You'd think they would have written something down. A book, a file, a paper, at least a sticky note, but no. Nopony seems to remember that I'm here. I'm just as surprised as you, Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Twilight, nobody remembers me.
Then again, nobody remembers the alicorns either. Many of the big game players are gone now. Discord, Chrysalis, Tirek, all gone. I wonder if that's punishment for my actions, or if my long lifespan is due to my innate life magic. Assuming any of it is left, anyway. Being shot with a straight beam of friendship kinda sapped my reserves until I can fashion a life font, and without life magic, I can't do that anyway.
After all these years, not one word from anyone from way back then about me. I'm not even sure if Twilight is still around. Her friends are dead, of course, but would that mean her death as well? I'd go and check but nobody's been to Canterlot in centuries. Who knows what horrid beasts would live there now, and since I'm reduced to common magic, I'm not much in a scrap.
Jolting out of bed, I cracked my back and entered the bathroom to freshen up before I met the day. It was there that I applied my makeup, not the usual form of makeup, of course, but when you're a unicorn living with earth ponies who've grown intolerant, one must learn to hide oneself.
"At least I've still got alchemy," I smirked like an ignorant buffoon to myself in the confines of my own bathroom before slathering my horn with invisibility gel.
After that, it was just a small breakfast before I left my house and ventured out into the colorful and clean (Thanks to Hitch) streets of Maretime Bay.
You may be asking yourself me, "why not just move into Bridlewood Forest, you'd fit in well over there." I've spent my entire life either in large cities or vast forests, I felt like spending some time by the beach. Of course, I can't quite leave, just in case Hitch gets suspicious.
"The quiet baker flees town, what's he hiding?" That's what they'd all say.
Speaking of Hitch, the majestic stallion was lecturing another earth pony on the prospects of proper garbage disposal. I couldn't remember how many times I've dreamed of laying with him. Sometimes I drop trash just to get him to speak with me. The nights of spent watching him, spying on him, one might think it stalking, but I know better. The way the sun compliments his orange fur, those beautiful orange eyes I just want to sink into.
Anyway, enough ogling the stud. I need to get to work before my boss, who is me, gets angry at me for being late again.
Everyone thought I was crazy back home for thinking of a mobile market stall, but that is why I was the prince, and they were not. The fact that my mother was the queen had nothing to do with it.
The stall rolled to a stop as its wheels broke under the sheer weight of my merchandise. "Precisely as planned." I laughed evilly to myself as I began setting up for the day. My stall was soon adorned by cookies, cakes, brownies, pies, puddings, and even some cobblers as I prepared for my next great evil scheme to be set into motion.
Yes me, I was a villain, and a good one at that. Conqueror of Las Pegasus, Prince of the Merchant's Guild, Elite of the Elite! Friendly reminder, money doesn't stop harmony lasers from throttling you.
As the day grew old, more and more earth ponies would venture to my stall, the sweet, succulent scent of desserts and freshly baked goods that are actually older than the entire earth pony race (probably) but were enchanted to never go bad teased their brains into becoming loyal customers. One by one, more desserts found their way into the hooves of my neighbors and bits found their way into mine.
Our dealing was mutual of course, They loved my desserts, I loved their money. I'm sure the stars that lit up their eyes and the wide smiles that became their faces were also plastered onto my face.
It wasn't until late in the evening when my plan finally took effect. Hitch was walking down the street opposite my stall, tantalizingly slow. He'd make me wait, but that's fine, time is the one thing I've got. Well, that and an endless supply of baked goods. Note: harmony lasers are pro-dessert. Who knew?
I'd sell cookies to colts and fillies with one hoof and hover over a big red button underneath the market stall with the other. Step by step, he smiled onward, that same smile that says, life is perfect, that he seemed to carry at all times. As he got closer to his mark, his steps became louder. Like an elephant growing closer, STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!
When his final step was louder than the entire world, I knew it was time to act, I pressed my button as fans at the top of my stall began blowing an intoxicating scent his way. Chocolate cake with strawberry icing, three-tiered, the same kind his mom used to make him.
The poor stallion couldn't resist, I watched without breathing as his strong yet peaceful demeanor of the sheriff was replaced with Hitch Trailblazer, a friend of all in Maretime Bay.
He needed this cake, I could tell by the look in his eyes, the happiness he remembered. Without looking where he was going, he walked across the street to me. With two perfectly situated market stall wheels waiting for someone who just isn't paying attention, to trip on them.
The happiness in his eyes were replaced with panic as his capacity to move was taken from him and given to the wheels. He stuttered in what I thought was a warning, something like, look out, or, watch out, probably. But it didn't matter, my plan had come to fruition as he was hurled into the air, heading directly in between my market stall, right where I was.
I faked a look of terror as I got up in preparation to hold him. Anyone else looking would think I was just scared like a deer in headlights. To me though, it was perfect, with meticulous planning, he barreled into my chest, he would've knocked all the air out of me had I not planned this from the beginning. With a horrible scrape and a burning sensation, I finally found that moment.
It only lasted a split second but in that one moment, my years of magiclessness seemed unimportant. His head was laid perfectly on my chest as I squeezed him lovingly. Moving my head closer, I sniffed him, wanting him, needing him. His warmth far outperformed even the finest of silk blankets, but alas, the second faded as he stood back up.
"Are you alright, sir? Didn't mean to make such an entrance." The stud said, rubbing a hoof on his perfect mane.
"Yes, I'm fine. Are you though, you were looking at my chocolate and strawberry cake pretty hungrily there." The surrounding crowd laughed at this, now knowing that nopony was hurt.
"Yeah, sorry, It just smelled so good." He said, getting closer to get a better look at the baked good in my market stall. I followed swiftly to enact phase two.
"How much do you want for it?" He asked, digging into his bit bag.
"For the sheriff? Oh, no charge." I then proceeded to wrap up the beautifully designed confection with care as I gave it to him.
"Hey, thanks. Have you always given away free desserts to law enforcement?" He asked, making casual conversation, ruining my plans, stick to the script, confound it!
"He's giving away free desserts? Can I get some of those cookies?" Sprout, Hitch's deputy, asked annoyingly.
"It's only for the sheriff." I replied coldly.
"What? Why can't I get any free food?" Sprout angrily demanded.
"BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES YOU, SPROUT!" I then assaulted him, that's why I'm writing this in Maretime Bay's jail.
"What do you have to say in your defense?" Hitch asked me seriously, all pretense to a friendship gone.
Meanwhile, Sprout held an ice bag to his aching forehead in the corner.
"CURSES, FOILED AGAIN BY THE POWER OF CASUAL LAW ENFORCEMENT!"
I was sentenced to an hour in jail, then let off with no strings attached.
Author's Note
Why am I writing this at 2:30 in the morning? What is wrong with me 