I hit Celestia with my pickup truck

by aegishailstorm

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 4462

It was an accident! I swear!

Meet Nicholas, a doomsday prepper living in northern Colorado, one day on his way home from work he comes across something... strange to say the least.

Published 2021-10-25 03:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-11-03 03:51:31 UTC

Sorry...

Nicholas Is by no means your average Colorado resident, He is paranoid, and has a tendency to break down in fits of rage, whenever someone pushes him to far. He also has an uncanny addiction to firearms. You see, Nicholas has a good reason for all these things, He is what other might call crazy, mentally challenged, weird. He is in fact none of these things, What he is, is a doomsday prepper, One who prepares for the time when civilization breaks down and the only thing you can trust is your guts and your firearm. But alas, even a self imposed bachelor of a doomsday prepper needs to put food on the table for himself. And when he first moved to Colorado, He had just the job in mind.

A pyrotechnician, Why not after all? It Legally gives you the ability to blow things up. Nicholas loved his work, in fact, aside from hiking in the mountains and the occasional video game here and there, it was one of the few times he actually didn't mind hanging out with other human beings. However, soon would come an event that would change his life not much, but still...

It was another, stereotypically nice and sunny day in Ponyville, and Twilight was testing out a new teleportation spell.
Much to Spikes concern.

"Twilight, Are you sure this is going to work? Last time you set your desk on fire."

"Oh, I'm quite sure Spike. Here it goes!"

She Charged up her horn, but instead of her getting teleported like she had intended, a purple bolt shot out from her horn, flew out the window, bounced right off the pavement outside, which sent it flying in in the direction of Canterlot.

"Oh no, I hope that doesn't hit anything important, or anypony for that matter."

Unfortunately for her, It did hit something important. Princess Celestia.

She was sitting in her throne room, regal as always, When that same bolt of energy flew through the window, and hit her, square in the face.

Meanwhile back on earth...

It was another cold, dark, august night, and Nicholas had just gotten off work. And had began his drive home, he turned on the radio, and much to his joy, one of his favorite song was on the radio, Back in Black. He set the song on loop and turned the volume up to 30. He left town, and drove into the mountains in his modified surplus Humvee. The road was all dark, there were no street signs out this far from civilization, except for the moon, and the occasional mile marker, there were no cars in sight. He smiled, while other people would have found this situation creepy, He loved it. Peace, darkness and rock music. Yep, perfect.

Princess Celestia found herself engulfed in darkness, She lit her horn, and looked around to find herself in a dark forest standing on what appeared to be a pathway of sorts.

"Where am I?" She thought to herself, She turned to see a pair of bright lights flying towards her. She was so mesmerized by them she didn't even think that they could be dangerous.

Nicholas was so busy enjoying the music, and the darkness of the highway that he didn't even notice what he was approaching until it was to late.

"Ah, Musical violence, this couldn't get bet-HOLY MOTHER MARY WHAT IS THAT THING!?” Nicholas slammed on the brakes, but not before he impacted the...whatever it was. Sending it flying across the highway.

"Uh, What just happened?" He looked over at what he had just collided with. To see that it was glowing... pink?

"I Better have not just hit an alien!" I've had just about enough of That Conspiracy Bull####!"

He continued looking at it, it looked strangely horse like.

Well, I'm not about to call the sheriff, last thing I need is a bunch of creepy government agents crawling all over these mountains. I'm going to have to deal with this myself.

He grabbed his Glock 19 from his side. And a gas mask as well as a pair of Kevlar gloves from his glove compartment. He opened his truck door and cautiously stepped out. Flipping on his sidearm's flashlight as he did. He first looked both ways to make sure that no one else was on the highway. As soon as he was at least somewhat sure, he walked up to the front of his truck and made sure that the crash hadn't broken anything. Luckily, Its bumper had taken the full force of the impact, and his truck was completely unharmed with the exception of a few scuffs.

"Oh thank god, my truck's ok! Now, the weird glowing thing!"

He slowly approached it, until he was right on to of it. He walked around it. At first it appeared to be some strange alien horse, then he saw the wings, the horn and the gold regalia. "So, Pegacorn?" Wait a moment, I feel like I've seen you somewhere...
And then it hit him. "Ah, Now I know were I recognize you from! I Was in Denver when I first came to Colorado, and I Decided to go out to a local gun show, Which oddly, was right next to a convention for...What was it again? Ah yes.. My little pony. Of course I didn't think anything of it at the time. But now...

He looked over at the strange creature, It was battered from the collision and was bleeding in several places. "Well, I can't just leave her here like this, well at least I think its a her." He ran back to his truck, reached into the backseat, and pulled out a first aid kit.

He ran back over to her, and knelt down, "Well, I need to call you something." he looked over the creatures body and spotted what appeared to be a tattoo of a sun on it's flank. "How about...Sunny?" No response from the creature, it just lay there. He felt its nervous system yep, it was still alive. Holstering his Glock, he pulled out a strip of gauze, and began to wrap 'Sunny's' wounds. "Wait, should, I use disinfectant?, I'm going to go on the safe side and go with no, no telling what it might do when it makes contact with her bloodstream." He finished bandaging her and looked back at his truck, then back at the creature. "Aright , now that that's done, I need to figure out how to get you in my truck's cargo bed. You're clearly to heavy to be carried across the whole road, I'm going to have to move my tuck a bit closer." He pulled off his gas mask, its not like he needed it. And ran back over to his truck. He drove it over to the spot where Celestia lay. "That's better" He lowered the bed door and pulled her into the back, not exactly gently. "Up you go! There! It's the least I could do seeing that I hit you with my truck going 50 miles an hour." He shut the door and hopped into the front seat. He kept driving as he had before, only this time, a tad bit more cautiously. Until at last he arrived at his house, a comfy 2500 square foot, two story house in the middle of a small valley, complete with a pond, bomb shelter, and sniper nests. A proper Homestead. Again, as other might have found a place like this place unnerving. He loved it. And couldn't imagine a more perfect place to live. He pulled into the driveway, turned off the car, and hopped out.

"Now, here comes the hard part, Getting Miss 'Sunny' into my house." He groaned.

Grabbing the Celestia by her front legs, he slung her over his shoulder, and speed walked over to his front door, stopping only to unlock it. He set her down on his living room couch, and ran to turn of his house's alarm system, then lock his front door.

Nicholas walked back into his front room, and looked over at her. He could swear that he could see some of the wounds were beginning to slowly disappear. "Hmm, I didn't realize this at first, but you look stinking adorable! Ok, that sounded kind of weird... but still." He tapped his foot.

"Well, goodnight I suppose, hope you feel better in the morning." He swore he could see her make a dim smile.

"Jezz, this has by far been the strangest night of my life. It's only 9:30, I guess I better start doing some research on "sunny" over here." He grabbed a bag of beef jerky from the pantry, and some coffee from the fridge. He walked up to his bedroom and turned on his computer. Before entered the creatures characteristics into the browser search bar.

"This is going to be a long, long night."

I hit you...

"Alright. I've decided to record all my findings and experiences regarding the being that is currently sprawled out over my living room couch and drooling on my pillow. (Reminder, decontaminate the couch before using it again).
I First encountered it, or should I say her, on my way back home from work last night. She was just standing there, in the middle of the road, like a deer in head lights. I didn't even see her coming until it was to late, I slammed down on the breaks, but not before I quite firmly hit her going at 50 miles an hour. To my surprise, she was still alive after the impact, so I bandaged her up, and brought her to my house..." He hit the space bar on his computer.

"As far as my research goes on her, I've discovered quite a bit actually. First of all, She isn't supposed to exist. Technically speaking anyway. Her actual name is Celestia. Princess Celestia. The (Supposedly) Fictional Ruler of a fictional nation that is also not supposed to exist. Anyway, that concludes my research session for tonight. I'm all out of beef jerky and the caffeine stopped working hours ago. Will continue in the morning."

About 6 hours later...

Nicholas hopped out of bed, and it suddenly dawned on him," I have the ruler of a fictional nation of small talking horses lying unconscious and badly injured in my front room, I probably shouldn't go to work today, You know what? That's a damn good idea. SICK DAY FOR ME!"

He put on a fresh pair of clothes, walked downstairs, and got started on making breakfast. He put on some nice old fashioned slightly over the top metal music while he did.

Meanwhile...

Celestia opened her eyes, and looked around. The last thing she could remember was that she had been standing on a dark pathway of sort in a forest. When she had suddenly found a pair of blinding lights bearing down on her, followed by the worst pain that she had ever felt jolt through her, then, darkness. Now she appeared to be in what appeared to a building of sorts, with white and brown walls, several tables, and seats facing a a black rectangle of sorts mounted on the wall.
"Where am I?" She thought to herself.

She slid off the couch, and tried to stand up. Which she was able to, barely. Her right wing was broken, and a part of her ribcage too. Although, thanks to her naturally enhanced alicorn super healing, that would soon be fixed. She got to all fours, and noticed that she could hear sounds echoing throughout the room, it sounded like...music? No, It couldn't be, nopony could ever create something like this.

Out of curiosity, she decided to investigate where the sound was coming from. All the while Nicholas was busy dancing to the music, Brooks and Dunn specifically, one of his personal favorites. Well, if it could even be called dancing that is... So much as aggressively making hashbrowns and a fruit salad. Just then, Celestia spotted him.

She looked at the being with curiosity, it was standing on its hind, legs, wearing what appeared to be earth tone clothing . it was mostly hairless with the exception of it's head, and had whitish skin. It was also holding a very large knife in its left hand.

Nicholas, hearing the hoof steps from behind him, turned to investigate. Only to find Celestia standing at the entrance to his kitchen, about 5 feet away.

"Uh, greetings, my name is Princess Celestia, who, and what are you?"

He was so taken by surprise that he dropped his knife. Which narrowly missed his foot

"Uh, you're uh, you can talk?" Asked Nicholas, still bewildered. As they say, "No plan survives first contact with the enemy" or in this case, an alicorn for another dimension. No amount of cartoons or research can really prepare you for the real thing.

"Of course I can talk." She responded.

"Oh, good. That makes it so much easier on me. Now, I believe introductions and an explanation on my side are in order." He said, turning down the music as he did. "My name is Nicholas, I am a human. I found you on the road last night on my way home from work ,badly injured, and Completely out of it. I bandaged you up, and brought you to my house. Which itself is located, roughly 15 miles outside the town of Gypsum, Colorado. Which itself is located in the United states of America. He thought it best to leave out the part that it was he who hit her.

"I, never, in my 2,036 years of existence ever heard of a place called that, although I have heard of humans before.
which means, that unicorn was right?, What was her name again? Ah yes... Lyra Heartstrings . Tell me, do you know anything about her?"

"Who?" was his response.

"Anyway, I can show you some maps of where we are later If you want."

"Well, if what you say is true, Nicholas, Then I thank you for saving my life. "

"You are welcome. "He responded. Celestia held out her right hoof, he gave it a firm shake.
She turned and looked out the window, to see that it was still dark outside. She turned and galloped outside, seemingly forgetting her wounds for the time being stopping only to open the door with her magic, much to the displeasure and confusion of Nicholas.

"Uh, Wait, Wa... but how?! GAHHH!! " Nicholas facepalmed and panicked internally. "Note to self: buy magic proof locks next time I'm in town!"

He walked outside to see Celestia's horn surrounded by a bright yellow glow. She seemed to be focusing intensely on the sky.

"Uh, what are you trying to do?"

"Raise the sun. It doesn't seem to be cooperating. " Was her response.

Nicholas began laughing uncontrollably.

"Well lookie here, we got ourselves a Grade A Nutcase!" The prepper cried out.

"What do you mean by that? "She asked in confusion.

"Oh...Wait.... you're serious? Hate to break it to you, but around here, the sun raises itself, just wait abit."

About 15 minutes later...

"Celestia watched in fascination as the sun moved by itself, For she had never seen anything quite like it before."

"Fascinating."

"Why is that, do physics not exist where you come from or something? "He asked, with an expression of sarcasm on his face.

"Well of course they do, Its just that where I come from... the sun doesn't rise by itself, nor does the moon, and it posses far more ambient magic than this 'Colorado.' "

"You're going to have to explain that later, the timers beeping on my hashbrowns, I got to go them out of the oven, you hungry?"

"Yes, I am. "

With My Truck.

Nicholas walked back inside, and Celestia followed.

"So, what do you want to eat?" He asked somewhat impatiently.

"Well, you said you have fruit salad. May I have some of that?"

"Yes." He turned off the stove, tossed his hashbrowns on his plate and grabbed himself some beef jerky from the pantry.

"Note to self, buy some more next time you go into town."

He Then grabbed a second plate and threw the fruit salad that he had made earlier on a separate plate for Celesta.

"Apologies for the lack of options, I don't usually get visitors, Human or other...unless you count the odd wolf or mountain lion that wanders into my backyard."

"Oh don't worry, Its really no trouble at all." She replied, levitating the plate of fruit away from him. He Blinked and rubbed his eyes.

"Did you actually just levitate that plate out of my hands? Or am I just seeing things again?"

"I'm confused, What did you mean by that, do you humans not use magic?"

"Well... yes.. and...no...and-You know what? That's a very touchy subject I'd prefer not to get into right now, let's just eat."

"Alright then." The two of them sat down at Nicholas's living room table, and began to eat.Nicholas Reached for the salt shaker, and began to pour it onto his hashbrown.

"Uh, pardon me Nicholas, but don't you think you're putting a little... TO much salt on your food?" He laughed.

"I don't understand the question, I've been eating my hashbrowns like this for as long as I can remember." Setting down the salt as he did and beginning to devour his food.

"So, tell me about life in Equestria, how's that working out for you?"

"What do you mean by that?" She asked.

"Well, it's not every day that you stumble upon a mythical creature from another dimension, something must've sent you here. So what?"

To be honest, I'm not quite sure, I was sitting in my throne room when-"

Wait, Your 'throne room' ? Did I hear that correctly?" Nicholas's anger began to swell inside of him, one of the main reasons that he never traveled abroad was that he had a hard time taking the government's of foreign nations "seriously", especially monarchy's. "Hold on, maybe she has a good reason for this, let's hear her out."

"Yes, does your nation not posses a ruler as well?"

"AHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAH!!!!! That's The dumbest #### I've ever heard! No, our country does not have a ruler per say... Tell me Celestia. Have you ever heard of a 'Democratic Republic' before?"

"I've heard the term somewhere before, but I can't quite place it."

"Oh boy... this is going to take some explaining."

About 4 hours of history later...

"...And here we are In the present day, the most powerful nation on this planet."

"Impressive, And you humans accomplished this all without magic?"

"Well, not me. I had nothing to do with it. But as for This nation's founders? Yes. At least as far as I know. So, about your life in Equestria, tell me more."

One more thing.. during your explanation of your country's history, You mentioned something called, 'The right to bear arms' Multiple times, What does it mean?"

"Well... You see Celestia..."He got up from the couch and walked over to one one his shelfs' and snatched up a KSG 12 shotgun."

"Its honestly one of my favorite parts of living in this country. Its the ability to own legally own lethal weapons. Such as this." He said, racking a fresh slug into the chamber as he did.

"What is exactly is that?" She asked him.

It's kind of hard to explain, Imagine a crossbow, you have those where you live, right?" She nodded.

"Well, it's sort of like that, except instead of firing wooden bolts using kinetic energy, it uses the thermal energy and the pressure wave created by a small controlled explosion with the barrel of the weapon. Causing the projectile, known as a 'bullet' to fly out extremely fast, impacting its target with devastating force. Although that itself depends on the type of gun, the caliber of the round, and many other factors which I have neither the time nor patience to get into right now. I think it would be matter just to show you. Follow me." With that he walked over to his closet, grabbed a case of 12 gauge shells, and a few empty root beer bottles from his trash can, and walked out back behind his house. With Celestia in tow. He walked over to the tree line, being sure to check for wildlife first, and set them up on a fence post, then walked back about 40 yards.

"This particular one that I'm holding is called a KSG 12, it's smaller than most shotguns, but it still packs quite a punch, as I like to call it. '12 Reasons to feel confident'. Letting out a slightly malicious chuckle as he said it. Usually this thing takes, Something called Buckshot, so called because they're used to hunt deer-"

"What do you mean by 'Hunt'?" She asked with a stern look on her face.

"For food, sometimes for fun-"

"I was under the impression that you were a herbivore."

"No, humans are what you would call omnivores, meaning they can eat pretty much anything, doesn't mean we want to. Or have to."

"Huh." She said, her voice filled with wonder as well as concern.

"SO anyway, then there's birdshot, for hunting birds obviously. Don't worry, none of them are sentient here. And then there's slugs, what I have in here right now. They're basically normal bullets, except much more powerful, a a tad bit less accurate. Now, you may want to cover your ears." He aimed down the red dot sight, and pulled the trigger, popping the flimsily aluminum can with ease.

"You wanna give it a try?" He asked.

"No thank you." She replied, still clearly a bit worried by the prospect of humans being able to eat meat." Suit yourself. "He popped the other 4 cans, and gestured for Celestia to come back inside.

"Why do you have all of this?" She asked him on the way back.

"Well, That's a good question, I'm What you would call, a 'doomsday prepper' A person who prepares, for, well... Lets just go with 'hard times'."

"I think I understand." She replied.

"So, Now, I didn't let you finish early, what's your life like in your home dimension?"

"Well..."

At About this, time, with a little help from Luna, The main six where able to figure out where Twilights teleportation spell had sent Celestia, and had reverse engineered Twilight's spell to crate a 'rescue portal' of sorts the 7 of them hopped through it. They appeared in a large open felid, surrounded on all sides by mountains, trees, a lake, and a modestly sized house. They Could Here Shouting coming from it, they decided to try and investigate.

"What The hell do you mean MAGIC OF FREINDSHIP!!!!??!?!?!?!?, Get out of my house you ruffians!" Nicholas yelled with vigor, now clad in full combat fatigues and sporting an AR 15 with a 60 round drum magazine.

"Why, was it something I said? "She asked out of sheer confusion. One moment he had been perfectly calm and fine.. albeit a little strange, But that was to be expected with new spices after all, that was, until she began talking about he prized pupils, and the "Magic of Friendship, when he calmly excused himself, walked upstairs, and came down 5 minutes later looking like he was going to try and take on the entire royal guard at once.

"Are all humans like this?" She thought to herself, completely confused.

"What's wrong?" She asked him.

"Oh, What? This? Oh! Gosh, I'm sorry about this. It's just....I have a bad history with... A certain group of people that preach that kind of bull####." He let out a sigh, slinging his rifle back over his shoulder.

The main six heard the whole conversation, and came barging in, expecting a fight, what they got was the exact opposite.

"Hello, sister, I've missed you!"Celestia and Luna hugged each other, while Nicholas was standing in the corner, trying to hold back his laughter and wide malicious smirk as best as he could. Celestia turned back to Nicholas.

"Nicholas, This is my sister, Princess Luna and those students I was telling you about. Girls, this Nicholas and-"

"AHAHHAHAHA!!! Its Like I'm looking at an abstract art museum!" He stopped to catch his breath, then changed his tone. "Pleasure to meet you all," tipping his helmet to them.

Luna spoke up. "Sir, if you don't mind me asking, What with that armor of yours? you look like you're preparing for war."

Nicholas blushed and chuckled nervously "Well, Ma'am. Your Sister and I had a little... Difference of opinion, equally both our faults. And Celestia, I never did tell you what got you in such bad shape.. Did I?" She looked at him with confusion.

"WHEHEHELLLL... It was kinda, sorta, my fault, It was driving down the highway last night on my way home from work... and you just... appeared out of nowhere.. and I rammed straight into you... It was an accident! I swear!" He stammered out

"Now listen here buster!". The rainbow maned one with wings spoke up, hovering right up to his face, He didn't even flinch.

"I've faced down mountain lions, aliens, freakery government agents, and drunk hillbillies, Do you honestly think you scare me?"

"Rainbow dash, please stand down." Celestia instructed. She groaned, and flew back over to her friends.

"Nicholas, I forgive you."

"Thank you, And one more thing, tell me... have you ever heard of castle law?"

"No..."

"well... you're about to get you first crash course in it... start runnin'."

What?... but I just-"

"I'm just messing with you all, The exception being that pink... Thing in the back... Don't think I don't see you."

"Oh, He's talking about me!!" Yelled Pinkie, waving a hoof in the air.

"No one asked! Now, Sit down, I have something to show you all." He grabbed the TV remote, and switched on his TV.

"Time to turn these ponies world upside down."

1 week later...

After the "Incident" , he decided to finally get that thing he was talking about, he drove into town, and parked out front of the town locksmith.

"Ahhh! Nicholas, What can I do for ya?" Asked the old grizzled locksmith.

"Tell me, do you have any... Magic proof locks???" He could practically hear a record scratch in the distance.

"Well... let me see what we have in stock."

"Thank you." Nicholas began tapping his foot on the linoleum.

"I've got to get out of this crazy town before it's to late." Thought the locksmith.

"Preferably something that hooves can't break through." Nicholas added.