant well, I thought it was just animals that would accept me without judgment. When I met you girls, I realized that I just needed to find friends that understood me like you all do,” she finished, coming up to Rarity’s other side and nuzzling her.

“Oh girls,” Rarity said, “I… I really have been silly haven’t I?” Rarity looked to the human where he still lay on the floor with a look of concern. “And I’ve been dreadful to you as well, Dirk,” she admitted.

“He knows you didn’t mean it Rarity,” Fluttershy said.

“That is no excuse for how I acted,” she responded stubbornly, turning to the human. “Dirk, I know you can’t understand me, but I apologize for, well, for touching you in a way I shouldn’t have, even if it was an accident. I suppose I’ve been treating you like a dangerous animal knowing you came from Discord. Will you forgive me?”

Fluttershy opened her mouth to translate, but the human rolled to his feet and kneeled in front of her, looking her in the eye. After a brief moment, Dirk leaned in and licked the tip of her nose, causing the unicorn to recoil just a bit and scrunch her muzzle.

“Dirk really is smart, Rarity,” Fluttershy giggled, “He probably understands more than we think.”

Rarity looked like a weight was lifted off her withers.

“If there is anything I can do to help Dirk or Princess Luna, just let me know,” she said to her friend, causing Fluttershy to gasp.

“Actually there IS something you can do! Dirk asked me about cutie marks and decided he really wants to have Luna’s cutie mark on his flanks because he sees her as the alpha of his pack and wants a way for other animals and ponies to know it,” she explained. “I wasn’t sure how that would work because I don’t think humans get cutie marks and putting one on with magic is a bad idea, but what if you could make him, um, some sort of cutie mark patches he could wear on his flanks?”

Fluttershy looked hopeful and Dirk stiffened with wide eyes. Rarity considered it carefully, bringing a hoof to her chin.

“I did say anything, darling, but I don’t see how he would wear them. Though… perhaps…”

The fashionista went into deep contemplation while mumbling to herself, and Applejack and Fluttershy shared a look.

“If it’s that important to him, I suppose I can stay in Canterlot for one more day,” she said, “I would need to ask the princess what she thinks, but I may have an idea about that.” Rarity let out a long yawn. “Regardless, It will have to wait for morning. It’s getting late and we could all use sleep after all the excitement today.”

The yawn was contagious, spreading to Applejack and Fluttershy one after the other. Even Dirk seemed affected, and the three ponies and one human settled in for the night, making idle talk until one by one they passed out.

(Meanwhile next door…)

“I’m telling you, they could all be in trouble and waiting for us to rescue them from that crazy THING!” Rainbow shouted, hovering around the room and gesturing wildly with her hooves.

“I know,” Twilight shouted back while pacing circles around the room, parts of her mane sticking out at odd angles, “But Fluttershy said he didn’t want to be around us and I think Princess Luna told the guards not to let us in! UGH! Just THINK about all the natural behaviors we are missing and probably won’t ever get to see again as it interacts with ponies and adapts to us!”

Pinkie Pie was merely standing with her ear pressed against the adjacent wall as if she could hear through four inches of solid stone. Though, she did let out a giggle occasionally…

⥋ DIRK ⥋

It was dark in the room, though Fluttershy left the bathroom light on to allow a bit of illumination from the crack under the door. Fluttershy was nestled against his back breathing steadily in her sleep, the other two in similar states in their own beds.

He looked at the clock but it was too dark to read. It was late, he knew that. He’d waited for the three of them to be all the way asleep so he could finally get a moment to himself. He’d stayed up all last night and slept during the day in preparation for serving a nocturnal princess, and now he had nothing to do but wait. Almost nothing to do, that is.

He carefully eased himself away from Fluttershy and out of the bed, careful not to shift too much of his weight at once. Once he was standing, he looked back to make sure his kind benefactor hadn’t woken up. He crept over to Applejack and Rarity’s beds like a creepy stalker and checked to make sure they were fully asleep as well.

Satisfied, he made his way to the bathroom and slowly opened the door. He knew it was well oiled from earlier, but it never hurt to be careful. Light poured into the room and he hoped it didn’t disturb any of them, and the moment it was open wide enough he slipped through and shut it quietly behind him.

The bathroom was standard fare, assuming you were a three-foot quadruped, with all the installations one would expect. He was relieved to discover they did indeed have toilets, though it wasn’t much of a concern when he saw the sophistication of the castle he was in. It was a bit on the strange side, long and narrow like a Japanese squat toilet and raised a foot or so off the ground, but it would do. Operation: Housebreaker was still underway, though he had hopes he could complete that mission tomorrow.

He made use of it as quietly as he could, unsure when the next opportunity would come and unwilling to subject himself to the great outdoors.

That done, he quietly washed his hands using a trickle of water, then peeked his head out of the bathroom to see if he’d woken any of them with the noise of the flush or the sink.

All clear, time to radio base for a sitrep.

He closed the door again and crept into the far corner near the bath and sat on the ground. He took a deep breath, then made a fist with his right hand before extending the thumb and pinkie. He looked at it and sighed, resigned to the embarrassment of what he was about to do.

He tapped on his middle three knuckles in a specific pattern, then brought his thumb to his ear with the pinkie extending toward his mouth. For nearly ten seconds nothing happened, and he grit his teeth imagining the laugh his landlord must be having at his expense. He was about to give up when a voice emitted from his thumb.

“Testing, testing, one two three,” came the familiar voice, “How goes it, my friend, having fun yet? Cause any mischief? Is the castle up in flames? Give me all the juicy details, I’m dying to know!”

Dirk sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his other hand.

“Hello, Discord,” he said in an unenthusiastic whisper. “Just to be sure, only I can hear you like this, right?”

“Of course, it would give it all away if they could hear my voice on the other end, enchantments or not. So? What do you think? Pretty cushy digs, you have to admit, much better than that near-empty apartment you called home.”

“Yeah, listen Discord, what’s the catch here?”

“Pardon?”

“I mean, what am I missing? You send me into this alternate reality with talking ponies — which are very short, by the way — and just want me to play pet for a princess for five years? Food, lodgings, all my needs met, no responsibility? C’mon Discord, that’s way too tame for one of these jobs. I just assumed the fucked-up part went unspoken like it always is.”

“Well, if you must know, there really isn’t anything in particular set to happen in this case, what you see is what you get. That is the honest truth. I will say that this world has a tendency to experience events you might consider absurd or dangerous or absurdly dangerous at a rate you might consider alarming. If anything, I expect it’s merely a matter of time before you get swept up in such an occurrence and add your own little twist to it. Other than that, enjoy life, my chaotic friend!”

Dirk didn’t know what he thought of that information, but if Discord said it was the truth outright, it likely was.

“I really hate you sometimes,” he said half-heartedly.

“You wouldn’t have me any other way,” Discord countered.

Dirk chuckled.

“So, Rarity slapped my dick with her face today,” he said casually, “It was an accident but she nearly had a life crisis over it. You’d really think a bunch of nudists would be less squeamish.”

There was silence on the other side before the draconequus erupted in laughter, causing Dirk to hold ~~the phone~~ his hand away from his ear until it died down.

“Less than six hours and already making the ladies swoon,” Discord needled him, “Luna had better keep you on a tight leash.”

“Speaking of making the ladies swoon, Fluttershy looked awfully thrilled with you, hmm? I've never seen you blush so hard."

Discord sputtered words he couldn't make out.

"Well it is HARDLY any of your business what me and my special somepony do with each other!"

"Who said you were doing anything together?" Dirk followed with a nasty grin, "I just said she looked thrilled."

"Ugh, was there anything ELSE?" he grumbled.

"Kinda. I guess I'm going to the doctor or the vet tomorrow or some sort of specialist, but I just realized... I'm not going to die if they give me some weird vaccination only meant for creatures here, am I? That goes for food and other stuff too, like, do I need to be fearing for my life?"

"Hmm, well I included a few things in your collar that should take care of any incompatibility, but I don't think any of the foods or medicines here should harm you. You might want to avoid scissors tomorrow though."

"What does that m– oh FUCK THAT! Discord if they try and neuter me I'm out," he hissed.

"Well, I suppose that's all your debt was worth to you then," Discord sighed. "What a shame. Though, if they did try that it would fall under the category of protecting yourself from serious harm."

"Godammit, you don't think they are going to try, do you?" he asked seriously.

"Unlikely, I'd say. There aren't exactly a lot of humans at the human park for you to get frisky with, Fido."

"Oh, fuck off."

"I gladly will if there wasn't anything else you needed from me."

"Nah, just wanted to get in touch, clear some things up and get my head on straight. I’m not sure what my life has come to when I’m using you to ground my sanity, but whatever. I’m telling myself I have this plan and that plan, but honestly I’m just winging it.”

“Plans are overrated anyway. Oh, nice job on that introduction, by the way, a bit messy but I honestly expected more resistance from the princesses. Now, if that’s all you had to chat about, I’m afraid even beings such as myself need sleep, ta-ta!”

There was a click and the line went silent.

“What a dick,” he said quietly to himself.

He leaned his head back against the cool stone wall and sighed.

Plans are all I have...

Operation: Gentle Giant was more or less a success. The differences in size and human body language on top of the collar's enchantments meant he had to establish himself as strange but harmless as soon as possible. With Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy in his corner, he could swing the opinions of the others.

I still need the support of at least some of the castle staff, though. Maybe I'll see who is on pet-guard duty tomorrow and butter them up with the goofball charm. Soldiers gossip, after all. Winning over a few of them might net me the whole lot.

Operation: Coverup was promising. Rarity sounded like she was on the right track of thinking, but he couldn't really steer any harder on that one.

If that fails, though, I can just go commando for a while longer and come up with another gambit. It's not time-critical but it would be nice.

Operation: Housebreaker still needed some work. He confirmed that toilets were a thing, but had yet to invent a scenario that would trigger Fluttershy or whoever to try having him use one. Well... not without considerable... embarrassment, of course.

I might have to bite the bullet and just go for broke on one of those scenarios. Ah well, I'll worry about that in the morning.

He stood up and stretched out his back before making his way back to the door. After a careful peek into the room he slipped back inside and closed the door behind him. He wasn’t all that tired, but there wasn’t much he could do assuming the guards were still posted outside. They may have been ordered to keep him safe, but there was no telling how they would interpret that.

He looked around the room and spotted Applejack’s hat on the nightstand next to her bed. Walking silently over, he lifted it and put it on his head.

It fit rather well.

He was about to put it back when he glanced across the room. He tip-toed over to Rarity’s bed and carefully tucked the hat in next to her. That done he went back to where Fluttershy was sound asleep. He performed the delicate operation from before in reverse, gently lowering his weight onto the mattress and scooting back against her as he had been. He held still for a minute to see if she’d woken, but only felt her soft wing shift against his back.

Welp, might as well get a few hours of sleep.

Author's Note

Damn... I've been trying to approach 5000 words per chapter, but I just start writing and the words keep piling up! I'm actually kinda worried. I have things I want to do with this story, but at this rate I might be writing for all eternity.

No such thing as a free lunch

“DAGNABIT, RARITY! What in tha blazes are you crushin’ my hat for?”

Dirk jolted from sleep at the shout, sitting up as his heartbeat in his chest. He looked around wildly at the threat, spying Applejack looming over the unicorn in her bed as she also fought to regain her wits.

“Huh, wha?” she mumbled intelligently, looking around to find what had woken her with unfocused eyes.

As soon as Dirk realized what had happened he groaned, hanging his head in his hands while swinging his legs over to sit on the edge of the bed. He slipped a few fingers under his collar to rub at a spot where it sat on his neck weird. The inner lining was silk but he was still getting used to the sensation of wearing it nonstop. He could feel Fluttershy shifting uneasily as well, though not as violently as himself.

Fucking terrible idea.

“Y’all went and took muh dang hat to bed and crushed the daylights outta it!” Applejack continued shouting, pulling the hat out from under the unicorn for her to see.

Rarity looked at it with utter confusion as her tired mind tried to process what was being said.

“I-I-I… what?” She said, looking around her covers, then back to Applejack and her slightly deformed hat. “I don’t think… I really don’t remember that at all.”

“Well ya did,” Applejack grouched, using a hoof to straighten out the creases on the side before putting it on her head and walking toward the door.

“Applejack, wait,” Rarity managed, “I truly didn’t mean it if I did, I know how much it means to you,” she said.

Applejack stopped at the door with a hoof on the handle and let out a sigh.

“I… I know ya wouldn’t’ve done it on purpose, I just… need to cool my head,” she said, then opened the door and walked out of the room.

Shit. I fucked up. Wasn’t even that funny.

“Wha- what’s happening,” Fluttershy murmured.

(“Nothin’, Rarity took Applejack’s ha- head thing”), he said.

“Oh… what time is it?” she grumbled.

Dirk didn’t answer.

He felt like shit. He’d only gotten a few hours of sleep and evidently got jolted out of it at the worst part of his sleep cycle. His body and mind were still sluggish and disoriented, but his heart was coming down out of its panic mode, making him feel like an old car that’d just gotten cold-started and immediately pushed to sixty. His eyes stung and he felt nauseous, realizing he hadn’t eaten in over twelve hours.

He looked over at the poor white unicorn staring silently at the floor and stood with a groan. He shambled over to her and sat heavily on the edge of her bed, causing her to start. She looked at him with a bit of residual discomfort, but he wrapped an arm around her in a side hug and pulled her head to his chest.

(“Not your fault”), he squeaked quietly so Fluttershy couldn’t hear, (“It was mine. Sorry about that.”)

He knew she wouldn’t understand, but that never stopped dogs and cats from comforting humans when they were stressed. The unicorn relaxed and nuzzled his side briefly before pulling away and looking him in the eyes.

“I don’t know how I ever thought you were a dangerous beast, Dirk, you truly have been a sweetheart.”

(“I try”), he croaked, looking over at Fluttershy who was stretching her wings and legs. (“Damn, I could really use some coffee…”)

His blood ran cold.

You don’t give coffee to animals. You specifically avoid giving coffee to animals. He wouldn’t be getting any coffee, not without sneaking it, anyway.

There was a knock at the door and Fluttershy stumbled over to open it. When she did, one of the guards poked his head in the room.

“The princesses request that you join them for breakfast, along with her majesty’s pet,” he announced, “Same dining hall as yesterday.”

“Oh, thank you,” the pegasus said, “We’ll be right there.”

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Dirk kept his eyes peeled as they walked to the dining hall, paying attention to the layout of the castle along the way rather than the decorations. They were once again escorted by the guards from the door, though these ones gave him several leery looks along the way despite being identical to the first two, both with bat wings, slitted pupils, and matching fur.

Okay, the princesses must have a rather successful cloning program, fuck if it isn’t creepy as hell, though. How are they supposed to tell each other apart? Do they have some sort of hive mind? Nah that’s dumb. Magic? I mean, why not?

Despite the guards’ cold reception, he took the time to veer toward one as they walked to tickle his fluffy ear, much to the guard’s displeasure as he kept glaring at him and trying to swat him away with a wing. His partner, on the other hand, thought it hilarious as he fought to maintain his stoic mask.

Dirk wondered if Fluttershy was humoring his mischief by not saying anything, but she definitely saw what he was doing.

It was short-lived fun, however, as they reached the same room Luna’s birthday was held in last night. The two guards took up posts beside the two non-bat guards already posted outside the door, these two also identical in their own right, and the girls and him went inside.

The room had been completely cleaned of its decorations and was now held just a simple elegant dining table that could seat maybe a dozen. All along the center of the table were several small silver serving trays with semi-spherical covers, two set to the side with a band of thin red tape keeping them sealed. Three larger trays were already uncovered and held a number of breakfast options in continental style for the ponies to choose from.

At the head of the long table sat Celestia herself, casually enjoying tea while reading a newspaper. Dirk had been far too preoccupied with his immediate concerns last night to properly appreciate the solar princess, but now noticed the strange way her mane and tail billowed behind her like she was in a perpetual hair-care commercial.

Twilight sat next to her, destroying an omelet and orange juice like a kid that knows they are about to go to an amusement park. When she spotted him her eyes sparkled.

…Please tell me that’s not because Celestia promised her she could come watch me at the doctor’s office.

“Fluttershy, Rarity, I trust you slept well,” their diarch greeted them. “Will you not be returning with the others, Rarity?”

“I had something to speak with Princess Luna about, actually, though I may be returning afterward.”

“My sister should be along shortly. How was Dirk last night, Fluttershy?”

“Oh, he was an absolute angel,” Fluttershy gushed. “He was so well behaved and didn’t make a mess and was gentle and sweet and patient with Rarity and Applejack. I’m so proud of Discord for finding him!”

Celestia considered her words with a thoughtful look, glancing over at Dirk who was making his way around the table like a shambling zombie while eyeing her tea set, keeping to the side opposite Twilight for good measure.

“I am of a similar opinion, actually. I’m still getting used to the new Discord, but I find him much more tolerable these days.”

Fluttershy was about to follow up on her statement when she gasped.

“OH, not that I am in a hurry but, I do need to tend to my animals this morning, Princess, do you think Dirk can be looked after until then?”

“Actually, I was going to send you home myself,” Celestia announced, “It’s the least I can do considering the help you are lending us with Dirk.”

“It’s no problem at all, I’m glad to help Dirk fit in at his new home. Um, I should be finished in an hour or so, should I…”

“Simply send a letter with Spike when you are ready to return and I will pick you up,” Celestia said, lighting her horn.

With a bright yellow flash, the pegasus was gone.

Dirk stared at where she had been.

(“What the FUCK?!”), he screeched, backing away from the spot. (“What the hell did you do to her?”)

“Ah, that may have been a bit much for him,” Celestia noted with a concerned look at his defensive posture and wild eyes directed toward her.

Rarity came to his side and laid a hoof on his arm.

“It’s quite alright Dirk, there is nothing to be afraid of,” she crooned.

Dirk glanced down at her with a frown but kept Celestia in his sights. He trusted her… he wanted to trust her, but magic was quickly becoming his number one concern in this world.

“Oh, I have an idea,” Twilight piped up, standing from her chair.

Dirk looked at her with worry and backed away. Celestia opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted when a magenta flash surrounded the purple mare, and then again five meters to her left where Twilight was now standing.

Dirk stared at her and Twilight picked up her notebook and quill, watching for his reaction with an eager smile.

(“… You’ve got to be fucking kidding”), he growled, (“You guys can teleport? That’s such bullshit.”)

Nevertheless, he calmed down, patting Rarity’s hoof with a hand for her concern and continuing toward Celestia’s end of the table as before while muttering to himself.

“Amazing!” Twilight exclaimed, scribbling in her notebook.

“Care to explain?” Celestia asked with a quirked eyebrow.

“Oh, right, well I was thinking of non-invasive tests we could give him since he doesn’t like magic being used on him, and had the idea for one just now! He was obviously afraid when you teleported Fluttershy, but going off what Discord said about him, it may have been that he’d never seen it done before. Then, when I teleported myself so he could see the end result, he relaxed his posture immediately. This shows that he has the intelligence to correlate the cause and effect of the two events, and understands object permanence and the fact the Fluttershy didn’t cease to be but was simply moved elsewhere!”

Dirk looked back at her with concern.

What the fuck is wrong with this pony? I mean, It was an okay idea and she drew the correct conclusions from it, but who the fuck just starts running experiments at the breakfast table? I get where she’s coming from, but this shit’s really starting to piss me off.

I see why Discord was warning me about her though. If she has her way, she could probably put two and two together just by observing me, even with the enchantments hiding most of my intelligence. She might just take me apart piece by piece in the process, though…

“Twilight, you really ought to take it easy with your tests, you can get a bit excitable darling,” Rarity advised her while sipping some tea from a cup held in her magic.

“Although in this case your use of magic worked quite well to calm him,” Celestia said with a smile, “Just remember, he is a living thing and my sister’s pet at that. It is important we learn about him, but not at the cost of his well-being.”

Dirk wanted to comment on that but knew it was pointless. He had other things on his mind anyway.

He stood in front of the tea set positioned near Celestia and stared it down. He could see from here that it was in fact tea in her cup and not coffee served from a teapot as was his distant hope, but it was still something.

I need that tea inside me, but how?

He looked at Celestia as she watched him in curiosity.

“Do you know what he might want, Rarity? Has he eaten yet?”

“I’m afraid I don’t and he hasn’t,” the unicorn said, “Though perhaps he is taken with your tea set? It is quite a wonderful piece.”

Dirk squinted at the teapot then to Celestia as she finished her cup. He could care less how pretty the thing was, but he needed a reason to show interest in it. The alicorn noticed and made a show of pouring a fresh cup from the pot as he watched.

Bingo! There’s my excuse.

Dirk reached over to the pot but Celestia pulled it out of reach with her magic. He gave her a fierce glare for her efforts, causing her to flinch back with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s very hot, Dirk, and tea isn’t for you. I do suppose you must be thirsty,” she said to herself. She rang a small bell and from a side door emerged a pony in a chef’s ensemble. “Would you be so kind as to bring a bowl of water for Luna’s new pet?”

The pony bowed without a word and disappeared.

Dirk grit his teeth. He was getting his fix and that was final, and if the nigh-immortal, sun-controlling sovereign ruler of ponykind thought she was going to stop him, she had another thing coming. He put on a sinister smile and strode right for her.

Celestia’s posture changed immediately, placing her cup on the table and dropping her smile.

“You will calm yourself this instant,” she said with regal authority, though her voice didn’t rise above polite conversation level.

Dirk nearly backed down. He could almost feel a compulsion to do as she said with those words, but he held his ground.

“Oh dear,” Twilight said, ears laying flat and tail tucked while backing away from her former teacher.

“Princess, wait!” Rarity called, dashing over to stand near him. “I know he looks aggressive, but we found out last night from Fluttershy and his own actions that this is the face he makes when he’s feeling, well, playful.”

Celestia relaxed at that and her eyes softened as she looked at the human.

“Truly? How very… unsettling. We will need to inform the staff before somepony gets the wrong idea.”

Dirk took his chance and stepped up to meet her eye to eye. The alicorn was still nervous but met his gaze. Dirk felt the edge of the table with his hand without breaking eye contact and did some mental math.

He then quickly darted his head forward and licked her right across the lips.

Celestia reeled back and sputtered as Rarity gasped.

“Dirk! How very improper of you!” the elegant unicorn cried. “I-I’m very sorry, Princess Celestia, he really is a well-behaved… human.”

Dirk quickly stepped away from the table while keeping his front facing the two ponies, his smile still wide.

Celestia regained her composure and chuckled.

“No harm done, my little pony. I suppose he really was being–“

She froze mid-sentence as she looked down at the table. Her cup was gone. She whipped her head around to the human to find him holding the cup in both hands and guzzling it down as quickly as possible.

“Oh you, you RASCAL!” she cried, failing to hide the smile spreading across her face.

Dirk finished the last gulp with an audible ahhh and gave the alicorn a devious smile. What he was not expecting was for her to leap from her seat with a powerful beat of her enormous wings to land in a wide stance not fifteen feet from him. Her head lowered as her smile took on a devilish quality.

“P-Princess?” Rarity sputtered at the sight of her ruler squaring off with an animal.

Celestia ignored her and instead took one step forward while locking eyes with Dirk. His own widened and his smile disappeared.

(“Ah, I see I’ve done something I shouldn’t have”), he mewled.

A moment passed where the two stared each other down, then Dirk made a break for it with the teacup clenched in one hand. He dashed back toward the end of the room they’d entered from but heard metal shod hooves hot on his heels and his adrenaline spiked. He wasn’t an athlete by any stretch of the imagination but he’d at least hoped the princess was sedentary enough for him to perform marginally better.

As he neared the end of the table he pivoted hard, causing his fleshy feet to screech painfully on the polished floor for a few inches before sticking. As he lunged around the short end of the table he turned his head to see Celestia nearly grab him with one of her hooves with a wild look on her face.

As she tried to turn as well, her gold shoes slid on the smooth floor, causing her momentum to bring her against the wall with a soft bump.

He thought he had her with that, and made to turn around the other corner of the table toward where Twilight cowered from her leader’s loss of decorum. He looked back at her with a smug grin that disappeared instantly.

Celestia leapt forward with a powerful beat of her wings like an Olympic swimmer performing the breaststroke, launching her forward like a bullet. He tried to duck under her outstretched forelegs but she caught him around the chest as she passed over and the two of them rolled across the ground.

Dirk brought his limbs in to protect himself, but Celestia had the foresight to wrap her legs and wings around the two of them.

When they came to a stop he tried to struggle out of her grasp only to find her limbs were made of steel. He looked up to see one large purple eye looking down at him in mirth.

At that moment the chef opened the side door with the requested bowl of water, took one look at his princess on the ground with the supposed animal, put the bowl on the corner of the table, and left without a word.

(“Yeah I suppose I deserve this after doing the same to Applejack”), he chirred flatly, then froze as he realized he was missing something.

“Princess!” Rarity cried in horror, “Your priceless cup, it’s…!”

Dirk saw what was left of the elegant porcelain in four pieces along their path, but they were quickly taken up in a gold aura. He snapped his head up to see the horn causing it glowing the same color, but saw Celestia’s calm gaze fixed on him.

“Worry not, Rarity,” she said, and with a flash, all four pieces were once again one whole. “Besides, it’s actually a replica, the originals remain safely stored away. You on the other hoof,” she said addressing the human in her clutches, “What a little trouble maker, yet even like this you remain calm.”

Dirk wiggled an arm free while her guard was down and reached up to attack her ears with the soft tips of his fingers. Celestia snorted and giggled as she tried to flick her ears away.

“S-Stop, stop, you fiend,” she laughed.

Dirk smiled wickedly at the confirmation of the Pony weak point and slipped his other arm to double up his assault. Celestia pushed her wings out from under them and Dirk watched in equal parts interest and horror as her feathers bent like fingers to tickle his sides. He wasn’t particularly ticklish, but the absurdity of her retaliation made him laugh like a hyena.

Damn, while her sister is a closeted animal lover, this chick is wearing it proud.

Twilight and Rarity watched on with incredulous looks.

Still, this is honestly the best scenario I could imagine… well in regards to both princesses liking me, not really the part where I’m at the mercy of powerful beings in another world. I mean, I think Luna likes me anyway. I’ll have to make sure to lay it on extra thick for her. Still, despite their improbable history, the princesses seem oddly… chill.

“Sister,” came a cold but familiar voice from the other end of the room. “I’m so glad you are having fun with Dirk.”

Luna’s words were laced with venom, and everyone turned her way.

She looked exhausted: tail drooping, starry mane less floaty and wavy, and dark bags under her eyes. Dirk wasn’t sure how he could see bags under her eyes through the fur, but he reminded himself how they seemed able to blush perfectly fine as well. The look on her face seemed even at first, but he thought he could see a bit of hurt there.

Celestia immediately released him and rolled to her hooves.

“Luna, I, it was just a bit of fun, I’m sure Dirk is excited to see you,” Celestia said, hesitating with her words.

The two unicorns seemed perplexed by this exchange between the two, but Dirk wracked his brain for everything he knew about them from Discord and what he’d observed for himself. It didn’t take him long to come to a conclusion.

He felt… genuine pity for the princess of the night. Dirk had always been an only child so it was difficult to relate to the sibling rivalry, but he knew the feeling of always being second fiddle well. Or in his case, perhaps benchwarmer fiddle. The guy that was always ‘We’ll call you if you got the job…’ or ‘We aren’t sure you would be a good fit for our company culture’, or worst of all, ‘We’re looking for someone more… not you’.

Luckily for Luna, he wasn’t some dumb animal to be bought with treats.

He stood and jogged over to her. Without hesitation he pressed against her chest and wrapped her neck in a tight hug, rubbing the top of her head with his cheek while avoiding the pointy bit. Her wings sprung open a few inches at the sudden affection, but she quickly leaned into him and hummed quietly in joy.

(“I’m your pet, Luna, I’m not going to abandon you for your sister or anyone else”), he cooed.

…At least not for five years, he said to himself. He felt a twinge of guilt but pushed it down into the depths of his psyche. That was a problem for Future Dirk.

“I… sorry Tia, I didn’t mean to be unpleasant, I suppose the night was a bit taxing,” Luna apologized. “And I’m glad to see you too, Dirk,” she said quietly to the human, “I was thinking of you all night.”

“No need, Luna, anything I can do to help?”

“Nay, sister, tis a battle only I can fight,” she said, walking over to take a seat in front of the uncovered platters of food on a large cushion. Dirk followed her over like a dutiful protector. “I’m afraid I may be destroying nightmares of changelings for a couple generations here in Canterlot. Though the damage was light, their emotional scars are not so easily healed.”

Changelings… Discord briefly mentioned them in the primer but I didn’t hear anything about an incident. And what the hell is she doing waging a war on nightmares?

“Indeed. If Chrysalis intended to further alienate her people from ponykind she did a remarkable job of it,” Celestia mused, walking back around the table to take her own seat with a difficult expression. “Though, with the reformation of Discord and your own redemption… I feel as if the age of forgiveness and reconciliation is long overdue…”

“Princess, I… you don’t really intend to let that villainess off the hook, do you?” Rarity asked in shock.

“She tried to take over Equestria and foalnapped Cadence!” Twilight burst out, “There’s no way we can let her–”

“You forget that I have done far worse, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna reminded her sternly. Twilight and Rarity shrank from the rebuke, examining their hooves with guilt. “Though I am angered by her injury to our ponies and my own inability to be there when you all needed me, I must nonetheless acknowledge that she and her people deserve the chance to make amends should they choose to do so.”

“Perhaps we ought to speak of lighter matters,” Celestia suggested.

Luna gasped, a bit of her fatigue fading away.

“Of course! Lady Rarity, I must know everything about last night,” she exclaimed, fixing the white unicorn with an intense look of interest to rival Twilight’s. “How… how was Dirk around you ponies? Did Fluttershy say anything about his health? Does he need any sort of training?”

Rarity was overwhelmed by the sudden line of questioning from one of her rulers but took it in stride as she began to recount the night’s events while Luna ate and Twilight took eager notes.

Dirk ignored their conversation, standing by Luna’s side and occasionally brushing her mane when it floated toward him with his fingers to earn a happy look from the princess, but otherwise looking at the food on the table with his own growing hunger, wondering if he should just take some or not.

“Are you hungry Dirk?” Celestia said from his other side. When the alicorn managed to slip around him he couldn’t tell and answered the only way he could.

(“Hell yes”), he barked.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then,” she said with a giggle.

He began reaching across for some slices of what looked to be French toast arranged along the edge of a platter only to have it pulled away from him by her magic.

“Ah-ah, we need to see what is safe for you to eat before we feed you any pony food, Dirk.”

He turned his head to look at her with the first genuine feeling of anger he’d had toward a pony thus far. His stomach was empty and his body was beginning to feel the fatigue of minimal sleep with little help from the tea. And then she was just going to ask him if he wanted to eat then take it away? He clenched his fists and pressed his lips together to hold it in, waiting to see what her intent was.

“Twilight, if you will assist me, I’ve come up with a simple test of my own for Dirk given what we know about him,” she continued, getting the mare’s undivided attention for a moment. Celestia levitated over several of the smaller covered silver trays and placed one in front of Dirk.

Twilight squee’d with sparkling eyes and hopped off her seat to come closer, but Dirk turned and hissed at her. As in, he actually turned to her, made eye contact, and intentionally hissed like a cat. The effect had all four ponies flinch and look toward him with wide eyes. Dirk had to fight to suppress a satisfied smirk.

Holy shit, I guess that confirms that. The enchantment must have doubled up to super-charge my hilarious imitation, I’ll have to keep that in mind, could be useful if I need to deal with another Twilight.

“Perhaps you should stay where you are, Twilight,” Celestia said with a bit of apprehension.

As soon as the lavender mare backed away from him he immediately went back to ignoring her and being on his best behavior. He thought he actually saw a smile on the corner of Luna’s lips and Celestia gave her sister a subtle glare. Rarity looked worried for him, while Twilight looked properly spooked.

“Dirk, that is not how we treat ponies,” Celestia said sternly, trying to convey her message via tone and body language.

He could feel a headache coming on.

(“Maybe she shouldn’t–“), he began to growl when he was interrupted by an unlikely source.

“Perhaps ponies should not treat my pet as their personal science project,” Luna interrupted him with an elevated voice, turning to the lavender unicorn. “I’ve seen how you look at him, Twilight Sparkle. Your desire for knowledge is commendable, but I will not have him made into your plaything. What you do with your pet is your own business, but when your intentions do not edify his well-being they are unwelcome.”

Dirk glanced over and saw the hurt and confusion in Twilight’s eyes. Receiving a rebuke from one of her rulers right after being threatened appeared to be putting her into–

“I WASN’T DOING–...!”She began to shout with a stomp of her hoof before seizing up.

Her eyes shrank to pinpricks and she covered her mouth with a hoof while looking up at the princess she’d just snapped at. Luna glanced at her sister’s protege with a neutral gaze but said nothing in regards to the outburst before returning to her breakfast.

“I’ve already spoken with Twilight, Luna,” Celestia said with rising anger, “I asked that she assist me in taking notes and nothing more. I understand you are being protective of Dirk, but he must learn to interact with ponies calmly. How do you propose–“

“And he WILL!” Luna snapped back, rising from her seat to face Celestia. “He merely gave Twilight a warning, much the same I would give were somepony to follow me around taking notes and treating me like a subject for their amusement.”

Dirk took a step back from the two with wide eyes. He was beginning to regret being short-tempered with Twilight, but realized there was probably more at play than he saw. He looked over at Rarity who wore a mortified expression, meeting his gaze briefly before turning back to her rulers.

“That’s NOT–“

“Tell me, sister, how many times has he hurt ponies, and how many times have we hurt or frightened him? Rarity has had nothing but praise for him, citing his gentleness and patience, and I’m certain Fluttershy and Applejack said the same.”

“And I acknowledge his good behavior, Luna,” Celestia responded, stepping closer to loom over her sister. Luna grit her teeth but held her position. “But all that Twilight has done is levitate his paw and he has shown her disproportionate animosity. You know as well as I that the nobles, the guards, the castle staff, diplomatic guests, any of them could be far less careful around him, and what then?”

“Then it is they who are in the wrong for doing so,” Luna countered. Celestia opened her mouth to continue but Luna cut her off. “Come, Dirk, if you wish to eat Prench toast then you shall,” she said, turning toward the side door and levitating half a loaf of the fluffy squares along behind her.

Celestia opened and closed her mouth several times, torn between continuing the spat and letting it go. Ultimately she turned away from the retreating alicorn and scuffed a hoof against the ground with a scowl. Dirk took that as his queue to extricate himself from the situation as well and jogged over to catch up with Luna.

…

Is this ok? Is it really ok for me to cause trouble and just… walk away like this. I mean… I just wanted Twilight to back off, not cause a schism in the country’s leadership.

Dammit. Guess I'll go with the tried and true...

He put a hand on Luna’s withers and she looked at him.

(“Just a sec”), he gobbled.

Luna quirked an eyebrow and he turned back to speed walk back over to Celestia. The white alicorn glanced at him out of the corner of her eye but made no move to turn toward him or her sister, a scowl still on her face. He quickly nuzzled her neck, then looked up to meet her eyes. He reached up a hand to brush her ear, causing her expression to soften.

He then jogged around the table to Rarity and knelt down to hug the concerned mare.

(“I’m counting on you to get me some clothes”), he squeaked.

Rarity returned the embrace to his surprise, wrapping a foreleg around his back.

“Twilight… means well, Dirk,” she whispered. “I hate to see my friends bicker like this. Or my friends’ pets, in this case, though I realize it wasn’t entirely your fault…”

Dirk paused at that, but it didn’t change his next stop.

He stood over the lavender unicorn skulking by herself near Celestia’s end of the table, so despondent that she didn’t notice his approach. She sat on her haunches on the hard ground with her head hung and tears falling from her eyes.

He squat down and put his arms around her barrel, pulling her into his chest. The sudden embrace shocked her out of her mind space, but as soon as she looked up and saw the human with its arms around her, her ears went flat and her eyes shrank.

“YAH!” she shouted, trying to pull away, but Dirk held on, closing his eyes and rubbing his head on her back.

After a moment she stopped squirming and Dirk figured that was the best he was going to get.

He stood up and walked back over to Luna who had a victorious smile on as she glanced sidelong at her sister. Celestia had on a softer expression but still looked conflicted.

It’s out of my hands now, they’ll have to make up on their own.

Luna opened the door and walked out, holding it in her magic for Dirk to follow and the two began walking down an unfamiliar corridor.

A piece of ~~French~~ Prench toast hovered in front of him after his stomach growled, suspended in an indigo aura. He blinked and looked at the alicorn beside him to see the gentle smile on her face and he tentatively took the toast out of the magic field with his thumb and index finger.

The field tingled for a moment when he touched it, but as soon as the toast was removed he felt completely fine. He’d never been unduly afraid of the magic itself, really, just its non-consensual use on his person. He stuffed the eggy bread into his mouth and ate. Even without syrup it was light and fluffy, possibly the best he’d ever had, but his mind was elsewhere.

I bet Discord is hiding around some corner getting his rocks off on all this shit. Why can’t I just have a normal life for once?

✱  ✱  ✱

Celestia hung her head and flopped into the nearest seat with a groan.

Dirk.

That creature was a mystery. She couldn’t even blame its actions, really. She may not be an animal expert but she was the closest thing to a Twilight expert there was. She knew her student had a certain way about her when it came to research, a way that oft went astray of pony decency. She just hadn’t expected the human to be so aware of it. Perhaps its instincts told it she was dangerous to him. Perhaps he simply didn’t like the way she smelled.

I need to speak to Fluttershy and see if she can intercede on behalf of her friend.

Still… she couldn’t shake the strange feeling Dirk gave her. One minute he is lumbering around being mischievous with a wild and frightening look on his face, the next he is hyper-sensitive to the emotions of those around him. He was so strange and alien in both mannerisms and his bizarre range of vocalizations it was easy to write him off as a common beast, but viewed through a different lens…

Just what IS Dirk? What kind of world produces such a creature? While I feel certain Discord does not mean outright harm to my sister, I doubt he has been entirely forthcoming about the creature’s history. Perhaps Fluttershy can get more out of him than any of us ever could.

Celestia recalled the pegasus’ behavior at the party last night and shuddered.

On second thought, I’m certain she is getting plenty out of him. I hope she knows what she is getting into with that old scoundrel.

“Princess…?”

Celestia was pulled from her thoughts by the voice of her protege standing next to her.

“What is it Twilight?”

“I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t mean to–”

“Worry not, my number one pupil,” she said in a soothing tone while wrapping a wing around the young mare, “It wasn’t your fault. Dirk just has… a bit of apprehension around you. It may be best to let him approach on his own terms from now on if his affection toward you at the end is anything to go by. I will talk to Fluttershy about arranging a way for you two to become better acquainted in a controlled setting sometime, but for now it’s best to let it be.”

“B-But, I YELLED at Princess Luna! She must–“

“My sister does not think less of you for that, Twilight, she knows emotions were running high.”

“I… I just don’t understand. I thought she and I were… friends? It feels like she’s gotten so distant toward me lately and I just wish I knew why.”

Celestia winced at that.

Oh Luna…

“Things are… complicated between my sister and me right now. It’s not something we make public, but we have our disagreements from time to time. A bit of that has bled through into your relationship as well, I’m afraid, but with time she is sure to come back around.”

Twilight was silent after that and Celestia simply enjoyed the feeling of having her student close again.

“Ahem,” Rarity coughed, “Not to ruin the moment, but I did have some matters to discuss with Luna concerning Dirk. It seems now is not a good time to disturb her, however, so I thought I might discuss them with you instead?”

“Of course, I would be happy to hear what you had in mind. Allow me just a moment to write a letter to Fluttershy and you’ll have me until day court.”

Celestia conjured a scroll and quill with a flash of magic and began writing.

Dear Fluttershy,

I regret to inform you that I will need to postpone Dirk’s appointment with the specialist until tomorrow. There were a few hiccups after you left and I’m afraid Luna has taken him with her, likely for the rest of the day. If you are still willing, write me tomorrow when you are free and we will pick up where we left off.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

P.S.
It has come to my attention that we may need to know a great deal more about Dirk than we do at the moment. If you could, I would be grateful for anything you can find out from Discord about his history and home.

P.P.S.
Please, for the love of Harmony don’t forget contraception. Enclosed is a voucher for full reimbursement by the crown for any costs you might incur.

✱  ✱  ✱

Meanwhile at Fluttershy’s house…

“AHH! O-OH! HMM! T-That’s, HNNN, right, r-rut me like, um, like a BEAST!”

“HRRG, HFFF, HNNK, HAH, If, HAH, If I’d known this was at stake, HRRNG, I would have gotten her a puppy AGES ago!”

“L-Less talking, HEEE, and more humpi-HYAAAAAAAAA~!”

Amid the racket not often heard in the tranquil tree cottage, a single letter popped into existence and landed on the nightstand, only to be ignored and soon forgotten by the room’s occupants…

☽ LUNA ☾

Luna couldn’t help but admire her new pet. Dirk lumbered dutifully alongside her down the halls, munching down the Prench toast she periodically fed him without so much as a sound. As much as she wanted to fawn over him, she had to maintain her image in public, especially around her sister’s day guards. They hadn’t taken her insistence in regards to maintaining her own guard unit well, and often grumbled among themselves when they thought she wasn’t around.

When she reached her room she nodded in appreciation to the two sleepy thestrals that drew the undesirable day shift, opening her door with magic. Dirk seemed hesitant to enter her darkened chambers, but she turned toward him with a smile and he stepped within.

As soon as the door was shut she lit a few magic candles with her horn, kicked off her silver shoes, then cast a silencing spell around the room and let her emotions flow free again.

She sucked in air through her teeth and…

“RAHHHHHHH!”

She reared up and howled out her frustrations. Dirk flinched and backed away a few hoofsteps but didn’t run.

“WHY must my sister be so, so infatuated with Twilight and her thrice-damned research?!”

She paced around the room restlessly and continued to rant.

“It’s not as if her addle-brained mishaps have ever gone catastrophically wrong, nooooo~”, she spat, then put a hoof under her chin and bat her eyelashes with a dopey look, “‘Dear Princess Celestia, today I found out it might not be ethical to resurrect someone’s pet with necromancy. Dear Princess Celestia, today I found out you don’t call the griffon ambassador a cock instead of a tom. Dear Princess Celestia, I didn’t learn anything today but I need you to come and erase the memories of Cheerilee’s class because I accidentally duplicated a filly four times and caused her an existential meltdown.’”

Luna stomped over to a small cabinet and opened it, pouring herself a glass of wine from a vintage she’d been working on at an accelerated rate before downing it in a single gulp.

“But every time my sister pardons her reckless behavior with the same phrase: ‘She’s learning Luna, give her time.’”

She set the glass down with a thunk on her writing desk and walked back to her bed, throwing herself onto the large circular mattress in a heap.

“And yet she has the gall to suggest Dirk needs to learn proper behavior?” She hit the plush black velvet covers with a hoof for emphasis. “HA! I’d sooner make HIM a princess, he’d likely cause less damage to Equestria. And how dare she act as if Dirk is her personal research specimen, if she weren’t so beloved by my sister her actions would have landed her in the dungeons, bearer or no.”

Luna let her head flop to the side as she exhaled all her anger.

“I… why can’t I… I wish Twilight was… why can’t we just be… ugh…”

Tears began to well up in her eyes and her lips wobbled.

“Why must she always dismiss me? Am I not her equal? Did she not say things would be different this time, that, that we would be sisters again? That we would rule together? And yet I am reduced to her overnight stand-in, unable or untrusted to make decisions on my own. I… I just…”

Tears were pouring over the edge now and she sniffled. She looked back at her new pet where he stood motionless by the door with wide eyes. The look in those eyes was like a cold knife in her heart.

“O-Of course you should fear me as well,” she cursed with a look of self-disgust, “What creature wouldn’t. It’s only a matter of time before some-, somepon-eeeheeheeee~”

Her face twisted up and her voice cracked. She just couldn’t hold it in anymore. She pulled a pillow to her head and wailed into it, shedding tears she couldn’t show anypony.

Why? Why even try?

The old words echoed in her mind.

They will never care for us the same. They see the blood on our hooves and fear us. We will never be their princess.

She could taste them on her tongue like a drug, bitter, harmful, numbing. Words like magic spells that would make it all go away.

Better to be feared than dis–

She felt the bed shift and froze when something soft touched her back. She lifted her head and saw the human, Dirk, with his hind knees resting on the edge of her bed and a foreleg outstretched as he gently ran his paw between her wing blades. His eyes were so small, but when she looked into those little blue eyes she saw so much compassion.

“You, you don’t…?”

She couldn’t articulate her feelings in that moment, but she needn’t have bothered. Without even understanding her words, that strange creature rolled onto the bed beside her with his innocent eyes as if pleading with her to feel better, as if her pain was his pain too.

Luna pulled his long slender furless body against her own and held him tight. He stiffened at first but then melted into her embrace.

He’s so, so… how can such a gentle creature want to be my pet? I don’t deserve this, I don’t, but…

“Please don’t leave me, Dirk,” she whispered.

The human whined softly and put his paws into her mane. She could feel the way the strands slid between his digits, how he gently groomed her. His dull claws scritched at her fur and pressed into the tense muscles on her neck, draining the sorrow from her stroke by stroke.

She tucked her head under his and let her tears flow out onto the pillow silently. She could feel his heartbeat and the expansion of his barrel as he breathed in and out, a real living creature here with her in her sorrow. She ran her hoof gently along his smooth back and he shivered, but made no move to escape.

Minutes passed. She didn’t know how many, just that they had, and little by little her calm returned. The stress of the long night, her anger and self-deprecation… it all seemed so silly. She couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore, but one last thought passed through her mind.

I truly don’t deserve Dirk.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

He stared at the undulating ghostly blue flame of the candle on the writing desk. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment Luna had finally fallen asleep, but she was breathing peacefully now. He could feel the weight of exhaustion on his mind and eyes as well. That tea hadn’t done jack shit for him, and the mild throb at the front of his head persisted.

But Dirk had a lot on his mind.

The way he scared Twilight, the fine line he was treading trying to get things done while remaining plausibly ignorant, Luna’s outburst. Suddenly the job didn’t seem so simple.

Luna was…

Well, he couldn’t even begin to know everything she was going through, just that she was.

Thousand-year-old princess of a nation with enough magic power in her forehead to turn me to ashes, and here she is crying on me of all people. How am I supposed to help her? I could barely even feed myself back home and I’m supposed to know how to fix… this?

He knew she needed him, though. It was such an alien feeling for him, to be needed. He didn’t know what qualifications he had to even be here, yet here he was.

He glanced at Luna’s sleeping face and gently brought a finger to stroke her neck. Her fur was soft. Like, really soft. It wasn’t quite the same but he could understand now why humans used horses for emotional therapy, something strange about their physiology that humans just found comforting.

Ironic that I’m the one being used for therapy in this case, he thought with a smile.

Dirk began to feel his own consciousness slip away despite the headache and he wiggled to get his head in a more comfortable position. As the minutes passed, he came to a realization about his position here as Luna’s pet.

It felt good to be… needed.

Giving them the run around, Part 1

The last thing Dirk remembered was eating pizza. Two whole meat-lovers had been sent to his apartment in error, but he hadn’t corrected the deliveryman when he found out they’d already been paid for. God, he hadn’t eaten pizza in ages. He was about to take his first bite when his mind went fuzzy. He felt like we was laying down, but it wasn’t in his room.

Was he at the pizza parlor? Why would he be sleeping there? He needed to get up and go to work!

His heart started pumping with embarrassment from being caught sleeping on the ground at a restaurant and the realization he was going to be late for an interview. His hands moved across the strange black velvet carpet of the pizza place and he pushed himself up. His eyes opened and he looked around. For a few seconds his mind couldn’t resolve what he was looking at, and then…

(“Shit”), he hissed, flopping back into the bed.

Luna’s bed. The princess herself was nowhere to be seen.

Why can’t I ever eat food in my dreams.

He lay in bed staring at the canopy over the royal bed for several minutes as his brain worked its way up through the gears. The bed itself was circular, roughly the size of a California King, with periwinkle sheets and pillows and a devilishly soft black velvet blanket over top. At the head of the bed, a pillar of ebony wood rose up to support a circular silver rail the same size as the bed itself, from which shimmering periwinkle drapes were hung and could be fully closed around it if desired.

At the moment they were drawn back toward the head post like curtains, allowing a view of the room.

Dirk sat up in the bed and squinted in confusion. It was one thing to wake up in someone else’s bed, but it was quite another to have been left in someone else’s bed unattended. It was just as dimly lit as when he fell asleep, the magic candles still burning away without a care in the world, and he rolled out of the bed and stood up.

The sudden rush of blood made him lightheaded, and he held one of the bed curtains for support as he shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

He could feel it: the headache was back. It was still an ember, but he knew in an hour or so it would be raging. He had to figure out a way to get rid of it as soon as possible, be it caffeine, ibuprofen, food and water, or magic.

I can’t believe magic is an actual option. Fucking magic horses man…

(“Luna!”), he chirped, (“You in here?”)

There was no response. He looked over the room in detail for the first time. It was royally spacious but somewhat spartan at the same time. If one were standing in the doorway looking in, the large bed occupied the center of the left wall, and the doors to what were likely a bathroom and closet were on the right wall.

To the immediate left, still looking in from the doorway, was a liquor cabinet set above a wine rack, a writing desk, and a tall bookshelf full of old tomes. To the right was an L-shaped couch in the corner with a coffee table, or tea table as was more likely in this evidently coffee-absent hellscape. The couch was a deep navy blue and its cushions were deep to allow the equine form space to lay down or sit on their haunches with their hooves up.

In the back left corner was a full body mirror on a stand next to a smallish dresser, and at the far back wall was a massive window covered entirely by heavy curtains. Aside from that, there were large awkward portions of the walls left bare of furniture, and enough floor space to fit at least five more royal beds.

Despite the candles around the room burning blue, they gave off a soft mostly-white light, giving the whole space a very gentle atmosphere.

Other than the furniture, there was very little in the way of decorations. The few items on the walls were pictures of Luna and Celestia, Luna and Twilight, Twilight and all her friends, a painted portrait of some old unicorn in a wizard outfit, and a framed newspaper in illegible pony-script with a front-page picture of Luna attending a… Halloween party?

Guess she likes keeping things simple. Well, simple for a princess. That was probably the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept on in my life.

But damn… where the hell is Luna? Did she seriously just… LEAVE me here? What time is it?

He looked at a quiet wall clock and found it still had the familiar twelve positions, even if the numbers were unreadable. It was either midnight or noon, and he doubted he’d only slept for a couple of hours.

Dirk rubbed the crust from his eye and shambled over to the door he assumed went to the bathroom. He lifted his hand to knock but stopped himself. Instead, he pressed his ear against the door, listening for movement within.

Nothing but the sound of his own breathing and pumping blood.

He carefully opened the door and peeked within. The room was dark, but the glint of bathroom fixtures shone from what little light filtered in through the opening. He opened the door all the way and stepped inside, running his hand along the inside wall near the door for the object he’d been trained since birth to expect.

After a dozen seconds of frustrated groping in the dark, he froze and realized what an idiot he was. After retrieving the candle from Luna’s writing desk, he ventured within.

The bathroom was built to a similar level of luxury as the bedroom and was equally absent the types of things he’d expect a princess to own. On his right was an elegant sink with a deep basin made of a dark silvery metal, perhaps pewter, and fixtures to match. The mirror stretched tall and wide around it, with plenty of counter space for beauty and grooming paraphernalia, though only a tube of toothpaste and comically sized toothbrush sat alone on its surface.

As soon as he saw the faucet his mouth and throat reminded him how parched he was, and he set the candle on the counter. He twisted the knob and tilted his head down to guzzle straight from the tap before wiping his mouth in satisfaction and shutting it off.

Dirk spotted a pair of candlestick holders with those strange candles on either side of the mirror and stretched up to light them with the one in his hand. With the bathroom illuminated, he found the tub, or rather the pool.

At the back of the room was an enormous basin set directly into the floor with a small raised lip around the edge. It appeared to be made of one solid chunk of black marble, or maybe several slabs fused together somehow. At the near end it looked to be around a foot and a half deep and ten wide, a shallow shelf for climbing in and out or lounging around and long enough for a pony of Luna’s size to stretch out no problem. Halfway back the bottom dropped down to four feet deep, with room to swim just a bit if one so desired.

The walls surrounding the tub were grey slate all the way to the ceiling, with a slanted ramp issuing from a rectangular hole near the top of the deep end wall that would pour the water down like a waterfall. Several sconces lined the walls around it with frosted glass shrouds to bathe the pool in light when lit.

I cannot WAIT to take a shower in that, he thought to himself.

He almost went to take one right then but realized he’d be going around smelling like whatever soaps the mare had lining the edge of the tub.

Finally, the toilet was thankfully present, though raised a bit higher than the one in the guest room. Rather than the long rectangular shape, this one was more traditionally designed, though still a bit oblong and missing a seat. The water tank was mounted on the wall above his head and connected with a long pipe and a pull handle.

The sight of it reminded his body he’d just guzzled a ton of water, and after a careful utilization he emerged from the bathroom ready to tackle the day… or night.

He left the bathroom and put the candle back on her nightstand and took in a deep breath.

(“FUUUUUUUCK!”), he roared, (“What am I even supposed to be DOING?!”)

He began pacing around the room much like Luna had, gesturing with his arms in wide motions to drive his point.

(“Yeah, just set me down in this world with ZERO guidance, no objective, nothing, just ‘be her pet’ he says. WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO? I mean fuck… I like her and all but she just left me here alone? What if I WAS an animal? I could burn her room down or burn myself with these candles!”)

He waved a hand over the flame for emphasis and his shoulders sagged. They were only mildly warm.

(“Okay, maybe not burn the place down, but what am I supposed to EAT? Does she WANT me to shit on her carpet? Did she just leave for a moment and is on her way back as I speak? Am I just supposed to sit on the floor and do nothing until she comes back?! Am I supposed to leave and come find her?”)

The shouting was only bringing his headache to the forefront, but he hadn’t had a free moment to himself since this whole endeavor started and he needed to vent. He looked around the room in frustration and strode over to the bookshelf, taking a single tome and opening it to a random page.

Complete gibberish.

(“Of course! I can’t even read to pass the time. Thanks, Discord, for not allowing me the ability to read spaghetti letters!”)

He whipped his hand up in the specified phone shape and was about to dial the draconequus to give him a piece of his mind when his hand faltered.

He let his arms drop with a heavy sigh and paced over to sprawl out on the sofa.

That’s only going to make me angrier. I just… I feel like I’m lost in the ocean here. The princesses are having sister problems, at least one pony sees me as a research subject, even if she’s been keeping her horn to herself, and just about anything I could be doing to improve my situation will make the whole thing go tits up.

Dirk stared up at the high ceiling for several minutes, stewing in his thoughts. He needed to center himself.

He sat up and looked around. The candles fixed to the walls didn’t appear to be removable.

One will have to do.

He took it over to the empty corner of the room between the closet door and back wall and set it right in the crook between them, then took up his position in front of it, legs crossed and hands on his knees to keep his back straight.

It was a trick taught to him by one of his very first employers when he was fresh out of high school, an old lithe man of vaguely Asian origin. Dirk came in early to open the store and found his boss meditating in the dark of his office with a candle in front of him. When questioned, the old guru taught him the simple meditation technique. There was nothing magical or spiritual about it, just a simple exercise to put one in the mindset to reflect and organize one’s thoughts. Ever since then it’s been Dirk’s go-to method for coping with stress and difficult situations.

Of course, that same boss later fired him for missing two days of work after he got sick, but he tried to separate the art from the artist.

First, my performance so far. I thought it would be a lot easier to act in an animalistic way but when push comes to shove my body just defaults to normal human body language. I suspect the collar must be doing some real heavy lifting if they still haven’t figured it out yet.

I need to do better than that.

My knee-jerk reaction to ponies fearing me has been hugging. It’s a pretty universal gesture, even for animals, and seems to be effective on ponies. Still, I’m not sure I want to just hug all my problems away.

I need to come up with a few more simple gestures for ponies to understand.

Magic is… a problem. When Discord said they had magic, I thought he meant they could shoot lightning bolts and stuff, but it seems to be a far more nuanced and everyday force than I realized. The fact that pretty much any unicorn could just pick me up or teleport me is… disturbing.

I will have to get used to it.

Next, my goals moving forward. Right now things are still up in the air with my status in the castle. I still have to go to the doctor or whatever, and Fluttershy has to I guess make some sort of decision on whatever training I need. But after that what am I supposed to do? People go to school and have jobs. Wild animals have to hunt and find mates. Pets just, well…

I need to find a hobby.

Dirk frowned and clenched his jaw. That was the catch, wasn’t it? On the one hand he had to follow the ‘rules’ of this society so he could avoid being punished or have Luna abandon him, and on the other he had to…

Wait… why do I have to follow the rules again?

His eyes opened wide and his breathing picked up. He could almost hear what Discord would say were he talking to the old kook right now. Dirk smiled a dangerous smile. The wonderful, terrible truth of his position settled on his shoulders, daring him, enticing him, frightening him.

I can do whatever I want. Not only can I, I SHOULD be doing whatever I want, within reason. Why am I making this hard on myself? The only stipulations are that I remain Luna’s pet (and Luna already loves me), don’t hurt anyone unprovoked, and don’t let anyone know about the deal. At the end of the day, or the end of the contract as it were, I get to just leave. No one is going to know what I did here in pony world but me.

Dirk stood up.

He chuckled to himself.

Discord really is a mad genius.

He looked at each of his hands in turn and clenched them. He could feel it…

Freedom.

With a deep breath, he roared at the top of his lungs.

(“I CAN DO ANYTHING!”)

✱  ✱  ✱

Discord shot awake.

“Now what was that, I wonder,” he thought aloud.

He looked around his quaint little cottage in the realm of chaos, but everything was exactly where it shouldn’t be, just as he hadn’t left it.

“Odd, I was sure that–“

Then he felt them. Ripples following in the wake of the wave that jolted him awake, not of chaos but of something else. A grin split his face.

“Finally something is going to change around here,” he said, rubbing his paw and claw together, “I’m counting on you, my little human.”

With a satisfied smile he put back on his frilly pink sleep mask and cuddled back up to his Fluttershy body pillow and drifted off to sleep.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Dirk collapsed on the bed in a fit of giggles, embarrassed by how silly he sounded just now but equally emboldened by the declaration. It wasn’t as if he was going to throw away his contract, but he realized he was playing this whole thing wrong.

All the things he’d subconsciously been following from his years of living in a highly regulated society were not only largely irrelevant, but counterproductive to his mission. Concepts like personal ownership of items, physical boundaries, laws… why did it matter? He had an opportunity here, not only to wipe his debt back home but to let loose and take a vacation from being a responsible adult human.

He rolled back off Luna’s bed and walked over to her liquor cabinet.

Oooh, interesting selection.

He couldn’t read the labels, of course, but he could guess based on appearance. Most of the collection seemed little used, though he couldn’t say the same for the numerous wine bottles down below. He took a bottle of amber liquid and broke the seal on it then brought it to his mouth and tipped it back. His face scrunched but he gulped down a shot or two.

He pulled back and gave the label an appreciative inspection while smacking his lips.

(“Damn that’s some smooth rum”), he whistled.

He put the cap back on just the way he’d found it and placed it back where it came from. He didn’t want her to buy a lock for the thing just yet, and he was hopeful it would take the edge off his throbbing head until he could find some sort of headache medicine. Or make it worse, either-or.

(“Alright, time to seize the day”)

He walked over to the front door and threw it open. There he spotted his first obstacles. No… his new friends.

✱  ✱  ✱

“Are you sure it’s fine?”

The two thestrals listened with their sensitive hearing at the door they were assigned to guard, but heard nothing else.

“See, Jam, it’s fine,” the stallion said, “It probably just bumped its head or something.”

“Well shouldn’t we check?”

“That’s the princess’ room! We can’t just peek without permission! That’s, like, treason or something!”

“But she said to make sure Dark was okay,” Jam insisted, “I’m sure we have permission if it’s something serious.”

“I’m sure Dork is just fine in there, I bet the princess left it plenty of toys to play with.”

The mare gave her partner a flat look.

“Pit… the princess did not name her pet ‘Dork’,” she said.

“Well I know it’s not ‘Dark’,” he scoffed, “What kind of name is that.”

“The kind of name the princess gave her pet?!” Jam whisper-shouted.

The door behind them flew open and the two jumped. There stood the monstrous beast called a human. There stood Luna’s new pet.

It was tall. Probably taller than Luna herself. Its pale furless skin clung to its long sinewy limbs, looking pallid and sickly in the light from the crystal torches along the wall. It towered over them with hunched shoulders and its swinging forelegs, on the ends of which were long slender paws with wriggling tentacle-like digits.

Its flat face and narrow nose were alien. Its small beady eyes glared at them and it bared its teeth. The thestrals may have had fangs of their own, but they still found the display unsettling.

“Uh, Pit, I think he’s angry,” Jam said, backing away.

“How do you know it’s a– oh, yup, definitely a he,” Pit responded then gave the beast a nervous smile. “Uh, hi there Dork, did you have a good sleep?”

“I told you it’s Dark you dingbat!” Jam hissed.

The creature stared at them for a moment then fell to his rear knees, making a terrible barking-yipping sound like some sort of hyena-fox hybrid while striking the ground with a paw.

“Psst! On my signal we run,” Pit whispered out of the side of his mouth.

“We can’t just abandon our orders!”

“We are not cut out for this, Jam, we need backup before that thing attacks!”

The human stood back up on its rear legs and made a gurgling sound while bringing a paw to cradle its head then looked down at Pit. He took one long stride toward him and the guard balked.

“Now, RUN!” he shouted, but in his haste to flee he tripped over his own hooves and sprawled on the ground.

Jam immediately stepped in front of him and gave the beast her best smile under the circumstances while spreading her wings.

“There, there, good boy, Dark, we aren’t going to hurt you, P-Pit didn’t mean to call you a dork, he um…”

Jam swallowed and leaned her head back as it stepped up to them.

“Leave me!” Pit cried from his place on the ground, “Go get help, we can’t both go down!”

“I’m not going to leave you,” she spat back while maintaining her smile for the human, “Just be calm, I’m sure he’s just as scared of us as we are of him.”

The creature squatted down on his haunches to look Jam in her eyes. The thestral guard felt her fur stand on end just looking at his face and she could feel her pupils shrink to slivers. How could its head and eyes be so small compared to its body? It reached out a paw toward her and she flinched but held her ground.

Easy does it, he’s just curious, the princess wouldn’t keep a pet that was truly dangerous… probably.

She shut her eyes when she felt him touching her helmet, still maintaining her now manic smile. When the weight of the blue steel galea lifted from her head she opened her eyes and blinked in confusion.

The beast fell back on his rear in apparent surprise when the helmet cleared her ears and revealed her natural deep purple fur and lilac mane as opposed to the standard grey and ghostly blue of the uniform. He quickly rolled to his knees and gently put the helmet back on her head. When the enchantment once again dyed her in the night guard colors he blinked rapidly and gave an enthusiastic chirp at his discovery.

Jam released her pent-up breath and let her wings sag and her smile relax into something more genuine. She could hear a scrambling of hooves and armor behind her at the sound of her relief.

“See, he’s just a big colt, Pit, nothing to be afraid of,” she said, turning to her partner.

Pit was busy dusting himself off and adjusting his barding while attempting to appear casual.

“Well, er, obviously I was just testing your readiness, and I have to say you failed,” he explained, “If this were a real threat we would have both been incapacitated and the rest of the guard wouldn’t have been alerted.”

Jam rolled her eyes at that.

The human shuffled over to the stallion while crouched and Jam snickered when he flinched at his approach. He reached out a paw to grab Pit’s helmet, but the stallion held onto it with a hoof and moved his head away.

“No! Bad human,” he scolded it.

Which was completely ineffective, as the human then darted forward to gently bop him on the nose with one paw while pulling it off with the other when he was distracted. Like her own, as soon as it cleared his head the enchantment faded, leaving him in his natural state of deep purple coat and lilac mane.

“Tch, give it back you dumb… dumb thing,” he complained, leaping with a flap of his wings at where the human was holding it, only to miss when the agile beast yanked it away from him. Luna’s pet tilted its head in curiosity seeing Pit’s natural color, and with his free paw pulled her own back off as well.

Jam gave him an annoyed look but allowed him his fun for the moment, while Pit rounded for another pass at him. He seemed harmless. Big, but harmless. Maybe even a little cute in a weird sort of way?

As soon as he saw them both in their natural colors he dropped the helmets to the ground with a clang and went into a fit of barking yips as before. Jam just let out an exasperated sigh and collected her helmet back off the ground. Most ponies that didn’t know them had a similar reaction when they removed their armor. After all, they were just about as nearly identical as fraternal twins could get.

The human stood to his rear legs again while swinging a foreleg for balance, deftly swiping Pit’s helmet off the ground in the process as the poor guard made a dive toward it. Pit went sliding across the ground empty-hooved with a grunt, and the human put the armor on his own head.

Jam shivered at the sight of his almost comical too-small head fitting in their guard helmets with room to spare, and the human looked unimpressed by it.

Was he trying to…

“GOTCHA!”

Pit was hovering at eye level with the creature, his helmet held in triumph above his head. He wore a smug look on his face and did a little jig in the air, staring the creature down as if daring him to even consider snatching it again.

Both she and the human gave the stallion a flat look, and Pit put his helmet back on with a grumble and dropped to the ground. Jam was liking this human more and more with every moment.

“So… what are we supposed to do with him,” he asked his partner.

Jam was wondering the same, but before she could make a suggestion the creature turned and lumbered off down the hall.

“Hey, wait!”

✱  ✱  ✱

“Would… you… just… stop… already?”

Every word from Pit was accompanied by another attempt to grab one to the human’s limbs to keep it from wandering the halls, every one a failure. At first he’d tried to block his path, but the human just stepped or ducked around him. When Pit decided to make him stop, the creature simply slipped its long limbs away from the thestral with dexterity she wouldn’t have expected of the lumbering giant.

Jam for her part had given up controlling the beast and was walking alongside him as if they were on official business and not, in fact, being led by the nose by it.

“Maybe he wants something,” Jam offered.

“Yeah, he wants to get us disciplinary action, Jam,” he grouched, finally giving up his attempts to control the willful pet and resigned to appearing at least somewhat competent by marching alongside like his sister.

Jam turned her head and looked up at the creature with a smile.

“Hey colt, do you wanna go outside?” she asked in an overly-enthusiastic tone. “Go outside? Go to the bathroom? Do you need to go potty?”

The human snorted at her and kept walking, ignorant of her attempts to trigger some sort of key phrase it might know. It seemed to be taking note of hallways and doors, though didn’t make any attempt to go in any of them. He had to know what doors were if he could open Luna’s chambers with such ease. Its wiggly claws must have made the task easy.

I wonder what it would be like to have claws like those, she thought.

“I’m not picking up after it,” Pit said.

“Oh, caveapples, we don’t have anything to clean up after him with.” She looked around wildly as if the answers to her problems would suddenly appear around the next corner. “Okay, uh… there,” she said, pointing with a hoof at the large Prench doors up ahead on their left.

“Jam, that’s Celestia’s favorite garden! We can’t just leave a big pile of human manure there, she’ll notice!” he hissed.

“Okay then, smart colt, where do YOU suggest we take him?”

“Oh, I dunno, back to Luna’s room? Why are we even doing this? We were only supposed to guard him, not take him for walks.”

“Well like it or not, he’s walking!” Jam retorted. “So unless you have a better idea, we have to try something to get him to cooperate.”

“Ugh, fine, we can take him down to the garden outside the gala hall, there aren’t any events scheduled and plenty enough animals there to blame the mess on. I think they keep some food for the animals there too, we might find something he likes.”

Jam looked at her brother for several seconds before giving him a determined smile.

“Now there’s my Big Brain Bro, c’mon!”

Pit let out a grunt of annoyance at the nickname and prodded the human toward Jam with a hoof.

The human watched as she headed down a nearby stairwell. It twisted its head around to look down the unexplored hallway they’d been walking down, then rolled its shoulders with a growl and followed after her with Pit close behind.

✱  ✱  ✱

The night was crisp and breezy, and blankets of wispy clouds slid past the moon. It was a perfect night for a nice relaxing flight. The garden was peaceful, no obnoxious tourists or the sounds of activity from the city below. The nocturnal inhabitants of the garden called softly to one another.

The two guards would have enjoyed the fresh air if it weren’t for their charge.

“Go on, go… do your thing,” Jam encouraged the human.

They’d followed a path of flagstones around to a secluded corner and now stood in the grass waiting for the human to do something.

Anything really.

Instead, he just stood looking bored or giving the two questioning glances when they tried to prompt him.

“C’mon, we’ve been out here for ages already,” Pit complained, “Just… shit already!”

The human hooted like an owl at the impatient guard, causing him to quirk an eyebrow and pull his head back.

“Whoa, he makes way too many sounds,” Jam noted, “Maybe he’s never been out here? He… does he need permission or something?” She looked at Pit, then back to the human. “Go on, Dark, go potty. Like this, Dark,” she said, turning to feign a squat.

The thestral grunted in emulated constipation while looking at the creature, who tilted his head at her example.

“Jam, what are you doing?” Pit asked, looking wildly around to make sure no one saw them.

“Just trying to get him to do something, Pit.”

“You look like an idiot,” he said flatly.

“Oh, like you could do better?”

“Tch, fine,” he said, taking his place beside her.

He turned his backside toward the human and lowered himself to an even deeper squat, grunting even harder.

“Like, hrrn, this, Dork.”

The human tilted his head even further the other way at his antics, and Jam snickered at his attempt.

“Oh so that’s how it’s gonna be,” she laughed, taking her place beside him. “Here, Dark, go potty like, thiiiissSsSsSsS,” she grunted even louder.

“No, like this… harrrnnngggg!”

“HUURRRRFFF!”

“HYAARRRNNNNG!!”

“HNKKUFFFFFFRKK!!!”

“RAARNNNGEHCKKK!!!!”

The two continued their competition with more and more exaggerated grunts and squats as they glared at each other with red faces while panting from exertion, but the human remained unimpressed. He stared at them for half a minute like that then looked around. He carefully stepped back onto the flagstone path, then with knees bent and forelegs raised for balance, carefully and quietly crept away back toward the castle.

Of course, the twins were far too caught up in their spat to notice.

✱  ✱  ✱

Midnight Blossom, Captain of the Lunar Guard.

It was a coveted position for thestrals. Not that a non-thestral couldn’t hold the position, but it was no secret Luna preferred the nocturnal tribe for her guards. As much as she hated to admit it, it was a blessing that she did. Thestrals weren’t favored in most trades, even if their skills were on-par with their brethren, but now they had a chance at prestigious positions working for the crown. The positive public exposure was doing wonders for her tribe as a whole, and many found guard work a good use of their natural abilities.

She was enjoying her early morning stroll through the castle. It wasn’t a required patrol for her, but she liked to show that she was working hard with her guards, not just sitting around doing paperwork all night like that golden colt Shining Armor.

That and the paperwork was so damn boring.

She passed a pair of guards at their posts, armor shined to perfection and standing dutifully despite the low traffic. She smiled at the discipline her ponies had and received a respectful nod from them in return as she passed. It was easy to get lost in the bureaucracy of upper command, but seeing them like this on her patrols reminded her how proud she was of them for exceeding expectations–

Her head snapped to the side. She saw something out in the gardens below. It was hard to tell from the glare on the windows and the clouds outside, but she’d walked this route enough times to know when something was off.

She smiled, perhaps a bit too wickedly.

Finally some action.

She picked up the pace and cantered down a nearby stairwell, then past the gala hall to the garden entrance. The wind and nightly sounds masked the commotion but she could hear signs of a struggle. She crouched down and prowled across the cool grass like a cat, pupils dilating to illuminate the dark garden and ears tilting at every nearby sound.

The closer she got the stranger it sounded. Rather than a fight, it almost sounded as if some lovebirds were having a little liaison. Not quite the kind of excitement she was hoping for but still something she couldn’t overlook.

She jumped around a tall hedge and stood ready to put an end to whatever it–

…

There were nights Midnight Blossom was proud of her guards’ hard work and professionalism, showing that they were every bit the solar guards’ equals.

And then there were nights like this.

She wore a look of profound disappointment on her face as she stared at her two thestrals squatting behind the bushes with their backs toward her. They were taking turns making the most horrific grunts of constipation equinely possible and occasionally laughing when the other made a particularly absurd effort, blissfully unaware of their commanding officer standing behind them.

“AHEM…”

Midnight Blossom cleared her throat loudly between their apparent attempts to birth Mount Canterhorn a new little sibling and they froze. Their ears were laid flat in her direction and after a moment they turned their heads mechanically toward her, mouths agape and pupils shrunk to slivers.

“Corporal Plum Jam, Corporal Plum Pit, it certainly is a fine night out, wouldn’t you say?” she asked in a deceptively calm tone while wearing a predatory smile.

The two guards spun around in a blur and came to attention on reflex.

“M-Ma’am we can explain!” Jam blurted with all the confidence of someone who knew they could not, in fact, explain.

“Oh, well let’s hope you can for the sake of your poor wings and legs after I’m done with you. Go on, I’m listening.”

The twins gulped and glanced at each other to determine who would speak.

“Uh, ok, we were guarding Luna’s pet while it slept in her room like we were assigned,” Jam began.

“Of course,” the captain commented casually, “The very important billet that Luna herself requested that I assured her we could handle…”

The guards’ tails tucked at that and they began to fidget.

“Y-Yes, um, that, well, the human creature came out of the room, you see,” Jam continued.

“…So you guided it back in and continued standing guard, right?”

“We couldn’t stop it,” Pit interjected.

Midnight Blossom gave him a hard look and her false composure began to fall away.

“Two of my very capable Lunar Guards couldn’t stop one pet?”

It wasn’t a question but a challenge. Pit gave his sister a look for help then glanced back to face her.

“Ma’am, the creature was uncooperative but we could not exercise additional force on it without knowing how it would react or, well, how the princess would react,” he said with gathered bravery.

Blossom stared him down for a dozen seconds before continuing.

“Acknowledged,” she said simply, “So how, then, did you end up out here?”

The pair visibly relaxed when their superior seemed to accept their explanation so far, and Jam took up the burden of continuing their story with fresh confidence.

“Well, it started wandering the halls, so we guided it out here to go to the bathroom if it needed, then we were going to see if it needed food. It, er, he wasn’t going though, so I tried um, pretending to go to get him to do his business?” Her confidence wavered as her statement came out like a question. “Pit said I wasn’t acting good enough and then we sorta got into a competition to see who could act it out the best,” she finished with a sheepish smile.

Blossom nodded and hummed at the mare’s explanation of events so far, then fixed them with a tranquil look to deliver the coup de grâce to the unsuspecting duo.

“I see, I see. So… where is the princess’ pet?”

“Oh, he’s right over there,” she answered with enthusiasm and pointing with a foreleg.

All three ponies turned to look on at the wonderfully empty stillness of the garden where she indicated. Jam’s smile began to shrink and she swept her leg over to indicate yet another empty expanse of grass and flowers, then another. Her smile was abandoned for a look of worry as she dropped her hoof and began whipping her head around in every direction. Pit jumped into the air and sped all over the expansive garden looking behind all the bushes and blind spots before returning to them with a look of fear.

He dropped to the ground beside his sister and they shared a look before staring off into the distance.

“Oh, buck,” they said in unison.