Twilight Ships Twilight In a Manner (Fully) Suitable For the Contest
Twilight woke up in a strange bed. She moved slightly, and felt satin sheets soft and slippery against her body.
"Where am I?" she wondered. "And why aren't I wearing any clothes?"
Twilight opened her eyes. She saw the crystalline wall beside her, and an irregularly shaped window embedded within. "Oh," she said.
A voice that reminded Twilight of her own said, "Good morning! I hope you've recovered from your accidental electrocution when we destroyed Equestria's last computer. I hope that didn't damage your recent memories too severely. And I hope you enjoy the rest of your visit to Equestria!"
Twilight turned her head. "A little purple horse!" she said. "Oh! You're so adorable!" Twilight blushed. "I hope you don't mind my saying that."
The purple pony smiled. "Thank you! I hope you think your pony form is adorable too. Or whatever the appropriate word would be."
Twilight blinked. "So...even if you're adorable, maybe I wouldn't be adorable?"
"Well...let me ask you a question. On a scale of one to ten, how important is it to you to be...female?"
Twilight thought for a moment. "If I wasn't a girl, it might make slumber parties awkward. And I'd have to get some different clothes."
"Hmm." The purple pony scribbled on a list. "Any other reasons?"
"I really think my identity is more INTELLECTUAL than a matter of physical flesh. I really don't much care if I'm a girl or a boy, as long as I get to be ME." Twilight quirked an eyebrow. "Why are you asking me these questions?"
"Well...let me put it this way. I guess you know that when somecreature goes through the Mirror Portal, they take on a different form for the duration of their visit to a particular universe, right?"
"Well, sure. That's why you were a human in my world, and I'm a pony here. But we already knew that, right?"
Twilight stepped closer to her visitor. She put one forehoof on the bed. "I didn't want to mention it before, because we were busy destroying all the computers in Equestria. But ever since you got here, have you noticed anything...different? I mean, about yourself?"
"Not really? I mean, I'm still me." Twilight shifted her weight back and forth with discomfort. "Sorry to interrupt, but do you have a bathroom I could use?"
Twilight led her guest to the bathroom. "Let me know if you notice anything, ok?"
A few minutes later, after the toilet flushed and the water ran, the bathroom door opened.
A purple stallion walked out of the bathroom. "So, I noticed something."
Twilight gave her visitor an innocent, super-naive look. "You did?"
"I'm a stallion."
Twilight grinned impishly. "You are? I hadn't noticed!"
The stallion said, "Maybe we would be better at poker than I always assumed."
The mare shook her head. "Don't assume that. I used to be TERRIBLE at games of bluffing and keeping secrets. I only got any good at them through hard experience. Through dangerous missions for Princess Celestia, and other rough practice. So before you go lose all your money in a poker game, tell me this: how many evil supervillains have you had to face down and outfox? How many clever nonpony...nonhuman...you know what I mean...monsters have you had to defeat?"
The stallion sighed. "SO I AM bad at poker. Probably."
"Look at it this way! You can still be honest!"
"True." The stallion blinked a few times. "Before a few minutes ago, I would have been fine with that."
"It's better this way. And it's better that you're a stallion. You don't mind being a guy while you're here, right? And this way, ponies won't confuse us with each other."
"True. This is convenient." Twilight eyed the mare suspiciously. "Maybe a little TOO convenient. Are you SURE you didn't have anything to do with this?"
Twilight raised one forehoof. "Scholar's honor. And anyway, as a scientist, aren't you glad you have the chance to do a new experiment? Finding out how the other half lives?"
The stallion nodded. "You have a point."
The Twilights heard somecreature tromping up the stairs. A voice called up, "Twilight! What do you want for--" A little dragon entered the room.
He stared at the two purple ponies, mare and stallion. "HAHAHA! What did you do THIS time, Twilight?" He rolled around laughing and snickering.
The mare insisted, "I'll have you know, this time it isn't my fault!"
The stallion said, "At least I didn't turn into a dog. Although a dragon would have been interesting. Maybe even better than THIS form."
The little dragon sat up. "Oh!" He inspected the stallion. "Did you come through the Mirror Portal?"
"Yes! I'm visiting from the world where Canterlot High School is."
Spike stood up and shook forepaws. "Sorry I laughed at you so much. I just thought I was laughing at another of Twilight's...I mean, MY Twilight's...ridiculous ideas. The crazy things she tries sometimes."
The stallion nodded. "I think I understand. Right after I arrived here, we destroyed all the computers in the world. Because she invited me here to do it."
The mare complained. "It was YOUR idea."
"I said sometimes I felt like I wanted to, but you're the one who said it was possible, and showed me how I could do it."
"So," Spike remarked. "Crazy ideas. Maybe TWO of you can be TWICE as crazy."
"We're not crazy!" both ponies shouted in unison.
The mare said, "Well, maybe a LITTLE crazy. But you know what they say about genius, right?"
The stallion asked, "That it rips holes in the space-time continuum and almost destroys two universes?" He added, "But I got better!"
Spike sighed. "I came here to ask what Twilight wanted for lunch. But maybe I'll need to save the world instead. Again."
The stallion stared at the mare. "Again? What does he mean, again? What did you do?"
"I'll tell you later." The mare said to Spike, "I promise we'll be extra careful not to destroy the world today, all right?"
Spike eyed the two ponies suspiciously. "I guess if you PROMISE."
"We do!" the ponies said. "We promise."
Spike sighed. "Ok. Then I'll leave you two alone to do whatever it is that two mirror world duplicates of opposite sexes do together." He stomped out of the room.
The stallion's eyebrows rose. "Just what do you think he thinks we're going to do?"
The mare sighed. "I don't even want to guess. I mean, the way he's talking...I think it's something I don't want to do. I don't want my first...you know...to be with MYSELF."
The stallion gave the mare a questioning look.
"Ok! I mean, I guess just about everypony does THAT with themself, or at least tries it. But I mean, not the OTHER thing, the REAL thing, with my self who isn't my SELF self. If you know what I mean."
"Sure," the stallion said. "Besides, if I knocked myself up, that would be...I don't even know the right bad words here, to say how bad a first time that would be."
"True," the mare agreed. "So HERE'S an idea. Let's go OUT to lunch. Somewhere pleasant and relaxing. And NOT destroy the world."
"That sounds like a good plan."
***
Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and other Twilight sat around a table at an outdoor cafe. "Don't worry," mare Twilight said. "It's my treat. I'm pretty sure I can expense this as research."
"So," Applejack said. "Ah'm pretty sure this is the first time Ah've met an alien creature from another world. No offense."
The stallion replied cheerfully, "You sound just like my world's Applejack when you say that. It makes me feel right at home."
Applejack looked thoughtful.
Pinkie asked, "What do you think of our world so far?"
The stallion enthused, "Everything is so cute and adorable! It's like...I don't even know how to describe it. It's amazing!"
Two foals walked past the patio. "Wow!" the stallion said. "So there are little ponies who are even littler and cuter than the regular ponies! How many levels of cuteness are there?"
Pinkie giggled. "Those are foals, silly! They are cute, though."
Stallion Twilight looked in another direction. "But I don't think THAT extra-cute one's a foal?"
Pinkie followed his gaze. "Looks like a stallion to me. But I don't know who he is."
Rarity remarked, "THAT'S unusual. Who IS that...grayish brownish...brownish grayish...? Perfectly dull-coated--"
Rainbow laughed. "He's got Rarity confused about colors. That IS unusual."
Stallion Twilight waved at the grayish pony. "Hay! Could you come over here?"
In a nasal voice, the pony replied, "Yes. I could." He continued gazing intently at a tree branch.
"What I meant is, WOULD you come over here?"
"Why?"
"Would you please come over here? I want to ask you some questions."
"Why?"
"You need to eat lunch sooner or later, right? And you might as well have some company, while you do it."
After a pause for thought, the stick-starer said, "Sure." He walked over and joined Twilight's friends at the table.
"So," stallion Twilight said, "I've been studying Equestrian cuteness."
"What?" Pinkie stage whispered (which means she whispered loudly enough that everycreature at the table could easily hear her.)
"I hope you don't mind," stallion Twilight said to mare Twilight. "While you were in the bathroom getting ready this morning, I read some of the comic books you had lying around. I learned a LOT about Equestrian culture. They were so informative!"
Twilight's eyes widened in panic. "Twilight...those were...works of imaginative fiction. As in, not real."
"Well, of COURSE I knew that," Twilight assured Twilight. "I could see that for myself. I mean, some of those positions don't even look anatomically possible. But I could still get the gist." She elbowed Twilight in a failed attempt at subtlety. "See what a society's dreams and ideals are, and you can learn a lot about the realities too. Even if I'm still not sure why they're labeled 'yaoi.'"
Twilight whispered, "Those are NOT REAL." But Twilight seemed to ignore her. Instead, Twilight said to the newcomer, "My name's Twilight."
Rainbow laughed.
"What's so funny? stallion Twilight asked.
"Everypony knows Twilight is a GIRL'S name. But you're a STALLION." Rainbow laughed some more.
Fluttershy said softly, "You could call yourself Dusk. Maybe...Dusk Shine?"
"Thank you, Fluttershy," Dusk said. "So I'm Dusk Shine. Everypony ok with that?"
Nopony commented, except for the newcomer. "Technically, Dusk Shine is a very traditional style of name for a stallion. So why were you calling yourself Twilight?"
Dusk explained, "I was...a girl, until last night. Or was it this morning? Time zones can be so confusing, you know what I mean?" Nopony seemed to understand, but Dusk didn't let that stop him. "But I'm a stallion now, and I guess I'll keep being one until...maybe tonight? Or sometime tomorrow, I guess." He turned to Twilight. "I think I should go back before the end of the weekend, you know?"
Twilight nodded.
"But for now, I'm a stallion! Isn't that great?" Dusk grinned. "So what would you like to eat? And who are you, anyway?"
"My name is Mudbriar. One word, no spaces." The stallion looked at the menu for a moment. "And I'd like a celery sandwich. Did you know celery is one of the relatively few vegetables that are often eaten as stalks that are like soft, fleshy sticks? Ponies CALL them sticks, but technically, they aren't really sticks at all: they're just enormous leaf stems! Isn't that crazy?" He laughed a horrific, nasal chortle. "And don't get me started on rhubarb."
Pinkie sighed. "I think any fun at this table is being killed for the day. And throttled to death afterwards, just in case."
Dusk said, "I never thought about it that way, Mudbriar. But you're right! How interesting!"
Pinkie got up from the table, and waved to the waitress. "Excuse me. May I get my meal to go? And maybe some of my other friends would like their meals to go, too. Maybe we can eat our meals to go somewhere else together." She glanced at the table. "Nothing against your restaurant, just...some of the company."
The waitress whispered, "Stick boy?"
Pinkie nodded.
"He can just stare at a stick for hours. I wonder how he can even stand it?" The waitress shuddered. "He says he's in town to do 'wood science research,' but I think he's just nuts."
***
Hours later, Dusk said, "Petrified wood? That says so much!"
"Yes. It does."
"If this world has petrified wood, that tells us a lot about its age. I had just assumed, in a world where a magic horse raises and lowers the sun and moon every day, that...maybe the world wasn't really all that old?" Dusk's nose wrinkled for a moment. "Really, it just confuses me all to heck."
Mudbriar nodded. "Yes, some things about this world ARE very confusing. That's why I like sticks so much. Sticks have never let me down, or lied to me."
Dusk sighed. "I can see what you mean...I think?"
A waitress arrived at the table. "Excuse me?" she said.
"Excuse you for what?" Mudbriar replied.
"The restaurant staff were just talking amongst ourselves, and we thought...maybe you'd be happier if we moved your table far away from the patio, over by some trees. Trees that have lots of sticks on them. Even though the other customers might not be able to hear you talk."
Dusk asked, "You can do that for us? I don't want to put you to any extra trouble."
The waitress smiled fixedly. "Please."
Dusk levitated himself, Mudbriar, and the furniture away from the patio. "Is this a good spot?" Dusk asked.
Mudbriar remarked, "This tree has some very good examples of petiolate sticks."
"Is that a yes?"
Mudbriar nodded. "Maybe you could even levitate us around to some different kinds of trees, when I want to show them to you."
The waitress sighed with relief. Maybe the dinner crowd wouldn't be driven away after all.
***
Fireflies flitted through the evening air. Dusk looked admiringly at Mudbriar. "I think we have a very special connection. A connection that isn't based on little things like exactly what kind of creature I am, or who's a pony and who isn't. A connection between our MINDS. A connection so strong it could bridge the gap between universes."
"Uh-huh," Mudbriar said, distracted by a tree branch.
"So I was thinking," Dusk said. "Would you like this to be a date?"
Mudbriar choked on a celery stick. "Excuse me?"
Dusk jokingly quoted, "Excuse you for what?" He giggled.
"It's just...I was surprised. I'm not used to being on a date. Especially under these circumstances."
"I know we just met today. But it feels so right." Dusk's smile wilted. "Or it feels so right to me, at least?" Dusk sighed. "If you aren't interested, I understand. Why would such a brilliant xylologist even look at somepony like me?" Dusk's eyes shimmered with tears. "I thought this was my one big chance, but--
Mudbriar gingerly patted Dusk on the shoulder. "It's ok. I know you're going through a lot of changes. And this is a big change for me too." Mudbriar contemplated. "Maybe we could go on an official date tomorrow? When, you know--"
Dusk squealed in an almost girlish way. "I'm so happy!" He bounced in his chair. "But even though this isn't an OFFICIAL date, I still want to celebrate." Dusk grabbed Mudbriar with both forelegs, pulled him close, and kissed him right on the lips.
***
"And then he SCREAMED!" Dusk wailed at Spike, his voice echoing through the castle's foyer and beyond. "I thought...after I read all that Equestrian literature...I thought I understood how things work here! How ponies feel about it!"
Spike grimaced. "Exactly which literature are you talking about?"
"You know! The comic books!"
"My superhero comic books? Those don't have a lot of mushy romance stuff."
"The other comic books. The ones Twilight has--"
"Oh. The VERY SPECIAL ones from Neighpone."
"Is that where they're from?" Dusk blinked.
Spike asked, "Did they have stallions...doing things that you wouldn't want everypony to watch you doing?"
Dusk protested, "We were way off in the trees, far away from the restaurant! Mudbriar even thought that was a good idea! And I didn't know--"
"Didn't know WHAT?"
"I didn't mean to poke Mudbriar in the stomach. I didn't mean to poke him anywhere at all. But I've never been a stallion before. I had no idea how BIG those parts can get, when...I didn't mean to!"
Spike nodded. "I know, Dusk. Or should I call you Twilight?"
The stallion sighed. "Twilight is who I really am. No matter how crazy this world might make things."
"Twilight, some stallions just aren't used to another stallion trying to kiss them. From what I've heard about this Mudbriar, maybe no one's ever wanted to kiss him at all."
"That's sad."
"I guess it is. But all I'm trying to say is, if he was surprised, maybe it's not all your fault." Spike shrugged. "But you didn't do anything really wrong. It was just a silly misunderstanding." He scratched his frill. "Maybe it'll be good for Mudbriar, to have learned ponies can want to kiss him. Maybe next time somepony wants to kiss him, he might be able to handle it better."
Twilight was quiet for a moment. "I sure hope so."
"Me too, Twilight."
"So," Twilight said, "maybe I shouldn't have trusted those comic books."
"You can't believe everything you read. Isn't that a saying even in your world?"
Dusk sighed. "I guess you're right. I have another question for you."
"Oh? What?"
"Where do you keep the ice cream?"
Spike thought about whether he wanted somepony to eat all his ice cream. He thought about who might be best at consoling somepony who had just been tragically disappointed in love.
"We keep it at Rarity's."
"That's a strange place. It seems...inconvenient."
"Oh, trust me. It makes perfect sense." Spike trotted to the door. "Follow me."
***
Spike looked up at the second story window. "What do you mean, no way in Tartarus?"
Rarity took a deep breath. "I'm sure Twilight's interdimensional duplicate is a very nice young stallion. A stallion almost exactly like our Twilight Sparkle, but...a STALLION. A very handsome, attractive stallion, recently disappointed in love. On the rebound."
Spike said, "I don't think PART OF ONE DAY even counts as--"
Dusk said, "Rarity, go on. Please."
Rarity sighed. "I just don't think it's a good idea. Especially with Spike bringing you over here. Now if you'd come alone, with no witnesses to our secret...well..."
Dusk blushed. "Are you implying what I think you're implying?"
"No!" Rarity insisted. "It would still be a very, very bad idea. We would be so very wrong for each other. I know this."
Suddenly, Spike wondered if he might have been the SECOND member of his family with a crush on Rarity. A crush that, in his sister's case, might have gone farther than a mere crush.
"Just...no," Rarity added. "Besides, I made a resolution never to date any interdimensional duplicates from another universe. It never turns out well. So GOODBYE!" She slammed the window shut, and refused to respond to any other questions.
***
Cuddling chastely in bed with Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Pinkie Pie wriggled and thrashed and screamed. "Yes! Yes yes yes YES YES YES YES! YIPPEEEE!"
Mr. Cake frowned at her. "I don't know WHAT you're doing, but I thought we agreed we were supposed to cuddle CHASTELY. And you don't sound all that chaste."
"I'm sorry!" Pinkie said. "It was just my Pinkie sense. Just now was the second time tonight that a terrible threat to Equestria's destiny was averted."
"Huh?" Mr. Cake replied.
"The FIRST time was when some dorky, incredibly obnoxious stallion didn't get into a love affair with Twilight Sparkle's interdimensional male duplicate. If he had, it might have interfered with that dorky somepony asking out a certain somepony else, and left them unprepared to help counter an attack on Equestria as a team, years later."
"Huh."
"The SECOND time was when Twilight Sparkle's very handsome interdimensional...you know--"
"I DO know," Mrs. Cake agreed. "I'm sure Twilight would make a very cute young stallion."
Mr. Cake rolled his eyes.
"--when Rarity refused to invite Twilight's...you know...in for ice cream. Because it might not have STOPPED at ice cream. And I don't think Rarity is ready for...well, it won't happen, so it's ok. Oh!"
"Oh, what?" Mrs. Cake asked.
"I should go introduce Dusk Shine to Applejack's big brother. On account of...well, he's a very understanding stallion. You know?" Pinkie Pie jumped out of bed, and ran out of the room.
When Pinkie had gone, Mr. Cake said, "I'm sure I don't know."
Mrs. Cake chuckled. "Me neither. But you have to admit, Pinkie Pie does seem to know how to help keep things interesting."
Mr. Cake rolled over towards his wife, to hold her tightly. "That's true, I guess. But sometimes it's nice when Pinkie's away, too." He nuzzled the top of her head. "Better than nice."
Mrs. Cake sighed contentedly into the space between his chin and his neck. "I love you too, dear."
***
Sitting under a tree with Dusk Shine, Big Mac looked off into the distance, and up at the stars. He plucked up a bit of grass, and chewed it. After a minute, he said, "Ayup."
Dusk thought, this pony seems nice enough. But I can hardly wait to find somepony who can hold an actual conversation.
Big Mac reached out with one forehoof, touching Dusk's. He smiled knowingly.
"I know," Dusk said. "You ARE very, very handsome. And muscular. And kind. And did I mention muscular and handsome? But I...I need someone who can--"
Big Mac's lips touched Dusk's muzzle.
Dusk thought, I guess there IS more than one way to keep our mouths busy.
Even if this big, muscular stallion talks hardly at all, I should still try canoodling with him at least once. Strictly for research purposes. It's my duty to interdimensional science!
Even if this is really, really fun, it's still important research!
Author's Note
I tried writing an Author's Note, but I looked at MY DRAFT OF THE AUTHOR'S NOTE, and I thought that draft might give the wrong impression, or maybe several wrong impressions.
~~I tried writing an Author's Note, but I looked at my draft and thought it might give the wrong impression, or maybe several wrong impressions.~~
