The Professor and the Principal
“Class, I’d like you to set - settle - SETTLE DOWN, PLEASE!”
The chattery students fell into an immediate hush. Only in the darkest of hallways, away from teacher attention, did they call that her ‘dictator voice’. But every student of the School of Friendship knew that when it appeared, it was serious.
“Ahem.” Starlight Glimmer cleared her throat, and smoothed down her mane with one hoof. “Thank you. Now, I’d like you to all give a warm welcome to today’s special guest lecturer, Doctor Maud Pie. She comes to us directly from teaching a summer program in Stalliongrad, capping off the year she spent studying and teaching under the illustrious Professor Granice!”
A few of the dragon students ooh’d quietly, followed by a few stray giggles and a rapid shushing. They didn’t want to risk the return of the dictator voice.
“Now, very luckily for us, Dr. Pie has agreed to come visit our school for a few guest lectures, where she will hopefully enlighten your bright young minds with thrilling knowledge about natural mineral formations! So, without further ado - Doctor Maud Pie!”
The students applauded warmly, although it tapered off when the doctor approached the lectern in silence, and stared out at them for a long minute or two. She didn’t look like a doctor - she was fairly young, not much older than any of them, with a grey coat and her purple mane pulled back behind her ears. Her eyes were glamorous, like Professor Rarity’s, but Rarity wouldn’t have even used her plain blue frock as a dish rag.
Principal Starlight Glimmer took her seat in the back of the hall, watching in great anticipation.
“Hello, young minds.” The doctor finally spoke, and it was in a flat, almost bored tone. A few of the students looked at each other, but didn’t say anything. “I am Doctor Maud Pie. I like to open my lectures with a joke. What did the metamorphic rock say to its igneous brother?” The silence stretched in the hall. “Gneiss to see you.”
The silence stretched longer. “Gneiss to see you.”
Behind them, a few students jerked when they heard somecreature gasping for air, afraid that a student might be having a heart attack due to boredom. Instead, they saw Principal Glimmer, struggling to hold back her silent laughter, a hoof pressed to her mouth.
“Gneiss!” She choked, trying to maintain her decorum.
“Today we will be discussing the difference between types of rocks. Not just different colored rocks; no, today we will be delving into the different ways that rocks are formed. This includes the difference between an igneous rock, like a granite,” and here the doctor lifted up a boulder the size of her head easily with one hoof, startling a few students in the front, “as well as gneiss, which is granite that has gone through extreme heat and pressure changes to become a metamorphic rock.” A pause. “Hence, gneiss to see you.”
Someone coughed.
“Smart and funny.” Starlight Glimmer whispered to herself.
The lecture dragged on after that in much the same fashion; minutes felt like hours as Maud Pie droned on in her same flat tone, pointing out diagrams (all in grayscale) without a hint of vocal inflection. Occasionally she would lift another gigantic boulder with seeming ease, and that would wake everyone up for a few minutes; but by the first half hour, the students were dropping like flies, dozing off onto their neighbors’ shoulders or face down on a desk.
The only thing that kept Gallus awake was listening to Principal Glimmer’s reactions. He’d been resting his cheek on his knuckles within the first ten minutes, trying to stay awake, when he happened to catch sight of her out of the corner of his eye. She was paying rapt attention, eyes all but glowing as she watched the doctor lecture; she even pulled out a notepad at one point and took notes. She gasped along with the students when Maud lifted another boulder, and Gallus was trying to figure out where Starlight’s sudden interest in rocks had come from. Was this a secret side to his principal he’d simply never known about?
Gallus elbowed his neighbor, Ocellus, who somehow managed to look alert and interested. “Hey. How are you still awake?” He whispered, with a quick glance back at the principal.
“Would you say that metamorphic rocks, then, are more complex physically than igneous rocks?” Starlight Glimmer asked, thoroughly distracted by the lecture, ignoring the students in front of her.
“Rocks are interesting.” Ocellus countered in an undertone, offering Gallus a sharp glance. “How are you?”
“I think something’s going on with Principal Starlight. Does she usually stay when there’s a guest teacher?” Gallus whispered, his eyes darting between the ever-placid doctor and the spirited principal.
Ocellus thought about it for a moment. “Well, sometimes. Except when it was that one guy talking about seed germination...”
The pair shared a shudder. Never again would they ask a farmer pony to explain how seeds worked!
“Yeah, she got out of here like her tail was on fire. So why is she here now?” Gallus whispered, hiding his beak behind his claws. “And paying so much attention?”
“Probably because it’s interesting?” Ocellus snapped quietly, frowning.
“Look around you, Ocellus.” Gallus hissed, rolling his eyes to indicate the whole room. “Everycreature is struggling to stay awake.”
Ocellus took a moment to consider the room, then finally agreed with a small nod. “Alright, you make a good point.”
“I’m gonna figure this out.” Gallus whispered, then returned to focusing on the lecturer, alternating between her and the principal in turn. There was no logical reason for her to be paying such close attention, but Gallus supposed that if he wanted to solve the mystery, he’d have to suspend his own disbelief. Alright, so… assuming that there WAS a logical reason for her to be so interested, what might it be? There was the simple - romantic - but that was quickly shot down. While Principal Starlight made it no secret that she preferred mares, she was already married, and wore her silvery ring either on her horn or a chain around her neck. So, setting aside the idea that she could be cheating on her wife (ew!), Gallus continued looking for reasons.
Could the performance aspect of lifting the boulders single-hoofedly be thrilling to her? Could be; that was the only part most of the student audience woke up for, and it did seem like Starlight Glimmer was looking for opportunities to ask her to lift things. (“Oh, could you pick that one up again? There was an interesting burst of color on the bottom of the rock - yes, just there! Could that be from citrine veins intersecting with the rockbed, you think?”)
Could it be that she was trying to keep the students interested by feigning interest herself? Well, possibly; but if she was, she was failing at it, since half of the student body was already out cold.
Could it be merely polite interest? Impossible; she’d already shown that she had no problem ditching other guest lectures, but her interest seemed entirely sincere in this case. There was no polite reason to be taking notes and muttering to herself feverishly, but there she was.
Gallus was running out of options, and the lecture was rapidly coming to a close! Or, at least, he thought it was; it was hard to tell, when her voice was so flat like that.
“... and if you thought metamorphic rocks and igneous rocks were fascinating, you’ll be thrilled to know that there are many, many other kinds of rocks in our world. Rocks from the griffon realms, from the hippogriff lands, and even from the ocean will make an appearance in my lecture series.”
“Lecture series?!” Gallus moaned, and he heard a few other creatures join him in his agony, to the point where Starlight Glimmer had to clear her throat sternly.
“Even,” Maud Pie continued undeterred, as she lifted a chain from under her simple blue dress, “from beyond the stars. This is a ring forged from the heart of a meteorite, which is a rare kind of rock that has travelled through space and come to land on Equestria. Next week, we will -”
“Are you married to the principal?!”
Gallus wasn’t sure when he’d stood up, or why he was yelling; but the appearance of the silvery ring had driven him into a sudden madness of recognition, and it was loud enough to wake up the rest of the dozing students. (Some of whom clapped sleepily, confused.)
Behind him, he heard Starlight Glimmer gasp, but Maud Pie considered him from under the same, flat gaze, her eyes half-lidded. “Yes. Didn’t I say that at the beginning?”
“No!”
“Oh. Well. I am.” Maud shrugged, and looked around the room, her affect as flat as ever. “Any other questions?”
“What’s it like being married to the principal?” Ocellus gasped, her hoof in the air, unable to wait for a reply.
Maud Pie blinked, her only sign of being surprised. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I mean… is she … is she nice?” Ocellus quailed, sinking lower into her seat.
“Of course she is.” Flatly as ever.
“Does she make you ask for a hall pass to go to the bathroom?” Ember laughed, rubbing her eyes after her nap.
“What’s she like at home? Does she talk about friendship lessons over dinner?” Sandbar grinned.
“Does principal give wife homework?!” Yona laughed, clapping her hooves together.
“Alright, that’s enough!” Starlight Glimmer called as more giggling students began chiming in with questions. She strode to the front of the hall, and with a brisk wave of her horn, opened the classroom doors. “The lecture is over, thank you all for coming! Doctor Pie will return next week, so be sure to bring your questions -”
“Oh, I have LOTS of questions!” Giggled Cozy Glow, who zipped out of the room on tiny wings.
“- about ROCKS!” Starlight Glimmer added, in a bit of a shout, before she magicked the doors shut behind them.
Starlight Glimmer couldn’t hide her frustrated huff, but she had the self control to wait until the children had all left before she dragged a hoof down her red face. “Starswirl’s beard.” Starlight Glimmer hissed in an undertone.
“That curse carries less weight now that Starswirl and his beard walk among us.” Maud Pie observed, and Starlight Glimmer’s less child-safe curse in reply teased a tiny grin from the stoic doctor.
“It’s all right. They’ll find something else to be excited about by next week.” Maud Pie comforted her, and came to stand beside her, brushing her nose lightly against her cheek.
“Aren’t I supposed to be comforting you?” Starlight Glimmer sighed, and offered Maud a sidelong glance. “It’s your lecture they ruined.”
“It wasn’t ruined; they’re children. I’m surprised they sat as quietly as they did for most of it.” Maud shrugged, and gave her cheek another little press with her nose. “Besides, you’re the one turning red.”
“Ugh!” Starlight Glimmer pulled away, and gave both cheeks a rapid pat-pat with her hooves.
“Don’t do that. I like it.” Maud protested, and came close to her again, lifting her own hooves to take a hold of Starlight’s face, so she could turn her cheek towards her for a kiss. “You are beautiful in whatever color you wear.”
“Maud.” Starlight protested, but without any real heat, given the way she leaned into her touch.
“You didn’t tell them who your wife is?”
“Well - they’re children. I didn’t … I guess I worried they would be peppering me with questions about you, instead of doing their schoolwork.” Starlight Glimmer chuckled, but her eyes fell, and she considered the floor for a moment. “I suppose if I’m being honest… I knew every time they asked me about you, it would make me miss you even more.”
Maud nodded slowly, and eased her forelegs around Starlight in a hug, pulling her close. Starlight melted into her, hiding her face in her neck.
“Sometimes I’d go into my office over my lunch break and just cry.” Starlight admitted at last, her voice twisted up in her throat. “I missed you so much, Em. It was such a long year.”
“You should have asked me to come home.” Maud replied, in her usual flat way, but Starlight Glimmer knew her voice well enough by now to pick up the underpinnings of concern there.
“And make you leave the program you’d been waiting for your whole life?” Starlight chuckled, but wetly. “Never.”
“Not my whole life. I was barely conscious for the first three.” Maud corrected her, and fell quiet for a beat. “I missed you too, Starlight Glimmer.” The use of her full name made her look up, and one pair of damp eyes met the other, equally wet. “I pined for you.”
“Oh, Maud. If you cry, it’s all over for me.” Starlight tried to make a joke of it, but it fell flat, and she sniffled as she lifted a hoof to wipe away her wife’s tears. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”
Maud nodded, and the pair stood for several long moments in silence, simply taking each other in, light hooves touching manes, cradling cheeks, reacquainting themselves.
“Your lecture was -” Starlight began.
“I love you.” Maud interrupted, her usual flat tone softer than usual.
Starlight’s cheeks flooded with color again, but the smile she offered was anything but embarrassed. “I love you, too.” Starlight Glimmer whispered, pulling her close to press a slow kiss to her mouth.
“Sometimes,” Maud was still flat, but her voice was a little more breathless to Starlight’s ears after the kiss, “when the subject feels too intense, you change the topic. I’ve noticed that about you.” A pause. “I even missed that, in Stalliongrad.”
Starlight Glimmer dropped her head, a little embarrassed, but nodded. “I missed every inch of you, Maud. I even missed the things that made me mad, like your muddy boots in the hallway. Our home was too damn clean without you in it.”
That earned a quirked grin from Maud, and Starlight couldn’t resist the urge to lean close and kiss the gentle turn of her mouth. “I will do my utmost to dirty it once more.”
Starlight laughed, and held her close. “Good. I’d appreciate that.”
“Shall we go home now? I think I am quite ready to be done teaching.”
“Yes, me too.” Starlight sighed, and with one last squeeze, removed herself from Maud’s hold.
“When we get home, I will read aloud the poetry I wrote for you, while I was away. If you would like.”
“Oh, Maud; you wrote for me?” Starlight Glimmer offered Maud a smile, her heart twisting. “I’d love to hear it.”
“There are three hundred poems.”
“Three hundred?!”
“... in the first collection.”
Starlight Glimmer stared.
“I told you, I pined.” Maud Pie said simply, lifting a heavy boulder easily into her grip.
“Then we better get going, so we can get started.” Starlight grinned, and lifted one of the smaller rocks with her magic, following Maud out of the classroom. “I can’t wait.”
