Flim and Flam Dye Some Babies

by Mockingbirb

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Moondancer, Comedy, Shining Armor, Flim and Flam
Length: 1479

Flim and Flam have their best idea ever! Afterwards, Celestia tells Twilight Sparkle to fix all the problems she didn't cause (especially the evil problems.)

Flim and Flam have their best idea ever.

Afterwards, Celestia tells Twilight Sparkle to fix all the problems she didn't cause (especially the evil problems.)

(Inspired by the inexplicably large number of fimfics about hair dye...and also, the recent fad for stories about hair dye and babies.)

Published 2021-10-23 07:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-23 07:50:00 UTC

Foal Problems

Flim whispered to a young mother in a hospital bed, "I know that a red and black unicorn can become...quite a hoofful. But I've found a kind, loving couple who would LOVE a little foal that matches their questionable interior decorating choices.

"For a perfectly reasonable handling fee, I will convey your little darling to an adoring family who will take even better care of him than you would."

The mare looked down at her little red-maned, black-coated, slit-pupiled newborn. The foal's mouth opened, exposing sharp fangs.

The new mother thought: Holy Celestia, this thing creeps me out. She said, "I'm listening."

***

On the other side of town, Flim's brother Flam had converted a warehouse into an orphanage. In an array of cribs, little foals laughed and cried and sucked on bottles.

"I promise you," Flam told a young mare, "if you volunteer here for a few hundred hours, it will DEFINITELY help your application for nursing school."

The mare stuck her nose over the edge of a crib, and nuzzled the foal within. "He is SO adorable," she said.

Flam pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of his striped jacket. "Here," he said, "Let me get that." He rubbed at the new green splotch around her nostrils, where the baby's coat dye had transferred to the mare's muzzle.

Her nose was still green. He wiped again and again, more forcefully each time.

***

In her boutique, Rarity narrowed her eyes at a mustached unicorn wearing a jacket with bold, bright red and white stripes. She said coldly, "What can I do for you? Aside from burning that jacket, which you should get out of my store this instant."

The unicorn refused to take the hint. "I'd like a list of your customers, and which colors they like best. It could be a very profitable undertaking." (For me only, he didn't bother to say. But having dealt with him before, Rarity could already guess.)

Rarity sighed. "I'm warning you, Flam. My fabric magic is very skilled."

"Pfft!" the visitor said. "What are you going to do, SEW me to death?"

"What an intriguing suggestion. I wonder how long that would take?"

A moment later, the visitor leaped up. "Ouch!" he shouted. He ran out of the store.

"Wait!" Rarity shouted. "I've hardly BEGUN my game of 'sew the tail on the ass!'"

***

Royal guardsponies swarmed all over the warehouse, inside and out.

"I've found the merchandise!" a stallion shouted, and gestured other ponies to a door.

When the guards entered, they found an enormous room full of babies and cribs. One harried young mare ran from crib to crib. Her coat was covered with splotches of different colors.

"Thank Celestia you're here!" she said. "It's practically a crime, to have so many babies and only one nurse to care for them all. Please tell me you've brought help!"

One of the babies bit down on the bottle wedged between its little legs. A sudden leak sprayed a stream of milk, hitting a guardspony right in the face.

"You see what I have to deal with?" she wailed. "Since when do newborns have FANGS?"

Captain Shining Armor trotted through the door, and inspected the milk-spraying infant. "This is the worst case I've ever seen. And once my sister used a time machine to show me an infant alicorn named Flurry Heart."

He said in a serious tone, "It's time to call for backup."

***

Three weeks later, a formerly abandoned, spooky old school building had been hastily renovated. Between two Gothic style turrets, a cloth banner flapped. The sign read, "Celestia's School for Cursed Unicorns (Etc.)"

A pale, winged horse with a unicorn horn smiled down from the roof. She watched the First Day Assembly of the entering class and their new caretakers. "It's the least I could do, really."

Beside her, a little purple unicorn mare named Twilight Sparkle asked, "Do you really think this is a good idea? Telling all these foals that they're cursed?"

Celestia snorted. "Don't worry, Twilight! Only the very worst cases of OC Disease can comprehend Ponish when they're newborns. We have MONTHS until most of these little ponies will understand the voices calling them unholy abominations."

From somewhere below, a deep, echoing voice intoned verses in Horse Latin.

"Who's that?" Twilight asked. "Do they even KNOW they're conjugating their verbs wrong?"

Celestia patted Twilight on the head. "Don't worry, Twilight. Whenever you gather this many cursed abominations together, hardly an hour goes by without some kind of manifestation visiting from another realm of existence. It's natural and normal...considering."

Twilight grumbled, "I can't bear to think of how these little foals will suffer, for horrible wrongnesses that aren't really their fault."

Celestia replied, "I knew you would care, Twilight. You have a good heart. And you have a loyal, dependable assistant who is completely fireproof, which is also a good thing."

"Huh?" Twilight said.

"To show my confidence in you, I'm giving you a new job. A job that's practically like my own."

Twilight's face lit up with joy. "You're appointing me Empress of the Crystal Empire? I won't let you down." She jumped up and down with glee. "First decree: double library funding. No, triple it. Or maybe--"

Celestia interrupted, "I was thinking of my role as official headmistress of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. But not THAT school, exactly..."

"Oh no. Oh NO. Don't you dare."

"But I already gave Spike five hundred bottles of black and red hair dye, so he can give you a fresh dye job every few days, and help you fit in with your new students." Celestia leaned in closer to her protege. She whispered, "I have a secret reason for giving you this job."

"What is it?"

"I want somepony brilliant to investigate the secrets that can make a black and red alicorn. Or...red and black alicorn? Either one, really. No, both!"

Twilight blinked. "Did you say...ALicorn?"

"Oops!" Celestia smiled. "I'm afraid I said a little more than I meant to. I believe somewhere in these foul, dirty diapery smelling premises, the secret to black and red alicorn magic is hidden. Waiting for somepony very special to unlock it."

Twilight whispered, "You want me to become an alicorn. So you're hoofing me the opportunity."

"Only a genius could make it work," Celestia said. "But I have confidence in you. I've always hoped for you to become an alicorn."

After the rest of the pep talk, leaving Twilight Sparkle full of enthusiasm about her new job as headmistress of a cursed, evil twenty-four hour daycare center, Celestia strolled away towards her next appointment of the day.

A nearby bakery needed a quality inspection, focusing on its most delicious products. It was a thankless job, but somepony had to do it.

But wasn't there one other thing she'd been meaning to do? Something that the Flim and Flam Dying Babies Crisis had distracted her from?

She shrugged. If it was truly important, she'd remember it sooner or later. When you were an immortal alicorn, you eventually learned that most jobs could be put off for a generation or two. Or if they couldn't be put off that long, you simply delegated them to somecreature. It really was that simple.

But in the back of her mind, something nagged at the Sun Princess. Celestia decided she would have to drink some extra margaritas that evening, to make the little voice shut up.

***

Three years later, in the Royal Archives, a pale, redheaded unicorn wore her unruly bangs tied up into a silly topknot. She opened an extra-large envelope.

"Huh. Starswirl's Unfinished Spell. But how can I know what to write on the catalog card, unless I can read the entire spell?" She squinted at Starswirl's infamously bad hornwriting. "Maybe I can figure out what the rest of this is supposed to say."

She looked out the window, at the night sky. The moon loomed over Canterlot. Upon the moon's face, the red and black visage of Dyedmare Sparkle glared down at all Equestria.

The unicorn sighed at the moon. "Oh, Twilight. If only you were here now. You were always so good at solving puzzles like these, before you went evil."

The unicorn took another look at the document. "But at least I can try. If I really put my mind to it, who knows what I can achieve?" She laughed. "Maybe someday I could become Alicorn Princess Moondancer, Princess of Books!"

She examined the ancient document. Solving this might take weeks of serious research. It was going to be so much fun!

Author's Note

I make no guarantees about whether I might ever, in the next thousand years, write a continuation chapter or sequel. But I might! :twilightsmile:

So I guess Dyedmare Sparkle might be up there for a while.