Crystal ponies of all shapes and colors lounged about the library, mutely perusing the fount of sacred knowledge. Among them was a blue hippogriff, whose light-gray talons made the faintest of clicks on the glistening floor as he passed. The hippogriff winced at the noise as it broke the careful, muted silence. The ponies, however, seemed not to notice; so he picked up his pace a bit.
In his mind, the hippogriff listed the subjects of the books he was passing; Macroscopic Abstraction, Advanced Levitation, Studies of Limbo and the Ether, Dimensional travel… Each of these subjects was something he had learned about in his studies in the past, but today he was looking for something a bit different. Ah! His mind soon attached to an ancient tome in the back; labeled long-term enchantment. He carefully slipped his claw into the recess and extracted the precious bound pages.
The front door of the library suddenly slammed open with a crack the apparent volume of a supernova. A vaguely familiar voice shouted at the top of it’s lungs; “ZOOKS!!!”
The blue hippogriff winced at the shout of his own name. He, along with half of the other residents of the library, had his attention practically ripped towards the entrance, where a yellow-feathered figure was floating in the doorway, lightly flapping his wings.
The librarian behind the desk caught the yellow griffin-like figure’s attention with a glare. “a-HEM… may I help you?” she asked with as much politeness as she could muster. The winged figure, apparently oblivious to his taboo, responded enthusiastically; “Oh! Yes, actually! I’m looking for a blue Hippogriffin; about yea high, silver highlights…”
Zooks didn’t wait for the situation to progress further.He waved down the librarian as he hurried down to ground level and spoke.
“Oh- sorry! Sorry, Amethyst! This is.. Um..”
“Brother!” Shouted the yellow figure as he practically tackled Zooks to the ground with a hug. Zooks couldn’t help but smile even as he winced.
“Yup. It’s good to see you, too, Gad.”
Almost all of the current residents of the library were staring now, causing Zooks’ cheeks to slowly start fading from blue to red. He had to say something.
“Uh, Amethyst, this is my twin brother, Gad! He’s here to help me with a bit of a project.”
Amethyst Maresbury looked Gad over with a critical eye. “Ah! So you’re the brother I’ve heard so much about these past few weeks. I’d expect someone so closely related to Zooks to have more… *ahem*… tact.”
Gad’s face twisted in confusion, then soon afterward completely drained of color. His beak then curved into a sheepish smile as his talons chased each other in tiny circles. “Eh… heheh… sorry. I was just… kinda excited.”
“Just.. don’t make it a repeat offense.” Amethyst said.
“Yes ma’am!” Gad said enthusiastically as he gave a smart, stiff-armed griffonian salute. then, realizing his mistake, he whispered; “I mean, yes ma’am.”
“...aaaaanyway-” Zooks interrupted; “I found the book I was looking for; I’d just like to check this out for a day or two, If that’s alright?”
“Yes, of course.” Amethyst said as she took the briefest of looks at the ancient tome, then opened the cover to pull out the little card on the inside and stamp it. “I hope it helps!” she said as she handed it back.
Zooks accepted the book thankfully and waved as he retreated out of the door Gad had burst in through. “Thanks! I’ll see you when I return it!”
Gad could hardly contain his excitement until the doors to the crystalline library closed behind them. The instant they clicked shut, he let out a shriek. “AAAAH! Sorry, I’m just so EXCITED! How long has it been; like... five years? Gad and Zooks, dream team, dynamic duo, back together again!” Gad spiraled into the air as he said it to punctuate. Then, as he glided down to fall into stride next his brother, who had begun to walk towards the outer edge of the crystal city, he asked; “soo… what did you call me over for anyway?”
“Uh… maybe I’ll save that bit for later.” Zooks said. “First off, how’s the smithy?”
“Eh, can’t complain. It’s nice, but… I don’t think settling down is the life for me. not yet, leastways.”
“I guess that explains the new sword,” Zooks said. Gesturing towards the scabbard on Gad’s back with a gleaming golden hilt sticking out of one end.
“Wha- oh!” Gad said as he realised what Zooks was referring to. “Well… sorta. Probably not in the way you think. It’s a bit of a long story. I’ll tell you later. Where are we going, anyway?”
“I have an apartment out on the edge of the city; It’s cheap, as far as crystal empire accommodations go anyways, and I have a project there I wanna show you.”
“Oooooooh!” Gad said as he moved to look Zooks in the face, walking backwards as Zooks moved forward. “Is that the thing you said you’d called me over to help with?”
Zooks scrunched his face in thought. “Uh, not quite. Close, though! It’s a bit of a surprise...”
Gad squinted suspiciously until he could hardly see. “Well, all right, but with all this buildup, this better be one of the BEST surprises EVER!” And with that, Gad turned around and picked up the pace, forcing Zooks to catch up a bit.
Gad nearly ran straight past Zooks’ apartment, which was a humble two-story crystal building that was wedged between two others on either side. Zooks had to give a small whistle to catch his attention before Gad noticed that he had stopped in front of it. Zooks took a deep breath before speaking;
“Alrighty, Gad… prepare to be amazed!”
Zooks dramatically threw the door open to reveal… a tent. in the middle of the apartment’s living room was a small, dome-shaped grass-green canvas tent that looked decidedly out of place among the shining crystalline furniture. Off to the side of the room was a table filled with various seemingly random implements; a blowtorch, a cup of chalk, an inkwell and quill, some random scraps of metal and cloth, and something that vaguely looked like a toaster oven that had been assembled by a mad scientist.
“Umm…. okay…” Gad said as he entered. “That’s… um… what is it?”
“It’s just a tent right now.” Zooks said.
“Oh! Phew!” Gad said, wiping his brow. “I thought one of us had gone crazy for a second. Why is there a tent in your living room?”
“Come inside and I’ll show you!” Zooks said as he unzipped the front door and beckoned Gad inside.
As Gad entered, he didn’t notice anything strange about the interior of the tent, other than a multicolored circle that had apparently been drawn on the floor and filled with complex combinations of shapes and runes. Zooks soon followed his brother in, and immediately picked the book he’d checked out from the library out of his saddlebags, opening it to the table of contents on the ground.
“Now; if I’m remembering right, the sequence I need should be riiight…” Zooks mused until his talon struck a listing. Then he quickly flipped to the indicated page and nodded, satisfied.
“Just a sec, lemme grab something.” Zooks mumbled as he exited the tent. He soon after returned with an ornate inkwell whose contents shimmered with an iridescent light. Zooks set the well down and, very carefully, dipped a quill into it. As he extracted the pen, his eyes flicked over to the diagrams contained within the book, which, to Gad, looked more like a bowl of Chineighse alphabet soup than anything else. Zooks looked satisfied, though, and gingerly moved the quill to an empty space in his circle in order to complete a small sequence of runes.
As the ink dried, Gad hesitantly stepped forward to inspect the new addition.
“Um… is that it?” Gad asked. He didn’t want to say he was unimpressed, but…
“Just needs an infusion of magical energy.” Zooks voice said from the outside of the tent as he slipped past his brother to retrieve something.
“Uh- outside of enlisting a unicorn, how’s that gonna happe-” Gad began to say before he turned to see what Zooks had retrieved.
Zooks’ talons were currently slipped through a pair of elastic bands that attached them to a pair of flat stones, which sparked with barely-contained electricity as he rubbed them together.
“CLEAR!” Zooks shouted just before he lunged towards Gad, electric stones sparking.
Gad instinctively dodged out of the way, allowing Zooks to hit the runic circle with both stones.
The arcane symbols on the floor pulsed with multicolored light a few times. Then the ground beneath Gad’s feet began to tremble; and before he knew it, the canvas walls of the tent began to move. Like the reverse of a trap from a daring-do novel, the interior of the tent expanded outward in all directions from the circle, pushing the brothers apart as the floor’s material expanded.
“Wow. that’s awesome!” Gad said. “But… I mean you coulda just bought a bigger tent…”
Zooks smiled knowingly. “Ah, but I didn’t want a bigger tent.”
Gad’s face contorted in confusion for a second before apparently realizing the implications of the statement. He quickly flew out of the tent door to inspect the exterior.
The outside of the tent was, remarkably, unchanged. It’s sides hadn’t, in fact, expanded to fill the room like Gad had assumed. Gad did a quick circuit of the tent’s circumference before peeking back into the interior, which was as expansive as ever.
“It’s bigger on the inside!” Gad said.
“MUAHAAHAHAHAAAAH!” was Zooks’ reply.
Gad repeatedly stuck his head out of the door and back. “Dude! This is awesome! BIG TENT! Small tent. BIG TENT! Small tent. How in the world-”
“I’ve turned the interior of the tent into a pocket dimension.” Zooks responded in anticipation of Gad’s question. “Welcome to the in-tents dimension!”
Gad couldn’t help a stifled laugh at that one. “But, I mean… why? Are you gonna mass-produce these things and make a fortune?”
“Not likely.” Zooks said as he looked up at his handiwork.. “The proper ink alone cost me enough bits to buy a small house.”
“WHAT?!” Gad’s beak hung open. He knew several Griffons back in griffonstone who would have fainted at the mere mention of that much money being spent on ink of all things. “Then... Then what’s it for?”
Zooks’ eyes looked toward the ceiling while he grabbed his left forearm with his right. “Mostly just for science, but… I’d also hoped to use it for another project; the one I called you here to help me with.”
“Ooh! You have another project? Where is it?” Gad said excitedly, looking around the tent for another fantastical magical artifact.
“Uh, it’s a research project.” Zooks said.
“Oh.”Gad wilted a bit. He wasn’t keen on books; or at least not the ones typically associated with Zooks’ research.
“The thing is,” Zooks began; “I’ve reached a point in my studies where I think I can’t learn any more from just the books in the library. I need to get out into the field to test some of my theories.”
Gad gasped at that. “You mean we’re going on an ADVENTURE?!”
Zooks was taken aback by Gad’s enthusiasm. “Uh, yeah! I mean, you’re the most adventurous person I know, and it doesn’t really matter where we go as long as we get a variety of conditions-”
“I am SO IN!” Gad shouted.
“Okay, so… this is the point at which we get out of my area of expertise and into yours. I have all the equipment I need, but not much money left from my scholarship…”
“Hmmm…” Gad pondered for a moment. “We’ll have to take odd jobs along the way, probably. We’ll need an ad! Quick! Get some paper!”
Gad practically carried Zooks out of the tent and over to the table, where the inkwell and parchment he’d seen earlier was waiting. “Take a note, Zooks!”
Zooks quickly dipped his quill and waited for words.
Gad waved a taloned hand and stared off into the middle distance as he dictated. “Gad and Zooks, adventurers for hire!”
Zooks furiously scribbled down the words, then waited for more. They didn’t come.
“Uh… anything else?” Zooks asked.
“Nope. Never thought this far ahead.” Gad said matter-of-factly.
Zooks got to thinking. “Well, uh, we’ll need to specify what kind of services we’re offering…” His quill began moving again.
“Probably make sure we’re not hired to do anything evil.” Gad said.
“...Let them know where they can contact us…” Zooks continued.
“...Set a policy for trans-dimensional jobs…” Gad added.
Zooks gave Gad a quizzical look. “You really think we’ll be getting offers from other dimensions?”
Gad shrugged. “You never know. It’s best to be prepared.”
Zooks thought on that for a moment, then wrote it down. “Okay… now what do we do with it?”
Gad snatched the parchment and rolled it up. “I know the perfect place to post this; a meeting of people from all corners of equestria and beyond… a nexus of worlds where people share stories of their grand adventures both real and fictional. I like to call it; ‘Fimfiction ‘. Mostly because that’s what it’s called.”
Zooks squinted in confusion. “What?”
Gad And Zooks, Adventurers for hire!
We are willing and prepared to take on any and all adventurous jobs* you are willing to pay** us for!
*Potential services include but are not limited to: Manual labor, Exorcism/Extermination of evil/annoying creatures, Guinea pig services, Private investigative services, Magic consultation, retrieval and transportation of precious/semi-precious artifacts, and general friendly advice. Absolutely zero NSFW or outright evil jobs will be accepted.
**Payment will be negotiated per job depending on extent and type of services rendered.
Gad and Zooks happily accept requests from other dimensions, including but not limited to Crossovers, AUs, Fourth-wall-breaks and pocket dimensions, provided that the employer is willing and able to provide up-front interdimensional travel expenses or arrangements. (We accept 3rd-class accommodations)
If you have a job for us, please contact us via equestrian mail service or Commenting below. We can’t promise we’ll do it right, but we do promise we’ll try very hard!
Author's Note
So at this point I'm handing things over to you, dear viewer. Leave a suggestion as to what Gad and Zooks should do next, or write a letter in-character asking them to do a job for you!
As for anyone who wants to know what Zooks' secret project is... Well, that might come up later.
Thomas Harner; CEO of CTC LLC
CTC Shipping LLC. EST 2015 Bowling Green, Ohio, USA
Dear Mr. Gad and Mr. Zooks,
We at Coast To Coast Shipping strive to deliver all freight on time. But due to a few 'issues', we have been requiring new employees at our warehouse in Nashville TN. The current positions are front entrance Security and Forklift Operator. We would like to hire you both as temporary staff. Everything from Hourly pay to Lodging will be covered plus training by our vetrean workers. Full benifits are included. Pay is up to $50/hr. If you have any questions or would like to accept the offer, please call at 1-800-445-3325.
Signed,
Thomas Harner CEO of CTC LLC.
Zooks squinted at the letter, which was written on a parchment that was more white than he had ever seen before. Gad, who had handed it to him, looked over his shoulder.
“So… you have any idea what to make of this?” Gad said
“Well, I think it’s a job offer.” Zooks said.
“Well, yeah.” Gad said, rolling his eyes. “But what I meant to ask was, is it, like, from another world?”
“I mean, I think so… but it’s hard to tell, isn’t it?” Zooks said. “They didn’t list their dimension in the address, so it might be difficult to find them…”
“Well maybe that’s what the number at the end there is for?” Gad said.
“I mean… maybe, but it’s not like any dimensional address I’ve ever seen.” Zooks stated as he squinted at the clusters of numbers.
“Well, at least the pay is good… I think…” Gad said. “Any idea what that kind of currency that ‘S’ symbol is supposed to mean?”
“Nope.” Zooks said. “But I’m not sure we can afford to refuse anyway; This seems like the only offer we’ve got so far, and we’re already running low on supplies.”
“But how do we find them?” Gad asked. “I mean, without their dimensional address?”
Zooks thought for a second. “Well, If I can get my hands on some crystal chalk I might be able to run a trace on this letter; then it’d simply be a matter of reversing the Matrix to send us there. That’d be expensive though.”
Gad smiled; “ah!” he said; “but you forget that, per the original contract, all interdimensional travel arrangements are to be covered by the employer. We’re good to go!”
Zooks worried expression melted away. “Oh yeah!” he said. Then he adopted a confused look. “um, you do think that these folks are aware of how much interdimensional travel costs, right?”
“Pssh! Of course!” Gad said. “This letter is obviously from some sort of higher being with unparalleled knowledge of the multiverse. How else could this letter have reached us?”
Zooks thought about that for a moment, then shrugged. “You have a point,” he said.
Thomas Hamer, CEO of Coast-to-Coast Shipping, was, in fact, extremely unaccustomed to interdimensional portals. Therefore, when one appeared near the ceiling in his office, he was surprised, confused, and perhaps even a little fearful. His confusion mounted considerably when A small, green bundle exited the tear through spacetime, followed quickly by two feathered, quadrupedal creatures.
“Hi!” shouted the yellow one.
“Um, hello.” the blue one said. “We’re here about the job. Also, you currently owe us 62 Equestrian bits.”
It was then that Thomas began to think that responding to an ad on a fanfiction website may have been a bad idea.
“Soo… what exactly is a forklift?” Zooks asked as he was led towards a large, gray warehouse.
John, The skinny young man escorting him, raised an eyebrow. He had been doing this with alarming frequency ever since the blue hippogriffin had reported in for his shift.
“Do they not have machines where you come from?”
“Machines?” Zooks said as he suddenly pressed his beak uncomfortably close to the Human’s face and looked him in the eyes. “I love machines!” From his tone, John thought it seemed like he had just been promised an entire candy store.
“Ooookaay…” John said as he pried Zooks’ talons off of his shoulders, enabling him to take a step away from the hippogriffin. “Well a forklift is a cargo-loading machine. You pick up boxes with it, then drive it wherever we need them to go, and put them down.”
It was Zooks’ turn to raise an eyebrow. “Drive it? Well, I mean if that’s how you normally do it.” He reached into his bags and pulled out a cattle prod, letting it crackle and pop with bolts of electricity once it was out.
John took another step back. “Holy- Why do you keep a taser-stick in your backpack?”
Zooks’ expression became even more confused. “You don’t?”
Gad was bored. He had thought that any job labeled ‘security’ would be full of detective-work and chasing down bad guys. In reality, Gad was standing next to a warehouse door at two in the morning, trying not to fall asleep.
For his part, Gad stood stock still and kept his eyes peeled open for as long as he could manage, but unfortunately many years of sleeping on the trail had enabled him to sleep in practically any position. Before he knew it, he was snoring on the asphalt and concrete ground, a thin line of drool extending from his beak.
Across from Gad’s sleeping form, in the bushes on the far side of a chain link fence, a rustling could be heard; or would have been heard if anyone listening had been awake at the time. Two faces hidden by black ski masks emerged from the darkness and scanned the warehouse compound.
“You sure about this, Joe?” one, skinnier figure said.
“Absolutely, Jerry.” the other replied; he was larger, and smelled faintly of beef and cheese. “This warehouse has been understaffed for the last couple weeks; now’s the perfect time to pull this job.” He pulled out a pair of wire-cutters and began working on the fence as his partner kept a lookout.
As Jerry's eyes scanned the concrete landscape, lit orange by various security lights, they fell upon a small form slumped next to a warehouse entrance. He patted his partner’s shoulder and directed his attention towards the orange-yellow lump.
“What’s that over there?” Jerry whispered.
Joe sighed and took his attention away from his work with the wire-cutters. He squinted in the low light.
“I dunno.” he finally said. “Maybe it’s some roadkill; who cares?.” Joe attempted to get back to cutting the fence.
“Don’t look like any roadkill I ever et.” Jerry said. “And I think it’s still breathin’. Maybe they got some kinda guard dog?”
Joe rolled his eyes. “If they can’t afford any staff, they can’t afford any dogs for sure.”
Jerry screwed up his face. “Really? You think so?”
Joe eyed Jerry. “Don’t you know nothing about eco-nomics?”
Jerry shrugged. “Nope. I dropped out of high school before then.”
Joe’s gaze narrowed. “Well so did I, but you don’t see me using it as an excuse. Just keep your eyes out for any real guards, will ya?”
Jerry dutifully peeled his eyes once again and surveyed the mostly empty lot while his partner finished cutting away a section of the fence. One he was able to fold it open, Joe motioned Jerry inside. Jerry may have been a noodle-armed idiot, but Joe also knew that Jerry was by far the sneakier of the two, not to mention that Joe would rather Jerry be the foremost target if they were to be discovered.
Jerry silently went on ahead, only signalling Joe once he was sure no guards were coming. Joe then followed, his own footsteps about as stealthy as a careful Hippopotamus despite his best efforts. As the duo neared the warehouse, Jerry put out an arm to stop his partner.
“I dunno what that thing is, but it ain’t no roadkill, and it certainly ain’t no dog.” Jerry whispered.
Joe gritted his teeth. “It don’t matter what it is; it’s sleeping! Get moving!”
Jerry didn’t move. “I don’t feel good about this. What if it’s one of them fancy new see-cure-ity systems?”
“It ain't!” Joe said, getting to the edges of what could be considered a whisper before stopping himself. “Just- you know what? Fine. I’ll go first.”
Joe pushed past Jerry, who proceeded to peek out from behind his partner’s shoulder like an archer taking cover behind the battlements of a castle. Joe’s squeaking shoes were unbearable as they approached the sleeping form, and as they passed by, Jerry switched sides to keep his partner between him and the strange creature.
Joe reached the warehouse’s sliding door and smiled. “Heh, y’see Jerry? No problem at all.” He proceeded to softly break the padlock with his bolt-cutters.
The door had only opened a tiny crack when Gad’s eyes flew open. He immediately sprung to his four feet and rounded on the infiltrators, giving a growl reminiscent of a lion’s With his wings flared. Both Joe and Jerry froze in place.
“Now don’t panic.” Joe said slowly and quietly as he struggled to contain his panic. “We got him outnumbered; we could take him.”
Gad drew his golden longsword from it’s previously unnoticed scabbard.
Joe had been about to say something else to Jerry, but when he looked, he found that his partner had suddenly disappeared; though he did hear panicked, fading footsteps from far, far away.
Joe sprinted for the chain link fence as Gad flapped his wings and swung wildly through the air using both front claws; A sound emanated from Gad’s beak that might have been compared to Donald Duck if the cartoon character had caught rabies and gone full serial killer. Joe didn’t dare look back until he had slipped back under the chain link fence and vowed seven times over never to do anything like this ever again.
Another guard, a human one, ran around the edge of the warehouse, where he found Gad back at his post, who was wiping the spittle off of his beak.
“What was that noise?” the guard asked. “And… what happened to you?”
“Oh, just an involuntary reaction.” Gad said, his speech somewhat distorted as he got the last of the moisture off of his face. “Did you know griffons have a hoarding instinct? They make the best sentries in equestria, and I’m at least half griffon.”
