Desmond and Gilda are Stuck in a cave

by Spazz Kid

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Gilda, Fluttershy, Random, Sex
Length: 2319

In a very weird turn of events, Desmond gets trapped in a cave with Gilda. Or, is Gilda trapped in there with him? Hmm...

In a very weird turn of events, Desmond gets trapped in a cave with Gilda.

Or, is Gilda trapped in there with him?

Hmm...

Cover art by some dude named LittleHybrid on Fur Affinity. I never want to go on that website ever again. Used without permission, if asked I'll remove the art. If that happens, I'll have to step up and draw some shit, and trust me, you do not want that.

Warning! Contains an original character (ew gross stinky), very heavily implied human on griffin intercourse, headpats, chin scratches, the continued overuse of the fuck word, the name Anon (in the author's note), and a horribly written romance.

Have fun reading y'all!

Published 2024-10-24 07:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-10-24 07:30:00 UTC

How I met your mother

Desmond is currently sitting in a dark ass cave, the entrance of which has collapsed, the only source of light he happens to have is a small, cracked lantern.
Oh, and that's not even the worst part!
You know who he had to get stuck in here with?
This bitchy ass griffin that goes by the name of Gilda.

"Will you quit breathing so damn hard?" Speak of the devil...

"No! I'll breath as hard as I want!" Desmond shot back at her.

Honestly, Des doesn't even really know why the hell this had to happen.
He was walking around with Fluttershy, searching for her demon-spawn that takes the appearance of a rabbit, and he had decided to check in this specific cave, and guess who happened to be napping in here? Gilda!

Now, why she was napping in a cave, Desmond'll never really know, but what he does know, is that he didn't notice her at first, and stepped on her tail. She screeched, really loudly, probably alerting everything in a 10-mile radius, and the cave entrance - nothing else, JUST THE ENTRANCE - collapsed, ultimately sealing their fates, and starting an argument between him and Gilda.

Fluttershy ran by (he thinks, could've been a changling), confirming Desmond's little theory of Gilda's loud ass, and said she'll go get some help after he explained the situation.

Want to know how long ago that was?
Desmond's been wondering that himself.

"Yo, Chicken Fingers." He addressed the griffin.

"That's not my name." Chicken Fingers retorted angrily. "Also, what?"

"The hell were you even doing, sleeping in a cave, in the middle of the Everfree?" He asked, genuinely curious.

"I was tired. Duh." Gilda said.

"Yeah, mhm, okay, you just so happened to fall asleep, in a cave, in the middle of the fucking Everfree. Give me a break." Desmond did not believe it. No way this stupid bitch just got here on accident, there's a reason she was here.

"Yeah, what about it?" She said, crossing her front leg arm things.

"Why the Everfree? Of all fucking forests, you choose the Everfree??" Desmond hissed in confusion and annoyance.

"You think I was thinking about what forest I was landing in, dicksplash?" Gilda spat at him through gritted teeth. "I was tired, saw a cave, and decided to take a nap, fuckin sue me!"

"... Did you... Just call me... Dicksplash??" Desmond has never heard that insult before, and he's heard a lot of them. And he thought if he was ever to hear an insult along those lines from someone, he never thought it'd be from a creature that lived in Equestria.
It was actually kinda funny. It made him chuckle a little.

"Yeah? And?" She sounded a little insecure with the fact that he was laughing at her insult.

"That's more creative than when you called me an albino monkey, back when we met. " Desmond snickered, remembering the moment. It felt like yesterday...
"You remember that?"

Gilda scoffed, leaning back into Desmond's... Back. Her wings poked into his shoulder blades. "Hard to forget seeing your ugly mug for the first time." She seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him."

Now, evidently, probably very obviously, this is not the first time Desmond and Gilda have clashed.
The first time was actually a little over a year ago, when she first rolled into Ponyville, terrorizing Fluttershy.

Now, in the two years Desmond had been in Equestria at that time, he'd never seen a griffin before, so he immediately sought Gilda out curiously. There was also the fact that his best friend, and at the time crush, Fluttershy was being bullied, so he had to step in, at least in his eyes.
Now, everyone was absolutely gobsmacked when Desmond and Gilda had their violent shouting match back then. The things said that day, no one has ever dared to repeat.

Anyways, few days after that, after Gilda had ran out of town out over rejection (something about Dash telling her to fuck off, probably some ex lover's quarrel, pretty common in Equestria surprisingly), Desmond had confessed his feelings to Fluttershy.
She uh...

She said no.
But, after Desmond got over the initial butt-hurt stage of rejection, he realized that it was okay and that being friends with her was good enough for him. She's kinda the only individual in this land he's ever hung out with. The other ponies think he's too exotic to just chill with. But then Fluttershy got roped into adventures with her group of friends, and Desmond never has anyone to hang out with anymore.
He started going on nightly walks, occasionally seeing Gilda, who just kinda comes back into Ponyville every now and again. They made up, and sometimes go out drinking at pubs together, though Desmond would never say they were friends, they still didn't really like each other too much.

Today was a pretty special day, though, as Fluttershy finally gotten herself enough free time so her and Desmond could finally hang out.
Then her stupid fucking rabbit ran off.
Then the two went looking for him.
And now, here Desmond is, sitting in a cave, with Gilda, the most stand-offish creature in miles sitting at his side.

Fate works in the weirdest ways.

After some awkward silence, Gilda shifted, scratching something on her neck. "... You ever, like, feel hated for simply existing...?"

Desmond looked down at her, confused by the random philosophical question. "What... Uh, where did that come from?"

"I don't fuckin know, I'm trying to make conversation!!" Gilda yelled at him, irritated that she had to explain herself to this idiot.

"... Yeah, sometimes." Desmond shrugs. "But I've kinda always felt like that. Even back home, before I came to Equestria." He felt his heart sink. He doesn't like thinking about home. Even if no one ever treated him like he belonged, he still hopes that one day, he'll be able to go back. It's pretty stupid to think about honestly, especially with how little hope he's been given about it these last few years.

"Really?" Gilda's tone was quiet, mulling over what he said. "You were shunned by other humans? I find that kind of hard to believe."

"Oh, well, if you knew what kind of person I was for the longest time, you'd understand. I was awful. Think about yourself, make it worse somehow, and that was me." Desmond looked up at the roof of the cave contemplatively. He twiddled his thumbs as he waited for her response.

"Wow..." Gilda stared up at him with sympathy.. before realizing what he said. "Wait-" She punched him in the shoulder. "You fuckstick!" She crossed her arms again, grumbling.

Desmond sputtered, trying his hardest not to laugh at the stupid insult. "Fuckstick??? FUCKSTICK?!" He broke, laughing his ass off. This place was gonna be the end of him, he swears.

"Oh, HAHA, glad you're in a good mood again!" Gilda yelled at him, a slight reverb in her voice due to their small and mostly enclosed space, but was smiling as she did. Desmond immediately noticed this, despite the dim lighting, and his laughter died down.

"Heh, hehe, I see you're in a good mood, hehe," he said between his snorts and snickers. "You know, hehe, you should really smile more often, it looks good on you, hehe." His laughs are feeling a little nervous now.

Gilda froze for a second, staring owlishly. She slowly blinked, seemingly trying to process the complement. It was still pretty dark in the cave, mind you, so Desmond couldn't see her face as he continued to laugh.
Her face flushed with red, seemingly trying her hardest to figure out what exactly he was trying to say with that. She was clearly not very used to compliments.

"Anyways, yeah. How was your weekend?" Desmond's entire body was relaxed again, and he was no longer laughing. Now he was just kinda bored.

"... Fine," Gilda muttered, avoiding making eye contact with him.

"Just fine?" Desmond asked skeptically.

"Mhmm." Gilda hummed.

Awkward silence.

"... Can I say something?" Desmond asked, a thought apparently just popping into his head.

"Sure." Gilda acknowledged, shrugging.

"I think you're pretty hot," Desmond said casually.
Gilda jumped, sputtering.

Okay, hold up a second - now, dear reader, that was a little out of nowhere, I understand. However, Desmond is running out of things to talk about and now he's just saying the first few things that come to his mind. The fact that Desmond's first random thought was that Gilda is, in his very important and impactful opinion, 'pretty hot' means nothing substantial. Literally nothing. Totally. One hundred percent.

Gilda's face was almost glowing, that's how red she was. She quickly scooted away, as far away as their tight imprisonment allowed, which was a few inches, at most. She struggled to form a sentence.
"What - where the fuck did that come from??"

Desmond shrugged. "I don't fuckin know, I'm just trying to make conversation."

Gilda stared at him for a few more seconds, before relaxing a little. "... Thanks, I guess... You're not... Too bad looking yourself... For a human." She muttered mostly to herself.

Desmond still heard her though, the acoustics of this cave fucking her over. "Thanks. Can I pat your head?"

Gilda sighed. "It's just one thing after another with you, I fucking swear.."

".. can I?"

"... Sure." Gilda relented, blushing harder than she had been for the last few minutes.

Desmond set his hand on Gilda's head. He slid his hand back and forth on the top of her head, not really sure what he was allowed to do here.
They both just kinda stared at each other.

"This is..." Gilda cleared her throat before continuing. "Ahem, this doing anything for ya?" She averted her eyes, probably because of Desmond's massive grin.

"Yeh" Desmond grunted stupidly. He moved his hand to underneath Gilda's chin and began to scratch.

Gilda very visibly jumps at the switch-up, but outside of that, she gives almost no reaction. She just looks up at Desmond with really wide eyes.

He feels.. really warm inside, looking into Gilda's eyes. He's always felt like that with her, at least a little, but now it's kind of hard to really justify. Like, before he just thought it was because he was hanging out with someone. He doesn't really get what it might be now. Actually, he understands completely what the hell he's feeling now, but if he admitted to himself that he had feelings for this griffin, well...
What would even happen?

"Gilda, I think... I need to say something. " Desmond said automatically literally right after that thought passed his mind. Oh, come on, you fucking moron!

Gilda blinked, seemingly snapping out of her trance. "... Wha - huh?"

"I think...."

Desmond swallowed nervously, Gilda stared at him in anticipation.

" I think I'm in lesbians with you."

".... What?" Gilda straightened up in confusion. She clearly didn't get the reference, uncultured bird.....

".... I don't know." Desmond shrugged. "Wanna fuck?"

Gilda stared, before thinking about it.
"Uh... Eh, why not?"

"Sweet."

***

"I think it's this one!" Fluttershy's soft voice exlaimed as she skidded to a halt in front of a cliff face, Twilight bringing up her rear.

"Really? How does a cave even collapse like this?" Twilight stared forward at the cliff face in front of them. Not even waiting for an answer, she majicks the rocks away, letting light into the cave. "There, rocks are out of the wa- what the hell is that?"

Fluttershy, who was in the middle of meekly thanking Twilight, stopped, and followed her now increasingly unsettled expression.

In the now open cave was Desmond and Gilda the Griffin, laying on the ground, in the middle of a nap. Desmond is almost completely naked, wearing nothing but his socks and boxer briefs, and he was covered in scratches and feathers. Gilda was half laying on top of him, having a content smile on her face.

Twilight groaned.

"Something wrong, Twilight?" Asked Fluttershy, despite the oddness of the situation in front of them, it's not exactly the craziest thing every, Desmond has always attracted random females all over the place, comes with him being such an exotic creature. She personally just didn't expect it to be Gilda to finally get him.
If anything, she's just happy she has confirmation he's not still gunning for her... And that he's happy, she's not happy she's a good friend

"Ughhh, everyone is getting laid but me..." Twilight sighed, before turning around. "Welp, back to work. See ya later, Shy."

"Uhm.. bye? " Fluttershy was just confused by her reaction now.

After watching Twilight take off and fly away, Fluttershy looked back at Desmond and Gilda, who were both still sleeping.

She should probably grab them a blanket or something...

Author's Note

This was originally an Anon story titled "Anon and Gilda are stuck in a Fucking Cave", but my legal team has advised me that writing two Anon fics in a row is an extreme form of self harm so meet Desmond. Named after the Smiling Friends character. If you find any mentions of Anon tell me and we can all gang up on him and beat him with wet floor signs

Songs I listened to while writing this slop;

Steve Lacy - Dark Red
Joji - Glimpse of Us
XXXTENTACION - NUMB
Kendrick Lamar - Pride
Girl in Red - We Fell In Love In October
Oliver Tree - Hurt
Shiloh Dynasty - Hesitations
BBNO$ - Help Herself
Meg & Dia - My Ugly Mouth
B.E.R. - The Night Begins to Shine

Videos I Watched While Writing:

This story was originally created back in October of 2021, but only recently have I taken the time to finish it.