AiE: The Heist

by nameundetermined

Rating: teen
Tags: Octavia, Comedy, Cozy Glow, Profanity, Violence, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Thriller, Flim and Flam, Trixie
Length: 4660

Anon leaves behind the humdrum of his dead-end job for a chance at riches and renown.

Anon has had it up to his head with his dead-end job as a busboy in a shithole franchise joint. Lucky for him, he has a week of paid vacation to think it over, just enough time to dip his toes into the waters for some more...unorthodox employment opportunities.

Published 2021-09-19 18:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-22 23:44:06 UTC

Chapter One - The Invitation

Anon kicked the ground and gave a soft curse as he stormed out of the shithole of a Denneighs that constituted his former sole source of income, backpack slung over his shoulder. He now had precisely zero sources of income, but that was a problem for future Anon. A much smaller problem than the one he would have had if that fat bitch Shepards Pie tried to cop a feel on him again. He had been telling the manager about it for months, even going so far as to file several formal complaints, but apparently, being the Kitchen Manager in a third-rate franchise-driven rathole like this made her important enough the molesting the bipedal bus-boy didn’t warrant any significant disciplinary action.

Well, now it had cost them an able-bodied pair of hands, a pair that the management seemed keen to get back. The mare acting as General Manager, a tall, skinny number of a unicorn with an auburn coat and a sunny bright yellow mane and blue eyes stumbled out of the door. She allowed her horn to glow to life to try to stop him before she cursed softly at a lack of results and trotted after him to catch up. “Anon, wait! You can’t just leave in the middle of a shift. Who’s going to wash all of these dishes!?”

“Why don’t you get that fat hash slinging slut in the kitchen to lick em’ clean, since you need here in there so much more than you need me might as well get your bits worth out of her.” Anon snapped back firmly, clearly in no mood to cooperate as he kept right on walking. “I’m tired of her shit, Punch Card. it’s gonna be her or me.”

Punch Card winced at hearing such foul language come out of a stallion's mouth. “L-look, if you come back, I promise it won’t happen again, I’ll give you a weeks paid vacation and I’ll talk to her about her...bad behavior.” The mare’s ears flattened on top of her head as she said this last part. Clearly Anon was not the only one who found talking to her unpleasant. “I can’t fire her without another cook lined up for the job...”

He snorted at this derisively, looking down at her with mild disdain written all over his face, His own piercing green eyes meeting her pair. “That’s hilarious, Punch. You’re really going to say that to my face when I Applied as a cook?”

To be fair, he could have told her to stuff it day one, but when the Princess’ two-year “Refugee Stipend” had dried up, there weren’t a lot of places willing to hire an alien anyways, much less a male one who acted so mareishly. Apparently, it was inappropriate for a man to act like he had a pair of balls that weren’t cradled by garish frilly support undergarments for mares to ogle at in these parts. He could still remember the day he came in and applied and Shepards Pie had told him to his face that “The only kitchen a stallion should be working in is his Alphas.” and offered him work as a busboy.

It had been a major wound on his dignity, but he had taken it and regretted it every day since. But today was the day, he was through with taking it. He continued before waiting for her to respond. “I could cook circles around the potbellied ball fondling goblin calling itself a mare that you let run your kitchen, and you let her stick me in the back pushing porcelain so she could have free reign to grab my goods and make the same joke about how good I look in a wet t-shirt at least fifteen times a fucking day. I’ll take your week off, but I’m going home now, and if that slag so much as looks at me when I come back, I’m going to throw her out of a window and never come back.”

Punch Card seemed taken aback by his crass, colorful tirade. So much so that she didn’t even have the teats to object. She swallowed dryly, eyes wide with terror as she nodded and stumbled backwards towards the entrance of the restaurant before bolting back inside.

He stared hard at the building for a few long moments, making sure she was gone before sagging with a soft sigh, running a hand through his messy red hair. As he calmed down, a few threads of regret began to needle their way through the fabric of his conscience, but he pulled them out as quickly as they were stitched. Even if Punch Card wasn’t a bad mare, she was a pushover and an enabler for his molester’s bad behavior. As much as he preferred for everyone to just be able to get along, enough was enough, his foot was down and it was staying down this time.

The only human in Equestria walked down the slowly darkening streets as Celestia’s sun gradually dipped down below the horizon. The magically fueled streetlamps flickering out for a moment each time he passed within a few feet of them. It was always an annoyance, especially at night. But the Princess’ Pet Protege had concluded that he was from an alternate universe where the frequency of ambient magical energy happened to be at a wavelength that neutralized the wavelength of magic here.

Anon had personally been of the opinion that magic did not exist where he was from, but that was a whole can of worms he could leave on the shelf for now. Since he was the only wellspring of that sort of magic in Equestria, and it was canceled out constantly by the ambient magic all around him it was a moot point.

Eventually, he made his way back to his apartment complex in the -ahem- multicultural part of town. An awfully tidy, clean way of saying the part of town where the crown dumped all of the undesirables. Griffons, Minotaurs, Donkeys, even the odd Moose or Zebra all packed away in poorly gentrified slums with the barely hidden purpose of keeping the nice pony majority parts of town free of the exotic rabble.

He walked through the lobby, where his landlady was sat at her desk. A big Yak woman, beige in coloration with a white mane and golden eyes. She scowled at him firmly as she sat up, leaning forward a bit. “Hoo-Man-thing! Where is Ivanna’s rent for month, is due today!”

He did his best to put aside his intense displeasure to address her respectfully. He smiled at her apologetically and nodded, reaching into his backpack to pull out a bag of bits and placing it on her desk. “S-sorry Miss Smashalot. I forgot to drop it in the box on the way out this morning.” God, she was scary. And kind of hot tbh. Most of the mares in town had this sort of smug complacent sort of assertiveness to them, where they felt like the world owed them dominance, but Ivanna seemed to know she was a bonafide bad bitch, and damn if Anon didn’t appreciate a woman who could break him in half. He was nothing if not a man of culture.

The massive Dri gave a satisfied smile after weighing the bag in one hoof, nodding to him and waving, suddenly much more friendly with a wide smile. “Yes, very good. Thank you Hoo-man-thing.” She took a moment to look him over properly, humming as her smile slowly fell to a mildly concerned frown. “Hm..why Hoo-man look angry? Usually so nice, calm. Something happen?”

He shook his head and waved her off gently “Nah, nah, just stuff at work flaring up again like usual, no big deal.” You said, trying to play it off. No need to get the old girl worrying about you more than she already does.

Her nostrils flared and a few puffs of steam ejected from them as she scowled. “Is Fat Sow from work grabbing ass again, Anon? Should Ivanna break legs?” She asked, her face totally serious. She may be serious about running her ship tightly, but she does care about her tenants. Sometimes maybe a little more than Anon was comfortable with. Like now, now was an excellent example of her caring more than he was comfortable with, as a matter of fact.

“No! Nono, there is uh,...maybe..., I mean, No. No thank you, Ivanna. It would be cowardly of me to let you fight my battles for me.

Ivanna smirked at this, clicking her tongue slightly. “Hah! Colt fighting own battles, he says. Ivanna never seen you throw single punch in life!”

“Trust me, it’s a never-ending battle every day not to punt that bitch out of a window,” he said cheekily, admittedly getting in a slightly better mood just by ragging on her to someone, a genuine smile flitting across his face as the older Dri howled with laughter at this, slamming her hoof on the table.

“Ivanna sure struggle is real, Hoo-man-thing. See you at cards tomorrow?” She asked him, getting an affirming nod from Anon who walked backwards towards the stairs leading up to his floor.

“Of course, gotta get some of that rent back from you somehow.” he said, giving a mock salute before dipping up the stairs, leaving the landlady chuckling loudly as he headed over to his apartment.

Apartment 404, where he always went when he didn’t want to be found. He chuckled softly at this little joke, the same as he did the last several dozen times he had thought of it since taking up residence here, fumbling for his key when suddenly-

Excuse me, sir, are you Mr. Anonymous? Address 69420 Yakoff Street, Apartment 404?

Anon paused, turning his head to see that a rather plain-looking white colt with a black mane and grey eyes was looking up at him, a package on his back, and a little blue delivery boy ht perched on his head with a vest to match. “Uh, yeah, that’s me. What’s up?”

The colt beamed at him and bumped the package off of his back towards anon, who fumbled a tad before quickly catching it. “Special delivery, no return address for Mr. Anonymous, have a nice day, thank you for choosing Speedy’s Delivery,” He said chipperly, flicking his head forward to make his hat fall before catching it open side up with his teeth, looking at Anon expectantly.

Anon sighed softly and dug a bit out of his pocket for the kid, tossing it in at which point he flipped the cap back onto his head without spilling the coin out and trotting away back down the hallway.

He pulled his key out again, unlocking his door and walking into the first of the four rooms in his apartment. There was the sitting room, the bedroom, the bathroom, and the kitchen, all fairly small, even by pony standards. Not being three feet tall, anon found the accommodations less than adequately roomy. The human-sized furniture he had bought when he first moved in had set him back quite a ways since it came from a specialty dealer for Minotaurs, but it made the arrangement at least tolerable. He walked through the sitting room and into his kitchen. He grabbed himself a glass of milk, taking a long draft that took half of the cup before he set it down and plopped down at his table in a chair, opening the package.

Inside were a number of items. The first he saw was what looked to be a rather professional-looking black velvet carrying case with polished, ebony handles and a stainless steel clasp.

The second thing he noticed was an all-black outfit. A turtleneck, a pair of black suede shoes, some gloves, slacks, even a bowler hat... Atop the hat was a note, folded in quarters and notated on the outside. “To whom it may concern.” Anon unfolded it and quickly began to read.

“To Whom It May Concern,

If my associate has calculated correctly, this package should have arrived at your doorstep at the same time you arrived home to ensure a smooth transition with no chance of the package being reappropriated by some of your more scurrilous neighbors. This same associate has also assured me that according to all available data, today will likely be the day you are most susceptible to accepting the offer we are about to provide you with in this letter.

You see, it has come to my attention that you are in possession of a unique set of abilities that would render you an asset to the goals of my organization. As to what I am able to offer you in return, well...glory, notoriety, companionship, and obscene amounts of monetary rewards are among the less notable things we can offer should you thrive within the structure of our company.

Should you wish to accept this offer, Meet us at the location written in the scarp of paper hidden under the sole insert of the right shoe at midnight tonight. If you prefer to refuse simply toss the contents of this package out of your window into the dumpster below and you will not hear from us again. We look forward to your answer.

With Warm Regards,

Maestra

Anon swallowed dryly as he read the note, setting it down and yelping as a rune lit up as soon as it got a few feet away from him, the paper combusting to ash in a flash of light. This entire package and its instructions had “bad decision” written all over them.

But hey, when had he ever been known to make a good decision.

It was looking like it wouldn’t be tonight, that’s for sure.

Author's Note

Why yes, I have been watching Payday lore videos, how could you tell XD.

I hope you all enjoy this one, I'm really excited about the concept ^^.

Chapter Two - The Offer

Anon drew a deep breath and rolled his shoulders as he stood outside of The old dilapidated warehouse whose address had been on a scrap of paper in his new hat. He was wearing the suit that had been provided to him, and he had to admit, the entire look made him feel pretty snazzy. The suit seemed to be bespoke, which Anon found heavily disturbing, but shrugged off for the time being. He had a meeting to attend.

He walked up to the front door and knocked firmly, and after a few moments, the sound of scrambling hooves could be heard approaching before a slit in the door opened to reveal a set of green eyes peering out at him, squinting for a moment before the owner of them spoke out in a transatlantic accent. “Punctual, I like it! Uh, just a sec here, fella…”

The slit closed again and a quick click prefaced the door swinging open towards him, he was greeted by a pair of yellow stallions with red and white manes wearing dress attire of their own. Jackets akin to a Ringmaster’s blazer, white dress shirts with black pants and suspenders, with bow ties and black boater-styled hats. One of them, sporting a dapper mustache, spoke out. “Let’s get the new guy to the office, Flim. The others are gonna want to get a look at him.” before turning in unison with the other, who was clean-shaven and spoke afterward in the same voice. “Spot on, Flam. The boss lady has been expecting this big fella. Don’t want to keep her waiting.”

Anon shrugged and nodded, following behind the two of them through the dimly lit space. The inside of the building seemed to have been retrofitted with walls to be more akin to an office building than the normal open space of a storage warehouse, and the two of them led Anon down a long hallway. The Arcane lanterns strung from the ceiling on long cables occasionally flickering as he passed beneath them.

The walk felt like it went on for a bit longer than seemed normal, and just before Anon was tempted enough to actually say something again, they finally arrived at a set of double doors. The two of them knocked on the door in what seemed to be a rhythmic pattern before pausing for a moment and each pulling one of the doors open.

As the doors swung open, light spilled in and after Anon’s eyes had adjusted to the increase, he looked around and was treated to the sight of what seemed to be a small hangout of sorts. There were currently three ponies seated within.

The first one he took notice of was a greyish-colored earth pony mare with a dark mane and striking eyes tinted an almost whimsical shade of light purple that contrasted the rest of her look. She wore a suit as well, much like the one being sported by the stallions escorting him, though her tie was purple in color. She was currently seated at a large table in the center of the room, with two other ponies, three of the seats still empty. A fedora sat on the table next to her, upturned and the mare seemed to be looking over a set of building blueprints, taking some notes.

Seated to her left was a blue unicorn mare with light blue hair and eyes not too dissimilar in color from those of the first. She was clad in a tuxedo styled suit, a top hat adorning her head and a black cloak pinned in place at her neck by a simple onyx broach laid across her back. She was admiring herself in a mirror, a rag floating next to her, occasionally dipping into a small tin of what appeared to be horn polish, rubbing the natural protrusion with care as she brought it to a shine.

On her other side was the most unusual of the group in Anon’s opinion, a pegasus filly. Her coat was a peachy pink with white freckles on her cheeks. Her wide expressive eyes were a soft auburn color, and her mane a blue slightly darker than the mane of the blue mare across from her. In her mane and tail, she wore a couple of black bows and she was clothed in a white pull-on shirt with a rather cure little vest and bow tie, along with a pair of pants. She actually seemed to be unoccupied and was the first to greet him, flying out of her chair and over towards the three who had just arrived to inspect their guest with a beaming smile.

“Hey girls, Flim and Flam brought the new guy!” she said seeming somewhat excited as she flitted around him, bobbing up and down in the air as she did a few laps around him to get a good loo. “Golly mister, you sure are really tall. You must hit your head on doorframes a lot, huh?”

Before Anon can respond, the little filly is interrupted by the grey mare looking up from her blueprints and speaking in a smooth, refined Canterlot canter. “Now now, Cozy Gow. Le the poor thing settle in. He only just got here, after all, it’s bad form to just start chatting up an unfamiliar stallion that way. I think introductions are in order.”

The little filly, Cozy Glow, he thought he heard her called, smiled a little less widely as she looked over at the older mare and gave a small nod. “You’re right, I’m sorry, here…” She turned to face him again and hovered in front of him at about eye level, offering her hoof. “My name is Cozy Glow, You must be that Anon stallion Octavia wanted to bring in, right?”

Anon clears his throat and nods, shaking her hoof firmly as he speaks up “Well uh, not really a stallion, but yes, I am Anon, nice to meet you Cozy.” he said kindly to the little filly, giving her a slightly unsure smile. “Sorry if I am a bit off, I’m uh, not exactly sure what I’m doing here…”

The blue mare at the table sneers softly down her snout at him as she puts down her polishing rag and speaks in a haughty tone. Trixie agrees with your assessment, she is not sure why Octavia has decided to sully the sanctity of our office with your presence.” she says as she eyes him with a condescending air. “What could a giant monkey have to offer the team that we do not already have.”

The grey one, Octavia, gave a small sigh and rubbed at her forehead with a hoof. “Trixie, do you always have to be a raging bitch to the new recruits?” She asked, giving her a tired, disappointed glare. “Maybe we wouldn’t have to call him in for this if someone at the table had finished magic school.”
Trixie gasped softly at this and snorted as she flipped her bangs to one side with her hoof, grumbling softly and looking down at the table as Octavia, who seemed to be the leader, began to speak. “My apologies Anon, Trixie has a...complex.” She says, not seeming to care to elaborate further as she continued. “My name is Octavia, though you may know me already as Meastra from my letter earlier.”

“Actually, I am pretty sure I have seen you at the Gala a few times,” he said, scratching the back of his neck with a gloved hand. He was invited to the event yearly, due to being the only member of his species, and thus it’s representative in Equestria. Or at least that was the reasoning Celestia gave him when he asked. Personally, he thought she just felt kind of bad for him.

She smiled a bit wider, seeming pleased that he remembered her. “Ah, well that makes this a bit easier then. Not by much but, a little.” She said with a small chuckle as she got up out of her seat and walked towards him, gesturing over her shoulder. “You already Know Trixie’s name of course, and I presume Flim and Flam have already introduced themselves?”

As she said this the two of them popped up next to Anon at either side, smiling jovially. Flim Spoke first “Actually we were waiting to let you do the honors, boss lady.” he said shaking one of Anon’s hands.

Flam shook his other hand, Spaking right after Flim finished as if flowing from one to the other. “Don’t want to get too chatty before we get behind closed doors after all! Anyway, the name’s are Flam-”

“And Flim, and we are-”

“The Flim Flam brothers!” They said, ceasing shaking his hands, and striking a pose in front of Anon, tipping their hats with a smirk and a small bow apiece before Octavia chuckled softly and shooed them off for the moment to continue conversing with him.

“Alright, now that everypony is acquainted, we can discuss why you are here.” She said, gesturing with a nod of her head for him to follow her back to the table, everyone else seating themselves again, leaving one seat directly across the table from Octavia for Anon to deposit himself in. A chair that was thankfully, notably, and considerably larger than the rest.

“Man, they must really want to make a good first impression if they are pulling out the stops with custom furniture for a first visit.” he thought to himself as he got somewhat comfortably seated, the table only coming up to his knees. He honestly wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to everything being built for creatures who averaged about three feet tall.

Sadly his musings on accessibility would have to wait for another time as his attention was caught by Octavia beginning to speak again. “So tell me, Anon. What do you want more than anything out of life.”

He paused at this, thinking about it for a few long moments before answering. “Well, really, I just want to fit in, ya know? Not like, everyone accepts me and all of that gay shit. More just having a little square I can call my own and a niche to fill. As long as I have some people that appreciate having me around and something useful to be doing, I guess I’m pretty content.”

Octavia nodded at this, Trixie gave a dismissive little “hmphh” as Flim, Flam, and Cozy all watched him...a little more intently than he was comfortable with as Octavia spoke again. “I suppose that is to be expected. I have to admit, it is sort of admirable how reasonable and simple your desires are. You see Anon, the five of us have all banded together for the purpose of accomplishing our individual goals. Glory, Fame, Monetary Gain, Thrills... what they are isn’t strictly important. What is important, is that we have come together because our goals...your goals, can all be met through the same means...”

Anon swallowed dryly, eyes fixed on the mare in front of him as he spoke again, asking her a simple question that he was already sure he knew the answer to. “And...what exactly are those means?”

Octavie smiled a little wider, a spark running through her gaze that sent a shiver down his spine as she spoke these next words with a staggering charismatic confidence. “Whatever means it takes. But keeping it simple…crime, Anon. And we want you to join us. You see, we have a particularly tricky job that would benefit greatly from your...anomalous properties.” she said as she glanced down at the blueprints on the table then back to him. “And if you would be willing to indulge us, I assure you that the risk here is well worth the reward. If this job goes well, You will never have to spend another day with that vile mare again. What was her name, Shepherds Pie?”

She sat back, placing her hooves together in front of her on the table. “Of course, we will not force you. If you wish to decline, you will be removed from the premises and put back in your little shithole apartment, and you will not remember a word of what happened here.”

Anon thinks for a long hard moment about this. It’s all really outlandish, and kind of sudden, and he, of course, feels apprehensive at the idea. Become some kind of career criminal? He had never thought about it, but the idea did seem sort of...enticing. It was better than what he had going on for him right now. If anything, getting thrown into one of the cushy cells in the Canterlot dungeons would probably net him a better life than what he had right now. Hell, at this point he might take a cell in Tartarus over having to go back to work and deal with that loudmouthed, misandrist…

“I’m in.” he heard himself say before he realized he was saying it. He surprised himself for a moment, but recovered quickly, owning the statement with a confident smile as he offered the mare his hoof across the table. “Let’s get ourselves a payday, together. So, what’s the uh...job?”

She seemed a little surprised by how quickly he had come to his choice, but smiled back at him and reached over to take his hand, shaking it with a confident chuckle. “Don’t worry about that quite yet. I wouldn’t just throw you into the deep end. I’ll have you do a few smaller ones first to get your hoo-er...feet wet.”

Anon breathed a small sigh of relief as tension he did not know was there fell from his shoulders “ah, good, you had me nervous for a second there. So uh, when is the first job?”

“Now.”

Author's Note

Alright, hopefully, next chapter should involve some actual heisting in this heist fic, lol.