The next few seconds were a blur. First Pinkie was standing in the corridor, then Twilight had her arms around Pinkie’s shoulders and Pinkie’s head against her chest, then they were on the couch together and Pinkie’s nose was running all over Twilight’s shirt sleeves and she didn’t care about it at all.
“I’m so sorry.” Twilight whispered. She didn’t know why she was whispering. It just felt like if she raised her voice it might be loud enough to break the very fragile thing she was holding together.
Pinkie sniffled again, lifted her head from Twilight only enough to rub her nose with the back of her arm. “Were you really going to eat his face?”
Twilight winced. “I have no idea why I said that.” That got a laugh, and Twilight’s blood pressure dropped ten points because of it. “How are you feeling?”
Pinkie took a while to answer. “Was he right? About me?” Pinkie sniffed. “Am I really like that?”
“You wanted to give more than he was willing to get, because he was an asshole. They’re everything I-” Twilight was going to say ‘appreciate’, but she said the word she really meant this time, “love about you. That you always want to spend time with people, that you care so much about everything, that you’re so affectionate. I like all the hugs, and the time you spend with me. I’m not going anywhere.”
Pinkie rubbed her eyes, and just ended up rubbing mascara all down the side of her nose. “Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”
“Anything.” Twilight jumped up immediately, “I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“No, I mean…” Pinkie didn’t sniffle. She gave that weak, sorry smile that made her look like she was trying to apologize for something. What betrayed her was the wobble in her chin that carried to her voice. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
Twilight took a deep, shuddering breath. “Pinkie, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
Twilight felt the urge bubble up inside her again like steam pressure, the need to deny her desire for Pinkie’s comfort. Especially when Pinkie needed it so badly. But then she thought about spending a night curled up to Pinkie, cuddled tight against her, and having to pretend it didn’t mean anything to her.
It hurt to imagine in the second that she thought it, let alone the long hours of experiencing it, and having to deny herself in every moment.
“Because you’re hurt, and you want comfort, and I want to be that for you too…” Twilight gulped. Her throat was so dry it hurt to swallow. “Too much.”
At first. Pinkie didn’t say anything. Then she squeezed Twilight’s hand like a child holds a helium balloon they’re terrified they will never see again if they let it go. “That’s why I want it to be you.”
Twilight’s collar was hot and damp and sticking to the skin of her neck where Pinkie’s face was pressed tight against it. But nothing in the world could have made her push her away right now. “Put your arms around my shoulders for a second, okay?”
Twilight really hoped she was strong enough to do this. She put one arm against Pinkie’s back, and scooped the other behind Pinkie’s knees, picking her up. She was lucky Pinkie wasn’t heavier than she looked.
Pinkie scrunched a fistful of Twilight’s shirt against her face, and giggled. Only a small one. But it was enough motivation for Twilight to make it back to her bed, and throw Pinkie onto it. She was rewarded with a delighted squeal as Pinkie went airborne, and a peal of laughter as she bounced to a stop.
That left Twilight standing next to the bed, looking down at Pinkie, who was already slipping her way under the blankets. Pinkie looked up, confused, as to why Twilight hadn’t joined her yet - and Twilight realized Pinkie couldn’t think of a single reason Twilight should hesitate.
She shrugged her damp shirt off, and slid next to Pinkie in her jeans, sliding one arm underneath Pinkie’s head and assuming the role of big spoon. Preparing for a long night of cuddling.
That would have been enough.
Instead, Pinkie rolled over to face her, pressing her forehead against Twilight’s as she wriggled under the blankets. Pinkie’s singlet top appeared out from under the covers, just before it was tossed to the side of the bed. Some more wriggling, and her pants went as well. Then, her bra.
Then Pinkie pressed herself tight against Twilight’s chest, bringing one knee up over Twilight’s stomach. There was a pause.
“Twilight, are you still wearing jeans?”
“... yes?”
“To bed.” Pinkie managed to make a giggle that was outraged. Scandalized.
Twilight shifted. “Well, I mean…” She paused. “Could you?”
“Could I what?” Pinkie blinked. Her eyes were already so much drier than they had been, even if her voice was still weak from crying.
“Take them off for me.” Twilight’s eyes screwed shut without her knowing why she did it. “So I know it’s okay.”
Pinkie threw the blanket off them for a moment. One hand was enough for Pinkie to unbutton Twi’s jeans, unzip them. One thumb under the waistband was enough to slip them, leaving the other arm free to stay wrapped around Twilight’s shoulders.
But then Pinkie planted a kiss on Twilight’s neck. And that hand that had been around Twi’s shoulders had just undone Twi’s bra strap, which went sailing off the bed a second later. And two kisses on Twilight’s hip were enough to distract her from the fact that the hands went past her waistband, peeled her underwear down with the same deft movement.
Pinkie stopped. “Is this okay for you?”
Twilight did a wriggle-squirm to get her clothes the rest of the way off, kicked them off the end of the bed. “Yes.” She managed to say, despite the fact that the breath came out like a tremor.
“Good.” Pinkie sighed contentedly, shifting her way back up the bed until she was tucked against Twi’s shoulder again. She rubbed her head against it and hugged Twi tight around her waist, pulling her close. “Thank you.”
One of Pinkie’s legs snaked along Twilight’s own, moving occasionally to find new ways to feel more skin to press against. The other was wrapped around Twilight’s far hip, pulling her closer. Pinkie sighed happily again.
And again, Twilight felt she should be happy with this - it was already so much more than she could have asked. But that made her need to know, more than anything else; how much more could they have, if she were brave enough to ask?
Twilight cupped her hand under Pinkie’s chin, lifted it. The touch was light as a feather, and Pinkie offered less than no resistance, lifting her head along the guide of the touch until they were both looking into each other’s eyes, just inches apart.
She closed her eyes and leaned in for the kiss. In a moment she was terrified this, finally, was the step too far, the line that shouldn’t be crossed. Her eyes flickered open, just to see Pinkie’s own eyes closed, her head tilted just-so.
And then Pinkie’s hands were around the back of Twilight’s head and she was pulled in the rest of the way. The kiss was gentle, far more gentle than Twilight had been ready for. Their lips barely opened, barely parted. Over too soon because both of them had long forgotten to breathe even before their lips had touched.
When Twilight opened her eyes again, all she could see was Pinkie’s smile, just as gentle as the kiss.
“That’s what you wanted, right?” Pinkie asked, and Twilight nodded - barely a nod. Pinkie kissed her cheek again. “Good. That’s what I wanted too.”
Pinkie let out a wonderful squeak when Twilight flipped her onto her back, Twilight holding herself in a push-up position directly over her. Smiled down at Pinkie from directly above, her bangs cascading down her face and falling into Pinkie’s curls.
“Hello.” Twilight breathed.
“Hi.” Pinkie smiled back. There was the ghost of tears in her eyes again, and Pinkie sniffled. Before Twilight could flinch away, Pinkie had a hand against the small of Twilight’s back, another touching the back of Twilight’s neck. Not holding her there, just… letting Twilight know that she was exactly where she was wanted. “Good crying. Just… everything feels so much right now. Sorry.”
“Why sorry?” Twilight spotted her target. Those wonderful, pronounced collarbones that sloped from Pinkie’s shoulder to her chest, that rose and fell with each breath Pinkie took under Twilight’s weight. She shifted her weight to one side, freeing one hand to trace the line of it with her fingertips.
Twilight pressed her fingernail against the inside edge of the bone, where it pulled away from the chest, and felt Pinkie shiver as she ran that slight-sharpness of her fingernail from Pinkie’s chest all the way out to her shoulder.
Pinkie tilted her head instinctively up and away, biting her bottom lip and trying to keep a moan down. But Twilight wanted to hear it from her too badly. A sucking kiss, hard enough to leave a bruise, was enough to draw the suppressed moan all the way out, made it linger.
Along the faint red line she’d left with her fingertip, she peppered kisses back down the opposite direction, from the shoulder back to the bruise she’d place on Pinkie’s neck. Pinkie giggled again. “Sorry our first time is just you taking care of me.”
That lingering fear in the back of Twilight’s mind - that these boundaries could only be pushed tonight - surged electric to the front of her brain, and then snuffed out by the significance of first. “I’m trying not to feel selfish about how much I wanted this. It helps.”
Pinkie’s fingers brushed Twi’s cheek, distracting her from her kisses, making her look up as Pinkie began to run her fingers through Twilight’s hair, down her scalp, fingertips stroking that spot behind Twilight’s ear where that splitting headache had been. Twilight felt her eyes unfocus as she was relaxed, felt lingering adrenaline evaporate out of her wherever Pinkie’s fingertips touched. Made her feel lighter than she had been just a minute ago.
“I want to be selfless too.” Pinkie whispered, then drew Twilight in for what started as that same gentle kiss. But second by second it got more urgent, hungrier. Pinkie drew back slightly to open her mouth just a little wider, encouraging Twilight to match her. Then a little wider again. There was a rising urgency to it. Sloppier, less thoughtful. More desperate to just be pressed together.
Twilight felt a fingertip that wasn’t her own slide between her legs, touch her feather-light, but it was still enough she saw sparks, jumped like she’d been shocked. Pinkie sat up immediately, clutching the blanket up over her breast.
“Was that- Was that not okay?”
Twilight heaved a ragged laugh, trying to get her breath back. “Just didn’t expect it. Wasn’t ready for it.”
“But… you want to, right? I’m not-”
Kneeling on the bed, Pinkie’s head only came as far as Twilight’s chest. Twilight spread her knees a bit more and took one of Pinkie’s hands in two of her own in answer. Pinkie watched, mesmerized, as Twilight guided that hand down her chest, gave a shudder as she guided it around the curve of her stomach, and finally again, this time when she was ready for it.
This time Twilight’s eyes shut tight. Too much stimulation, she had to close her eyes to allow her brain the space to process the overwhelming sense of touch.
Pinkie drew her hand away, still staring in fascination. Even from that light touch, pressing the tips of her fingers together joined them with thin, sticky stands that stretched surprisingly far. “Wow. Because of me...?”
Again, for once in her life, Twilight felt actions would have to speak louder than words. Speech had shut down to make room for touch and smell and taste. Twilight took that hand in her own again, and took Pinkie’s fingers into her mouth, holding Pinkie’s gaze as much as she could - she could barely keep her eyes open - and sucking them down to the knuckle, licking her clean.
Pinkie swallowed hard enough you could see all the muscles in her neck tense from the effort. Twilight reached out with one hand and traced the tensing lines of Pinkie’s neck with her fingertips, following down to her breasts, her-
“Wait.” Pinkie caught Twi’s wrist and laughed, “You’re not being fair!”
“Fair?” Twilight held both Pinkie’s hands in hers, locked them against Pinkie’s chest and loomed over her. Pinkie squealed and tried to pull her hands away, but Twilight wouldn’t let go. “This is my revenge, I don’t need to be fair.”
“Revenge?” Pinkie played the part of the damsel perfectly, with shimmering eyes and a quivering lip, and a sense she was about to break down into another fit of giggles at any second. “For what??”
“For all the time I had the biggest crush on you, and you just… Made breakfast wearing only an apron! ‘Forgot’ to wear a towel coming out of the shower! Just being all hot and sexy and naked all up in my business-”
Pinkie ‘tried’ to pull her hands away from Twilight, made a show of it. “You did not just say that!”
“Hot and sexy and naked all up in my business,” Twilight repeated. The wriggling gave her the momentum she needed to take both of Pinkie’s wrists and push them above her head, crossed against the headboard. She straddled Pinkie’s waist as she did, enjoyed the view of Pinkie staring up at her.
Pinkie stopped pretending to struggle. She was just biting her bottom lip now, but there was a wicked mischief in her eye, even pinned like this. “You know you’re an idiot, right?”
“Oh?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“What if I liked you, but thought you weren’t interested because you were just all… chill about it!”
“I was not chill! When have I ever been ‘chill’?” Twilight shot back, pressing her forehead to Pinkie’s. Both pretending to be mad at each other to cover that they were mad at themselves. “I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable!”
“Well!” Pinkie pouted, “Maybe I wanted to make you uncomfortable!” She screwed her eyes shut and tried to turn her face away as much as Twilight’s pin would let her. “Maybe just a little?”
Twilight mock gasped, exaggerated it to a cartoonish degree to cover for the real shock she was feeling. “Pinkie, were you trying to seduce me?”
“Not always! I was just really comfy a lot of the time but…” Pinkie only dared open one eye, and gosh how pink her face was right now. “Not… none of the time.”
Twilight owed Sunset Shimmer an apology.
“Well, now that we know we both want this,” Twilight had to put a lot of work in to make sure she didn’t sound disappointed, “We don’t have to do this now. We can wait. I mean, I know you just…”
Pinkie twisted her face away as much as she was able. Somehow went even pinker. “Actually, he wasn’t really all that… I was kind of… he just kind of left me worked up.”
Twilight blinked. And, because she was exceptionally clever, she made a connection. “Pinkie!” She kissed Pinkie’s cheek, to encourage her to stop hiding her face so much. It didn’t work. “Are you telling me that you were pretending to sleep so you could… finish what you’d started?”
Pinkie squeaked. Got it in one.
“I’d love to help.” Twilight whispered into Pinkie’s ear, nibbling her earlobe while she had the chance. Pinkie shuddered, then pouted.
“This is what I meant by you being unfair!” Pinkie groaned. “I finally get you to notice me, and now you’re being so nice, and making it all about me!”
“Yes,” Twilight nibbled her earlobe again, giggling. “And?”
“I want to make you feel good, too!” Pinkie protested.
Twilight considered that. Hummed in thought. “Nah.”
Pinkie thumped her head against the pillow. It was all she could do, with Twilight pinning her how she was. “Nah?!”
“Maybe later.” Twilight amended. “I’ve decided I’m going to be selfish, and hog all the selflessness to myself for a bit.”
“No!” Pinkie giggle-squeaked again, trying to unbind her hands. “I want to spoil you!”
Twilight sat up again, keeping Pinkie’s waist pinned. She needed a better angle to slip a hand between Pinkie’s legs, enjoyed the sharp gasp she got even from just the light touch. She began to trace Pinkie’s lips, watching Pinkie get indignant. “What are you going to do about it?”
Pinkie closed her eyes and sighed happily. “This is nice.”
Content with her victory, Twilight finally let Pinkie’s hands go. They stayed crossed against the headboard for a moment - a reluctance Twilight noted for later - before finding their way to Twilight’s hips, sliding across her stomach.
“You’re really pretty.” Pinkie whispered, low enough that Twilight almost didn’t hear it. The fact that it was just something Pinkie was saying for her own benefit - like she was just appreciating what she had - made Twilight’s heart beat faster.
Twilight rewarded her for it by slipping two fingers inside. Pinkie melted at the intense new touch, responded in turn by moving her hands up to cup Twilight’s breasts above her. Twilight was surprised by just how sensitive they were, how different it felt when it was someone else’s hands.
“Hold on.” Twilight took a breath. “As much as it’s really fun riding you like this… do you admit defeat? Can I change position without you trying to mutiny?”
Pinkie nodded. “I’ll be good.”
“You better.” Twilight warned, moving off of Pinkie and lying beside her. Pinkie giggled again when Twilight flipped her again, snuggling into Pinkie’s back and assuming the role of big spoon again. This time though while she kept Pinkie’s head resting on one arm, her other hand had a much better angle to slide over Pinkie’s hips, and back between her legs. She pressed the heel of her palm just above Pinkie’s clit, kept pressure there, was rewarded for it with a deep and throaty purr.
“Better?”
Pinkie’s answer was just noises of happiness, and a shift to snuggle even deeper into Twilight. She kept her strokes slow and languid. She wasn’t in any rush.
“I love you, by the way.” Twilight whispered in Pinkie’s ear. Pinkie twisted her head as much as she could to look back.
“Don’t make me start crying again.” Pinkie choked. “I love you too. I love you so much.”
Twilight changed tact, choosing to circle Pinkie’s clit instead, using her index finger to expose it from its hood, and her middle finger to trace circles around its edge, careful not to brush directly over it. Not yet.
“Not just because you are so good at that.” Pinkie added, gasping. “I love you more now, though.”
They kissed over Pinkie’s shoulder. This wasn’t hungry, like before, but comfortable. Three times they kissed, slow, barely opening their mouths. But it was perfect.
Then Pinkie’s breaths started getting shorter. She was rocking her hips into Twilight’s hands now, eyes closed like she was concentrating. Twilight switched to working the clit with her thumb as she pressed both fingers inside again, stroked like she was making a ‘come here’ gesture. Pinkie squeaked the loudest she had so far.
Pinkie grabbed a pillow and held it to her chest as tight as she could, smushing her face into the top of it. “You’re close huh?” Twilight teased, and Pinkie nodded into her pillow. “Take your time. I’ve been thinking about this for so long, I’m in no rush for it to end. So you take as long as you need-”
That was all Pinkie needed. Her muscles seized and Twilight felt her fingers get crushed against Pinkie’s pelvis, too tight to pull them out. She eased up with her thumb, but didn’t stop, trying to draw the orgasm out for as long as she could. Pinkie’s twitching pushed her tighter into Twilight's cuddle, though.
After a few seconds Pinkie broke out in a peel manic laughter. Her curls were thick with sweat, now, and every few seconds she made a gulping sound as her laughter was broken by another twitch, another spasm. “T-that was r-r-reaally, guh, good.” She managed, on her third try.
“To think, you didn’t want to let me spoil you first.” Twilight teased. “That was nice.”
Pinkie nodded, nuzzled back into her. “Thank you.”
A pause. Eventually Pinkie rolled over in Twilight’s arms, faced her with watery eyes. She had been crying again, a little. Or maybe it was just the… exertion that did it.
“You thought about this for ages, huh?”
Now it was Twilight’s turn to blush. “Maybe.”
Pinkie giggled. “Did you ever…?”
“No! Never.” Twilight assured her, and Pinkie looked extremely disappointed.
“Aww. ‘Cause, you know.” Those shimmering eyes sparkled. “I did. A few times.”
Twilight blinked. “Wait. Really?”
“Oh yeah. I even got a little purple vibrator in my room. I’ll have to introduce you two.” Pinkie kissed Twilight’s cheek.
Twilight paused. “Well. Am I allowed to now?”
Pinkie stared at her. Thought about it. “Hmm. No.”
Twilight whapped her over the head with the pillow a few times, and Pinkie flailed valiantly against it. “No?? No?! Why not?”
“Because! If you’re thinking about me, I want you to tell me.” Pinkie giggled. “That sounds much more fun.”
Twilight put the pillow down. Flushed. “Oh.”
“Actually, I changed my mind,” Pinkie peppered her cheeks with kisses again. “Do it whenever you want, just tell me after. So I know.”
“Okay.” Twilight closed her eyes. “I can… I’d like that.”
“Good!” One last kiss. “Twilight?”
“Yeah?”
“We’re girlfriends now, right?” Pinkie sounded nervous. As if there was still a chance Twilight could possibly say no.
“I mean,” Twilight laughed at how ridiculous that was, “I’d like it if we were.”
“Good.” Pinkie nodded her head once with absolute seriousness. “I’d like that too.”
“Well. We agree then. We’re dating, and we both like that.”
Pinkie smiled, and yawned. Then looked horrified at herself for yawning. “No! You wore me out! That’s not fair! It was supposed to be my turn!”
Twilight kissed Pinkie’s forehead. “I win.”
“I’m-” Pinkie yawned again, pressing her head under Twilight’s chin and curling up in a ball against her, knees tucked up to her chest and curled into Twilight’s stomach, “I’ll get you for this. Promise-promise.”
“Take your time.” Twilight smiled. “Love you?”
“Love you…” and Pinkie was asleep, for real this time, before she could say the last word. Maybe it would have been ‘too’ but, knowing Pinkie, it was probably ‘more’.
Which was obviously impossible, because Twilight loved her the most.
“Hey, Twilight,” Pinkie popped her head out of the fridge. “We’re out of milk. Black with sugar okay?”
Pinkie had offered to make Twilight a cup of tea. Pinkie was also naked.
They’d been living together for a while now, but for as often as it happened, it still had an affect on Twilight. She just did her best to make sure Pinkie didn’t notice.
“Sure.” Twilight tried to keep focusing on her book. Their apartment was open plan, so she had a totally unobstructed view of the kitchen from where she was reading in the living room, which was not helping. “I’ll get some more.”
“Get something for dinner too,” Pinkie suggested, closing the fridge door with a hip bump, “I’m happy to cook, I just can’t think of anything.”
It was a really interesting book. Ever since she found out that - out there in the multiverse - there was a pretty pony princess version of her, Twilight had gotten more interested in the soft sciences. Politics and economics and philosophy and law, leadership stuff, and she’d learned she really liked it.
Sunset Shimmer had recommended it. It had lines like “Evil is the moment when I lack the strength to be true to the Good that compels me”, which really resonated with her.
The problem was that Pinkie being naked was more interesting. All the sugar she ate kept her soft, but her job as a baker kept her on her feet all day, and kept Pinkie deceptively toned. Kneading dough for hours, and moving heavy equipment around all day, had given her strong shoulders, and a pronounced collarbone that made Twilight’s mouth go dry.
She hadn’t even known she was into collarbones like that, until they’d moved in together. Apparently that’s what did it for her now.
The Good in Twilight wanted to focus on her book, and not stare at Pinkie as she moved comfortably around the kitchen, making tea. Reaching up to grab the box from the high shelf above the kettle on tippy-toes, which made all the muscles from her ankles to her neck tense up just so, especially her-
Was it Evil of her to think that Pinkie’s butt was far more interesting than her book? Twilight hoped not, but she definitely felt bad about it. Stars above knew she lacked the strength not to look at least a little bit.
“What’re you thinking?” Pinkie asked, looking over her shoulder. Twilight fought against the reflex to pretend she’d just been reading. It was normal to look when someone asked you a question, even if they were naked.
“About what?”
“For dinner.” Pinkie grabbed the box down, put it in the teapot next to the kettle. Twilight took a breath.
“Udon in miso?” It was the first thing she could think of.
“Super easy!” There was rising steam as Pinkie poured the drinks. She took the jar of sugar and eyeballed two teaspoons worth each. “Sounds good.”
“You don’t want to come with?” Twilight tried her best just to sound curious.
“You’re just already dressed is all.” Pinkie shrugged. “I figured you wouldn’t want to wait up, since I know you got lunch plans.”
Twilight wanted to take every chance to spend time with Pinkie she could get. But if she didn’t ask, there was a very good chance that Pinkie would still not have bothered to put clothes on when she got back from lunch with Sunset, which would be…
“I’m always happy to wait for you.” Twilight smiled, flicking the little devil off her shoulder as Pinkie brought their drinks over to the coffee table. At the last second before putting them down, Pinkie remembered to grab coasters.
Twilight had never once told Pinkie to put things on coasters. Pinkie had just noticed, while they were living together, that Twilight would quietly grab one every time, and had been making an effort without Twilight having to ask.
“I wanted to get some ice cream or something, but I didn’t want to ask.” Pinkie disappeared into her bedroom. “I’m thinking cherry ripple!”
“Sounds good,” Twilight called back, noticing that Pinkie hadn’t closed her bedroom door to get changed. Because why would she, at this point? Twilight only had to lean over the side of the couch a little to see into Pinkie’s room down the hallway, could see Pinkie choose a polka-dot bra and underwear before throwing a sundress over it.
She took a sip of her tea. Her nose crinkled up when the steam from it fogged up her glasses, and she wiped them with the cotton sleeve of her t-shirt.
Just another day of having the biggest crush in the world on her roommate, and trying not to make it weird.
Pinkie draped herself around Twilight’s back, arms wrapped around Twilight’s shoulders, her left cheek pressed to Twilight’s right. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Twilight froze. Pinkie was ridiculously warm, even after ferreting around the freezer section.
“They don’t have cherry ripple, so help me pick.” Pinkie nuzzled Twilight. “Strawberries and cream, or sticky date?”
“The pink one, obviously.” Twilight tried not to think about how Pinkie smelled like honeydew melon and caramel, or what an interesting combination that was. Obviously failed.
“Obviously!” Pinkie threw her arms up, wheeling herself back off to the freezer section. “Like there was ever a choice!”
Then she was gone.
Twilight checked her basket. Udon, miso, some bonito flakes, some spinach. That was it, right, what they’d come here for? Right.
No, she had definitely forgotten something.
She made her way to the register anyway, where Pinkie was already waiting for her with her tub of ice cream. Pinkie moved fast, when she wanted to.
Pinkie looked at Twilight’s basket, took it off her. “Milk.”
Twilight blinked. Looked at the basket in Pinkie’s hand. “The thing we actually came here to get.”
“Dork.” Pinkie teased, already standing to wait in the checkout line.
Twilight spun on her heel and made for the fridge section. By the time she’d got a quart and come back, Pinkie was already finished at the register, had already gotten her purse out.
“I got it.” Twilight offered, but she couldn’t even start to reach for the wallet in her jeans until she’d put the milk down. The last item to be bagged. Pinkie had won, and she knew it.
“Don’t worry about it.” Pinkie tapped her card, giving the warmest smile she could to the kid working the checkout. “I’m cooking, so it’s my stuff.”
“Pinkie that-” Suddenly all Twilight could think about was polka dots, and she shook her head. “That means I should cover it.”
“No it doesn’t, ‘cause I like cooking. So there.” Pinkie stuck her tongue out, and Twilight caught herself staring at it a second too long. She tried her best not to think about polka dots, and when she thought about them anyway, she tried to be subtle about it.
Pinkie laughed when she saw Twilight trying to hide her stupid grin. “Can’t handle how I’m always right, huh?”
“It’s statistically impossible.” Twilight said in her best ‘nerd voice’ as she pushed her glasses up her nose. “Yet here we are.”
That got a better laugh out of Pinkie.
Truth was, Pinkie worked a full time job, and Twilight was living off a student stipend while she studied. She barely had enough to cover her share of the bills and rent as it was. Pinkie still always made it seem like Twilight was doing her a favour by letting her cover things.
“Hey Twilight,” Pinkie said as she took one bag of groceries for herself, and passed the other over, ”have you ever seen an elephant in a bikini?”
That spectacularly derailed Twilight’s train of thought. “Never. Why?”
“Of course you haven’t.” Pinkie kept her face absolutely straight. “Because they only wear trunks.”
It was embarrassing how hard Twilight laughed at that.
Sunset took a big bite of her haloumi burger, then wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her leather jacket and let it drop back to her plate. “I don’t get it. Why don’t you just tell Pinkie it makes you uncomfortable when she does stuff like that?”
“Because it doesn’t.” Twilight saw the look Sunset was giving her and corrected herself, “I mean it shouldn’t. It’s my problem, not hers.”
“Right.” Sunset said in that way that meant she clearly thought Twilight was an idiot. “She’s not Dash, you know. She’d actually care if this stuff was bothering you.”
Twilight picked up her own burger, stared at it. Field mushrooms and mozzarella with hot sauce. Usually her favourite, but instead she just picked at some of her fries. “How is living with Dash, anyway?”
Sunset snorted. “I’m lucky if she bothers putting a towel on after she showers. I have to do dishes and laundry or it never gets done. Every time it’s her turn to cook, she orders takeout. And we have to leave the balcony door unlocked so she can get in if she forgets her keys.”
“Your balcony on the third floor?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and I swear sometimes she ‘forgets’ her keys on purpose just so she’s got the excuse.” Sunset took another bite of her burger and stared off at nothing out the diner window. “Never a dull moment, anyway.”
“Sounds fun.” Twilight said it thick with sarcasm, but Sunset just looked wistful. Gave another shrug.
“You’d think it’d bother me more, but honestly, she lets me blast music at weird hours and she’d bury a body for me without question. I don’t sweat the small stuff.” Another big bite of her burger, before Twilight had touched hers. Chewed while she thought. “Okay, next question.”
“What?”
“Why don’t you just, ask her out?” Sunset licked her fingers, and Twilight nibbled at her second fry. “Like a normal person.”
“Pinkie’s not into me.” Fire hot, water wet, Twilight wasn’t Pinkie’s type.
Apparently Sunset wasn’t as convinced. “How do you know?”
“Because! You think she’d be so touchy feely and stuff with me all the time if she was?” As soon as Twilight said it, Sunset squinted at her, like she was trying to work out the politest way to say something and not finding any good answers. Twilight rolled her eyes. “She’s like that because she’s comfortable with me, crushes aren’t comfortable.”
“Well, just because you get all weird about it.” Still, Sunset suddenly didn’t look as convinced as she was a few seconds ago. “I get what you’re saying though. I was just thinking…”
“What?”
Sunset sighed, and gave up on finding the polite way to say it. “Twilight, you know you’re a bit dense right? Like, it’s not-” Sunset stopped, noted Twilight’s shocked expression, walked back a bit, “Listen. I would totally buy it that a girl could strip naked and throw herself at you, and you’d still think she just meant it in a friend way.”
“Hey! That’s not- is it?” Twilight managed to take her first bite of her burger, just to have something to sink her teeth into. “Name one time.” She said with her mouth full.
“You know Rainbow still talks about the time she had a crush on you, right?”
Twilight choked on her bite of burger, coughed and spluttered for a few seconds before she finally managed to swallow it down properly. “Rainbow had a crush on me?”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Yeah, exactly.”
“But Rainbow’s-”
“Subtle as a bag of hammers, brains to match?” Sunset again saw Twilight’s reaction to that and walked herself back. “Hey, I live with her. She saw you could cook fish in the dishwasher online, and she tried to do it without wrapping it in foil or anything. And she put soap in, because she thought the dishwasher wouldn’t turn on if she didn’t.”
“Okay, point taken.” Twilight sighed. “Really? When did she like me?”
“Just after highschool, for a while. It was ages ago.” Sunset shrugged again. “Anyway. Point is, you’re not really good at picking up on hints. And you’re better than you give yourself credit for. Mind if I steal some of your fries?”
Twilight pushed her plate closer to the middle of the table, and Sunset took one. Twilight focused on eating her own burger for a bit. Her stomach felt a lot less twisted than it did before she started talking to Sunset.
They ate in silence for a little bit.
“Hey,” Twilight finally thought to ask, “You talked to Pinkie about this?”
“Not really.” Sunset paused reaching for another chip, shifted uncomfortably in her booth. “I talk to her less than Applejack, these days. Everyone’s just so busy, you know?”
“I can’t even remember the last time I hung out with Rarity, and we both keep trying.” Twilight sighed. “I know what you mean. It’d just…”
“Just be easier if you knew Pinkie had complained to me about you not getting all the hints she’s laying down?”
“Yeah.” Twilight admitted.
“Sorry, but that’s going to have to come from you.” Sunset shrugged. “How’re you liking that book I gave you?”
Books! Twilight felt like a ship in safe harbour again. “I’m really liking what I understand of it! Some of it’s going way over my head, though.”
“If you like it, he’s got a more famous essay which has a line I really like. Love without risk is an impossibility, like war without death. It’s a little grim, but it’s also kind of metal, you know?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow as high as her face would allow. “Rainbow’s really rubbing off on you, huh?” She tried to take another bite of her burger.
“Not as much as you want to rub off with Pinkie, I bet.” Sunset snickered.
”Wow!” Twilight glared, which just made Sunset laugh harder. “That’s a yes.”
“Twilight, you’re old enough to be halfway through a Masters degree,” Sunset rolled her eyes, “you know nobody’s going to judge you if you want more than just cuddling on the couch, right?”
Twilight was about to say something really snippy, but she filled her mouth with food instead, and took the time to chew to work through the first three kneejerk responses. The truth was she’d just got defensive because she didn’t know that. “Really?”
Sunset’s eyes softened, and suddenly her hand was on Twilight’s across the table. “Oh, honey. It’s okay if that is all you want. But you’re allowed to want more, you know?”
“It’s just…” Twilight tried to work out the best way to explain it, and as soon as she worked it out, she laughed at the absurdity of it. It hadn’t seemed absurd to her until now. “I stared at her butt before and I thought it was Evil.”
Sunset nodded in total understanding. “You’d read the bit about strength, right?”
“Yeah.”
“That was a really good one.” Sunset shrugged, like she was suddenly hyperaware of her jacket being too big. It wasn’t, but that’s how it looked. “Look, I know it’s uncomfortable, but have you like, thought about her? You know.”
“You mean when I…?” Twilight trailed off, and Sunset didn’t even nod, but it was clear it was what she meant. “I don’t do that.” Twilight lied.
“Liar.” Sunset shot back, stealing another of Twilight’s fries.
“Okay!” Twilight felt herself blush to the tip of her ears and hated it. “Maybe I do. But I really haven’t, you know... It seemed… rude.”
Sunset snorted, then looked appalled at herself for having done it, and squeezed Twilight’s hand reassuringly again. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, it’s very you. It’s sweet.”
“Thanks.” She didn’t mean to sound as bitter as she did, but she couldn’t help it.
“You should, though.” Sunset held Twilight’s hand firm as she said it, meant it. “You know, maybe it’ll help you figure out how you feel. Or maybe you already know how you feel, and it’ll help you work out what to do about it. But you shouldn’t feel guilty just for having feelings, you know?”
“Maybe-”
Sunset cut her off before she could start. “If you make a joke about wanting to not have feelings, I’m going to make you read German philosophers just so you can understand the burns I’m going to smack you down with.”
Twilight groaned and slid down in her booth. That was exactly the joke she was going to make, but it wasn’t going to be a joke. “How do you live with Rainbow Dash, play electric guitar, wear a leather jacket, and still be more literate than me?”
Sunset grimaced. “Awesome that I can make a Twilight feel like that. Imagine how the Princess makes me feel.”
“You’re crushing hard too, huh?” Twilight teased, and Sunset glared daggers back at her, which just made Twilight laugh harder. That’d been a blind shot, but apparently it’d hit. Sunset threw a fry at Twilight’s head, and they both broke down into giggles.
Twilight felt a lot better when she got home than when she left. Just getting permission to feel like she did helped. It made it a lot easier to not be weird about it when she didn’t feel like she needed to hide it so much.
She could take it slow, maybe not deflect so much. Initiate more hugs, be more relaxed around the apartment. Be a bit more expressive about her feelings without worrying about making a big dramatic confession or anything.
‘Just don’t be weird’. Easier said than done, but nothing worth doing was ever easy.
“Hey Twi-Twi!” Pinkie sang out from the kitchen. “You’re back? How was Sunset?”
“Hey, Pinkie. She’s good, I think. Apparently Rainbow tried to cook fish in the dishwasher and she had to clean it up.”
Pinkie snort-laughed. “And that’s good?”
“Yeah, I think so.” Twilight rounded the entrance foyer. Pinkie was dressed up, a black rockabilly dress that fanned out into a pink skirt, with a matching pink belt. “You look… Amazing?”
“Thanks!” Pinkie did a spin, twirling the skirt out. “I got a date tonight. There’s this guy, and he’s like... ” Pinkie trailed off, smiling nervously. “I’m kind of hoping things end up back here tonight? So I really wanted something that screams ‘sweep me off my feet’, you know?”
Or Twilight could just walk into the ocean, never to be seen ever again.
“Lucky guy,” she said instead, opening the fridge door and pretending to look for something. Mostly she just wanted something to hide behind for a few seconds before her soul stopped trying to escape her body. “How long you’ve been seeing him?”
“This is only the second, like, date-date. But we’ve been messaging heaps, and he’s really funny, and cool, and he’s a pilot! He says he’s going to take me flying.” Pinkie twirled again.
Twilight grabbed a beer out of the fridge. Just one - no need to get all Coping Mechanism about this. She twisted it open, enjoyed the sound of the hiss. “How’d you meet?”
Pinkie reached into her handbag, pulled her phone out. She swiped it a couple of times, then passed it over. It was an online dating profile. Twilight noted that of the three pictures on Pinkie’s profile, Twilight had taken two of them. The third involved a bathroom mirror, and was a lot more risque. Not one you ask a friend to take for you.
Because Twilight was feeling especially masochistic, she checked Pinkie’s listed orientation. Bi, of course. It was just that all the the profile pictures on her recent message popups were guys. Also of course. When 90% of the population was straight, one side of your dating pool was ten times bigger.
It just meant that if she was Pinkie’s type, there wasn’t evidence of it here. Enough to know she had a chance, but not how good the odds were.
She looked up. Pinkie was waiting for her phone back, but she was obviously appreciating Twilight’s interest. “I was about to give up on it, because it’s really not as fun as I thought it looked,” Pinkie admitted, “but I’m glad I stuck it out a little longer.”
“Well. Good luck tonight? I hope everything goes well.”
“Thanks!” Pinkie looked over Twilight’s shoulder, into the living room. “That book you’re reading’s really French, huh?”
Twilight snorted. “I guess it is. You looked?”
“I skimmed it. The Wikipedia page was way easier to understand though.” Pinkie laughed, and then she laughed again at Twilight’s confused reaction. “Having good ideas doesn’t make you good at explaining them.”
“I was struggling with it,” Twilight admitted, looking at it. “I just thought it was going over my head.”
“It makes it way easier if you already know what it’s trying to say.” Pinkie suggested. “Turns out this guy also wrote a philosophy of love that’s a big deal. Extremely French. The Frenchiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Sunset mentioned that.The love thing, not the… French thing.” Twilight rubbed the back of her neck, and that got a giggle out of Pinkie. “I worked that out for myself.”
“I liked the love one a lot more.” Pinkie offered a nervous smile, like she immediately regretted saying that. “I mean, I didn’t read it all, so don’t test me on it! I just liked what I did read. It helped me understand why online dating was bumming me out, at least.”
“I’ll read it tonight. It’ll give me something to do while you’re on your date.” Twilight did her level best to sound supportive, and she was proud she managed to pull it off.
She was rewarded for her effort with one last, tight hug. “I should get going. Dinner’s on the stove for you, though. I’ll see you when I see you?” She asked it like she was asking permission.
What else could Twilight say? She was a day late and a dollar short to have found her courage. “I just hope this guy appreciates you as much as I do.”
Pinkie kissed Twilight’s cheek on the way past. “Keep hoping, nobody could.”
And just like that, she was gone, and Twilight was alone, left touching her cheek.
“But what is love without risk?” She asked herself, as she stumbled her way to her bedroom. She took her laptop out to the living room and began to search for the book that Sunset had taken that quote from, the one that Pinkie recommended.
This time, though, she made sure to read the Wikipedia page first. It really did help.
Twilight took her glasses off and massaged the growing headache, building tension pushing out fracturing pains in spirals around the sides of her head.
It was good. It was really good. It’s just that how it described love made her ache, like a woman starved for so long she had forgotten her own hunger until she’d had food described to her in such overwhelming detail, and the sudden new awareness overwhelmed her. But the description did nothing to sate her need.
It described love as not between two same people, but in two different people whose view of the world complimented the other, and who found that the differences between them caused them to experience the world in two different ways, and so by understanding each other deeply, they doubled their own experiences. It was a way more appealing idea than finding someone like her, and she hadn’t thought of it that way before.
It was also an impossible expectation. Unfair to put on anyone, to ask from anyone. Twilight could only imagine it as something you learned you had without ever having asked. She ached for it.
What seemed smaller, more comprehensible, was how it described desire. It’s just that it also made desire sound so lonely and selfish.
The biggest offender was a line pinging from side to side of her bursting skull.
“Desire focuses on the other, always in a somewhat fetishist manner, on a particular object, like the buttocks. Love focuses on the very being as it has erupted into one’s life, disrupted and re-fashioned it.”
“She was naked in the kitchen!” Twilight hissed at the document on her laptop. “First I’m Evil for looking, now I’m fetishistically objectifying her because I was looking at her butt? This is why I was going to major in electrical engineering! Nobody even thinks about ethics in electrical engineering!”
Another one, another wince of pain as light stabbed behind her right eye as an ice pick.
“In sex, you are really in a relationship with yourself via the mediation of the other. The other helps you to discover the reality of pleasure. In love, on the contrary, the mediation of the other is enough in itself.”
“What if I think sex would be really nice just because I love her so much? Huh?” Twilight sneered at her laptop. She’d only had one beer, but she was embarrassingly lightweight. Even that was enough to make her tipsy enough to pick a fight with her laptop, tonight. “Is that enough mediation of the other for you?”
Twilight gave up and checked the WikiQuotes, to see if there was something in the paper she could rub its own nose in.
"I love you" becomes: in this world where there is the fount you are for my life. In the water from this fount, I see our bliss, yours first.
“There, see!” Twilight highlighted the line. “That! That’s hot! Am I not allowed to get turned on by that?!”
Still, that wasn’t good enough. Twilight stood up off the couch and turned to her laptop.
“She is the most different person in the world to me, but that’s why she’s so…” Twilight trailed off. She started up again, “She makes me see things in a way I never could on my own. Okay? And, and she never thinks about how much she thinks about me, even though I don’t tell her I notice because… because I’m scared.”
The anger, the indignation, washed out of her all at once, the moment she said it. She was aware of just how exhausted she was underneath it.
“Why am I scared?”
Twilight stalked through the apartment like a grim spectre, aiming for the bathroom. She flicked the light on and closed the door behind her as she moved to catch her weight against the basin, reaching for the medicine cabinet behind it. She pounded back a painkiller and washed it down with deep gulps of tap water, wiping the spray from her lips.
“Why am I scared?” she repeated to her mirror self. Her regular mirror self, not the other one.
“Because if you just ‘desire’ her, then you feel like you’re just trying to get something from her.” It answered. Her reflection’s eyes widened in shock, and Twilight remembered she was still only talking to herself. She just hadn’t expected her own answer.
“She gives me too much as it is,” she told herself again, “Even though I don’t give enough back…”
“Now you’re actually thinking about it. You’ve been thinking desiring her means you don’t love her, when the reason you’re scared that desiring her is selfish is because you love her. They’re clearly not mutually exclusive. And now you’re realizing it sounds like she might love you back, but you had to go and keep deflecting whenever she showed it.”
Twilight didn’t know what to say to that. So, obviously, she resorted to lashing out. “Yeah, I’m sure she’s thinking about how much she loves me while she’s on a date with some guy. It’s nearly midnight and she’s not back yet so it’s obviously going well.”
She sighed, and leaned against the basin again. It was just her in here. She was just fighting herself again. At least the painkillers were starting to kick in. Or maybe it had just been dehydration. She rubbed her eyes again.
“So what do I do now?”
She didn’t need to talk to her reflection this time to know the answer.
She had to be honest about her feelings, and how she acted on them. As long as she focused so hard on hiding her crush, the relationship they had wasn’t… true.
If she really wanted to share a view of the world with Pinkie, then the false view she gave was all that could be given back to her. Twilight felt an indescribable sense of loss at the thought, for a moment eclipsing her fear of rejection, of distance.
And when she felt those fears push back, she did her best not to give them ground again. She loved her best friend, and she was loved back in her own way, and that was enough if she let it be enough - but that didn’t mean she had to feel guilty for wanting more.
Maybe telling Pinkie would mean she wasn’t going to be as comfortable around the apartment anymore. But at least Twilight wouldn’t have to pretend it didn’t affect her, either.
Twilight sighed. She went back to the living room, picked up the single empty bottle of beer she’d drank, and threw it in the kitchen recycling bin with prejudice.
“Next time, French essays or Belgian beer.” She grimaced. “Not both.”
She slunk off to her room to sleep it off. She didn’t even bother to undress before crawling into bed and pulling a pillow tight over her head.
Twilight woke up to the sounds of Pinkie’s date going very well. Rolling over to check her phone, it was still only four am. And she wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep until they finished.
Which just left Twilight staring up at a point far past her ceiling, at the universe itself.
“Tonight. Tonight is when you do this.” She pulled the pillow back over her face, but it did nothing to muffle the sound cutting through two bedroom doors. “After I do all the soulsearching, rip and tear a conclusion from myself, but before I can do anything about it. Or learn how to deal with it.”
There was the unmistakable sound of Pinkie being spanked, and a sharp gasp. Did Pinkie like that sort of thing? Twilight hoped not, her fantasies were all cuddling, whispering in ears, giggling. Soft things.
Maybe it was good that Pinkie preferred it rough? Maybe knowing Pinkie didn’t want what she wanted would make it easier to deal with wanting her at all?
“Hey, hey, gentle!” Pinkie sing-song teased her date. “More like this…”
Twilight took the pillow off her face and squinted in disbelief up at that fixed point in the center of the universe. “Really just twisting the knife here, huh?”
Worst of all, it was turning her on, which she did not need.
“We are not going there.” She warned her traitorous body. “You really think that’d end well?”
Under the warm covers, her body didn’t care for the question. It made her listen to Pinkie making noises that were important to remember, because it was a detail easier to remember than imagine, later. She couldn’t act on it now. Otherwise she’d get too caught up in her jealousy, spend too much time wondering after a guy she didn’t want to think about.
As Rainbow would put it, it’d harsh her vibes.
Was it her imagination, or was the apartment shaking a little? How much was the creaking of bedsprings real, and how much was her just trying to hear what she was expecting to hear?
“You know what?” Twilight unfolded herself from bed, “I need ice cream.”
She put on the thickest wool socks she could from the drawers next to her bed. Most of the apartment between her and the kitchen was carpeted, but now she was paranoid about stepping quietly. Besides, the kitchen tiles got cold at night. Only then did she get up.
Ghostly-quiet she turned the doorknob, winced when it clicked and the hinges of her door creaked. It was never this loud, during the day. After that it was a straight shot to the kitchen and-
She froze. Now she realized why everything seemed so much louder than it should. Pinkie’s bedroom door was open. The one you could see inside from the corridor to the living room. The corridor Twilight had to walk to get to the kitchen.
Twilight sighed and immediately considered just going back to bed and throwing a pillow over her head, but decided against it. There weren’t any lights on and, besides, those two were obviously distracted. All she had to do was keep her head straight, her eyes down, and talk to Pinkie about etiquette in the morning.
Just another frustration.
She avoided the temptation to look the whole way to the freezer. She kept an ear out, but apparently she was right about not getting noticed. Their ragged panting in the other room was much louder than her steps. At least the moon was full enough she could navigate the apartment pretty easily without having to turn any lights on. Even if that did make her more paranoid about getting spotted.
The kitchen was hidden, at least, and private. She took the ice cream and tried her best to get a bowl and spoon for it without making too much noise. The clink of porcelain sliding off the stack, the rattle of the cutlery draw both made her cringe.
It also didn’t help that they’d finished, at this point. Or at least he had, he made a sound like he’d been punched in the gut really hard. Charming.
Twilight felt ridiculous, but she couldn’t stop flinching at every sound she made as she took her bowl to the coffee table and sat on the part of the couch that you couldn’t see the hallway from.
She’d only gotten halfway through the bowl when she caught movement out the corner of her eye.
“Hello?”
The guy jumped half a foot in the air, grabbed his chest. “You scared the shit out of me. Twilight, right? I’m Cedar.”
“Pinkie’s mentioned me, then.” Twilight smiled. Considered offering him some fruit but decided she didn’t feel like sharing right now. Being rude did not come naturally, though. “What’re you looking for?”
Cedar rolled his eyes, but there was a ghost of a smile there. “Yeah, she uh, she talks about you a lot actually.”
Wow! That would have been great to hear in any other context! “Bathrooms that way.” Twilight gestured with her thumb.
“I uh- Thanks.” The guy said, still heading towards the front door. The penny dropped on what was really happening.
“Oh, you asshole!” She hissed, rising off the couch.
Cedar took a step back, put a finger to his lips and hissed out a shush. “Hey, she just fell asleep. Listen, I just got work early is all-”
Twilight cut him off, but made sure her voice stayed to a whisper. “Well, I’m up now. So you go back in there, set an alarm, I’ll make you a coffee later, and I’ll call you a cab when you need it. We do that, Pinkie never has to hear about what you just tried to pull.”
There was a pause, and Cedar really did seem to think about that. But then he looked back at Pinkie’s bedroom and winced. “She’s really nice, isn’t she?”
“When she talks about people behind their back, she only says good things about them.” Twilight agreed, arms folded tight across her chest.
“But she is so high maintenance. And clingy, like, she has no idea what personal space is. And none of that would be so bad if she just… stopped, sometimes.” Cedar just sounded exhausted, more than anything. “You have to know what I mean, right, living with her and all.”
Twilight thought about that. What she thought was that she would do anything to have those problems, that she’d give all of that up to him if it meant that Pinkie didn’t get hurt tonight. But what came out of her mouth was; “You have five seconds to run, or I’m going to bite your face off.”
“I- What?” Cedar made the mistake of hesitating.
“Three seconds.” Twilight started closing the distance between them, balling a fist. Cedar’s eyes darted to her flexing fingers.
“Shit-” Cedar pulled his pants up tighter, zipped his fly, and beelined for the door. “Fuck, fine, whatever, just-”
Whatever he was going to say, he was already over the threshold. Twilight slammed the door in his face. Took a deep breath.
To hell with it. She punched the door. “Asshole.”
When she turned around, Pinkie was standing behind her in the corridor, silk boxers and a singlet for pajamas. Twilight froze.
“How much did you hear?”
Pinkie tried to give a reassuring smile. “All of it, I think. I wasn’t really asleep yet.”
That was when she started crying.
