An Inspection, Two Bits, And An Autograph
“Um… hello?” Twilight asked as she tilted her head, confused by the three ponies standing outside her castle. “Can I help you?”
“Yes, you certainly can,” a white stallion with pepper black hair dotted with white speckles answered. “My name is Picky Paper, and these are my associates Motor Mouth and Record Keeper.”
“Nice to meet you, Miss Sparkle,” Record Keeper said politely yet flatly, all business as she extended her hoof to the alicorn.
“Haha, uh, that’s Princess Sparkle, but it’s nice to meet you as well,” Twilight said nervously as she carefully shook hooves with each of the three.
“Actually, you can’t be a princess, seeing as neither of your parents are descendants of royalty,” Motor Mouth said factually. “Not to mention, you hardly look like a princess. I mean, you’re so short for a princess, and you have unbrushed bed hair. It looks like you just woke up.”
“Well, um, I did actually,” Twilight said, already frowning at the three of them, “but- what is this all about? What are you three doing here?”
“Well, simply put,” Picky Paper started, “we’re here with Ponyville’s Home Owner Association to discuss your, uh… residence.”
“This?” the mare asked, slightly confused, before smiling and continuing, “My castle isn’t a residence. It’s a government building, just like Princess Celestia’s castle in Canterlot and Cadance’s castle in the Crystal Empire. So, um, sorry guys.”
Record Keeper stepped forward, and with a very intimidating look, asked, “Miss Sparkle-”
“Um, that’s Princess Sparkle, please…” the alicorn got out as she took a step back, Record Keeper trying to close the distance between them.
“-where exactly do you live?”
“Uh, Ponyville, obviously, haha,” the mare answered, clearly avoiding the question. “But I don’t see how-”
“And what building in Ponyville might that be again?”
“Well, this one, but that doesn’t-”
“Well, according to Ponyville statutes, a home is defined as any residence that’s continuously inhabited for at least one hundred and eighty days of the year. It’s safe to say you’ve stayed in this residence that long, correct?”
“Well, yes, but-”
“So then if that’s the case, since it falls within the boundaries of Ponyville, it’s required that it abides by the codes set in the Ponyville Home Owner’s Association or you’ll be fined accordingly and/or your castle will be demolished.”
“I didn’t opt in to be part of an HOA, and the Equestrian Charter that was written when Celestia became ruler says that I can’t-”
“You’re a part of the Ponyville HOA by default, whether or not you opted into being a member,” Motor Mouth told her. “You accepted membership by placing your castle within city limits. As a PINO, I’d think you’d know these things, Miss Sparkle.”
“I’m- what? What is a PINO?”
“Princess In Name Only. As I said, you’re not related to authority, and I can’t see how Celestia made you princess of all ponies, seeing as you hardly govern anything. You only sit with your friends all day and eat hay fries from what I’ve seen. It looks like all the weight’s gone to your flanks, honestly.”
“I- no it hasn’t! And I do more than that! I’ve been actually working on some- actually, no. I’m not getting into this. Show me what’s wrong with my castle and I’ll get it fixed and you’ll be out of my mane quicker.”
“With pleasure, Miss Sparkle,” Picky Paper responded, sounding as though he’d be better talking to anypony else.
“Not to mention, Miss Sparkle,” Record Keeper started as she listed off yet another thing wrong with the outside of her property.
“Princess Sparkle,” Twilight corrected her with an obvious annoyed huff for what felt like the millionth time that day.
“-the bylaws clearly state that grass should be no taller than one centimeter in height. This grass is almost certainly a good three to four centimeters.”
“Wow, is it?” the alicorn said flatly, not even bothering to write down the complaints the three ponies listed anymore. “I never would have noticed.”
“Maybe you need a pair of glasses then,” Motor Mouth suggested, almost oblivious to her obvious sarcasm. “If you’re having vision problems, you should see the eye doctor. Maybe you can also talk to them about your increased risk of heart disease and diabetes from all those hayburgers. It’s bound to have an effect on your health.”
“Yes, and so will all that nagging you three are doing,” Twilight frustratedly told them. “Why does all this stuff even matter? It’s just grass, and my grass at that! How does having it more than one centimeter hurt you?”
“The same way a lost library book will hurt you, Miss Sparkle,” Picky Paper replied. “It might not seem harmful to some, but rules were meant to be followed, and these are the rules you must abide by.”
“But- that’s- library books aren’t the same as the height of the grass!” she tried to argue, but was ignored.
“Anyway, our bylaws also state you can’t have your place of residence ridiculous colors” he continued, “so we do expect that it be repainted at some point.”
“Oh, come on! How is it a ridiculous color?” she asked, completely fed up. “That’s not something any individual can determine!”
“Yes it is, and we’ve determined it. If you want, we can bring you a list of approved colors. Most of them are shades of white and off-white, although there’s a few browns and greys in there.”
“Yeah, well, I say your colors are ridiculous! I guess that means you can’t use those for your houses, which means everypony in Ponyville is in violation of the HOA’s bylaws.”
“That’s not how it works Miss Sparkle-” Record Keeper started.
“Princess! It’s Princess Sparkle, as granted by Princess Celestia herself!” She wasn’t normally this aggressive, but the ponies of the Ponyville HOA had been pushing her all morning. Still, even as she said it, they largely ignored her as they had been.
“-seeing as you’re not a member of the home owners association,” she finished simply.
“Then how can you just-”
“As we said,” Motor Mouth started, “if you were listening, you’re in Ponyville city limits, so you have to abide by the HOA’s bylaws. If you’d like to have a say in what bylaws are changed or vote on things in regards to your property, you have to submit a formal registration with the association. I mean, a book smart pony like you should know that, right? I can’t believe we have to tell you.”
“Fine! Whatever! Where do I submit to become a member? This is ridiculous!”
“We’re not accepting new member registrations at this time,” he said quickly, holding the most bored expression on his face he possibly could. “Besides, I’m not sure a pony like you would even have time to attend meetings, seeing as you like to-”
“I swear, if you make one more comment about me going to Hayburger, I’m gonna explode!”
“I hardly think you’ll physically explode as you suggest, Miss Sparkle,” he said. “Although if you did, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was because…” She turned her head in his direction and gave him a death glare, one that made him stop his sentence in his tracks, continuing on, “...well, anyway, you can make a complaint if you like. Our office is a joint office with Mayor Mare’s, and all requests should be reviewed and responded to in six to eight weeks. Now if we continue on…”
Twilight tried her best to pay attention and not go off on the three of them, and somehow managed to make it through the entire viewing of her property, watching as they pointed out every little thing wrong with it. She wasn’t one to complain about rules, far from it actually. In fact, in most cases, she’d be the pony most knowledgeable to go to about rules of some sort. She understood the importance of rules and why they were meant to be followed. However, some of the rules they listed were just… out there. Signs couldn’t be put up unless they were painted against a red background, you couldn’t carry open food containers outside, just… things that made absolutely no sense to the mare. And the three didn’t give much of an explanation on why the rules were in place, only that they were and they expected them to be followed.
“Honestly, Miss Sparkle, this castle is quite the eyesore, to say the least,” Picky told her.
“It’s an eyesore?” she asked, completely flabbergasted by the notion. “How in the wide, wide world of Equestria is my castle an eyesore?”
“It’s quite out of place in a town like Ponyville,” Record Keeper said. “Honestly, I don’t see why you couldn’t have kept Golden Oaks Library here instead. It was much better suited for this town than that… thing.” She pointed a hoof at the castle as she said it and frowned, clearly not particularly pleased about the change.
“You think I tried to get Tirek to destroy my home?” the princess asked angrily.
“Well, you certainly didn’t do a good job in preventing it,” Motor Mouth responded. “I mean, honestly, as somepony who’s expected to defend Equestria from harm, you do a pretty poor job sometimes.”
“Anyway, I’d say it’s about time we inspect the inside, shall we?” Picky Paper got out.
“What would you want to do with the inside?” the alicorn asked. “No HOA I know of ever inspects the inside of a home. You might be able to say what the outside looks like, but the inside is off limits!”
“We need to make sure the ceilings are in accordance with regulations and the windows are properly tinted and such. If you would so kindly lead the way?”
“Honestly, Miss Sparkle, I’d say it’s pretty arrogant to have stained glass portraits of yourself on your windows,” Motor Mouth told her, “but then again, I’m not a PINO.”
“And it’s fairly rude to make a comment about every little thing,” she shot back with severe annoyance, “but then again, I’m not a motor mouth, am I?”
“Just making an astute observation.”
“In any case,” Picky Paper said, “there’s no rule against stained glass windows unless they’re able to be seen outside the residence, but they are quite tacky, to say the least.”
“And the ceilings are well within the bounds of what the bylaws require, if not well above,” Record Keeper noted. “Although honestly, I must say it makes you look quite pretentious, Miss Sparkle. But we have no bylaws against that, luckily for you.”
“Although these doors aren’t in regulation, I must say,” Picky Paper said. “We require all Ponyville doors to open inwards for safety purposes.”
“Well, they used to open inwards, but I read a study that says-”
“As well, we disallow the use of fluorescent light bulbs because they’re known to be quite dangerous if broken due to their mercury content, so those will have to be changed out.”
“Well, according to Equestria Daily, fluorescent bulbs actually save quite a bit of-”
“Not to mention,” he added, "artwork featuring political figures is not allowed in or on the premises of any residence. That will have to be taken down, Miss Sparkle.”
“Oh, come on! That’s Princess Celestia for Faust's sake!” she complained.
“Yes, somepony who’s a very notable political figure,” Record Keeper noted. “Regulations require you to take it down.”
“According to the rules, normally we’d ask you to take down the pictures of you,” Motor Mouth said, “but we’ve decided to grant you this exception considering you are the pony in question, but those other five ponies that are your friends will have to come down, too.”
“Okay, you know what I-”
“Plus, it seems there’s a bit of a smell in here… or is it coming from you? Have you had a shower yet today, Miss Sparkle?”
“ENOUGH!” the mare finally yelled, causing the trio to jump in surprise.
“My word!” Record Keeper gasped, showing a hint of emotion for the first time all morning. “I would never expect such things from somepony who’s a member of royalty, let alone a princess!”
“Well, to be fair, she is a PINO,” Motor Mouth muttered.
“QUIET!” the mare yelled, which made all three flinch back and stare at her in silence. “I don’t care anymore! I don’t want you here! Just tell me what the fine is so I can pay you and you can leave!”
“Humph, well if you’re gonna be rude about it,” Picky Paper started, sounding offended, “the cost for ignoring the HOA’s bylaws is two bits.”
Twilight blinked at them, expecting more to be said, and when they silently stared back, she asked, “T… two bits? That’s it? Two bits?”
“That’s per year, to be clear,” Record Keeper informed her, “and payment must be made in full. Of course, however, we have recently added the ability to accept checks if you prefer, Miss Sparkle. It would be made payable to the Ponyville Home Owners Association.”
“Of course, we can’t delay payment unfortunately,” Picky Paper explained. “We do expect the amount in full at the start of each year from here on out unless you make the required changes to your residence. Missing the deadline will result in this building being repossessed and demolished.”
“Not that it shouldn’t be demolished,” Motor Mouth said. “It’s quite tacky, and as previously mentioned, an eyesore, quite like yourself, Miss Sparkle.”
“No! No, you don’t need to do that, I have my payment right here.” As she said it, she quickly floated over her checkbook and quill, taking no time at all to scribble what she needed to on the piece of paper.
“There! All done!” she said and she gave it to them. “Now you can’t bother me and my castle for the next fifty years!”
“One hundred bits then? Unfortunately, we can’t accept payments for future years. We can, however, take this as a donation to the HOA if you’d like?”
“Although don’t think that this will get you any special privileges, Miss Sparkle. I know how you princesses operate.”
"Although some would say you operate on two many hayburgers and should try a salad, Miss Sparkle."
“Fine! Whatever! Keep the donation! Just get out of my mane! Please!”
“Well, if you insist on being rude about it,” Motor Mouth said. “Although before we do leave we must ask one more thing.” She looked at him with an expression that told him she didn't want to hear his question as he asked with complete confidence, “Can we have an autograph?”
Author's Note
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