The Voices Inside My Head

by Amilition

Rating: everyone
Tags: Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1770

Nightmare Moon is irritated by the two voices inside her head. The solution? Cheese.

Nightmare has it all. Everything she worked for is now hers. Equestria? Check. Eternal night? Double-check. But there's always a price to pay. For Nightmare Moon? It's the two voices in her head. But the solution may lie in the kitchen.

Featured 9/16/2021

Published 2021-09-15 19:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-15 19:40:00 UTC

To The Kitchen!

Nightmare Moon had won.

Equestria was hers, the world was cast in eternal night and all the Moon Pies were hers for the taking. So she should be pretty happy, right?

The unconscious noble that lay before her throne would say otherwise. She was, in fact, very. . . very irritable. But why?

"Y M C A! Something, something Y M C A~A!" A male voice sang in her head.

A pang in her head throbbed hearing the voice.

"Guards! Get this flesh bag out of my sight and then excuse yourselves from the room." She ordered, rubbing her head with a hoof.

The two bat-guards saluted and did as they were instructed. Walking over to the collapsed body, they grabbed them by their hind legs and started to drag the nobleman out of the room.

Then a second feminine voice joined in.

"Young sir, art thee listening to me?!"

Followed by the male voice again.

"I said, young man, what do you want to be~!?"

Nightmare's eye twitched.

Once the door to the throne room shut, Nightmare Moon let out a frustrated scream, cutting off the singing duo.

"Shut your mouth flaps, you insolent dirtbags!" She seethed.

It was quiet, but a drawn-out hum soon interrupted it.

"Luna, I have a feeling our buddy ol' pal Moonie ain't too happy."

"Tis appears so, Anonymous." Luna replied.

"I wonder why?" Anon said, humming.

"I said be quiet you heathen! Before I go in there and banish you myself!" Nightmare stomped her hoof in anger.

A scoff resounded in her mind.

"That's the payback I get for saving your hide from the magic Gay-Beam?"

"Elements of Harmony, Anonymous." Luna quietly corrected him.

"Harmony sharmony. Same thing."

"Sometimes I wish you hadn't. I would rather be upon the moon than deal with this!" Nightmare confessed, crossing her hooves in a mock pout.

"Hey, that's not fair to say. You get to move freely out there while I and Moon Toots, are stuck within the confines of your mind. Isn't that right, Luna?"

"Tis is correct."

She tapped her hoof impatiently. As much as she wanted to banish him to the deepest depths of Tartarus, she did owe to bring his physical body back for saving her. . . and she may have a teensy weensy crush on him but that was beside the point!

So now she sits upon her throne, a human and a former princess stuck within her head. What's a queen to do?

"I hunger for the substance they call cheese!" Anon declared.

"I too, do hunger for what those gents calleth, 'cheese.'" Luna also declared.

As much as she didn't want to admit it out of pure spite, she too wanted cheese.

"Hmph, fine. I will ring a nearby maid."

Anonymous scoffed at her. "What is wrong with you?"

"What now?" Asked a cranky Nightmare Moon.

"The best part about eating cheese is ransacking the fridge yourself at 3 in the morning. Your gonna have a maid ruin that for you? No, we go to the kitchen ourselves."

"What maketh eating cheese ourselves any different from sending a maid to receiveth it?" Asked Luna.

"Yeah, what is the difference?"

"It's all about the experience you get out of it. Like uh. . . poking holes in your eraser! Or. . . or pretending to be dead in a swimming pool to see if anyone cared." Anon passionately explained.

"I think that last one is just you, Anonymous." Deadpanned Nightmare Moon.

"Art thee fine, Anonymous? Were thee not given loveth as an adolescent?" Luna sympathetically asked.

"What? No- I mean yes- look, you're not getting the point. Point is, doing this will allow us to become more relatable and sociable with other ponies."

"All the ponies are too scared to talk to me. And even if they do, it's about foreign problems." Grumbled Nightmare Moon.

"Well maybe thee shouldn't has't banish my sister to the Travelling Lamp and tooketh over the kingdom." Snorted Luna.

"Maybe if you weren't so weak, I wouldn't have taken matters into my own hooves!" Retorted Nightmare.

"Hark here, hag!"

"Can we just get some fuckin cheese!" Anonymous shouted, silencing the both of them.

After seconds of stillness, Nightmare scoffed.

"Fine. I'll do it for 'The Experience'." She mocked in his voice.

Ignoring her, he shouted in glee. "Huzzah! To the kitchen squire!"

~ - - - - ~

Nightmare Moon stepped into a small room. The room was her personal kitchen away from the bigger kitchen that served the big dining room the castle had. This kitchen also housed three of her best chefs, hoof picked by hers truly.

Clearing her throat, Nightmare immediately got the attention of the chefs. In a panic, the three of them immediately slammed their heads to the ground in a quick bow.

One of them, an orange-colored stallion, lifted his head.

"W-what can we do for you, y-your majesty?" He stuttered.

Keeping her face neutral, she waved a wing at them.

"Congratulations, you have been relieved for the night." She half-heartedly said.

Another chef, a green mare, lifted her face, terror evident in her eyes.

"D-did we disappoint, mistress?! P-please don't fire us! I'm the best one anyway! These hooligans just sit around all day while I do all the work!"

Finally, the last chef, an older cream-colored stallion, raised his head and scowled at her.

"Oh, that's blasphemy! You can't even cook scallops properly. And you," the stallion looked at the other orange chef, "Somehow burn lettuce!"

The flustered orange stallion stammered before firing back.

"Well, at least I don't take a bathroom break every thirty minutes mister, "Small Bladder!"

The trio soon delved into arguing with each other. It was all that was needed to tick the Queen off.

"SILENCE YOU MORTALS!"

The fighting stopped and the three put their heads back to the ground.

"We're sorry, mistress!" They said in unison.

Finding her peace, Nightmare let out a sigh.

"Now go before I make your fur my new rug."

Waving at the door with her wing, the chefs hastily walked out of the kitchen. Once the last one left and closed the door, she set her sights on the many cabinets that were in front of her.

"Sheesh, someone knows how to take charge. Kinda sexy in a weird way."

A smack resounded in her head.

"Thee not dareth lust after this wench. The demon trapped us in her mind, remember? Besides, if it be true thee were to court anypony, I obviously wouldst be the more quaint option."

The flustered alicorn rolled her eyes.

"Ah shut up you short-haired blueberry. I'm trying to find a way to make bodies for the both of you."

'At least for Anonymous anyway.' Nightmare thought.

Walking over to the many cabinets, the ruler scanned the labels each had.

"Fruit. . . vegetables, meat, hmm. Dairy. Haha, you cannot hide from me."

With a sparkle of her horn, Nightmare opened the cabinet door and pulled out a small white wheel of cheese.

"Woah, woah, woah. Chill there Queen Gobbler." Anonymous quickly said.

"What now?" Nightmare grumbled.

"You didn't check the flavor."

Sighing, she looked at the cheese and shook her head. Using her magic, the cheese *poofed* in place.

"Beyaz Peynir. It's a salty, white cheese made from unpasteurized sheep or cow milk."

"Dope, a cool cheese fact."

"I know, I'm pretty smart aren't I?" She boasted.

"Too bad thee art lacking knowledge with courtship." Luna said, shooting her down.

"Quiet heathen!" The now red Nightmare Moon shouted.

Calming down, she looked at the piece of dairy grasped in her magic. Leaning to take a bite, Anonymous interrupted again.

"Wait! You got to eat it properly!" He shouted.

Nightmare Moon sighed and levitated it away.

"And how would I possibly eat it, Anonymous?"

"You got to grate it first."

"Such a longeth process to consume cheese" Commented Luna.

*"Because it's all about-"*

"The experience. Yeah, I know." Nightmare said, cutting him off.

She then levitated a grater from one of the smaller cabinets near the ceiling.

"Aw, she's learning."

"Shush. Now, behold as I will commence the process of eating *cheese*." Nightmare said in mock awe, hovering the grater and cheese above her.

"Now start slowly, you don't want to rush this." Anonymous instructed.

Following his orders, she opened her snout and slowly started to rhythmically move the dairy up and down the grater.

Soon, small slivers of cheese floated down from the grater into the mouth. Every piece that landed on her tongue assaulted her with a deliciously salty experience. Stopping to chew the substance, she noted that it was soft and somewhat gooey.

Swallowing, she opened her mouth again and picked up the pace. More cheese flakes landed on her tongue, like snow but more. . . dairy.

It was starting to be a joyful experience had it not been for the sudden inclusion of Anon and Luna.

"Mmm, so fucking ah, good. That's what I'm, fuuuah, talking about." Anonymous moaned.

"Oh Anonymous, it doth feel, oh! So so, mmm, valorous! I seeth why thee consume cheese liketh this Anon. Alas! keepeth going, Nightmare! Ahhh! Please!" Luna all but screamed.

Stopping mid-stroke, Nightmare glared at the ceiling.

"What on Goddess's name are you two doing?" She silently whispered.

"Oh- hey! Why'd you stopped!? I was beginning to enjoy myself." Anonymous angrily asked.

A small whine of need was produced from Luna, probably agreeing to what Anon said.

"No no no, I don't want to be a part of this sick fantasy." Nightmare said, setting down the cheese and grater.

"Aw, please continue! I'll do anything!" Pleaded Anon.

Nightmare stopped and gazed at the nearby wall.

"Anything?" She asked.

"Um. . . well." Anon hesitated.

"Just taketh the deal, Anonymous! I begeth of thee!" Luna begged, seemingly to find her bearing.

Hearing her, Anonymous hummed in thought.

"Ugh, ok. But no weird shit. Like that time you had me do that weird ASMR thing with one of your erotic books."

"No. I said anything. Or shall I leave the kitchen?"

Sighing louder, Anon finally gave in.

"Fine. Now, cheese time."

Squealing in glee, Nightmare hastily picked up the cheese and grater and resumed eating.

Through the night, Nightmare Moon and the two voices in her head went through cheese wheel after cheese wheel 'till there was no more cheese to be found in the castle. How was Nightmare Moon able to do this? Pfft, with magic you dummy.

And so, our happy story ends here. . . now scram! The football game starts soon.