My Voice in a Head

Chapters

Chapter three hundred words per minute
Chapter four hours 'till lunch
Chapter five things I never wanted to experience
Chapter six completely wasted hours
Chapter seven times the lethal dose of bullsh... I mean boredom
Super non-canon hyper self-indulgent power-trippy Christmas special stupid chapter
Chapter eight in the morning is the lazy man's hour
Chapter ten-tative efforts to not look completely insane
Chapter eleven bruises that are totally not my fault
Chapter twelve minutes of madness
Chapter one weird morning
Chapter two of us in here now, it seems
Chapter nine out of ten doctors recommend going to see a doctor when something's wrong

Chapter three hundred words per minute

Author’s notes: Again, plain text is narration/MC’s personal thoughts, quotation marks indicate spoken and audible words, and lines in italics are only ever heard inside the main protagonists’ head. Dave “speaks” with -, S.S. thinks with --.

Chapter 3

The sun was bright, the breeze was cool, the birds were weaving their peaceful melody in and around the unashamedly antique-looking town, and the smell of plants and nature and flowers was everywhere. That was not what made the brown pony named Silver Spring stop his frenzied run halfway through his yard, fighting to regain his composure and slow his breathing to a more manageable level. It was, instead, the face of another pony. A mint green unicorn who had taken a startled step back after almost having a head-to-head collision with the pony I found myself passively inhabiting.

-You’ve got to be kidding me.

Overcoming her surprise, the unicorn returned to the half-worried, half-puzzled expression she wore before the near-impact.

-How the hell is green a natural hair color?

I felt my lips-his lips part ways to reveal a forced, hopefully-honest-looking smile as he tried to suppress the stress in his voice:

“Hi there, neighbor!” My ja- My host’s jaw stayed clamped shut while he forced the words through his very-probably-creepy-looking smile. “What a fine, perfectly normal day today is, isn’t it?”

-And it’s a unicorn. A candy-green, flippin’ unicorn is standing right in front of me.

The flipping unicorn took another step back, obviously worried and possibly fearing for her life, before warily answering:

“Uh, are you okay?” She cast a quick glance to her right at another pony watching the scene from the window of the house next door. Apparently gaining a little confidence from that simple gesture, she added: “We heard screaming. Lots of screaming.” The blue-and-pink-maned pony in the window nodded vigorously at the unicorn’s words.

-A talking, mint-green, unicorn pony. Of course I’m sane, why wouldn’t I be? All of this is totally, preposterously normal!

--Oh no she’s going to think I’m insane what am I going to tell her I have to come up with something fast!

He saw that literally everyone in the street was looking at him and did what almost anyone would do in that situation: start blabbering whatever he could think of.

“Oh I just had this...uh... terrible nightmare! You know, all spooky in a dark forest full of mist and there was somepony following me and-and... uh... SPIDERS! Spiders everywhere! And then I was falling! So then I woke up but when I got up I hit my knee on the bed...” He lifted his hind leg to show off the scratched skin of his knee, a slight bruise already visible through his coat. “...and that made me trip and fall on my face...” he pointed the spot on his forehead where he had repeatedly acquainted it with the wall. “So I was in a lot of pain so I screamed a lot but I’m all better now and now I’m late for work and I have to go now okay bye!”

And he immediately bolted, running past the stunned unicorn as she was just beginning to let out a long, hesitant “ooookay”. We were out of earshot before she could say another word.

-Oh god they’re everywhere and they’re blue and pink and green and purple for fuck’s sake! What kind of freaky genes make natural purple hair? This world... this world is just pure bullshit.

“Could you please stop saying vulgarities in my head?” he whispered as quietly as he could through gritted teeth, while looking around to make sure no one had heard that. It took me a moment to realise something:

-Uh... you do realise I can hear your thoughts, right? You don’t have to “say” stuff, you know.

He skidded to a halt, yelling “What?” out loud like an idiot and drawing looks from all the other ponies in the street. “A... uh... beautiful day today, isn’t it everypony?” Without waiting for an answer he dashed through the crowd again.

-Sweet catch, bro. Real smooth.

--Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

-Well I thought it was pretty obvious. Didn’t you hear my thoughts?

--No. ...wait, that means... Ah! I don’t have time for this! Focus, Silver, got to focus! Get to work, then worry about stuff. That’s what work is for anyways. But keep cool, don’t panic and stop galloping like a madpony.

-Yeah. Take it easy, dude.

--Please be quiet. You’re not helping.

He slowed a little as his nervousness faltered, slowly reassured by the familiar setting. The multi-colored ponies walked around us, going every which way in their routines. This was normal –for him. I just found it unbelievable. The two emotions fought each other fiercely. While he forced his mind to wander to the inane things he couldn’t think about when we first met, I found myself mesmerized by the movement of “our” legs. His quadruped walk was incredibly complicated; instead of the “alternating left-right” I was used to, this was more like a cycle, with each leg moving one at a time too fast for me to wrap my head around the order. It really didn’t help that I was just a passenger in this, like trying to understand how a master chef or an acrobat can move so fast and precisely just by watching them.

--So... I hope you know how suspicious that makes you.

I had to take a moment to snap out of it. How did he walk like that?

-What?

--The “hearing all my thoughts” thing. Isn’t that suspiciously convenient for you?

-I’m not so sure about that. I can’t not hear you. It’s already getting hard to concentrate on anything.

--Hmph! Well it serves you right.

A few ponies waved at him as he passed and he returned the gesture. Thankfully none bothered to engage in conversation as he was still obviously in a hurry. His mind was settling, returning to the idle, almost-brainless banter it usually spewed.

-- ...ocolate is good. Hay did I pay that bill? Wow that pebble is so blue. Meh. Oh that wind is nice. I wonder how big you could grow pumpkins. A pumpkin boat would be so cool. ...Eh, It’d start to smell after a while. But not if you eat it before it spoils. Mmmm... pumpkin pie. Hay it’s that guy I worked on this project with in school that one time. What was his name again? Ah what’s that buzz around my ear!? Is it a bee? I hate bees. Oh it’s gone now, phew. I wonder if I could tie a flyswatter to the end of my tail for better defense against bees. Haha! Then I could go and eat all the honey! Hm I wonder if you could make a pie filled with nothing but honey. Why does honey make bread go all crispy? I bet it’s some bee curse to...

Ugh! It was all so... inane! Does everyone’s mind usually wander like that? Did my mind go off at random when I wasn’t paying attention or was it just him? It certainly couldn’t at the moment, being interrupted constantly by his endless flow of disjointed thoughts. I decided to start another conversation, if only to get him to shut up about bee conspiracies.

-So where are we, by the way?

He looked around, blinking. He had apparently somehow forgotten me, it seemed.

--Oh, uh, well, this is Ponyville.

-Why does everything I learn about this place make it sound more and more stupid?

--What’s wrong with Ponyville?

-I think it sounds stupid.

He huffed lightly, drawing a perplexed look from a mare he was passing by.

--Oh here comes the great and powerful super-judge of names again. I don’t think you’re in any position to talk about stupid names, “Dave” the “human”.

-Hey this is totally different! There is no city called “humanville” where I’m from, because that would sound dumb. This probably isn’t the only town where ponies live, so what makes this one so much more “pony” than the others that it becomes justified as part of the name?

--uh...

-Yeah, anyway, nevermind. Where is this Ponyville? Is it part of a country or something?

--The kingdom we are in is called Equestria, and Ponyville is just a few hours away from the capital city of Canterlot.

-Oh god, puns. Everything is a pun. Please just kill me now.

He frowned, rolling his eyes. They settled somewhere on the upper left of his vision, apparently staring at me –or rather, where he felt they were the closest to glaring at his own brain. Somehow.

--Maybe I should just stop talking to you if you keep insisting on taking everything so negatively.

-Okay, okay, I’m sorry! I just... don’t know what to think of this right now! It’s just so weird! Ugh, I need time to take this all in. Where are you going, anyway?

--To work! I work at...

A strange pink blur had been approaching from down the street for a few seconds now, emitting an almost stranger, high-pitched buzz whenever it came to a stop next to every pony it passed. It eventually stopped right in front of us, interrupting Silver Spring’s chain of thoughts with the same buzz it had projected in the others’ faces. I quickly realised that the buzz was actually made up of words, only spoken at a dizzying pace. What I first noticed, however, was:

-Holy shit that thing is so pink!

The mare had a pink coat with a darker pink, supremely poofy mane. She was even more disheveled than Silver Spring and looked around excitedly while speaking, making her mane bounce around at random. Her squeaky voice became only slightly more bearable once my host took a step back while also turning his ears away from her.

-So... much... pink... How can anything be so freaking pink?

“Oh my gosh I’ve been looking everywhere and I still just can’t find him or her or it or hhieirmt but it’s so important because my reputation is on the line I mean hello who would I be if I didn’t greet every single new pony in town...”

-Did she just try to combine him, her and it into a single word?

“ ...party and it’s going to be awesome and of course everypony’s invited so you can come too if you want Silver but first I have to find the new visitor so I can know what name to put on the “welcome-to-Ponyville-mysterious-stranger-have-a-nice-visit” cake so do you know where I could find that sneaky-hidey visitor because you see when I woke up this morning I had this doozy of a combo...”

-Is she a robot? Doesn’t she need to breathe at some point?

“ ...Bad breath and my tail twitched in this kind of weird zig-zag way and my left ear flapped all alone without my right one and all of that basically means “There’s somepony new in town but they’ll be very very hard to find” so I said weee I get to play hide-and-seek so I counted to ten and then I started looking and I asked the Cakes and they didn’t know so then I asked...”

-Um, is it just me or is she getting blue? Or... purple, I guess?

--I’m going to try something...

“ ...she didn’t know either but it’s no surprise I mean the girl only has eyes for muffins she can’t hope to be as vigilant as Mmmhmmhhmmhm mhm hmhm mmmhhhmhmh”

The pink monster tried to keep talking through Silver Spring’s hoof for a few seconds. He had shoved it right in her mouth, blocking the verbal avalanche we had endured for the past few moments. Her eyes went wide as her cheeks kept taking on a deeper shade of blue before she grabbed his leg between her front hooves. Pushing the silencing appendage out of her mouth, she took an enormous gasping breath that seemed to inflate her somehow before dropping back on all fours, panting.

“Thanks” she said, “I forget to breathe sometimes when I’m very excited and I was super-duper excited right now because I need everypony to be on the lookout for that stranger because I really really need to find himherit very soon because if I don’t it’ll be too late for the party even though I guess we could move the party to tomorrow instead of today but that’s beside the point the point is I have to find...”

He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her lightly, shouting “Miss Pie, please!” It seemed to calm her down somehow, as she blinked a few times and just stared at him.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” She said, still blinking and looking a little confused. “Waaaait a minute... ” Her perplexity seemed to increase as she leaned a bit closer, still staring at Silver Spring. She squinted her eyes, raising a single eyebrow and slowly leaning back away again, before cocking her head to the side and pressing her face closer once more. “Hmmm...” She said, continually leaning back and forth in front of us, squinting and staring straight in Silver Spring’s eyes.

-What is she doing? She’s starting to freak me out.

--I don’t know, I’ve never even seen her like that. What is she even looking at?

He backed away slowly from the hmmming and swaying mare before asking “Uh... is everything okay? You’re making me a little uncomfortable.”

“I don’t... know...” was her reply. She then suddenly perked up, saying “Well it’s probably nothing! Anyway, be sure to watch out for anypony you’ve never seen before and tell them to visit Sugarcube Corner ‘cause we have the best cupcakes in town! Thanks! Bye!” And with that, she was zipping along the street again, repeating her request to everyone she passed.

-What even just happened?

--I’m as lost as you are. I guess that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.

-Wait her name is Pinkie... Pie? That’s just...

His eyes narrowed in irritation.

- ...ugh, nevermind.

He resumed our walk, passing more and more candy-colored ponies and their almost-equally colorful houses. I saw a marketplace passing by, with various stalls set up to sell food and flowers, among other things. The owners of the stalls were either shouting to attract customers or just politely handling the clients they already had. I noticed the ponies were paying with shiny, golden coins they would just throw on the counters.

As he kept trotting along, following some gradually more narrow and cramped streets, I got to wondering just how much help we could actually find for our current problem. Their technology clearly wasn’t as advanced as that of humans, and I assumed their medical sciences were probably just as far behind. If science couldn’t understand what was going on, what kind of conclusion would they reach about his mental health? What did they do with the mentally ill here? If the ponies were as... medieval as they seemed, would they use treatments similar to what we did to the insane in those times? I would have shuddered at that if I still had muscles to agitate. On the other hand, That Pinkie Pie ...thing certainly didn't seem worse for wear, even though she was clearly at least a little unhinged.

My thoughts were interrupted when his own focused on a nearby building, a sense of familiarity filling my mind.

This street felt familiar yet nearly a bit depressing, its buildings crammed together on either side and rising high overhead. Most of the second floors were slightly larger than their bases, spilling above the street and forming a canopy of sorts. Few ponies walked in the dim light, and all of them seemed either in a hurry to go somewhere else or terribly busy. This was a business street, with no room for pleasing aesthetics or relaxation. An annoyed glare was probably the best you could hope when meeting an acquaintance here. Maybe, just maybe a friend would smile at you. That was the feeling I got, anyway.

Silver Spring had stopped in front of one boringly simple building, running a checklist in his head to see if he had forgotten anything in his precipitation. He nodded to himself when he was satisfied and stepped forward, climbing the three short steps leading to the entrance.

A sign over the door read: “Straight Edge Architects”. A smaller sign next to the door listed business hours, and the building itself was a very modest two-story cube of wood with a few windows, those on the upper floor being much larger. This was the only place on the whole street that he seemed eager to see.

--Ah, finally. I hope I’m not in too much trouble.

He put on his best (forced) smile and stepped through the door.

Chapter four hours 'till lunch

Chapter 4

“Hey. You’re late.”

The yellow mare sitting behind a desk to the left barely looked up from whatever she was doing when she spoke. She was shuffling some unseen papers with her hooves, busily staring at them through a small pair of rectangular glasses perched up on her nose. Or maybe it should be called a muzzle? She didn’t wait for an answer before adding:

“Signed Scroll was here just minutes ago. Apparently the mayor’s office wants the feasibility reports on those new bridge designs somewhere around yesterday.”

“What? But they said I still had at least a week!”

--Those lying… those lying…

-Idiots?

--Cheats!

“Yeah well apparently they heard that one of the princesses is visiting soon and they want everything to be in order before she gets here so they can devote everything to her welcoming committee.”

Silver Spring scoffed.

“Pfff yeah, right. They just want to try to impress her with their nonsense designs.”

“Now, now, Silver, it’s none of our faults if the mayor’s niece decided she wants to be an architect instead of an ice cream salesmare like her flank says she should.” She visibly rolled her grey eyes. “You’d better get to it anyway.”

-I don’t know what’s going on but that sounds like it meant that they are idiots.

He groaned, hung his head and headed to one of the two drawing tables sitting near the far wall, muttering “At least they have the common sense to let actual professionals review it…”

-Yeah, about that, what do you do?

He set his bags on a nearby table and picked through them to take out some set squares and a ruler, as well as a few pencils.

--I’m an engineer. I handle the math side of Lemony’s designs.

-Who?

He glanced at the very yellow pony sitting across the room. She had a light-yellow mane with white highlights hanging freely over her lemon-yellow coat.

-Oh, I get it. Lemony. ‘cause she’s yellow. …Like a lemon. …Ugh.

--I think I’ll just stop telling you names if all you do is groan at them like that. Lemony Loft is just the most awesome name for the most awesome architect in Equestria.

He rummaged through a rack of rolled-up blueprints and unfolded one on the table.

--Look at that! All those arches and the strut placement and the way she puts little details that most clients never even notice but that enhance the aesthetic and make it so much more… lively than any other architect out there!

-Wow… uh, yeah, it’s just a house. I don’t see what’s so special about it.

--Well clearly you don’t understand true genius!

“Something wrong?”

“Huh? What?”

Silver Spring looked up, surprised. The “Lemony” mare was looking at us-him- with an eyebrow raised.

-You just went “Hmph” out loud.

--Oh for the love of… you see what you made me do?

“Uh, nothing, it’s fine. Nevermind.” He cleared his throat and faked a sudden and keen interest in the blueprints on the table.

-I really have to insist, once again, that I’m completely powerless here. I didn’t make you do anything.

--I’m pretty sure “staying quiet” is something you can do. Preferably right now and for at least a few hours, please.

He returned the blueprint to the pile, swapping it for another. This one, after being unfurled, showed an almost undecipherable mess of lines and curves that took me a few seconds to recognize as a bridge of some sort.

-Why do the supports look like ice cream cones?

--Oh sweet princesses it’s even worse than I remembered.

He groaned and face-desked while the yellow mare chuckled at his reaction.

“So,” she asked, “when do you think the amazing vanilla cream bridge will be built?”

“This is the worst day ever!” He replied, his face still hugging the table.

-Finally something we can both completely agree on.

He rose back up to rub his temples while groaning, which actually felt good; he was starting to get a headache. I decided to help him take his mind off of the scribbled mess on the table.

-So she’s your boss, huh? She seems friendly enough.

--Yes, she’s pretty wonderful. She inherited the business from her father, Straight Edge, but she’s really more of an artist so she hired me to take care of all that bothersome math for her. It’s working pretty good, I must say.

He glanced at the plan below.

--At least she doesn’t draw abominations like that…

-Yeah, who even drew this and why is anyone taking it seriously?

--The mayor’s niece. And I really really hope she’s just humoring her. I just wish it didn’t mean I’d have to waste my time on it, though.

He let out a deep sigh.

--Oh well, better get started on these… things.

-- …How is this even supposed to hold anything up and what did she even draw there? Looks like a seven, wait… 6N07? What’s that supposed to mean? Oh. OH. Oooooaugh! Why did she write “long” upside-down and what does she even mean by that? Does it refer to that beam or to the nails she clearly drew individually? You don’t draw every single nail in your plans! That’s not what an architect does! How can she even pretend to be an archi-

-Hey.

-- …tect with the way she works? How does she not notice how talentless she is? WHY DOES SHE WANT THE SUPPORT CABLES MADE OUT OF WOOD? Solid carved wood makes very poor cables! The tensile strength is nowhere near adequate to suspend a bridge! Even if you put five redundant pillars to support the span! And why would the flavor of the fake ice cream need to be mentioned in-

-Hey!

-- … the blueprints? IT WILL BE PAINTED ON! It’s just cosmetic! This information has no reason to exist on this piece of paper at this moment in time! Is… is that cross-hatching? Why do you decorate the plans you stupid-

-Hey, listen!

--WHAT?! What do you want and why should I even listen to you? I am extremely cranky right now in case you hadn’t noticed!

-You’re hungry. It’s getting annoying, although it could explain your crankiness…

--I know I’m hungry, and I say it’s all your fault, so just deal with it!

-What? What did I even do!?

He lifted his snout a little higher in the air, and I felt something like entitled smugness rising in his head.

--Well if you hadn’t been there to upset me this morning, I would have had time to prepare properly, which would have included eating something. So this is all because you’re here.

-Uh, not to blow your bubble or anything, but I’m pretty sure our little freaking-out session took only about twenty minutes, at which point you were late by fifteen. Unless you have super-speed, I don’t see how just five minutes would’ve been enough for anything.

A strong urge to face-palm overcame me, certainly from his side of the brain, as the thought struck him:

--I… forgot to set my alarm clock last night.

-I didn’t even see a clock in that room of yours.

This time his hoof couldn’t resist the urge. Huh, facehoofing kinda hurts.

--Because I forgot it in the bathroom!

-What were you even doing with that in there?

--I… uh… Look, never mind. I’ll go eat something just as soon as I’m done documenting all the ways in which, if those bridges were ever built, the rubble from their inevitable collapse would be at risk of collapsing even more. Can you just be quiet until then?

-Tsh, yes, Mom.

“Everything alright?”

Lemony came back into view as Silver Spring looked up at her.

“Oh, yes, just peachy!”

Her left eyebrow made its way up her forehead, with a little smile creeping up her cheeks. Well at least ponies could understand sarcasm; there was hope for this world yet.

“They’re really that bad, huh?” She asked coyly.

“They are full of terrible ideas!” he whined, slumping on the table. “It’s like she vaguely dictated her plans to a newborn foal and didn’t bother to review them before sending them here!”

I couldn’t see her anymore, as Silver Spring was busy fixating his eyes on the wood grain of the table, but Lemony’s tone shifted to something a little more serious when she said:

“Hmm, well, take it easy, Silv. You’ve been acting pretty weird today, and you look really stressed out. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

He sighed. “Yes, everything’s fine-“

-Except for me being stuck here.

“ …I just had a bad morning and uh, stuff, I guess.”

-Wow, good to know I’ve been promoted from ‘get out of my head’ to ‘stuff’. Thanks a lot.

--Stop iiiit…

-Whatever.

He sat back up and picked up his pen in his mouth, grumbling.

--I’ll just get this over with…

Boredom. So much boredom. And irritation too. The latter probably came from him, but the former was almost certainly mine. Believe it or not, being a pony in the act of meticulously detailing the basic principles of structural engineering via a pen held in the mouth is not nearly as interesting as one would imagine. The novelty wears out after a surprisingly short number of minutes.

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk

To be fair, the actual mechanics of mouth-writing were much more entertaining than the task they were being used for. The pen danced around on the page, guided by the constant push of the lips and the occasional flick of the tongue. It was at least mildly mesmerizing. I hoped ponies weren’t in the habit of freely sharing office supplies; that would have been gross, seeing as how the mere act of writing was uncomfortably similar to making out with the pen.

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk

Still, unwittingly simulated lust for inanimate objects aside, the agility and deftness of our lips was a pretty amazing feeling. It was almost a nearly-adequate poor sort-of-substitute for hands.

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk

I had decided a few minutes ago to start referring to this body’s limbs as “ours” for the sake of simplicity. I knew that I had no right to claim even partial possession of anything belonging to Silver Spring, but the way his brain kept bombarding me with the kind of sensory information that screams “this is yours!” made it difficult to detach myself from it. So, you know, split the difference and all that.

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk

But boy, was I still bored right now. I kept hounding his peripheral vision to look at the clock whenever his field of view wandered at the right angle to do so. It was about twenty minutes before noon.

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk

“Silver, could you stop that?”

Silver’s eyes shot up, fixating on Lemony with a surprised blink.

“Whu? What? Stop what?”

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk

She rubbed the sides of her head while speaking, obviously annoyed.

“That …thing you’re doing with your leg. It’s really grating, you know.”

Silver looked at both his forehooves in turn, confused, before gazing down at the hind legs; one of which was repeatedly jumping up and down.

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk, the drumming impacts of the hoof on the floor, resonated around the room.

--What in Equestria is this?

He forced the offending leg to rest on the floor, pushing it down as if afraid it was possessed or something.

-It’s just like what I do when I’m bored or impatient. Hey, guess we do have a few things in common. I-

--It’s not something we have in common! I have never done this in my entire life. I… I wasn’t doing this just now. That wasn’t me… that wasn’t me!

-Wait, it wasn’t?

He gasped loudly as I found myself incredibly scared. No, wait, he was scared. Looking around the room, his eyes swept over Lemony, who was now watching us with startled interest. As he glanced at the clock, I heard her voice ask something with a worried tone. I couldn’t quite make out the words over the sound of Silver Spring’s jumbled thoughts.

“Oh well just look at the time!” He said, “You know what? I’m super-hungry! I think I’ll go grab some lunch, want anything?”

He searched his bags for a little clinking pouch and took off as soon as he grabbed it, just in time for the yellow pegasus to answer in the negative. Or at least I think she did, it was hard to tell over the din of the coin pouch in our mouth rattling a few inches away.

As soon as he was out of the building, he took off sprinting in an apparently random direction, ducking down the first cramped alleyway he noticed.

--What have you done to me? Was the first coherent thought to come up through the swirling ball of panic in his mind. The second was:

--What are you doing to me you monster?

-I didn’t do anything!

--You were shaking my leg! You said you couldn’t do anything with my body!

-Which I was utterly convinced of until just now. I swear I had no idea that-

--LIAR! You’re trying to take over my body! I won’t let you! Get out of my head!

-Ugh, not this again. Look, are you sure it wasn’t you?

--Get out of my head! Get out of my body! Leave me alone!

He clutched his head tightly, rocking back and forth and hyperventilating. Oh damn, this wasn’t good. He really needed to calm down. Oh no no no no NO! He’d panic again, accuse me of every single one of his stupid problems, and then I’d lose what little amount of trust I had managed to gather, and then I’d be stuck here forever because he’d never listen to me again and he’d never try to find a way to get me out of here. Why? Why did this bullshit happen to me? Why did I have to get sucked into this nightmare? I never wanted any of this! I just wanted to spend my first full day off in weeks doing something fun like going out to the park or watch a movie or something! “Waking up in the brain of some paranoid, ridiculously-spookable pony” was never in my plans!

In the blind haze of his anxiety, watching the black spots in his vision caused by his excessive breathing and listening to the thump of his blood pounding in his ears, and knowing that the only “person” in this stupid, nonsense world who could even try to begin to talk to me would probably never want to do so again, I think I just gave up. I was so scared, so lost, so… damn helpless… All I wanted at that moment...

-I just want to go home. I just, I just want to go back home.

I felt a small bit, a drop of salty moisture, find its way into our open mouth, and land on the tongue.

--What?

The back-and-forth rocking stopped, letting a hoof reach up and rub against our cheek, coming back into view covered in water.

--Tears? Why am I crying?

-Because you’re an emotionally unstable idiot who can’t take anything like a fucking man!

--No. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Why are you crying?

-I’m not crying! Your body, your tears, buddy. You’ve been stressing out since this morning, and this was your breaking point! So you cried like a baby when my desperation leaked into your brain!

He puffed out his chest in a defiant attitude, stomping a hoof down for emphasis as he replied:

--I’ll have you know my anxiety attacks never lead to tears. When I get to my breaking point I vomit. So these tears were yours. What’s got you so depressed anyways? Shouldn’t you be happy that your possession is advancing?

-What’s got me depressed is the fact that you just can’t get it into your thick skull that I want nothing to do with you! I don’t want to be a pony, I certainly don’t want your body, and even if I did have my own body, I wouldn’t want to be in your stupid world even one second longer! I just want to go home! Why can’t you see that I want to get out of here just as much as you want to see me go? And you know what? The possibility that I am somehow taking over your body makes me just as terrified as you! I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. In. Here! What is it going to take for you to believe me? I w-

“Okay, okay, stop!”

-Inner voice, twit.

--Stop insulting me!

The fear and panic had slowly turned into irritation as I ranted. He took a few, long breaths, slowly but surely calming down. He kept his eyes closed, listening to the rising activity in the nearby street as ponies apparently left their workspace for their lunchbreaks.

--Fine, I still don’t know what’s going on, how you got here, what you are, how we’re apparently sharing my brain and mixing our emotions, or how any of this is possible, but for the sake of my blood pressure, I am deciding to choose to believe you when you say you are as lost as me. You are not responsible for whatever is happening.

-Wait, really?

--Yes, I guess. It’s just not healthy to panic like that all the time.

-Oh god finally! Thank you! I could just hug you right now! It’s about time you decided to listen to reason! You to-

Our legs, or arms or whatever, suddenly wrapped around our torso, squeezing tightly. Silver Spring was hugging himself?

-What are you doing?

--Didn’t you just say you wanted to hug me?

He held the pose for a moment, patting his own back, before standing back up and dusting himself lightly with his hooves and tail.

-I just don’t know how to respond to that.

--Bah, as you say, ‘whatever’. Anyways, I’m still incredibly hungry, so I will get myself some food! How about that?

He wiped what little moisture lingered on his face and grabbed the coins back from the ground, before stepping out into the increasingly busy street.

-Like I even have a choice. And just for the record, You’re totally the one who was crying.

--No, you were crying.

-Bitch, please, you were the one who cried.

--Pfff, you wish, alien…

Author's Note

Blughghtutehguhfuhj I suck.

Chapter five things I never wanted to experience

Chapter 5

I sat, eyeing a plate of dirty, greasy, fibrous clumps of hay piled on an absorbent towel, the oil soaking the paper with its vile, revolting brownness. The scent of the fluid, probably nearly black from days or weeks of frequently burning food to crispiness, assaulted my sense of smell with an acrid stench of heavy, charred grease. It looked incredibly delicious.

-God damn it Silver Spring stop ruining my disgust!

--You stop ruining my appetite with your crazy tastes! Hay fries are the best!

-They shouldn’t even exist! You can’t fry dry things!

--Hmph, well guess what?

The oily dead grass rose, lifted by a brown hoof, and entered our mouth.

-Euagh it’s disgusting!

--No it’s not, it’s delicious!

-I knoooow!

The deliciously disgusting mush rolled around the taste buds, thrilling them with the pasty oily flavor of dead grass dunked in grease. It was really good for a lump of bland, tasteless muck.

-Please stop eating that, I don’t want to enjoy it!

He performed an admirable eyeroll, taking his eyes off the plate to sweep across the scenery. The small restaurant he had chosen for his meal was just short of being packed, with ponies of all ages and sizes partaking in the timeless pleasure of stuffing themselves full of fast food. Well, except for one.

Silver Spring sighed.

--You’re not going to make this easy, aren’t you? You do know you’re ruining it for me too, right?

-It’s not my fault if your tastes are weird and crazy! At least put some ketchup on it or something to hide the taste!

The beautiful bottle stood on the table, within arm’s reach, glistening with fresh condensation like a flask of liquid divine intervention coated in glorious morning dew. It almost shined with holy light. I really hoped it was the same sort of ketchup I knew and not some strange pony version full of grass or dead leaves or whatever else ponies ate.

--Egh, ketchup.

-How can anyone not like ketchup?

--I’m just not a big fan of tomatoes, that’s all!

With a sigh, he reached for the bottle and carefully grabbed it with his hooves, masterfully flipping it upside down to let the red lifesaver flow. Hopefully it wouldn’t make things worse.

-I don’t think I’ll ever understand how any of this is possible with hooves.

--There. Here’s your stupid ketchup.

He looked at the plate of ketchup-covered fries and sighed once again.

-Oh, stop being so melodramatic.

--As I recall, you were the one screaming like a filly about fries just a second ago. Look, I’ll try to get this over with as fast as possible. Just stop whining, please?

-Ugh, whatever.

He began eating the fries much less enthusiastically, finding no enjoyment in it. He didn’t like the ketchup, and I didn’t like the fries, ruining both for both of us. The result was a strange feeling of being just short of having a good time, like being at an awesome party with nothing but people you hate.

Rather than dwell on the fact that merely eating was becoming such a chore in itself, I decided to hopefully distract us both with some conversation.

-So, what are these butt tattoos on everyone?

Was the first subject that came to mind. It had steadily been bothering me for a while, ever since noticing the phenomenon for the first time. I had mostly overlooked it while freaking out about the insane pastel hair colors -which were admittedly much less plausible, in hindsight- but now that I had had time to think about it seemed pretty weird. Well, as weird as anything could get around here. More weird-er, if you will.

--Whu… What?

-Those tattoos on everyone’s butts. Like that one with the bubbles or the other guy with the hourglass, what’s the deal?

--Oh, you mean the cutie marks? You’ve nev-

“Snrk-nkr.” My barely suppressed snort of laughter somehow found a way to overcome Silver’s body, immediately followed by an intense frown and narrowing of the eyes. I think some nearby ponies looked at him as if he was acting weird or something. Gee, I’d wonder why.

--What? What’s so funny?

Damnit.

-Uh, nothing. I think that name is a perfectly acceptable choice for such a fad, and doesn’t sound gay at all.

I’m not quite sure he believed my statement, for some reason.

--Oh, please, I you’re dripping with so much sarcasm I can basically taste it. Or maybe it’s just that dumb ketchup. Yuck. Wait… What do you mean by ‘fad’?

-Well what else would you call an entire town deciding to apply random whimsical pictures to their rumps? I mean come on, it’s not like these things just magically appear… out of… nowhere…

If the cruel gods who had put me in this situation had decided to grant me one wish at that moment, one measly favor to ease my misery, I would have asked for just one of my hands in order to perform the most epic facepalm of my life.

Of course they magically appeared out of nowhere. Why did I expect this world to make any kind of sense?

- …I walked right into that one, didn’t I?

--Uh, maybe. For your information, cutie marks are the representation of our special talents, the thing we are most skilled at doing and that we enjoy the most. They ‘appear out of nowhere’ whenever we find what that talent is. They basically tell you the thing you’re most likely to make a successful, enjoyable career out of. A mark of your true calling, if you will.

-Wait, hold on, just give me a moment to fully comprehend the situation: I’m getting lectured on magical butt destiny tattoos by a talking pony whose body somehow hosts my disembodied consciousness, while eating ketchup-smeared fried hay. This is a thing that is happening. This is my reality at this moment in time. This… oh god just give me a minute, please.

--I kno-

-Ut-tut-tut!

--But-

-Epp! No talking. J-Just eat and don’t think about anything.

He sighed deeply, which was something I also needed to do, and resigned himself to listen to me. Too bad his way of ‘not thinking about anything’ was really more along the lines of ‘staring at the bottle of ketchup and repeating ‘ketchup, ketchup, ketchup’ over and over in his head’. Well at least it was easy enough to tune out after a while.

So yeah. It turns out sharing a brain with a magical talking pony and getting to visit his magical pony world as a helpless voice in his head hitching a ride on his senses was above my acceptable threshold of ‘surreal’. Good to know, I guessed. Too bad this knowledge didn’t help in any way whatsoever.

-So… I finally said after a while, Does that mean you have one too?

--I have what too? Oh, you mean my cutie mark?

His gaze finally left the bottle to suddenly swivel around and downward, settling on his rear-end’s side. Guh! I hated when he did that without warning! It was so disorienting, as if someone had stuck a handle to my head and used it to jerk it around at unexpected times. Feeling all the muscles and bones move around inside the skin was unbelievably freaky too, one of the many things you usually don’t notice when in direct control of your own movements.

Anyway, I brought my attention back to the matter at hand: looking at a grey curl on the brown backdrop of a pony’s flank. Also, trying to ignore the intense feeling that I was looking at my own body. Because I wasn’t, despite what my brain -who wasn’t mine either, actually- was trying to tell me.

-What is that even supposed to be? Also, you can stop looking at your own butt now.

--I’m not looking at my butt! I’m looking at my cutie mark! It’s a silver spring.

-Wait, isn’t that your name? Why does it match your name?

--I don’t know! It just happens this way sometimes.

-Oh, so these other customers aren’t named Bubbles, Hourglass, Flower, Flower and Flower?

--Well of course not! That would be ridiculous!

-Yeah, because this world definitely has an upper limit of that.

Oh, eye roll, how I wished I could initiate you myself. Still, the act was fitting to my own mood. At least Silver Spring had finally taken his eyes off his own behind to concentrate on scooping up the last of the ketchup with the thankfully final fry. He wiped the hoof with a napkin and got to our hooves, plate held tightly in mouth to drop it at the counter.

-So what kind of talent is a ‘silver spring’ supposed to be? You’re amazingly good at going ‘Boing boing’ and objects thrown at your head are likely to bounce away? You excel at supporting mattresses? You can be used as improvised ammunition against werewolves? You’re stretchy?

--None of that makes any sense!

We walked out of the building, once again finding ourself on the sunlit street and in the midst of a sea of colorful equines. We headed back the way we came, apparently going back to work.

-Yeah, well, nonsensical seems to be the word of the day, so I wouldn’t really find any of these inconceivable at this point. Why not just tell me what it means?

--I… don’t actually… I’m not actually sure what it means, really. It’s either about being a good jumper, or an affinity for tinkering.

-Didn’t you just say you got it when you found out your true calling? How can you not know what it means? Weren’t you there when it happened?

--I… that… it’s complicated, okay? I don’t want to talk to you about it!

A bright image found itself superimposed on my vision, some dark shape in a luminous sky, a feeling of falling coming with it. Then, in a flash, it was gone as fast as it had come, replaced with the familiar sight of the cobbled street and a faint feeling of embarrassed frustration lingering on my mind.

-What was that?

--Nothing! Stop looking at my memories! Shut up!

-Why are you so defensive all of a sudden? What did I do?

The anger swelled up a little more, Silver’s steps pounding a little heavier on the ground.

--It’s personal, and it’s none of your business! LA LA LA LA LA, PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS!

-Hey ! What’s your deal?

I could barely hear myself over the sound of his mental wailing, and somehow I figured that even if he could hear me, he wasn’t exactly in the mood to answer anymore. He was obviously avoiding a touchy subject in a ridiculously exaggerated way, though I couldn’t really imagine why. Still, despite having literally misplaced my brain, I could take a hint once in a while. Might as well change the subject.

-So, earlier today you mentioned princesses…

-- PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS!

-… God damn pumpkins.

-So, are you freaking done now?

--Are you done invading my privacy?

-I can’t really help it when I’m inside your stupid head, now can I?

Standing in the shadow of the Straight Edge architects firm provided relief from the heat of the sun, while conversing with Silver Spring provided relief from having the word ‘pumpkin’ screamed into my head every two seconds. Both of those were a bonus, though the latter definitely incited more gratitude on my part.

-Look, I can’t exactly decide what you think about, so next time you don’t want me to see something, just give me a sign or whatever and I’ll do my best to distract you with some random bullshit, alright?

We shifted on our hooves uncomfortably, the memory of the behavior displayed the last time we were in the building still fresh in his mind.

--I hope I didn’t look too crazy back there. I don’t want her to think I’m crazy or something, that would be awful! I wonder if it’s obvious that something’s wrong today? …Wait, what do you mean bullsh- I mean CRA- I mean POOP! What do you mean bullpoop? Did I step in something? Stop saying bad words in my head already!

-God, you’re such a wimp about profanity! Okay, just think of some kind of codeword or something and the next time your mind goes someplace you don’t want me to see, just think that word very hard and I’ll do my best to derail your train of thought. I’m pretty sure that if there’s one thing I can do up in here, it’s that. Shouldn’t be too hard, actually…

His posture straightened out a bit, and I suddenly felt insulted.

--Excuse me! I’m not a little foal! I’m not so easily distracted by whatever shiny-

-GALACTORRHEA is the SPONTANEOUS FLOW of MILK from the BREAST, UNNASSOCIATED with CHILDREN or NURSING! It is reported to occur in FIVE TO THIRTY percent of WOMEN, and can ALSO occur in MALES, newborn INFANTS and ADO-

“AAugh stop that!” Silver dropped to the ground, clutching his ears as if it could change anything. I had made my point, though.

-You were saying?

--You are so very disgusting! I literally just ate, you jerk! Where did you even get that from?

-I was really, really bored in college one day, you know how it goes…

--Uh, no?!?

“Are you okay?”

The unknown pony’s voice startled Silver Spring, drawing a short gasp from us as we looked up at the sudden sound. Some tan stallion loomed over us, looking slightly worried as he held out a leg in a ‘let me help you up’ position. Silver took the offered hoof and got back to a standing posture.

--You just made me act weird again! Stop making me look like a lunatic!

-It’s not my fault all your buttons are so easy to push, and that all of them are wired to explosives.

“Thank you,” he stammered, “I, uh, thought I heard a bee buzzing around my head and I… panicked a bit. I’m fine though.” The familiar tug of a fake-as-hell smile stretched our lips as Silver began hastily dusting us off. After a few seconds of looking at us suspiciously, the pony eventually shrugged and went on his way.

The three steps leading to the front door were made short work of, Silver pausing once again in front of it to attempt to make himself look presentable before entering.

-So, what’s the codeword?

--The what?

-The codeword I suggested using to make me distract you just before distracting you after you said you were not so easy to distract. The way to make me know you want to change the subject inside your own head.

--Oh, uh, let me think about it, maybe?

The door swung open in much the same way as it had done a few hours ago, in a perfectly unnoticeable fashion. Lemony was still sitting at her desk, still shuffling papers and still as yellow as a truckload of bananas. She did have a pen in her mouth, though, which bobbed around a little when she looked up to greet Silver Spring.

“Hey, you’re back. Feeling better?”

“I guess so. At least I’m not hungry anymore.”

--I better be feeling better. I wouldn’t want to act weird again in front of my boss, now would I?

-Threats will get you nowhere, buddy. Besides, you’re the one who’s constantly freaking out, remember?

With a good old eyeroll, he sat back at his table, jumping right back in his work. Good lord, I had almost forgotten how boring it was. Ten minutes passed. I didn’t want to even think about the next few tedious hours we’d be spending here, filling papers with such huge quantities of trivial, boring crap that we’d end up running out of space in the margins and have to resort to using additional blank pages. Again. Fifteen minutes. And while being stuck in here with no choice but to listen to my host ranting about everything that was wrong with ice cream-themed bridges -besides the fact that they were bridges specifically designed to have an ice cream theme- was highly educative, I had to frankly admit that a crash course in architectural engineering was pretty low on my list of priorities at the time.

Oh, well… not like I had a choice. Not like I’d had a choice about anything since waking up that morning, actually. I’d just have to endure it as best I could, and wait for the end of Silver’s boring work day.

“Huh, I guess I’m done.”

-What?

“Wait, really?”

My brown pony host shrugged in a baffled way, double-checking his work.

--That one is covered, those five pages go with this one, I must have skipped a few points about this one because I clearly remember having more than four pages of bullet-point faults written down for the next bridge, oh there they are. Just… put everything back in order, aaaannnnd…

“Yes, I’m actually done with this. I’m not sure how, but I’m pretty certain I’ve pointed out every single way none of these designs would ever have worked.”

The yellow pegasus looked at us with a single raised eyebrow, seeming to expect some kind of ‘aha, gotcha!’ moment, but Silver Spring was a bit busy stuffing his work into neatly-ordered folders to be delivered to the mayor’s office.

“And you did all that in just about four hours?”

--Whaaaat?

He looked at the clock on the wall, showing that it indeed indicated the time as being very nearly one in the afternoon.

“I… guess I did, huh.” He got up and walked up to Lemony’s desk with the stack of paper and plans in our mouth. “So,” he said while cleanly spitting out the folders, “what else do I need to do now?”

-How did you do that without getting spittle all over the things? Am I the only one who finds that weird?

“Actually,” the mare began, “I think you’d better take the rest of the day off. You’ve been acting a bit strange today and I think an early start to your weekend would be good for you.”

“Wow, really?”

-Nah, she’s obviously testing your loyalty to find a reason to fire you.

“Yeah, unless you want to talk about whatever’s got you so agitated, I don’t really need you here for anything else right now. Besides, I think you deserve it after going through this.” She gestured to the folders on her desk, one of which had a piece of blueprint sticking out with the words ‘Important: chocolate’ written on it. “I’ll handle Signed Scroll whenever he comes back for those.”

-Plus it gives her a good excuse to cut a few hours out of your pay.

“Thanks Lemony, you’re the best!”

--Just shut up and enjoy it.

Silver rushed back to his desk to pack his things, joy filling his mind. Huh, that was a first in here. Being happy, I mean. For once the whole ‘being stuck sharing a mind’ thing was kinda pleasant, his joy at going home early mingling with my relief at the thought of not spending a second more in this office. Both good feelings amplifying each other into some kind of euphoria. Silver started giggling a little as he enthusiastically threw his bags onto his back once more, the sudden impact knocking a little bit of air out of our lungs.

He sauntered over to the exit, some kind of happy little prance that was quite fun to perform, before turning to Lemony to ask one last time if she was really sure he could go. She only answered by waving us off with an exasperated little grunt. I had time to notice her roll her eyes before Silver shut the door and took off on the road after thanking her again and saying goodbye.

--Woo, I get to leave early! I get to leave early!

His little happy, hopping saunter wove through the diminished crowd of the afternoon, heading back the way we had come that morning. I strangely didn’t mind literally prancing around like some giggling horse, as at that moment I was more preoccupied with savoring the intense joy filling my mind. Finally some good feeling today.

-Okay, I gotta admit your boss is pretty cool.

--I know, right? Isn’t she wonderful? She’s smart and kind, and generous, and intelligent, and a genius in her field, and-

-And those flanks of hers, hmm, so hot!

Hooves fumbled around, tripping all over themselves as the feeling of euphoria was instantly replaced by horror and confusion. We fell to the ground as a sudden spasm rocked the body in a walk’s equivalent to the spit-take.

--What?

-WHAAT?!?

--What did you just say?

-Oh god, what did I just say?

--You just said th-

-I KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID! Oh my fucking god why did I just say that?

--Because it’s true?

-No it’s not! She’s a pony! I’m not attracted to fucking ponies! I… YOU!

--What, me?

-Oh my god, oh my fucking god! YOU! You have a crush on your boss?

--What? Noooo…

-YOU CAN’T LIE TO ME YOU IDIOT! I’m inside your fucking head! I feel those butterflies in your stomach when you think about her, how your heart beats faster when you’re near her, how you’d like to… to… AAAAAUUGH!

--Hey those are private thoughts! You better stay away from those!

-There’s literally nothing I’d like more right now, but her wings are so sexy! OH GOD I JUST DID IT AGAIN! Please think of something else please think of something else please think of something else I think I’m going to be sick! AAAAAHHHHH!

--Hey it’s my body, I’m going to be sick! And if I am, it’s going to be because of your stupid ketchup! And stop screaming!

-You take that back! Ketchup is awesome! It was good enough to hide the awful taste of those stupid disgusting fries!

--Oh good we changed the subject.

The horrible maelstrom of horror, shame, anger and attraction-to-Lemony slowly abated in our minds, Silver doing his best to keep the subject changed by once again repeating ‘pumpkins’ in his head over and over. For once, I thoroughly welcomed these awesome fruits. That hadn’t been just happiness we’d felt earlier, it was also in part infatuation. Silver had a crush on his pegasus boss, it had seeped into me, and I hadn’t even noticed. What I’d thought to be mere gratitude had actually been at least partially love. That wasn’t supposed to happen! I should never have felt that! I didn’t even know that damn pony! That crush was something that Silver Spring felt, not me! We were definitely way too close to each other. What else did he make me feel against my will? What did I do to him without either of us noticing? How was I supposed to preserve my individuality if stuff like that could happen?

-I need to get out of your head as soon as possible. This whole thing is starting to freak me out on a very, very deep level.

--I agree. You need to leave. This just can’t go on anymore.

He stood back up, only then noticing the small crowd he had attracted, one member of which had been trying to get his attention for at least a few seconds now.

“I’m fine, I’m fine! I just tripped!” He dismissed the pink-ish purple pony as he weaved through the crowd, trotting away as fast as he could without breaking into a full gallop. In just a few minutes, his home was once more in view. The door was quickly opened, closed and leaned against, a long tired sigh escaping his lips.

-Oh. Safety. That feels good.

--Yes, now if you make me make a fool of myself, at least I won’t be doing it in public.

He dropped his bags at the same spot he’d picked them up that morning, moving next to his fridge to have a drink of milk.

--Now we really need to think of something to get you out of here.

-Isn’t there someone you can ask for help? Some sort of expert on weird things?

--Not that I can think of off the top of my head. I’ll have to think about it some more and… oh.

A strange feeling was now making itself known, gradually rising in intensity. I had felt fleeting moments of it throughout the day, with never quite enough presence to be worth mentioning. This time, though, was pretty much undeniable, and extremely unwanted.

-Oh no. Is that what I think it is?

--I think so. I think I-

-Oh god no.

--I need-

-Oh no no no no no!

--But I need to-

-Don’t say it! If you don’t say it we don’t have to do it!

--But I really-

-No! Please no!

--I don’t think we can avoid it!

-No! Anything but that!

Heat flared up in his cheeks, what I could see of his face in his peripheral vision turning bright red as awkward embarrassment flooded both of our minds. I countered by supplying a healthy dose of pure, unadulterated dread. But even the strongest of wills could not have escaped the inevitable outcome drawing upon us.

--I need to use the toilet!

- OH NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Author's Note

Woo! I'm finally a little bit less of a lazy bum! Told you it wouldn't take six months this time!
Also, I added some kind of chapter naming theme. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up before the pattern becomes unsustainable, but whatever.

P.S. I love comments. Just sayin'.

Chapter six completely wasted hours

Chapter 6

*flush*

We stepped out of the bathroom, closed the door behind us, and slumped against it.

Welp, that was super-awkward for everyone involved.

-I can’t believe this just seriously happened.

--I feel like an exhibitionist.

-Well I feel molested.

Silver rubbed a hoof across his still-lobster-red face and looked at the time.

-Oh my god that took forty-five minutes?

--It’s really hard to concentrate with somepony watching me! I just get nervous, it’s not my fault!

-Boy, I sure am glad I’m not actually a pony; we’d have been there for hours!

--You know what I meant. It was even worse than having someone staring at me the whole time.

-Yeah, I never want to have to live this again. There has to be someone you can ask for help! You already have unicorns and all that fairy-tale stuff, there has to be an old wizard in a tower or something who can fix this!

--Why yes of course! I’ll just go and have a chat with Starswirl the Bearded, because every town in Equestria has been assigned a mystical problem-solving sage years ago as part of the anti-weird stuff initiative!

-I get the distinct feeling you’re pulling my leg.

“Well of course I am! What makes you think there’s anyone in Ponyville qualified to handle strange and unusual… problems like those that seem… to… happen… every... other… week. …Right here in Ponyville.”

-Hmmm, I seem to suddenly feel like a goddamn idiot. Could it mayhap have something to do with you, good sir?

--Why didn’t I think of her before?

-Because my charming personality has you mesmerized?

“I don’t even like you!”

-Oh yeah. So who is this pony and how can she help us?

“Twilight Sparkle.”

--Wait for it…

-Wait for what?

--Aren’t you going to mock her name or something?

-Look, if she can get me back home I don’t care about her freaking name. As long as she can fix this she could be called Poopface McSnuggleshaft and I’d still get her portrait tattooed on my heart!

“Uggh, you are so vulgar!”

-All the more reason to do everything you can to get me out of here as fast as possible! Now get up and let’s go meet that Twister Pickle!

--But…

-But what? You had other plans for tonight? You want us to go cuddle next to a good fire and read a book? You’d rather cook us a nice romantic dinner that we could eat by candlelight?

I must say I was glad to feel a reassuring amount of disgust at my own words.

“What are you even talking about? We’re not a couple! Eww!”

-Well, I just lived through what felt like another guy touching me places while simultaneously touching that same guy in the same places. For nearly an hour. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as marriage in some countries.

--I don’t want to hear about your creepy human countries!

-Well then get off your brown hairy butt and do something about me!

Yeah, confidence, annoyance and frustration! He was fed up with me, and he was going to go find a way to fix this! I could feel it! I could feel his teeth grinding and his forelegs twitching, in a way that made me think that if he had hands he’d have been clenching his fists.

“You know what? Fine! I’m going to do it! I’m going to make you go away! I’m getting tired of you, your attitude, and your vulgarity! No one thinks your little jokes are funny! Just shut up forever and let me deal with this!”

He rose to our hooves and marched straight to the door.

-Okay, this… this is kind of awesome.

--Pfft. That ridiculous tree?

-Oh, yeah, of course! The only thing I like about your stupid world is the one thing you hate. What a surprise!

We were standing about twenty feet from a gigantic tree, unnaturally wide for its height, whose trunk was covered with a surreal amount of windows and little birdhouse-like extensions sticking out everywhere. Balconies and platforms stuck out the sides to allow access to stuff like a telescope and even a live, buzzing beehive.

--I don’t hate it, I just don’t like the idea of it.

-It’s a giant tree that is also a house. How can it be anything but awesome? It’s the ultimate treehouse! Every kid’s dream!

--Yes, well, who do you think drew the plans for that house? No one! If this thing ever becomes popular I’ll be out of a job! Also there are bees up there; all the more reason to be vigilant.

-Oh that’s just rich! That’s such a stupid, bullshit… uh, actually legitimate concern. …Huh. Well, not the bees, I mean, but… Wait, since when can you make sense?

--Shut up, I’m an engineer, it’s my job to make sense!

-Yeah, like that whole story this morning about a princess bringing the sun itself down on everyone’s heads. That was wholly credible.

I felt him hesitate for a moment, raising a hoof off the ground.

--Well, I don’t think she actually would, but… anyway, let’s just do this.

-Yeah, get to it.

His hoof came back down as his first step towards the bright red door. He knocked politely once we were standing in front of it, with a little leg motion that felt like sweeping crumbs off of a table.

-Are you sure she’s even going to be there? And what are you even going to tell her?

--Of course she’s going to be there, she’s always here! And I’m just going to tell her that-

A young male voice interrupted his thoughts with the fairly obvious-in-hindsight news that “Forget it, we’re closed! Twilight’s not here!” Because of course. Of course he would say something like that.

Silver Spring responded to the apparently irritated young guy with a sound that would probably be spelled something like “Wdlgluduh”, raising both forelegs in a kind of “oh come on!” position just long enough for me to wonder how that was possible without falling on our face.

“WHAT?” He yelled through the door. “What do you mean, she’s not here? She’s always here! And why would her absence make you close?”

-Dude calm your tits.

The kid let out an audible grunt of frustration before we heard him grumble his way to the door.

-I’m starting to like this kid. He seems way cooler than OH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

The door had opened just wide enough for a weird purple-and-green lizard thing to peek through angrily.

“Look, pal,” The reptile said with the kid’s voice, “Twilight’s not here, okay? She freaked out about an hour ago about a book order from Canterlot being late and took off to go track it down. And surprise surprise, it got here about fifteen minutes after she left. Now guess what? Guess who has to sort and shelf it all? Little old me! And that means I don’t have time for you or whatever you want, and since the lady Booktyrant isn’t here to stop me from closing the place, you can just deal with it!”

And with that, he slammed the door in our face.

-Aw man, why couldn’t I get stuck in his head? He sounds so much more fun than you!

--Could you at least pretend to be serious for a moment?

“Hey, Spike, wait! When is she going to be back?” Silver Spring called out, his eyes apparently trying to bore right through the wick of the candle painted on the door.

“As if I’d even know that!” Came the annoyed reply. “It’s not like she gave me a schedule! She’s probably halfway to Canterlot by now, so I don’t know! Try again tomorrow, we’re open from nine to three on weekends.”

Silver opened his mouth to protest, but simply chose to lean his head on the wall next to the door. For a moment I could hear the little lizard boy doing what I had to assume was some book-related work while cursing under his breath.

Then Silver put a few inches of distance between the wall and his forehead, and brought them back together again.

And again.

--Why. Why. Why. Why. Is. Everything. So. Stupid. And. Annoying. Today? Why. Is. This. Happening. To. Me? I. Hate. This. I. Hate. You. I hate. Every. Fucking. Thing. Ever.

Yep, banging his head on the wall to punctuate every word. That’s how frustrated he was. It was getting pretty annoying, to be honest. And painful, too.

-Okay, now would be a pretty good time to calm down, you jackass.

The good thing is that this made him stop his little drum solo of pain, although it wasn’t hard to guess that the sound of my voice was the very last thing he wanted to hear. Being located inside his mind didn’t really make it a challenge anyways, but still. It wouldn’t have been hard even if I wasn’t in there.

He stepped away from the door to start stomping his way back to his house, his jaw clenched tightly to avoid screaming out loud. Or maybe he was just that angry. I know I was getting really fed up with all of this.

--Calm down? Why would I calm down when the entire world just wants to make me mad? Everything has gone wrong all day and I’m just supposed to be happy about it?

-Oh boo-hoo! How do you think I’m feeling? At least you still have your goddamn body! Do I really have to remind you how your day hasn’t been as bad for you as it’s been for me? You beat the deadline on a big project so hard that it earned you an early weekend, that’s something, right? In the meantime, I only had the immense pleasure of being trapped in the head of a guy who hates me and tells me to be quiet all the time while he goes on with his stupid boring life I couldn’t possibly care less about, when all I have left of myself is my fucking voice! How in the world can your day have been even remotely as bad as mine? Oh poor little pony, all trapped in the horrible TOTAL FREEDOM AND SAFETY he enjoys!

His steps lost their intensity as he slowed down, his rage quickly faltering. He opened his mouth just long enough to say “I” before catching himself and continuing mentally:

--I… Is that really how it feels for you? How I’ve been treating you?

Having all my anger robbed from me in an instant like that was pretty destabilizing, and it took me a second or so to comprehend what had just happened.

-I, uh, I guess? Uh, look, I know I can get pretty annoying when I want, but… I mean, who wouldn’t in my place? Do you even realize how much this sucks for me? I would kill to get back in my own body! I lost an extremely fundamental part of myself, the one thing I was reasonably sure I could rightfully take for granted in my life, and then I hear you whining about stupid shit like that! It’s not fair! You have no right to complain about anything!

I felt his ears flatten on his head, which he kept low to the ground while a feeling of wordless guilt crept up in our minds. Ergh… I shouldn’t have said all that. What was even the point of it if it just made me feel terrible for nothing?

--I don’t… hate you, I just hate the fact that you’re here. You… you’re right, I guess my problems aren’t that horrible when you say it like that. I’m sorry.

-Yeah, I guess I should apologize too for being such an asshole all the time. Besides, it’s just one more day, right? We can survive until then, can’t we?

His posture straightened back up, as did his ears - which was still something that was weird as fuck to feel- and he looked up to see that we were already back at his house. The nice little lawn unevenly trimmed and surrounded by a small fence seemed almost inviting when I saw it, noting a hint of pride about it. Or something. I don’t really understand how one would be proud of a lawn, but anyway.

--Yes, maybe one more day won’t be so atrocious if you behave. Who knows, maybe you’ll go back sometime during the night, just like how you got here?

-Man, that’d be awesome! In the meantime, how about doing something fun? I propose getting absolutely plastered!

His hoof hesitated on the door latch.

--Uh, what?

-You know, getting totally shitfaced?

--Uhhh… eww?

-Wasted?

--Nope, still no clue what you’re trying to say.

-Oh for the love of… DRUNK! Let’s get so drunk you pass out until tomorrow to see if your little theory pans out! If anything, it’ll make the time seem to pass a hell of a lot faster!

--Oh sweet pegasus pinions no! I can only guess about you, but I drink responsibly! And most importantly, I certainly don’t want to even think about trusting a drunk me with you still in here! You’d suggest stupid things and I wouldn’t have the common sense to tell you no! Can you imagine the chaos?

-Ugh if I had to be stuck in someone duller than you I’d be in a freaking rubber knife! And even then the knife would be useful for some funny pranks at least!

He rolled his eyes and entered the house. The comfortingly familiar mess of the main room greeted us once more as Silver paced around the place without any particular goal in mind.

--Well excuse me for not obeying the alien voice in my head telling me to go incapacitate myself for “fun”. No matter how you twist it it still sounds like a recipe for disaster.

-But the fuuuun…

--Oh stop whining will you? I don’t want to go out there right now just to give ponies more reasons to think I’m insane! I’m not blind you know, I know how odd I’ve been acting all day. So I’m just going to sit here, lay low, and wait for tomorrow.

And with that, his butt hit the floor on the spot and he crossed his arms. Trying once again to ignore how a pony’s legs could ever work like that, I noticed I could see the wall-mounted clock from our position.

-You do realize it’s like three in the afternoon, right? It’s going to be a looong while to wait.

He deflated, lowering our torso back to the ground with a sound halfway between a sigh and a groan.

--Ugh, you’re right, I can’t just sit here! I should probably go clean up the mess in my room and… stuff. I’m definitely not used to getting home so early on Fridays.

He got back up, making his way up the stairs after grabbing a broom from a closet. Oh goody, I’d soon get to know how one can sweep floors without hands with which to hold tools. Yay. Before we could get to that, though, the wall caught his attention. He raised a hoof to feel the small dents left in the wood.

--Did I… really leap and bounce on the wall this morning?

-I guess so. I didn’t pay much attention to the wall-jumps in the middle of all the yelling and being-a-pony. What, so you don’t normally do this?

--Of course not! That would be completely insane!

-Yes and you’ve already proven without a doubt that you are an exceptionally stable individual.

--I would be perfectly calm if you weren’t here and you know it!

-Enh, fair enough.

He decided to stop lingering in the staircase and actually do what he had set out to do. It was then that I noticed that walking up stairs was a much bigger difference for ponies when compared to normal walking. Since their normal stride kept their hooves much closer to the ground than a human would, climbing the relatively steep incline of a set of stairs required a noticeably different set of motions; much like going from walking to climbing a ladder for humans.

-How do ponies climb ladders, actually?

“Waddajshu ewwen dakgging abawd?”

--What are you even talking about?

Even though the words had been slurred beyond recognition by the broom held in our mouth, the thoughts themselves were perfectly clear. Oh yeah, some other weird stuff I had only subconsciously noticed until now: every time he spoke out loud created an echo, where I’d hear the thoughts he was speaking juuust before the ears actually heard them. I’d have been more thrilled by these little discoveries if I had actually wanted any of this in the first place.

-Why are you still talking to me out loud?

--I don’t know! Sometimes I slip, I guess!

The bedroom was a mess: the upturned furniture, the pieces of broken mirror littering a corner, the sheets lying just about everywhere except the bed. I felt bad for that, considering it had all been indirectly caused by me. I probably would have offered to help if I had been here in person, but I guess being literally puppet-ed into doing it anyway was more or less the same.

Sweeping the floor with teeth clenched around a broom and arms only useful for direction proved to be only one more occasion to miss my hands dearly. Righting a dresser with what amounted to boxing gloves in terms of dexterity was another, and making a bed with my mouth made me seriously question why ponies would even bother with civilization when even its most basic tasks made anything but hands feel so depressingly inadequate.

But hey, at least it was done.

-So what else are we going to do until tomorrow? I’m getting pretty bored and depressed now.

--I don’t know, maybe I could show you around my workshop?

-You have a workshop?

--Well, yes. I think I told you I’m good at tinkering with machines, right?

I noticed he had taken a habit of standing perfectly still while we were having conversations like that, the broom currently leaning against the base of his neck. I guessed he didn’t want to be distracted by my unease whenever his body moved. Fine by me, actually.

-Yeah, and that you’re an engineer.

--I have this shed in the backyard where I just make all sorts of contraptions in my free time, it’s really entertaining!

There was a faint sense of excitement slowly creeping up, something I should have known was a bad sign, something I should have been wary of, but at the time I had no clue.

That awkward feeling of being told in great detail about something you just don’t care for, by someone extremely passionate about it, and being too polite to just up and say that you don’t really give a shit? It’s even worse being on both sides of the scenario at once. If only I had known of the following hours, I’d have insisted for the booze, to go take a walk, or just about anything that would have helped me avoid the consequences of saying:

-Sure, let’s go check it out, I guess. It’s not like we either have anything better to do, or that I have a choice anyway.

Hey, Past Dave? Sometimes you should learn to shut the fuck up.

Author's Note

Urgh bad chapter is bad chapter.
One day I'll write a chapter that doesn't feel like a disjointed mess to me. ~~And one day my big, fat clumsy fingers will stop hitting fifteen keys at once while I'm trying to type the author's notes.~~

Also, something I've been meaning to ask: When this first got featured after chapter 4, I distinctly remember seeing on the sidebar thingy that someone had put it in the "the good HiE list" group, but by the time I got around to posting ch5 it had been removed. Anyone know what's up with that? I'm just wondering if I might have unwittingly caused drama somewhere...

On a random note, I thought about making Dave say "Twisted Spectrum" instead of twister pickle, but I felt it would have been a truly pointless reference.

Anyway.

P.S. I've been binging on Slenderman videos. Gimme ~~20 dollars~~ comments or he'll get you.

Chapter seven times the lethal dose of bullsh... I mean boredom

Chapter 7

I have to hand it to the man… pony… guy… whatever, his skill with machinery is impressive. I mean, not just anyone could simply up and invent a spring-powered toy helicopter! Yes, spring powered. I’m not even sure how it’s possible, although I kinda understand how it works since well, being in his head does wonder for learning things from him. There’s a bunch of interlocking springs in a bunch of complicated technical positions, all linked to one big spring tied to a little nub sticking out of the side, and then you just pull or press it or just give it a little flick and the way it tries to return to its original position and shape makes a big crazy chain reaction that produces enough power to lift the machine up for a few seconds.

I never even knew something like that could be possible, and I was actually pretty sure it shouldn’t have been, but the way he explained it somehow made a lot of sense. He told me that there were a bunch of little magnets at key locations and that…

Uh, I digress, actually.

So, yeah. He did show me his workshop, which was almost as big as his house, and filled with the most amazing doohickeys ever. And I do mean filled; despite being about the same size as his house, the workshop was absolutely cramped. Half-finished machines and metal parts lined every wall and most of the floor. He had prototypes of a bunch of stuff like vice-grip-things that you could use with your mouth for precision work, little straps with clamps to attach various tools to hooves, and even a semi-automatic portable back-scratcher! That thing was awesome! Silver did say it had a tendency to flip out and just painfully fold around the user because of all the springs, but when I convinced him to try it out it worked just fine. Through the frankly surprising amount of bliss coming from having a monstrous spring-loaded metal snake gently scratching our back, he half-heartedly assured me that it usually didn’t work that well.

Then it dawned on him that it might have had something to do with the single little screw he had adjusted before trying the machine. And then, looking around the place, at the countless projects lying around everywhere… a brainsplosion of inspiration is how I’d describe what happened next. He spent the next several… I don’t know exactly how much time he went all over the place, fixing a bunch of obvious flaws in many of his things. They mainly had to do with the sheer amount of unnecessary springs everywhere.

The guy had an unhealthy obsession with springs, is what I’m saying.

Somehow his enthusiasm for his craft won out over the total absence of fucks I had to give, and I began actually enjoying the tinkering. I even managed to suggest ways to improve his designs; apparently a second opinion really helps that kind of thing. Or maybe it was just plain old common sense.

Seriously, how did he get in his head that springs are a necessary component of hammers?

It was only when we ran back to the house to check the time in order to set his spring-powered clock that we realized we had just spent the past five or so hours in there. And that hunger had come back to gnaw at us.

It was probably time to call it a night. We argued for a bit before settling on a satisfyingly neutral salad; he didn’t want anything too heavy or complicated, and I really wanted something that I could at least consider normal food.

So we ate, and it was pretty good, I guess.

After a short quiet moment with the toothbrush –affixed to the wall, by the way-, it was time for bed. To be honest we both knew, even without so much as a thought about it, that it was going to be hard. This wasn’t just sharing a room with an almost-complete stranger, this wasn’t even sharing a bed with said stranger; the situation involved a much more invasive intimacy than what the previous part of this sentence probably evoked for countless dirty minds.

We were far from looking forward to it.

Getting to relax enough to fall asleep was definitely going to be a challenge, so I promised to shut up for once and to do my best to make him forget my presence. I was just so eager to get a break from all this insanity that I just didn’t really care anymore. Besides, maybe the universe would do me a favor for once and listen to Silver’s hope that I would just go back from whence I came during the night.

So I stayed quiet while he slipped under the covers and made himself comfortable, lying on his side and curling his forelegs up to his chest like some sort of kitten. I’d have made a mocking comment about that if I had been an idiot who had never been taught the concept of “now’s not the time”. Besides, it actually was pretty comfortable.

It took a while to fall asleep, Silver Spring occasionally tossing and turning, unable to shake off the annoying feeling of having someone staring right at you from inside your cherished personal space. It was justified, in a way. Eventually, he moved less and less, his breathing slowed, and the only sound to be heard was the regular tick-tocking of the clock.

That I could still hear. The sound I was still aware of, just like the noise of the few crickets outside, and the quiet whisper of wind around the town. The many sounds I could still notice, just like I felt our chest rising with each slow breath, each one bringing the air that I could still feel rushing in and out of our lungs in a faint snore.

The one thing I couldn’t hear was his voice, his thoughts. All I could perceive inside his mind was some sort of unexplainable, dull tone; the sort of faint buzzing an idle television emits when set to a black screen or something. It also made me imagine a perfectly still ocean, without any wind or waves to cover up the sound of the sheer empty vastness… or something vague and abstract like that.

Oh no. Oh fuck no. You wouldn’t dare fuck with me like that, universe? Would you?

Silver Spring’s body lay motionless in his bed, limp and relaxed; his mind was as empty and quiet as the silent night outside, and I was acutely aware of everything. He was asleep. I was not.

I couldn’t sleep. Just like this morning, when I had first noticed being here minutes before he woke up; he had been sleeping while I was awake and fully conscious. I couldn’t sleep, even while he did. I couldn’t sleep.

At all.

I, of course, reacted to this delightful new revelation with all the calm and collectedness of an entire Zen monastery, the grace and serenity of a flock of pious angels, the stoicism of… oh who am I kidding: I completely flipped my shit.

-I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING SLEEP?!?

My mental screams of unfathomable rage woke Silver up apparently, startling him into a strange series of violent twitchy spasms that he had trouble controlling. I didn’t much care about his possible seizure.

“Nkknevnfuknsleewhaat? What? Aahh! What’s going on? Why are you screaming?”

-AAAAAAHH! AAAHHRG! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

“What are you screaming about? What’s going on? STOP SCREAMING!

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I can’t really say I was in any condition to comply with his demands. The white-hot pulsing rage was all I could comprehend at the moment, and it only seemed to grow more intense by the second.

A foreleg snaked out of the sheets, reached as far to the right as it could, and quickly swung left. The pain was surprisingly powerful when the hoof collided with my face, but only when the leg came back with just as much force and followed the second hit with a change in trajectory to end up with an impromptu meet-up with mister stomach did I stop screaming.

-Oooooww… Did you just hit yourself you moron?

“What in the fu-“

--World is wrong with you? I was sleeping you crazy idiot!

-Well that’s just the fucking thing, ain’t it? I wasn’t!

The three-hit combo I had just received had almost managed to lessen my anger, but the sheer sudden befuddlement I caused with my answer was much more effective. The short moment of silence was put to good use by coughing painfully and gently rubbing a sore face and itchy lips.

--What?

-You were asleep, K.O., fucking lights out and everything; I couldn’t even hear you think anymore! But I was still here! Still awake, still conscious, still aware of everything around here! I can’t even sleep, not even when you do! I… I can’t even fucking sleep. I have nothing left, I can’t do anything! I, I…

I felt warm water trickling down to the bed’s surface. Oh great, I’d gotten him to cry. As if I needed any more sorrow on my distress cake. The lump in his throat was uncomfortable, and his arms wrapped around his body in the usual ‘hold me close, myself’ position that people tend to use when being too emotional for themselves. Why do we do that, anyway?

It still helped, somehow, letting my anger slowly melt into a weird mix of despair and horror at the whole situation. I kept on rambling.

-I lost everything! I don’t have my own body, I don’t have sleep, or my own voice, I don’t have any fucking freedom left anymore! I don’t have anything left! Is this hell? Is this my eternal torment? What did I ever do to deserve this? Am… Am I dead? Do you think I’m dead?

--H-hey now, don’t talk like that, you’re scaring me! We’ll find you a way out of this, okay? We’ll go see Twilight Sparkle tomorrow, and she’ll figure something out I swear. She’s a very smart unicorn and the personal student of the princess for a good reason; if anyone can do something about this it has to be her! Stop talking all that nonsense about being dead, okay? That whole crazy thing about this being your punishment for something is just stupid. Even if you do deserve something like this, what did I do to deserve being involved in it?

-Enh, maybe you’re right, I guess… Could you curl up into a ball a little bit more, please? I’m so fucking scared right now. Yeah, like that, thanks. …What if she can’t help us? What if she doesn’t even believe you about me? What if you’re right and she just sticks us in an institution?

--Uhhh…

He then proceeded to deliver the most feeble reassurances I had ever heard. They still helped, somehow. I guess this emotion feedback we had going made me want to change the mood as much as him, helping me get over it a bit quicker. He stayed curled up in a fetal position for a while, his tail tucked between his legs like a scared dog. That helped too, I guess.

-Oh, eww! Haha! Fuck you brain!

Wow, good job ruining the moment, Dave.

--Uh, what? What just happened, why are you laughing?

-Ehg, it’s nothing important. I’m just being stupid again. I just realized I’m technically literally lying in bed with another dude who’s quietly trying to comfort me. Kinda weird if you take that out of context.

He reeled back in shocked disgust at that, or at least as much as possible for a pony lying on his side.

--Oh, blegh! I told you I’m not that kind of stallion!

-I blame your brain. Mine would never have done that to me.

Well, I could now officially answer the question “Have you ever been bored out of your mind to the point where you could die and not even notice it?” with an honest and resounding “yes”.

Seriously, a second is a long-ass time when you think about it. Like when you have nothing better to do. Or when, for example, you have to sit through several thousands of them in complete darkness, silence and inactivity. If you haven’t been bored enough to envy prisoners in solitary confinement, you haven’t been truly bored. At least they get to decide when to have their muscles twitch. And they don’t have tails to twitch.

Well, where I come from anyway.

Seriously, sleepy unconscious tail twitches are weird. Freakin’ Tails themselves are weird. They’re like a big, clumsy finger stuck to your butt. It’s even worse than it sounds.

Anyway, after our little shouting match was finally over and we had calmed down, Silver got back to trying to sleep while I went back to shutting the hell up. With my initial shock passed, I figured I could at least try to let him rest even if I couldn’t. No point in keeping him awake all night if it just meant we’d both be tired as hell tomorrow. Besides, as SS hypothesized, maybe our states of mind weren’t as perfectly connected as we thought, and I’d just fall asleep on my own at some point.

Yeah, high hopes are great and all, but strangely enough they usually don’t mean shit.

So it was thus that I was stuck in the limp body of a pony for an entire night. I don’t recommend it.

Well, at least now I had enough time and silence to think about… pretty much everything, really.

Like the fact that I was a pony. Or rather, in the body of a pony, if I wanted to waste my time being pedantic. Oh wait, that sounded like a pretty valid way to pass the time, actually!

Yeah, being a pony is pretty weird. Oh sure, after nearly a whole day in here, I was starting to get used to it, but that in itself pretty much freaked me out. There were still odd sensations like the tail thing, or the fact that pretty much the entire surface of the skin felt like a freshly-shaved head; where the slightest contact with anything is amplified by the sudden lack of cushioning and the bristle-like stumps of hair. Overall, though, it’s pretty similar: a big sack of squishy held in and around a bunch of hard sticks, with a balloon inflating inside from time to time. Warm, two eyes, a mouth and some other stuff.

What disturbed me the most about all this was how mostly normal it all seemed now, as if that body had been mine since my birth. These hooves felt perfectly unusual now, so… natural. Eugh. I could barely even remember what having fingers felt like. Hopefully it was because “paying close attention to one’s fingers in order to remember their precise workings and feel” isn’t really a common activity; maybe it’s just expected and normal to forget something you don’t usually notice much. Or maybe it was Silver Spring’s stupid proprioception messing with my mind. Hopefully. Anything but forgetting my humanity. Oh please god don’t let me lose that.

Hopefully I’d be back home before this “feeling like a pony” thing got out of hand. No, I definitely didn’t mean “out of hoof”. That would be doing exactly what I didn’t want to see happen.

Best case scenario: this Twilight chick could solve our problem on the spot as soon as we finished explaining it, and I’d be back home somewhere before noon tomorrow. Worst case? …Forever? Oh shit what if she couldn’t help? What if she just stuffed us in an asylum until the end of Silver’s life?

No no no no no no no I couldn’t even let myself begin to think that. I couldn’t let myself imagine what it’d be like to be stuck in his head forever, just a powerless consciousness stuck complying with everything he’d do, eating only what he decided to, feeling only what he could feel, with no one else to speak to ever again, having to feel his every failure, his every embarrassment, every single one of his wounds as if they were my own but with no hope, no chance and no power to do anything to change or avoid them, like a slave, a slave of that fucking life that didn’t belong to me, a god-damned fucking puppet who could never do anything to decide its own fate, who could never again have any control over anything, who could never again do rather than be subjected to, who could and would only ever receive instead of taking, like being stuck in a fucking hell, a motherfucking limbo of madness and god-awful despair, of helplessness and oh fuck no, please no I’d rather die I’d rather gnaw out my own fucking wrists and kill mys-

Silver Spring farted in his sleep. He shifted a bit on the mattress and scratched his belly with a hoof.

I noticed his brow had been furrowed for a while and that there was a slight tremor in his extremities, but both slowly faded as a smile and short, comforting hiccups took their place.

Wow, good job ruining the moment, Spring.

-Thank you, I imagined myself whispering. He mumbled something that sounded like “Mrrgphhhh” and rubbed his mouth.

Okay, Dave, concentrate. Think of anything but those thoughts. Of course someone would find a way out of this mess. This world had been explicitly stated to have magic. Anything was possible, and none of it was strictly bound to the rule of having to make sense.

I just had to wait it out until the next day.

Tick. Three-hundred and forty-five.

Tock. Three-hundred and forty-six.

Tick. Three-hundred and forty-seven.

Tock. Three-hundred and forty-eight.

A sudden itch on my side. Something’s happening? Right foreleg deployed, itch scratched successfully, roll onto opposite side. Tail swishing back and forth and back again in minimal annoyance. Tail settled back down. No more movement.

Tick. Uh… damnit. That was like the fifth time I lost count! Urgh!

Tock. Ugh, one.

Tick. Two.

Tick. One thousand and seventy.

Tock. One thousand and seventy-one.

Tick. One thousand and seventy-two

Tock. One thouBIG RED BLOTCH! What the hell was that thing? I could have sworn I had seen a weird flash of red just then!

And there it was again; slowly drifting into focus, inside my mind it seemed, was a big red fuzzy blob of color. It was getting more defined as time went on, tick tock tick tock and I had lost count again by the way damnit, a big red stain in my eyes.

What the hell was that thing? And why was I seeing an apple –oh yeah it was an apple- when Silver had his eyes closed?

Was he… dreaming?

A screeching hairless monkey burst out of the apple, wriggling its maggot-like lower half while flailing about on the ground. The ravaged apple followed it soon after when the pony to whom it served as a head collapsed, apparently dead.

Oh yeah, this was definitely a dream.

-Should I feel… insulted here or what?

Silver Spring took off running when the entire world shook, more and more apple-headed ponies falling around him as the monkey parasites in their heads popped out one after the other. It was pretty disgusting. And disturbing. He ran for a time, during which I felt his legs twitch in the real world and also noticed that I was seeing him in third person view somehow. Apparently he dreamed of himself as an outside observer or something.

It seemed to go on forever, me watching him dream about him watching himself running, his physical mouth muttering things like “No” and weak whimpers.

But then, in the crowd of fruithead ponies appeared a really weird one, one I hadn’t ever seen before; a tall dark blue one with both wings and a horn.

-Dafuq?

Yeah, not one of my brightest moments, I guess. I blame being technically asleep at the time.

The mare… wait how did I even know that thing was female in the first place? Stupid brain fucking with me again apparently…

Anyway, the mare looked around for a bit while the whole dreamworld shook again, quickly spotting Silver Spring among the head-popping crowd. She spread her wings and took off, soaring over the completely nondescript not-ponies to land right in front of Silver. He literally yelped when he saw her, with a little spasm in the real world and everything.

“Aehffah uudiaah eehhenfds!” she called out to him.

-What.

Silver looked nervously around as his dream shook again, a quiet panic filtering through his brain and up to me. What did she want? What had she just said and why couldn’t I understand her? Who was that chick?

Silver answered something in the same garbled garbage language while keeping his eyes glued to the floor, making her frown. She asked another question, to which Silver vigorously shook his head while clumsily assuring the blue freak of something negative. He seemed extremely nervous both in the dream and in reality, breaking into a cold sweat and breathing a bit faster. She seemed unconvinced.

She crouched lower to the ground to get closer to Spring’s level, seriously she was tall, and repeated her question. Or maybe it was a different one, I don’t know, it was all gibberish. Anyway, she asked again while pointing towards one corner of the room.

Oh hey they were in a room now. Dream logic at work, apparently. So both me and Silver followed her pointing hoof to see a huge gorilla in a cage.

-Okay, I’d really like to understand at least a word of what’s going on!

The gorilla angrily grabbed the bars of his cage and shook the entire world, making monkey noises for a while.

The tall blue horse eyed Silver suspiciously, while he proceeded to stress just a bit more.

She sat next to him, draping a wing over his back, and asked him something else in a soothing voice. When he got around to answering, he was suddenly in the cage instead of the gorilla, and wearing a monkey costume for some reason. Oh well, since apparently no one could hear me, I didn’t even wait for him to finish his hesitantly defensive nonsense before speaking my mind.

-Dreams are bullshit when you’re awake through them!

The room rattled along with everything inside when another stupid earthquake rocked the place. Silver fell to the ground of the cage since he was now stuck in a straightjacket over his monkey costume, because dreams seem to be fueled exclusively by random nonsense. The tall blue horse that I had just noticed had the moon on her butt simply stood her ground, squinting in apparent suspicion. She flapped her wings to distance herself from the ground before her horn glowed brightly.

Cracks in what seemed to be reality itself spread from Moonbutt’s horn, shattering everything into thousands of shards floating in a white void. The shards slowly vanished while Silver began to fall, screaming as he plummeted in the empty white space. The rush of adrenaline was cut short when the blue moon horse used her magic horn to give him wings somehow. A really nice feeling of elation filled us as he began to fly around the place like a kid in a candy store, but the moon pony kept squinting at the whole bunch of nothing around her. She moved a little, inspecting the empty with her scrutinizing eyeballs, as if she was seeing something that wasn’t there. She muttered a question to the white void, apparently waiting for some sort of answer. Her hooves thunked against the edge of existence or something, and she moved her face even closer before repeating her question and looking all around in front of her. What in the world was she looking for? How was she still there when Silver wasn’t paying any attention to her?

-Wait…

Her ears perked up when the invisible surface under her hooves shook a little, and she started shouting questions around her, a puzzled frown on her face. Was she… aware of my presence?

-Hey! Can you hear me?

Her eyes widened and her shouts became more insistent, her search for… me, maybe, grew more frantic, and the dream shook even more.

-Yeah, you, blue pony thing! Who are you?

The white void rocked more and more, growing darker by the second, the rumbling becoming audible as a wind blew her mane everywhere.

-Can you hear me? Can you help me get out of here? Hey! Where are you going?

She was being dragged away by the wind, fading into the darkness of her surroundings while she tried to shout something over the deafening rumble of a groan from Silver Spring, who suddenly cracked an eye open.

“Hrrrrmmmwaddoyouwant? Iwazzavingannicedream…”

-Uh… nothing. Go back to sleep, maybe?

He rolled over onto his other side and immediately fell back asleep, the brief glimpse of moonlight on the wall I had seen when he had opened his eye replaced once more by the pure darkness of his closed eyelids.

…

Tick. One.

Tock. Two.

Urgh… Back to being bored, I guess… Three.

Tock. Four…

Author's Note

OH BOY FOR SOMEONE WHO ONLY SLEEPS LIKE FIVE HOURS A DAY I SURE AM PRODUCTIVE WITH ALL THAT TIME I HAVE ON MY HANDS

Super non-canon hyper self-indulgent power-trippy Christmas special stupid chapter

A peculiar man sits by the fire in a cozy room. Festive decorations hang everywhere around him, and a small table next to his luxurious chair holds a small plate on which sits a strange click-clicking cookie, next to a glass of what smells like gasoline.

Before paying attention to the man, who seems to be busy drumming his fingers in mid-air as if typing something on an imaginary keyboard, let us further observe his surroundings.

Across the fireplace from the man can be seen an enormous tree, apparently made of pure gold in its entirety. Under the conifer are two small presents. The room has neither windows nor doors, and the ground is covered in artificial snow.

“Now that the stage is properly set,” says the man, “It’s about time to introduce myself!”

The man stops his mid-air fidgeting to hold out his arms, allowing the audience a good view of himself. He wears a well-fitted tuxedo around his moderately overweight frame, as well as white gloves for extra refinement. A long, red scarf hangs loosely around his neck and over the tuxedo, in a baffling display of poor fashion. Although the faux-pas would certainly make a certain unicorn cringe, it is the least noticeable detail of the man’s upper body as his head is nothing but a grinning human skull engulfed in bright flames. As a final touch, a classy top hat sits strangely safely atop his continuously combusting caput.

“Welcome all,” the burning man exclaims as he stands up. “I am the author of this silly little story, and I hope you’ll forgive me for pulling that kind of crap on you on this special day.”

The author bows respectfully to the readers.

“It’s just that,” the man continues as he proceeds to pace around the room, “as I know some of you may be getting rightfully frustrated by my lack of progress on this story, I decided to at least do this little thing here to maybe at least entertain you for a while.”

“Also,” the man rambles on, “I must honestly admit that I am disappointed as well about my work ethics. Yes, I should be able to post more words more often, and I can only hope to ever be able to put out thousands of words per day. But let’s face it, it probably ain’t gonna happen. In the meantime, I’ve heard somewhere that it helps creativity to just drop everything and go do something silly for a while. So that’s what I’m hoping to do here; drop the serious business I feel I need to do in favor of something silly and fun that I want to do.”

“But don’t worry,” the man says as he stops a few steps from the middle of the room, somehow grinning wide despite his total lack of lips. “I plan to at least try to make this entertaining for you guys as well! And for that purpose, let me introduce two very special guests: Silver Spring and Dave Smith!”

The man snaps his gloved fingers as he says those words, causing the fireplace to suddenly belch out a lightly smoking pony. The small brown horse lands face-first in the fake snow with enough momentum to slide all the way to the man’s feet, accumulating a small mound of white plastic flecks around and over his muzzle. Gentle wisps of smoke trail after him.

“Hi there, you two!”

The pony opens his eyes with a grunt, revealing them to be spinning wildly in the universal cartoon symbol of being dizzy.

“Whu… wha, what?” The pony asks as his vision stabilizes while he climbs to his hooves. He suddenly jumps to a standing position, craning his neck every which way as he takes in his surroundings in a growing panic. “What’s going on? Where am I?”

“Who-WHAT ARE YOU?” the pony screams as he finally notices me standing next to him. Also screw third person, it’s getting annoying. “Are humans usually on fire?” he adds, probably addressing the hairless monkey in his head.

“Hello, Silver, I’m Destrustor and I am your maker.” I helpfully and not-at-all-intimidatingly offer. “Also; hi Dave!”

The four-foot-tall pony scampers backwards away from me, only stopping once his rear hits the wall that I helpfully dragged closer while no one was looking. Can’t have him backpedalling too far away, right?

“Wha-wha-what do you mean? Who are you?” He asks, apparently trying to push himself straight through the wall.

As I said, …I mean “As I said, I’m your maker: I’m the author of this story. I’m the idiot who decided that putting this asshole,” I point at his own head, “into your head would make for an interesting story.”

“Whu-wha-“ he stammers.

“You are both fictional characters that I created,” I interrupt him with. “We are currently in the insane realm of my imagination, and a few hundred people are currently reading these words I speak right now. They’re also reading this sentence. Oh and they’ve also read everything that happened to both of you since Dave got in there. Because I wrote it. Because I’m the author here.”

He both just stares at me, mouth agape, for a few minutes. Like, really, more than sixty full seconds. Maybe I should offer some refreshments; having his mouth open like that for so long must be making it pretty dry.

“Why…” he finally whispers, somehow not even capable of intoning it like an actual question anymore.

“Drinks?” I suddenly ask, taking off my hat and pulling them out of it as I list the choices. “Water, milk, coffee, orange juice, magnetic wodka, some ferrofluid –Aw! They clumped together again.”

He just keeps staring at me as I try to wrestle the gooey ball of oil, magnetic alcohol and iron away from my fingers and free from the broken debris of the glasses they smashed when the two liquids violently merged. I eventually just will the whole mess out of existence and offer him cookies instead.

“Chocolate chip with caramel frosting, your favorite since just now when I decided that it was your favorite! Come on, take one. They’re free.”

He keeps staring at me. I keep the plate of cookies on my outstretched hand in front of his snout for a few more minutes, in complete silence, gently shaking it every once in a while with an inviting hum. The only other sounds in the room are the soft crackling of the fires, both the one in the fireplace and the one around my blackened skull.

He finally takes a cookie with a hesitant, trembling hoof and simply clutches it to his chest.

I return the plate into the place where things don’t exist and go back to my chair.

“Aren’t you going to eat it?”

He glances down to the cookie he’s holding, having obviously already forgotten about it in the short time I used to seat myself. His eyes dart back to me almost instantly, however.

“No, I’m not feeling very hungry right now,” he basically whispers. “W-what do you want with me?”

“Well, discounting the fact that this whole fourth-wall breaking bullshit is basically my Christmas self-gift, I wanted to thank you guys for being my most popular characters! Yes Dave, I know this room only has three walls, I got rid of the other one just before bringing you both here. Would you mind not talking too much right now? The point of view is currently outside Silver’s head, so the readers can’t read a word of what you think. It’s probably annoying them.”

I let them freak out for a few seconds over the fact that I can ‘read their minds’ as they put it, and then I keep speaking. Hm, where was I? Oh yeah.

“Anyway, I thought I’d pop you guys out of the continuity for a moment to give you gifts! Doesn’t that sound fun?”

I point my finger at the two small presents sitting under the solid-gold festive tree, causing one of them to shoot towards my guests as gently as the phrase ‘comically sudden’ would allow. Silver Spring manages to catch it, which would be surprising had I not decided to write that he would.

“This one’s for Dave!” I shout, clapping my hands. “You can open it for him, Silver.”

Silver Spring looks at me like I’m some kind of overbearing maniac. A weak whimper later and he starts unwrapping it with shaking hooves. The contents eventually turn out to be an absurd amount of bacon, geysering out of the box as soon as he opens it. Yes I decided to use geyser as a verb. It’s my story I do what I want! Anyway, the bacon flies everywhere, covering a good patch of the fake snow around my little pony. He yells out in surprise when the box shoots its contents in his face, pauses for a moment while Dave explains what just slapped him in the nose, and then yells again.

“Humans eat meat?!?”

“Oh yeah,” I ponder, rubbing my skeletal chin, “That conversation hasn’t come up in the story yet, did it? Gotta remember to have you both repeat the mental debate you’re having now.” I grab a piece of bacon and munch on it as I watch them discuss their horrifying differences in diet. Flaming crumbs fly everywhere. Maybe next time I should imagine an avatar of myself that at least has cheeks, this is way too messy.

Dave suddenly thinks something very rude about me and my gift skills.

“Hey, Dave! That is an awesome gift and you know it! ‘A fountain of bacon’ has always been a secret wish of yours, didn’t it?”

“Oh, fine,” I finally relent to his illogical arguments that even if this was what he wanted right now Silver would never eat any of that. “How about this instead, mister ungrateful?”

I pull out another gift from behind my chair. It looks suspiciously like a generic human male entirely gift-wrapped. Silver and Dave stop their freaking out to stare at the new gift for a moment, before Dave’s insistence makes Silver approach the immobile human.

After unwrapping a foot, which Dave immediately recognizes, Silver sets out to rip everything away from the human as fast as he can. When the final piece of colorful paper is finally pulled away, the human comes to life with a gasp. Silver jumps back at the sudden movement as Dave steadies his stance in his newly-returned body.

“So, Dave, what do you have to say to me now?” I ask.

“This is bullshit!” He points a finger at me, “You’re bullshit! I refuse to believe a single word you say, you fucking psycho! Let me out of here or I’ll do my best to kick your fat ass!”

My eye sockets narrow somehow. “A simple ‘thank you’ would have been the very minimum of gratitude for giving you your body back, you know. There’s still a bit to go in the story, and I could make it very uncomfortable for you if you keep up that kind of attitude with me. Have you ever heard of priapism? Chronic priapism? ETERNAL PRIAPISM?”

His face goes all white as he looks at Silver Spring, then back to me. “You wouldn’t…” he simply whispers.

“Oh you bet I would. Just stay there and enjoy your own body for a while instead of being an asshole. It’s time for Silver to open his gift!” Said gift hits said pony in the side of the head as said words are said by me.

“I don’t want to open gifts anymore,” he whines pitifully.

Well, too bad because the gift suddenly opens itself to reveal a full-sized Lemony Loft wearing nothing but a quartet of socks and winking suggestively at Silver Spring. His face reddens faster than the time it took me to give up trying to come up with a decent comparison of chromatic change velocity. He goes all red in the noggin’ super-fast, is what I’m saying.

“Whu-wha-w-what?” he stammers coherently as he sits down to hide his sudden b...elly, “How did she fit in that tiny box?”

Man, who cares. So what if I wrap my Christmas gifts in tiny tardises. Tardii?

“Do you like it?” I ask, completely ignoring his question inside the narrative. “ It’s your sexy workplace crush, and she’s aaaaallll yours.”

“That just makes me very uncomfortable,” he answers, because I somehow failed to make him a total perv. What am I even doing with my life.

“Oh, fine, you wimp,” I say, wiping the yellow pegasus from existence. “What do you want instead?”

“I don’t want anything. Just having him out of my head is fine, really. I do want to go home now, though. Please?”

“Nonsense! We’re having fun here, aren’t we? I brought you here to give you gifts, and you’re not leaving before I do!”

I snap my fingers in quick succession, offering him a wide variety of stuff.

Money? “Please let us go.”

Legions of adoring fans? “I want to go home.”

More cookies? He just whimpers under the pile of cookies.

Becoming an alicorn princess? “Aaaahh!” she screams in her new voice.

Alicorn prince, then? “AaaaiiI’m actually fine with this,” he says, inspecting his brand new wings. Good!

Before he can say anything else, I suddenly stand up, shouting “Eggnog for everyone!” just before approximately fifty thousand gallons of the stuff pour from the ceiling.

When they finally recover from the shock, Dave and Silver find themselves each with one of my arms around their shoulders, huddled together and facing you.

“So that’s the end of that, I guess,” I say, firmly squeezing their drenched shoulders. “I don’t really have any more ideas for ways to comically abuse the two of you, so I’m going to end this chapter soon. Say hi and merry Christmas to the readers!”

They awkwardly oblige, speaking their greetings to what they only see as a blank wall while torn between feeling uncomfortable about the traumatizing situation or feeling uncomfortable about the burning skull inches from their faces. They opt for both.

“Okay, see you next time, guys! I could promise you an imminent update, but I’m enough of a liar as it is, so I’ll just wish you a merry Christmas and hope for the best!”

Everyone pauses for a moment, waiting for the chapter to cut off. Just before it does, I suddenly begin trying to force my two protagonists’ faces closer to each other with my hands on the backs of their heads, shouting “NOW KISS!”

“AAAAHHH! NOOOO!” They scream, doing their best to keep themse

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note

Holly shit I'm such a merry piece of crap. Please don't hate me too much for this guys.

I'll probably delete this stupid nonsense chapter at some point...

Some astute readers may have realized that this depiction of the author contains some amount of embellishment, if not outright fabrication. They would be right: I do not, in fact, actually own a top hat. Please forgive my lies.

Merry Christmas and/or perfectly normal day, everyone!

Chapter eight in the morning is the lazy man's hour

Chapter 8

Nothing happened.

And then Nothing kept happening.

I wish someone could have warned me about Nothing keeping happening forever.

I could hear my breathing, feel the slow rise of my chest, my calm heartbeat thumping away the seconds.

Not much else.

At least the weird link I had with his body meant I felt awesomely well-rested by that point. I guess not having to worry about my own physical well-being was a perk, in a way. I could just offload the responsibility on Silver Spring and concentrate exclusively on my mental state. I’d definitely need to if I had to endure another entire night of doing absolutely nothing while being completely awake.

That doofus on the other hand, seemed intent on sleeping the rest of his life away, apparently. Come to think of it, he hadn’t even set his alarm clock last night. Oh wait, he hadn’t even retrieved it from the bathroom, whatever it was that he’d used it for in there.

Oh yeah, wait, it was Saturday, he didn’t even have to wake up on time.

The light I could perceive through my eyelids was getting steadily brighter, and I could faintly feel a soft warmth creeping up my cheek.

Maybe I could have let him sleep in. Under normal circumstances and as an outside observer, I could certainly have agreed that he deserved it after the bullshit of the previous day. It had been a harrowing experience, and the mere act of waking up would mean a return to it for him. The right thing to do would have been to wait until he woke up on his own terms, as ready as he could be to face the hardships to come.

But on the other hand, I was Soooooo Booooooored. Yes, capitalized and everything.

So screw him.

Now I couldn’t just go and scream like an idiot, or bleat like a goat in his head like an amateur. I needed something with panache, something that would let him know he’d been wrong about me getting to leave while he slept, and that would let him know that in an unforgettably obnoxious way that he’d remember forever.

I needed something awesomely annoying.

…

-I CAME IN LIKE A WREEEEECKING BAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!

Perfect.

Surprisingly enough, Silver Spring didn’t jump out of his bed while screaming like a little girl. He simply had a little jump-scare spasm accompanied by a short but vigorous breath, and ended up on his belly with a foreleg dangling from the edge of the bed. A foreleg that he then used to rub his forehead with a long, frustrated groan.

--I hate you so much.

-What, you don’t like Miley Cyrus?

--What in the world is a ‘Miley Cyrus’?

-The reason the state of Montana is considering changing its name to retroactively avoid ever being associated with naked girls riding on giant steel balls.

Another long, pained groan.

--It is way too early for me to be dealing with your nonsense right now, okay? Could you please just let me wake up completely before trying to make me go insane?

-Oh, so once you’re up and awake you’re fair game? Good, good, I’ll just prepare my best crazy frog impression and-

“NO!”

--No! just, no! I… what is it with you today? You’re so much worse than yesterday!

-Yeah well, you try staying a whole night trapped in jail without even having the luxury of sleep to pass the time. Being a total dick is a perfectly acceptable coping mechanism.

His eyes narrowed as a mischievous grin spread across his face. Oh boy, what now?

--You know, speaking of d… those, I think I need to empty my bladder now.

-Oh god don’t tell me you’re actually beginning to enjoy this?

--Pff, of course not, he thought as he rose out of the bed, but I am starting to think it’s worth it if it makes you so uncomfortable.

-Woooow, what an asshole.

--Says the one who woke me up via horrible singing for no good reason.

-Okay, now you put the whole thing on the toast, and then you break the yolk and spread it all over. Now you let it coagulate for a moment so it doesn’t drip everywhere once you bite into it, and when you do, you just need to wash all the goo down with a nice gulp of milk.

--That seems like a needlessly elaborate way to eat eggs. Why not just eat everything separately?

-Because my way is infinitely better! Just do it!

--Fffff… Fine.

There we sat at the kitchen table, eating breakfast under a slowly drying mane. After the epic struggle of using the toilet, Silver had decided to take a shower. For the same reasons, both activities had been almost equally uncomfortable. At least now I knew why Silver was so insanely disheveled. Turns out that wasn’t just bed head yesterday, it was also how he usually looked since his method of drying off after a shower was the timeless classic of shaking like a dog.

Why yes, world, I really did need to be reminded of the joys of suddenly being a quadruped. Being bombarded with weird and alien sensations is exactly what I need to get going in the morning.

Well, silver linings and small victories and all that, at least I didn’t wake up in the land of talking pastel cats. That would’ve made bath time an …interesting experience.

Speaking of cats, dogs and other carnivores…

-By the way, how in the world did ponies develop a taste for eggs anyway?

--What do you mean? Why wouldn’t we eat eggs?

-Because it’s pretty much an exclusively predatory behavior?

--It’s not predator-

-Do you even know what eggs are? Unborn chicken fetuses! Little unformed baby chickens who never had a chance at life because of their own cursed deliciousness and your callous, evil stomach.

Predictably, the toast fell back to the plate with a sound of disgust from my dear carnivorous host. He leaned away from the food, sticking his tongue out in disgust.

--You really have a way to say things in the most horrible ways possible, don’t you? How am I supposed to finish breakfast now?

-Oh just suck it up. Would changing the subject make things easier?

--Uh, I guess s-

-So who was that blue chick in that weird dream you had?

--Wait, you saw my dreams? And what do you mean a blue chick, is this about eggs again?

-No it’s not about eggs. I’m hooked to your senses, remember? I can see everything you see, even the stuff you only imagine, and that also means I can see your dreams since I was awake while you had them. And you dreamed about a tall, blue pony with wings and a horn and the moon on her ass, and I’m wondering if that was a real thing or some dream bullshit at work.

The toast that he had picked up stopped about an inch from our mouth. Goddamn it I wanted to keep tasting normal food. You can think while you eat, idiot.

--Wait, that sounds like Princess Luna, what was she doing in my dreams?

-Man, who cares? Just keep eating, it was just a dream.

“No it wasn’t just a dream!”

--…Well, I mean it was, but that could have been the actual real princess! She can visit dreams!

-Wow let’s go back to bed, it’s suddenly way too early to be dealing with this bullshit now.

The sort of panicky stress that had showed up in his dream was instantly back with a vengeance.

--Did she say anything? Did she ask any weird questions? What did you say to her? Did you-

-Dude, shut up! I couldn’t even understand a word either of you said! I think she looked like she was sorta almost aware of my presence or something, but she also looked like she had no idea what to even think about it.

Our head cocked to the side in confusion. I caught a glimpse of the poor little lonely piece of toast sitting by itself on the plate, gently getting colder by the second. It’s not my fault, toast! I want to eat you but the big mean pony won’t let me!

--What do you mean? What’s that about not understanding anything?

-I don’t know! You were both talking in some weird bullshit made-up language or something. Maybe dreams only make sense when you’re asleep? Maybe we’re all currently speaking in that language without knowing it, and your brain just wasn’t awake to auto-translate for me? Who the hell even knows that crazy stuff?

--I don’t know either!

-We really need some kind of expert or something. What time is it?

He got up from his chair, intending to go take a look at the clock in the other room.

-Woah woah woah wait wait. Where do you think you’re going?

--To go loo-

-NO! You sit your god-damn ass down to finish your god-damn toast right god-damn now, because eggs on toast is not something you waste!

--Did you… I… you… did…

“What?”

-Besides, you know it’s going to be an absolute bitch to clean if you let the yolk dry up on the plate…

A few seconds passed while Silver tried to piece his thoughts back together after my outburst.

“…Just when did you become my parents up there?

“Royal sleepover, royal sleepooooooveeeeerrrr!”

Welp, that had just happened.

-Remind me again how often you ponies break into unrehearsed musical numbers in the middle of the street?

The crowd slowly dispersed from around the white unicorn who had somehow initiated a spontaneous choreography, while she herself went on her way while talking with a light yellow pegasus. No one seemed the least bit surprised or even bothered by the fact that they had all collectively and happily lost their shit as soon as one of them so much as uttered a single note. Not even the one mare who had dropped a fragile vase to join the chorus seemed to mind.

--About twice a month, I think. Why? Don’t they have harmony spikes where you’re from?

-And now I’m almost afraid to ask what those are.

--Well, being an earth pony I don’t really understand all that much about it, but I’ve heard it’s this mostly random conjunction of harmony magic that happens sometimes in a sort of huge surge of coordination for any group of ponies that happen to be in its path. I can’t really explain it, you know. It’s… we just get filled with harmony magic and then we just sort of …let it out. Usually by song and dance. …It actually does sound pretty weird when you think about it.

-And just when I thought I couldn’t get any closer to the edge of madness! Oh, what joy!

--It’s not that bad, really. You get used to it.

Well, if he thought I planned to stay here long enough for that, Silver had another thing coming. Hopefully I’d get to leave soon anyway, seeing as we were already on our way to meet someone who might finally shed some light on the problem.

Or we would have been there minutes ago if we hadn’t just been stopped by a flash mob singing about pillow fights and makeovers. This stupid world, I swear…

Anyway, the rest of the way was thankfully devoid of any other random musical performances and we finally arrived at the awesome treehouse. It turned out our breakfast ended right on time to get to the library at nine, more or less a few minutes. Well, a little past nine now thanks to the crazy magic in the way.

Silver swallowed nervously, hesitating a few inches from the door.

-You’re not going to chicken out, are you?

--No, no, I’m just… wondering how I’m supposed to explain this.

-Just go with a step by step account of everything that happened since yesterday, flat and simple.

--Okay, I’ll try…

And with that, he knocked on the door.

A couple of voices could almost immediately be heard, thanks to the now-creepily-familiar movement of our mobile ears. One of the voices was drawing closer, and I soon recognized it.

“Hello, what can… oh, it’s you, uhh, hi?” said the small purple-and-green lizard kid, who seemed to grow a little embarrassed when he saw us after opening the door.

“Spike? Who is it?” Another voice called out from inside, this one clearly belonging to a female. The door began to glow and slipped out of Spike’s hand-claw-thing to open as the voice continued asking questions. “Is this one of the ponies you turned away yesterday?”

-Oh, so this one’s theme is purple, I see.

The light-purple unicorn motioned for Silver to step inside as she greeted him. “Come in! You’re Silver… Spring, right?” He barely had time to nod before she went off again. “I’m really sorry I wasn’t there yesterday, I… guess I over-reacted, heh-heh.”

She scratched the back of her head with a hoof, trying to hide her embarrassment with a smile that quickly faded as she turned to the Spike lizard-thing. The little guy suddenly looked away.

“Well, Spike?” the apparently-bossy mare asked. “Isn’t there anything you’d like to say to the poor stallion who made the mistake of expecting a public library to be open to the public?”

The young dude became fascinated by the ground, clutching his arms behind his back.

“I’m sorry,” he said, kicking at the ground and generally looking far from meaning it.

-What is she, his mom? Take it easy on him, it wasn’t that bad.

The pony glared at him for a moment before gently muttering “Good enough, I suppose. Now get back to your chores, please.”

The awesome lizard boy thing quickly obliged, walking away while grumbling things neither of us managed to hear properly. The two ponies in the room watched him go, soon disappearing in another room.

“Well, now that that’s settled, uh… in a way, what can I do for you?” The mare turned back to face Silver as she asked, a bright smile replacing the stern expression she’d used on Spike in an instant.

Well, finally. Time to get some answers, some kind of fucking expert on the case if she was really all of what Silver had cracked her up to be. It was pretty easy to assume she was the fabled ‘Twilight Sparkle’, mystical problem-solving sage of the local community. Even if I had lacked the brainpower to associate this new face who had mentioned being absent yesterday with the one we’d come looking for already, Silver’s brain itself was fairly adamant about making me feel as though I’d already seen her before.

-It feels so weird to recognize a face you’ve never seen. …Anyway, yeah, go ahead and spill the beans, buddy.

The unicorn seemed just as eager to hear it, considering Silver still hadn’t answered after three whole seconds. Come to think of it, his heartbeat was slowly rising, about as fast as the sweat formed around his head. The ‘I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-a-smile’ simulated smile product was once again gracing our mouth, apparently enough to incite unease in the face we were looking at just before Silver finally managed to get a word out.

“I…”

--“There’s this guy in my mind and I want him to come out but I don’t know how.”

--“Oh, well good for you, Silver Spring! I’m not really an expert on this, but I’m sure I have a few books about dating stallions around here somewhere. Are you sure he really… uh, swings that way though?”

-Of course if you phrase it like that she’s going to get the wrong impression!

“I Need…”

--“Oh hey national hero Twilight Sparkle, I’m currently hearing voices! Can you help?”

--Twilight Sparkle immediately proceeds to sic the police on me.

-That’s not going to happen you idiot!

“Do…”

--“There’s an alien in my head right now and he keeps-“

--“Ooh, an alien? Does it hurt? Did it leave an entry wound? How many legs does it have? Ooooh, a real alien monster! I’ve always wanted to experiment on one of those! Follow me to the basement. That’s an order…”

-Oh come on!

He worked our jaw wordlessly for a moment, increasingly ridiculous scenarios playing in his mind despite my protests and my attempts to reassure him that Twilight wasn’t going to dissect us on the kitchen table. She looked like she was also getting nervous, the fakeness of Silver’s smile having spread to hers.

-You’re not seriously going to chicken out on this, right?

“Do… You… Have… any… uh, books on psychology?”

-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

“Oh, sure,” said the purple unicorn, visibly relieved to have an excuse to break eye contact. “Any subject you need in particular?” She began listing fields of psychology while using her magic horn to pull several books from various shelves. “Biological psychology, clinical, cognitive, animal, developmental, educational psychology? Common racial patterns, harmonic resonance and its effects on the standard psyche? Lists of common mental illnesses? I think we have a fascinating comparative encyclopedia of equestrian myths and legends and how they relate to common traits of the general population, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Spike! Did you move ‘the mentality of myths and mysteries’ somewhere?”

The purple unicorn turned back to us, looking at us with her freakishly purple eyes while holding about a dozen books in her weird magic telekinesis. “So… which one do you want? Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?

-Nothing! You don’t need those stupid goddamn books! Just tell her about me!

“I… I’ll take them all, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, a sudden inspiration for a new field of study? I know that feeling all too well. Hmm, you don’t have saddlebags, though. That might be a problem, unless… aha! There.” Twilight looked around the place for a moment before opening the door of a nearby closet and pulling out what looked like a belt, which she used to strap all the books together in a single pile that she gently lowered on our back.

-Fucking tell her about me!

She led us to the check-out counter, where she took note of every book Silver was borrowing before making him sign the form. Silver did so without so much as beginning to comply with my deliriously reasonable demands.

-YOU fucking damn fucking TELL HER!

“Any reason why you’re suddenly so interested in psychology?” She asked while following us to the door.

-Yes, there’s this human trapped in my head and I’m just a motherfucking idiot who still thinks it might be a delusion, apparently?

“Oh, you know, I guess it sounds… fun?” he answered through the slowly increasing pain of maintaining his fake smile despite my boiling fury coursing through his brain.

“Hm, yes, I suppose it does,” the mare replied as we stepped outside. “Well, I’m glad I could help you! Come back anytime!”

-Open your goddamn mouth and tell her I exist! Tell her! TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER!

The door slowly swung closed, uneasy smiles on everyone’s faces. I think I saw the unicorn’s expression shift to a slight frown just before she disappeared from view, but I wasn’t really paying attention. The door finally clicked into place, and my anger was immediately assaulted by a powerful feeling of relief coupled with crushing, bitter disappointment.

-You stupid worthless piece of fucking shit.

Silver hung our head, closing his eyes in growing shame.

--I’m sorry! I couldn’t do it! I can’t just go and tell a national hero that I’m hearing a voice inside my head! She’ll think I’m insane!

-Who the fuck cares about what you look like or what she thinks of you! You’re not actually insane and there are ways to prove it! I don’t give a flying fuck about your reputation you asshole, turn right the fuck around and tell her about this bullshit!

--I can’t! Not right now, okay? I can’t deal with this stress right now, I think I’m going to be sick…

I tried to gently convince him for a few more moments while he worked on lowering his stupid blood pressure, but I could feel he wasn’t going to be ready anytime soon like the coward he was.

-Bok-bok bokaaww!

--Stop that!

-That wasn’t me, it was that chicken over there.

He looked up to see just what the hell I was talking about. Aside from three young ponies in matching red capes passing by while chatting excitedly, the surrounding area was pretty much empty.

--I don’t see any chickens here.

-Are you sure? ‘cause I swear I saw a huge brown one standing right above your hooves just a minute ago.

--Huh?

To my supreme delight he actually looked down at his hooves, immediately noticing the fact that he himself was brown and standing above them. I proceeded to mentally laugh my ass off while he blushed furiously for falling so easily for my prank.

Damn it’s so weird to be both deeply humiliated and mirthful at once.

“It’s not funny!” he practically yelled, a mistake that I was just about to rub in his face as well because I didn’t much care for his ego at the moment. Someone else spoke up first instead.

“Oh, uh, if you say so, sir.” The soft, whisper-like voice startled Silver about as much as a cannon would have, and his head whipped around to it’s source. A yellow pegasus, almost hiding behind her long pink mane, was looking at us with a scared expression. She looked familiar too for some reason. Silver’s heart rate soared right back up to where it had been a few moments prior.

“I… uh, I mean, I just…” Silver stammered in response, suddenly just as scared as the new pony seemed to be. She had taken a trembling step back, and almost jumped into a nearby bush when Silver decided to just give up coming up with an excuse and suddenly sprinted away. “I have to go!” was all he could think to say as we ran away from the terrified mare.

Oh, wow. Look out, world! Silver Spring, paragon of courage, coming through! Oh boy, was I glad that my second day here was starting just as well as the first!

As we ran back home, the stack of books balanced on our back, my main thought was an overwhelming sense of disappointment, and the very reasonable opinion that:

-I hate this world and everyone who lives in it.

Author's Note

No offense to any Miley Cyrus fans out there. I have nothing against her, her recent actions just don't inspire much respect from me.

It's so weird: I always plan, in my head, where I expect chapters to cut, but always find myself with both an acceptable cutting point and an adequate number of words long before that point ever happens. So I'm either writing too many words, or very bad at estimating my pacing. Or both. Wow, such reliable, so writer.

And, yes, my incredibly subtle hints do indicate that the mane six will get involved at some point in the future.

Chapter ten-tative efforts to not look completely insane

Chapter 10

-This is a bad idea.

--I know, you said that about a hundred times already.

-No I didn’t.

It had only been about six times actually; the first was while we were on our way here, the second just before entering the building, and the third while speaking to the receptionist to set up a meeting with the Doc.

Numbers four and five happened in the waiting room, while we nervously shuffled old magazines around in the vain hopes of finding one that wasn’t unbelievably boring. “Modern Quilting”, whatever that actually meant, was almost certainly a publication I wouldn’t have subscribed to, and thankfully neither would Silver.

Despite once more trying to tell him how we were being very stupid, I had failed to convince him to go back home, and had been forced to tell him a sixth time.

“So, Mister Spring. What brings you to my office today?”

-Welp, I guess now is really too late to back down.

At least the big, red, lounging chair-couch-thingy was comfortable. The rest of the room was basically the exact thing evoked by the words “stereotypical psychologist’s office”: drab walls mostly obstructed by an almost unreasonable amount of bookshelves, several low tables and comfortable chairs littering the carpeted floor, and a bunch of trinkets strewn on a bunch of furniture. One of the low tables held an assortment of children’s toys and had a very small plastic chair sitting in front of it, all quietly scurried up in a corner. Various potted plants placed near the window somehow helped to drain the room of all life, like they absorbed it or something. It was probably just the contrast.

It was boring, unremarkable, and just mundane enough to almost feel like I was somewhere normal again.

Almost. The thing that ruined my delusions of normalcy more than anything else was the pink unicorn staring at us through her thin glasses while she held a writing pad in front of herself with her magic.

The contrast between that sight and the piercing, professional gaze that I could never have imagined coming from something so cartoonishly pink also didn’t help.

Silver directed our own gaze out and around her as he desperately searched for words, looking all over the room.

“Uh, well, you know…” was all that he could think of on such short notice, and the mare’s single eyebrow rising up into her tangerine mane was an obvious sign that she didn’t, in fact, ‘know’.

-Wow, already up to an amazing start here, champ.

“Yes?” she asked.

-I’d try to help you out with this but I seriously have no idea how I’d go about fooling a freaking professional mind-wizard.

“Well,” he began, really tickling my curiosity as to what he was going to come up with. “You know how it can get… uh, hectic, here in Ponyville…”

The doctor kept her icy gaze on us, sitting on a high-backed chair that looked intensely comfortable now that I had time to inspect it in the short pause that her “Hm-hm” injected in Silver’s awkward monologue.

“…And, well, I’m just wondering if uh, maybe, all that stress might be getting to me, maybe?”

She immediately started scribbling on her pad somehow, as if we’d just given her enough material for a novel or something. “Is anything troubling you in particular?”

Silver scratched the back of our head, which is kind of awkward for a horse laying on his back in a soft couch. “Uhh, not… not really? I just want to make sure I’m perfectly normal, and I figured that a professional was the best way to find out, I guess?”

She stared, perfectly still for a handful of seconds, blinked once, and finally answered. “Well, then. If you say so.”

Her mouth twitched, and she cleared her throat. “Let’s start with a general assessment, I suppose. Have you been experiencing lots of stress lately?”

“Uh, not much more than we usually get in this crazy town, right?” He tried a little, light-hearted laugh that failed to make her react in any way. “Well, the bridge plans revision was a bit of a challenge, and I know we’re only about a month away from the start of construction season, so the work is going to start rolling in very soon, and I guess I’m all getting stressed in advance…”

The pensive rubbing of her chin increased to a vigorous scratch of the general area of her mouth while she jotted down a few more notes.

“Hmm,” she said, “anything not related to work?”

“Not really.”

I sort of began to tune them out at that point, partly because it really wasn’t any of my business and mostly because it was actually really boring. Since Silver was lying on his back and staring at the extremely plain and boring ceiling, I didn’t have much trouble concentrating on her face floating in our left-side peripheral vision. My boredom had suddenly decided to make me acutely aware of how a pony’s face made no sense, mostly by making me question how in the world they had room for a brain in there with such gigantic eyeballs.

And how said eyeballs could twitch so rapidly. Damnit, I missed being able to narrow my eyes whenever I needed to! I could have sworn I had seen her eyes twitch super-fast, almost vibrating for about a tenth of a second. I didn’t see anything anymore though, maybe I had imagined it.

“Has your mouth been itchy lately?”

-Wait, what the hell kind of question was that?

“Huh… yeah, actually. Just now, in fact. And a few times in the past few days now that I think about it. But, uh… why?”

--That is a weird question.

“Oh, well, simply put, it’s possible to induce some nervous tics in ponies who are experiencing chronic stress simply by mentioning them. A bit like how speaking about yawns tends to make one yawn. It can be very fortunate and informative when it works.”

Silver yawned.

-That still kinda sounds like a bunch of bullshit, honestly. Are you sure she’s certified?

--Probably? I don’t think Twilight Sparkle would refer me to some back-alley hack.

The next question came while he was in the process of scratching our once-again itchy mouth.

“Has your sleep been troubled or lighter than usual lately, or simply shorter than you are used to?”

“Not in any big way, I’d say. I had a hard time last night, but that was mostly because of uh… noises.”

-Sorry about that, by the way. I may have blown things out of proportion.

--Tell me about it.

The unicorn kept scribbling for a few seconds more, and I hoped she wasn’t being a stereotypical bad doctor, drawing stupid shit instead of paying attention. Although that would have made lying to her all the easier, actually. She uncrossed her hind legs and crossed them again in the opposite way before finally taking her eyes off of her notepad. Her cold, icy stare returned to the task of drilling our face, and a quick glance from Silver Spring let me see clearly that her left eye was literally quivering like a pneumatic drill.

-Holy what the fuck.

--What? What’s with you no-

-Did you see her eye?

He directed our eyeballs to stare back at hers again, seeing quite clearly that they were as stable as eyes could be while she observed us.

-I swear I saw her left eye just literally vibrating.

--Seems fine to me. Are you even sure? I wasn’t really looking at her eyes so how would you even notice?

-It’s called peripheral vision, and since I’m not in control of the eyes, I can concentrate my attention wherever I want. It’s hard, but I’m pretty sure I know what I saw.

The psychologist, Serene something, bit her lip for a second, her eyes still in the icy glare of observation as they flittered across her notes. Then she “hmm”-ed.

“You say you are worried about your general mental state, correct? Is there any history of mental problems in your family?”

Silver thought about it for a moment, returning his eyes to the ceiling while I kept my own… uh, peripheral attention trained on her face.

“Uh, not really, no. Grandpa Dew became senile a little bit early, but that’s about it.”

“Hm.”

This time her face stayed perfectly normal and neutral as she magicked her pen in a single, short motion across her notepad. She did look completely normal now. Was I hallucinating weird things or something? Was she really acting weird or was I pulling that weird vibe out of my mental ass? How the hell could I say she was acting out of the ordinary? I didn’t know her; maybe she had a mild equivalent of Parkinson’s disease or something. Who was I to judge what was normal or unusual pony behavior? I couldn’t have been in here long enough to instinctively know how those twitches could be strange, or that her ears shouldn’t have been swiveling that much in such a quiet room with only one other source of noise.

“Tell me, Mister Spring; have you been experiencing heightened or conflicting emotions lately? Emotions that feel out of place or overwhelming?”

-Isn’t it weird how suspiciously accurate this question is?

--What do you mean? I don’t have conflicting emotions-

-Maybe you don’t but we do. Do hay fries and Ketchup ring a bell? Or how about that dresser-toppling rage yesterday morning, doesn’t that count as an overwhelming emotion?

--You’re being paranoid. Stop being paranoid, you’re making me paranoid.

-I’m really starting to get a bad vibe from that mare.

“Mister Spring?” And just like that we both noticed we had been staring at the ceiling with a perturbed frown for about five seconds straight while she was waiting for him to answer.

“Oh, uh… what was the question again?”

“Have you noticed any unusual behavior from yourself lately? Anything specific making you worry about your mental state, like strange urges or ideas that you would never consider normally?”

-That is absolutely not at all what she just asked.

“No, not really.”

--You’re right. Definitely not what she asked. I’m not sure what’s going on now.

“Mister Spring, you’re not really being helpful here.” Her mouth twitched on one side, curving into a grin for about a quarter of a second before she put a hoof to it. She inhaled through her nose, lowering the hoof to her chin. “You say you are worried about yourself, but you’re not telling me anything about why you are. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

-Oh great, a sinking feeling. Those are always great.

Silver brought our hooves to our head, a very faint whimper escaping our throat. “Ooooh, you’re right, this was a very bad idea, I shouldn’t-“

“Mister Spring, please calm down. No one here means any harm, and panicking is only going to skew the evaluation. I must commend you on your decision to seek professional help, but you need to remember that no one is pressuring you into saying anything you don’t want.” She put her notepad down on the table next to her chair and crossed her forelegs on her… chest? Barrel? Whatever, she clamped her left hoof on her shaky right one and smiled reassuringly. “Here is what I propose: we will continue the evaluation to the most standard of… standards, and if, by then, you want to talk to me about whatever is troubling you, we can move on to that. If you’re still not ready by the end of this, we can both simply go our separate ways; no pressure, no obligations. This is entirely up to you, okay?”

-She’s right, you know. Freaking out can only lead to more bad decisions. Let’s just keep calm, get through this as fast as possible, and get the hell out of here. That she already knows you’re hiding something isn’t important.

--Okay, right. It’s not like she can put me in legal trouble or detain me or anything.

“I… okay, Doctor Smiles. I… guess we can do that. Let’s finish this as soon as possible.”

The pink unicorn smiled warmly despite the twitch below her eye. “Excellent. I only have a few questions left to go through so it shouldn’t be too much longer anyway.” She picked her notepad back up in her magic, levitating it once again between us and herself. “Now, where were we? …Oh, yes, hm. Now, Mister Spring, have you noticed unusual increases in your physical or mental abilities in the last few days?”

-What the hell does this have to do with anything, and why is she asking that?

--I have no idea.

“Uh, why are you asking that, exactly? I don’t see how it’s relevant here…”

“Exactly,” she simply answered while moving her pen around on the page. She frowned a bit at the same time the pen started scratching more vigorously, before she continued. “That might have been a bit of a trick question to test your follow-through of subjects.”

-That sounds like bullshit. Very convincing bullshit, but I’m sure it wasn’t just a test. You’re supposed to trust your doctor, and traps and tricks like that don’t help with that at all.

--You’re… I’m not sure where you’re going with this, and I’m not sure what I even think of it.

“Now tell me about your cutie mark please. It’s always a great starting point for psychoanalytical assessment of a pony. I see it’s some sort of spring, correct? What does it represent?”

“Oh, uh, it actually is a silver spring… it’s either about being a really good jumper or something to do with my skill with machines.”

Her eyebrow rose up, twitching slightly. “Oh? What makes you so torn between two wildly different talents? How did you acquire it in a way that makes your talent so unclear?”

--Aw, now I basically have to tell you about it and-

-Hey quick question: who the hell cares?

Silver’s barely-contained frown didn’t seem to go unnoticed by the unicorn doctor, whose mouth curled upwards in a short twitch. “Mister Spring?” she asked, sounding as innocent as a perfectly normal psychologist would in that same situation. Why the hell did she feel so weird to me? “Please, don’t be shy; no matter how personal a subject this might be, whatever you tell me will stay between you and us –I mean you and I.”

--Ah, whatever. I guess it doesn’t matter all that much.

“It’s kind of silly, really. My mother is a pegasus, you see, and when I was younger I always tried to stay as close to her as possible. Considering I couldn’t just fly up to her when she was in the air, I… compensated by climbing and jumping everywhere.”

The unicorn just scribbled away, encouraging Silver to continue with a simple hum. Silver opening up like that also had the effect of calming us just a bit, which was a relief. He had been so consistently tense for the past hour or so that I had stopped noticing it.

What I did notice with our clearer state of mind, as Silver resumed his story while watching the spot of sunlight coming from the half-closed curtains creeping up the wall, was that the unicorn’s twitches were much more frequent than I had first noticed. Every few seconds a random part of her body would twitch, almost violently fast, before returning to normal. I was beginning to find her increasingly weird.

“I drove them nearly insane with my antics,” he continued with a chuckle, “which I guess makes sense when you keep finding your foal on the refrigerator for no reason. I think they told me I once managed to reach the ceiling fan somehow. …Anyway, after a while, furniture just wasn’t enough anymore and I started building some very stupid contraptions with whatever I could find. I… built my own trampoline when I was six, just to be able to tackle my mother with a hug before she could even land when she got home. She was so mad that day…”

And it wasn’t just those twitches, too. Those questions of hers were way too suspicious. That mouth itch thing had nothing to do with a psychological evaluation, and the others… the others made it seem like she knew something. Conflicting emotions? We had that all the time. Increased physical aptitudes? …That perfect, parkour-worthy, un-practiced wall jump down the stairs yesterday morning should have been impossible, shouldn’t it?

“…even took me mountain-climbing so I’d ‘spend all that energy’ I had. Thinking back on it, I suspect they were trying to scare me into staying on the ground, but I loved it anyway. Anyway, the cutie mark I got one day, when my mother was coming back from a two-day trip to Cloudsdale for… uh, business stuff, I think. Something like that. I was waiting for her with the stupidest machine I ever built; some kind of pogo stick on a pogo stick… on a pogo stick, with about a hundred more springs than were ever necessary…”

I got some kind of flashback, a familiar image of looking up at the sky with a dark shape drawing closer while I felt like I was falling. I tried to ignore it in favor of more pressing matters, but it was pretty hard.

“So despite everything snapping apart under me, I managed to bounce higher than I had ever been before, easily a hundred feet and more. It was… exhilarating, and scary, and incredibly terrifying, but also insanely fun and… uh, yeah. ...Thankfully my mother managed to catch me, and once we landed we saw I’d gotten my cutie mark. So I’m not sure if it was because of the jump or the machine that let me make the jump…”

Doctor Smiles kept writing in silence for a while, during which her right eye decided it was time to vibrate as well.

“I forgot to ask; how did you come across my clinic, Mister Spring?” she asked, still writing.

“Twilight Sparkle gave me your business card when I mentioned my… uh, worries…”

“Oh my, what an honor. That really brightens my day.” She didn’t sound all that happy though; her eyes, back to normal, never left the notepad.

-She’s really weird, don’t you think? I’m not the only one of us to get a bad vibe from that mare, right? It’s like she knows too much about this.

--Well it’s pretty hard to think otherwise when your feelings keep seeping into mine like that! Stop being so paranoid! I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for those questions she asked.

“Hm, I think we’ve gone through most of the questions on my list here...” she scanned her notepad, flipping through some pages. “Oh, I almost forgot this one. Mister Spring, are you hearing voices?”

In the half second it took Silver to turn his head and look her in the eyes, I swear I saw her smile.

-She knows. Oh shit, she knows.

--She can’t possibly know.

-I’m sure she knows. She knows and she’s trying to fake that she doesn’t for some reason. She’s shady as hell, she’s hiding something, and she knows more than she should. Don’t trust her, and definitely don’t tell her anything. I’ve never been so terrified by a simple question.

--Oh sure, because I was certainly going to tell a psychologist that I’m hearing voices. That would end well.

-No but seriously, I don’t think we can trust her.

--Yeah. Let’s just play it cool.

“No, I’m not hearing voices. What makes you think that, doctor?”

-Oh my god you’re such a bad liar.

She stood still for a minute, whatever emotion she was feeling hidden behind a completely neutral mask.

“Very well.” She put her notepad down on the table. “Now, do you feel ready to tell me what is actually troubling you?”

Silver gently shook his head. “No, I’m… actually feeling a lot better now. I guess I just needed to talk to somepony to…uh, realize how fine I am. I think I’m ready to go now.”

The rise of an eyebrow was the only reaction she had while listening to Silver’s babbling, her eyes fixedly drilling into ours. After just a second she inhaled sharply, turning away to grab a little rope dangling from the ceiling. A small bell rang in another room, and approaching hoofsteps on the carpet of the hallway soon followed.

“Very well. In that case, I’ll ask you to wait a few minutes while I prepare my evaluation and the few papers you’ll need to sign. It shouldn’t be too long.” The door of the office opened at that point, with the receptionist poking his head inside. “Mister Lock, would you please serve Mister Spring here some refreshments while he waits? Do try to make it soothing if you can; this pony is a very stressed individual.”

The tan pony looked at his boss for a second before nodding once and turning to us. “Follow me, please.”

Silver rolled to our hooves, hurrying after the stallion leading us back to the waiting room. After inviting us to sit down at the simple table in a corner, the receptionist went into the next room.

--Okay, let’s play this cool, and act natural.

-Not to forget the part where we get the hell out of here as fast as humanly possible.

--Humanly?

-Forget it. We need to get back on track here, you know? This little bullshit visit took too much time away from the really important stuff. We basically wasted our afternoon here.

The receptionist guy walked back in, carrying a small tray in his mouth, with a little steaming cup on top. He gently put it down in front of us and went back to his desk.

--You’re right. I’ll go back to see Twilight Sparkle as soon as we’re out of here and –ooh, apple-flavored coffee? I’ve never heard of that! That’s… oh, it’s just apple-scented… now that’s pretty pointless. Anyway, I’ll go back there and try to come up with something else.

-Hopefully that rainbow streak won’t be there anymore.

--She did complicate things, didn’t she?

His second sip of the coffee was interrupted halfway by a poorly-timed yawn. He shook his head and got back to drinking.

--Wow, lying on a couch for an hour really made me sleepy. Hopefully this coffee is going to help with that.

-Getting up and walking certainly would be helpful too. What is she doing back there? How long is this stupid paperwork supposed to take?

We yawned again, our eyelids drooping slightly.

-Hey, are you okay? I feel we’re getting strangely tired…

--Yeah, I don’t know… what’s up with that… I hope this isn’t… decaf…

He downed the rest of the coffee in one gulp, clumsily dropping the cup on the table as we leaned on it for support.

-Decaf wouldn’t make us anti-awake, stupid! What’s going on? Are we being drugged or something?

--I don’t… I’m not… that… would…

And suddenly our face decided to become fast friends with the table; a meeting which, despite its violence and the fact that it was accompanied by a hint of pain and a loud whack, did not help Silver stay awake in the slightest.

-Silver?

Predictably, I didn’t get the slightest hint of an answer, unless you count our left foreleg dangling over the edge of the table and swaying limply from the momentum of our collapse. It was kind of freaky to be alone with my own thoughts for once, with only an empty silence in between those. I was a bit busy being concerned about something else to really appreciate the feeling though.

Had we really just been drugged, after coincidentally meeting an ‘apparently-normal’, kinda-creepy doctor? One who seemed to know more than she let on? One that felt shady as hell? One who had asked creepy, eerily-fitting questions that just so happened to match things that I had witnessed or caused by just being stuck in here?

This Serene Smiles mare was somehow involved in this, and we just stumbled into her by accident?

-Holy. Fucking. Tap-dancing, shit-gargling, god-damn WHAT?!

Author's Note

Dun-dun-duuuun!

Chapter eleven bruises that are totally not my fault

Chapter 11

A door creaked open, apparently the one leading to the kitchen or wherever that coffee had been prepared.

“Was that… is he out?”

“Come on, Key,” Lock’s voice answered the newcomer, “you saw how much of the stuff I put in there.”

Hoofsteps drew closer, joining Lock where he was standing behind his desk if the sounds were any indication. “And he drank it all?”

“To the last drop. You have the rope?”

-Oh hell no.

“Yeah, here.”

-Oh holy shit what the fuck is going on?

The clopping of what were probably eight hooves started coming closer, splitting up around the table.

“So, he’s the one?”

“Boss seems to think so, she gave me the secret word and everything.”

-Okay, fuck. I have to do something! I have to… I… I can’t do anything at all, can I?

“Well at least he doesn’t look too heavy.”

“Heh, yeah. What a nerd.”

-Unless… Hey.

“So, now we tie him up, and uh…”

-Okay, okay.

“Just catch that.”

A length of rope fell on the base of our neck. It was coarse, cold, and it definitely felt sturdy.

-Ahem. …Hey, ‘Brain’? Look, I know you can hear me, okay? I saw what you let me do with that leg yesterday. Now, I know I’m not the guy usually in charge, but I need you to listen to me for a while.

The rope slid over me, moved by the two guys while they prepared to tie me up. The foreleg still resting on the table was gently grabbed and moved backwards, held next to our back.

-I’m going to ask you one thing, and it’s very important that you listen to me, okay? I’m trying to save our life or something here, so it’d be great if you just did what I’m about to ask you.

“Are you sure he’s knocked out? He looks like he’s still listening.”

-Even if you don’t want to do it for me, at least do it for Silver, okay? You owe it to him at least.

“Oh, come on, it’s probably just a reflex; you saw the dose I mixed in there.” Our left foreleg was also grabbed, beginning its ascent to join her sister behind my back. “I’m almost more worried about him dying on us, actually.”

-What I’m asking is pretty simple: I want you… no, I need you…

“That sounds needlessly dangerous, what is that stuff anyway?” The rope drew closer to my hooves.

-To…

“Some kind of cow tr-“

“MOOOOOVE!” I suddenly managed to sit back up, flailing my forelegs everywhere while I screamed. They both hit something soft and warm, but the thing on the right was just a bit harder. I heard Lock, to my left, yell out in surprise while the guy on my right just fell down. Then, I finally managed to open my eyes.

I looked at Lock, fighting with my eyelids to keep them open. He just stared at me, his own eyes almost as wide as his entire head. He still had the rope in his mouth, and it wasn’t long before he bit down on it and narrowed his eyes.

“Oh no you don’t,” he growled, lunging at me. I’d like to say that what happened next was the result of martial prowess or incredible reflexes, but to be honest it was just a fluke. When he jumped towards me, I leaned away as if that would help; which only caused me to topple the chair. Falling like that made our body stiffen up by reflex, and the hind legs caught Lock in the stomach. He passed right over me, our collective movement sending him sailing face-first into a wall. I landed on my back and kept tumbling until I was lying on top of the other guy, while Lock just collapsed in a heap behind me.

I paused for a second, catching my breath with wide eyes.

-Holy shit that worked.

“Hholssh’t ahdwrkt”

-Great, I can’t even speak properly. Hey, Silver? Are you there? We kinda need to move and I’m not sure I can drive quadruped!

Still nothing. It was all on me, apparently. Whoop-dee-doo. Okay.

My first attempt at getting up made me push myself forward like some kind of retarded seal, jumping just high enough that the chair I had forgotten right in front of me caught me directly between the eyes.

“Aah! Ffffokk!”

I clamped my han… my hooves over my face and groaned in pain for a second or so.

-Silver! Get back here and drive this stupid body right now!

Okay, attempt number two. I stretched my forelegs as far forward as possible before bringing the hind ones back under me, and then I pushed up. To my great surprise it worked, and I was reminded of equine birth scenes in nature documentaries, where the foal tries to get up minutes after being born. I felt slightly less agile than those.

-Oh great, now I’m imagining equestrian ponies giving birth. Thanks, brain, I really needed that right now!

“Ahrreelin’deddatrihtnau!”

Whatever, now I needed to get the hell out of there. And that meant walking. Fuck. Okay, my arms were already extended in front of me, which meant the hind legs needed to go first.

-Spring, you fucker, how did you make this feel so easy?

I focused for a moment, trying to remember how he had been doing it all this time. You’d think it would be easy after doing it for two days… I really should have paid more attention.

So I tried lifting the left hind leg and bringing it a bit closer, which was a challenge in itself because setting it down actually implied reaching out with the very tip of what I felt was my “foot” and basically standing like I was wearing high heels. It took me a few tries.

So then it was time to move one of the front legs? I wasn’t really sure yet. But then one of the two guys on the floor grunted in pain, and I found myself running into the wall I had been looking at.

Adrenaline pumping, I looked at them to make sure they weren’t actually moving or getting up. They weren’t. Good.

“Waaaidaminutt.” I was not where I’d been just an instant before. I had moved? I managed to run?

-Oh, great. I have to not think about it if I want it to work.

I looked at the door, just a few feet ahead.

“Leshtry dhis.” I willed myself forward, deliberately avoiding thinking about those stupidly numerous legs under me. I decided to focus on something else, something not related to the task at hand at all; something round-ish and orange and heavy and apparently delicious for some reason and seriously Silver what is it with you and pumpkins it’s starting to seep into me!

-Damnit I never even tasted anything made with pumpkins! Silveeeeeer! Wake up you stupi-oh Hey I’m at the door.

I was, indeed, at the door. Wow, such amazing progress, I had managed to walk about ten feet!

And now I was faced with a door. A closed door that I couldn’t just grab with my hand and open, like the thousands of doors I had already opened in my life. I looked down at the hooves that had usurped my hands, then at the doorknob, then back at my hooves, then back at the door.

“There’sh noway thish ihz gonna work.”

I let myself lean on the wall for support while I lifted the right hoof and brought it to the latch-like rounded knob-thingy that stuck out from the door. It felt a little bit softer than what I expected, or maybe I was imagining things since these hooves clearly weren’t as tactile as I expected my own appendages to be.

So, with a firm-ish grip on the knob, Silver’s stupid brain decided the best way to turn it was to kinda lean forward, putting too much weight on a limb that wasn’t holding me up. Yup, it was definitely Silver’s brain’s dumbness that sent me slide-falling on the floor when the door clicked and swung open away from me and the wall that used to be propping me up. I certainly wouldn’t have been that stupid in my own body, no siree.

Anyway, I eventually let go of the knob, finding myself once again on the floor. Oh, but this time I was facing the ceiling, so there was that, I guess. And then it turned out the door had kept going after I let it go, bouncing on the little wall-protecting door-stopper spring-thingy to come back straight for my head.

-Ow, god damnit!

“Ow, gdd dfffrt!”

Setting aside the latest entry in this wonderful parade of minor injuries, and the growing feeling that I really needed to work on my pronunciation of words; I remembered I was in somewhat of a hurry to get the hell out of this place.

“What’s going on out there?” As if the world wanted to confirm my latest thought, it brought to my creepy mobile ears the surprisingly terrifying sound of Doctor Bullshit’s voice seemingly wafting through at least two doors or walls. “You know I want silence for this!” Although distant and muffled, the words were clearly shouted.

And then, the sudden act of noticing my right eye was actually derping outwards by itself made me internalize just how fucked up this whole situation was. Trapped in an alien body, drugged, barely in control of said body, completely alone and with no idea what to do to change any single one of those things.

-Yeah, great, I’m really feeling it today. Absolutely wonderful! Y’know what, Silver? I think I’m just going to get up, learn how to run, and then I’ll do that until you wake up. How about that?

-Great! I knew you’d like that idea! Here goes!

So with a nice, friendly grin that was in no way an indication of my rapidly deteriorating mental stability, I blindly swung both my left legs towards the right. I thus rolled to my belly and proceeded to rise back up like I’d done a few minutes ago. …A few seconds ago? Whatever. I shook my head and looked out the open door, noticing the imminently setting sun and definitely not the grunts and the sounds of hoof-on-floor somewhere behind me. Oh, no sir, there was no way these two guys were already waking up! I mean, if they were indeed waking up, they’d have a chance to catch me, and…

“Yoo can’t catshhh DA WIND!”

So my face met the dirt outside, but it was fine! There was a lot of grass on that cobblestone road!

And then I fell again, but this time I aimed for the side of the road, so I only got two or three pebbles in my mouth! And I made it at least two steps further than my first attempt!

The third try was really fun! I flew about five feet when I tumbled down, and I did a little acrobatic pirouette when my head hit the ground! I finished rolling with all four hooves on the earth, so I was primed and ready to try again!

The fourth attempt lasted a lot longer than the other ones; I didn’t actually fall when I tripped on my own legs and a random stone simultaneously! I just kinda crumpled into a crouching position, but I kept going. This was getting easier! Maybe I wouldn’t fall down again at all this time!

And I didn’t! I just stumbled around like I was nearly black-out drunk. With my eyes refusing to stay open, this all made running pretty hard. But hey, I managed to get the hang of it!

I was running! Or galloping, whatever! Running like a pony!

“Hah haha heh, I’m a pony!” I laughed as best as possible given that I was running and slowly getting out of breath, which meant it was a kind of choppy giggle. “I’m a sshilly lliddle pony!”

Then I came to a screeching halt, gasping. I looked at my hooves.

And then I punched myself, because I had forgotten gentle slaps aren’t possible with hooves. I stumbled around for a second, recovering from the holy-shit-my-everything-hurt.

-What the hell are you even doing you dumbass?

…

I don’t really know why I expected a response; I knew it was a self-rhetoric question, Silver’s brain wasn’t making me that stupid. I guess I was just used to his presence or something.

Speaking of which, he wasn’t here to answer, and that was a huge problem; a huge problem I should have been doing something about instead of just running across town while giggling like a drunk idiot.

But what could I do? This crazy world had yet to do anything to conform to my perfectly reasonable expectations, so I couldn’t trust even trust my own judgement in here! I… I really needed Silver to wake the fuck up.

I needed help.

I looked up, wrestling with my eyelids to keep them open. The streets were practically deserted, which made sense given the orange blaze of the setting sun was being methodically eaten up by the purple of the night. Yeah, because being drugged and lost sounded so much more fun at night.

I decided to resume walking at least, in case those two goons were chasing me. It couldn’t hurt to keep moving. I, of course, kept my eyes as peeled as possible despite their stubbornness, looking for anything that could help me; either something to wake Silver up, or someone I could maybe try to reason with. Or at least the two guys who might be after me so I’d know to run away.

And that was how I managed to spot the huge leafy thing looming in the distance in front of me.

-No… fucking way. …Of course.

Yes, a giant-ass tree, that I recognized as housing a… still-awesome library; that I remembered as housing a certain “national hero” who also happened to be a purple horse.

Sure she was the one who sent me to that creepy twitching maniac, but something told me one didn’t become a national hero by being accomplice to whatever the doc wanted with us.

…Unless this world was way more fucked up than I’d given it credit for…

But the main question was, of course, what other choice did I have? At the very least, I wouldn’t have Silver chickening out on what I told him to say. If you want something done right, I guess.

Thanks to either crazy luck or simple panicked paranoia, I glanced behind me in time to see a pair of stallions run out of an alley. A visibly bruised pair of dudes I instantly recognized as exactly the ones I was running from.

With all the grace of a dead whale, I threw myself behind the nearest random crate in the hopes that they wouldn’t see me. Straining the ears to point towards them, I heard them arguing about something.

“One of us should’ve stayed near the station to make sure he can’t stir the police!”

“No, we have to look for him before he gets anywhere! If he didn’t head straight for the guards, he probably didn’t think of it yet! I’m sure he’d run home first! Come on, he wrote his address on the form, and I know where that is, so let’s at least check there next!”

“Can’t we just split up to cover more area?”

“As if either of us could take him on one on one! He already kicked our faces in way too easily for such a…”

The rest of their conversation got too quiet to hear once they ran farther into the street that would lead them to Silver’s house. I stayed quiet and hidden until even the sound of their hooves faded, and then I toppled to the ground when I tried to get back up.

-Fuck this body.

So I got back up properly, and resumed my fantastic journey to the library. The setting sun was both a blessing and a curse for that, as the advancing hour seemed to make most ponies retreat to their homes. Not having a crowd to weave through was nice, but having a crowd to hide in would have been a whole lot nicer. As it was, I couldn’t help but look everywhere in fear of seeing those two goons show up out of nowhere.

Fortunately, I seemed to attract less attention than I expected from someone hurriedly stumbling around town while drunkenly watching every corner of the streets. An aggressively fuchsia mare nodded at me with a sly, knowing grin while pointing a green glass bottle in my direction. She was obviously drunk, a state I guess I must have resembled with the droopy ears, eyes, and the stumbling.

Holy hell did getting smashed sound inviting at that moment, though. However, while I did arguably look drunk, I was still able-minded enough to know that it would be an unbelievably bad idea; even ignoring the fact that boozing it up while being chased by shady dudes was incredibly stupid, I couldn’t imagine what effects mixing whatever drug we’d taken with alcohol could have.

I’d probably have a very bad time either way.

And besides, I had other things to think about; the house-tree-library was drawing closer. The leafy branches hid the full glory of the architecture, but then again I liked the tree’s design and didn’t care for the layout as much as the fact that sweet hell that was a literal tree-house. Looking up at said branches let me see the darkening sky for a moment before the canopy hid it.

My eagerness to find myself at least a wall away from my pursuers made me overlook the idea of thinking about what I was about to say before politely battering the door with my hooves.

A light voice said something I didn’t understand over the rattling of the door, and I soon found myself face-to-face with Twilight Whatsherface herself.

“Help!” I shout-whispered, already walking forward without waiting to be invited. She had the presence of mind to back away, avoiding a collision. As soon as it was physically possible, I slammed the door behind me and looked for a way to lock it. After about half a second of fruitless search, I resorted to just leaning back against it.

Twilight was looking at me with a puzzled and slightly worried expression, a single foreleg raised to her chest. “What-“

“You’re shome kind ov’ero, right?”

“Uh, w-“

“Like, one of dzhe good guysh, for real?” I walked past her to lift the curtain from the nearest window, looking outside while the cool breeze of the young night blew past my face. They were nowhere in sight.

“I suppose I did do a few ‘heroic’ things; and I’m definitely not a ‘bad guy’, if that’s what you mean by that,” she spoke behind me. I turned to face her. “Is there a problem? You seem-“

“Okay, okay, …okay. What I’m about to tell you ijh gonna shound incredibly fucking crajhy, but,” I ignored her shocked expression, “I really really needjou to believe me because I’m pretty shure livjes are liderlaly at stake here.”

“You sound… uh, drunk. Are you-“

“No, not drunk. Look, I jusht really wantshou to try to keep an open mind and please pleashje try to believe what I’m about to say.”

“Honestly, I’m almost certain I’ve seen worse than whatever you’re about to say, and I-“

I‘m not quite sure what that expression on her face was; some kind of smugness or probably something meant to be reassuring, but it quickly vanished when I replied.

“I’m not Silver Spring. I’m not even a pony. I woke up in his head, in his mind, yeshterday morning and we have no idea what’s going on. Silver sheems to trust you, and I don’t know who else to trust, so… help?”

I kinda reached out to her, which, come to think of it, is something I’m not sure why people do. She backed away with an almost imperceptible hop.

“Okaaay,” she said, an awkward smile curling her lips, “Haven’t heard that one before. Did you visit that nice doctor I told you ab-“

“Yeah, we did! And that’sh exzactly the fucking problem right now, because she had her creepy assishhhtants put some kind of fucking drug in our coffee while we weren’t looking, and n-snork-did you hear that!? He’s snoring now! He’s asleep and I can’t wake him up and I don’t know what to do and-“

Everything turned pink. Or rather, pink-er. I felt the hooves leave the wooden floor as a flashy cloud of pink… energy appeared around me.

“First of all; language,” she said, her horn glowing while she lifted me off the ground. “Secondly, I’m not sure what’s going on with you, but I’m pretty sure I’m not actually qualified to deal with it. You’re either having some sort of episode or you simply had too much to drink.”

“But-“

“No! That’s enough interruptions! Rainbow was right; I don’t have time to deal with this.” I felt the strange pull of inertia in my gut when she started floating me on my back towards the door. “I’m expecting very important guests tonight, and you’re making me late in my preparations! If you really have a problem, I know some nice policeponies on Hay Avenue who would be glad to decide if I actually need to get involv-“

I swear I didn’t mean to interrupt her that time. It’s just that floating upside down in a freaky cloud of tingly light while hearing my hopes getting murdered by her skepticism was kinda hard on my already-fragile disposition.

…I started flailing blindly and screaming.

Turns out she’d turned to look at the door while she glided me by. I felt my right hand, or rather Silver’s right fore-hoof, collide with something soft and warm and yelping for the second time in the span of a few hours. I immediately fell to the floor, almost in sync with her.

-Holy shit what did I just do?

A second passed where I caught my breath after having it knocked out of me by a hard floor, and then I rolled to our hooves in order to assess what had just happened.

“Oh my god I’m so shorry!”

Twilight was curled up on the floor, clutching her face and groaning in pain, with a small yet growing puddle of blood dripping from under her hooves. Her right eye cracked open to look at me, and I instinctively backed away, shaking my head.

“Ow… How…” she bubbled out with her pained snort-breaths.

-I just fucking punched some kind of fucking celebrity square in the fucking face.

“Ohmygodohmygod I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t mean to it was an accident I just panicked and-“

And then someone knocked on the door.

“Miss Sparkle,” Lock’s voice shouted from outside, “Is everything alright? We came to ask if you’d seen an unstable stallion who ran away from Doctor Smiles’ care, but we think we just heard you yell! Are you okay Miss Sparkle? Is somepony in there with you?”

I bet if my eyes had managed to open wider than they were right then, they would have swallowed Silver’s entire head. Even Twilight had stopped moving and was just staring at me with her own amethyst dinnerplates.

-Yup, now I’m definitely an insane person. No one will ever believe otherwise. It's already written in the history books.

I felt as if the world was suddenly shrinking around me, constricting my lungs and my head and making everything generally spin. I took a deep breath to calm myself, then another one when that didn’t work, then another and another and another…

-I fucked everything up again and now Silver will find a way to kill me when he wakes up because the one time I was in control I made him assault a VIP and holy shit that’s a lot of blood and what am I even going to do I’m already on the run and the cops will be after me too and those two assholes are right at the fucking door and I don’t even know what to say anymore because there’s really nothing I can say to defend myself now because she must already think I’m crazy and anything I tell her is fucking pointless after saying I’m a non-pony impostor who stole Silver’s body somehow and how could I ever think she’d even believe that and and and I… I…

-I just ruined Silver’s life, didn’t I?

Drops of… sweat, probably, ran down my face and fell to the floor, shaken loose by my rapid breathing and the left-right swaying of my head. My vision was all blurry all of a sudden; I guess the drugs were kicking in again or something. “Please don’t blame Silver Spring for this,” I whispered, “It’s not his fault I’m such an idiot.”

She seemed puzzled, which was good for her because I didn’t really feel like thinking too much about anything anymore. This spinning dizzying room was getting way too hot and my enthusiastic breathing didn’t seem to be doing me much good. I needed some fresh air. Also I needed to get away from here, and then I’d… figure something out, I’d do… whatever.

The cold wind from the open window right behind me sent an energizing chill up my spine, and I moved before I could even think about it. I heard a garbled shout behind me and felt a stinging pull on my tail; but the ripped-out hair didn’t stop me from leaping right out the window. Thankfully the windowsill smacking right into my hind legs as I passed helped me forget the tail's pain. I looked to my left as I landed, seeing a shadow stretching in front of the tree, cast by a light and a pony I couldn’t see from there. This meant he couldn’t see me either, and I decided to seize the chance. I turned and ran in the opposite direction.

I… maybe if I ran far enough, everything would turn out fine somehow?

...Or at least I wouldn't get hurt as much?

Author's Note

[insert self-deprecating tardiness comment here]

Chapter twelve minutes of madness

Chapter 12

-Who in the ever-fucking loving sacred taint of Christ builds a fucking road that leads directly to the fucking edge of a fucking cliff?!?!

“…Fuck.”

So of course I was in deep shit. I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out at the dark trees below while basically ready to spit out my lungs. I had been running really fast in the past few minutes, you see. The reason why was because of course I had been somehow spotted by those two dudes while trying to flee. That’s one of the many bad things about running for your life in a town you don’t know anything about; you might end up running in circles and bumping right into the bastards you’re running from.

“Okay,” the one on the left said, almost as out of breath as me. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, or even how you’re even doing it, but you can’t run anymore.”

“Yeah, don’t try anything stupid,” the slightly-smaller, kinda-green one added. ”And we can end this stupid chase.”

They took a step towards me, and I hesitantly took a half-step back. “Stay back, you assholes! I’m… I’m gonna jump!”

They paused, and a wry grin crept up on Lock’s face. “I doubt that,” he said. The green one, Key I think his name was, looked at him with a much less confident expression.

“Are you sure? He looks pretty serious.”

“Of course I’m sure.” Lock fixed his gaze back on me after a quick glance to his accomplice. “You’re scared senseless about what Nov— …Smiles is going to do to you; you’re running for your life. And now we’re supposed to believe that you’re so worried about your safety that you’re going to kill yourself? Really?”

I took a peek at the cliff behind me; I couldn’t see the ground from where I was standing, with my head still a few feet from the edge. Some trees helped hide the distance; but only the tallest ones even came close to matching our own current height. It was a pretty big drop, I’d guess, but maybe there was a way to reach those trees and grab on to break the fall?

Vivid, wonderful images of Silver’s body splattering on the ground came to mind. No, I wouldn’t want bones sticking out of those limbs. These limbs that weren’t mine, actually. What would happen if I broke them? Well, aside from the incredible pain, I guess? Silver would wake up to a destroyed body, with me as the culprit. If he woke up. What if I killed us? What would happen to me if Silver died? Would that technically make me a murderer, or would I just die with him?

What if he died and I was still stuck in his head?

I shook my head. Nope, this was definitely a scenario I didn’t want to keep thinking about. I… I had no right to decide taking such a risk. Whether or not my own life was at stake, I couldn’t possibly justify playing with his like that. I had already fucked things up enough as it was.

I hung my head with a sigh of defeat. “Shhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiit, you’re right…”

“Wow Lock, you’re good.”

“Well, we’ve been working for a shrink for years now, I guess I caught a few tricks.”

“Okay,” I said, “I won’t jump, but I will fight you if I have to!”

Lock grinned. “Oh yeah, that’s terrifying; a single pony so drugged out of his mind he can’t even look straight. You won’t catch us off guard like you did at the clinic.”

They both took a step forward, and I instinctively took one back. It turned out to be a bad move however, as I was reminded by one of the hind legs that I was on the edge of a goddamn cliff. I retrieved the hoof from what felt like the bottomless pit it had stepped into; and put it back on solid ground. Great, just fucking great. Having your heart beating fast enough to lose the ability to distinguish individual beats is always such a wonderful feeling!

“Wait!”

The shout came from the other side of a small, bushy, and rocky outcropping a dozen feet down the road. Said road bended around said collection of boulders, and disappeared from sight behind it; that was how I hadn’t noticed the cliff before it had been too late. It was also how none of us had managed to see or hear the three approaching ponies before they suddenly burst onto the scene.

Leading the group was that rainbow bitch, flying a few feet off the ground while impatiently checking over her shoulder at the other two, as if she wanted them to hurry up. Just behind her was that turbopink thing that had talked to us yesterday morning, hopping along at a speed I wouldn’t have expected from something whose four hooves didn’t seem to actually move.

And just behind them, visibly out of breath and struggling to keep up, was Twilight Whatchamacallit.

Oh, awesome! I didn’t want my heartbeat to slow down until next week anyway! Producing a lethal dose of adrenaline has always been my favorite hobby!

…They were going to want to break my legs, weren’t they?

She looked up at me. “You,” she said to me.

“Me?” I uneasily answered her.

“You.” She growled at me. “We need to talk. I can’t even begin to list all the advanced magic classes I’d need to make you take just to explain how unlikely what you did was.”

“Don’t worry Miss Sparkle,” Lock butted in just as Twilight was about to begin a new sentence. “We have this all under control! Please stand back and let us do our job; this pony is unstable and dangerous and-”

“Nopony’s going anywhere! I have a scientific mystery to solve! How did you manage to break my nose?”

“He did what?!” The rainbow one jumped in the air and screamed, beginning to lunge at me. My instincts made me take a step back, which I immediately returned. My instincts are stupid when there’s a cliff right behind my back.

Oh sure, Heart; keep tacking on more beats per second! I’m sure it’s useful while I’m standing in place like a potted plant!

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry it was an accident!” I yelled, closing my eyes while I waited for that asshole to barrel into me and send us both over the edge of the damn cliff.

“It shouldn’t have been an accident!” I painstakingly opened one eye to see the blue horse wrapped in a pink aura, holding in midair with an air of annoyance on her face. “It shouldn’t have been possible,” Twilight continued under her glowing horn. “That wasn’t just normal telekinesis; it was a self-defense spell my brother showed me when he was training for the guard. It was supposed to paralyse you on a mental level by activating the paralytic reflex the brain uses to naturally prevent sleepwalking in most ponies. You shouldn’t have been able to move at all!”

“I guess that’d be cool and all if I wasn’t technically already sleepwalking right now. Didn’t I tell you I couldn’t sleep?”

“But you’re obviously awake,” deadpanned the suspended pegasus.

“Yeah, I am! I can’t sleep, and sleep can’t actually stop me from moving, apparently. Silver, on the other hand, is definitely in the land of pillows because of a certain pair of assholes who drugged us!”

“Wait,” the pink mare raised a hoof while I gave the stink eye to the slightly confused faces of the two idiot jerks. “Aren’t you Silver Spring?”

“No I’m not!” I said, a bit louder than was strictly appropriate. “That’s exactly my problem! I woke up in his dumb head yesterday morning and I’m stuck in here and I just want to leave and I was trying to find help but now I’m sure these two motherfuckers and their psycho bitch boss have something to do with it because they put something in Silver’s coffee and-“

“Please, Ma’am,” Lock said to Twilight, “you can clearly see he’s not in a right state of mind! Help us take him back to Miss Smiles so he can receive the pro-“

“Wait a minute!” The pink one suddenly yelled. “You said yesterday morning right?”

“Uh yeah…” I replied, although she seemed to ignore me completely; she suddenly looked intensely fascinated by her tail. She looked at it for about a second, before lowering her rump all the way to the ground in order to free her front hooves by sitting down. She then used one of those to check her breath and then pat her left ear cautiously.

“So if you just got here yesterday morning,” she said through a slightly unsettling grin, ”would you say you’re new in town?”

“Uh, I guess. It’s a bit more than that, but yeah, I’m pretty new here.”

We all kinda stared at her while she shook on the ground, her manic grin somehow growing even wider.

“FINALLY!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, making everyone jump away from her in surprise. While everyone was still stunned by her outburst, she crouched low, hiding from my view behind the huge cloud of pink hair that suddenly jumped up from just below my face and turned out to be her own damn head and what the fuck oh shit!!!

I would have fallen off the cliff right there if she hadn’t grabbed me to pull me into a bone-crushing hug, spinning around one full circle before dropping me back where I used to stand.

“Oh my gosh hello hello hello! I’ve been looking for you all over town all day everyday since yesterday and now I finally found you so this crazy doozy can finally stop so I don’t have to eat breath mints by the hooffull and don’t get me wrong breath mints are nice and all but oh boy am I glad that it’s over and anyway hello new pony or brain worm or whatever you are and welcome to Ponyville! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?”

Suddenly the two goons didn’t seem so scary anymore for some reason. The pink terror stepped back, a huge shining smile on her face while she caught her breath.

“Wait. Pinkie, you believe this guy?”

“Well of course, Twilight! My Pinkie sense is always right, especially when it stops! And since this doozy just stopped as soon as I met this not-Silver pony-person-alien-thing, that means he’s the new pony in town that my sense was telling me about! My tail stopped zig-zagging, my ear doesn’t flop by itself anymore, and my breath is super-fine! That means he’s the one I was looking for all along! Even those weird cramps at that weird place have stopped!”

Twilight rubbed her chin with a hum, narrowing her eyes. “Interesting…”

“Twilight, seriously?” The rainbow buzzkill interjected. “He punched you in the face! Why are you even thinking about this? Just let these guys throw him in the slammer and be done with it! He’s insane and violent and I have half a mind to punch him myself and you’re humoring him? We’re supposed to be having a sleepover for pete’s sake!”

“Yeah ladies,” Lock opened his damn trap once again, “please leave this to us and let us get out of your hoo-“

“WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIT!”

A whole crowd of nearly identical ponies all wearing perfectly identical uniforms walked out from the very same bend in the road Twilight and her friends had burst forth from. Leading the group was a hugely fat stallion, his coat being anywhere between grey and dark blue in the moonlight. His impressive mustache, despite how the hell can ponies even have facial hair, was unmistakably a stunning shade of orange, just like the few strands of mane poking out from under his cap. The seven or so other ponies jogged lightly in step with his own frantic, nearly-breathless sprinting.

“Okay everypony,” the mustachioed tub of lard managed to squeeze out of his throat before taking at least thirty seconds to catch his breath, “…This cliff party is over!” He straightened his posture, making sure the badge pinned to his shirt was clearly visible to all. “Constable Spud Donut here, and this nest of complete illegalitism ends now! Noise complaints have been filed and reporterized to us and I’m here with my squad to put the culprits in the slammer! Nopony endangerifies this town’s quiet nights under my watch!” He stomped a hoof on the road to punctuate his sentence.

The choking knot in my throat told me I might have reached my stress limit. Maybe it was the guilt associated with indirectly and also directly ruining someone’s life; maybe it was just the simple fact of having been pursued by lunatics for the past few hours; maybe it was even the deadly cliff I was teetering next to like a drunk; or, despite the fact that pinkface had stepped way back since the hug, she and everyone else was still way too close to my personal space; or just that said space was currently stuck between a goddamn cliff and a whole crowd of small, mind-cheesing talking horses that I wanted nothing more than to run away from! It was like a party in my brain, where Fight-or-Flight had decided to start wrestling Guilt and Hopelessness on the buffet table while Nope and Reason could only watch the mess exploding everywhere while enduring Confusion running naked and screaming around the room.

Needless to say, this mental party required a lot of blood to pump upwards to the brain, and said blood decided to bring Silver’s lunch along for the ride.

In short, I barfed his guts out, all over the road’s packed earth.

“Okay, this is getting ridiculous,” Twilight exclaimed, “I’m glad you’re here, officer. Now we can properly bring this situation under con-“

“That applies to you as well, miss,” The police guy said, cutting her off. “Last I heard, you’re a civilian like the rest of everypony here; and loitering, disturbing the peace, and obstructination of a class five heavy load pegasus launching ramp are all illegal for civilians without the proper permits! Additionaletly, you’re standing between officers of Equestrian law and the suspected culprit of a case of assault you personally reported; which could be interpreted as obstructing the law if you don’t immediatingly return to your residence.

“Whaaaaaat?” The three mares said in unison.

“You may be highly esteemed members of society, ladies, but you’re not above the law. No one is above the law!”

“Hey, buddy!” Feather-face got all up in mustache-face’s face, “Do you even know who you’re talking to? She’s Princess-“

“Rainbow,” Twilight interrupted her friend, “please don’t start trouble with the police. Also of note; why isn’t anyone doing anything about the sick pony stumbling at the edge of a cliff?”

Now that she had mentioned it, it was definitely getting harder to remain standing for some reason. My limbs seemed to twitch randomly, a sudden and still increasing problem that had decided to spring up as if being drugged wasn’t enough.

And then I faceplanted, thankfully avoiding most of the puddle I had expelled a few seconds prior. I kept twitching lightly, uncontrollably for about two more seconds before I managed to mutter a very confused “what?”

--Whuu? What’s going on? Where am I? What’s that on my face it’s all warm and slimy and it stinks and…

“Eww,” I said, standing back up the same way I wiped the vomit off my face with a hoof; completely automatically, as if I wasn’t in control anymore. “Wha, what happened to me? Why does my face hurt so much, wh-…”

And here I thought I couldn’t panic any harder. I definitely underestimated Silver’s ability to scream internally, when he noticed how many ponies were looking at him; as well as who those ponies were.

-Oh hey, Silver! Glad to see you’re back with us, buddy! Hah… hehe… Uh, things have gotten a bit… complicated while you were sleeping. Want me to tell you about it real quick?

--For the sake of preventing my heart from exploding, I’m honestly not sure if I want to.

The other ponies seemed slightly taken aback by our sudden wide-eyed stability, as their own wide eyed stares indicated. I think they noticed something weird had just happened. Silver apparently felt it would be a good idea to bring back the old fake smile, nonchalantly taking a casual step back.

A huge spike of panic, a quick retraction, and a glance backwards later, Silver took a big calming breath and exhaled it in something that sounded vaguely like a scream of “Why the ffffffheck are we on the edge of a fuuuuureaking cliff!?!”

-Okay, cliff notes: We were idiots who drank drugged coffee. You fell asleep, I got up for you instead, and then I ran the fuck away, I tried talking to Twilight and it went bad, so I ran away again, then I got lost and ended up here, and then everyone else caught up to me, and then you woke up and here we are. Also that barf is yours, those bumps on your head are my fault so sorry about that, and I guess I punched Twilight in the nose even though she seems fine now for some reason.

“You did what?!”

“Who did what?” Pinkthing asked excitedly.

-I punched Twilight in the face, and I think I broke her nose or something. There was an awful lot of blood.

“You punched her in the fa…” He gasped. “That means I punched her in the face! Oh no!”

“Aha!” Officer hairy lip shouted triumphantly, “We have a confession it seems! Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the cliff and follow me to the station.”

“Um,” Lock tried to say something, but was quickly buried under Silver’s profuse and desperate apologies.

“No nononono please mister officer, I can explain! I can’t go to prison, there has to be another way!”

“Look, everyone,” Lock stepped forward, speaking in a tone between soothing and pleading. “He’s clearly unwell in some way; can we just, for his sake, bring him to the professional help he-“

Twilight, Rainbow face, Silver himself and basically pretty much everyone shouted “NO” at the same time.

“He belongs in prison like the criminal scum he admittered he is!”

“Well I’m not pressing charges and I want to talk to him!”

“Yeah, just let Twilight handle this, officer, she probably outranks you anyway.”

“I don’t even know what we’re shouting about! Woohoo!”

“We’re just trying to do our job…”

“I just want to go home!”

-Me too!

“And Dave too!”

There was a certain pause, where everyone looked at each other with an almost menacing frown. Silver was still panicking, his eyes darting from one group to the next. Skittles-face snorted at the cops, the pink thing happily bounced in place next to her friends, Twilight seemed to be trying to say something but reconsidering every time a sound left her lips, Lock and Key whispered frantically to each other while sparing occasional glances at us, and the fat cop leader guy just pivoted his head left and right to look at each group of non-cops with a growing expression of outrage.

And then they all started to yell over each other’s voices, having apparently decided that when diplomacy fails, the only other way to win is to be the loudest. To my surprise, this actually went on for almost a minute, Silver feebly trying to object to whatever they said; until the two goons suddenly nodded at each other before breaking into a sprint in our direction.

“Aw heck no!” ‘stache cop shouted while his subordinates tackled Lock and Key to the ground. “That’s it! You’re all under arrest! I don’t care who you all are, you’re coming to the station right now!”

The other cops shared a glance, shrugged, and started spreading out; three headed for Twilight and friends, while two more began calmly walking towards us.

Silver hyperventilated a little.

Rainbow Whatever didn’t hesitate for a second to punch the cops, beginning an outright brawl. The two cops who were bearing down on us failed to notice the tussle between Lock, Key, and the two cops who had tackled them; resulting in a big heap of tripped and wrestling ponies.

Silver’s heartbeat soared higher than ever before.

The two fights somehow managed to get tangled in each other, merging into a huge chaotic mess of punching limbs and kicked-up dust who swallowed all who came near. Pinkhorse, yet to be drawn into the vortex, just gleefully divebombed into it.

For some worrying reason, the cloud of violence seemed to be getting closer. Silver looked around in panic, trying to see a way to escape.

We peered over the edge of the cliff.

-Silver what are you doing.

A glance back at the ball of chaos told us it was indeed still getting closer. The cliff somehow seemed more inviting.

-Silver, seriously. I’m really really scared now.

The trees below still hid the ground, but the cliff face itself was peppered with ridges and protruding stones.

Blood pounding so hard that it was becoming difficult to see anything, Silver looked back at the fight again, then at the cliff again, back at the fight and the cliff once more.

-Please fucking answer me.

Our hooves lunged forward, leaving the safety of the solid ground.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING

All four of them landed on a stone the size of a dinner plate. The two front ones pushed back up, allowing Silver to twist our body until we were standing up with our back to the cliff, where he let the front legs carry him downwards and to the side, hopping to another protrusion in the Cliffside, and then another and so on; mountain-goating our way down like a freestyling pro. I might have been impressed if I wasn’t so busy fearing for my life.

As we went further down the cliff, the last thing we heard of the commotion above was a new, oddly familiar voice, very loudly shouting:

“WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!”

Author's Note

For those interested in a behind-the-scenes look of this chapter, there's this thing too.
Have a good one, everyone.

Chapter one weird morning

My Voice in a Head
Chapter 1

I woke up to find that I couldn’t open my eyes. Not only that, but my whole body just didn’t seem to want to listen to me at all. I could feel it, at least most of it, through a sort of heavy numbness, but my attempts to move even the tiniest of muscles were simply useless.

-Okay, no need to panic; this is just that thing I heard about, that “sleep paralysis” thing. My brain is semi-awake but my body is still a sleeping lump. It’s unusual, but no cause for terror. Although I might get those scary life-like dreams soon. If I get abducted by aliens, I just have to remember that it’s all in my head.

I waited, at least for what seemed like a few minutes... and nothing happened. I could hear my breathing, feel the slow rise of my chest, my calm heartbeat thumping away the seconds. As time passed, I slowly became more aware of the surrounding sounds, but they only served to confuse me. There were birds chirping outside, not-too-distant voices could be heard, and a clock ticked somewhere in an adjacent room.

I shouldn’t have heard any of those. My apartment was on the sixth floor. Hearing people walking right outside the open window was ridiculous. The birds were possible but unlikely, being situated downtown; pigeons I could believe, not... whatever these were. But the clock?

-I‘ve owned only digital clocks for the past ten years at least! This isn’t my place! Where am I? I didn’t get drunk last night! How did I get here? Where is here?

The light I could perceive through my eyelids was getting steadily brighter, and I could faintly feel a soft warmth creeping up my cheek. My breathing accelerated, losing its slow rhythm. Good, I was finally about to wake up.

I felt my body stir a little, apparently on its own, while my eyes slowly crept open to reveal a... thatched roof and wooden beams?

-What?

My left eye was stuck a bit so a soft, brown hoof came up to rub it.

-WHAT? What is that?

--Well that’s just your hoof, stupid brain. Duh.

-WHO ARE YOU?!?

My eyes snapped open, the sleepiness swept away in a fast wave of panic, as the whole world seemed to lurch forward at a dizzying speed. I had somehow performed a sit-up without any conscious input.

“WHO’S THERE?” an unknown voice called out, seemingly from my own throat. The room blurred left and right, my vision focusing on every empty space, looking for someone or something that obviously wasn’t there. Apart from the fact that almost everything was made of wood and that it definitely wasn’t mine, there wasn’t anything exceptionally unusual in the room. The same unknown voice immediately continued:

--Are there burglars in my home? Why would they speak to me? What’s going on?

There was something off about the way that last part sounded, somewhat blurred yet clear as day, like a high-quality recording of an echo, or earphones inside a seashell. Then as the voice spoke up again, the difference became obvious:

“Where are you hiding? I swear I don’t have anything worth stealing! All my bits are in the bank! Leave my house! ... please?” The room kept swerving from side to side as I felt legs kicking at the sheets, pushing me further into a sitting position, my back pressing on the wall.

None of those self-produced movements mattered as I was dumbstruck by the realisation that that last string of words had been spoken aloud, while the previous one had not made a sound in the room.

-But that would mean...

“GYAAAAH!”

The room rushed forward, stopped with a loud clopping sound, and immediately spun around until I could see the simple bed I had been on for the past few minutes.

--That sounded like it was just behind me! But how? There isn’t another room behind that wall!

“What’s going on? Who are you? Where are you?!?” The stranger’s voice called out again, frantically looking around the room while panting heavily. The swerving field of view scanned everything numerous times, somehow drawn more and more towards an object I thought I had noticed through the confusing blurs. That object could provide answers, clarification. If that thing was what I thought it was, it would solve at least one riddle.

As if my very unspoken will had prodded it, my body inched forward, accompanied by soft, rhythmic percussions. My mind was blank, empty of anything else than a silent dread, a painfully anxious desire to know some horrible truth best left unknown. I didn’t want to know, to validate the fear I’d begun to feel. But I just had to.

The object was a mirror, propped up on a dresser, leaning on the wall. I could hear or feel some kind of droning sound, a deafening buzz that perfectly matched the void in my head as my very being was torn between looking at that mirror and just running away. But predictably, my body kept going on its own. I had to look. I wanted to look. A vague feeling of hope filled me. Looking at that mirror would either make everything alright, or just prove it had been all along. Somehow.

The polished surface came into view, a somewhat antiquated-looking thing, embellished with carvings full of the little imperfections of a hand-made work. And then I saw something come up to the mirror from the other side.

It was some sort of ridiculously soft-looking pony. A brown thing, panting softly through its frazzled dark-grey mane and staring back at me with its ungodly huge green eyes. And then I noticed the brown lump between my eyes was a muzzle, and that voice I’d heard wasn’t mine, and realized why my every movement today was made despite or directly against my will.

-I... I’m in your head?

I would have whispered that, but despite the fact that I had not made a sound, or that my words hadn't moved the lips on the pony’s reflection, or that-as I was becoming acutely aware- I didn’t even feel like I had a mouth anymore, the pony somehow heard and understood that.

A flood of terrified confusion washed over me, as the pony’s eyes widened. His breath held for a moment, his heartbeat racing faster and faster.

Then we both screamed for a few minutes.

Chapter two of us in here now, it seems

Author’s notes: there are multiple “layers” of speech in the following chapter, and in the story as a whole. For clarity, lines in quotation marks are actual spoken words, heard by any character within earshot. Lines in italics are thoughts, only audible to the main character and his host. Those starting with “ - “ are the main character’s “spoken” words. Lines starting with “ -- “ are the host’s own inner thoughts. Any other, standard text is a mesh of the MC’s inner thoughts and the narration itself, which no character can hear. Hope this helps.

Chapter 2

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!”

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

“AAAAUUUGHHHH! WHO ARE YOU? What are you doing in my head? What do you want with me?!?”

-I don’t know! Who are you? What did you do to my body? What are you?

“What are you trying to do with my body? Get out of my head!”

--Oh my sweet alicorn I’m being possessed by the nightmare! Or is it a changeling? Wait is that how changelings even work? Oh no what if I’m just going insane? I don’t want to be insane! Ohnononononononononono...

-AAAAARGH WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!?

“Stop shouting in my head! I don’t have to take orders from a voice in my head! GET OUT get out get out getout getout getoutgetoutgetoutgetout!”

The pony was now banging his head against the wall, apparently hoping I would just fall out.

-Stop that it’s only giving you a headache and I can feel it too!

“You can’t tell me what to do! It’s my body I do what I want!”

--Maybe if I knock myself out he’ll go away! OUCH! That really does hurt!

-I really don’t see how this is going to make me go away.

“Why are you doing this to meeee?”

The pony let himself slip to the floor, clutching his head between his hooves and starting to weep from both the panic and the pain in his temples.

-I’m not doing anything to you! I haven’t been able to do anything at all since I woke up in here! Just calm down and then maybe we can...

“Nope! Not listening anymore! La la la la la la la la la la la la la la lalalalalalala la la la la la la la! ”

-Okay, look, this is getting…

--LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LALALALALALALALALA LA LA LA LA LA LALA LA! LA! LA! LA!

-SHUT ! UUUUUUUUUUP!!!

He somehow actually stopped, coughing lightly and rubbing his itchy mouth. I spoke, or rather tought, very slowly and deliberately:

-Okay, I hope we both are mature and responsible enough to realise that we have a serious problem, and that rolling on the floor while screaming like a madman is unlikely to be “the best” or even “a good” solution to it. Are you with me on this ?

“Y-yes.”

-Good. Now we’ve already tried screaming and panicking, and it only gave us, or you, or whatever, a splitting headache and a sore throat.

He just coughed in response, but his mind was still running on pure terror.

--Oh no he’s going to try to brainwash me with mind games and lies and creepy roundabout “logic” and then I’ll turn into some kind of blank-faced zompony and I’ll wander around town biting things and spreading the infection and we’ll form an army of shambling puppets bowing down and obeying our hive-mind psychic overlord’s every word and every time he says something we’ll all just go “yes master” and do whatever he says and we’ll take over Equestria until all that’s left is one last rugged town of refugees where there will be one traitor just one but it will be enough and when the final bastion finally falls to the horde Princess Celestia will shed a single tear of pain and sorrow at all that was lost in the folly of ponykind and then she will pull the sun closer to the world to burn everything in purifying flames and then when everything is cleansed by fire she will have to start life again but it will take millenia and the loneliness will drive her insane and when a new civilization arises it will be under the all-seeing eye and the cruel iron hoof of the mad Queen Photonia Von Flareburst but there will come a day when a rebel faction led by her long-lost sister will rise and...

-I don’t know who or what all those names are supposed to represent, but that sounds like a really awesome story. Someone should write it down, it’d be a hit. Hmm... on the other hand, “everyone dies, twice” is kind of a downer.

“Please don’t make me destroy Equestria!”

-And how would I do that? I have absolutely no control at all in here! I woke up like five minutes before you and I couldn’t even open your stupid eyes! How would I MAKE you do anything when I can’t even get you to calm down and STOP ROLLING ON THE FLOOR IT’S MAKING ME DIZZY!

At that point his knee collided with a bedpost, sending a jolt of pain up his nerves. We both yelled a few choice expletives, his unusually tame ones drowning out mine with the simple fact that they were even audible at all.

“Ah! Stupid rotten piece of shoddy manure!”

-...cking crap that hurt!

We both enjoyed a moment of mental silence brought by all the brain’s focus being fixated on the pain, while I tried to come up with ways to simply talk to this nervous wreck. Maybe I could just keep quiet and let him wind down on his own. You can’t really force someone to calm down, after all. Especially not, surprisingly, by screaming in their head.

--Oh what a terrible day what am I going to do what will happen to me how am I going to fix this I don’t want to be crazy I just wanted to live my boring old little life and this hurts and what is even happening to me and why why why why oh why...

This went on for a while. I let him ramble to himself while I did my best to tune him out. I needed to think things through carefully and rationally. There were just so many questions to answer, so much confusion to clear, and yelling at each other wouldn’t lead to any answers. This pony guy... thing obviously knew exactly as much as me about this situation: nothing. Accusing him was pointless. But if there were answers to be found, he was my only way to get them. I’d need him to trust, or at least tolerate me in his head for a while.

So first order of business: stop being so aggressive and demanding. I’d already seen how positively he reacted to that. I’d need to play it cool, find a way to make him fear me less.

Next, and very important: find out just how screwed I was exactly.

The ever-present panic I felt was slowly subsiding while my host cowered on the floor. He was a little less shaky, and I could feel his heartbeat and breathing slowing down. He was finally relaxing, or at least getting a hold of himself.

-- ...this is just a bad dream this is just a bad dream please oh please let this be just a bad dream this can’t be real I mean come on! What did I do to deserve this? Wait why can’t I hear him anymore? Is he gone?

He raised his head from under his arms, looking around the room anxiously as if I could come popping out from under his furniture at any moment. The autonomous shifting of my field of view was a bit less disorienting now that I was somewhat braced for it.

“ H-hay bodysnatcher, are you still here?”

I realised then that to make him trust me, it’d be best to let him go through this at his own pace. Let him understand that he was in control, and that I could not make him do anything he didn’t want to do. Start all over again, not as an angry unstable invader but as a helpful and honest person involuntarily stuck in his head. I answered as neutrally as I could:

-Yes.

“Aaaaooooowhy don’t you go away?”

His fear faded, being gradually replaced by a growing despair. I kept playing the robot: as neutral and truthful as possible. I needed for him to stop thinking of me as an enemy, and he would certainly react poorly if I tried to convince him to immediately consider me his friend instead. He needed to make his own opinion, and for that he’d need a blank slate.

-Because I can’t.

“But why? Why did you come here and what do you want with me?”

-I can’t because I don’t know how in the world I got here, and I have no clue about how to get back. Please believe me; if I knew how to leave I would’ve done so.

“But who are you? What are you?”

He got up from the floor and went to stand in front of the mirror again, looking closely at his face, as if trying to spot me in the reflection of his eyes. He was a lot calmer now, apparently more willing to actually listen instead of just hearing. I listened to his thoughts for a few moments, pondering whether or not it was time to start asking my own questions.

-- ...is that it? No, that’s just the light from the window. Are my eyes supposed to be so bloodshot? Oh wait I cried a little. Or maybe it’s a visible sign of his influence? Why is this happening to me? Hay why isn’t he answering?

“Hello? Are you going to answer?”

Since he seemed a bit more rational, I decided to try my luck:

-Okay, first of all, I want, no, I need you to understand that I’m just as scared and confused about this whole mess as you are. I just woke up not only missing my own body, but also trapped in the head of a stranger, in a strange place I don’t know anything about. So now, just like you, I have about a million questions running in my mind, and you are the only one who can even get me close to answering them. For the first time in my life, I literally can’t do anything else so I’m begging you: please hear me out. If I am to answer your questions, let me just ask mine too.

--Ugh this is insane, this is insane, I can’t believe this! I...

“I... guess you sound sincere... I suppose I could... listen... to...”

--NO!

“...NO! Aaargh! “

He slapped the mirror sideways with his hoof, sending it flying across the room to smash against the wall. A burning anger surged through his mind as he clenched his jaw, pushing his hooves on either side of his head as if trying to squeeze me out of his brain.

“NO! No way! I won’t tell you anything! You’re lying! You just want to manipulate me! I WON’T FALL FOR IT!”

-No! Please! Just listen for a second! I just want...

“You’re not even REAL! You don’t exist! You’re just a sick part of my mind trying to twist and corrupt the rest! I won’t let you win!”

-FUCK YOU! I am real!

“And what makes you so sure? How can you even prove that you exist?”

-I know I’m real! I have all these memories of my life, I remember the things I did, I have a name and a perso...

“And how do you know all of it is true? You can’t know for sure! You just popped in my head with those memories that are just as fake as you, and you think you exist but there’s no way you can prove it! Is it so hard to believe that maybe you are just an imaginary voice in my head?”

I could feel his anger seeping through me, clouding my judgement, but I didn’t care anymore. Maybe I wanted to be angry, to just give in and start listening to my own frustration. Considering the circumstances, I’d already been way more patient than I would have reasonably expected of myself.

-Fuck you, and fuck your bullshit! I wake up in the mind of a fucking talking ANIMAL, and you dare have the balls to say that I am imaginary? What if you’re the one who’s imaginary? What if I’m still home having some kind of seizure, and all this shit that’s happening is nothing more than a bunch of fucking random wild sparks in my brain? How can you prove that you exist?

His rage was becoming increasingly spiked with indignation and outrage, fueling my outburst ever further. He was shaking, clutching his hooves around the dresser. But I kept going:

-Oh maybe it’s the fact that you have all these vivid memories of your life, the places you’ve been and the things you did and the people you’ve spoken to? Or is it that you have a name and a personality and whatever? You know, all those things you just dismissed as inconclusive? How do you know you’re any more real than me? What the fuck makes you an expert on what’s real or not? Enlighten me, o master of all existence! I need your guidance!

He suddenly toppled the dresser to the side with a scream, sending the piece of furniture sliding a few feet away and crushing the shards of the mirror into a slightly finer mess. Still somehow standing on his hind legs, breathing heavily through clenched teeth, his mind was filled with increasingly incoherent rage. Bursts of color flashed all over his vision, sometimes vivid enough to block out the view from his eyes. Meaningless half-words echoed around me, random syllables flung everywhere in chaos. I had pushed him beyond reason. I found myself unable to continue my rant, incapacitated by his rage-addled mind.

After what seemed like a minute he dropped back on all fours, still panting, then sat on his haunches while staring straight ahead. Blood pounded in his temples, rhythmically darkening his vision with the sheer pressure flowing up to his head. The sore spot where he had banged his skull on the wall was burning, feeling even hotter than the rest of his face. He let himself limp to the floor, eyes still unmoving in their sockets as his head came to rest on the smooth wood. He was almost catatonic.

Well, that was it. Despite my earlier decision to stop aggravating him, I had lashed out at him like an idiot. I had probably just blown any chance I had at gaining his trust. Great job, dumbass. The anger was slowly fading, but I directed what was left at myself. Not only had I let myself lose my temper like an imbecile, but in doing so I had almost certainly pushed myself even further from figuring out what was going on. A real good waste of time right there.

--This...

“This is getting us nowhere” He spoke quietly, his voice hoarse, staring blankly at a hoof he was flexing in front of his face. “I broke my mirror, made a mess of my room, got scared, got angry, hurt myself, and absolutely nothing changed.” I could feel a muscle hurting in his leg, some kind of minor sprain. He must’ve pulled a muscle flipping the dresser like that. “You’re right, this isn’t helping.”

-so...

“So, fine, we can talk. I don’t even care anymore. Talking is better than screaming.”

He picked himself up, slowly testing both of his injured legs to see if a limp was avoidable. The bruised knee was fine but the foreleg was too sore to put his full weight on it.

-Thank you. Uhhh...

Now that I had his attention, I found I had no idea what to ask him. Well, what to ask first in any case. Interpreting my hesitation like a question, he offered:

“My name is Silver Spring.”

-Silver Spring? Ha, wow, that’s stupid! What, your parents were stumped so they just threw darts in a dictionary or something?

His eyes narrowed while I felt his irritation rising once more. He snorted angrily.

-Oh, uh, ahem. Sorry, I was just surprised.

“I’ll have you know it’s an outstandingly normal name around here, Bodysnatcher. Maybe you could tell me yours so I can know what smart names are?

- Uhh, Dave Smith.

“Ha ha ho ha,” he said in an overly mocking tone. “ That doesn’t even mean anything! Do you have a brother named Stoohde and a sister called Flettle, by any chance?”

-That’s not even close to being funny.

“Well now you know how it feels, mean-face. If you must be an uninvited guest in here, you could at least try to be polite. There were a lot of very awful words in what you said back then.”

-Yeah... sorry about calling you an animal. And the “f” word. I was just so angry.

--What’s an effword?

“Hm, yes, well I was very angry too, “

--Angrier than I ever thought possible,

“Let’s just drop it.” He tried a few limping steps around the room, careful to avoid the broken glass scattered around. “So... if you aren’t normally a disembodied voice, what are you exactly? Judging by your... words, I’m guessing you’re not a pony, and that you’re clearly not from anywhere near here. What’s up with that?”

-Well, have you ever heard of humans?

He rolled his eyes.

--There goes my mind again, making up words.

“I really can’t say I have.”

-I’m not mak...

I trailed off, realising he had only been humoring me. He didn’t really want to try to believe me at all. Well, fine. No sense in picking another fight. I’d have to just play along for now.

“So what are humans?” He tested the word, pronouncing it carefully like someone learning a new language, trying to avoid a possibly offensive mistake.

-Well, physically or as a society?

--Oh I can’t believe this. I’m on the verge of getting lectured on a made-up civilization of aliens by a voice in my head. How did my life get to this? I think I may need to start drinking soon.

“Oh, I don’t know, just... in general, maybe? Let’s just start with what you’d look like.” He leaned on the bed to rub his forehead.

-Okay, so,uh... basically we’re tall, mostly hairless bipedal apes.

The mental image I saw in his mind was almost insulting. If I still had fingers I’d have massaged the bridge of my nose. Or facepalmed.

-Oh boy, this could take a lot of work...

--Work?

“Hmm, yes, well maybe we could do that later? I don’t really have all day and...”

--WORK?

As his mind clicked at some sudden realisation, he gasped loudly, jolting upright. “I have to go to work! What time is it? ” He bolted to the door and opened it, immediately fixating his eyes on a clock to answer his question. The clock, which was likely the one I’d heard ticking upon waking up, was hanging on the wall in a staircase going down, level with the floor to apparently be visible from both upstairs and downstairs at once. It was about a quarter past eight. “Oh no I’m late!” With his heart pounding and his mind almost blank, he took a running start and literally jumped down the stairs at an angle, connecting with the wall in mid-air before wall-jumping over the handrail to land loudly in the middle of a rather cluttered room.

-AAAhhh! What are you doing you crazy idiot?!

--I’m late I’m late I’m late I’m late I’m not supposed to be late I’m late I’m late I’m lateI’mlateI’mlateI’mlateI’mlate!

He dashed towards the door, stopping midway to shove his nose between what looked like two backpacks linked together and flip the whole thing over his head to land on his back. The bags were filled with various unidentified and clunky angular objects. Still repeating his newfound mantra even faster and now physically muttering it, and despite my protests, he proceeded to push the door open and step outside.

Chapter nine out of ten doctors recommend going to see a doctor when something's wrong

chapter 9

I wonder if there’s an elder god somewhere in the abyss between dimensions who spends his days counting just how many times the phrase “might as well” was immediately followed by a colossal and pointless waste of time.

He must be pretty busy, since I think that’s basically every single time.

--Well, since we have all those books, we might as well read a few of them to make sure I’m really not crazy, right?

The cover of the book fell down heavily, shaking the whole kitchen table with a muted thud.

-Let it be known on this second day of our situation, that my fair warnings and predictions have been confirmed to be true; thus comes to mind the timeless adage of ‘I fucking told you so’.

Silver Spring’s head soon followed the book’s cover, adding a second thud.

--Look, I knew that already, okay? I just needed something to help me calm down before going back there to talk to her again.

-Well, since we’ve proven that you aren’t insane, now can we go tell the magic pony that you’re hearing a voice in your head?

His hooves reached back over the table to massage the sides of our head.

--You’re not helping. And we haven’t proven anything; maybe you are just a crazy delusion in-

-Hey! I am real! I thought we had agreed on that!

--…A very convincing delusion that equestrian medicine has yet to encounter. Look, if we know nothing, we can’t rule anything out, right? At least now we know that it’s not something common that would make me look stupid; I’m either extremely crazy or something really new is going on.

-Could you sometimes do me the favor of holding back on the whole ‘doubting my existence’ thing?

--And could you ease up on the profanity and sarcasm?

He grabbed the book and hoisted it to the top of the pile, where he attached the leather strap again.

-Oh sure, no problem, fuckface!

Our head leaned against the stack and a deep sigh escaped our lips.

--I don’t even understand why I still bother asking things from you…

-Yeah, okay, sorry. I’ll try to watch my tongue if you promise to accept that it exists.

“Deal.”

He stood up, turning around so that his back was facing the book pile before flicking his tail to make them fall on it. “Let’s go try this again, I guess."

The walk towards the library was annoyingly slow, Silver apparently bent on taking as much time as possible to keep himself from stressing out. I guess being bored is a form of relaxation.

Or, you know, it would be if it wasn’t making me so impatient.

-Do you really have to stare at every flower you see?

--I’m trying to take it easy so I don’t panic again!

-Well, take it easy faster, okay? I want to be gone by tomorrow, not in three freaking weeks!

--I would really appreciate it if you stopped pressuring me like that!

-Raaaauuuughhhh…

Well, on the bright side, these repeated trips around town were making me pretty familiar with the layout of the place. I could probably have made my way to the library on my own if that had been an option.

Thankfully, this time our progress wasn’t as much of an epic ordeal as usual; the various ponies around town seemed more interested in their daily lives than in random song and dance routines for once. In fact, a lot of them looked a bit …nervous? Or maybe it was excitement or something. The fact that I was somehow used to them enough to recognize their general state of mind worried me a little more than whatever might be causing them to be nervous in the first place, though. I definitely shouldn’t have been so desensitized to the sight of talking ponies haggling over the price of asparagus. That was his sense of what’s normal!

I saw a unicorn dude giving a bunch of flowers to a mare. She smiled and said something nice to him, but the subtle movement of one of her hooves somehow told me she just wasn’t interested. I could read their body language. Whether that was from actual acclimation or from simply having Silver’s subconscious feeding me the interpretation directly, I knew I shouldn’t have. Not yet at least. It had only been two days, for fudge’s sake!

I wondered how far those changes ran, and if they’d stay if -when- I ever found a way to go back to my own head. I didn’t want my mind to become a weird mash-up of human and magical pony!

Interestingly enough, I was so lost in these oh-so-reassuring musings that I only registered that we were back at the library once I exhaled the shuddering sigh Silver took to steel himself.

--Okay, time to do this. Seriously this time.

A left foreleg lifted to knock on the door once more, with all the confidence the brown pony could muster. So about as much confidence as a child on the first day of school.

For something made for a library, that door was very lacking in the soundproofing department. I clearly heard a new voice yelling “What, again?” as soon as the first knock was produced. Almost immediately after, Spike opened the door while someone replied something to the new speaker, too softly to be heard.

The same new voice, obviously annoyed, called out to silver as soon as we stepped inside.

“What is it now? Can’t you ponies tell that Twilight is busy today?”

Since I had, by that point, given up on the idea of applying the notion of genetics to the ridiculous inhabitants of this stupid world, the fact that I was being indirectly addressed by a rainbow-maned, rose-eyed blue pegasus didn’t affect me as much as the mystery of:

-What the fuck is her deal?

“Rainbow!” Twilight’s indignant shout drew all heads towards her. “That is no way to treat a guest!”

-And apparently her name is literally Rainbow. At least that one makes some sense…

The prismatic mutant pony rolled her eyes from atop her perch on a windowsill, snapping shut the book in her lap as she did so.

“Oh, so you’re back,” the slightly less mutant horse continued, now addressing us. “Is there something wrong? Did you need more books?”

“Not exactly, I… I’m here to return them.”

One of Twilight’s eyebrows raised a bit at that. “Already? You weren’t looking for something specific, were you? I could help you fin-“

“Oh nonononono,” the bowl of fruit loops interrupted as she landed next to us. “You’re not helping anypony find anything today, okay? You’ve already been stressing out about that sleepover checklist enough as it is, you don’t need any more stuff on your plate.”

-How about minding your own damn business, miss Paint Shop Explosion?

“Rainbow!” Twilight shouted again, with just a hint of whining in her voice this time. She closed her eyes to continue speaking, a hoof raised in the air in the stereotypical ‘let the genius educate you simpletons’ pose. “I’m not ‘stressing out’, I’m just being vigilantly careful!”

-No, seriously, since when can I read you guys’ body language?

The mostly blue pegasus took the opportunity to roll her eyes when Twilight closed hers, while Silver had nothing better to add to the conversation than an annoyed “Yeah” to the start of Twilight’s defense.

“’Vigilantly careful’,” the popsicle variety pack mimicked under her breath, in sync with Twilight. “Sure you are, Twilight. Look, if you wanted to check out that list any more often you’d have to glue it to your eyelashes! So the last thing you need is some random shmuck coming here to make you even more frazzled.”

“I’m not frazzled!” Twilight answered, looking increasingly frazzled. “What if he has a friendship problem of some kind?”

“Yeah!” Silver added, a little bit louder this time. Skittles-face suddenly turned to face us, her nose inches from ours.

“Do you have a problem?”

“Uh, yeah, actual-“

“Is something on fire?”

“No, I just-“

“Did something explode?”

-You mean something besides the box of food dye that fell on your head this morning?

“Uh, I don’t think s-“

“Has an ancient gooey evil awakened from a million-year slumber to engulf Equestria under a blanket of destruction from which there is no escape?” A flurry of waving hooves accompanied that question, leaving Bismuth Display breathless and myself wondering once again just how the hell a quadruped can spontaneously wave half of its supporting limbs in the air without falling over.

“What? No! There’s th-“

“Then it’s not important enough to bother Twilight,” she once again cut us off while applying some very unwelcome pressure on our shoulders with her hooves. Wait, was she really pushing us towards the door?

-Oh hell no.

“Wait!” We objected, somehow at the exact same time Twilight did as well. The Lucky Charms marshmallow reject stopped pushing us and turned to her friend. The slightly disheveled unicorn continued: “Rainbow, would you please stop literally shoving guests out of my door?”

“Twilight, I’m sure that whatever he wants, that pony is only going to stress you out and you don’t need that today. You know I’m only looking out for you, right?”

Twilight sighed, her head lowered in defeat as she spoke. “I know, I get it, I need to calm down.” She tried to straighten her mane with a hoof, only to accidentally hit her horn. She winced and put the leg back down, looking at it as if it had personally offended her for a moment, before letting out a short but vigorous sigh. “You’re right, Dash.”

-Now would be a good time to speak up, dude.

She then turned to us, a look of strained sympathy on her face. “Look, some ponies told me you had been acting… weird lately.”

-You got her attention. Say something.

--I don’t even know what to say anymore!

“And while I don’t doubt there could be something troubling you, from what I can gather it sounds like something out of my field. I-“

“No, wait! It’s not what you-“ we tried to interject, only to be counter-countered by the streak of leprechaun barf.

“Look, buddy, we all know you’re going insane for some reason, and it’s def-“

“Rainbow! Don’t call him insane, that’s very rude!”

Reflection-and-refraction-of-light-in-water-droplets rolled her eyes and answered “Sane ponies don’t talk to themselves, Twili-“

“I talk to myself sometimes!”

The awkward silence that followed Twilight’s statement was only broken by an affirmative “She sure does.” from Spike, who was now busy dusting the bookshelves from the top of a wheeled ladder elsewhere in the room. The general effect of this apparently new revelation on Gasoline-spill-in-water was a weird scrunching-up of her nose, as if she was physically holding back words that she knew she shouldn’t say.

“Aaaanyway,” she finally half-shouted, both visibly and audibly embarrassed, “you just take this and good luck.”

Funny how sometimes we both think the same thing, and Silver ends up saying exactly what I’d say if I was in control. “Wait, what? What is that?”

‘That’ was, at first glance, a tiny rectangular card, mostly white but sporting a little logo and some black lettering that we didn’t have time to read between the time Color Wheel Junior took it from a nearby table and the moment she inserted it in our mane.

“It’s the business card from this good friend of mine,” Twilight explained while Paintball Aftermath resumed pushing us towards the door. “She’s a psychologist who just recently opened a clinic here in Ponyville and I’m sure she’d appreciate the business. Who knows, maybe you just need someone to talk to!”

-Holy shit this can’t be serious. Say something you fucking boob!

--Do you even have a suggestion or are you just going to boss me around? I don’t know what to say now!

The door opened gently under the influence of Twilight’s magic, allowing Daltonism Test to make us clear the threshold. The door slammed shut behind us, and we were left standing in front of the library, a dumbfounded look on our face.

Then the door opened again, and an embarrassed First Grade Art Project took the pile of books from our back while saying “Oops, forgot those, heh-heh. Bye!” before slamming the door again.

Then it opened again, this time only letting a blue hoof slip through long enough to hang a ‘closed’ sign.

And then we were just standing there, a familiar heat rising in our chest. A little shake was enough to make the card fall from our mane, and Silver caught it. Carefully balanced on our hoof, it read:

Serene Smiles
M.D. Ph.D
Psychologist

Followed by the address.

--…supposed to do? I can’t convince them of something when I can’t get a word in! Why was she here anyway? Oh sure they’re friends but now they both think I’m insane and all I had to say to that was ‘urrr’ and now that’s another chance to get someone to fix this gone down the drain and I’ll probably never get another one now that they think I’m insane I I… Was I really that obvious? Did I really make such a show of myself that ponies went to the effort of coming here to complain? They think I’m crazy it’s already useless they already think I’m insane and anything I could ever say to explain this would only ever make me sound even worse I…

I couldn’t think of anything to say at that point, besides something along the lines of ‘fucking rainbow bitch’. I couldn’t believe we had just been turned around by some kind of living impersonation of the Rio Carnival. We’d just lost another chance to find a solution to this, and it was probably our last one. I hated to admit it, but Silver was almost certainly right to think that if they already believed he was insane there was no way he’d convince them otherwise by confessing to hearing a voice in his mind.

Another bit of hope dead.

I didn’t really know who to hate most right there; Silver for being a bitchy little doormat, that stupid color palette for being an asshole, Twilight for agreeing with her, or just the entirety of existence for apparently having some kind of grudge against me?

Or maybe I was somewhat to blame? Was it really a good idea to push his buttons all the time like that? Probably not if it just made him look like a mental patient. Oh fuck this was all my fault wasn’t it? Why couldn’t I just keep quiet when he asked? Why did I have to be such an idiot all the time?

Argh! Why couldn’t I at least have been sent here in my own private body? Why did I have to be stuck as a fucking back-seat driver where my asshole tendencies were bound to be brought out by boredom and powerlessness? God damn it I just wanted to be able to do something, anything! I wanted to be in control of my own fucking life for once! Why was this so hard? Let me breathe by myself, let me move my limbs when I want to! Let me have my own anger, goddamn fucking world! Let me fucking scream when I fucking want to!

“RrrrraaAAAAARGH! Fine!”

Silver ground our teeth to prevent himself from screaming any more, biting into the little business card as he stomped our hoof back down.

--So they think I’m insane? I’ll show them!

-Woah wait what? What are you-

--I am going to go see that stupid doctor, I’ll get her to certify that I’m not insane, and then I’ll come back here, and tell her about you, and she won’t have any excuse for not believing me!

He started walking, turning left at the first intersection in order to head straight towards the indicated address.

-That’s an extremely stupid plan.

--Oh, yes, because trying the sensible solutions has worked out so damn well for us already!

-Okay now you’re just being an idiot! You didn’t try much of anything besides talking to that unicorn; how is that a plurality of solutions?

--Stop trying to argue about this! I don’t care! I just want to do something right now instead of just waiting another whole stupid day! Isn’t that what you want?

-Well, yeah, but-

--Well then it’s settled! We’re going to therapy and that’s it!

-No, it’s not settled at all! Do you even understand how many parts of your little ‘plan’ can backf-

--Hey did you just hear the word ‘pumpkin’ or was that just me?

-Don’t you fucking start with the goddamn pumpkins!

--PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKI-

-GAH FINE! I’m shutting up now!

Well, good thing he was just as pissed as me, as the way he stomped every step like he was trying to crush bugs under his hooves was exactly the kind of behavior I felt like exhibiting at the moment. Acting like a petulant child is surprisingly cathartic, no wonder they do it all the time.

Still, the bright sun, the act of walking around, and the increasing awareness of just how childish we must have looked slowly melted our shared frustration.

--…Hey, look. Maybe I could try telling that psychologist about you. I mean, not as the first thing I do when walking into her office or anything, but maybe after a while…

-Yeah, I’m not sure about that. I don’t know about here, but where I’m from telling a psychologist that you’re hearing voices usually ends in either a bunch of medication or a trip to the mental hospital. That wouldn’t really help us, now would it?

“Hrm…”

--Well, at least she’d be bound to secrecy anyway, with that patient-doctor confidentiality thing, right?

-Why are you asking me? I don’t know anything about your horse laws!

--Well I’m sure she would. Oh hey, here we are.

We sure were. Apparently the clinic was located directly next door to the Ponyville hospital, if the big white sign with a cross-and-hearts symbol bearing the words ‘Ponyville Hospital’ in front of a large building to our right was any indication.

Or it was a hardware store or something. Assumptions hadn’t gotten me very far in this world up to that point.

The psychologist’s clinic/office thing was a simple two-story brick building, surrounded by a few hedges and a ring of young trees that would probably one day make a cozy blanket around the place. I thought it just looked too new for now.

--Oh yeah, that place. I remember reviewing the plans for this building a few months ago. Huh. Looks better than I thought.

-You’re not going to back down from this, aren’t you?

--Nope.

-And you still think it’s a good idea?

--Yep.

-I’d seriously roll my eyes right now but whatever. I don’t have any other suggestions except ‘just go back to Twilight and insist’, so yeah. Might as well do this.

What was it I said about ‘might as well’ again? I think I was wrong.

Author's Note

For a while on April first, this was how the chapter went:

“Has an ancient gooey evil awakened from a million-year slumber to engulf Equestria under a blanket of destruction from which there is no escape?” A flurry of waving hooves accompanied that question, leaving Bismuth Display breathless and myself wondering once again just how the hell a quadruped can spontaneously wave half of its supporting limbs in the air without falling over.

“What? No! There’s this weird alien voice in my head!"

Silence filled the room for a moment, both mares sharing an inquisitive look.

"Let me guess," Twilight began, "his name is Dave?"

-Uh oh.

"W-what? How do you know that?"

Twilight sighed, Leprechaun Barf rubbing a hoof to her forehead while muttering something that sounded like "Not that little prick again."

"Dave! get out of there right now!"

-Aww, busted!

--What's going on? What do you mean 'busted'?

The poor little brown pony soon found out as I crawled out of his ear and fell to the ground with a soft 'splat'. I could now see him looking at me, a look of queasy disgust growing more extreme on his face by the second. I guess an eight-inch worm slipping out of one of your sacred orifices is shocking to you mammals or something. I don't really get it, but I'm used to it by now.

"Silver Spring, this is Dave the Worm God."

I waved my pink squishy tail at him. "Hi!"

Silver didn't answer anything, too focused on apparently trying to touch the floor with his lower jaw.

"I really liked raking my barbed tongue on your synapses, Silver. Your brain has a really unique, delightful taste you know."

Twilight groaned. "Why do you always have to say the most disgusting things, Dave?"

"I don't even care!" Rainbow butted in, pointing a hoof towards the door. "Just get out of here, you little slimy jerk! What was it this time anyway?"

"Humans!" I answered, crawling away caterpillar-style.

"Ughh, those creepy made-up things? Again? I should just squish you right now!"

"Ah-ha-ha, you wouldn't even dare! What would dear little Fluttershy think of you if you did that? Besides, you know my spirit would just reincarnate in my nearest child anyway!"

"I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you," was all Twilight could say, Silver still staring at me open-mouthed.

"Oh come on, Twily! Didn't we have fun together?"

"NO WE DIDN'T! That was the exact opposite of fun! Get out of my house!"

"I'm going, I'm going! I don't have those fancy-shmancy legs of yours, you know. Have some respect for the differently-abled, would you?"

"No one should ever have any respect for you, you slimy vermin!"

I finally reached the door, slipping underneath. "I'll make you change your mind when I finally get to spend some fun time with you, Rainbow."

I was glad to see my choice of words causing a short wave of nausea in the pegasus' face, complete with retching. she quickly recovered, though.

"Well good thing you'll never get to, seeing as I live in a cloud and you're just a creepy little worm!"

"Never doubt the worm, young pegasus." I started backing away under the door, using my butt to commence digging my hole. "Well it was a lot of fun hanging around in your brain and pretending to be an estranged alien, Silv! I might just visit again someday! Okay, see you all later, my little ponies!"

I flipped around, returning my mouth to the front of my burrowing. I faintly heard various screams of frustration and/or vomit from behind as I slowly sunk deeper into the earth.

That was a good couple of days, I must admit. It's fun to be an immortal jerk-ass lying parasite...

THE END

Followed by "Yay! I'm done! The story is finally over! That was exactly how it was going to end all along!" in the author's notes. Thankfully I'm not a total asshole, and I had also put the rest of the actual chapter in the author's notes. I figured that if I was going to pull that bullshit on people who waited three months for an update the least I could do was to also actually post the chapter they had all been waiting for.