Maybe it'd be easier to just stay home all day. Do nothing and lie in bed. Perhaps scrolling on a phone would be a better use of time. Wasting away in bed would be the closest thing to death as she could do that wasn't actually dying, at least.
It wasn't like anyone would miss her if she was gone. The teachers often skipped her in attendance and marked her absent anyway. As far as she knew, she could disappear without a trace and not a single person would care—if they even noticed. Sometimes, she bet that she could pack her bags and walk out the door, never to look back. And nobody would look for her, or wonder "Hey, where'd that Wallflower go?"
She could probably die and nobody would bat an eye.
Dimming lights flickered over top of Wallflower's old, squishy bed. It hardly made a difference anymore to have the lights on or off. The dark lights almost served the opposite purpose. Sure, they made the room easier to see in, but the shadows only got darker, and the whole room bathed in gross, uneasy grey.
Moonlight speckled in through her blinds. She hadn't quite closed them correctly before going to bed, and now she couldn't bring herself to lift her body up to do it. No, all she could do was mindlessly scroll on her phone. Her tired, bagged eyes didn't take in any information as colours whizzed past them. She could feel the exhaustion pooling behind her eye sockets, so she placed her phone face down on the blanket covering her chest.
The soft, yet deafening murmur of car engines in the dead of night tickled Wallflower's ears. She often thought of the people who drove late at night. Perhaps they were late-night workers. Given the time, she assumed that most of them had to have been commuting to work and not home from it.
Maybe some of them were just out late with friends, perhaps at a bar. Though she hoped that in that case, they were the predetermined sober chauffeur and not some drunk driving maniacs.
Occasionally, the loud roar of a car without its muffler would make its way into Wallflower's empty cell of a room. Was it a drag race? A car show? Maybe someone actually enjoyed being an obnoxious idiot who didn't let people sleep at night. Not that she was doing much sleeping, anyway.
But she knew now that somewhere close by, someone was likely just trying to fall asleep after their late ending job, and suddenly, that attention leech of a driver made her scowl. She knew what wanting attention was like, but willingly annoying, or even hurting other people for it left a bad taste in Wallflower's mouth. That was why she kept to herself.
Wallflower rolled over, facing away from the window. The ambient light of the moon and the city still cast moving shadows against her walls, and the flickering of the buzzing lights above her didn't help with that. Maybe she ought to turn them off. Getting on her feet might be good for her, after all.
Wallflower did exactly that. Pulling herself to her feet and pushing off the bed, she took the few short steps to the light switch next to her closed bedroom door. Her finger lingered over it as she stared at the doorknob. Already clad in the clothes she had worn to school in the morning, she figured she might as well leave. Carefully, she pushed the light switch off and pulled the door open.
The floorboards creaked as she walked down the hallway, but she knew that nobody would really mind her leaving more than they'd mind the noise of the floor shifting. Deciding that she didn't care if she woke anyone up, her stride did not falter as she reached the stairs and started to drag herself down them. An idea popped into her mind and she paused. A glance up the stairs solidified the thought as she went up to her room to grab one more thing before she left.
With a packed backpack slinging off her shoulders and her phone in her pocket, Wallflower resumed her plan. She reached the front door of her house and without even a look back, she stepped outside.
No one will notice.
The door shut quietly behind her. A cool breeze sent a shiver down her body, and she pulled her sleeves as if that would be enough to insulate her. Wallflower gripped the straps of her backpack and set off. Every step felt heavier than the last, the weight dropping into her stomach.
It took too much effort to cross the threshold of the fence outside, but once she exited her family’s property, the anchor holding her back seemed to disappear. Wallflower took one final look back, expecting to feel something. Anything. But she felt nothing at seeing the familiar structure that housed her.
After all, that’s all it was. It was a house; a place of residence, not a home. No, Wallflower had no home, she had no life either. She just existed under a roof where nobody cared about her. The only person who cared about her would understand, wouldn’t she? Sunset would understand. But in the end, she wouldn’t care. She’d move on.
Wallflower walked.
She made it out of her neighbourhood, now met with the busy streets of the city. At least there weren’t very many people around; though the streetlights made it hard to hide under the cover of darkness. A car revved and sped past her down the road, forcing Wallflower’s jaw to clench at the obtrusive noise.
For once, Wallflower was glad she lived where she did. It was close to the bus station, and the buses ran all day. It wasn’t exactly a short walk, but it was within walking distance, and after a slow, almost painful walk, Wallflower approached the brick building. A backlit sign sputtered above the building. “Tickets,” she read. The sign flashed before the bulbs behind it died, cascading the area with darkness. Wallflower frowned. “How ironic.”
Wallflower rang the bell. After a few moments, an older man came from a room attached to the little booth. He glared at Wallflower, eyes red. He was probably napping on the job.
“What, a teenager?” The man asked, his voice incredibly scratchy. He probably chain-smoked, Wallflower figured. “You come to play a prank? I’ll call the cops.”
Normally, someone being overly aggressive to her would hurt. Wallflower instead rolled her eyes. “No. I came to buy a bus ticket.”
The elderly man scowled and eyed her, but with indifference, he shrugged. “For what line?”
Wallflower casually glanced at the list of running buses. I have to take one that goes south out of the city, she thought. Maybe line four. That’ll take me to Westwood. Or I could take the greyhound to Manehattan. Does it really matter? It won’t in the end.
“What are you, deaf?”
“Uh, I-I’ll take a ticket for the M-Manehattan line,” Wallflower mumbled. She reached into her backpack and took out a crumpled bill. “That should cover it.”
The man took the bill and handed Wallflower a freshly printed ticket. “It doesn’t come for another two hours,” he warned her. “So if you’re planning to run away or something, I’d suggest you do a better job.”
Shivering, Wallflower turned and walked away, not bothering to wait for her change or thank the man. She glanced at the floor as she walked toward the bus platform and beelined for the benches. They were those uncomfortable types with the bar in the middle so the homeless couldn’t sleep on them. Was that what she was now? A homeless person? By strict definition of the word, she figured she had never had a home.
And now that she had officially left her house with no plans of ever coming back, maybe the bench had been successful in doing its unfortunate job. She was temporarily homeless. But that wouldn’t stop her from trying to get comfortable. Wallflower was small; she could probably squeeze in the seat and curl up into a ball.
She did her best, but the seat was cold, hard, and uncomfortable, so she decided to just sit normally. Wallflower glanced at the time. Three forty? Ugh. Her tired and strained eyes glanced up at the dark night sky. The city made it impossible to really see any stars, but she could still see a handful.
They’re just little specks in the sky. Nobody here sees or cares about them. Wallflower crossed her arms. You’re just one little star among a billion others. Nobody would notice if you burned out.
Just like me.
Miserably, Wallflower sighed. She was beyond the point of feeling sorry for herself. She just wished someone would.
Sunny would.
Yes, Sunset would. Wallflower knew that, but did it matter? Sunset didn’t even know of her existence until Wallflower tried to erase hers. Would it matter once Wallflower was gone? Everything would just go back to normal, and Sunset could go back to her better friends as if nothing had ever happened.
Because that’s all Wallflower was. Nothing.
The globe light above her barely worked, like the light in her room. Why can’t I have nice things? Wallflower furrowed her eyebrows and sat in a fetal position. The nippy fall air was starting to break through her long sleeves and chilling her to the bone. She breathed heavily, watching the condensation disappear into the night air.
“I should have brought a sweater,” she sighed as she held the backpack against her chest, knowing that the items inside were more versed for warm weather since that’s when it was originally packed. “I’m so stupid.”
Something in her pocket vibrated, sending her heart into a brief panic. Wallflower opened her eyes to see that the blackened sky had changed to hues of pinks and blues. When did I fall asleep?
She then realized the only possible thing that could have done that and sighed, uncurling herself. Her body was already sore from the uncomfortable sleeping position she was in and her neck ached as she rolled it out. The phone buzzed once more as Wallflower slid it out of her pocket with somewhat numb fingers. There were a number of unopened texts from just about the only person who ever texted her.
Sunny:
some idiot just crashed into a light post outside my place
woke me up. thought i was gonna die
i hope youre not awake right now but… would it be selfish to wish you were?
:P
Wallflower stared at the texts in her notification, not wanting to actually open them so Sunset couldn’t see that she read them, but guilt quickly started to set in. As much as she didn’t want to clue in Sunset as to what she was doing, she didn’t want to outright ignore her, either. She clicked on the messaging app and started typing a response.
Me:
Oh I’m sorry… I hope you can go back to sleep soon
Sunny:
its okay, i had to use the bathroom anyway
wait why are you awake
its five
i know i said i wished you were but i take it back!
Wallflower’s lips curled up in a tiny smile.
Me:
I also had to use the bathroom
She didn’t like lying.
Sunny:
oh hah. i guess our bladders are synced then
how are you doing?
Me:
I’m fine. Just tired
Wallflower’s skin crawled as she sent the lie.
You’re such a bad girlfriend. You shouldn’t lie. You shouldn’t be doing this. You can’t just leave her.
But Sunset was always good at catching her bluff, even through texts.
Sunny:
are you sure?
i’m here for you you know
Don’t lie to her. She’s your girlfriend.
The phone flashed a low battery warning. Wallflower gulped. I can’t just leave her like that. have to… She swallowed back a tear.
Me:
Can you call me? I need to talk to you
Almost instantly, Wallflower’s phone lit up with the incoming call. Her hand shook a bit as she swiped to accept it and lifted the phone to her ear.
“Hey Wally,” Sunset immediately greeted with that sweet voice of hers, though Wallflower could just make out the concern she tried to mask.
“Hi. Uh…” Wallflower’s voice shrank into nothingness as the words shriveled up in her throat. Her eyes teared up as she realized what she had to do.
“Is everything okay?”
“N-no,” she admitted. “No, uh, I… I want to tell you something…” A low rumbling caught her attention as her eyes drifted up to see the bus rolling in. Wallflower bit her lip, cursing the perfect timing.
“What is it? Are you okay?” Sunset asked with a bit more urgency as the bus came to a squeaky stop and opened its doors with a hiss. “Wait, are you outside?”
Wallflower walked up the steps with weak legs and presented her ticket to the bus driver, who nodded at her as she made her way to the very back. There were, unsurprisingly, no other passengers getting on, though there were a few already on the bus. Well, it is a Thursday at five in the morning. “Um… yes.”
Sunset was quiet for a moment, probably stopping herself from exclaiming. “Where are you?”
Wallflower sat down and placed her bag next to her, glancing outside as the bus rumbled, remaining stationary as the driver waited for any last-minute passengers. “It… doesn’t matter. That’s n-not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Sunset breathed sharply. Wallflower winced, noticing that Sunset was probably annoyed. “What is it, Wally? You can talk to me.”
“I…” Her voice hitched in her throat again. Come on, just say it! It’ll be better if you do. “I, uh, I t-think we should… um… I think w-we should br-break up,” she said in a low whisper.
Sunset was so quiet on the other end that Wallflower feared she hadn’t even heard her, or that her phone died. She held the phone out with a shaky hand to confirm that it was still alive. Another tense moment passed before Sunset let out a shaky breath. “What?”
“I’m s-sorry, Sunny,” Wallflower squeaked, dangerously close to tears. “It’s better, I p-promise…” You’ll be able to move on knowing we aren’t together anymore…
“But why, Wally?” Sunset asked. Her voice trembled. “I… I know something’s wrong. You can talk to me.”
Could she? If she talked to her, Sunset would be upset. She’d be mad that Wallflower was going to run away. She would help her, but she’d never talk to her again.
No, that’s not true. Wallflower gripped the phone tightly. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe Sunset could help… She always did. Whenever Wallflower was being a horrible excuse of a person… Sunset would be there. She always was.
I don’t deserve her.
Wallflower took a deep breath. “Sunny I… You won’t see me again.”
“What do you mean?” Sunset asked almost instantly. Wallflower could just about hear the frown in her voice. “Wally, please don’t tell me…”
Sunset’s voice faded away into a squeak, which dug a pit in Wallflower’s gut. She took in a shaky breath, trying to keep her voice low and steady so that the other passengers wouldn’t hear. “I’m sorry… Y-you’ll find someone else.”
There was a lot of muffled noise that came through the phone. It sounded like Sunset had been dragging her phone across something. “You’re on a bus aren’t you? Where are you going, Wally?” she pleaded.
Don’t tell her.
“I… I’m going to Mane—”
Click.
Silence.
“—hattan,” Wallflower squeaked as she removed her phone from her ear and stared at it. She pressed the power button, but nothing happened. Tears brimmed in her eyes. She had actually tried to ask, but it seemed the universe itself wanted her gone, too.
The universe wanted to burn out its tiniest, most forgettable star.
Wallflower choked back a sob as she dropped her phone into her lap and curled up into a tight ball, hugging her arms around her knees. Her ragged breathing fogged up the window as the sky’s colours changed into that of the early morning sunrise. As if to drive home a point, the stars started to fade away into nothingness.
For the first time that night, Wallflower felt something. She felt hot tears rolling down her face. The helplessness that came with crying. The solitude of the lonely bus. The unwillingness to do it all again.
Not again. I can’t again. This is the time…
She looked inside her bag. Inside it was simply a pen and paper and some extra warm weather clothes. Wallflower sighed and closed it back up. The bus lurched forward, pushing Wallflower back in her seat. With a sniffle, she leaned her cheek against the window and watched as the bus moved out of the station and rolled down the street, away from the city.
There were more people on the streets now, most of them clad in formal business wear. Wallflower snorted. All replaceable people… dressed the same, doing the same stupid, monotonous job. What’s the point?
There isn’t one. We’re here to work and die. Why do we even bother?
The bus took a hop and Wallflower got sent forward. She held out her arms and kept herself from slamming into the seat. She huffed in frustration and resumed her people watching, but slowly, her eyes started to slide shut, aided further by the rhythmic lull of the bus’s engine.
“Hey.”
The voice snapped Wallflower awake. She blinked groggily, forcing sleep out of her eyes. A middle-aged man wearing a cap stood over her. Wallflower shrieked and jumped in her seat.
The man took a step back, holding his hands up. “Woah, kid, relax. I was just waking you up to let you know that we’re here.”
“Here?” Wallflower sat up and looked around. Oh right, she was on that bus. And if she was here then… “Oh.”
“Are you okay, kid? You look a little frazzled.”
She ran a hand on her cheek, where the dried trails of old tears hardened her skin. She frowned but nodded. “Yeah, thanks.”
The bus driver hesitated, obviously unsure of what to do, but eventually nodded and stepped back. “Alright, well, take your time in getting off. I’m not in a rush. Still have my entire lunch break.”
Wallflower dipped her head, grabbing the phone that had fallen to the floor in her fright. “Thank you,” she mumbled. After the bus driver retreated to the front, Wallflower sighed and looked out the window. Even in what must have been a less urban part of the city, it was still very different from her home. In the full light of the morning sun, heavy crowds of people and honking cars filled the streets. She could practically feel the smog.
“At least no one’s going to notice me among the crowds,” she whispered to herself. “Not that they would anyway.”
Finally, she got off the bus, returning the driver’s friendly wave but not his smile. She hopped down the last step, her knees nearly buckling from the sudden activity. With a nervous glance around, Wallflower felt that pit in her stomach again. She had only been to Manehattan a couple of times, but it was just as daunting as she remembered.
“Okay, Wallflower, it’s fine… Just find a nice, quiet place…” she muttered to herself. Trying her best to look confident, though she really just looked like a lost puppy, she began to walk down the busy sidewalks, masterfully sidestepping the people threatening to walk into her. “All these people suck, but they have one thing right. There are lots of tall buildings…”
She sighed as she looked at one of the skyscrapers. “Okay, maybe that’s a bit excessive,” Wallflower added to herself. “And I’m talking to myself on the street. Yup. I’ve lost it.”
At some point, she figured she started staring at the floor because someone bumped into her. Wallflower yelped as she felt her feet trip over themselves and she fell to the ground. Passersby grumbled and complained as she pushed herself up quickly, muttering apologies. Ducking her head, she slipped into an alley and away from the large crowds. Breathing a sigh of relief, Wallflower noticed a rusty fire escape ladder. A glance up revealed that it led to the roof, which was probably a poor design choice, but hey, it worked for her.
She reached up to grab the ladder, but noticed it was stuck. Huffing, she crossed her arms. Of course. Nothing’s ever easy for me, not even killing myself. She kicked a rather large rock on the ground. Make up your mind, universe! The rock clattered against a large metal pipe. Wallflower perked up at the metallic clang.
An idea formed in her head. Wallflower picked up the pipe and thrust upward toward the ladder. She hit it a few times before a similarly rusty screw broke loose and fell, the ladder falling loose with it. Wallflower dropped the pipe and shut her eyes. Okay, you’re almost there. Just a minor setback, but you can’t go back now. Not again. Her hand gripped the ladder. You can’t fuck this up, too. Not again.
Before she knew it, she was pushing herself up to the roof. Luckily for her, nobody noticed, or if they did, they didn’t care. Who would care about a pathetic-looking girl like her, anyway? Still, she figured it was best to play it safe and walked to the back of the building. It didn’t overlook the street and the area below it was empty and dark. What a dump. Makes sense for me to die here.
Wallflower loomed over the edge and looked down. It certainly seemed high enough. No way I’m going down now, though. I’ll just wimp out like last time and call Sunset. A dull ache in her chest made her wince. Or… well, not this time. She’s not my girlfriend anymore, plus, my phone is dead.
Reaching into her bag almost autonomously, Wallflower took out the notepad and pen. Clicking the pen, she flipped to an empty page. Now, what do I write?
She could address it to her parents, but they didn’t deserve that. Maybe she could address it to her sister, or to Sunset. None of that sounded right. With a shrug, she set her pen on the paper, addressing the letter to whoever would care.
To whom it may concern,
My name is Wallflower Blush. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to find me like this, not because you care about me, or because you’ll feel sad to see me like this. I’m sorry that I couldn’t even kill myself without being a hassle to someone else.
My whole life, I’ve always been ignored. Maybe it wasn’t on purpose, but nobody ever seemed to notice me. I’m sorry to be noticed this way. Even in death, I’m so selfish.
I hope I actually die this time. I’ve failed before. I’m such a mess up. But hopefully I can do this one thing right. For once in my life.
If you are reading this letter and I’m really dead, please tell my friend what happened. She deserves to know, although I’m sure she knew what was going to happen. Her name is Sunset Shimmer. You can call her at 401 835 9093. Tell her I’m sorry. Tell her to move on.
If you’re seeing this and I’m not dead, don’t call the cops, or the paramedics. Just… walk away. Please.
And to whom it may concern,
Make sure you give your attention to your loved ones. Smile at people on the street. Be kind. You never know who needs it.
Wallflower Blush.
Her hands were trembling by the time she signed her name with a finality. Wallflower steadied her hands and carefully ripped out the paper, dropping the notebook on the ground. She folded up the slip of paper, placing it neatly in her pocket. She took one last glance at her dead phone, grim humour coming over her. It was either you or me. I guess it’s both of us. She dropped the phone on the ground as well.
Wallflower took one shaky, definitive step to the edge of the roof, placing one foot on the lip. Her leg trembled as she stood on top and looked down. With one last breath, she closed her eyes and stepped forward. Her foot landed on nothing as her body followed. There was nothing in her on the way down to the abrupt ending of her story. No remorse, no fear, no sadness.
Only the supernova that would follow.
Author's Note
Uh. This fic started as a vent that I never finished about 600 words in. I wrote the rest of it two months later today. It wasn’t supposed to end like this, but... I guess that kind of makes it more tragic, huh? Heh.
Yknow originally I wrote this as a vent, then I kept writing it cause I promised Scampy once I'd write more Sunflower but there wasn't even any in here. Maybe that means I make a sequel? I have an idea already heehee
Please love yourself and love your friends and family and love other people. The world needs more love.
